Daria (1997–2001): Season 2, Episode 10 - Fair Enough - full transcript
Hear ye, hear ye. Lawndale High is hosting a Renaissance Fair. See Quinn cast as the lead in a play. See Mr. DeMartino as the Black Knight. See Daria try to escape.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
[thunder booming]
- WOW, LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
I WONDER WHAT IT IS.
- I THINK
IT'S THE LIBRARY, BABE.
[both moaning]
- OUCH!
[rain pattering]
[roof cracking]
- I COULD HAVE SWORN I HAD
MONEY BUDGETED FOR A NEW ROOF
UNDER "CAPITAL IMPROVEMENTS."
- OH, WELL,
EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES.
- IS THAT A POLYGRAPH MACHINE?
- YES, OH,
I WON IT IN A RAFFLE.
- I DON'T KNOW WHERE
WE'RE GOING TO GET
THE MONEY FOR REPAIRS:
A FUND-RAISER, I GUESS,
BOOGIE-BASH '70s REVIVAL NIGHT?
- WE CAN'T.
SOMEONE STOLE THE DISCO BALL.
NO, WE'LL HAVE TO COME UP
WITH SOMETHING
THAT TRULY CAPTURES
THE SPIRIT OF STUDENT LIFE
AT LAWNDALE HIGH.
[bell ringing]
- NOW, WHY DO YOU THINK IT IS
THAT TOLSTOY FELT
HE HAD TO MAKE WAR AND PEACE
SO DARNED UNPLEASANT, DARIA?
- SO NO ONE WOULD PESTER HIM
TO DO A SEQUEL?
- HMM.
- GOOD MORNING, YOUNG PEOPLE.
I HAVE A VERY SAD ANNOUNCEMENT.
THE LIBRARY WILL BE CLOSED
UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.
- GREAT, THERE GOES THE ONLY
PLACE I CAN GO TO BE ALONE.
- OH, YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE.
- TO RAISE MONEY FOR REPAIRS,
THE SCHOOL WILL BE PRESENTING
A MEDIEVAL FAIR
SIMULATING LIFE
IN THE MIDDLE AGES.
- YEAH.
- VOLUNTEERS
ARE DESPERATELY NEEDED.
THOSE WHO REFUSE TO VOLUNTEER
MUST VOLUNTARILY PURCHASE
A TICKET FOR $10
OR VOLUNTARILY FACE SUSPENSION.
HAVE A NICE DAY.
- THAT MAY BE THE STUPIDEST
THING I'VE EVER HEARD OF.
- I KNOW.
WE'VE GOT TO GO.
[bell ringing]
- BABE, THIS IS
VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.
THE CADBURY TALES
ARE, LIKE, CLASSIC,
AND I THINK I'D BE GREAT
IN THE PLAY.
JUST DO THE AUDITION WITH ME.
- OH, BABE.
- BECAUSE NOBODY PLAYS
A LOVE SCENE LIKE YOU, KEVVY.
- OOOH.
- NOW, GO PRACTICE.
- YES, MA'AM, BREAK.
- YOUR LINES!
- WOW, WHERE'S HE GOING?
- WE'RE GONNA BE IN A PLAY
TOGETHER AT THE MEDIEVAL FAIR.
- OH, THAT'S NICE.
- WE'LL BE
THE MOST POPULAR ONES THERE.
- SO I THOUGHT,
IF I HAVE TO VOLUNTEER ANYWAY,
I MIGHT AS WELL DO SOMETHING
THAT CHALLENGES ME AS A TEEN
AND MAYBE BRING SOME JOY
INTO THE DRAB LIVES OF OTHERS
WHO ARE LESS POPULAR,
SO THEY'RE GONNA
HAVE THIS DINNER THEATER
WITH A PLAY BY THIS GUY,
KEN BARRY,
AND I'M GONNA AUDITION
FOR EMILY,
THE REALLY CUTE SISTER.
"PRESERVE ME
FROM THE VENGEANCE"...
- THAT'S GREAT, HONEY.
DARIA, WHAT WILL YOU BE DOING
AT THE FAIR?
- ADMIRING IT FROM
THE SAFE DISTANCE OF MY ROOM.
- DARIA, THIS FAIR
IS FOR A VERY GOOD CAUSE.
EVERYONE SHOULD GO.
- ARE YOU GOING?
- THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.
- I MEANT EVERY STUDENT.
- BUT WHAT IF MERYL STREEP
HERE GETS THE PART?
NOTHING SAYS SUPPORT
LIKE YOU AND DAD LEADING
A ROUSING CHEER
FROM THE FOOTLIGHTS.
- [gasps]
- AND JUST THINK
OF THE DELICIOUS DINNER.
- HUH?
DARN IT.
- SHOULD WE TRY OUT
FOR THE PLAY?
WE MIGHT GET ON A POSTER.
- I DON'T THINK THE FASHION CLUB
SHOULD PARTICIPATE IN ACTIVITIES
WHERE YOU SURRENDER WARDROBE
AUTONOMY TO SOMEONE ELSE.
- YEAH, WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT
THINGS TO DO.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
LET'S GO TO CASHMAN'S
AND TRY ON SEQUINED GOWNS.
- HI, SANDI, TIFFANY.
GUESS WHAT.
- YOU'RE TRANSFERRING
TO A NEW SCHOOL?
- NO, I'M TRYING OUT
FOR THE PART OF EMILY
IN THE CANTERBURY TALES.
- THAT'S IS SO WEIRD.
I AM TOO.
- BUT...
- REALLY?
I DIDN'T SEE YOUR NAME
ON THE SIGN-UP SHEET.
- QUINN, IF YOU DON'T WANT ME
TO AUDITION,
THEN JUST SAY SO.
- STOP THAT FOOLISH TALK,
SANDI.
I'M HAPPY YOU'RE AUDITIONING.
IF YOU GET THE PART,
IT WILL BE JUST LIKE
ME GETTING IT, ONLY NOT.
- GUYS, YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BELIEVE THIS.
BRET STRAND JUST ASKED ME OUT.
- REALLY, IS THAT OKAY
WITH YOU, QUINN?
Both: HUH?
- MEET THE AVANT-GARDE
OBSTETRICIAN
WHO'S TURNED HIS CASTOFFS
INTO BIG-TICKET ARTWORK.
UMBILICAL CORD SCULPTURE
NEXT ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- DAD.
DAD!
- HUH?
- COULD YOU HELP ME
WITH SOMETHING?
- HONESTLY, QUINN,
I'M JUST TAPPED OUT.
I WISH I COULD,
BUT I'M DEAD-FLAT BROKE.
IF I HAD A BUCK ON ME,
YOU KNOW I'D...
- DA-AAAD,
I NEED SOMEONE
TO HELP ME REHEARSE MY LINES.
- OH, SURE.
YOU KNOW, I PLAYED GUILDENSTERN
IN COLLEGE.
I THOUGHT I'D BE NERVOUS,
BUT I WAS COOL AS A CUCUMBER...
