Daria (1997–2001): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Daria Hunter - full transcript
Lawndale High School goes on another field trip, this time to a local paint-ball course, with Helen & Jake as parental chaperones. The true savage nature of everybody's personality is revealed on this trip. Daria and Jane opt to s...
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- AND, FINALLY,
WE WILL BE TEAMING UP
WITH THE SCIENCE
AND LANGUAGE ARTS DEPARTMENTS
FOR AN INTERDISCIPLINARY
FIELD TRIP
TO JIM'S PAINTBALLING JUNGLE,
AN ACTIVITY
THAT SOME OF YOU MIGHT FIND
A LITTLE MORE TAXING
THAN SLEEPING THROUGH CLASS!
- UM, THE MAJOR
LEAGUE OF NATIONS?
- AND WHY ARE WE GOING
TO ENGAGE IN SIMULATED COMBAT?
DARIA.
- BECAUSE NO HIGH SCHOOL
EDUCATION IS COMPLETE
UNTIL YOU'VE CHASED YOUR FELLOW
STUDENTS AROUND THE WOODS
WITH TOY GUNS?
- [chuckles]
YOUR SARCASM AMUSES ME, DARIA.
I HOPE IT PROVIDES YOU COMFORT
WHEN YOU'RE COWERING
IN A FOXHOLE.
NO, WE'RE GOING
TO STUDY HOW WARFARE
IMPACTS ALL ASPECTS OF CULTURE!
NOW, WE'RE GOING TO NEED
PARENT VOLUNTEERS...
THAT IS, IF ANY OF THEM
CAN PULL THEMSELVES AWAY
FROM THEIR SIX-FIGURE JOBS
AS SYCOPHANTS!
YES, KEVIN?
- MY DAD'S NOT A SYCOPHANT,
MR. D.
HE'S A CONTRACTOR.
- KEVIN, STAY CLOSE TO ME
WHEN WE GET TO THE PAINTBALL
RANGE, ALL RIGHT, SON?
- SURE.
- [laughs evilly]
- ARE FISH USING OUR OCEANS
AS THEIR OWN PRIVATE TOILETS?
A SICK, SAD WORLD EXCLUSIVE
RIGHT AFTER THIS.
- THE BATHROOM'S DOWN THE HALL.
OR THERE'S AN OCEAN THAT WAY.
- UGH.
THIS ROOM IS EVEN GEEKIER
THAN I REMEMBERED.
- I'M SORRY; THE MAXIMUM
OCCUPANCY IS ONE.
PLEASE EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT.
- LOOK, I KNOW HOW
YOU LIKE TO EMBARRASS ME
AND SAY
WE'RE RELATED AND STUFF,
BUT PLEASE DON'T TELL
MOM AND DAD
THE SCHOOL'S LOOKING
FOR PAINTBALL VOLUNTEERS, OKAY?
- BUT I ALREADY SENT OUT
THEIR INVITATIONS.
- HA HA.
YOU DIDN'T, RIGHT?
- RELAX.
WE WORK TOGETHER FOR THE SAKE
OF A COMMON GOAL.
NO MENTION OF PAINTBALLING
OR VOLUNTEERING
FROM EITHER ONE OF US.
- AGREED.
- LATER, AFTER WE'VE
ACHIEVED THIS GOAL,
WE'LL RESUME
THE AGE-OLD HOSTILITIES
THAT HAVE MADE PEACE
IN THIS REGION OF THE HOUSE
A SEEMING IMPOSSIBILITY.
- GOOD PLAN.
- QUINN?
- DO YOU THINK THIS HAIRSTYLE
MEANS SOMETHING?
'CAUSE IT DOESN'T.
- BUT YOU'VE NEVER...
- CAN'T I EXPERIENCE
WITH A NEW LOOK IF I WANT TO?
- OF COURSE, BUT IT'S JUST...
- ALL RIGHT!
ALL RIGHT.
THE WHOLE SCHOOL'S GOING
ON A PAINTBALLING FIELD TRIP.
- PUT AWAY THE RED-HOT POKER.
- THE FASHION CLUB PUT ME
IN CHARGE OF FIGURING OUT
A STYLE TO PREVENT HELMET HAIR.
I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE
GOING TO DO IT!
I CAN'T TAKE ALL THIS PRESSURE.
- DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP.
YOU HELD OUT A GOOD TEN SECONDS.
- PAINTBALLING?
THAT'S EXCITING, ISN'T IT,
DARIA?
- NO.
- DARIA, THIS TRIP COULD BE
VERY GOOD FOR YOU.
YOU'LL GET TO KNOW YOUR
SCHOOLMATES AND YOUR TEACHERS.
I SMELL LETTERS OF
RECOMMENDATION FOR COLLEGE.
- THAT'S FUNNY.
ALL I SMELL IS 15 POUNDS
OF MAGIC BRAIDS HAIR GEL.
- THOSE LETTERS
CAN MAKE THE DIFFERENCE
IN GETTING INTO
YOUR FIRST-CHOICE SCHOOL.
- ONLY IF YOU HAVE
A FIRST-CHOICE SCHOOL.
- JAKE, TELL DARIA...
- OH, MY GOSH, FORGOT TO FIX
THAT LOOSE FLOORBOARD
WAY AT THE OTHER END
OF THE HOUSE.
- ACTUALLY, I SHOULD PROBABLY
DEAL WITH
THESE TEACHERS DIRECTLY.
- HEY, YOU WANT TO FINISH OUT
THE SEMESTER FOR ME?
- IT'S WHAT
AN INVOLVED PARENT WOULD DO.
- MOM, I THINK YOU'VE ALREADY
DEMONSTRATED YOUR INVOLVEMENT
BY PRETENDING YOU'RE
GOING OUT OF TOWN
WHENEVER MR. O'NEILL CALLS
ABOUT SCHOOL REVIEW MEETINGS.
- THAT MAN IS JUST SO CREEPY.
I DON'T SUPPOSE THEY NEED
VOLUNTEERS FOR THIS...
- [together] NO.
- OH, DARN.
- ALL RIGHT!
NOW LET'S SEE WHICH SIDE
OF THE BUS CAN SING THE LOUDEST.
LEFT SIDE!
♪ WHEN JOHNNY COMES ♪
♪ MARCHING HOME AGAIN ♪
♪ HOORAH, HOORAH ♪
♪ WHEN JOHNNY... ♪
COME ON, LEFT SIDE.
DON'T BE SHY.
- THANK YOU, MR. O'NEILL,
FOR YOUR TIRELESS DEDICATION
IN REMINDING THE STUDENTS
HOW OUT OF TOUCH WE ARE.
NOW WE'RE GOING TO DISCUSS
THE HISTORY OF GUERILLA WARFARE.
UNLIKE MOST OF YOU SLUGS...
- "ONLY 20 MILES
TO THE GREAT WHITE SHARK."
YOU KNOW, SHARKS DON'T REALLY
LIKE TO EAT HUMANS.
THEY USUALLY JUST TEAR OUT
A BIG BITE AND SWIM AWAY.
