Daria (1997–2001): Season 2, Episode 4 - I Don't - full transcript
Daria is ordered to be a bridesmaid for her cousin's wedding, but she finds a kindred spirit in her Aunt Amy.
- ♪ LA-LA LA LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA LA LA-LA ♪
- I DON'T THINK
YOU'VE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH.
WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE HOSTAGES
ONCE YOU GET TO THE AIRPORT?
- THEY'RE COMING WITH ME.
WE'RE TALKING PARTY PLANE
ALL THE WAY TO LIBYA.
- RITA, THAT IS SO WONDERFUL.
I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU,
YOU AND ERIN BOTH.
- UH, YOU'D BETTER TAKE
A HIKE.
- WHAT?
- MY MOM'S TALKING
TO MY AUNT RITA.
THIS ISN'T GONNA BE PRETTY.
- GOTCHA'.
LATER, HUH?
- THAT REMAINS TO BE SEEN.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT,
LITTLE ERIN GETTING MARRIED.
SHE'S NOT RUSHING INTO THIS,
I HOPE.
OH, NO, NO, OF COURSE NOT.
21 IS...
I'M NOT IMPLYING ANYTHING.
FOR GOODNESS SAKE, RITA.
I'M JUST...
THIS IS SO EXCITING.
WHERE?
UH-HUH.
UH-HUH.
THAT SOUNDS LOVELY.
I PRESUME MOM'S
FOOTING THE BILL.
NO, NO, I...
- YOUR COUSIN ERIN
IS GETTING MARRIED.
- SO I GATHERED.
- YOU KNOW
THERE'LL BE HELL TO PAY.
- WELL, I GUESS YOU ALL HEARD
THE WONDERFUL NEWS.
LITTLE ERIN IS GETTING MARRIED
AT THE WINDSOR HILLS RESORT
IN LEEVILLE.
- WHOA.
THAT'LL SET RITA BACK
A PRETTY PENNY.
- NOT RITA.
MOTHER.
NOTHING BUT THE BEST
FOR HER FAVORITE DAUGHTER'S
DARLING OFFSPRING.
- WINDSOR HILLS.
THEY'VE GOT
THAT LEGENDARY 13TH HOLE.
- FORGET IT, JAKE.
NO GOLF.
WEDDING.
- I'M ALMOST SORRY
I'M GONNA MISS THIS.
- ON THE CONTRARY, SWEETIE,
YOU AND QUINN
ARE GOING TO BE BRIDESMAIDS.
I MADE SURE OF THAT.
- BRIDESMAIDS?
- CAN I DYE MY HAIR
IF THE DRESS DOESN'T MATCH?
- WHAT A HIDEOUS TWIST
OF FATE.
ME, A BRIDESMAID.
- AW, IT WON'T BE THAT BAD.
I MEAN, SURE, YOU'LL HAVE
TO WEAR
SOME FRILLY PEACH-COLORED DRESS
THAT MAKES YOU LOOK
LIKE A CIRCUS FREAK,
AND YOU'LL BE PINCHED
BY INCONTINENT OLD UNCLES
WHO THINK
YOU'RE STILL SIX YEARS OLD.
- HERE WE ARE.
- I'M SORRY.
WE ONLY DO WEDDINGS.
NO FUNERALS.
- BELIEVE ME,
I'D PREFER A FUNERAL.
- DEARIE, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO GET MARRIED
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.
OR DO YOU?
- [sighs]
I'M A BRIDESMAID IN
THE CHAMBERS-DANIELSON WEDDING.
[keys clacking]
MM-HMM, MMM.
AH, HERE IT IS.
PITY.
THEY'RE SUCH LOVELY DRESSES.
NATURE DIDN'T SEE FIT TO GIVE
YOU MUCH IN THE WAY OF HIPS,
DID SHE, DEARIE?
- I THINK I'M GONNA BE ILL.
IS THAT A PROBLEM FOR YOU?
- TURN AROUND, PLEASE.
- OH, SCARLET, YOU GROW LOVELIER
BY THE DAY.
- I WILL KILL YOU
AND BURY YOUR BODY
IN THIS DRESS.
- DARIA?
Both: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?
AN ARAB SHEIK'S IN TOWN
TO BUY A FEW MORE WIVES.
- THEY'RE PUTTING ON
A BRIDAL EXPO IN THE GYM.
WE'RE MODELING.
- A BRIDAL EXPO?
THAT'S A GOOD MESSAGE
TO SEND HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS.
- IT'S A FUNDRAISER
FOR EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES.
- I WONDER WHAT KIND
OF EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES
WOULD LEAD TO A WEDDING.
- WHAT ABOUT YOU?
ARE YOU IN A PLAY
OR SOMETHING?
- YES, I'M PLAYING MRS. LINCOLN
AFTER SHE WENT CRAZY.
- I DIDN'T KNOW
SHE WENT CRAZY.
- OH, YEAH, THAT'S WHY
LINCOLN SHOT HIMSELF.
- WOW.
- COME ON, BRITTANY,
LET'S FINISH OUR FITTING
AND I'LL TELL YOU
ALL ABOUT NICE MR. LINCOLN
AND HOW HE DIED.
- YOU MEAN THE BULLET
DIDN'T KILL HIM?
- OUCH.
- HOLD STILL.
I'M HAVING A HARD ENOUGH TIME
WITH YOUR BODY AS IT IS.
- WELL, I THINK MY HUMILIATION
IS COMPLETE NOW.
- IT DOES MATCH MY HAIR.
- I SPOKE TOO SOON.
- I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WOULDN'T
LET ME BRING MY GOLF CLUBS.
- JAKE, WE'RE HERE
TO SEE MY FAMILY,
NOT TO HAVE FUN.
- WHO'S ESCORTING YOUR SISTER
TO THIS ANYWAY?
- WELL, SHE DUMPED
THE SCULPTOR,
THE SKYDIVING INSTRUCTOR
HAD THAT HORRIBLE ACCIDENT,
AND I BELIEVE THAT THAT BRUNO
IS IN SOME FEDERAL FACILITY.
SO I DON'T KNOW.
- THAT RITA SURE KNOWS
HOW TO PICK 'EM.
- WOW.
- RED RUM. RED RUM.
- THIS'LL COST YOUR MOTHER
A FORTUNE.
- WELL, WHAT ELSE
SHOULD SHE SPEND HER MONEY ON,
SOMETHING BORING
LIKE COLLEGE FUNDS
FOR HER OTHER GRANDDAUGHTERS?
- [laughs]
HEY!
- I JUST KEEP TELLING MYSELF
THAT ERIN HASN'T HAD
THE ADVANTAGES OUR GIRLS HAVE.
- ADVANTAGES?
- YOU GOT ME.
- YOU KNOW, IF THE GIRLS SEE US,
WE'RE GONNA DIE.
THEY SAID WE'D MAKE THEM
SELF-CONSCIOUS.
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
THEY WANT US TO COME, BRO.
THAT'S WHY THEY TOLD US NOT TO.
- HUH?
- THEY KNEW IF THEY INVITED US
TO A BRIDAL EXPO,
THERE'S NO WAY WE'D GO NEAR
THE PLACE.
- THEN, UH, WHY ARE WE HERE?
- FORBIDDEN FRUITS, MAN.
FORBIDDEN FRUITS.
- WHEN YOU HEAR YOURSELF TALK,
DOES IT MAKE SENSE TO YOU?
- SOMETIMES.
