Daria (1997–2001): Season 2, Episode 13 - Write Where It Hurts - full transcript
When Daria is given a special school project to write a short story featuring people she knows, she finds it unusually frustrating.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- HEY, KIDDO!
GUESS YOU'RE WONDERING
WHAT OLD DAD IS UP TO
WITH THE BIG STEW POT.
- GUESS AGAIN.
- DARIA, I WOKE UP
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
WITH A HANKERING.
I SUDDENLY REMEMBERED
THE OLD KITCHEN SINK STEW
THEY USED TO SERVE US
AT THE MILITARY ACADEMY.
YOU KNOW
WHY THEY CALLED IT THAT?
- BECAUSE THEY PUT IN EVERYTHING
BUT THE KITCHEN SINK.
- BECAUSE THEY PUT IN EVERYTHING
BUT THE KITCHEN SINK.
HMM, LET'S SEE...
SOUP STOCK, PEPPERCORNS,
OREGANO, CHILIES...
[screams]
OH, GOD!
- WHY IS YOUR FATHER...
- DON'T ASK.
- READING SOMETHING?
- YES.
- MAY I ASK WHAT IT IS?
- IT'S A BOOK.
FOR SCHOOL.
ABOUT HOW FICTION SHOULD DO MORE
THAN JUST ENTERTAIN.
- THAT SOUNDS INTERESTING.
- YEAH.
A WRITER WRITING A BOOK
ABOUT HOW WRITERS
SHOULD WRITE BOOKS.
MUST HAVE BEEN A HUGE SELLER.
- [screams]
- WELL...
ANYTHING ELSE GOING ON
IN SCHOOL?
- LET'S SEE.
NOBODY TALKED TO ME AGAIN
THIS WEEK,
I WASN'T INVITED TO ANY PARTIES
FOR THE WEEKEND,
AND I THINK I'M GETTING
ONE OF THOSE
REALLY PAINFUL COLD SORES.
SO ALL IN ALL,
ANOTHER GREAT WEEK.
- OH, DARIA.
- HELEN! HELEN!
WHAT'S THE NUMBER FOR 911?
- DARIA, DO YOU HAVE TO LOOK
AT EVERYTHING
IN SUCH A NEGATIVE LIGHT?
- COULD YOU POSSIBLY
BE REFERRING
TO THE HARSH LIGHT
OF REALITY?
- TIFFANY SAYS A COLD FRONT
IS COMING THROUGH.
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY REALLY CUTE
FUZZY PINK SWEATER?
AND IF I CAN'T FIND IT,
CAN I BUY ANOTHER ONE?
THANKS.
- DARIA...
- DON'T BOTHER.
- MY TONGUE!
DEAR GOD, IT'S BLACK!
HELEN!
- BE RIGHT THERE, JAKE.
- SO WHAT GARDNER
IS TELLING US
IS THAT THE WRITER OF FICTION
HAS A DUTY
THAT GOES BEYOND
THE MERE TELLING OF A STORY.
HIS OR HER JOB IS TO TELL
A STORY IN SUCH A WAY
AS TO LEAVE THE READER...
WHAT, KEVIN?
- SCREAMING FOR MORE
FULL-CONTACT
MARTIAL ARTS EXCITEMENT?
- DARIA?
- I BELIEVE MR. GARDNER FEELS
IT'S THE WRITER'S DUTY
TO STEER THE READER
TOWARD MORE CONSCIENTIOUS
BEHAVIOR,
NO MATTER HOW DULL
THAT MAKES THE STORY.
- [sighs] VERY GOOD, DARIA.
NOW, KEEPING THAT IN MIND,
I WANT YOU EACH TO SELECT A BOOK
FROM THE LIST IN FRONT OF YOU
FOR A REPORT
ON ITS MORAL INTENTION.
YES, KEVIN?
- PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS
HOUSES SHOULDN'T THROW STONES.
I GOT ONE, BABE.
I GOT ONE!
- [sobs]
- EXCUSE ME.
- YES, DARIA?
- THIS LIST OF BOOKS,
I'VE READ ALL OF THEM.
- OH, NO.
UM, WOULD YOU LIKE TO PICK
ANOTHER BOOK TO READ, THEN?
- I GUESS.
- WAIT!
BRAINSTORM.
INSTEAD OF TRYING
TO READ A STORY
FOR ITS MORAL DIMENSIONS,
WHAT IF YOU WROTE A STORY
WITH MORAL DIMENSIONS?
- UM...
- A SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT, DARIA,
JUST FOR YOU.
- I DON'T KNOW.
WHO WOULD I WRITE ABOUT?
WHAT WOULD THEY DO?
- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
WRITE A STORY
TAKING PEOPLE YOU KNOW
IN REAL LIFE
AND TURNING THEM
INTO FICTIONAL CHARACTERS?
- I WONDER IF ANYONE
WOULD NOTICE A DIFFERENCE.
- SO HOW'S THE STORY COMING?
OR DOES IT DISTURB YOU
IF I TALK WHILE YOU'RE WRITING?
- IT WOULD DISTURB ME IF I WERE
ACTUALLY DOING ANY WRITING.
- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
TAKE PEOPLE YOU KNOW AND HAVE
THEM DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
I'D MAKE THEM CRAWL,
I TELL YOU.
CRAWL!
- EASY, TIGER.
- WHO ARE YOU GONNA
WRITE ABOUT?
- I HAVEN'T A CLUE.
- HMM...
HOW ABOUT KEVIN AND BRITTANY?
YOU COULD WRITE
A THRILLING ROMANCE
LEADING UP TO THEIR
STORYBOOK WEDDING.
- YOU NEED TO START
WEARING A HAT
WHEN YOU GO OUT IN THE SUN.
- BOY, WOULD I LIKE
TO BE THERE
WHEN THOSE TWO
TIE THE NOOSE.
[Wedding March playing]
- AND DO YOU, KEVIN,
TAKE THIS PULCHRITUDINOUS WOMAN
TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE?
- KEVIN!
- I, UH...
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
- I SAID DO YOU, KEVIN,
ASSUME LEGAL RESPONSIBILITY
FOR THIS OVERRIPE SPECIMEN
OF FEMALE-HOOD
STANDING NEXT TO YOU?
THE ONE IN WHITE, SON!
- KEVIN!
KEVIN!
- WELL?
- ANSWER HIM, KEVIE.
- UM...
- KEVIN!
- JANE!
[upbeat acoustic music]
♪ ♪
- AH...
BRITTANY.
PLEASE ACCEPT MY CONDOLENCES
ON THE UNFORTUNATE WAY
THE BIGGEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE
HAS TURNED OUT.
- YES!
♪ ♪
- DARIA?
DARIA?
WHAT ABOUT THEIR WEDDING?
WOULDN'T THAT BE FUNNY
TO WRITE ABOUT?
- WHAT?
UH, NO.
I DON'T KNOW.
- OKAY.
- I MEAN, IF I WERE GONNA WRITE
ABOUT MATING RITUALS,
I THINK I'D GO BACK
A COUPLE HUNDRED YEARS
WHEN WOMEN EITHER MARRIED
OR SHRIVELED UP AND BLEW AWAY.
- INSTEAD OF MARRYING
AND THEN SHRIVELING UP,
LIKE THEY DO NOW?
- MR. LANE LEFT HIS CARD
YESTERDAY.
MOTHER SAID HE APPEARED
MOST ANXIOUS TO CALL UPON YOU.
