Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 9, Episode 6 - The Accidental Text on Purpose - full transcript

Larry invents an ingenious ploy for getting his friends out of relationship jams. Larry upsets Funkhouser's new girlfriend.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -

No hanky-panky, Mr. Beshraavi,

from man or bird.

Believe him, Nejim. He means it.

He said he'd kill me.




POLLACK: Get him, Mustafa.

Hey, hold that door! Hold that door!

- (CHATTER OVER PA) Flight 3...
- What? Hold the door!

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- That's my flight to Los Angeles!

- I'm so sorry. You just missed it.
- I'm on that flight.

- Look, I made the plane, I'm here!
- You were so close...

- What?!
- ... but unfortunately,

the door is locked and closed.

- You're not letting me on the plane?
- I know it's frustrating,

but once the door closes, that's it.

Federal regulations.

I got caught up watching
this movie in the hotel,

"Arabesque," with Sophia
Loren and Gregory Peck.

- Mm-hmm.
- Please let me in here.

It's so ridiculous. There's
the plane right there.

But, really, it's as if
the plane's not there.

Wha... are you a magician?

- No, but the door is locked.
- I see the plane.

If you're doing a trick,
it's not a good trick.

I'm trying my best to accommodate you.

It doesn't seem like it.
You're not golden-ruling it.

You're not doing unto others as
you would have others do unto you.

Unfortunately, the golden rule
is not a federal regulation.

Golden rule trumps everything.

Golden rule's on top,
federal law is second.

Good news... we do have one seat left

on the next available flight.

- First class?
- No, but it's an aisle seat,

which is kind of a miracle.

So you do have a little time

to enjoy our amazing mall here.

- We have a Wetzel's Pretzels...
- A Wetzel's Pretzels.

I can't wait to chomp into
one of those Wetzel's Pretzels.

They're delicious.

- Good afternoon. Welcome aboard.
- Hi.

11C... straight down
and on the right, sir.

Are there any first-class seats open?

No, it's a full flight, sir.

Look, there's an empty seat over here.

Straight down, right-hand side.

- Hello.
- If somebody doesn't show up, though,

you let me know, okay?

And, you know, we can
work something out.

I can pay you separately, perhaps.

ATTENDANT: Go to your seat,
please, sir. Thank you.

Hey, what are you doing?
I just opened this up for me.

- What are you doing?
- That's my spot right there.

I don't care. That
doesn't mean anything.

This is filled up. I'm using this.

I don't know what to tell you, buddy.

It's the Wild West, okay, so.




- Nathan Winocur.
- Hey, Doctor.

- Friend of Marty's.
- Yeah.

- Good to see ya.
- Nice to see you.

Ocean View, right?

That's right. We should play a round.

- We should play.
- Let's do that. I'll talk to Marty.

- And I'll get Jeff. You know Jeff?
- I love Jeff.

- That's a great foursome.
- Yeah, it's a good foursome.

- NATHAN: Great.
- Uh, I think I'm there.

Okay, that's me. Thank you.

ATTENDANT: Sir, sir, I'm sorry.
This is for first-class passengers.

- I know, but I... I...
- Your ticket's for 11C, sir.

I know, but nobody's sitting there.

Could you give me,
like, a personal upgrade,

and I can upgrade you, and...

- Sir.
- No? Okay.


Sir, can I ask you a really big favor?

I have a medical condition

where I have to... my
bladder's really overactive.

I have a bladder condition,

and I have to get up a lot.

Is there any way I
could sit in the aisle

and you would want to
switch to the middle?

I can't switch seats with you.

I mean, I got the... I
can't sit in the middle.

It's claustro...
claustrophobic in there.

It's okay. I just have to
ask because I'm up so often.

- I'm sorry.
- I'll die in the middle.

It's so painful, too.

Just wanna see where the
bathrooms are so I know,

- 'cause it's gonna be a run.
- (SIGHS) Okay, fine.


You are such a gentleman.
Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

Heh-hey, my lucky day.

(SCOFFS) Yeah, mine, too.


I'm just looking for the little thing.

- NATHAN: Gotta buckle up.
- (SIGHS) Jesus Christ.

NATHAN: Give it here.

Oh, come on.


Can I grab one of your Kleenex, please?


I just got... I think
it's just allergies.



Oh, man.


No. No.


ATTENDANT: Sir, if I could
just have you open your eyes

- so I can see your pupils.

If you could just try
and relax a little bit.

- Long, deep breaths.
- ATTENDANT #2 OVER PA: Excuse me, everyone.

One of our passengers has taken ill.

If there's a doctor onboard,

can you please ring your call button?