- HEY, FELLAS,
JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
WE WELCOME SAME-SEX PARTNERS.
WHAT YOU DO WITH THE RING
IS YOUR BUSINESS.
- THIS IS AN EXPENSIVE VEHICLE.
BE CAREFUL WITH IT.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
- HELEN.
- RITA.
- HOW ARE YOU, JAKE?
- WELL, I'M NOT BAD...
- OH, THE GIRLS LOOK LOVELY.
BUT DARIA, WHY DIDN'T YOU GET
THE SAME DRESS
AS THE OTHER BRIDESMAIDS?
- I DID.
- I'M SORRY ABOUT
THE REHEARSAL DINNER, RITA.
I HAD MEETINGS
ALL YESTERDAY AFTERNOON,
AND BY THE TIME WE GOT
ON THE ROAD...
- EVERYONE, THIS IS PAUL,
MY BEAU.
- HELLO.
- PAUL MEYERSON?
- JAKE?
JAKE AND I
WERE IN BOY SCOUTS TOGETHER.
YOU BRING YOUR CLUBS?
- OH. MMM.
- DAD, WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID
ABOUT KNOWING HOW TO PICK 'EM?
- OH, DARIA.
[laughs]
- WOW, WHO'S THAT?
- AUNT AMY?
- I DON'T MIND A FEW DENTS,
BUT CHANGE THE RADIO STATION,
AND YOU'RE A DEAD MAN.
- AMY, HOW DELIGHTFUL.
I THOUGHT WEREN'T COMING.
- I WASN'T.
BUT I FIGURED IF YOU TWO
COULD PUT ASIDE
THE YEARS OF BITTERNESS
AND RESENTMENT,
THEN SO COULD I
FOR A DAY.
- OH, AMY, WHY DO YOU SAY
SUCH RIDICULOUS THINGS?
- OUT LOUD?
SO, JAKE, YOU'RE STILL
WITH HELEN, HUH?
- WELL, UH...
- SHOW'S REMARKABLE FORTITUDE.
AND, ROGER,
HOW'S THE SKYDIVING GOING?
- AMY, ROGER PASSED AWAY.
THIS IS PAUL.
- OH, SORRY.
PAUL, HOW DO YOU DO?
- WHO'S ROGER?
- HE FELL ONTO A COW.
- ICK.
- AND HE WAS
ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES.
- GIRLS.
- HEY, WHAT'S THE POINT
OF A SENSELESS TRAGEDY
IF YOU CAN'T FIND
A LITTLE HUMOR IN IT?
I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK,
DARIA.
- NOW, AMY, I'M NOT SURE
WHERE WE'RE GONNA SEAT YOU.
- I NEED A DRINK.
- HA-HA.
- WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?
- HA.
[sighs]
- WOW, AUNT AMY'S REALLY WEIRD.
- YEAH.
- HAVE YOU SEEN ERIN'S DRESS?
- OH.
OH, IT'S GORGEOUS.
I LOVE THE LITTLE FLOWER.
- OH, IT CAN'T RAIN
ON BRIAN AND ERIN'S WEDDING.
IT JUST CAN'T.
- THAT WOULD BE SO AWFUL.
I COULDN'T STAND IT.
- ON THE CONTRARY,
RAIN IS AN ANCIENT SYMBOL
OF FERTILITY.
EVERY COUPLE
SHOULD BE SO LUCKY.
- OH, DON'T YOU SEE?
A LITTLE RAIN WON'T SPOIL
THE HAPPIEST DAY
OF BRIAN AND ERIN'S LIFE.
IT MAY RAIN OUT THERE,
BUT IN HERE,
THE SUN WILL BE SHINING.
- WE ARE NOW ENTERING HELL.
PLEASE KEEP YOUR HANDS
AND ELBOWS INSIDE THE CAR.
- YOU MUST BE ERIN'S COUSINS.
- I AM,
BUT DARIA IS, UM, HER COUSIN.
- WHAT?
- NEVER MIND.
- ACTUALLY, I'M IN
THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM.
THE MORGENDORFFERS
WERE KIND ENOUGH TO TAKE ME IN
AFTER MY REAL FAMILY
WAS EXTERMINATED BY THE MOB.
- OH.
WELL, HOW COME YOU DIDN'T GET
THE SAME DRESS
AS THE REST OF US?
- I DID.
- ANYWAY, IT'S TOO BAD YOU GUYS
MISSED THE REHEARSAL DINNER.
IT WAS SO FUN.
LET ME INTRODUCE YOU
TO YOUR ESCORTS.
DARIA, QUINN, THIS IS GARRETT.
- HI.
- GARRETT'LL BE WITH QUINN.
- OF COURSE.
- QUINN, YOU'RE JUST ABOUT
THE LOVELIEST LITTLE THING
I EVER SAW.
- THANKS.
DO YOU THINK
YOU COULD GET ME A SODA
WITH JUST AN EENSIE-WEENSIE
SLICE OF LEMON, PLEASE?
- DARIA, THIS IS YOUR ESCORT,
LURMAN.
- OF COURSE.
- HOW DO YOU DO, DURIAH?
- IT'S DARIA, ACTUALLY.
- SORRY.
SO, UM, LURMAN,
IS THAT YOUR FIRST NAME
OR YOUR LAST NAME?
- DOES IT MATTER?
- WELL, THEY SEEM
TO BE HITTING IT OFF.
- OH, YEAH.
- SHE'S ROUGH.
SHE'S TOUGH.
SHE'S LOVELY.
OUR SANDY IS IN A SILK
AND RAWHIDE OUTFIT
BY HORACE OF BEVERLY HILLS,
PROVING THAT
THE HAPPIEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE
DOESN'T HAVE TO BE DULL.
STICK 'EM UP, HOMBRES.
[applause]
- [snoring]
- VA-VA-VA-VOOM.
HERE'S LOVELY BRITTANY
IN A SLEEK AND SATINY NUMBER
FROM LE VERVE THAT SAYS,
"THIS MAY BE MY WEDDING DAY,
BUT DARN IT,
I WANT TO DANCE."
- WAKE UP.
IT'S BRITTANY.
- OH, WHAT? HUH?
OH, MAN.
- HEY, HEY, HEY.
- YOU LOSER.
- COME ON.
- UM, I THINK YOU'RE BLOWING
OUR COVER.
- KEVIN,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- SURPRISE, BABE.
- [squeals]
[birds chirping]
- AND AS WE SHARE THE JOY
OF THIS LOVELY YOUNG COUPLE,
BRIAN AND ERIN,
WE ARE COMPELLED TO ASK,
WHAT IS LOVE?
YES, LOVE,
LIKE A TINY RIVULET
WHICH BEGIN
IN THE HIGH MOUNTAINS,
NORMALLY AFTER TWISTING AND
TURNING FOR THOUSANDS OF MILES,
OVERCOMING
UNCOUNTABLE OBSTACLES,
MUST EVENTUALLY MEET
AND MERGE
WITH THAT GREAT OCEAN OF LOVE
WHICH IS ITS BIRTHRIGHT
AND ITS DESTINY.
- [chortles]
IT WAS HER.
- BABE, I SAID I WAS SORRY.
- WHAT IF THERE
HAD BEEN SOMEONE THERE
FROM A MAJOR TALENT AGENCY?
WHAT THEN?
- WELL, UH, I GUESS
THEY'D HAVE SEEN
THAT YOU'RE TALENTED.