- I CANNOT IMAGINE WHAT FOR.
MR. LANE'S TEMPERAMENT,
OUTLOOK,
INDEED HIS VERY MANNERS
ARE SUCH AS TO AROUSE BEMUSEMENT
RATHER THAN ENDEARMENT
IN THE OBJECT OF HIS ATTENTIONS.
- HUH?
- HE'S FLAKY.
- FLAKY THOUGH HE MAY BE,
ONE DAY, ALL OF DEVONHEAVENSHIRE
WILL BE HIS,
HIS TO SHARE WITH WHOSOEVER
IS LUCKY ENOUGH
TO BECOME LADY LANE.
- DEAR SISTER,
I WOULD HOPE
THAT WHOEVER
DOES BECOME LADY LANE
DOES SO OUT OF REGARD
FOR MR. LANE
AND NOT FOR HIS ESTATE.
- WHAT ABOUT HIS CAR?
- HMM.
- BUT LOOK!
HERE APPROACHES
MR. LANE HIMSELF,
ALONG WITH HIS SISTER'S
ADMIRER, MR. MORENO.
- GOOD MORNING,
MISS MORGENDORFFER, MISS QUINN.
I PRAY THE DAY
FINDS YOU WELL.
- YEAH.
- AND A GOOD MORNING
TO YOU, SIRS.
- INDEED, IT PROMISES
TO BE A GLORIOUS MORNING
AND ONE TO GLADDEN
THE STONIEST OF HEARTS.
- YEAH.
- LET US HOPE SO, INDEED,
FOR NOTHING SO RECOMMENDS
THIS WORLD
AS THE PROMISE WITH WHICH
IT OFFERS UP EACH GENTLE DAY.
- AND, PRAY,
UPON THIS DEWY MORNING,
WHAT ERRAND IS IT
THAT FINDS YOU GUYS ABROAD?
- ERRAND WE HAVE NONE.
BUT WITH ANY LUCK,
WE SHALL HAVE SPORT.
WE AWAIT THE OTHER MEMBERS
OF OUR HUNTING PARTY,
AND I BELIEVE
I GLIMPSE THEM NOW.
- GOOD CHEER,
MISS MORGENDORFFER.
- GOOD DAY, QUINN.
- MY, WHAT MILD WEATHER.
Both: GOOD DAY.
- MISS QUINN, MAY I GET YOU
A BRACING SPOT OF TEA?
- DO YOU NEED A POWDER
TO CURE THE VAPORS?
- I'LL TUNE YOUR PIANOFORTE.
- OH, QUINN, YOUR SUITORS
ARE SO NUMEROUS
BECAUSE YOU ARE SO FAIR
AND GOOD.
- OH, SISTER,
YOUR WIT AND JUDGMENT
ASSURE THAT YOU WILL MARRY
NOT ONLY WELL BUT WISELY.
- DID SHE SAY "MARRY"?
- YEAH.
- OH, WELL.
- I REALLY SUCK AT THIS.
- NO.
NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE.
OH, MY GOD,
WHAT HAS YOUR FATHER DONE NOW?
JAKE!
DARIA?
- HUH?
- IS SOMETHING WRONG?
- WRONG?
UH, NO.
I'M THINKING ABOUT AN ASSIGNMENT
I GOT IN SCHOOL.
- ANYTHING I CAN HELP WITH?
- NO.
[sighs]
I'M SUPPOSED TO WRITE A STORY
USING PEOPLE I KNOW
AS FICTIONAL CHARACTERS.
- REALLY?
THAT SOUNDS FASCINATING.
- NOT SO FAR.
EVERYTHING I WRITE
COMES OUT BAD.
I HAVE NO STORY.
- OH, I'M SURE...
[phone rings]
HANG ON A SECOND, DARIA.
HELLO?
NO, THAT'S NOT A COUNTEROFFER.
IT'S AN INSULT.
I WILL TALK TO YOU TOMORROW
DURING OFFICE HOURS.
GOOD-BYE!
OKAY, NOW, WHAT ARE
THE OTHER STUDENTS WRITING?
- THEY'RE NOT.
THIS IS AN EXTRA ASSIGNMENT
JUST FOR ME.
- OH.
- A PUNISHMENT
FOR BEING SMART.
- NOW, COME ON, DARIA,
I'M SURE YOU'LL DO A GREAT JOB
IF YOU JUST PUT YOUR MIND TO IT.
- YOU ARE VERY, VERY WRONG.
- SURE, YOU WILL.
ALL YOU... [phone rings]
YES?
TOMORROW!
DURING OFFICE HOURS.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS GET OFF YOUR TOKUS
AND DO IT.
WHEN QUINN HAS A CHALLENGE...
- QUINN?
ALL HER CHALLENGES
INVOLVE COORDINATING HER SHOES
WITH THE COLOR
OF HER DATE'S EYES.
- DARIA, WHAT I MEAN IS...
- HOW CAN YOU TALK TO ME
ABOUT QUINN?
SHE'LL NEVER HAVE
THIS KIND OF PROBLEM.
IT INVOLVES THINKING.
YOU MAKE ME TELL YOU
WHAT'S WRONG, IN BETWEEN CALLS,
AND THEN YOU BRING UP QUINN?
DON'T YOU KNOW ME AT ALL?
- GOOD ONE, MORGENDORFFER.
[phone rings]
DAMN!
[psychedelic rock music]
- MAN, WHAT A GOOD DAY
TO JUST KICK BACK AND CHILL.
- YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.
- CAN'T STOP TO TALK.
A BIG PARTY AT STACY'S
IN FOUR HOURS.
GOT TO DRESS.
- QUINN, DON'T YOU THINK
YOU'VE TAKEN THIS
POPULARITY THING TOO FAR?
- HUH?
- THIS WELL-LIKED TEEN CRAP.
DON'T YOU HAVE ANY DEPTH AT ALL?
- WHY CAN'T YOU BE
MORE LIKE DARIA?
- OH, HEY, DARIA.
- UM, DO YOU WANT
TO TALK TO QUINN ALONE?
- NO, SWEETIE.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
WE WERE JUST TELLING HER
HOW WE WISH
SHE'D BE MORE LIKE YOU.
- AGAIN.
- WELL, NOT EVERYONE
CAN HAVE THE SAME...
- DON'T YOU THINK I WANT
TO BE MORE LIKE DARIA?
DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD
IF I COULD?
GOD, MOM AND DAD,
WHY WON'T YOU ACCEPT IT?
I'LL NEVER BE LIKE DARIA.
THAT'S MY CURSE
AND MY BURDEN.
I KNOW IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT,
BUT LOOK WHAT YOUR PERFECTION
HAS DONE TO ME.
[cries]
- SHOULDN'T WE COMFORT HER
OR SOMETHING?
- [laughs] OH, LET HER GO.
- SHE'LL GET OVER IT.
- WE SHOULD AT LEAST TELL HER
ABOUT THAT EIGHT-LANE HIGHWAY
THEY BUILT OUTSIDE THE HOUSE
DURING THE NIGHT.
- HMM, YOU MAY BE RIGHT.
[horns honk and tires screech]
[loud crash]
- THAT CAN'T BE GOOD.
[loud crash]
- OW!
GOD!
- ANOTHER MASTERPIECE.
SO IT TURNS OUT THAT MY LIFE
UP TO NOW HAS BEEN A SHAM.
I CAN'T WRITE.
I CAN'T PRODUCE
A SIMPLE STORY.