- THAT'S ACTUALLY INTERESTING,
BECAUSE I'M JUST A LITTLE...
- UNTIL I WALKED ONSTAGE
AND FOUND MYSELF
IN FRONT OF THE CROWD,
STANDING ROOM ONLY.
I FELT SO... NAKED.
- DAD, YOU'RE NOT HELPING ME...
- I FROZE, COULDN'T SAY A WORD.
THEN "IT" STARTED:
THE SNICKERING.
THEY LAUGHED ME OFF THE STAGE,
THE JERKS!
- I'LL GO PRACTICE UPSTAIRS.
- QUINN, HONEY,
IT WASN'T THAT BAD, REALLY.
AFTER A FEW MONTHS,
THE TEASING TAPERED OFF, AND...
- STOP!
- MAYBE I SHOULD
GO TALK TO HER.
HEY, ZIGGY.
- "OOOH, PALAMON,
WHO HAS SUCH LOVE FOR ME?"
- "FOR WHICH HE IS DESERVING
OF... MMM... DEATH."
- "OH, PALAMON,
WHO HAS SUCH LOVE FOR ME?"
- "FOR WHICH HE'S,
LIKE, DESERVING OF DEATH."
COOL.
- "OH, PAL-O-MINE, WHO... WHO..."
WHO CAN REMEMBER ALL THIS?
- UH, SHALL WE BEGIN?
- UH, I DO, I GUESS.
- I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU
HUSBAND AND WIFE,
AND THUS, WITH PERFECT BLISS
AND MELODY,
PALAMON WEDDED EMILY.
- ARGH!
- HEY.
- UHH!
- WHY FIGHT IT, TOOTS?
WE'RE MAN AND WIFE NOW.
- KEEP DREAMING, CHARLES.
- AUGH!
[groaning]
- I DO, KEVVY... I MEAN,
PALAMONY.
- YEAH, ME TOO.
- I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU...
[both moaning]
OH, DEAR.
OKAY, GUYS.
UM, BRITTANY... BRITTANY?
BRITTANY.
- YES?
- THAT WAS VERY GOOD,
BUT NOW IT'S TIME
TO GIVE SOMEONE ELSE
A CHANCE TO AUDITION.
- OKAY, COME ON, KEVVY.
- UM, ACTUALLY,
I'D LIKE KEVIN TO STAY ONSTAGE.
KEVIN, YOU'RE REALLY DOING
SOMETHING SPECIAL WITH PALAMON.
- BUT, AREN'T I PALAMON?
- NOW, WHO'S NEXT FOR EMILY?
AH, QUINN...
QUINN MORGENDORFFER.
- RIGHT HERE.
- EEP!
- "I WILL MAKE A DAINTY GARLAND
FOR MY HEAD AND SING.
"I WILL MAKE A DAINTY GARLAND
FOR MY HEAD AND SING.
I WILL MAKE A DAINTY GARLAND
FOR MY HEAD AND SING."
- WITH A HEY-NONNY-NONNY,
TRA-LA, TRA-LA.
WOULD YOU GIVE IT A REST?
- DARIA, I HAVE TO REHEARSE.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT MOM'S
MAKING YOU COME TO THIS.
IT'S NOT LIKE I WANT YOU THERE.
- AWW, THANKS.
- STOP IT, YOU TWO.
QUINN, DARIA'S VERY HAPPY
TO BE SEEING YOU IN YOUR PLAY,
AREN'T YOU, DARIA?
- I WILL MAKE A DAINTY GARLAND
FOR MY NECK AND CHOKE.
- I HOPE THE OTHER GIRLS
WEREN'T TOO DISAPPOINTED
THAT YOU GOT THE PART OVER THEM.
- WELL, LET'S SEE.
SANDI WAS REALLY NICE ABOUT IT.
SHE SAID SHE'S TOO MATURE
TO GET UPSET
AT SOMEBODY ELSE'S INCREDIBLE,
UNBELIEVABLE, UNDESERVED LUCK,
AND BRITTANY
JUST KIND OF MADE NOISES.
- I GUESS SHE'S SPEECHLESS
WITH JOY
THAT YOU AND KEVIN
ARE GONNA BE ACTING TOGETHER.
- FOR YOUR INFORMATION, DARIA,
SHE VOLUNTEERED TO DRIVE HIM
SO HE COULD WORK ON HIS LINES.
- DID SHE VOLUNTEER
TO GET HIM A DAINTY TRANSPLANT
FOR HIS HEAD
SO HE COULD REMEMBER THEM?
[tires squealing]
- DAMN KIDS!
- CRAZY, OLD JERK!
I HOPE THAT DIDN'T DISTURB
YOUR CONCENTRATION.
- NAH, I'M COOL.
- 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
I DON'T WANT ANYTHING
TO DISTRACT YOU
FROM YOUR PERFORMANCE.
- I KNOW, BABE, THANKS.
UH, BABE, ISN'T THAT
THE TURNOFF FOR SCHOOL?
- I DON'T THINK SO.
- REALLY?
WOW, I AM CONCENTRATING.
[regal renaissance music]
♪ ♪
- DARIA, QUINN?
- THAT'S FUNNY.
THEY WERE HERE A MINUTE AGO.
HEY, MY MAN, COOL THREADS.
- ARE YOU CALLING ME A WUSS?
- MM! AHH! OW!
- LINDA, TOM.
Together: HELEN, JAKE.
- HAVE YOU MET
SAM AND CHRIS?
BOYS, SAY HELLO
TO MR. AND MRS. MORGENDORFFER.
- YOU SUCK.
YOU SUCK.
- MM!
- OW!
- UH, KIDS, COME BACK HERE.
- CONGRATULATIONS ON QUINN
GETTING THE LEAD IN THE PLAY.
- WHY, THANK YOU.
I HEARD THE COMPETITION
WAS PRETTY STIFF.
- WELL, POOR SANDI'S ACTING
IS A LITTLE SUBTLE.
MR. O'NEILL WAS OBVIOUSLY
LOOKING FOR SOMEONE
OVER-THE-TOP.
- AH-HA-HA... HA.
- STEP UP AND HAVE
YOUR PICTURE TAKEN.
POSE UP AND TAKE HOME
FOR A LAUGH.
- MR. WHITE, IF YOU'LL JUST SIGN
THIS WAIVER
ABSOLVING LAWNDALE HIGH
OF ANY RESPONSIBILITY
FOR YOUR ACCIDENTAL DEATH,
WE CAN START THE FUN.
[bugle call]
LET THE SPORT BEGIN.
- WELL, IF IT ISN'T JAMIE.
I HOPE YOU'RE BETTER
AT WIELDING A LANCE
THAN YOU ARE
AT OPENING A BOOK.
- YOU GOT MY NAME RIGHT.
SOMEBODY ACTUALLY REMEM...
OOH!
- NEXT!
- THANKS FOR MEETING ME HERE.
- HEY, I WANTED TO COME,
REMEMBER?
BESIDES, I HAD TO GET OUT.
TRENT DISCOVERED A NEW CHORD.