- OH, THAT'S WHAT YOU GUESS,
IS IT?
MORE LIKELY THEY'D GUESS
I WAS DATING
THE KING OF THE JERKS,
AND THEY'D BE RIGHT.
WOW.
LOOK AT ALL THESE FLOWERS.
ARE THESE FOR SALE
OR JUST DISPLAY?
- SO THEY SAID TO ME,
"WHY DON'T WE
WE JUST MAKE YOU VP
AND HAVE YOU TAKE OVER
THE WHOLE DAMN OPERATION?"
AND HERE I WAS, 29 YEARS OLD.
- YEAH, YOU MENTIONED.
SO HOW DID YOU MEET RITA?
- WELL, YOU KNOW,
WE BOTH LOVE THE SEA.
I HAVE A SAIL BOAT.
- AND SHE'S A LITTLE DINGY.
[laughs]
I'M KIDDING, OF COURSE.
- WELL, LET'S FACE IT,
RITA'S A LITTLE FLIGHTY,
BUT SHE'S A TIGER
IN THE BEDROOM.
- KEEP POURING.
- YEAH, WELL, I GUESS
IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY.
- [mutters unintelligibly]
- MM-HMM.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
- JUST MORE POINTLESS CHITCHAT.
FORGET IT.
[slurps]
[groans]
WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER SODA?
- NO, UM...
- OR SHALL WE JUST SPLIT
A BOTTLE OF DRAIN CLEANER?
PLEASE BE ASSURED THAT MY REMARK
WAS INTENDED IN JEST
AND NOT AS AN INCITEMENT
TO ANY TYPE
OF ACTUAL
SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR.
- YOU'RE NOT FROM AROUND HERE,
ARE YOU?
- DARIA, THERE YOU ARE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T GET
TO SEE YOU BEFORE THE WEDDING.
- IT WAS A LOVELY CEREMONY.
- OH, BUT YOU HAVEN'T MET BRIAN.
ISN'T HE MARVELOUS?
HE WORKS FOR THE GOVERNMENT.
INTELLIGENCE.
- ERIN.
- I KNOW, I KNOW, I'M NOT
SUPPOSED TO SAY ANYTHING.
BUT ISN'T IT EXCITING?
- IF OUR NATIONAL SECURITY
IS COMPROMISED,
YOU CAN BET THERE'S A WOMAN
AT THE BOTTOM OF IT.
- OH, YOU.
- OH, GOD.
- HEY, DARIA, HOW COME YOU'RE
NOT WEARING THE SAME DRESS
AS EVERYBODY ELSE?
- I AM.
I THINK I'LL GO TO THE...
- LITTLE GIRLS' ROOM?
- YEAH, THE LITTLE GIRLS' ROOM.
I'M GONNA POWDER MY NOSE
AND THEN CHECK THE SEAMS
ON MY NYLONS.
- I'M SORRY.
WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU DO?
I THOUGHT I HEARD INTELLIGENCE,
BUT THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.
- A WILD, ROILING, SURGING OCEAN
OF LOVE
OVER WHICH WE
AS MERE INDIVIDUALS
HAVE NO CONTROL.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING?
- UM, I'M NOT SURE.
- HI, QUINN.
HI, FATHER.
- ACTUALLY, I'M A MINISTER,
NOT A PRIEST.
- THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT
YOU'RE THE VOICE OF MORALITY
IN THE COMMUNITY.
- I HATE MYSELF
IN A FORMAL DRESS
AND EVERYONE ELSE TOO.
YOU DON'T LOOK TOO THRILLED
ABOUT THINGS EITHER.
- OH, NO, I'M OVERJOYED TO BE
AT THIS BIG FAMILY EVENT.
DAY-TO-DAY LIFE
ISN'T HUMILIATING ENOUGH.
- LET'S SEE.
YOU'RE IN COLLEGE NOW
OR SOMETHING.
- STILL HIGH SCHOOL,
UNFORTUNATELY.
- I HAVE SOME VAGUE MEMORIES
OF HIGH SCHOOL,
BUT THESE DAYS,
YOU ALL CARRY WEAPONS, RIGHT?
- WELL, NOT TO FORMAL OCCASIONS
LIKE THIS.
- THAT'S WHERE YOU KIDS
MAKE YOUR MISTAKE.
- I MEAN, LOVE THY NEIGHBOR.
LOVE THY BROTHER.
LOVE THY PARENTS.
EVERY TIME YOU TURN A PAGE,
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.
- WOW.
- HMM, I THOUGHT
WHEN I HIT 30,
I'D STOP FEELING OUT OF PLACE
AT THESE FAMILY THINGS.
- YOU FEEL OUT OF PLACE?
- YOU DIDN'T NOTICE MY SISTERS
ARE SO BUSY COMPETING
WITH EACH OTHER THAT I DON'T
EVEN REGISTER ON THEIR RADAR?
- YEAH, BUT I JUST FIGURED
YOU WERE ABOVE ALL THAT.
I MEAN, YOU'RE KIND OF...
- COOL?
- UM...
- I KNOW YOU CAN'T SAY THAT
TO ME.
LAW OF THE TEENAGERS.
- THANK YOU FOR RESPECTING IT.
- WHEN I WAS A KID,
WITH HELEN AND RITA GOING AT IT
ALL THE TIME,
ALL THEY LEFT FOR ME TO DO
WAS SUPPLY THE COLOR COMMENTARY.
THEN ONE DAY, I FOUND MYSELF
ALL GROWN UP
WITH MY OWN POINT OF VIEW
AND FEELING
NO PARTICULAR OBLIGATION
TO LISTEN TO ANYONE ELSE'S BS,
EVER.
- SO IT ACTUALLY WORKED OUT
PRETTY WELL.
- UNLESS I HAVE TO SEE
MY SISTERS AT A WEDDING, YEAH.
SARCASM:
IT'S A GREAT WAY TO DEAL.
BUT YOU WOULDN'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, WOULD YOU?
- NAH.
- HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- THIS WHOLE THING
IS STARTING TO GET TO ME.
I MEAN, DARIA HAD A POINT.
WHY SHOULD HIGH SCHOOL KIDS
BE THINKING ABOUT MARRIAGE?
IF I SEE ONE MORE
SWEET, DOPEY GIRL
STUCK WITH
A LAME-BRAINED IDIOT...
Both: HI.
- NOT EVEN THE PEP SQUAD?
- NOT EVEN
THE PEP SQUAD.
I'LL BE HONEST
WITH YOU, DAPHNE.
I JUST CAN'T FIND THE TIME.
- HOW COME?
- WELL, FIRST OF ALL,
THERE'S MY WORK.
- WHAT DO YOU DO?
- I'M AN EXOTIC DANCER.
YOU KNOW, AT A CLUB.
I TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF
AND DANCE FOR STRANGE MEN.
- REALLY?
WOW.
- SHE'S REALLY VERY GOOD.
- YOU'VE SEEN HER?
- I'D BETTER GO CHECK ON QUINN.
I... I CAN'T IMAGINE
WHAT'S KEEPING HER.
- OH, IT WAS A LOVELY CEREMONY,
THOUGH.
WASN'T IT?
- IT REALLY WAS, RITA.
- I'M JUST SO SORRY
MOM COULDN'T BE HERE.
- DON'T WORRY.
SHE'LL GET TO LIVE IT ALL
VICARIOUSLY
WHEN THE BILLS ARRIVE.