- VERY MUCH LIKE
MY SISTER'S DATES.
- I MEAN, SURE, THEY OFTEN TAKE
A VITAL ORGAN OR TWO WITH THEM.
- I APPRECIATE YOUR TRYING
TO CHEER ME UP,
BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.
- COME ON.
LET'S PLAY A WORD GAME!
- HOW ABOUT GEOGRAPHY?
- NAH, YOU HAVE TO, LIKE,
KNOW STUFF FOR THAT.
WHAT ABOUT MONOPOLY?
- MONOPOLY'S NOT A WORD GAME.
- I KNOW THAT.
CAN I BE THE RACING CAR?
- SO IT'S DECIDED.
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,
WE WON'T SHOOT EACH OTHER
AND MESS UP OUR OUTFITS.
IF I FIRE
ON A FELLOW FASHION CLUB MEMBER,
MAY I WEAR BROWN PANTS
WITH AN ELASTIC WAIST
FOR A WHOLE WEEK.
- IF I FIRE,
I'LL WEAR TAUPE PANTY HOSE...
THE SHINY KIND.
- STONE-WASHED JEANS.
- GLASSES.
- QUINN, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT ANYONE HITTING YOU,
'CAUSE I'LL PROTECT YOU.
- ME TOO.
I'LL BE YOUR BODYGUARD.
THEY'LL HAVE TO KILL ME FIRST.
- WELL... OKAY.
- I REALLY WANT TO TAKE
A BULLET FOR YOU.
- OH, IF ONLY YOU COULD.
- OKAY, SO LET'S SAY
IT'S MACK'S TURN.
HE SAYS, LIKE, "I NEVER
WENT STEADY WITH TWO PEOPLE
AT THE SAME TIME."
AND THEN, JODIE,
IF YOU NEVER WENT STEADY WITH
TWO PEOPLE AT THE SAME TIME,
THEN YOU DON'T TAKE A DRINK.
- A DRINK OF WHAT?
WE'RE ON A BUS.
- BUT, LIKE, SINCE I HAVE
GONE STEADY WITH TWO PEOPLE
AT THE SAME TIME,
I DO TAKE A DRINK.
YOU GET IT?
[laughs]
UM, I MEAN...
OH, NO!
- COME ON.
LET'S DITCH PAINTBALLING
AND GO SEE
THE GREAT WHITE SHARK.
IT'LL BE COOL.
- NO, IT WON'T.
IT'LL BE STUPID, AND WE'RE
ALREADY DOING SOMETHING STUPID.
- BUT THIS STUPID THING
WILL BE OUR IDEA.
- NOT INTERESTED.
THERE ARE PLENTY
OF TINY-BRAINED PREHISTORIC
CREATURES RIGHT HERE.
Thud!
- OW!
- [together] SURPRISE!
- WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE?
- I GUESS TORMENTING ME
IN THE PRIVACY OF MY OWN HOME
WASN'T ENOUGH.
- DARIA, ISN'T THIS GREAT?
I CALLED YOUR MOTHER
ABOUT THE SCHOOL REVIEW MEETING,
BUT SHE WAS GOING OUT OF TOWN
THAT NIGHT
AND ASKED IF WE WERE LOOKING
FOR PAINTBALL VOLUNTEERS.
I ONLY WISH MORE PARENTS
CARED ENOUGH
TO TAKE SUCH AN ACTIVE ROLE
IN THEIR CHILDREN'S EDUCATION.
- ME TOO.
- [nervously] YES.
- IF WE WALK FAST, WE CAN SEE
THE GREAT WHITE SHARK BY 10:00.
- ♪ YOU'RE STANDING ON MY NECK ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- WE ALSO HAVE AN EXACT REPLICA
OF 'NAM'S INFAMOUS P.O.W.
PRISON, THE HANOI HILTON.
SPECIAL DISCOUNTS FOR WEDDINGS.
[laughs]
- UM, COLONEL OR WHATEVER?
WHERE'S THE LADIES' ROOM?
- OH, THERE ARE COMFORT STATIONS
SCATTERED ABOUT,
BUT THEY'RE REALLY
WELL CAMOUFLAGED.
[laughs]
HEY, YOU, COME HERE!
- ME?
- WATCH THIS.
- [screams]
- JAKE!
- ISN'T IT GREAT?
A WHOLE LABYRINTH
OF UNDERGROUND TUNNELS.
YOU CAN GET LOST DOWN THERE
FOR DAYS.
- YEAH, GREAT.
UCK, WORMS!
- SO SEIZE THIS GOLDEN
OPPORTUNITY TO SAY,
"PRIVATE YOUNG PERSON REPORTING,
"SIR OR MADAM.
"READY, WILLING, AND ABLE
TO EXPLORE THE TRUE MEANING
OF TEAMWORK."
- LET'S GO, TEAM!
- THAT'S IT, BRITTANY.
WHO ELSE ON TEAM RED
WANTS TO SAY SOMETHING
BEFORE WE BEGIN?
JANE?
NOW, JANE, THERE'S NO "I"
IN "TEAM."
- OH, SHUT UP.
- [sighs]
- TO UNDERSTAND
THE DISRUPTIVE NATURE
OF WAR ON SOCIETY,
FIRST WE MUST UNDERSTAND
ITS SHATTERING IMPACT
ON INDIVIDUALS.
I REALIZE IT'S FOOLISH OF ME
TO ASSUME
THAT ANY MEMBER OF TEAM BLUE
EVEN KNOWS WHAT PHYSICAL PAIN
FEELS LIKE
OUTSIDE OF A PAPER CUT.
- YEAH, WHAT A BUNCH OF WEAK...
- DUCK!
SORRY, FALSE ALARM.
- THAT'S OKAY.
- EW, THAT'S YOUR UNCLE?
- NOW, REMEMBER, THE OBJECT
OF THE GAME IS TO SHOOT TO KILL.
- EXCUSE ME.
ISN'T THE OBJECT OF THE GAME
TO CAPTURE THE ENEMY'S FLAG?
- WHATEVER.
MOVE OUT.
- NOW, BEFORE WE GO OUT
ON THE BATTLEFIELD,
WOULD ANYONE LIKE
TO SHARE THEIR FEELINGS
WITH THE...
[paintball gun firing]
[crying]
- NOW THAT MR. O'NEILL
HAS PREDICTABLY DESERTED US
IN OUR PRIME,
I WILL TAKE COMMAND.
ALL RIGHT, IF WE SPREAD OUT
IN A LONG LINE
AND SWEEP TOWARDS THE FLAG...
- EXCUSE ME, MS. BARCH.
SINCE THEY CAN'T SEE US
VERY WELL
BECAUSE OF THE TERRAIN,
WE CAN SPLIT UP,
AND THEY WON'T
KNOW WHERE WE ARE.
THEN WE CAN ATTACK
FROM THREE SIDES,
DRIVE THEM OUT TO THE ONE SIDE
THEY THINK IS SAFE,
AND THEN SET AN AMBUSH THERE
TO CAPTURE THEM ALL AT ONCE.