ATTENDANT: Now, sir,
are you currently...

Hey, they're asking for a doctor.

- Mm-mmm.
- Huh?

You're not gonna heed the call?

Give it a minute. He's gonna be fine.

(SCOFFS) How do you know? You
don't even know what he has.

You ever been part of
an emergency landing?

Is that what you want, Larry?

To spend the night in
Lubbock, Texas, at a Days Inn

with a $15 voucher from Cinnabon?

Think about it.


Excuse me.

I'd like to use the bathroom.

(GROANS) Okay.

- Here.
- Thank you.

Yeah, don't... don't move too much.

- Don't get up.


Ah! Why don't you move
your foot, for God's sake?!

I'm so glad I ran into
you on this flight.

I'll call up Marty. We'll set up a game.

Yeah, yeah, we'll play.

Oh, you got up.

By the way, that's the first time
that you got up the entire trip.

That was a total bullshit
story about the bladder.

- I have a medical condition.
- Medical.

(MOCKING) You got a medical condition.

She's got a medical condition.

One day, you're... you're gonna
really have to go to the bathroom,

and no one's gonna let you.

I had to sit in the middle

the entire trip because of you!

Thank you.


Welcome back.

- Thank you.

Nice to be home. Is that your handiwork?

Fuck, no. I wouldn't do that shit.

You know what, that's not
gonna make me wash a car.

If anything, I'm not gonna wash it.

- I wouldn't wash it.
- Just to annoy this guy.

I assume it's a guy. A woman
wouldn't do something like that.

Ladies don't do that kind of shit.

Ladies bust windows out and slash tires

and key your car and shit.

"Wash me." This is what I'm gonna do.

- (CHUCKLES) I like that shit.
- Huh?

You like that? See the comma after "no"?

- No!
- That's good grammar.

- You wash me! You wash me!
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- I like that shit.

Hey, did you ever see
this movie "Arabesque"?

Nah. Is that one of
those "Star Trek" movies?

No, no. It's an old
movie with Sophia Loren.

- She's gorgeous.
- Is she naked in the movie?

No, it was... it was from the '60s.

Nobody... nobody got naked in the '60s.

She's gotta be naked in something.

Well, if you come across
anything, let me know.

You know I'ma look.

He refused to see the person?

He did not heed the call!

I don't know what happened on the plane,

but he's a great guy to play golf with.

Very surprising.

Do you care about the character

of people you play golf with

if they leave you alone on the course?

No, I'm happy to play with a reprobate

if he has a good personality

and I enjoy playing with him.

I'll play with reprobates.

- Yeah?
- Oh, really?

- Yes.
- You, Manson, Ramirez, and Hitler.

- That's a good foursome.
- If they play fast.

- If they play fast.
- I'd rather play with a fast Manson

than a slow Funkhouser,
I'll tell you that.

- Any day of the week.
- Yeah, you're a little slow.

I line my ball up, I look, I hit it.

Hey, Lar, did I tell you that we
hired a decorator for the new house?

I'm going up to meet her
Sunday in San Francisco.

Jeff, you're taking me
to the airport, 1:00.

Don't forget. Don't make any plans.

- Airport... oh, God.
- Why does he have to take you to the airport?

- He's gotta see me off.
- See you off?

You're not going to India.
You're going to San Francisco!

- It's an hour away.
- So what?

See you off? You'll be back that night.

You know what, Larry,
it's not surprising to me

that you're the only one of this
group who's here as a single...

- (CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah.
- ... with no girlfriend, no wife.

Maybe if you would've seen
Cheryl off a few more times,

- you'd still be together.
- I don't think so.

- He wants to, trust me.
- No, trust me, he doesn't.

- Jeff, do you want to?
- No.

- Well, you're going to.
- You know why you're doing this?

- Why, Larry?
- Because you wanna ruin his day, that's why.

SUSIE: Okay, Kreskin.
Could read my mind.

You think you know what goes on

in the complexities of my brain

and who I am.

- The complexities of who you are?
- Mm-hmm.

Who are you? You're
a Jew from the Bronx!

JEFF: I can't wait to see her off.

- I really like your friends.
- They're very lovely people.


Please do not sit on
the arm of the chair.

Dinner is served.

- Yeah, all right.
- SUSIE: Yay, yay.

- JEFF: Yeah!
- I like it.

- Did you fucking catch that?
- I caught it!

What the fuck?

Oh, oh, oh. Honey,
you forgot your drink.


SUSIE: Oh, Marilyn,
the table's gorgeous!

- Hey.
- Huh?

You ever called her honey before?

I doubt it. No.

How many dates have you been on?

- Two.
- Pssh!