- WOW, DARIA.
I NEVER FIGURED YOU
FOR A LACK OF IMAGINATION.
- I HAVE IMAGINATION.
I CAN COME UP
WITH ALL SORTS OF IDEAS,
BUT NONE OF THEM FEELS TRUE.
- WELL, WHAT'S YOUR DEFINITION
OF "TRUE"?
- SOMETHING
THAT SAYS SOMETHING.
- WHAT? ANYTHING?
- NO, SOMETHING.
ABOUT SOMETHING.
- LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
YOU'RE TELLING ME
YOU WANT TO WRITE SOMETHING,
NOT JUST ANYTHING,
THAT SAYS SOMETHING
ABOUT SOMETHING.
- RIGHT.
- GEE, WHO'D EVER BELIEVE
YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE
COMMUNICATING?
[knock on door]
- WHOM SHALL I SAY IS CALLING?
- DARIA, IS THERE ANYTHING
YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT?
- NO, THANK YOU.
- ARE YOU SURE, SWEETIE?
- I NEED SOME TIME ALONE
TO WORK OUT MY FEELINGS.
- DARIA!
- OR DO A CROSSWORD.
- DARIA...
- GAH, HELEN!
MY STEW!
THE STOVE'S ON FIRE!
- OH, FOR THE LOVE OF...
[groovy bass music]
♪ ♪
[thunder booming]
- UNHOLY MOTHER,
SISTER OF SATAN,
TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE
IN YOUR FILTHY BREW.
SAY WHAT THE MISTS OF TIME
HOLD FOR ME.
- HAVE YOU MY PAYMENT?
THE TENDER LIVER
OF A NEWBORN BABE.
- I, UM, WAS IN A RUSH.
WILL YOU TAKE A CHECK?
- A CHECK?
HAVE YOU TWO FORMS OF I.D.?
- TELL ME
YOU CAN BRING ME POWER!
POWER TO CRUSH MY ENEMIES,
TO TRIUMPH OVER ALL!
- YES, I CAN BRING YOU
THIS POWER.
BUT WHY SHOULD MEN
GET ALL THE GOOD JOBS?
[thunder booming]
- TELL ME
YOU CAN BRING ME POWER,
POWER TO CRUSH MY ENEMIES,
TO TRIUMPH OVER ALL!
-I CAN'T WAIT
TO TASTE THIS STEW.
- FOR I SWEAR BY THE UNHOLY IMP
THAT SPAWNED YOU,
I WILL RULE THE LAND.
- BUT WHAT DO I GET TO RULE?
[thunder booming]
- SILENCE, TOOTHLESS HAG.
- YOU DON'T HAVE
TO GET PERSONAL.
- UM...
- DARIA!
HOW'S THE SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT
GOING?
- UM, THAT'S WHAT I WANT
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
I'D LIKE NOT TO DO IT.
- OH, NO.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, DARIA?
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE
TO WRITE ANYTHING?
- NO, I'VE WRITTEN
A LOT OF STUFF,
BUT IT'S NOT
UP TO MY STANDARDS.
AND THAT DISTURBS ME,
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE STANDARDS.
- WHAT'S WRONG?
- IT'S THIS IDEA OF USING
PEOPLE I KNOW AS CHARACTERS.
I THINK I MIGHT BE BETTER OFF
WITH A BUNCH OF CHARACTERS
I JUST MADE UP.
- BUT THAT'S THE CHALLENGE
OF THE FICTION WRITER, DARIA:
TO TAKE WHAT WE LEARN
IN REAL LIFE
AND TURN IT INTO SOMETHING
THAT'S NOT REALLY REAL
BUT HAS A REAL LIFE
ALL ITS OWN.
- WELL, THAT SOUNDS GREAT
IN THEORY,
I THINK,
BUT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT
MY CHARACTERS SHOULD BE DOING.
- OKAY,
THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM.
WE'LL ALTER THE ASSIGNMENT
SLIGHTLY.
SOMETIMES BOUNDARIES
CAN PARADOXICALLY PROVIDE US
WITH FREEDOM.
WE'LL SAY IT SHOULD INCLUDE
AN ACTIVITY OF SOME KIND.
LET'S SEE.
A FOREST FIRE?
NO, THAT COULD END
IN TRAGEDY.
SOME KIND
OF ORTHOSCOPIC SURGERY?
NO, THAT CAN GET MESSY.
I KNOW: A GAME OF CARDS.
- A GAME OF CARDS?
- SURE, AND IT CAN BE
ANY CARD GAME YOU WANT.
- GEE, THANKS.
THAT'LL REALLY HELP.
- GLAD TO HEAR IT.
HAVE FUN.
[thunder booming]
- UNHOLY MOTHER,
SISTER OF SATAN,
TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE
IN YOUR FILTHY BREW.
TELL ME WHAT THE MISTS OF TIME
HOLD FOR ME.
- HAVE YOU MY PAYMENT?
THE TENDER LIVER
OF A NEWBORN BABE?
- I'M A LITTLE SHORT
ON LIVERS.
TELL YOU WHAT.
PLAY YOU A QUICK GAME
OF FIVE-CARD STUD FOR IT.
- JACKS WILD.
- DARIA?
DARIA, THE TV'S NOT ON.
- SHH.
I'M WATCHING THIS.
- DARIA, I'M SORRY ABOUT NOT
BEING MORE SENSITIVE EARLIER.
- DOESN'T COMPARING ONE SIBLING
TO ANOTHER
GET YOU AN AUTOMATIC "F"
IN PARENTING 101?
- THERE IS NO PARENTING 101.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
THERE'S NO COURSE
THAT CAN TEACH YOU
TO BE A PERFECT MOTHER.
- THAT'S OBVIOUS.
- DARIA, I APOLOGIZED
FOR NOT HELPING YOU BEFORE.
I'M OFFERING
TO HELP YOU NOW.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
- MY STORY SUCKS.
- WELL, HONEY,
I'M SURE IF YOU JUST GIVE IT
ANOTHER DAY OR TWO...
- EVERYTHING I DO
HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE.
I WANTED TO WRITE
SOMETHING MEANINGFUL.
I CAN'T WRITE
ANYTHING AT ALL.
- MAYBE YOU'RE TRYING
TOO HARD.
MAYBE YOU DON'T HAVE TO WRITE
SOMETHING MEANINGFUL,
JUST SOMETHING HONEST.
- I CAN DO HONEST.
I LOOK AROUND ME.
I DESCRIBE WHAT I SEE.
- HOW ABOUT DESCRIBING WHAT
YOU'D LIKE TO SEE, HONESTLY?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- DARIA, THE EASIEST THING
IN THE WORLD FOR YOU
IS BEING HONEST
ABOUT WHAT YOU OBSERVE.
- AND...
- WHAT'S HARD FOR YOU IS BEING
HONEST ABOUT YOUR WISHES,
ABOUT THE WAY YOU THINK THINGS
SHOULD BE, NOT THE WAY THEY ARE.
YOU GLOSS OVER IT
WITH A CYNICAL JOKE,
AND NOBODY FINDS OUT
WHAT YOU REALLY BELIEVE IN.
- AHA.
SO MY EVIL PLAN IS WORKING.
- IF YOU REALLY WANT
TO BE HONEST,
BE TRUTHFUL
ABOUT WHAT YOU'D LIKE TO HAPPEN.
THERE'S A CHALLENGE.