PROBABLY BE A GOOD IDEA
TO SET UP A SECRET
OBSERVATION POST
ON THE HIGH GROUND
SO WE CAN WATCH THEM
WITHOUT THEM SEEING US.
[silence]
WHAT?
- THAT'S VERY GOOD, BRITTANY.
- OKAY, TEAM.
LET'S GO!
[all cheering]
COME ON, JANE.
- I'M MORE THE MERCENARY TYPE...
YOU KNOW, LONE WOLF OPERATING
ALONE KIND OF THING.
- GOOD IDEA.
IF PLAN "A" FAILS, YOU CAN
COME IN ON A RESCUE MISSION.
- THE MEN ARE SHOOTING!
- OW!
THOSE PAINTBALL THINGIES HURT.
- OH, NO, YOU'RE HIT!
YOU'RE OUT OF THE GAME.
- DAMN IT!
OH, WELL.
- POOR KID.
SHE NEVER HAD A CHANCE.
- SOMEBODY IN A MOVIE ONCE SAID,
"HELL IS THE POSSIBILITY
OF SANITY."
THAT'S WHAT THIS PLACE
FEELS LIKE: HELL.
I HATE IT ALREADY,
AND IT'S ONLY BEEN AN HOUR.
SOME DAMN HOUR, GRANDMA.
[rustling]
- DARIA, YOU COULD
AT LEAST TRY.
- I CAN'T SHOOT MY OWN MOTHER.
NOT WITH PAINT, ANYWAY.
- DARIA, IF I'M OUT HERE
GIVING MY ALL,
WHY CAN'T YOU, FOR ONCE...
[cell phone rings]
HELEN MORGENDORFFER.
OH, HI, ERIC.
YES, I'M OUT HERE
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
[laughs]
[paintballs thudding]
THE MEMO?
DIDN'T STEPHANIE
GIVE IT TO YOU?
NO, WELL, I...
- OW!
- SORRY.
- WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?
- I STOPPED TO WIPE OUT
A VILLAGE OF FARMERS.
- I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE
YOU DUMP A GUY
FOR HIS OLDER, CUTER BROTHER,
DOES THAT GIVE HIM THE RIGHT
TO HOLD A GRUDGE?
- MEN ARE SO IMMATURE.
- YOU KNOW, IF I KNEW
WE'D BE RUNNING AROUND IN DIRT,
I WOULDN'T HAVE WORN
MY GOOD SNEAKERS.
- WILL YOU GUYS SHUT UP?
I THINK I SEE SOMETHING.
- HEY, QUINN,
IS THAT YOUR COUSIN?
- OW.
- WAY TO GO, QUINN.
- OUR LEADER!
- all: OW!
- HEY, I JUST BOUGHT THIS.
- SANDI?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I WAS LOOKING
FOR THE BATHROOM,
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,
YOU STARTED SHOOTING AT ME.
I THOUGHT WE PROMISED
NOT TO DO THAT.
- I WOULD NEVER FIRE AT YOU,
SANDI,
BUT I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU
WITH THOSE GOGGLES.
- YEAH. I MEAN, WHY WERE YOU
WEARING THEM?
THEY'RE SO UGLY.
- BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE RULES.
- WELL, SOME RULES
ARE MADE TO BE BROKEN,
LIKE WEARING RED LIPSTICK
WITH AN ORANGE SWEATER.
- OR BLACK MASCARA
WITH BLONDE HAIR.
- BESIDES, YOU FIRED AT US
WHEN YOU WERE ALREADY HIT,
AND THAT'S
AGAINST THE RULES TOO.
Tiffany and Stacy: YEAH.
- GEE, IF EVERYONE
IS ON QUINN'S SIDE,
MAYBE QUINN SHOULD BE PRESIDENT
OF THE FASHION CLUB.
- DON'T BE SILLY.
I WOULD NEVER TRY
TO BE PRESIDENT...
AS LONG AS YOU WERE AROUND.
- REALLY?
- SURE.
I MEAN, DO YOU REALLY THINK
THAT I COULD REPLACE YOU?
- ALL RIGHT, KEVIN.
DO YOU THINK THAT ATROPHIED,
PEA-SIZED CLUSTER OF CELLS
YOU REFER TO AS YOUR BRAIN
CAN REMEMBER THE COMPLICATED
INSTRUCTIONS I JUST GAVE YOU?
- UM, GET THE FLAG?
- VERY GOOD, KEVIN.
- FREEZE, BABE.
- OW!
THOSE PAINTBALL THINGIES HURT.
I'M GOING TO HAVE A WELT.
- WAR'S NOT PRETTY, KEVIE.
SORRY.
HI-YAH!
[paintball gun clicks]
- OW!
- ROTTEN DIRTBAG LIARS,
ALL OF YOU!
- MS. BARCH, STOP SHOOTING!
THOSE PAINTBALL THINGIES HURT.
- I TRUSTED YOU, DAMN IT.
TWO DECADES OF LEGAL SLAVERY,
AND STILL YOU THROW IT ALL AWAY
FOR A HALTER TOP
AND A PAIR OF PUMPS.
- OW!
MADAM, I BELIEVE YOU'VE GOT ME
CONFUSED WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
I'M NOT YOUR EX-HUSBAND.
- I KNOW THAT.
BUT HE'S NOT HERE!
[thunder rumbles]
- GOOD; I WAS FEELING TOO DRY.
- ♪ EXCUSE ME ♪
♪ EXCUSE ME ♪
♪ ♪
MAYBE WE SHOULD TURN BACK.
- MAYBE YOUR MOTHER
WILL LEND YOU A RAINCOAT.
- SHUT UP, AND KEEP WALKING.
[bells jingle]
- WE'RE HERE TO SEE
THE GREAT WHITE SHARK.
- OH, IT'S A BEAUTY, AIN'T IT?
- IT'S A TOOTH.
- YOU WOULDN'T SAY,
"IT'S A TOOTH" IF YOU KNEW
THE LEGEND OF GREAT WHITE.
- WOMEN HAVE BEEN PROGRAMMED
TO LIE ABOUT THEIR AGE
FOR SO LONG,
NO WONDER PEOPLE THINK 40
LOOKS LIKE 50.
I'M GLAD THAT'S OVER.
- AMEN.
OOH!
THANK GOD MEN NO LONGER
LOOK AT US AS SEX OBJECTS.
- YOU SAID IT, SISTER.
SO DO I LOOK 46... 44?
- WOULD YOU LIKE MY...
- FORGET IT, YOU... YOU MAN.
- BUT I WAS JUST OFFERING.
- 22 YEARS OF MY LIFE GONE,
AND ALL I HAVE TO SHOW
FOR TENDING TO YOUR EVERY NEED
ARE THE CORNS ON MY FEET
AND A BIG RED RASH ON MY CHEST.
- GO AHEAD; IT'S ALL RIGHT.
LET IT OUT.
- OH, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GO BACK OUTSIDE
WITH YOUR WARMONGERING SEX
AND DESTROY SOMETHING WEAK?