JAKE, HOW ABOUT GETTING ME
ANOTHER GLASS OF WINE?
- GEE, HONEY,
MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T...
- JAKE, I'D REALLY LIKE
ANOTHER GLASS OF WINE NOW.
- RIGHT.
- HELEN, YOU'RE NOT BITTER
ABOUT THIS?
- RITA, PLEASE.
WHY WOULD I BE BITTER?
YOU AND ERIN DESERVE THE BEST.
YOU ALWAYS HAVE.
- OH, NO,
I SHOULD BE PUNISHED FOREVER
BECAUSE I MADE
A FEW BAD DECISIONS?
- HI.
WHAT ARE YOU TWO ARGUING
ABOUT NOW?
- ARGUING?
WE'RE NOT ARGUING.
- STILL MAD BECAUSE
DAD GAVE RITA THAT MG
AND ALL YOU GOT
WAS A PLYMOUTH VALIANT?
- MY GOODNESS, AMY,
THE THINGS YOU REMEMBER.
- IT WAS A DODGE DART.
- I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING
TO SAY, QUINN, IS,
I MAY BE A MAN
OF THE CLOTH,
BUT I'M ALSO A MAN.
- QUINN, THERE YOU ARE.
FATHER?
- ACTUALLY, I'M A MINISTER,
NOT A PRIEST.
- WE'VE ALL BEEN WONDERING
WHERE YOU WERE.
- REALLY?
- WELL, I KNOW I HAVE.
- I'VE JUST BEEN EXPLAINING
TO QUINN
HOW EMOTIONS
CAN BE VERY CONFUSING
FOR YOUNG PEOPLE
LIKE YOURSELVES.
- WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, FATHER,
I WONDER IF MAYBE
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE
WITH THE CONFUSING EMOTIONS.
- I'M NOT SURE
I TAKE YOUR MEANING.
- OH, I THINK YOU DO.
- OH, NO.
- SO IT TURNS OUT
YOU CAN GO THROUGH TRAINING
AND BE UP THERE WORKING
ON THE SPACE STATION
IN UNDER THREE MONTHS.
NOW I'M JUST WAITING
FOR MY TANG.
- WOW, IS THAT TRUE?
- [sighs] NO, IT'S NOT TRUE.
I JUST MADE IT UP.
ALSO I'M NOT AN EXOTIC DANCER,
I DON'T KNOW SEAL,
AND I WASN'T ABDUCTED
BY THE UNDERSEA FISH PEOPLE.
- I JUST DON'T THINK
WE NEED TO TALK TO HER.
- [whispering] MAYBE WE SHOULD
JUST TELL HER WE CAN'T TALK.
- WE DECIDED WE BETTER NOT
TALK TO YOU ANYMORE.
- WHAT?
- IT'S NOT
THAT WE DON'T LIKE YOU.
IT'S JUST, UH...
- YOU HAVE PROBLEMS.
- WELL, DUH.
- HONEY, MAYBE WE OUGHT
TO THINK ABOUT GETTING BACK.
- NO, MY LITTLE PARTY
IS JUST BEGINNING.
WAITER.
- HERE, I'LL GET YOU
SOME COFFEE
AND WEDDING CAKE.
- OH, RITA WOULD LOVE THAT,
SEEING ME BALLOON UP
RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER.
- HELEN, UH, YOU'RE BEING
KIND OF LOUD.
- OH, NO!
WE DON'T WANT A SCENE,
DO WE?
WE WANT TO SPOIL
THE LOVELY WEDDING
THAT LOVELY MOTHER SPENT
SO MUCH LOVELY MONEY ON, DO WE?
- IS EVERYTHING OKAY HERE?
- WELL, YOU WERE RIGHT
ABOUT ONE THING.
SHE SURE KNOWS
HOW TO PICK 'EM.
- HEY, LOOK...
- KEEP IT DOWN.
- WANT TO MAKE ME?
- WHAT'S GOING ON, HELEN?
- OH, YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL
WHAT'S GOING ON, MOTHER.
YOUR PATHETIC BOYFRIEND
IS MAKING A SCENE.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
PATHETIC?
- LOOK IN THE MIRROR, PAL.
- I JUST WANT
TO SAY ONE THING, RITA.
YOU MAY BE THE PRETTY ONE,
YOU MAY BE THE ONE MOM LOVES,
BUT I'VE WORKED
MY DAMN BUTT OFF.
- AUNT HELEN, PLEASE.
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
HEH, NO CATFIGHTS,
LADIES, HEH.
- SHUT THE HELL UP,
YOU PREHISTORIC IMBECILE.
- THINGS ARE GETTING UGLY.
- I SUGGEST WE MAKE A HASTY
BUT UNOBTRUSIVE EXIT.
- REALLY?
- LET'S GO FIND A PLACE
THAT SERVES CHEESE FRIES.
YOU EAT, I'LL WATCH.
- I'M, UH, TAKING OFF.
- OH, SURE, LEAVE ME
TO THE DOGS.
- YOU CAN COME IF YOU WANT.
- NO, I'D PREFER TO SIT HERE
AND WATCH THE CARNAGE UNFOLD.
IT'S BEEN FUN, THOUGH.
- YEAH.
- OH, ALL RIGHT,
I'LL EAT TOO.
FOLLOW ME.
DON'T LOOK TO THE RIGHT OR LEFT.
THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO
FOR THESE PEOPLE NOW.
- DID YOU EVER CALL ME UP
TO DO ONE THING?
[grunting and punching]
- OH, YEAH?
- THIS PLACE OUGHT TO DO.
- AUNT AMY?
- JUST AMY.
- AMY, IS LIFE ALWAYS TAWDRY,
STUPID, AND HUMILIATING,
OR IS IT JUST A PHASE?
- JUST A PHASE.
I'M EXPECTING TO GROW OUT OF IT
ANY TIME NOW.
[bowling pins clattering]
COAST IS CLEAR.
- ONE THREE-TON HUBBY'S
NOT ENOUGH
FOR THIS RED-HOT MAMMAL.
THE POLYGAMIST HIPPOPOTAMUS
WHEN SICK, SAD WORLD RETURNS.
- I'M NOT GOING BACK THERE.
I DON'T CARE WHO SENT YOU.
- DOES HE LOOK FAMILIAR
TO YOU?
- I THINK I SAW HIM
ON AMERICA'S LEAST WANTED.
- I SUPPOSED YOU WANT TO ASK ME
WHAT YOUR MOTHER WAS LIKE
AS A CHILD.
- OKAY.
WHAT WAS SHE?
- A TIGHTLY-WOUND
PAIN IN THE ASS.
- NEW TOPIC?
- NAME IT.
[sirens blaring]
- I DON'T... I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED.
ONE MINUTE I HAD HIM,
AND THEN...
- SHUSH, SHUSH, SHUSH.
- EVERYTHING'S
UNDER CONTROL HERE, OFFICERS.
WHY DON'T YOU TWO GO HAVE
A CUP OF COFFEE OR SOMETHING
ON ME?
- DON'T WORRY.
I'M NO STRANGER TO PAIN.
[both sobbing]
- I LOVE YOU, HELEN.
- I LOVE YOU TOO.
- SIR, WOULDN'T THIS BE MORE
ENJOYABLE IN THE DAYTIME,
PERHAPS WITH SOME PARTNERS?
- DON'T TALK, SON.
YOU'RE SHAKING THE LIGHT.