- WHEN THE HELL DID YOU LEARN
SO MUCH ABOUT ME?
- IT'S A FUNNY THING, DARIA.
YOU GIVE BIRTH TO SOMEONE,
YOU JUST GET AN URGE
TO KEEP TABS ON THEM.
OH, HI, SWEETIE.
- HOW ARE YOU, MOM?
- PRETTY GOOD.
YOU KNOW, EVERY MORNING,
IT'S A LITTLE HARDER
TO GET OUT OF BED.
- FOR ME TOO.
[both chuckle]
- YOUR FATHER,
ON THE OTHER HAND,
SEEMS TO BE GETTING YOUNGER
EVERY DAY.
EVER SINCE HE RETIRED,
HE'S DEVELOPED
SUCH A WONDERFUL PERSPECTIVE.
- WELL, TRIPLE BYPASS SURGERY
WILL DO THAT FOR A MAN.
- HOW'S MARCELLO?
- OH, FIGHTING THE SAME OLD
CURRICULUM BATTLES
AGAINST THE REST
OF THE FACULTY.
AND EACH FALL,
THERE'S A NEW BATCH OF FRESHMEN
TO POTTY TRAIN.
- I ENJOYED YOUR COLUMN
THIS WEEK.
- WE'RE PREACHING
TO THE CONVERTED.
I GET OUTRAGED,
THE READERS GET OUTRAGED,
AND NOTHING HAPPENS.
SOMETIMES I THINK I SHOULD HAVE
GONE INTO TELEVISION.
- [laughs]
YOU IN TELEVISION, DARIA?
- I KNOW.
WHO AM I KIDDING?
- HAS THERE BEEN
ANY FURTHER DISCUSSION
ABOUT EXPANDING
YOUR LITTLE FAMILY?
- MOM, YOU KNOW
I'M NOT READY FOR KIDS.
THE WHOLE IDEA MAKES ME UNEASY,
AND I'M NOT SURE WHY.
[door clicks open]
- GIVE ME THAT!
- NO, IT'S MINE!
- MOMMY!
- OH, YEAH.
NOW I REMEMBER.
- HI.
YOU KNOW
WHERE GRANDMA'S TV IS.
GO WATCH
SOMETHING EDUCATIONAL.
BOY, I'M EXHAUSTED.
- BREAST IMPLANTS
FOR CHICKENS...
both: NOT THAT!
- HOW ARE YOU, QUINN?
- OH, YOU KNOW, ANOTHER DAY,
ANOTHER BABY.
[laughter]
I SWEAR, ONE OF THESE DAYS,
I'M GONNA SLIP SOMETHING
INTO JAMIE'S BEER,
AND WHILE HE'S UNCONSCIOUS,
I'M GONNA GO OUT
AND GET MY TUBES TIED.
- BETTER YET, HIS TUBES.
[laughter]
- HOW'S DAD?
AND WHAT'S HE WANT?
- I'M GREAT.
GOO-GOO.
- [cries]
- AH, SORRY.
YOU KNOW, GIRLS,
I WAS GOING OVER MY WILL...
- NOT AGAIN.
- DADDY, WHY ARE YOU
SO MORBID?
- THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I ASKED HIM.
- BUT I LIKE
GOING OVER MY WILL.
IT'S GOT ALL THAT MONEY!
- DAD, YOU REVISED YOUR WILL
TWO WEEKS AGO
WHEN YOU DISCOVERED YOUR OLD
GUM WRAPPER CHAIN IN THE ATTIC.
- THE KIDS
ARE GONNA LOVE THAT.
ANYWAY, WHO SAID ANYTHING
ABOUT REVISING MY WILL?
- SO WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?
- WELL, I WAS READING MY WILL,
THINKING ABOUT THE PAST
AND THE FUTURE,
AND IT OCCURRED TO ME
THAT YOU GIRLS HAVE TURNED OUT
EXACTLY THE WAY I HOPED.
- COME ON.
- DARIA, EVERY WEEK,
YOU WRITE THAT COLUMN OF YOURS,
TRYING TO WAKE PEOPLE UP
TO THE TRUTH.
MY DAUGHTER,
THE CRUSADER.
- WELL, THERE IS SOME PLEASURE
IN WINNING AWARDS
FOR SAYING THE SAME THINGS
THAT MADE ME AN OUTCAST
IN HIGH SCHOOL.
- AND, QUINN, YOU'VE TAKEN
ALL THAT ENERGY AND ENTHUSIASM
YOU USED TO DIRECT
TOWARD BEING, UM,
A TEENSY BIT SELF-ABSORBED...
- OH, DADDY, I WAS
A STUCK-UP LITTLE NIGHTMARE.
- AND PUT IT ALL
INTO BRINGING UP THOSE KIDS.
- AND THAT'S NO EASY TASK.
BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.
- HOW COME YOU NEVER COMPLAIN
ABOUT THOSE LITTLE MONSTERS
OF YOURS, QUINN?
- UM, I LIKE THEM, DADDY.
- I'M STILL NOT CLEAR
ON WHAT ALL THIS IS ABOUT.
- WELL, I WAS HAVING SO MUCH FUN
REMINISCING, I THOUGHT, HEY!
[coughs]
WHY DON'T WE GET TOGETHER
FOR A FAMILY CARD GAME
JUST LIKE WE USED TO?
- FAMILY CARD GAME?
- WE NEVER PLAYED
A FAMILY CARD GAME IN OUR LIVES.
- DARIA'S RIGHT.
- OH, DO I HEAR THAT.
I REMEMBER ASKING MY FATHER
TO PLAY "GO FISH"!
- TRIPLE BYPASS, DAD.
- OKAY, I'M ALL RIGHT.
ANYWAY, SO SCREW IT, THEN.
WE NEVER PLAYED
A FAMILY CARD GAME.
LET'S PLAY ONE NOW.
BRIDGE?
- GIN.
- HEARTS.
- DONE.
- OKAY.
I'M GONNA PLAY A GAME OF HEARTS
WITH MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE
AND MY TWO GREAT KIDS.
- OH, JAKE.
- HOW ABOUT IT, DARIA?
HEARTS?
- DEAL ME IN.
IT'S NOT VERY GOOD, IS IT?
- [tearfully] OH, DARIA...
- IT WASN'T THAT BAD.
STOP. STOP!
THIS ISN'T A STORY.
IT'S REAL LIFE.
- WOW, SO YOUR STORY
MADE YOUR MOTHER CRY?
- OUT OF HAPPINESS.
THAT'S THE SICK PART.
- AND RUN THE REASON
BY ME AGAIN.
- SHE TOOK IT AS EVIDENCE
THAT I'M SECRETLY
NOT AS ALIENATED AS I SEEM
OR SOMETHING.
IT'LL TAKE ME YEARS
TO UNDO THE DAMAGE.
- SO YOU GONNA SHOW IT
TO O'NEILL?
- I HAVE NO CHOICE.
BUT IF HE CRIES TOO,
I'M DROPPING OUT OF SCHOOL.
- WOW.
WELL, LISTEN,
NOW THAT YOU'VE GOT
SUCH A GREAT ATTITUDE
AND EVERYTHING,
CAN I HAVE YOUR BOOTS?
- YEAH.
TURN AROUND, AND I'LL
GIVE YOU ONE RIGHT NOW.
- DARIA, DO YOU THINK SOMEDAY,
I CAN READ YOUR STORY?
- NO.