- VENTING FEELS GOOD,
DOESN'T IT?
YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY
AND TO EXPRESS THAT ANGER.
- HUH?
- OH! HI.
IT'S RAINING CATS AND DOGS
OUT THERE.
- WHAT A UNIQUE PERSPECTIVE
ON THE SITUATION.
- LITTLE NIP TO WARM YOU UP?
- MR. MORGENDORFFER,
I'M A TEACHER RESPONSIBLE
FOR DOZENS OF STUDENTS
ON A FAIRLY HAZARDOUS
FIELD TRIP.
DO YOU THINK I SHOULD TAKE
A LITTLE NIP?
- I GUESS NOT.
- NO! I GUESS NOT!
GIMME THAT!
- SAY, DID YOU, BY ANY CHANCE,
GO TO MILITARY SCHOOL?
- HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?
- UNTIL GREAT WHITE'S
CAPTURE TWO MONTHS AGO,
HE TERRORIZED
THE EASTERN SEABOARD,
CHOMPING ON TOURISTS
AND SPITTING THEM OUT
LIKE BAD RED WINE.
- EXCELLENT.
- IT WAS THE PEAK
OF TOURIST SEASON
WHEN A MANGLED BODY WASHED UP
ON THE SHORE,
SCARING THE BEACHCOMBERS
AND LIFEGUARDS...
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- WHICH ONE OF US
DO YOU LIKE BEST?
- WHICH ONE OF YOU WANTS
TO TAKE ME TO CHEZ PIERRE?
- I'LL TAKE YOU, QUINN.
- NO, NO, COME ON!
WITH ME!
- I GOT THE MONEY.
- QUINN'S SO CUTE.
- YEAH.
- CUTER THAN ME?
- OH, NO.
YOU'RE WAY CUTER.
- NOT THAT LOOKS ARE IMPORTANT.
- NO WAY.
- I WISH I COULD FIND
THAT BATHROOM.
- I THINK IT'S OVER THERE
SOMEWHERE.
- WHERE'S SANDI?
- OH, YOU KNOW SANDI.
ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A BATHROOM.
- SHE LOOKS REALLY CUTE TODAY.
- MM-HMM.
- CUTER THAN ME?
- OH, NO.
YOU'RE WAY CUTER.
- OF COURSE THE MAYOR CLAIMED
THE CHEWED-UP BODIES
WERE THE VICTIMS OF A PROPELLER.
BUT THE PEOPLE KNEW BETTER.
- EXCUSE ME, BUT ISN'T THIS
THE PLOT OF JAWS?
- NO, NO, THIS IS
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
THAT'S WHEN THEY CALLED IN
THE GREAT SHARK HUNTER.
THAT'S WHEN
THEY CALLED IN... ME.
- I'M GLAD TO SEE
YOU TAKE SUCH AN INTEREST
IN YOUR DAUGHTERS,
MRS. MORGENDORFFER.
- WELL, IT ISN'T EASY RAISING
TWO TEENAGERS
ALL BY YOURSELF... WITH JAKE.
- OF COURSE, I LIKE TO THINK
THE SCHOOL ENVIRONMENT
ALSO PLAYS A PIVOTAL ROLE.
- ABSOLUTELY, ALTHOUGH
IT WOULD BE NICE IF THE STUDENTS
GOT A LITTLE MORE ENCOURAGEMENT.
MAYBE A BRIGHT KID LIKE DARIA
WOULD HAVE A BETTER ATTITUDE.
- [snorts and laughs]
- DID I SAY SOMETHING FUNNY?
- WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,
I CAN'T THINK OF A PRISON
THAT COULD CREATE AN ATTITUDE
LIKE YOUR DAUGHTER'S,
MUCH LESS A SCHOOL.
NO, I ALWAYS ASSUMED
THAT CAME FROM INTERACTION
WITH HER PARENTS...
OR LACK OF IT.
- OH, SO YOU DRAW A DISTINCTION
BETWEEN PRISONS AND SCHOOLS,
BECAUSE FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD,
YOU RUN THE ONE
PRETTY MUCH LIKE THE OTHER.
- I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN
TO THIS!
- NO, YOU DON'T.
- AND, BY THE WAY, YOU LOOK 50!
- I TRIED HARPOONING
GREAT WHITE,
BUT THE MASSIVE BEAST
SHOOK THEM OFF
LIKE SO MANY TOOTHPICKS.
I TRIED TYING HIM DOWN
WITH FLOATING BARRELS, BUT NO.
GREAT WHITE SAID,
"I WILL HAVE NONE OF THIS."
SO THE CAPTAIN DECIDED...
- THE RAIN'S LETTING UP.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
- AND THEN THAT LITTLE SNOT
RICHARD DREYFUSS
DECIDED THAT IT WAS ALL
HIS BIG GAME,
AND HE...
- BECAUSE WHAT GOOD IS SIGNING
A PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT
WITH ANOTHER IF WE DON'T FIRST
SIGN ONE WITH OURSELF?
- I NEVER THOUGHT IT POSSIBLE.
YOU'RE SENSITIVE,
YET YOU'RE A MALE.
- OH, WELL...
- WATCH THE RASH.
- I DIDN'T MEAN TO STEP
ON DAD'S CONTACT.
THE NEXT DAY, HE SHIPPED ME OFF
TO MILITARY SCHOOL.
- MY MOTHER DIDN'T WANT
HER DATES TO KNOW SHE HAD A SON,
SO I SPENT A LOT OF TIME
AT THE NEIGHBORS'.
STRANGE, TWISTED PEOPLE.
- I KNOW; I HAD
THE SAME NEIGHBORS.
- JAKE, YOU'RE DRUNK!
- DRUNK?
HONEY, DON'T BE SILLY.
- HEY, QUINN, COME ON.
- QUINN, WE'RE LEAVING!
- COME BACK, QUINN!
QUINN, COME BACK!
- [breathing heavily]
- ♪ HUH, HUH! ♪
♪ WHEN JOHNNY COMES
MARCHING HOME ♪
- ALL RIGHT.
IS EVERYONE ACCOUNTED FOR?
- YES.
OKAY, TIME TO GO.
- WAIT.
I DON'T SEE THE MORGENDORFFERS.
- OH, WELL.
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
- BESIDES, THEY DROVE HERE.
THEY CAN GET THEMSELVES HOME...
THAT IS, IF SOMEONE HADN'T TAKEN
THEIR DISTRIBUTOR CAP.
[engines turn over]
[helicopter rotors beating]
- UH...
WAIT!
[romantic music]
♪ ♪
WHOA!
[moaning]
- DRINKING ON A SCHOOL TRIP
WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
SHOWING THE GIRLS
YOU'RE COMMITTED.
- COMMITTED?
I'VE BEEN COMMITTED, ALL RIGHT,
AND I NEVER HAD A TRIAL.
- JUST WAIT TILL I HAVE
ENOUGH ROOM TO RELOAD.
- NO!
HELEN, THOSE PAINTBALL
THINGIES HURT.