- WOULD EITHER OF YOU LOVELIES
BE INTERESTED IN A MADRIGAL?
- both: NO.
- ♪ I AM THE BRAVE SIR CHUCK,
SIR CHUCK ♪
♪ MANLY AND STRONG AND QUICK ♪
- ♪ I'M GOING TO CUT OUT
YOUR TONGUE, YOUR TONGUE ♪
♪ AND FRY IT UP ON A STICK ♪
- GRRRR, FEISTY.
HEY, ANDREA,
YOU LIKE MADRIGALS?
- DON'T TOUCH ME,
YOU HOWDY DOODY-LOOKING CREEP.
- GOOD AFTERNOON, YOUNG MEN.
YOU'RE ABOUT TO LEARN FIRSTHAND
THE PROFIT-GENERATING PRINCIPLES
BY WHICH GAMES OF CHANCE...
OH!
- YES!
- HA-HA, MAYBE I SHOULD SAY
GAMES OF SKILL?
- [sobbing]
- GOD, STACY, WHAT'S WRONG?
YOU LOOK AWFUL.
- YEAH, REALLY, REALLY BAD.
- IT'S BRET.
HE SAID HE'D CALL ME
AFTER OUR FIRST DATE,
BUT HE NEVER DID,
AND I JUST SAW HIM,
AND I SAID HI,
AND HE PRETENDED
LIKE HE DIDN'T EVEN SEE ME.
- BUMMER.
- YEAH.
- THESE LONG SKIRTS
ARE SO HARD TO WALK IN.
- I KNOW.
- [sobbing]
- STACY, IT'S GONNA BE
ALL RIGHT.
- HE'S NOT WORTH IT.
NO GUY IS.
- THANKS, GUYS.
OH, IT'S SO GREAT TO KNOW
I CAN COUNT ON MY TRUE FRIENDS.
- SO THEN,
HE'S NOT DATING ANYONE NOW?
- OOOOH!
- I CAN'T BELIEVE QUINN
GOT THE PART OVER YOU.
THAT'S SO WRONG.
- OH, I'M SURE
SHE'LL DO A GOOD JOB.
- HEY.
- IF PRINCE CHARMING KISSES YOU,
YOU THINK YOU'LL WAKE UP
FROM THIS NIGHTMARE?
- IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE, OKAY?
- YOU JUST KEEP
TELLING YOURSELF THAT,
OR HAVE YOUR
LADIES IN WAITING DO IT.
- WHERE'S PRINCE MACK?
- RAAAAWWR!
- IT WAS MISS BARCH'S IDEA.
- NO.
- ARE YOU BARNEY?
- RAAAAWWR!
- KILL THE DRAGON.
All: KILL THE DRAGON.
- OW!
AUUGH!
AUGH!
- YOU WILL MARRY A MAN
WHILE STILL IN YOUR PRIME.
THEN, AFTER PUTTING HIM
THROUGH SCHOOL
AND SPENDING 20 LONG,
SUFFERING YEARS
BEGGING HIM
TO TURN OFF THOSE DAMN BRONCOS
AND GET A REAL JOB,
HE'LL WALK OUT OF YOUR LIFE
LEAVING A TRAIL
OF MUDDY FOOTPRINTS BEHIND
ON THE FRESHLY CLEANED CARPET,
BUT YOU'LL BE BETTER OFF
WITHOUT HIM, MUCH BETTER OFF.
- [crying]
- MUCH, MUCH BETTER OFF.
- AND SHE'S THE LIVING PROOF.
- SHOULD WE
GET OUR FORTUNES READ?
- I'LL PASS.
KNOWING THE PRESENT
IS BAD ENOUGH.
- THEN HOW ABOUT
A FERRIS WHEEL RIDE?
- DO I LOOK DESPERATE TO YOU?
Both: CRUSADES, CRUSADES!
- LADIES, WAIT TILL YOU HEAR
THE BALLAD
OF THE MISUNDERSTOOD MINSTREL.
- DO I LOOK DESPERATE
TO YOU NOW?
- YEP.
- LET'S GO.
- YOU'RE IN LUCK,
ONE BASKET LEFT.
- HEY, COME ON,
LISTEN TO MY SONG.
IT'S ONLY GOT 12 VERSES.
- INQUISITION.
- INQUISITION.
Both: INQUISITION.
- OW!
HEY!
OW!
OW.
- [crying]
PLEASE, YOU'VE GOT TO LET ME ON.
- CAN'T.
WE'RE FULL UP.
- BUT I DON'T WANT ANYONE
TO SEE MY EYE.
THEY'RE THIS REALLY WEIRD
SHADE OF RED.
- SORRY, SAFETY REGULATIONS...
- I'LL PAY YOU DOUBLE.
- ALL ABOARD.
- EXCUSE ME,
YOU CAN'T DO THIS.
- WE'RE HUMAN BEINGS,
DAMN IT.
- [sobbing]
- AND EVERYONE THOUGHT
I'D HAD A CESAREAN,
BECAUSE SANDI'S HEAD WAS
SO ROUND AND SMOOTH
AND NOT FLAT AND BUMPY
LIKE THE OTHER BABIES.
- WELL, MY LABOR WITH QUINN
WAS ONLY 2 HOURS, 20 MINUTES,
SO HER HEAD
WAS QUITE ROUND TOO.
- THAT'S GREAT,
ESPECIALLY SINCE GIVING BIRTH
CAN BE RISKY FOR WOMEN OVER 35.
- NOW, I WANT EVERYONE
TO TAKE A MINUTE
AND VISUALIZE THE AUDIENCE.
AS WE FINISH OUR WONDERFUL PLAY,
THEY FINISH
THEIR DELICIOUS DINNER
AND LEAP UP AS ONE
IN A STANDING OVATION.
BRAVA, BRAVA.
EVERYONE.
All: BRAVA, BRAVA.
- YUM, YUM.
All: YUM... YUM.
- NOW, LET'S BOW OUR HEADS
FOR A MOMENT
AND REMEMBER POOR JAMES DEAN.
- OH, PALAMON,
WHO HAS SUCH LOVE FOR ME?
I WILL MAKE A DAINTY GARLAND...
SANDI, TIFFANY,
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?
- WE CAME BY TO WISH YOU LUCK.
- NOT THAT YOU'LL NEED IT.
- NO WAY.
- YOU REALLY THINK SO?
- YOU'RE REALLY TALENTED, QUINN.
I ESPECIALLY LIKE
YOUR UNIQUE INFLECTIONS.
- YOU DO?
- LIKE, SAY A LINE FOR US.
- WELL, OKAY.
I WILL MAKE A DAINTY GARLAND
FOR MY HEAD AND SING.
- SEE WHAT I MEAN?
- OH, YEAH.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SANDI?
- WELL, ANYBODY ELSE
WOULD HAVE SAID,
"I WILL MAKE A DAINTY GARLAND
FOR MY HEAD,"
BUT YOU, QUINN,
WITH YOUR... SPECIAL TALENT,
YOU SAID, "I WILL MAKE
A DAINTY GARLAND FOR MY HEAD."