BUT YOU CAN READ THE ONE
WHERE YOU RUN AWAY WITH KEVIN.
- WHAT?
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
- HEY, KIDDO!
GUESS YOU'RE WONDERING
WHAT OLD DAD IS UP TO
WITH THE BIG STEW POT.
- GUESS AGAIN.
- DARIA, I WOKE UP
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
WITH A HANKERING.
I SUDDENLY REMEMBERED
THE OLD KITCHEN SINK STEW
THEY USED TO SERVE US
AT THE MILITARY ACADEMY.
YOU KNOW
WHY THEY CALLED IT THAT?
- BECAUSE THEY PUT IN EVERYTHING
BUT THE KITCHEN SINK.
- BECAUSE THEY PUT IN EVERYTHING
BUT THE KITCHEN SINK.
HMM, LET'S SEE...
SOUP STOCK, PEPPERCORNS,
OREGANO, CHILIES...
[screams]
OH, GOD!
- WHY IS YOUR FATHER...
- DON'T ASK.
- READING SOMETHING?
- YES.
- MAY I ASK WHAT IT IS?
- IT'S A BOOK.
FOR SCHOOL.
ABOUT HOW FICTION SHOULD DO MORE
THAN JUST ENTERTAIN.
- THAT SOUNDS INTERESTING.
- YEAH.
A WRITER WRITING A BOOK
ABOUT HOW WRITERS
SHOULD WRITE BOOKS.
MUST HAVE BEEN A HUGE SELLER.
- [screams]
- WELL...
ANYTHING ELSE GOING ON
IN SCHOOL?
- LET'S SEE.
NOBODY TALKED TO ME AGAIN
THIS WEEK,
I WASN'T INVITED TO ANY PARTIES
FOR THE WEEKEND,
AND I THINK I'M GETTING
ONE OF THOSE
REALLY PAINFUL COLD SORES.
SO ALL IN ALL,
ANOTHER GREAT WEEK.
- OH, DARIA.
- HELEN! HELEN!
WHAT'S THE NUMBER FOR 911?
- DARIA, DO YOU HAVE TO LOOK
AT EVERYTHING
IN SUCH A NEGATIVE LIGHT?
- COULD YOU POSSIBLY
BE REFERRING
TO THE HARSH LIGHT
OF REALITY?
- TIFFANY SAYS A COLD FRONT
IS COMING THROUGH.
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY REALLY CUTE
FUZZY PINK SWEATER?
AND IF I CAN'T FIND IT,
CAN I BUY ANOTHER ONE?
THANKS.
- DARIA...
- DON'T BOTHER.
- MY TONGUE!
DEAR GOD, IT'S BLACK!
HELEN!
- BE RIGHT THERE, JAKE.
- SO WHAT GARDNER
IS TELLING US
IS THAT THE WRITER OF FICTION
HAS A DUTY
THAT GOES BEYOND
THE MERE TELLING OF A STORY.
HIS OR HER JOB IS TO TELL
A STORY IN SUCH A WAY
AS TO LEAVE THE READER...
WHAT, KEVIN?
- SCREAMING FOR MORE
FULL-CONTACT
MARTIAL ARTS EXCITEMENT?
- DARIA?
- I BELIEVE MR. GARDNER FEELS
IT'S THE WRITER'S DUTY
TO STEER THE READER
TOWARD MORE CONSCIENTIOUS
BEHAVIOR,
NO MATTER HOW DULL
THAT MAKES THE STORY.
- [sighs] VERY GOOD, DARIA.
NOW, KEEPING THAT IN MIND,
I WANT YOU EACH TO SELECT A BOOK
FROM THE LIST IN FRONT OF YOU
FOR A REPORT
ON ITS MORAL INTENTION.
YES, KEVIN?
- PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS
HOUSES SHOULDN'T THROW STONES.
I GOT ONE, BABE.
I GOT ONE!
- [sobs]
- EXCUSE ME.
- YES, DARIA?
- THIS LIST OF BOOKS,
I'VE READ ALL OF THEM.
- OH, NO.
UM, WOULD YOU LIKE TO PICK
ANOTHER BOOK TO READ, THEN?
- I GUESS.
- WAIT!
BRAINSTORM.
INSTEAD OF TRYING
TO READ A STORY
FOR ITS MORAL DIMENSIONS,
WHAT IF YOU WROTE A STORY
WITH MORAL DIMENSIONS?
- UM...
- A SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT, DARIA,
JUST FOR YOU.
- I DON'T KNOW.
WHO WOULD I WRITE ABOUT?
WHAT WOULD THEY DO?
- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
WRITE A STORY
TAKING PEOPLE YOU KNOW
IN REAL LIFE
AND TURNING THEM
INTO FICTIONAL CHARACTERS?
- I WONDER IF ANYONE
WOULD NOTICE A DIFFERENCE.
- SO HOW'S THE STORY COMING?
OR DOES IT DISTURB YOU
IF I TALK WHILE YOU'RE WRITING?
- IT WOULD DISTURB ME IF I WERE
ACTUALLY DOING ANY WRITING.
- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
TAKE PEOPLE YOU KNOW AND HAVE
THEM DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
I'D MAKE THEM CRAWL,
I TELL YOU.
CRAWL!
- EASY, TIGER.
- WHO ARE YOU GONNA
WRITE ABOUT?
- I HAVEN'T A CLUE.
- HMM...
HOW ABOUT KEVIN AND BRITTANY?
YOU COULD WRITE
A THRILLING ROMANCE
LEADING UP TO THEIR
STORYBOOK WEDDING.
- YOU NEED TO START
WEARING A HAT
WHEN YOU GO OUT IN THE SUN.
- BOY, WOULD I LIKE
TO BE THERE
WHEN THOSE TWO
TIE THE NOOSE.
[Wedding March playing]
- AND DO YOU, KEVIN,
TAKE THIS PULCHRITUDINOUS WOMAN
TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE?
- KEVIN!
- I, UH...
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
- I SAID DO YOU, KEVIN,
ASSUME LEGAL RESPONSIBILITY
FOR THIS OVERRIPE SPECIMEN
OF FEMALE-HOOD
STANDING NEXT TO YOU?
THE ONE IN WHITE, SON!
- KEVIN!
KEVIN!
- WELL?
- ANSWER HIM, KEVIE.
- UM...
- KEVIN!
- JANE!
[upbeat acoustic music]
♪ ♪
- AH...
BRITTANY.
PLEASE ACCEPT MY CONDOLENCES
ON THE UNFORTUNATE WAY
THE BIGGEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE
HAS TURNED OUT.
- YES!
♪ ♪
- DARIA?
DARIA?
WHAT ABOUT THEIR WEDDING?
WOULDN'T THAT BE FUNNY
TO WRITE ABOUT?
- WHAT?
UH, NO.
I DON'T KNOW.
- OKAY.
- I MEAN, IF I WERE GONNA WRITE
ABOUT MATING RITUALS,
I THINK I'D GO BACK
A COUPLE HUNDRED YEARS
WHEN WOMEN EITHER MARRIED
OR SHRIVELED UP AND BLEW AWAY.
- INSTEAD OF MARRYING
AND THEN SHRIVELING UP,
LIKE THEY DO NOW?
- MR. LANE LEFT HIS CARD
YESTERDAY.
MOTHER SAID HE APPEARED
MOST ANXIOUS TO CALL UPON YOU.
- I CANNOT IMAGINE WHAT FOR.