THE HORROR.
THE HORROR!
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
[rock music]
♪ ♪
♪ LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- AND, FINALLY,
WE WILL BE TEAMING UP
WITH THE SCIENCE
AND LANGUAGE ARTS DEPARTMENTS
FOR AN INTERDISCIPLINARY
FIELD TRIP
TO JIM'S PAINTBALLING JUNGLE,
AN ACTIVITY
THAT SOME OF YOU MIGHT FIND
A LITTLE MORE TAXING
THAN SLEEPING THROUGH CLASS!
- UM, THE MAJOR
LEAGUE OF NATIONS?
- AND WHY ARE WE GOING
TO ENGAGE IN SIMULATED COMBAT?
DARIA.
- BECAUSE NO HIGH SCHOOL
EDUCATION IS COMPLETE
UNTIL YOU'VE CHASED YOUR FELLOW
STUDENTS AROUND THE WOODS
WITH TOY GUNS?
- [chuckles]
YOUR SARCASM AMUSES ME, DARIA.
I HOPE IT PROVIDES YOU COMFORT
WHEN YOU'RE COWERING
IN A FOXHOLE.
NO, WE'RE GOING
TO STUDY HOW WARFARE
IMPACTS ALL ASPECTS OF CULTURE!
NOW, WE'RE GOING TO NEED
PARENT VOLUNTEERS...
THAT IS, IF ANY OF THEM
CAN PULL THEMSELVES AWAY
FROM THEIR SIX-FIGURE JOBS
AS SYCOPHANTS!
YES, KEVIN?
- MY DAD'S NOT A SYCOPHANT,
MR. D.
HE'S A CONTRACTOR.
- KEVIN, STAY CLOSE TO ME
WHEN WE GET TO THE PAINTBALL
RANGE, ALL RIGHT, SON?
- SURE.
- [laughs evilly]
- ARE FISH USING OUR OCEANS
AS THEIR OWN PRIVATE TOILETS?
A SICK, SAD WORLD EXCLUSIVE
RIGHT AFTER THIS.
- THE BATHROOM'S DOWN THE HALL.
OR THERE'S AN OCEAN THAT WAY.
- UGH.
THIS ROOM IS EVEN GEEKIER
THAN I REMEMBERED.
- I'M SORRY; THE MAXIMUM
OCCUPANCY IS ONE.
PLEASE EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT.
- LOOK, I KNOW HOW
YOU LIKE TO EMBARRASS ME
AND SAY
WE'RE RELATED AND STUFF,
BUT PLEASE DON'T TELL
MOM AND DAD
THE SCHOOL'S LOOKING
FOR PAINTBALL VOLUNTEERS, OKAY?
- BUT I ALREADY SENT OUT
THEIR INVITATIONS.
- HA HA.
YOU DIDN'T, RIGHT?
- RELAX.
WE WORK TOGETHER FOR THE SAKE
OF A COMMON GOAL.
NO MENTION OF PAINTBALLING
OR VOLUNTEERING
FROM EITHER ONE OF US.
- AGREED.
- LATER, AFTER WE'VE
ACHIEVED THIS GOAL,
WE'LL RESUME
THE AGE-OLD HOSTILITIES
THAT HAVE MADE PEACE
IN THIS REGION OF THE HOUSE
A SEEMING IMPOSSIBILITY.
- GOOD PLAN.
- QUINN?
- DO YOU THINK THIS HAIRSTYLE
MEANS SOMETHING?
'CAUSE IT DOESN'T.
- BUT YOU'VE NEVER...
- CAN'T I EXPERIENCE
WITH A NEW LOOK IF I WANT TO?
- OF COURSE, BUT IT'S JUST...
- ALL RIGHT!
ALL RIGHT.
THE WHOLE SCHOOL'S GOING
ON A PAINTBALLING FIELD TRIP.
- PUT AWAY THE RED-HOT POKER.
- THE FASHION CLUB PUT ME
IN CHARGE OF FIGURING OUT
A STYLE TO PREVENT HELMET HAIR.
I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE
GOING TO DO IT!
I CAN'T TAKE ALL THIS PRESSURE.
- DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP.
YOU HELD OUT A GOOD TEN SECONDS.
- PAINTBALLING?
THAT'S EXCITING, ISN'T IT,
DARIA?
- NO.
- DARIA, THIS TRIP COULD BE
VERY GOOD FOR YOU.
YOU'LL GET TO KNOW YOUR
SCHOOLMATES AND YOUR TEACHERS.
I SMELL LETTERS OF
RECOMMENDATION FOR COLLEGE.
- THAT'S FUNNY.
ALL I SMELL IS 15 POUNDS
OF MAGIC BRAIDS HAIR GEL.
- THOSE LETTERS
CAN MAKE THE DIFFERENCE
IN GETTING INTO
YOUR FIRST-CHOICE SCHOOL.
- ONLY IF YOU HAVE
A FIRST-CHOICE SCHOOL.
- JAKE, TELL DARIA...
- OH, MY GOSH, FORGOT TO FIX
THAT LOOSE FLOORBOARD
WAY AT THE OTHER END
OF THE HOUSE.
- ACTUALLY, I SHOULD PROBABLY
DEAL WITH
THESE TEACHERS DIRECTLY.
- HEY, YOU WANT TO FINISH OUT
THE SEMESTER FOR ME?
- IT'S WHAT
AN INVOLVED PARENT WOULD DO.
- MOM, I THINK YOU'VE ALREADY
DEMONSTRATED YOUR INVOLVEMENT
BY PRETENDING YOU'RE
GOING OUT OF TOWN
WHENEVER MR. O'NEILL CALLS
ABOUT SCHOOL REVIEW MEETINGS.
- THAT MAN IS JUST SO CREEPY.
I DON'T SUPPOSE THEY NEED
VOLUNTEERS FOR THIS...
- [together] NO.
- OH, DARN.
- ALL RIGHT!
NOW LET'S SEE WHICH SIDE
OF THE BUS CAN SING THE LOUDEST.
LEFT SIDE!
♪ WHEN JOHNNY COMES ♪
♪ MARCHING HOME AGAIN ♪
♪ HOORAH, HOORAH ♪
♪ WHEN JOHNNY... ♪
COME ON, LEFT SIDE.
DON'T BE SHY.
- THANK YOU, MR. O'NEILL,
FOR YOUR TIRELESS DEDICATION
IN REMINDING THE STUDENTS
HOW OUT OF TOUCH WE ARE.
NOW WE'RE GOING TO DISCUSS
THE HISTORY OF GUERILLA WARFARE.
UNLIKE MOST OF YOU SLUGS...
- "ONLY 20 MILES
TO THE GREAT WHITE SHARK."
YOU KNOW, SHARKS DON'T REALLY
LIKE TO EAT HUMANS.
THEY USUALLY JUST TEAR OUT
A BIG BITE AND SWIM AWAY.
- VERY MUCH LIKE
MY SISTER'S DATES.