I MEAN, IT MUST BE TALENT,
BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T EMPHASIZE
THE WRONG WORDS, WOULD YOU?
- NO, OF COURSE NOT.
- I DIDN'T THINK SO.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE THINKS
SHE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE PART
OVER YOU.
THAT'S SO WRONG.
- QUINN, HAVE YOU SEEN KEVIN?
- NOW, I KNOW WE DON'T TAKE
A HIGHWAY TO SCHOOL, BABE.
- ARE YOU SURE?
- UM, NO.
- I EVEN WORE
MY CRUSHED-VELVET TANK TOP,
THE ONE WITH THE SCOOP NECK,
AND HE STILL DIDN'T
ASK ME OUT AGAIN.
OOOH, IF ONLY YOU WERE
POPULAR ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND.
- YES, IF ONLY.
- WHEN THE HELL IS THIS RIDE
GONNA BE OVER?
- WHAT'S THIS?
- DINNER THEATER:
THIS IS DINNER.
- DON'T WE GET UTENSILS?
- HEY, IT'S THE MIDDLE AGES,
POPS.
- POPS?
- COME ON, JAKE.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED
TO THE REST OF THIS TURKEY?
- TRY BLAMING THIS ON DYSLEXIA.
OOH!
- COME ON, QUINN'S PLAY
IS ABOUT TO START ANYWAY.
- NEXT!
- OOOOH!
[sobbing]
BUT WHY?
WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID,
SOMETHING I WORE?
OOOH, I WISH I WERE DEAD.
- LOOK, DON'T FLUSH YOUR ENTIRE
WORLD DOWN THE DRAIN
JUST BECAUSE SOME JERK DIDN'T
ASK YOU OUT ON A SECOND DATE.
IT PROBABLY HAD NOTHING
TO DO WITH YOU ANYWAY.
- UNLESS YOU DID SOMETHING
REALLY STUPID,
LIKE BORE HIM WITH YOUR PETTY
PROBLEMS AND CONVOLUTED LOGIC.
- WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
- THIS IS REVOLTING.
I THINK I'M GOING TO BE SICK.
- HEY, YOU GONNA EAT THAT?
- I WILL MAKE
A DAINTY GARLAND.
I WILL MAKE A DAINTY GARLAND.
I WILL MAKE"...
- HI, QUINN.
I JUST WANTED TO STOP BY
AND WISH YOU GOOD LUCK.
- I WANT TO WISH YOU
EVEN BETTER LUCK.
- I WANT TO WISH YOU THE BEST...
- GUYS, IF YOU REALLY WANT
TO HELP ME, FIND KEVIN.
HE'S NOT HERE, AND THERE'S
NO ONE TO PLAY PALAMON.
All: I'LL PLAY PALAMON.
OH, ME, I'M GOOD.
COME ON, MAN, ME.
- GUYS, DON'T FIGHT OVER ME.
- DESPERATE TIMES CALL
FOR DESPERATE MEASURES.
EENY, MEANIE, MINIE, MOE.
All: NO WAY.
THAT'S NOT FAIR. COME ON.
- NOW, JEFFY, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS READ PALAMON'S LINES
UNTIL KEVIN GETS HERE
WITH HIS VERY GOOD REASON
FOR SABOTAGING OUR PLAY.
- THANKS, JEFFY.
- WHO AM I
SUPPOSED TO BE AGAIN?
IT STARTED WITH A "P".
- THE PARDONER.
- OH, YEAH, HA-HA.
- I WILL MAKE
A DAINTY GARLAND
FOR MY HEAD AND SING.
♪ LA, LA-LA-LA ♪
- THAT LUST PROCEEDS
FROM WINE AND DRUNKENNESS,
CONSIDER HOW DRUNKEN LOT
PERVERTEDLY SLEPT WITH...
- WHAT?
- THAT LUST PROCEEDS FROM...
- STOP!
[laughter]
UH...
- SNICKER, SNICKER, SNICKER,
DAMN IT!
WHO'S LAUGHING?
WHAT'S SO DAMN FUNNY?
UGH!
WHY, YOU LITTLE...
ARGH!
[laughter]
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
AHHH!
[sobbing]
[laughter]
- THEN, DO YOU THINK
I SHOULD CALL HIM?
- YES, RIGHT NOW,
BEFORE I COMMIT
JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE.
- MUST... STICK... HEAD...
COLD... WATER.
- GUYS, CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?
THERE'S SOME KIND OF RIOT
GOING ON IN THE AUDITORIUM.
JUST WATCH THE INFORMATION
BOOTH WHILE I FIND MISS LI.
- UH-OH,
SOMEONE JUST PUT US
IN A POSITION OF RESPONSIBILITY.
- THE DAY HAS SUDDENLY
TURNED SINISTER.
- I JUST WANTED
THE PLAY TO GO WELL.
- OF COURSE YOU DID.
SEE, IN ANOTHER LIFE,
YOU WERE A WOMAN,
WHICH EXPLAINS
WHY YOU HAVE FEELINGS.
- REALLY?
- YOUR CARDS ALSO SAY THAT YOU
AND A STILL-ATTRACTIVE COWORKER
HAVE A CHANCE
FOR UNPARALLELED BLISS
PROVIDED YOU AVOID
THE TROGLODYTIC BEHAVIOR
COMMON TO YOUR SEX.
- REALLY?
WHEN?
- VERY, VERY SOON.
OOOH, MWAH, MWAH, MWAH!
- WHY AREN'T YOU
WEARING COSTUMES?
- WE WERE, BUT WE DONATED THEM
TO THE MUSEUM OF GLORIFYING
VIOLENCE IN MEDIEVAL TIMES.
- THE MEDIEVAL TIMES WERE COOL.
- YEAH, THE AIR WAS CLEANER,
AND THERE WAS LESS CROWDING,
SINCE THE BLACK DEATH WIPED OUT
1/3 OF THE POPULATION
IN MANY PLACES.
- MUST HAVE BEEN COOL
TO SEE THE OX CARTS
ROLLING THROUGH THE STREETS
PILED HIGH
WITH FESTERING CORPSES.
- AND THE REAL ROBIN HOOD
ACTUALLY LIVED IN THE 1300s.
KING EDWARD II BUSTED ROBIN
AND HIS BAND OF OUTLAWS
POACHING DEER,
BUT RATHER THAN PUNISH HIM,
HE PARDONED ROBIN
AND MADE HIM
HIS SPECIAL FRIEND.
- ROBIN WAS SO GRATEFUL,
FROM THAT DAY ON, HE INSISTED
ON GIVING THE KING HIS BATH.
- ACTUALLY,
ANNE BOLEYN WAS NO PRIZE EITHER.
- SHE HAD SIX FINGERS
ON HER LEFT HAND,
A BIG MOLE ON HER NECK,
AND DON'T EVEN ASK ME
WHAT WAS GOING ON BELOW THAT.
- UM, BABE,
NOW, I KNOW IT DOESN'T TAKE
THIS LONG TO DRIVE TO SCHOOL.