MR. LANE'S TEMPERAMENT,
OUTLOOK,
INDEED HIS VERY MANNERS
ARE SUCH AS TO AROUSE BEMUSEMENT
RATHER THAN ENDEARMENT
IN THE OBJECT OF HIS ATTENTIONS.
- HUH?
- HE'S FLAKY.
- FLAKY THOUGH HE MAY BE,
ONE DAY, ALL OF DEVONHEAVENSHIRE
WILL BE HIS,
HIS TO SHARE WITH WHOSOEVER
IS LUCKY ENOUGH
TO BECOME LADY LANE.
- DEAR SISTER,
I WOULD HOPE
THAT WHOEVER
DOES BECOME LADY LANE
DOES SO OUT OF REGARD
FOR MR. LANE
AND NOT FOR HIS ESTATE.
- WHAT ABOUT HIS CAR?
- HMM.
- BUT LOOK!
HERE APPROACHES
MR. LANE HIMSELF,
ALONG WITH HIS SISTER'S
ADMIRER, MR. MORENO.
- GOOD MORNING,
MISS MORGENDORFFER, MISS QUINN.
I PRAY THE DAY
FINDS YOU WELL.
- YEAH.
- AND A GOOD MORNING
TO YOU, SIRS.
- INDEED, IT PROMISES
TO BE A GLORIOUS MORNING
AND ONE TO GLADDEN
THE STONIEST OF HEARTS.
- YEAH.
- LET US HOPE SO, INDEED,
FOR NOTHING SO RECOMMENDS
THIS WORLD
AS THE PROMISE WITH WHICH
IT OFFERS UP EACH GENTLE DAY.
- AND, PRAY,
UPON THIS DEWY MORNING,
WHAT ERRAND IS IT
THAT FINDS YOU GUYS ABROAD?
- ERRAND WE HAVE NONE.
BUT WITH ANY LUCK,
WE SHALL HAVE SPORT.
WE AWAIT THE OTHER MEMBERS
OF OUR HUNTING PARTY,
AND I BELIEVE
I GLIMPSE THEM NOW.
- GOOD CHEER,
MISS MORGENDORFFER.
- GOOD DAY, QUINN.
- MY, WHAT MILD WEATHER.
Both: GOOD DAY.
- MISS QUINN, MAY I GET YOU
A BRACING SPOT OF TEA?
- DO YOU NEED A POWDER
TO CURE THE VAPORS?
- I'LL TUNE YOUR PIANOFORTE.
- OH, QUINN, YOUR SUITORS
ARE SO NUMEROUS
BECAUSE YOU ARE SO FAIR
AND GOOD.
- OH, SISTER,
YOUR WIT AND JUDGMENT
ASSURE THAT YOU WILL MARRY
NOT ONLY WELL BUT WISELY.
- DID SHE SAY "MARRY"?
- YEAH.
- OH, WELL.
- I REALLY SUCK AT THIS.
- NO.
NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE.
OH, MY GOD,
WHAT HAS YOUR FATHER DONE NOW?
JAKE!
DARIA?
- HUH?
- IS SOMETHING WRONG?
- WRONG?
UH, NO.
I'M THINKING ABOUT AN ASSIGNMENT
I GOT IN SCHOOL.
- ANYTHING I CAN HELP WITH?
- NO.
[sighs]
I'M SUPPOSED TO WRITE A STORY
USING PEOPLE I KNOW
AS FICTIONAL CHARACTERS.
- REALLY?
THAT SOUNDS FASCINATING.
- NOT SO FAR.
EVERYTHING I WRITE
COMES OUT BAD.
I HAVE NO STORY.
- OH, I'M SURE...
[phone rings]
HANG ON A SECOND, DARIA.
HELLO?
NO, THAT'S NOT A COUNTEROFFER.
IT'S AN INSULT.
I WILL TALK TO YOU TOMORROW
DURING OFFICE HOURS.
GOOD-BYE!
OKAY, NOW, WHAT ARE
THE OTHER STUDENTS WRITING?
- THEY'RE NOT.
THIS IS AN EXTRA ASSIGNMENT
JUST FOR ME.
- OH.
- A PUNISHMENT
FOR BEING SMART.
- NOW, COME ON, DARIA,
I'M SURE YOU'LL DO A GREAT JOB
IF YOU JUST PUT YOUR MIND TO IT.
- YOU ARE VERY, VERY WRONG.
- SURE, YOU WILL.
ALL YOU... [phone rings]
YES?
TOMORROW!
DURING OFFICE HOURS.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS GET OFF YOUR TOKUS
AND DO IT.
WHEN QUINN HAS A CHALLENGE...
- QUINN?
ALL HER CHALLENGES
INVOLVE COORDINATING HER SHOES
WITH THE COLOR
OF HER DATE'S EYES.
- DARIA, WHAT I MEAN IS...
- HOW CAN YOU TALK TO ME
ABOUT QUINN?
SHE'LL NEVER HAVE
THIS KIND OF PROBLEM.
IT INVOLVES THINKING.
YOU MAKE ME TELL YOU
WHAT'S WRONG, IN BETWEEN CALLS,
AND THEN YOU BRING UP QUINN?
DON'T YOU KNOW ME AT ALL?
- GOOD ONE, MORGENDORFFER.
[phone rings]
DAMN!
[psychedelic rock music]
- MAN, WHAT A GOOD DAY
TO JUST KICK BACK AND CHILL.
- YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.
- CAN'T STOP TO TALK.
A BIG PARTY AT STACY'S
IN FOUR HOURS.
GOT TO DRESS.
- QUINN, DON'T YOU THINK
YOU'VE TAKEN THIS
POPULARITY THING TOO FAR?
- HUH?
- THIS WELL-LIKED TEEN CRAP.
DON'T YOU HAVE ANY DEPTH AT ALL?
- WHY CAN'T YOU BE
MORE LIKE DARIA?
- OH, HEY, DARIA.
- UM, DO YOU WANT
TO TALK TO QUINN ALONE?
- NO, SWEETIE.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
WE WERE JUST TELLING HER
HOW WE WISH
SHE'D BE MORE LIKE YOU.
- AGAIN.
- WELL, NOT EVERYONE
CAN HAVE THE SAME...
- DON'T YOU THINK I WANT
TO BE MORE LIKE DARIA?
DON'T YOU THINK I WOULD
IF I COULD?
GOD, MOM AND DAD,
WHY WON'T YOU ACCEPT IT?
I'LL NEVER BE LIKE DARIA.
THAT'S MY CURSE
AND MY BURDEN.
I KNOW IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT,
BUT LOOK WHAT YOUR PERFECTION
HAS DONE TO ME.
[cries]
- SHOULDN'T WE COMFORT HER
OR SOMETHING?
- [laughs] OH, LET HER GO.
- SHE'LL GET OVER IT.
- WE SHOULD AT LEAST TELL HER
ABOUT THAT EIGHT-LANE HIGHWAY
THEY BUILT OUTSIDE THE HOUSE
DURING THE NIGHT.
- HMM, YOU MAY BE RIGHT.
[horns honk and tires screech]
[loud crash]
- THAT CAN'T BE GOOD.
[loud crash]
- OW!
GOD!
- ANOTHER MASTERPIECE.
SO IT TURNS OUT THAT MY LIFE
UP TO NOW HAS BEEN A SHAM.
I CAN'T WRITE.
I CAN'T PRODUCE
A SIMPLE STORY.
- WOW, DARIA.