You just gave a premature honey.

I gotta tell you something.

- A premature honey?
- Yeah.

Premature, too soon for honey.

Honey's way down the line.

You gotta spend a weekend together

or something in the country
before you can jump to honey.

I know what you're trying to do,

you're trying to jump
ahead with the relationship.

But it doesn't work. You got caught.

- You're blowing this way out of proportion.
- Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- She doesn't care, Dr. Phil.
- Okay.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

- I think you made a big mistake.
- Everything is cool, man.

Can I take a moment, please?

On behalf of my adorable new girlfriend,

thank you for a delicious dinner.

- Thank you for coming.
- Cheers.

RICHARD: Cheers. Prego.

Marty, cheers.

- MARTY: Health, happiness.
- So nice to meet you.

- Thank you for having us.
- MARTY: Yes, very nice.

- You can't clink, Larry?
- Why do I have to clink?

Because it's a custom that people do,

- which is friendly and nice.
- It's a stupid custom.

What does it mean, the clinking?

- Oh.
- RICHARD: Cheers.


You know, you pick up a knife
like this, a steak knife,

you get the urge...
I do... that I wanna...

I wanna stab... I wanna stab with it.

- Oh?
- JEFF: Really?

Yeah, 'cause you pick up a
baseball bat, you wanna swing it.

You pick up a tennis
ball, you wanna throw it.

When you have a... a knife,

you wanna stab, do you not?

- Yeah, a little bit.
- Huh? Know what they should have?

- RICHARD: What's that?
- A stabbing range.

- RICHARD: Get out of here.
- Yeah, a stabbing range where you can stab...

- stab dummies.

LARRY: You'd feel good. You'd feel good.

Where would the stabbing range be?

- In the Valley.

What do you think, Marilyn?

The knife... do you feel
like stabbing somebody?

Yeah, I feel like stabbing someone.

Hmm, interesting.

RICHARD: This is fantastic food.

- Thank you.
- It really is.

WOMAN: Yeah, I can never
get my potatoes like that.

- WOMAN: They're really good.

What is this, tap?

Yes, it is.

LARRY: No filter?

No filter. Tap water.

Huh, interesting.

Surprised you don't have a filter.

You have no filter.

- (CHUCKLES) Huh, that's... yeah.
- Isn't it obvious?

- That's true.
- You just say whatever comes into your mind.

You don't really modulate your
inner feelings at all, do you?

It's a good thing for me, but
it's a bad thing for water.

Excuse me, I smell something burning.

- Hmm?

Goldfish would commit
suicide in this water.

(SCOFFS) Yeah! Wha... how come you
didn't say that when she was there?

You know, I'm a guest. I don't know.

You're like Fred MacMurray
in "The Caine Mutiny"

when he and Van Johnson
go to see the admiral,

then Fred MacMurray gets
cold feet and he backs out.

That's a movie, this is real life.

In real life, you're
polite to your hostess.

Of course, you're polite.
And why wouldn't you be?

There's a hostess, and you have...

- JEFF: That's pretty good.

LARRY: Sure, sure, the water, the water.

By the way, I'm not the
only one who can't stand it.

Can't stand what?

Well, Marty likes my water.


- (MUFFLED) Very good.
- See?

You're really the only person

who has a problem with the water.

You know, it's just water.
What are you so sensitive about?

I want you to go.

(CHUCKLES) I'm getting kicked out?

- MARILYN: Yeah, I think...
- You're kicking me out?

Yeah, I think you should leave.

This is unbelievable. Okay.

Well, it was fun. We... we really...

- It was not fun.
- No, it wasn't.

I leave my knife

and I bid you adieu.




You guys, look! Ah!

- BOY: Hey, bald fuck!
- KIDS: Bald fuck!

Blow me, blow me!


LARRY: You wash it! You wash it!

Blow me, bald fuck!

Shut up! Shut up!

RICHARD: Oh, you were right, Larry.

I blew it with Rhonda.

I told you it was a premature honey.

And she's been cold ever since.

- Yeah, it was bad.
- I said honey.

- What's the big deal?
- I told them no mushrooms in this thing.

- I said no mushrooms, all right?
- I've lost a potential bride,

and you're talking about salad?

- I blew it.
- You saw... you saw a wife there

and you seized on it
with a honey, right?

- That's what you did.
- It was a seize.

- You seized.
- I did seize.

- You did seize.
- So, what do I do?

- I don't know.

Oh, great.

It's from Rhonda.

"We need to talk."

- Oh.
- I'm through.

You're done.

What ever comes good
after "we need to talk"?

- Nothing.
- You ever hear this? "We need to talk.