- I MEAN, SURE, THEY OFTEN TAKE
A VITAL ORGAN OR TWO WITH THEM.
- I APPRECIATE YOUR TRYING
TO CHEER ME UP,
BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.
- COME ON.
LET'S PLAY A WORD GAME!
- HOW ABOUT GEOGRAPHY?
- NAH, YOU HAVE TO, LIKE,
KNOW STUFF FOR THAT.
WHAT ABOUT MONOPOLY?
- MONOPOLY'S NOT A WORD GAME.
- I KNOW THAT.
CAN I BE THE RACING CAR?
- SO IT'S DECIDED.
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,
WE WON'T SHOOT EACH OTHER
AND MESS UP OUR OUTFITS.
IF I FIRE
ON A FELLOW FASHION CLUB MEMBER,
MAY I WEAR BROWN PANTS
WITH AN ELASTIC WAIST
FOR A WHOLE WEEK.
- IF I FIRE,
I'LL WEAR TAUPE PANTY HOSE...
THE SHINY KIND.
- STONE-WASHED JEANS.
- GLASSES.
- QUINN, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT ANYONE HITTING YOU,
'CAUSE I'LL PROTECT YOU.
- ME TOO.
I'LL BE YOUR BODYGUARD.
THEY'LL HAVE TO KILL ME FIRST.
- WELL... OKAY.
- I REALLY WANT TO TAKE
A BULLET FOR YOU.
- OH, IF ONLY YOU COULD.
- OKAY, SO LET'S SAY
IT'S MACK'S TURN.
HE SAYS, LIKE, "I NEVER
WENT STEADY WITH TWO PEOPLE
AT THE SAME TIME."
AND THEN, JODIE,
IF YOU NEVER WENT STEADY WITH
TWO PEOPLE AT THE SAME TIME,
THEN YOU DON'T TAKE A DRINK.
- A DRINK OF WHAT?
WE'RE ON A BUS.
- BUT, LIKE, SINCE I HAVE
GONE STEADY WITH TWO PEOPLE
AT THE SAME TIME,
I DO TAKE A DRINK.
YOU GET IT?
[laughs]
UM, I MEAN...
OH, NO!
- COME ON.
LET'S DITCH PAINTBALLING
AND GO SEE
THE GREAT WHITE SHARK.
IT'LL BE COOL.
- NO, IT WON'T.
IT'LL BE STUPID, AND WE'RE
ALREADY DOING SOMETHING STUPID.
- BUT THIS STUPID THING
WILL BE OUR IDEA.
- NOT INTERESTED.
THERE ARE PLENTY
OF TINY-BRAINED PREHISTORIC
CREATURES RIGHT HERE.
Thud!
- OW!
- [together] SURPRISE!
- WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE?
- I GUESS TORMENTING ME
IN THE PRIVACY OF MY OWN HOME
WASN'T ENOUGH.
- DARIA, ISN'T THIS GREAT?
I CALLED YOUR MOTHER
ABOUT THE SCHOOL REVIEW MEETING,
BUT SHE WAS GOING OUT OF TOWN
THAT NIGHT
AND ASKED IF WE WERE LOOKING
FOR PAINTBALL VOLUNTEERS.
I ONLY WISH MORE PARENTS
CARED ENOUGH
TO TAKE SUCH AN ACTIVE ROLE
IN THEIR CHILDREN'S EDUCATION.
- ME TOO.
- [nervously] YES.
- IF WE WALK FAST, WE CAN SEE
THE GREAT WHITE SHARK BY 10:00.
- ♪ YOU'RE STANDING ON MY NECK ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- WE ALSO HAVE AN EXACT REPLICA
OF 'NAM'S INFAMOUS P.O.W.
PRISON, THE HANOI HILTON.
SPECIAL DISCOUNTS FOR WEDDINGS.
[laughs]
- UM, COLONEL OR WHATEVER?
WHERE'S THE LADIES' ROOM?
- OH, THERE ARE COMFORT STATIONS
SCATTERED ABOUT,
BUT THEY'RE REALLY
WELL CAMOUFLAGED.
[laughs]
HEY, YOU, COME HERE!
- ME?
- WATCH THIS.
- [screams]
- JAKE!
- ISN'T IT GREAT?
A WHOLE LABYRINTH
OF UNDERGROUND TUNNELS.
YOU CAN GET LOST DOWN THERE
FOR DAYS.
- YEAH, GREAT.
UCK, WORMS!
- SO SEIZE THIS GOLDEN
OPPORTUNITY TO SAY,
"PRIVATE YOUNG PERSON REPORTING,
"SIR OR MADAM.
"READY, WILLING, AND ABLE
TO EXPLORE THE TRUE MEANING
OF TEAMWORK."
- LET'S GO, TEAM!
- THAT'S IT, BRITTANY.
WHO ELSE ON TEAM RED
WANTS TO SAY SOMETHING
BEFORE WE BEGIN?
JANE?
NOW, JANE, THERE'S NO "I"
IN "TEAM."
- OH, SHUT UP.
- [sighs]
- TO UNDERSTAND
THE DISRUPTIVE NATURE
OF WAR ON SOCIETY,
FIRST WE MUST UNDERSTAND
ITS SHATTERING IMPACT
ON INDIVIDUALS.
I REALIZE IT'S FOOLISH OF ME
TO ASSUME
THAT ANY MEMBER OF TEAM BLUE
EVEN KNOWS WHAT PHYSICAL PAIN
FEELS LIKE
OUTSIDE OF A PAPER CUT.
- YEAH, WHAT A BUNCH OF WEAK...
- DUCK!
SORRY, FALSE ALARM.
- THAT'S OKAY.
- EW, THAT'S YOUR UNCLE?
- NOW, REMEMBER, THE OBJECT
OF THE GAME IS TO SHOOT TO KILL.
- EXCUSE ME.
ISN'T THE OBJECT OF THE GAME
TO CAPTURE THE ENEMY'S FLAG?
- WHATEVER.
MOVE OUT.
- NOW, BEFORE WE GO OUT
ON THE BATTLEFIELD,
WOULD ANYONE LIKE
TO SHARE THEIR FEELINGS
WITH THE...
[paintball gun firing]
[crying]
- NOW THAT MR. O'NEILL
HAS PREDICTABLY DESERTED US
IN OUR PRIME,
I WILL TAKE COMMAND.
ALL RIGHT, IF WE SPREAD OUT
IN A LONG LINE
AND SWEEP TOWARDS THE FLAG...
- EXCUSE ME, MS. BARCH.
SINCE THEY CAN'T SEE US
VERY WELL
BECAUSE OF THE TERRAIN,
WE CAN SPLIT UP,
AND THEY WON'T
KNOW WHERE WE ARE.
THEN WE CAN ATTACK
FROM THREE SIDES,
DRIVE THEM OUT TO THE ONE SIDE
THEY THINK IS SAFE,
AND THEN SET AN AMBUSH THERE
TO CAPTURE THEM ALL AT ONCE.