I NEVER FIGURED YOU
FOR A LACK OF IMAGINATION.
- I HAVE IMAGINATION.
I CAN COME UP
WITH ALL SORTS OF IDEAS,
BUT NONE OF THEM FEELS TRUE.
- WELL, WHAT'S YOUR DEFINITION
OF "TRUE"?
- SOMETHING
THAT SAYS SOMETHING.
- WHAT? ANYTHING?
- NO, SOMETHING.
ABOUT SOMETHING.
- LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
YOU'RE TELLING ME
YOU WANT TO WRITE SOMETHING,
NOT JUST ANYTHING,
THAT SAYS SOMETHING
ABOUT SOMETHING.
- RIGHT.
- GEE, WHO'D EVER BELIEVE
YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE
COMMUNICATING?
[knock on door]
- WHOM SHALL I SAY IS CALLING?
- DARIA, IS THERE ANYTHING
YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT?
- NO, THANK YOU.
- ARE YOU SURE, SWEETIE?
- I NEED SOME TIME ALONE
TO WORK OUT MY FEELINGS.
- DARIA!
- OR DO A CROSSWORD.
- DARIA...
- GAH, HELEN!
MY STEW!
THE STOVE'S ON FIRE!
- OH, FOR THE LOVE OF...
[groovy bass music]
♪ ♪
[thunder booming]
- UNHOLY MOTHER,
SISTER OF SATAN,
TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE
IN YOUR FILTHY BREW.
SAY WHAT THE MISTS OF TIME
HOLD FOR ME.
- HAVE YOU MY PAYMENT?
THE TENDER LIVER
OF A NEWBORN BABE.
- I, UM, WAS IN A RUSH.
WILL YOU TAKE A CHECK?
- A CHECK?
HAVE YOU TWO FORMS OF I.D.?
- TELL ME
YOU CAN BRING ME POWER!
POWER TO CRUSH MY ENEMIES,
TO TRIUMPH OVER ALL!
- YES, I CAN BRING YOU
THIS POWER.
BUT WHY SHOULD MEN
GET ALL THE GOOD JOBS?
[thunder booming]
- TELL ME
YOU CAN BRING ME POWER,
POWER TO CRUSH MY ENEMIES,
TO TRIUMPH OVER ALL!
-I CAN'T WAIT
TO TASTE THIS STEW.
- FOR I SWEAR BY THE UNHOLY IMP
THAT SPAWNED YOU,
I WILL RULE THE LAND.
- BUT WHAT DO I GET TO RULE?
[thunder booming]
- SILENCE, TOOTHLESS HAG.
- YOU DON'T HAVE
TO GET PERSONAL.
- UM...
- DARIA!
HOW'S THE SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT
GOING?
- UM, THAT'S WHAT I WANT
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
I'D LIKE NOT TO DO IT.
- OH, NO.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, DARIA?
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE
TO WRITE ANYTHING?
- NO, I'VE WRITTEN
A LOT OF STUFF,
BUT IT'S NOT
UP TO MY STANDARDS.
AND THAT DISTURBS ME,
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE STANDARDS.
- WHAT'S WRONG?
- IT'S THIS IDEA OF USING
PEOPLE I KNOW AS CHARACTERS.
I THINK I MIGHT BE BETTER OFF
WITH A BUNCH OF CHARACTERS
I JUST MADE UP.
- BUT THAT'S THE CHALLENGE
OF THE FICTION WRITER, DARIA:
TO TAKE WHAT WE LEARN
IN REAL LIFE
AND TURN IT INTO SOMETHING
THAT'S NOT REALLY REAL
BUT HAS A REAL LIFE
ALL ITS OWN.
- WELL, THAT SOUNDS GREAT
IN THEORY,
I THINK,
BUT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT
MY CHARACTERS SHOULD BE DOING.
- OKAY,
THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM.
WE'LL ALTER THE ASSIGNMENT
SLIGHTLY.
SOMETIMES BOUNDARIES
CAN PARADOXICALLY PROVIDE US
WITH FREEDOM.
WE'LL SAY IT SHOULD INCLUDE
AN ACTIVITY OF SOME KIND.
LET'S SEE.
A FOREST FIRE?
NO, THAT COULD END
IN TRAGEDY.
SOME KIND
OF ORTHOSCOPIC SURGERY?
NO, THAT CAN GET MESSY.
I KNOW: A GAME OF CARDS.
- A GAME OF CARDS?
- SURE, AND IT CAN BE
ANY CARD GAME YOU WANT.
- GEE, THANKS.
THAT'LL REALLY HELP.
- GLAD TO HEAR IT.
HAVE FUN.
[thunder booming]
- UNHOLY MOTHER,
SISTER OF SATAN,
TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE
IN YOUR FILTHY BREW.
TELL ME WHAT THE MISTS OF TIME
HOLD FOR ME.
- HAVE YOU MY PAYMENT?
THE TENDER LIVER
OF A NEWBORN BABE?
- I'M A LITTLE SHORT
ON LIVERS.
TELL YOU WHAT.
PLAY YOU A QUICK GAME
OF FIVE-CARD STUD FOR IT.
- JACKS WILD.
- DARIA?
DARIA, THE TV'S NOT ON.
- SHH.
I'M WATCHING THIS.
- DARIA, I'M SORRY ABOUT NOT
BEING MORE SENSITIVE EARLIER.
- DOESN'T COMPARING ONE SIBLING
TO ANOTHER
GET YOU AN AUTOMATIC "F"
IN PARENTING 101?
- THERE IS NO PARENTING 101.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
THERE'S NO COURSE
THAT CAN TEACH YOU
TO BE A PERFECT MOTHER.
- THAT'S OBVIOUS.
- DARIA, I APOLOGIZED
FOR NOT HELPING YOU BEFORE.
I'M OFFERING
TO HELP YOU NOW.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
- MY STORY SUCKS.
- WELL, HONEY,
I'M SURE IF YOU JUST GIVE IT
ANOTHER DAY OR TWO...
- EVERYTHING I DO
HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE.
I WANTED TO WRITE
SOMETHING MEANINGFUL.
I CAN'T WRITE
ANYTHING AT ALL.
- MAYBE YOU'RE TRYING
TOO HARD.
MAYBE YOU DON'T HAVE TO WRITE
SOMETHING MEANINGFUL,
JUST SOMETHING HONEST.
- I CAN DO HONEST.
I LOOK AROUND ME.
I DESCRIBE WHAT I SEE.
- HOW ABOUT DESCRIBING WHAT
YOU'D LIKE TO SEE, HONESTLY?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- DARIA, THE EASIEST THING
IN THE WORLD FOR YOU
IS BEING HONEST
ABOUT WHAT YOU OBSERVE.
- AND...
- WHAT'S HARD FOR YOU IS BEING
HONEST ABOUT YOUR WISHES,
ABOUT THE WAY YOU THINK THINGS
SHOULD BE, NOT THE WAY THEY ARE.
YOU GLOSS OVER IT
WITH A CYNICAL JOKE,
AND NOBODY FINDS OUT
WHAT YOU REALLY BELIEVE IN.
- AHA.
SO MY EVIL PLAN IS WORKING.
- IF YOU REALLY WANT
TO BE HONEST,
BE TRUTHFUL
ABOUT WHAT YOU'D LIKE TO HAPPEN.
THERE'S A CHALLENGE.
- WHEN THE HELL DID YOU LEARN
SO MUCH ABOUT ME?