- ARE YOU SUUUUUURE?
- OH, MAN.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
[thunder booming]
- WOW, LOOK AT THIS PLACE.
I WONDER WHAT IT IS.
- I THINK
IT'S THE LIBRARY, BABE.
[both moaning]
- OUCH!
[rain pattering]
[roof cracking]
- I COULD HAVE SWORN I HAD
MONEY BUDGETED FOR A NEW ROOF
UNDER "CAPITAL IMPROVEMENTS."
- OH, WELL,
EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES.
- IS THAT A POLYGRAPH MACHINE?
- YES, OH,
I WON IT IN A RAFFLE.
- I DON'T KNOW WHERE
WE'RE GOING TO GET
THE MONEY FOR REPAIRS:
A FUND-RAISER, I GUESS,
BOOGIE-BASH '70s REVIVAL NIGHT?
- WE CAN'T.
SOMEONE STOLE THE DISCO BALL.
NO, WE'LL HAVE TO COME UP
WITH SOMETHING
THAT TRULY CAPTURES
THE SPIRIT OF STUDENT LIFE
AT LAWNDALE HIGH.
[bell ringing]
- NOW, WHY DO YOU THINK IT IS
THAT TOLSTOY FELT
HE HAD TO MAKE WAR AND PEACE
SO DARNED UNPLEASANT, DARIA?
- SO NO ONE WOULD PESTER HIM
TO DO A SEQUEL?
- HMM.
- GOOD MORNING, YOUNG PEOPLE.
I HAVE A VERY SAD ANNOUNCEMENT.
THE LIBRARY WILL BE CLOSED
UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.
- GREAT, THERE GOES THE ONLY
PLACE I CAN GO TO BE ALONE.
- OH, YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE.
- TO RAISE MONEY FOR REPAIRS,
THE SCHOOL WILL BE PRESENTING
A MEDIEVAL FAIR
SIMULATING LIFE
IN THE MIDDLE AGES.
- YEAH.
- VOLUNTEERS
ARE DESPERATELY NEEDED.
THOSE WHO REFUSE TO VOLUNTEER
MUST VOLUNTARILY PURCHASE
A TICKET FOR $10
OR VOLUNTARILY FACE SUSPENSION.
HAVE A NICE DAY.
- THAT MAY BE THE STUPIDEST
THING I'VE EVER HEARD OF.
- I KNOW.
WE'VE GOT TO GO.
[bell ringing]
- BABE, THIS IS
VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.
THE CADBURY TALES
ARE, LIKE, CLASSIC,
AND I THINK I'D BE GREAT
IN THE PLAY.
JUST DO THE AUDITION WITH ME.
- OH, BABE.
- BECAUSE NOBODY PLAYS
A LOVE SCENE LIKE YOU, KEVVY.
- OOOH.
- NOW, GO PRACTICE.
- YES, MA'AM, BREAK.
- YOUR LINES!
- WOW, WHERE'S HE GOING?
- WE'RE GONNA BE IN A PLAY
TOGETHER AT THE MEDIEVAL FAIR.
- OH, THAT'S NICE.
- WE'LL BE
THE MOST POPULAR ONES THERE.
- SO I THOUGHT,
IF I HAVE TO VOLUNTEER ANYWAY,
I MIGHT AS WELL DO SOMETHING
THAT CHALLENGES ME AS A TEEN
AND MAYBE BRING SOME JOY
INTO THE DRAB LIVES OF OTHERS
WHO ARE LESS POPULAR,
SO THEY'RE GONNA
HAVE THIS DINNER THEATER
WITH A PLAY BY THIS GUY,
KEN BARRY,
AND I'M GONNA AUDITION
FOR EMILY,
THE REALLY CUTE SISTER.
"PRESERVE ME
FROM THE VENGEANCE"...
- THAT'S GREAT, HONEY.
DARIA, WHAT WILL YOU BE DOING
AT THE FAIR?
- ADMIRING IT FROM
THE SAFE DISTANCE OF MY ROOM.
- DARIA, THIS FAIR
IS FOR A VERY GOOD CAUSE.
EVERYONE SHOULD GO.
- ARE YOU GOING?
- THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.
- I MEANT EVERY STUDENT.
- BUT WHAT IF MERYL STREEP
HERE GETS THE PART?
NOTHING SAYS SUPPORT
LIKE YOU AND DAD LEADING
A ROUSING CHEER
FROM THE FOOTLIGHTS.
- [gasps]
- AND JUST THINK
OF THE DELICIOUS DINNER.
- HUH?
DARN IT.
- SHOULD WE TRY OUT
FOR THE PLAY?
WE MIGHT GET ON A POSTER.
- I DON'T THINK THE FASHION CLUB
SHOULD PARTICIPATE IN ACTIVITIES
WHERE YOU SURRENDER WARDROBE
AUTONOMY TO SOMEONE ELSE.
- YEAH, WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT
THINGS TO DO.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
LET'S GO TO CASHMAN'S
AND TRY ON SEQUINED GOWNS.
- HI, SANDI, TIFFANY.
GUESS WHAT.
- YOU'RE TRANSFERRING
TO A NEW SCHOOL?
- NO, I'M TRYING OUT
FOR THE PART OF EMILY
IN THE CANTERBURY TALES.
- THAT'S IS SO WEIRD.
I AM TOO.
- BUT...
- REALLY?
I DIDN'T SEE YOUR NAME
ON THE SIGN-UP SHEET.
- QUINN, IF YOU DON'T WANT ME
TO AUDITION,
THEN JUST SAY SO.
- STOP THAT FOOLISH TALK,
SANDI.
I'M HAPPY YOU'RE AUDITIONING.
IF YOU GET THE PART,
IT WILL BE JUST LIKE
ME GETTING IT, ONLY NOT.
- GUYS, YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BELIEVE THIS.
BRET STRAND JUST ASKED ME OUT.
- REALLY, IS THAT OKAY
WITH YOU, QUINN?
Both: HUH?
- MEET THE AVANT-GARDE
OBSTETRICIAN
WHO'S TURNED HIS CASTOFFS
INTO BIG-TICKET ARTWORK.
UMBILICAL CORD SCULPTURE
NEXT ON SICK, SAD WORLD.
- DAD.
DAD!
- HUH?
- COULD YOU HELP ME
WITH SOMETHING?
- HONESTLY, QUINN,
I'M JUST TAPPED OUT.
I WISH I COULD,
BUT I'M DEAD-FLAT BROKE.
IF I HAD A BUCK ON ME,
YOU KNOW I'D...
- DA-AAAD,
I NEED SOMEONE
TO HELP ME REHEARSE MY LINES.
- OH, SURE.
YOU KNOW, I PLAYED GUILDENSTERN
IN COLLEGE.
I THOUGHT I'D BE NERVOUS,
BUT I WAS COOL AS A CUCUMBER...
- THAT'S ACTUALLY INTERESTING,
BECAUSE I'M JUST A LITTLE...