- ♪ LA-LA LA LA-LA ♪
[driving rock music]
♪ ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA-LA LA LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA LA LA-LA ♪
- I DON'T THINK
YOU'VE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH.
WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE HOSTAGES
ONCE YOU GET TO THE AIRPORT?
- THEY'RE COMING WITH ME.
WE'RE TALKING PARTY PLANE
ALL THE WAY TO LIBYA.
- RITA, THAT IS SO WONDERFUL.
I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU,
YOU AND ERIN BOTH.
- UH, YOU'D BETTER TAKE
A HIKE.
- WHAT?
- MY MOM'S TALKING
TO MY AUNT RITA.
THIS ISN'T GONNA BE PRETTY.
- GOTCHA'.
LATER, HUH?
- THAT REMAINS TO BE SEEN.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT,
LITTLE ERIN GETTING MARRIED.
SHE'S NOT RUSHING INTO THIS,
I HOPE.
OH, NO, NO, OF COURSE NOT.
21 IS...
I'M NOT IMPLYING ANYTHING.
FOR GOODNESS SAKE, RITA.
I'M JUST...
THIS IS SO EXCITING.
WHERE?
UH-HUH.
UH-HUH.
THAT SOUNDS LOVELY.
I PRESUME MOM'S
FOOTING THE BILL.
NO, NO, I...
- YOUR COUSIN ERIN
IS GETTING MARRIED.
- SO I GATHERED.
- YOU KNOW
THERE'LL BE HELL TO PAY.
- WELL, I GUESS YOU ALL HEARD
THE WONDERFUL NEWS.
LITTLE ERIN IS GETTING MARRIED
AT THE WINDSOR HILLS RESORT
IN LEEVILLE.
- WHOA.
THAT'LL SET RITA BACK
A PRETTY PENNY.
- NOT RITA.
MOTHER.
NOTHING BUT THE BEST
FOR HER FAVORITE DAUGHTER'S
DARLING OFFSPRING.
- WINDSOR HILLS.
THEY'VE GOT
THAT LEGENDARY 13TH HOLE.
- FORGET IT, JAKE.
NO GOLF.
WEDDING.
- I'M ALMOST SORRY
I'M GONNA MISS THIS.
- ON THE CONTRARY, SWEETIE,
YOU AND QUINN
ARE GOING TO BE BRIDESMAIDS.
I MADE SURE OF THAT.
- BRIDESMAIDS?
- CAN I DYE MY HAIR
IF THE DRESS DOESN'T MATCH?
- WHAT A HIDEOUS TWIST
OF FATE.
ME, A BRIDESMAID.
- AW, IT WON'T BE THAT BAD.
I MEAN, SURE, YOU'LL HAVE
TO WEAR
SOME FRILLY PEACH-COLORED DRESS
THAT MAKES YOU LOOK
LIKE A CIRCUS FREAK,
AND YOU'LL BE PINCHED
BY INCONTINENT OLD UNCLES
WHO THINK
YOU'RE STILL SIX YEARS OLD.
- HERE WE ARE.
- I'M SORRY.
WE ONLY DO WEDDINGS.
NO FUNERALS.
- BELIEVE ME,
I'D PREFER A FUNERAL.
- DEARIE, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO GET MARRIED
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.
OR DO YOU?
- [sighs]
I'M A BRIDESMAID IN
THE CHAMBERS-DANIELSON WEDDING.
[keys clacking]
MM-HMM, MMM.
AH, HERE IT IS.
PITY.
THEY'RE SUCH LOVELY DRESSES.
NATURE DIDN'T SEE FIT TO GIVE
YOU MUCH IN THE WAY OF HIPS,
DID SHE, DEARIE?
- I THINK I'M GONNA BE ILL.
IS THAT A PROBLEM FOR YOU?
- TURN AROUND, PLEASE.
- OH, SCARLET, YOU GROW LOVELIER
BY THE DAY.
- I WILL KILL YOU
AND BURY YOUR BODY
IN THIS DRESS.
- DARIA?
Both: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?
AN ARAB SHEIK'S IN TOWN
TO BUY A FEW MORE WIVES.
- THEY'RE PUTTING ON
A BRIDAL EXPO IN THE GYM.
WE'RE MODELING.
- A BRIDAL EXPO?
THAT'S A GOOD MESSAGE
TO SEND HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS.
- IT'S A FUNDRAISER
FOR EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES.
- I WONDER WHAT KIND
OF EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES
WOULD LEAD TO A WEDDING.
- WHAT ABOUT YOU?
ARE YOU IN A PLAY
OR SOMETHING?
- YES, I'M PLAYING MRS. LINCOLN
AFTER SHE WENT CRAZY.
- I DIDN'T KNOW
SHE WENT CRAZY.
- OH, YEAH, THAT'S WHY
LINCOLN SHOT HIMSELF.
- WOW.
- COME ON, BRITTANY,
LET'S FINISH OUR FITTING
AND I'LL TELL YOU
ALL ABOUT NICE MR. LINCOLN
AND HOW HE DIED.
- YOU MEAN THE BULLET
DIDN'T KILL HIM?
- OUCH.
- HOLD STILL.
I'M HAVING A HARD ENOUGH TIME
WITH YOUR BODY AS IT IS.
- WELL, I THINK MY HUMILIATION
IS COMPLETE NOW.
- IT DOES MATCH MY HAIR.
- I SPOKE TOO SOON.
- I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WOULDN'T
LET ME BRING MY GOLF CLUBS.
- JAKE, WE'RE HERE
TO SEE MY FAMILY,
NOT TO HAVE FUN.
- WHO'S ESCORTING YOUR SISTER
TO THIS ANYWAY?
- WELL, SHE DUMPED
THE SCULPTOR,
THE SKYDIVING INSTRUCTOR
HAD THAT HORRIBLE ACCIDENT,
AND I BELIEVE THAT THAT BRUNO
IS IN SOME FEDERAL FACILITY.
SO I DON'T KNOW.
- THAT RITA SURE KNOWS
HOW TO PICK 'EM.
- WOW.
- RED RUM. RED RUM.
- THIS'LL COST YOUR MOTHER
A FORTUNE.
- WELL, WHAT ELSE
SHOULD SHE SPEND HER MONEY ON,
SOMETHING BORING
LIKE COLLEGE FUNDS
FOR HER OTHER GRANDDAUGHTERS?
- [laughs]
HEY!
- I JUST KEEP TELLING MYSELF
THAT ERIN HASN'T HAD
THE ADVANTAGES OUR GIRLS HAVE.
- ADVANTAGES?
- YOU GOT ME.
- YOU KNOW, IF THE GIRLS SEE US,
WE'RE GONNA DIE.
THEY SAID WE'D MAKE THEM
SELF-CONSCIOUS.
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
THEY WANT US TO COME, BRO.
THAT'S WHY THEY TOLD US NOT TO.
- HUH?
- THEY KNEW IF THEY INVITED US
TO A BRIDAL EXPO,
THERE'S NO WAY WE'D GO NEAR
THE PLACE.
- THEN, UH, WHY ARE WE HERE?
- FORBIDDEN FRUITS, MAN.
FORBIDDEN FRUITS.
- WHEN YOU HEAR YOURSELF TALK,
DOES IT MAKE SENSE TO YOU?
- SOMETIMES.
- HEY, FELLAS,
JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
WE WELCOME SAME-SEX PARTNERS.
WHAT YOU DO WITH THE RING
IS YOUR BUSINESS.