PROBABLY BE A GOOD IDEA
TO SET UP A SECRET
OBSERVATION POST
ON THE HIGH GROUND
SO WE CAN WATCH THEM
WITHOUT THEM SEEING US.
[silence]
WHAT?
- THAT'S VERY GOOD, BRITTANY.
- OKAY, TEAM.
LET'S GO!
[all cheering]
COME ON, JANE.
- I'M MORE THE MERCENARY TYPE...
YOU KNOW, LONE WOLF OPERATING
ALONE KIND OF THING.
- GOOD IDEA.
IF PLAN "A" FAILS, YOU CAN
COME IN ON A RESCUE MISSION.
- THE MEN ARE SHOOTING!
- OW!
THOSE PAINTBALL THINGIES HURT.
- OH, NO, YOU'RE HIT!
YOU'RE OUT OF THE GAME.
- DAMN IT!
OH, WELL.
- POOR KID.
SHE NEVER HAD A CHANCE.
- SOMEBODY IN A MOVIE ONCE SAID,
"HELL IS THE POSSIBILITY
OF SANITY."
THAT'S WHAT THIS PLACE
FEELS LIKE: HELL.
I HATE IT ALREADY,
AND IT'S ONLY BEEN AN HOUR.
SOME DAMN HOUR, GRANDMA.
[rustling]
- DARIA, YOU COULD
AT LEAST TRY.
- I CAN'T SHOOT MY OWN MOTHER.
NOT WITH PAINT, ANYWAY.
- DARIA, IF I'M OUT HERE
GIVING MY ALL,
WHY CAN'T YOU, FOR ONCE...
[cell phone rings]
HELEN MORGENDORFFER.
OH, HI, ERIC.
YES, I'M OUT HERE
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
[laughs]
[paintballs thudding]
THE MEMO?
DIDN'T STEPHANIE
GIVE IT TO YOU?
NO, WELL, I...
- OW!
- SORRY.
- WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?
- I STOPPED TO WIPE OUT
A VILLAGE OF FARMERS.
- I MEAN, JUST BECAUSE
YOU DUMP A GUY
FOR HIS OLDER, CUTER BROTHER,
DOES THAT GIVE HIM THE RIGHT
TO HOLD A GRUDGE?
- MEN ARE SO IMMATURE.
- YOU KNOW, IF I KNEW
WE'D BE RUNNING AROUND IN DIRT,
I WOULDN'T HAVE WORN
MY GOOD SNEAKERS.
- WILL YOU GUYS SHUT UP?
I THINK I SEE SOMETHING.
- HEY, QUINN,
IS THAT YOUR COUSIN?
- OW.
- WAY TO GO, QUINN.
- OUR LEADER!
- all: OW!
- HEY, I JUST BOUGHT THIS.
- SANDI?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I WAS LOOKING
FOR THE BATHROOM,
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,
YOU STARTED SHOOTING AT ME.
I THOUGHT WE PROMISED
NOT TO DO THAT.
- I WOULD NEVER FIRE AT YOU,
SANDI,
BUT I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU
WITH THOSE GOGGLES.
- YEAH. I MEAN, WHY WERE YOU
WEARING THEM?
THEY'RE SO UGLY.
- BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE RULES.
- WELL, SOME RULES
ARE MADE TO BE BROKEN,
LIKE WEARING RED LIPSTICK
WITH AN ORANGE SWEATER.
- OR BLACK MASCARA
WITH BLONDE HAIR.
- BESIDES, YOU FIRED AT US
WHEN YOU WERE ALREADY HIT,
AND THAT'S
AGAINST THE RULES TOO.
Tiffany and Stacy: YEAH.
- GEE, IF EVERYONE
IS ON QUINN'S SIDE,
MAYBE QUINN SHOULD BE PRESIDENT
OF THE FASHION CLUB.
- DON'T BE SILLY.
I WOULD NEVER TRY
TO BE PRESIDENT...
AS LONG AS YOU WERE AROUND.
- REALLY?
- SURE.
I MEAN, DO YOU REALLY THINK
THAT I COULD REPLACE YOU?
- ALL RIGHT, KEVIN.
DO YOU THINK THAT ATROPHIED,
PEA-SIZED CLUSTER OF CELLS
YOU REFER TO AS YOUR BRAIN
CAN REMEMBER THE COMPLICATED
INSTRUCTIONS I JUST GAVE YOU?
- UM, GET THE FLAG?
- VERY GOOD, KEVIN.
- FREEZE, BABE.
- OW!
THOSE PAINTBALL THINGIES HURT.
I'M GOING TO HAVE A WELT.
- WAR'S NOT PRETTY, KEVIE.
SORRY.
HI-YAH!
[paintball gun clicks]
- OW!
- ROTTEN DIRTBAG LIARS,
ALL OF YOU!
- MS. BARCH, STOP SHOOTING!
THOSE PAINTBALL THINGIES HURT.
- I TRUSTED YOU, DAMN IT.
TWO DECADES OF LEGAL SLAVERY,
AND STILL YOU THROW IT ALL AWAY
FOR A HALTER TOP
AND A PAIR OF PUMPS.
- OW!
MADAM, I BELIEVE YOU'VE GOT ME
CONFUSED WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
I'M NOT YOUR EX-HUSBAND.
- I KNOW THAT.
BUT HE'S NOT HERE!
[thunder rumbles]
- GOOD; I WAS FEELING TOO DRY.
- ♪ EXCUSE ME ♪
♪ EXCUSE ME ♪
♪ ♪
MAYBE WE SHOULD TURN BACK.
- MAYBE YOUR MOTHER
WILL LEND YOU A RAINCOAT.
- SHUT UP, AND KEEP WALKING.
[bells jingle]
- WE'RE HERE TO SEE
THE GREAT WHITE SHARK.
- OH, IT'S A BEAUTY, AIN'T IT?
- IT'S A TOOTH.
- YOU WOULDN'T SAY,
"IT'S A TOOTH" IF YOU KNEW
THE LEGEND OF GREAT WHITE.
- WOMEN HAVE BEEN PROGRAMMED
TO LIE ABOUT THEIR AGE
FOR SO LONG,
NO WONDER PEOPLE THINK 40
LOOKS LIKE 50.
I'M GLAD THAT'S OVER.
- AMEN.
OOH!
THANK GOD MEN NO LONGER
LOOK AT US AS SEX OBJECTS.
- YOU SAID IT, SISTER.
SO DO I LOOK 46... 44?
- WOULD YOU LIKE MY...
- FORGET IT, YOU... YOU MAN.
- BUT I WAS JUST OFFERING.
- 22 YEARS OF MY LIFE GONE,
AND ALL I HAVE TO SHOW
FOR TENDING TO YOUR EVERY NEED
ARE THE CORNS ON MY FEET
AND A BIG RED RASH ON MY CHEST.
- GO AHEAD; IT'S ALL RIGHT.
LET IT OUT.
- OH, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GO BACK OUTSIDE
WITH YOUR WARMONGERING SEX
AND DESTROY SOMETHING WEAK?
- VENTING FEELS GOOD,
DOESN'T IT?
YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY
AND TO EXPRESS THAT ANGER.
- HUH?
- OH! HI.
IT'S RAINING CATS AND DOGS
OUT THERE.
- WHAT A UNIQUE PERSPECTIVE
ON THE SITUATION.
- LITTLE NIP TO WARM YOU UP?
- MR. MORGENDORFFER,
I'M A TEACHER RESPONSIBLE
FOR DOZENS OF STUDENTS
ON A FAIRLY HAZARDOUS
FIELD TRIP.
DO YOU THINK I SHOULD TAKE
A LITTLE NIP?
- I GUESS NOT.
- NO! I GUESS NOT!
GIMME THAT!
- SAY, DID YOU, BY ANY CHANCE,
GO TO MILITARY SCHOOL?
- HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?
- UNTIL GREAT WHITE'S
CAPTURE TWO MONTHS AGO,
HE TERRORIZED
THE EASTERN SEABOARD,
CHOMPING ON TOURISTS
AND SPITTING THEM OUT
LIKE BAD RED WINE.
- EXCELLENT.
- IT WAS THE PEAK
OF TOURIST SEASON
WHEN A MANGLED BODY WASHED UP
ON THE SHORE,
SCARING THE BEACHCOMBERS
AND LIFEGUARDS...
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- WHICH ONE OF US
DO YOU LIKE BEST?
- WHICH ONE OF YOU WANTS
TO TAKE ME TO CHEZ PIERRE?
- I'LL TAKE YOU, QUINN.
- NO, NO, COME ON!
WITH ME!
- I GOT THE MONEY.
- QUINN'S SO CUTE.
- YEAH.
- CUTER THAN ME?
- OH, NO.
YOU'RE WAY CUTER.
- NOT THAT LOOKS ARE IMPORTANT.
- NO WAY.
- I WISH I COULD FIND
THAT BATHROOM.
- I THINK IT'S OVER THERE
SOMEWHERE.
- WHERE'S SANDI?
- OH, YOU KNOW SANDI.
ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A BATHROOM.
- SHE LOOKS REALLY CUTE TODAY.
- MM-HMM.
- CUTER THAN ME?
- OH, NO.
YOU'RE WAY CUTER.
- OF COURSE THE MAYOR CLAIMED
THE CHEWED-UP BODIES
WERE THE VICTIMS OF A PROPELLER.
BUT THE PEOPLE KNEW BETTER.
- EXCUSE ME, BUT ISN'T THIS
THE PLOT OF JAWS?
- NO, NO, THIS IS
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
THAT'S WHEN THEY CALLED IN
THE GREAT SHARK HUNTER.
THAT'S WHEN
THEY CALLED IN... ME.
- I'M GLAD TO SEE
YOU TAKE SUCH AN INTEREST
IN YOUR DAUGHTERS,
MRS. MORGENDORFFER.
- WELL, IT ISN'T EASY RAISING
TWO TEENAGERS
ALL BY YOURSELF... WITH JAKE.
- OF COURSE, I LIKE TO THINK
THE SCHOOL ENVIRONMENT
ALSO PLAYS A PIVOTAL ROLE.
- ABSOLUTELY, ALTHOUGH
IT WOULD BE NICE IF THE STUDENTS
GOT A LITTLE MORE ENCOURAGEMENT.
MAYBE A BRIGHT KID LIKE DARIA
WOULD HAVE A BETTER ATTITUDE.
- [snorts and laughs]
- DID I SAY SOMETHING FUNNY?
- WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,
I CAN'T THINK OF A PRISON
THAT COULD CREATE AN ATTITUDE
LIKE YOUR DAUGHTER'S,
MUCH LESS A SCHOOL.
NO, I ALWAYS ASSUMED
THAT CAME FROM INTERACTION
WITH HER PARENTS...
OR LACK OF IT.
- OH, SO YOU DRAW A DISTINCTION
BETWEEN PRISONS AND SCHOOLS,
BECAUSE FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD,
YOU RUN THE ONE
PRETTY MUCH LIKE THE OTHER.
- I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN
TO THIS!
- NO, YOU DON'T.
- AND, BY THE WAY, YOU LOOK 50!
- I TRIED HARPOONING
GREAT WHITE,
BUT THE MASSIVE BEAST
SHOOK THEM OFF
LIKE SO MANY TOOTHPICKS.
I TRIED TYING HIM DOWN
WITH FLOATING BARRELS, BUT NO.
GREAT WHITE SAID,
"I WILL HAVE NONE OF THIS."
SO THE CAPTAIN DECIDED...
- THE RAIN'S LETTING UP.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
- AND THEN THAT LITTLE SNOT
RICHARD DREYFUSS
DECIDED THAT IT WAS ALL
HIS BIG GAME,
AND HE...
- BECAUSE WHAT GOOD IS SIGNING
A PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT
WITH ANOTHER IF WE DON'T FIRST
SIGN ONE WITH OURSELF?
- I NEVER THOUGHT IT POSSIBLE.
YOU'RE SENSITIVE,
YET YOU'RE A MALE.
- OH, WELL...
- WATCH THE RASH.
- I DIDN'T MEAN TO STEP
ON DAD'S CONTACT.
THE NEXT DAY, HE SHIPPED ME OFF
TO MILITARY SCHOOL.
- MY MOTHER DIDN'T WANT
HER DATES TO KNOW SHE HAD A SON,
SO I SPENT A LOT OF TIME
AT THE NEIGHBORS'.
STRANGE, TWISTED PEOPLE.
- I KNOW; I HAD
THE SAME NEIGHBORS.
- JAKE, YOU'RE DRUNK!
- DRUNK?
HONEY, DON'T BE SILLY.
- HEY, QUINN, COME ON.
- QUINN, WE'RE LEAVING!
- COME BACK, QUINN!
QUINN, COME BACK!
- [breathing heavily]
- ♪ HUH, HUH! ♪
♪ WHEN JOHNNY COMES
MARCHING HOME ♪
- ALL RIGHT.
IS EVERYONE ACCOUNTED FOR?
- YES.
OKAY, TIME TO GO.
- WAIT.
I DON'T SEE THE MORGENDORFFERS.
- OH, WELL.
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
- BESIDES, THEY DROVE HERE.
THEY CAN GET THEMSELVES HOME...
THAT IS, IF SOMEONE HADN'T TAKEN
THEIR DISTRIBUTOR CAP.
[engines turn over]
[helicopter rotors beating]
- UH...
WAIT!
[romantic music]
♪ ♪
WHOA!
[moaning]
- DRINKING ON A SCHOOL TRIP
WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
SHOWING THE GIRLS
YOU'RE COMMITTED.
- COMMITTED?
I'VE BEEN COMMITTED, ALL RIGHT,
AND I NEVER HAD A TRIAL.
- JUST WAIT TILL I HAVE
ENOUGH ROOM TO RELOAD.
- NO!
HELEN, THOSE PAINTBALL
THINGIES HURT.
THE HORROR.
THE HORROR!
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
[rock music]
♪ ♪
♪ LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