- UNTIL I WALKED ONSTAGE
AND FOUND MYSELF
IN FRONT OF THE CROWD,
STANDING ROOM ONLY.
I FELT SO... NAKED.
- DAD, YOU'RE NOT HELPING ME...
- I FROZE, COULDN'T SAY A WORD.
THEN "IT" STARTED:
THE SNICKERING.
THEY LAUGHED ME OFF THE STAGE,
THE JERKS!
- I'LL GO PRACTICE UPSTAIRS.
- QUINN, HONEY,
IT WASN'T THAT BAD, REALLY.
AFTER A FEW MONTHS,
THE TEASING TAPERED OFF, AND...
- STOP!
- MAYBE I SHOULD
GO TALK TO HER.
HEY, ZIGGY.
- "OOOH, PALAMON,
WHO HAS SUCH LOVE FOR ME?"
- "FOR WHICH HE IS DESERVING
OF... MMM... DEATH."
- "OH, PALAMON,
WHO HAS SUCH LOVE FOR ME?"
- "FOR WHICH HE'S,
LIKE, DESERVING OF DEATH."
COOL.
- "OH, PAL-O-MINE, WHO... WHO..."
WHO CAN REMEMBER ALL THIS?
- UH, SHALL WE BEGIN?
- UH, I DO, I GUESS.
- I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU
HUSBAND AND WIFE,
AND THUS, WITH PERFECT BLISS
AND MELODY,
PALAMON WEDDED EMILY.
- ARGH!
- HEY.
- UHH!
- WHY FIGHT IT, TOOTS?
WE'RE MAN AND WIFE NOW.
- KEEP DREAMING, CHARLES.
- AUGH!
[groaning]
- I DO, KEVVY... I MEAN,
PALAMONY.
- YEAH, ME TOO.
- I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU...
[both moaning]
OH, DEAR.
OKAY, GUYS.
UM, BRITTANY... BRITTANY?
BRITTANY.
- YES?
- THAT WAS VERY GOOD,
BUT NOW IT'S TIME
TO GIVE SOMEONE ELSE
A CHANCE TO AUDITION.
- OKAY, COME ON, KEVVY.
- UM, ACTUALLY,
I'D LIKE KEVIN TO STAY ONSTAGE.
KEVIN, YOU'RE REALLY DOING
SOMETHING SPECIAL WITH PALAMON.
- BUT, AREN'T I PALAMON?
- NOW, WHO'S NEXT FOR EMILY?
AH, QUINN...
QUINN MORGENDORFFER.
- RIGHT HERE.
- EEP!
- "I WILL MAKE A DAINTY GARLAND
FOR MY HEAD AND SING.
"I WILL MAKE A DAINTY GARLAND
FOR MY HEAD AND SING.
I WILL MAKE A DAINTY GARLAND
FOR MY HEAD AND SING."
- WITH A HEY-NONNY-NONNY,
TRA-LA, TRA-LA.
WOULD YOU GIVE IT A REST?
- DARIA, I HAVE TO REHEARSE.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT MOM'S
MAKING YOU COME TO THIS.
IT'S NOT LIKE I WANT YOU THERE.
- AWW, THANKS.
- STOP IT, YOU TWO.
QUINN, DARIA'S VERY HAPPY
TO BE SEEING YOU IN YOUR PLAY,
AREN'T YOU, DARIA?
- I WILL MAKE A DAINTY GARLAND
FOR MY NECK AND CHOKE.
- I HOPE THE OTHER GIRLS
WEREN'T TOO DISAPPOINTED
THAT YOU GOT THE PART OVER THEM.
- WELL, LET'S SEE.
SANDI WAS REALLY NICE ABOUT IT.
SHE SAID SHE'S TOO MATURE
TO GET UPSET
AT SOMEBODY ELSE'S INCREDIBLE,
UNBELIEVABLE, UNDESERVED LUCK,
AND BRITTANY
JUST KIND OF MADE NOISES.
- I GUESS SHE'S SPEECHLESS
WITH JOY
THAT YOU AND KEVIN
ARE GONNA BE ACTING TOGETHER.
- FOR YOUR INFORMATION, DARIA,
SHE VOLUNTEERED TO DRIVE HIM
SO HE COULD WORK ON HIS LINES.
- DID SHE VOLUNTEER
TO GET HIM A DAINTY TRANSPLANT
FOR HIS HEAD
SO HE COULD REMEMBER THEM?
[tires squealing]
- DAMN KIDS!
- CRAZY, OLD JERK!
I HOPE THAT DIDN'T DISTURB
YOUR CONCENTRATION.
- NAH, I'M COOL.
- 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
I DON'T WANT ANYTHING
TO DISTRACT YOU
FROM YOUR PERFORMANCE.
- I KNOW, BABE, THANKS.
UH, BABE, ISN'T THAT
THE TURNOFF FOR SCHOOL?
- I DON'T THINK SO.
- REALLY?
WOW, I AM CONCENTRATING.
[regal renaissance music]
♪ ♪
- DARIA, QUINN?
- THAT'S FUNNY.
THEY WERE HERE A MINUTE AGO.
HEY, MY MAN, COOL THREADS.
- ARE YOU CALLING ME A WUSS?
- MM! AHH! OW!
- LINDA, TOM.
Together: HELEN, JAKE.
- HAVE YOU MET
SAM AND CHRIS?
BOYS, SAY HELLO
TO MR. AND MRS. MORGENDORFFER.
- YOU SUCK.
YOU SUCK.
- MM!
- OW!
- UH, KIDS, COME BACK HERE.
- CONGRATULATIONS ON QUINN
GETTING THE LEAD IN THE PLAY.
- WHY, THANK YOU.
I HEARD THE COMPETITION
WAS PRETTY STIFF.
- WELL, POOR SANDI'S ACTING
IS A LITTLE SUBTLE.
MR. O'NEILL WAS OBVIOUSLY
LOOKING FOR SOMEONE
OVER-THE-TOP.
- AH-HA-HA... HA.
- STEP UP AND HAVE
YOUR PICTURE TAKEN.
POSE UP AND TAKE HOME
FOR A LAUGH.
- MR. WHITE, IF YOU'LL JUST SIGN
THIS WAIVER
ABSOLVING LAWNDALE HIGH
OF ANY RESPONSIBILITY
FOR YOUR ACCIDENTAL DEATH,
WE CAN START THE FUN.
[bugle call]
LET THE SPORT BEGIN.
- WELL, IF IT ISN'T JAMIE.
I HOPE YOU'RE BETTER
AT WIELDING A LANCE
THAN YOU ARE
AT OPENING A BOOK.
- YOU GOT MY NAME RIGHT.
SOMEBODY ACTUALLY REMEM...
OOH!
- NEXT!
- THANKS FOR MEETING ME HERE.
- HEY, I WANTED TO COME,
REMEMBER?
BESIDES, I HAD TO GET OUT.
TRENT DISCOVERED A NEW CHORD.
- WOULD EITHER OF YOU LOVELIES
BE INTERESTED IN A MADRIGAL?
- both: NO.