- IT'S A FUNNY THING, DARIA.
YOU GIVE BIRTH TO SOMEONE,
YOU JUST GET AN URGE
TO KEEP TABS ON THEM.
OH, HI, SWEETIE.
- HOW ARE YOU, MOM?
- PRETTY GOOD.
YOU KNOW, EVERY MORNING,
IT'S A LITTLE HARDER
TO GET OUT OF BED.
- FOR ME TOO.
[both chuckle]
- YOUR FATHER,
ON THE OTHER HAND,
SEEMS TO BE GETTING YOUNGER
EVERY DAY.
EVER SINCE HE RETIRED,
HE'S DEVELOPED
SUCH A WONDERFUL PERSPECTIVE.
- WELL, TRIPLE BYPASS SURGERY
WILL DO THAT FOR A MAN.
- HOW'S MARCELLO?
- OH, FIGHTING THE SAME OLD
CURRICULUM BATTLES
AGAINST THE REST
OF THE FACULTY.
AND EACH FALL,
THERE'S A NEW BATCH OF FRESHMEN
TO POTTY TRAIN.
- I ENJOYED YOUR COLUMN
THIS WEEK.
- WE'RE PREACHING
TO THE CONVERTED.
I GET OUTRAGED,
THE READERS GET OUTRAGED,
AND NOTHING HAPPENS.
SOMETIMES I THINK I SHOULD HAVE
GONE INTO TELEVISION.
- [laughs]
YOU IN TELEVISION, DARIA?
- I KNOW.
WHO AM I KIDDING?
- HAS THERE BEEN
ANY FURTHER DISCUSSION
ABOUT EXPANDING
YOUR LITTLE FAMILY?
- MOM, YOU KNOW
I'M NOT READY FOR KIDS.
THE WHOLE IDEA MAKES ME UNEASY,
AND I'M NOT SURE WHY.
[door clicks open]
- GIVE ME THAT!
- NO, IT'S MINE!
- MOMMY!
- OH, YEAH.
NOW I REMEMBER.
- HI.
YOU KNOW
WHERE GRANDMA'S TV IS.
GO WATCH
SOMETHING EDUCATIONAL.
BOY, I'M EXHAUSTED.
- BREAST IMPLANTS
FOR CHICKENS...
both: NOT THAT!
- HOW ARE YOU, QUINN?
- OH, YOU KNOW, ANOTHER DAY,
ANOTHER BABY.
[laughter]
I SWEAR, ONE OF THESE DAYS,
I'M GONNA SLIP SOMETHING
INTO JAMIE'S BEER,
AND WHILE HE'S UNCONSCIOUS,
I'M GONNA GO OUT
AND GET MY TUBES TIED.
- BETTER YET, HIS TUBES.
[laughter]
- HOW'S DAD?
AND WHAT'S HE WANT?
- I'M GREAT.
GOO-GOO.
- [cries]
- AH, SORRY.
YOU KNOW, GIRLS,
I WAS GOING OVER MY WILL...
- NOT AGAIN.
- DADDY, WHY ARE YOU
SO MORBID?
- THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I ASKED HIM.
- BUT I LIKE
GOING OVER MY WILL.
IT'S GOT ALL THAT MONEY!
- DAD, YOU REVISED YOUR WILL
TWO WEEKS AGO
WHEN YOU DISCOVERED YOUR OLD
GUM WRAPPER CHAIN IN THE ATTIC.
- THE KIDS
ARE GONNA LOVE THAT.
ANYWAY, WHO SAID ANYTHING
ABOUT REVISING MY WILL?
- SO WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?
- WELL, I WAS READING MY WILL,
THINKING ABOUT THE PAST
AND THE FUTURE,
AND IT OCCURRED TO ME
THAT YOU GIRLS HAVE TURNED OUT
EXACTLY THE WAY I HOPED.
- COME ON.
- DARIA, EVERY WEEK,
YOU WRITE THAT COLUMN OF YOURS,
TRYING TO WAKE PEOPLE UP
TO THE TRUTH.
MY DAUGHTER,
THE CRUSADER.
- WELL, THERE IS SOME PLEASURE
IN WINNING AWARDS
FOR SAYING THE SAME THINGS
THAT MADE ME AN OUTCAST
IN HIGH SCHOOL.
- AND, QUINN, YOU'VE TAKEN
ALL THAT ENERGY AND ENTHUSIASM
YOU USED TO DIRECT
TOWARD BEING, UM,
A TEENSY BIT SELF-ABSORBED...
- OH, DADDY, I WAS
A STUCK-UP LITTLE NIGHTMARE.
- AND PUT IT ALL
INTO BRINGING UP THOSE KIDS.
- AND THAT'S NO EASY TASK.
BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.
- HOW COME YOU NEVER COMPLAIN
ABOUT THOSE LITTLE MONSTERS
OF YOURS, QUINN?
- UM, I LIKE THEM, DADDY.
- I'M STILL NOT CLEAR
ON WHAT ALL THIS IS ABOUT.
- WELL, I WAS HAVING SO MUCH FUN
REMINISCING, I THOUGHT, HEY!
[coughs]
WHY DON'T WE GET TOGETHER
FOR A FAMILY CARD GAME
JUST LIKE WE USED TO?
- FAMILY CARD GAME?
- WE NEVER PLAYED
A FAMILY CARD GAME IN OUR LIVES.
- DARIA'S RIGHT.
- OH, DO I HEAR THAT.
I REMEMBER ASKING MY FATHER
TO PLAY "GO FISH"!
- TRIPLE BYPASS, DAD.
- OKAY, I'M ALL RIGHT.
ANYWAY, SO SCREW IT, THEN.
WE NEVER PLAYED
A FAMILY CARD GAME.
LET'S PLAY ONE NOW.
BRIDGE?
- GIN.
- HEARTS.
- DONE.
- OKAY.
I'M GONNA PLAY A GAME OF HEARTS
WITH MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE
AND MY TWO GREAT KIDS.
- OH, JAKE.
- HOW ABOUT IT, DARIA?
HEARTS?
- DEAL ME IN.
IT'S NOT VERY GOOD, IS IT?
- [tearfully] OH, DARIA...
- IT WASN'T THAT BAD.
STOP. STOP!
THIS ISN'T A STORY.
IT'S REAL LIFE.
- WOW, SO YOUR STORY
MADE YOUR MOTHER CRY?
- OUT OF HAPPINESS.
THAT'S THE SICK PART.
- AND RUN THE REASON
BY ME AGAIN.
- SHE TOOK IT AS EVIDENCE
THAT I'M SECRETLY
NOT AS ALIENATED AS I SEEM
OR SOMETHING.
IT'LL TAKE ME YEARS
TO UNDO THE DAMAGE.
- SO YOU GONNA SHOW IT
TO O'NEILL?
- I HAVE NO CHOICE.
BUT IF HE CRIES TOO,
I'M DROPPING OUT OF SCHOOL.
- WOW.
WELL, LISTEN,
NOW THAT YOU'VE GOT
SUCH A GREAT ATTITUDE
AND EVERYTHING,
CAN I HAVE YOUR BOOTS?
- YEAH.
TURN AROUND, AND I'LL
GIVE YOU ONE RIGHT NOW.
- DARIA, DO YOU THINK SOMEDAY,
I CAN READ YOUR STORY?
- NO.
BUT YOU CAN READ THE ONE
WHERE YOU RUN AWAY WITH KEVIN.
- WHAT?
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