- THIS IS AN EXPENSIVE VEHICLE.
BE CAREFUL WITH IT.
- YEAH, RIGHT.
- HELEN.
- RITA.
- HOW ARE YOU, JAKE?
- WELL, I'M NOT BAD...
- OH, THE GIRLS LOOK LOVELY.
BUT DARIA, WHY DIDN'T YOU GET
THE SAME DRESS
AS THE OTHER BRIDESMAIDS?
- I DID.
- I'M SORRY ABOUT
THE REHEARSAL DINNER, RITA.
I HAD MEETINGS
ALL YESTERDAY AFTERNOON,
AND BY THE TIME WE GOT
ON THE ROAD...
- EVERYONE, THIS IS PAUL,
MY BEAU.
- HELLO.
- PAUL MEYERSON?
- JAKE?
JAKE AND I
WERE IN BOY SCOUTS TOGETHER.
YOU BRING YOUR CLUBS?
- OH. MMM.
- DAD, WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID
ABOUT KNOWING HOW TO PICK 'EM?
- OH, DARIA.
[laughs]
- WOW, WHO'S THAT?
- AUNT AMY?
- I DON'T MIND A FEW DENTS,
BUT CHANGE THE RADIO STATION,
AND YOU'RE A DEAD MAN.
- AMY, HOW DELIGHTFUL.
I THOUGHT WEREN'T COMING.
- I WASN'T.
BUT I FIGURED IF YOU TWO
COULD PUT ASIDE
THE YEARS OF BITTERNESS
AND RESENTMENT,
THEN SO COULD I
FOR A DAY.
- OH, AMY, WHY DO YOU SAY
SUCH RIDICULOUS THINGS?
- OUT LOUD?
SO, JAKE, YOU'RE STILL
WITH HELEN, HUH?
- WELL, UH...
- SHOW'S REMARKABLE FORTITUDE.
AND, ROGER,
HOW'S THE SKYDIVING GOING?
- AMY, ROGER PASSED AWAY.
THIS IS PAUL.
- OH, SORRY.
PAUL, HOW DO YOU DO?
- WHO'S ROGER?
- HE FELL ONTO A COW.
- ICK.
- AND HE WAS
ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES.
- GIRLS.
- HEY, WHAT'S THE POINT
OF A SENSELESS TRAGEDY
IF YOU CAN'T FIND
A LITTLE HUMOR IN IT?
I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK,
DARIA.
- NOW, AMY, I'M NOT SURE
WHERE WE'RE GONNA SEAT YOU.
- I NEED A DRINK.
- HA-HA.
- WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?
- HA.
[sighs]
- WOW, AUNT AMY'S REALLY WEIRD.
- YEAH.
- HAVE YOU SEEN ERIN'S DRESS?
- OH.
OH, IT'S GORGEOUS.
I LOVE THE LITTLE FLOWER.
- OH, IT CAN'T RAIN
ON BRIAN AND ERIN'S WEDDING.
IT JUST CAN'T.
- THAT WOULD BE SO AWFUL.
I COULDN'T STAND IT.
- ON THE CONTRARY,
RAIN IS AN ANCIENT SYMBOL
OF FERTILITY.
EVERY COUPLE
SHOULD BE SO LUCKY.
- OH, DON'T YOU SEE?
A LITTLE RAIN WON'T SPOIL
THE HAPPIEST DAY
OF BRIAN AND ERIN'S LIFE.
IT MAY RAIN OUT THERE,
BUT IN HERE,
THE SUN WILL BE SHINING.
- WE ARE NOW ENTERING HELL.
PLEASE KEEP YOUR HANDS
AND ELBOWS INSIDE THE CAR.
- YOU MUST BE ERIN'S COUSINS.
- I AM,
BUT DARIA IS, UM, HER COUSIN.
- WHAT?
- NEVER MIND.
- ACTUALLY, I'M IN
THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM.
THE MORGENDORFFERS
WERE KIND ENOUGH TO TAKE ME IN
AFTER MY REAL FAMILY
WAS EXTERMINATED BY THE MOB.
- OH.
WELL, HOW COME YOU DIDN'T GET
THE SAME DRESS
AS THE REST OF US?
- I DID.
- ANYWAY, IT'S TOO BAD YOU GUYS
MISSED THE REHEARSAL DINNER.
IT WAS SO FUN.
LET ME INTRODUCE YOU
TO YOUR ESCORTS.
DARIA, QUINN, THIS IS GARRETT.
- HI.
- GARRETT'LL BE WITH QUINN.
- OF COURSE.
- QUINN, YOU'RE JUST ABOUT
THE LOVELIEST LITTLE THING
I EVER SAW.
- THANKS.
DO YOU THINK
YOU COULD GET ME A SODA
WITH JUST AN EENSIE-WEENSIE
SLICE OF LEMON, PLEASE?
- DARIA, THIS IS YOUR ESCORT,
LURMAN.
- OF COURSE.
- HOW DO YOU DO, DURIAH?
- IT'S DARIA, ACTUALLY.
- SORRY.
SO, UM, LURMAN,
IS THAT YOUR FIRST NAME
OR YOUR LAST NAME?
- DOES IT MATTER?
- WELL, THEY SEEM
TO BE HITTING IT OFF.
- OH, YEAH.
- SHE'S ROUGH.
SHE'S TOUGH.
SHE'S LOVELY.
OUR SANDY IS IN A SILK
AND RAWHIDE OUTFIT
BY HORACE OF BEVERLY HILLS,
PROVING THAT
THE HAPPIEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE
DOESN'T HAVE TO BE DULL.
STICK 'EM UP, HOMBRES.
[applause]
- [snoring]
- VA-VA-VA-VOOM.
HERE'S LOVELY BRITTANY
IN A SLEEK AND SATINY NUMBER
FROM LE VERVE THAT SAYS,
"THIS MAY BE MY WEDDING DAY,
BUT DARN IT,
I WANT TO DANCE."
- WAKE UP.
IT'S BRITTANY.
- OH, WHAT? HUH?
OH, MAN.
- HEY, HEY, HEY.
- YOU LOSER.
- COME ON.
- UM, I THINK YOU'RE BLOWING
OUR COVER.
- KEVIN,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- SURPRISE, BABE.
- [squeals]
[birds chirping]
- AND AS WE SHARE THE JOY
OF THIS LOVELY YOUNG COUPLE,
BRIAN AND ERIN,
WE ARE COMPELLED TO ASK,
WHAT IS LOVE?
YES, LOVE,
LIKE A TINY RIVULET
WHICH BEGIN
IN THE HIGH MOUNTAINS,
NORMALLY AFTER TWISTING AND
TURNING FOR THOUSANDS OF MILES,
OVERCOMING
UNCOUNTABLE OBSTACLES,
MUST EVENTUALLY MEET
AND MERGE
WITH THAT GREAT OCEAN OF LOVE
WHICH IS ITS BIRTHRIGHT
AND ITS DESTINY.
- [chortles]
IT WAS HER.
- BABE, I SAID I WAS SORRY.
- WHAT IF THERE
HAD BEEN SOMEONE THERE
FROM A MAJOR TALENT AGENCY?
WHAT THEN?
- WELL, UH, I GUESS
THEY'D HAVE SEEN
THAT YOU'RE TALENTED.
- OH, THAT'S WHAT YOU GUESS,
IS IT?