- ♪ I AM THE BRAVE SIR CHUCK,
SIR CHUCK ♪
♪ MANLY AND STRONG AND QUICK ♪
- ♪ I'M GOING TO CUT OUT
YOUR TONGUE, YOUR TONGUE ♪
♪ AND FRY IT UP ON A STICK ♪
- GRRRR, FEISTY.
HEY, ANDREA,
YOU LIKE MADRIGALS?
- DON'T TOUCH ME,
YOU HOWDY DOODY-LOOKING CREEP.
- GOOD AFTERNOON, YOUNG MEN.
YOU'RE ABOUT TO LEARN FIRSTHAND
THE PROFIT-GENERATING PRINCIPLES
BY WHICH GAMES OF CHANCE...
OH!
- YES!
- HA-HA, MAYBE I SHOULD SAY
GAMES OF SKILL?
- [sobbing]
- GOD, STACY, WHAT'S WRONG?
YOU LOOK AWFUL.
- YEAH, REALLY, REALLY BAD.
- IT'S BRET.
HE SAID HE'D CALL ME
AFTER OUR FIRST DATE,
BUT HE NEVER DID,
AND I JUST SAW HIM,
AND I SAID HI,
AND HE PRETENDED
LIKE HE DIDN'T EVEN SEE ME.
- BUMMER.
- YEAH.
- THESE LONG SKIRTS
ARE SO HARD TO WALK IN.
- I KNOW.
- [sobbing]
- STACY, IT'S GONNA BE
ALL RIGHT.
- HE'S NOT WORTH IT.
NO GUY IS.
- THANKS, GUYS.
OH, IT'S SO GREAT TO KNOW
I CAN COUNT ON MY TRUE FRIENDS.
- SO THEN,
HE'S NOT DATING ANYONE NOW?
- OOOOH!
- I CAN'T BELIEVE QUINN
GOT THE PART OVER YOU.
THAT'S SO WRONG.
- OH, I'M SURE
SHE'LL DO A GOOD JOB.
- HEY.
- IF PRINCE CHARMING KISSES YOU,
YOU THINK YOU'LL WAKE UP
FROM THIS NIGHTMARE?
- IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE, OKAY?
- YOU JUST KEEP
TELLING YOURSELF THAT,
OR HAVE YOUR
LADIES IN WAITING DO IT.
- WHERE'S PRINCE MACK?
- RAAAAWWR!
- IT WAS MISS BARCH'S IDEA.
- NO.
- ARE YOU BARNEY?
- RAAAAWWR!
- KILL THE DRAGON.
All: KILL THE DRAGON.
- OW!
AUUGH!
AUGH!
- YOU WILL MARRY A MAN
WHILE STILL IN YOUR PRIME.
THEN, AFTER PUTTING HIM
THROUGH SCHOOL
AND SPENDING 20 LONG,
SUFFERING YEARS
BEGGING HIM
TO TURN OFF THOSE DAMN BRONCOS
AND GET A REAL JOB,
HE'LL WALK OUT OF YOUR LIFE
LEAVING A TRAIL
OF MUDDY FOOTPRINTS BEHIND
ON THE FRESHLY CLEANED CARPET,
BUT YOU'LL BE BETTER OFF
WITHOUT HIM, MUCH BETTER OFF.
- [crying]
- MUCH, MUCH BETTER OFF.
- AND SHE'S THE LIVING PROOF.
- SHOULD WE
GET OUR FORTUNES READ?
- I'LL PASS.
KNOWING THE PRESENT
IS BAD ENOUGH.
- THEN HOW ABOUT
A FERRIS WHEEL RIDE?
- DO I LOOK DESPERATE TO YOU?
Both: CRUSADES, CRUSADES!
- LADIES, WAIT TILL YOU HEAR
THE BALLAD
OF THE MISUNDERSTOOD MINSTREL.
- DO I LOOK DESPERATE
TO YOU NOW?
- YEP.
- LET'S GO.
- YOU'RE IN LUCK,
ONE BASKET LEFT.
- HEY, COME ON,
LISTEN TO MY SONG.
IT'S ONLY GOT 12 VERSES.
- INQUISITION.
- INQUISITION.
Both: INQUISITION.
- OW!
HEY!
OW!
OW.
- [crying]
PLEASE, YOU'VE GOT TO LET ME ON.
- CAN'T.
WE'RE FULL UP.
- BUT I DON'T WANT ANYONE
TO SEE MY EYE.
THEY'RE THIS REALLY WEIRD
SHADE OF RED.
- SORRY, SAFETY REGULATIONS...
- I'LL PAY YOU DOUBLE.
- ALL ABOARD.
- EXCUSE ME,
YOU CAN'T DO THIS.
- WE'RE HUMAN BEINGS,
DAMN IT.
- [sobbing]
- AND EVERYONE THOUGHT
I'D HAD A CESAREAN,
BECAUSE SANDI'S HEAD WAS
SO ROUND AND SMOOTH
AND NOT FLAT AND BUMPY
LIKE THE OTHER BABIES.
- WELL, MY LABOR WITH QUINN
WAS ONLY 2 HOURS, 20 MINUTES,
SO HER HEAD
WAS QUITE ROUND TOO.
- THAT'S GREAT,
ESPECIALLY SINCE GIVING BIRTH
CAN BE RISKY FOR WOMEN OVER 35.
- NOW, I WANT EVERYONE
TO TAKE A MINUTE
AND VISUALIZE THE AUDIENCE.
AS WE FINISH OUR WONDERFUL PLAY,
THEY FINISH
THEIR DELICIOUS DINNER
AND LEAP UP AS ONE
IN A STANDING OVATION.
BRAVA, BRAVA.
EVERYONE.
All: BRAVA, BRAVA.
- YUM, YUM.
All: YUM... YUM.
- NOW, LET'S BOW OUR HEADS
FOR A MOMENT
AND REMEMBER POOR JAMES DEAN.
- OH, PALAMON,
WHO HAS SUCH LOVE FOR ME?
I WILL MAKE A DAINTY GARLAND...
SANDI, TIFFANY,
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?
- WE CAME BY TO WISH YOU LUCK.
- NOT THAT YOU'LL NEED IT.
- NO WAY.
- YOU REALLY THINK SO?
- YOU'RE REALLY TALENTED, QUINN.
I ESPECIALLY LIKE
YOUR UNIQUE INFLECTIONS.
- YOU DO?
- LIKE, SAY A LINE FOR US.
- WELL, OKAY.
I WILL MAKE A DAINTY GARLAND
FOR MY HEAD AND SING.
- SEE WHAT I MEAN?
- OH, YEAH.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SANDI?
- WELL, ANYBODY ELSE
WOULD HAVE SAID,
"I WILL MAKE A DAINTY GARLAND
FOR MY HEAD,"
BUT YOU, QUINN,
WITH YOUR... SPECIAL TALENT,
YOU SAID, "I WILL MAKE
A DAINTY GARLAND FOR MY HEAD."
I MEAN, IT MUST BE TALENT,
BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T EMPHASIZE
THE WRONG WORDS, WOULD YOU?