MORE LIKELY THEY'D GUESS
I WAS DATING
THE KING OF THE JERKS,
AND THEY'D BE RIGHT.
WOW.
LOOK AT ALL THESE FLOWERS.
ARE THESE FOR SALE
OR JUST DISPLAY?
- SO THEY SAID TO ME,
"WHY DON'T WE
WE JUST MAKE YOU VP
AND HAVE YOU TAKE OVER
THE WHOLE DAMN OPERATION?"
AND HERE I WAS, 29 YEARS OLD.
- YEAH, YOU MENTIONED.
SO HOW DID YOU MEET RITA?
- WELL, YOU KNOW,
WE BOTH LOVE THE SEA.
I HAVE A SAIL BOAT.
- AND SHE'S A LITTLE DINGY.
[laughs]
I'M KIDDING, OF COURSE.
- WELL, LET'S FACE IT,
RITA'S A LITTLE FLIGHTY,
BUT SHE'S A TIGER
IN THE BEDROOM.
- KEEP POURING.
- YEAH, WELL, I GUESS
IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY.
- [mutters unintelligibly]
- MM-HMM.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
- JUST MORE POINTLESS CHITCHAT.
FORGET IT.
[slurps]
[groans]
WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER SODA?
- NO, UM...
- OR SHALL WE JUST SPLIT
A BOTTLE OF DRAIN CLEANER?
PLEASE BE ASSURED THAT MY REMARK
WAS INTENDED IN JEST
AND NOT AS AN INCITEMENT
TO ANY TYPE
OF ACTUAL
SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR.
- YOU'RE NOT FROM AROUND HERE,
ARE YOU?
- DARIA, THERE YOU ARE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T GET
TO SEE YOU BEFORE THE WEDDING.
- IT WAS A LOVELY CEREMONY.
- OH, BUT YOU HAVEN'T MET BRIAN.
ISN'T HE MARVELOUS?
HE WORKS FOR THE GOVERNMENT.
INTELLIGENCE.
- ERIN.
- I KNOW, I KNOW, I'M NOT
SUPPOSED TO SAY ANYTHING.
BUT ISN'T IT EXCITING?
- IF OUR NATIONAL SECURITY
IS COMPROMISED,
YOU CAN BET THERE'S A WOMAN
AT THE BOTTOM OF IT.
- OH, YOU.
- OH, GOD.
- HEY, DARIA, HOW COME YOU'RE
NOT WEARING THE SAME DRESS
AS EVERYBODY ELSE?
- I AM.
I THINK I'LL GO TO THE...
- LITTLE GIRLS' ROOM?
- YEAH, THE LITTLE GIRLS' ROOM.
I'M GONNA POWDER MY NOSE
AND THEN CHECK THE SEAMS
ON MY NYLONS.
- I'M SORRY.
WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU DO?
I THOUGHT I HEARD INTELLIGENCE,
BUT THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT.
- A WILD, ROILING, SURGING OCEAN
OF LOVE
OVER WHICH WE
AS MERE INDIVIDUALS
HAVE NO CONTROL.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING?
- UM, I'M NOT SURE.
- HI, QUINN.
HI, FATHER.
- ACTUALLY, I'M A MINISTER,
NOT A PRIEST.
- THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT
YOU'RE THE VOICE OF MORALITY
IN THE COMMUNITY.
- I HATE MYSELF
IN A FORMAL DRESS
AND EVERYONE ELSE TOO.
YOU DON'T LOOK TOO THRILLED
ABOUT THINGS EITHER.
- OH, NO, I'M OVERJOYED TO BE
AT THIS BIG FAMILY EVENT.
DAY-TO-DAY LIFE
ISN'T HUMILIATING ENOUGH.
- LET'S SEE.
YOU'RE IN COLLEGE NOW
OR SOMETHING.
- STILL HIGH SCHOOL,
UNFORTUNATELY.
- I HAVE SOME VAGUE MEMORIES
OF HIGH SCHOOL,
BUT THESE DAYS,
YOU ALL CARRY WEAPONS, RIGHT?
- WELL, NOT TO FORMAL OCCASIONS
LIKE THIS.
- THAT'S WHERE YOU KIDS
MAKE YOUR MISTAKE.
- I MEAN, LOVE THY NEIGHBOR.
LOVE THY BROTHER.
LOVE THY PARENTS.
EVERY TIME YOU TURN A PAGE,
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.
- WOW.
- HMM, I THOUGHT
WHEN I HIT 30,
I'D STOP FEELING OUT OF PLACE
AT THESE FAMILY THINGS.
- YOU FEEL OUT OF PLACE?
- YOU DIDN'T NOTICE MY SISTERS
ARE SO BUSY COMPETING
WITH EACH OTHER THAT I DON'T
EVEN REGISTER ON THEIR RADAR?
- YEAH, BUT I JUST FIGURED
YOU WERE ABOVE ALL THAT.
I MEAN, YOU'RE KIND OF...
- COOL?
- UM...
- I KNOW YOU CAN'T SAY THAT
TO ME.
LAW OF THE TEENAGERS.
- THANK YOU FOR RESPECTING IT.
- WHEN I WAS A KID,
WITH HELEN AND RITA GOING AT IT
ALL THE TIME,
ALL THEY LEFT FOR ME TO DO
WAS SUPPLY THE COLOR COMMENTARY.
THEN ONE DAY, I FOUND MYSELF
ALL GROWN UP
WITH MY OWN POINT OF VIEW
AND FEELING
NO PARTICULAR OBLIGATION
TO LISTEN TO ANYONE ELSE'S BS,
EVER.
- SO IT ACTUALLY WORKED OUT
PRETTY WELL.
- UNLESS I HAVE TO SEE
MY SISTERS AT A WEDDING, YEAH.
SARCASM:
IT'S A GREAT WAY TO DEAL.
BUT YOU WOULDN'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, WOULD YOU?
- NAH.
- HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- THIS WHOLE THING
IS STARTING TO GET TO ME.
I MEAN, DARIA HAD A POINT.
WHY SHOULD HIGH SCHOOL KIDS
BE THINKING ABOUT MARRIAGE?
IF I SEE ONE MORE
SWEET, DOPEY GIRL
STUCK WITH
A LAME-BRAINED IDIOT...
Both: HI.
- NOT EVEN THE PEP SQUAD?
- NOT EVEN
THE PEP SQUAD.
I'LL BE HONEST
WITH YOU, DAPHNE.
I JUST CAN'T FIND THE TIME.
- HOW COME?
- WELL, FIRST OF ALL,
THERE'S MY WORK.
- WHAT DO YOU DO?
- I'M AN EXOTIC DANCER.
YOU KNOW, AT A CLUB.
I TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF
AND DANCE FOR STRANGE MEN.
- REALLY?
WOW.
- SHE'S REALLY VERY GOOD.
- YOU'VE SEEN HER?
- I'D BETTER GO CHECK ON QUINN.
I... I CAN'T IMAGINE
WHAT'S KEEPING HER.
- OH, IT WAS A LOVELY CEREMONY,
THOUGH.
WASN'T IT?
- IT REALLY WAS, RITA.
- I'M JUST SO SORRY
MOM COULDN'T BE HERE.
- DON'T WORRY.
SHE'LL GET TO LIVE IT ALL
VICARIOUSLY
WHEN THE BILLS ARRIVE.
JAKE, HOW ABOUT GETTING ME
ANOTHER GLASS OF WINE?