- NO, OF COURSE NOT.
- I DIDN'T THINK SO.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE THINKS
SHE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN THE PART
OVER YOU.
THAT'S SO WRONG.
- QUINN, HAVE YOU SEEN KEVIN?
- NOW, I KNOW WE DON'T TAKE
A HIGHWAY TO SCHOOL, BABE.
- ARE YOU SURE?
- UM, NO.
- I EVEN WORE
MY CRUSHED-VELVET TANK TOP,
THE ONE WITH THE SCOOP NECK,
AND HE STILL DIDN'T
ASK ME OUT AGAIN.
OOOH, IF ONLY YOU WERE
POPULAR ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND.
- YES, IF ONLY.
- WHEN THE HELL IS THIS RIDE
GONNA BE OVER?
- WHAT'S THIS?
- DINNER THEATER:
THIS IS DINNER.
- DON'T WE GET UTENSILS?
- HEY, IT'S THE MIDDLE AGES,
POPS.
- POPS?
- COME ON, JAKE.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED
TO THE REST OF THIS TURKEY?
- TRY BLAMING THIS ON DYSLEXIA.
OOH!
- COME ON, QUINN'S PLAY
IS ABOUT TO START ANYWAY.
- NEXT!
- OOOOH!
[sobbing]
BUT WHY?
WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID,
SOMETHING I WORE?
OOOH, I WISH I WERE DEAD.
- LOOK, DON'T FLUSH YOUR ENTIRE
WORLD DOWN THE DRAIN
JUST BECAUSE SOME JERK DIDN'T
ASK YOU OUT ON A SECOND DATE.
IT PROBABLY HAD NOTHING
TO DO WITH YOU ANYWAY.
- UNLESS YOU DID SOMETHING
REALLY STUPID,
LIKE BORE HIM WITH YOUR PETTY
PROBLEMS AND CONVOLUTED LOGIC.
- WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
- THIS IS REVOLTING.
I THINK I'M GOING TO BE SICK.
- HEY, YOU GONNA EAT THAT?
- I WILL MAKE
A DAINTY GARLAND.
I WILL MAKE A DAINTY GARLAND.
I WILL MAKE"...
- HI, QUINN.
I JUST WANTED TO STOP BY
AND WISH YOU GOOD LUCK.
- I WANT TO WISH YOU
EVEN BETTER LUCK.
- I WANT TO WISH YOU THE BEST...
- GUYS, IF YOU REALLY WANT
TO HELP ME, FIND KEVIN.
HE'S NOT HERE, AND THERE'S
NO ONE TO PLAY PALAMON.
All: I'LL PLAY PALAMON.
OH, ME, I'M GOOD.
COME ON, MAN, ME.
- GUYS, DON'T FIGHT OVER ME.
- DESPERATE TIMES CALL
FOR DESPERATE MEASURES.
EENY, MEANIE, MINIE, MOE.
All: NO WAY.
THAT'S NOT FAIR. COME ON.
- NOW, JEFFY, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS READ PALAMON'S LINES
UNTIL KEVIN GETS HERE
WITH HIS VERY GOOD REASON
FOR SABOTAGING OUR PLAY.
- THANKS, JEFFY.
- WHO AM I
SUPPOSED TO BE AGAIN?
IT STARTED WITH A "P".
- THE PARDONER.
- OH, YEAH, HA-HA.
- I WILL MAKE
A DAINTY GARLAND
FOR MY HEAD AND SING.
♪ LA, LA-LA-LA ♪
- THAT LUST PROCEEDS
FROM WINE AND DRUNKENNESS,
CONSIDER HOW DRUNKEN LOT
PERVERTEDLY SLEPT WITH...
- WHAT?
- THAT LUST PROCEEDS FROM...
- STOP!
[laughter]
UH...
- SNICKER, SNICKER, SNICKER,
DAMN IT!
WHO'S LAUGHING?
WHAT'S SO DAMN FUNNY?
UGH!
WHY, YOU LITTLE...
ARGH!
[laughter]
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
AHHH!
[sobbing]
[laughter]
- THEN, DO YOU THINK
I SHOULD CALL HIM?
- YES, RIGHT NOW,
BEFORE I COMMIT
JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE.
- MUST... STICK... HEAD...
COLD... WATER.
- GUYS, CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?
THERE'S SOME KIND OF RIOT
GOING ON IN THE AUDITORIUM.
JUST WATCH THE INFORMATION
BOOTH WHILE I FIND MISS LI.
- UH-OH,
SOMEONE JUST PUT US
IN A POSITION OF RESPONSIBILITY.
- THE DAY HAS SUDDENLY
TURNED SINISTER.
- I JUST WANTED
THE PLAY TO GO WELL.
- OF COURSE YOU DID.
SEE, IN ANOTHER LIFE,
YOU WERE A WOMAN,
WHICH EXPLAINS
WHY YOU HAVE FEELINGS.
- REALLY?
- YOUR CARDS ALSO SAY THAT YOU
AND A STILL-ATTRACTIVE COWORKER
HAVE A CHANCE
FOR UNPARALLELED BLISS
PROVIDED YOU AVOID
THE TROGLODYTIC BEHAVIOR
COMMON TO YOUR SEX.
- REALLY?
WHEN?
- VERY, VERY SOON.
OOOH, MWAH, MWAH, MWAH!
- WHY AREN'T YOU
WEARING COSTUMES?
- WE WERE, BUT WE DONATED THEM
TO THE MUSEUM OF GLORIFYING
VIOLENCE IN MEDIEVAL TIMES.
- THE MEDIEVAL TIMES WERE COOL.
- YEAH, THE AIR WAS CLEANER,
AND THERE WAS LESS CROWDING,
SINCE THE BLACK DEATH WIPED OUT
1/3 OF THE POPULATION
IN MANY PLACES.
- MUST HAVE BEEN COOL
TO SEE THE OX CARTS
ROLLING THROUGH THE STREETS
PILED HIGH
WITH FESTERING CORPSES.
- AND THE REAL ROBIN HOOD
ACTUALLY LIVED IN THE 1300s.
KING EDWARD II BUSTED ROBIN
AND HIS BAND OF OUTLAWS
POACHING DEER,
BUT RATHER THAN PUNISH HIM,
HE PARDONED ROBIN
AND MADE HIM
HIS SPECIAL FRIEND.
- ROBIN WAS SO GRATEFUL,
FROM THAT DAY ON, HE INSISTED
ON GIVING THE KING HIS BATH.
- ACTUALLY,
ANNE BOLEYN WAS NO PRIZE EITHER.
- SHE HAD SIX FINGERS
ON HER LEFT HAND,
A BIG MOLE ON HER NECK,
AND DON'T EVEN ASK ME
WHAT WAS GOING ON BELOW THAT.
- UM, BABE,
NOW, I KNOW IT DOESN'T TAKE
THIS LONG TO DRIVE TO SCHOOL.
- ARE YOU SUUUUUURE?
- OH, MAN.
- ♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA, LA, LA-LA ♪