- GEE, HONEY,
MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T...
- JAKE, I'D REALLY LIKE
ANOTHER GLASS OF WINE NOW.
- RIGHT.
- HELEN, YOU'RE NOT BITTER
ABOUT THIS?
- RITA, PLEASE.
WHY WOULD I BE BITTER?
YOU AND ERIN DESERVE THE BEST.
YOU ALWAYS HAVE.
- OH, NO,
I SHOULD BE PUNISHED FOREVER
BECAUSE I MADE
A FEW BAD DECISIONS?
- HI.
WHAT ARE YOU TWO ARGUING
ABOUT NOW?
- ARGUING?
WE'RE NOT ARGUING.
- STILL MAD BECAUSE
DAD GAVE RITA THAT MG
AND ALL YOU GOT
WAS A PLYMOUTH VALIANT?
- MY GOODNESS, AMY,
THE THINGS YOU REMEMBER.
- IT WAS A DODGE DART.
- I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING
TO SAY, QUINN, IS,
I MAY BE A MAN
OF THE CLOTH,
BUT I'M ALSO A MAN.
- QUINN, THERE YOU ARE.
FATHER?
- ACTUALLY, I'M A MINISTER,
NOT A PRIEST.
- WE'VE ALL BEEN WONDERING
WHERE YOU WERE.
- REALLY?
- WELL, I KNOW I HAVE.
- I'VE JUST BEEN EXPLAINING
TO QUINN
HOW EMOTIONS
CAN BE VERY CONFUSING
FOR YOUNG PEOPLE
LIKE YOURSELVES.
- WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, FATHER,
I WONDER IF MAYBE
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE
WITH THE CONFUSING EMOTIONS.
- I'M NOT SURE
I TAKE YOUR MEANING.
- OH, I THINK YOU DO.
- OH, NO.
- SO IT TURNS OUT
YOU CAN GO THROUGH TRAINING
AND BE UP THERE WORKING
ON THE SPACE STATION
IN UNDER THREE MONTHS.
NOW I'M JUST WAITING
FOR MY TANG.
- WOW, IS THAT TRUE?
- [sighs] NO, IT'S NOT TRUE.
I JUST MADE IT UP.
ALSO I'M NOT AN EXOTIC DANCER,
I DON'T KNOW SEAL,
AND I WASN'T ABDUCTED
BY THE UNDERSEA FISH PEOPLE.
- I JUST DON'T THINK
WE NEED TO TALK TO HER.
- [whispering] MAYBE WE SHOULD
JUST TELL HER WE CAN'T TALK.
- WE DECIDED WE BETTER NOT
TALK TO YOU ANYMORE.
- WHAT?
- IT'S NOT
THAT WE DON'T LIKE YOU.
IT'S JUST, UH...
- YOU HAVE PROBLEMS.
- WELL, DUH.
- HONEY, MAYBE WE OUGHT
TO THINK ABOUT GETTING BACK.
- NO, MY LITTLE PARTY
IS JUST BEGINNING.
WAITER.
- HERE, I'LL GET YOU
SOME COFFEE
AND WEDDING CAKE.
- OH, RITA WOULD LOVE THAT,
SEEING ME BALLOON UP
RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER.
- HELEN, UH, YOU'RE BEING
KIND OF LOUD.
- OH, NO!
WE DON'T WANT A SCENE,
DO WE?
WE WANT TO SPOIL
THE LOVELY WEDDING
THAT LOVELY MOTHER SPENT
SO MUCH LOVELY MONEY ON, DO WE?
- IS EVERYTHING OKAY HERE?
- WELL, YOU WERE RIGHT
ABOUT ONE THING.
SHE SURE KNOWS
HOW TO PICK 'EM.
- HEY, LOOK...
- KEEP IT DOWN.
- WANT TO MAKE ME?
- WHAT'S GOING ON, HELEN?
- OH, YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL
WHAT'S GOING ON, MOTHER.
YOUR PATHETIC BOYFRIEND
IS MAKING A SCENE.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
PATHETIC?
- LOOK IN THE MIRROR, PAL.
- I JUST WANT
TO SAY ONE THING, RITA.
YOU MAY BE THE PRETTY ONE,
YOU MAY BE THE ONE MOM LOVES,
BUT I'VE WORKED
MY DAMN BUTT OFF.
- AUNT HELEN, PLEASE.
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
HEH, NO CATFIGHTS,
LADIES, HEH.
- SHUT THE HELL UP,
YOU PREHISTORIC IMBECILE.
- THINGS ARE GETTING UGLY.
- I SUGGEST WE MAKE A HASTY
BUT UNOBTRUSIVE EXIT.
- REALLY?
- LET'S GO FIND A PLACE
THAT SERVES CHEESE FRIES.
YOU EAT, I'LL WATCH.
- I'M, UH, TAKING OFF.
- OH, SURE, LEAVE ME
TO THE DOGS.
- YOU CAN COME IF YOU WANT.
- NO, I'D PREFER TO SIT HERE
AND WATCH THE CARNAGE UNFOLD.
IT'S BEEN FUN, THOUGH.
- YEAH.
- OH, ALL RIGHT,
I'LL EAT TOO.
FOLLOW ME.
DON'T LOOK TO THE RIGHT OR LEFT.
THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO
FOR THESE PEOPLE NOW.
- DID YOU EVER CALL ME UP
TO DO ONE THING?
[grunting and punching]
- OH, YEAH?
- THIS PLACE OUGHT TO DO.
- AUNT AMY?
- JUST AMY.
- AMY, IS LIFE ALWAYS TAWDRY,
STUPID, AND HUMILIATING,
OR IS IT JUST A PHASE?
- JUST A PHASE.
I'M EXPECTING TO GROW OUT OF IT
ANY TIME NOW.
[bowling pins clattering]
COAST IS CLEAR.
- ONE THREE-TON HUBBY'S
NOT ENOUGH
FOR THIS RED-HOT MAMMAL.
THE POLYGAMIST HIPPOPOTAMUS
WHEN SICK, SAD WORLD RETURNS.
- I'M NOT GOING BACK THERE.
I DON'T CARE WHO SENT YOU.
- DOES HE LOOK FAMILIAR
TO YOU?
- I THINK I SAW HIM
ON AMERICA'S LEAST WANTED.
- I SUPPOSED YOU WANT TO ASK ME
WHAT YOUR MOTHER WAS LIKE
AS A CHILD.
- OKAY.
WHAT WAS SHE?
- A TIGHTLY-WOUND
PAIN IN THE ASS.
- NEW TOPIC?
- NAME IT.
[sirens blaring]
- I DON'T... I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED.
ONE MINUTE I HAD HIM,
AND THEN...
- SHUSH, SHUSH, SHUSH.
- EVERYTHING'S
UNDER CONTROL HERE, OFFICERS.
WHY DON'T YOU TWO GO HAVE
A CUP OF COFFEE OR SOMETHING
ON ME?
- DON'T WORRY.
I'M NO STRANGER TO PAIN.
[both sobbing]
- I LOVE YOU, HELEN.
- I LOVE YOU TOO.
- SIR, WOULDN'T THIS BE MORE
ENJOYABLE IN THE DAYTIME,
PERHAPS WITH SOME PARTNERS?
- DON'T TALK, SON.
YOU'RE SHAKING THE LIGHT.
- ♪ LA-LA LA LA-LA ♪
[driving rock music]
♪ ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA-LA LA LA-LA ♪