I'm taking you to Cancun."

- No, that's not happening.
- Is that gonna happen?

- No. No.
- That's not gonna happen.

- What do I do, man?
- SERVER: Can I get you a refill?

- Okay.
- What do I do?

I got an idea. Text her back.

Tell her to come meet
you at the restaurant.

- Why?
- When she comes in,

you start calling everybody honey.

- I do what?
- Call everybody honey...

the waitresses, the
manager, customers, everyone.

- Why?
- Because... 'cause you're a guy

who just uses the word honey a lot.

- You mean it's part of my working vocabulary?
- Yes! Yes!

And what would that mean to her?

That means that she's just
part of the honey parade.

- So, I just call everybody honey?
- You call everybody honey.

- I like the honey parade.
- Huh?

- All right, I'll have her come down.
- Yeah.

LARRY: There, she's
coming. There she is.

- Where?
- There.

- Oh, boy.
- Larry, I didn't know you were gonna be here.

- Hi!
- Hi.

Hi. Oh, hold on a second.

Honey, do you mind if I grab a chair?

- Thank you, honey.
- Oh, no, I don't... um, thanks.

I just... I could come back.

I just wanted to have just,
like, a quick conversation.

I don't wanna interrupt a whole thing.

No, you're not interrupting anything.

Excuse me, honey. Can I get...

- What... what do you want?
- Oh, I'll just have a coffee.

A black coffee, honey.

That's all you want? Are you hungry?

Uh, well, I wasn't planning
on staying that long,

- but maybe... maybe I'll get a sand...
- Oh, honey, right here.

- The coffee.
- Oh, thank you so much.

Honey, can you bring a
turkey burger and some fries?

Thanks, honey. Hey, hon!

You know, honey, can
we get an extra napkin?

Hey, could I get some coffee, honey?

- Mm-hmm.
- Honey? Honey?

Thank you, honey.

Could we get the check, honey?

Thank you, honey.

- Thank you.
- So, what did you wanna talk about?

Oh, just I'm free on Friday night now

and wanted to see if you
wanted to do something together.

Pick me up at work?
I'll be done around 8:00.

Then we'll have just one car.

- Uh, yeah.
- Great!

- Where do you work?
- Uh, I work at Neiman Marcus.

- Is that so?
- Yeah.

- Huh.
- I am a sales professional on the men's floor.

If you ever want any help, let me know.

Now that you mention it,

I could actually use a
couple of pairs of pants.

Call me anytime. Seriously, stop by.

- I'm going to.
- Great, give him my number.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Larry, it's great to see you.
- Good to see you again.

- Very good to see you, Larry.
- Always a pleasure.

Do you want me to leave
any money for this?

- Are you taking care of it? Okay.
- It's all right.

- It's all right.
- He's a good guy.

- To us.
- Oh! What do you wanna do on Friday?

Anything you want, honey.



You wanna go to the Rams
game on Sunday with Rob?

He's got extra tickets.

I'd love to go to the
Rams game on Sunday.

- Gotta take Susie to the airport.

She's ridiculous!

- All right, I got an idea.
- What?

Accidental text on purpose.

Please explain.

You're sending a text to me,

but it goes to her "by accident."

- Uh-huh.
- And in the text, you say,

"Hey, LD, I'd love to go to the game,

but I'm taking Susie to the airport.

I don't wanna disappoint her.

We're getting along so great."

- And it goes to her...
- It goes to her.

- ... but it was meant to you.
- Meant to me!

- Saying how great Susie is...
- How great Susie is.

- ... and how much I love her.
- Yeah.

You, sir, are an amazing man.

- I am texting Susie right now.
- Oh, here they are.

- Larry, Jeff.
- Hello.

- Thanks for letting me join you guys.
- Sure.

- Yeah.
- You should see this guy on the range.

- What's your handicap?
- 10.

- What are you?
- 15.

We should make it interesting,
play for some cheddar.

- Sure.
- Yeah? 200?

- Okay, you're on.
- Great.

I pick up a knife, I
have an urge to stab.

But it's a stupid thing
to say at a dinner table.

And then you made such a
deal over the goddamn filter.

- Terrible water.
- But you didn't have to say anything about it.

How could you not comment
on water that's so bad?

Okay, I've done everything
I can to get her back.

I sent her flowers... boom...
shredded on my doorstep.

I mean, I don't know what to do.

- Oh!
- Oh!


- Accidental text on purpose!
- Accidental text. Oh, my God.

- Tell him.
- Okay, here's what you do.

You send me a text,

but you accidentally
send it to her on purpose.

And in the text, you say something like,

"Hey, Larry, you were an
asshole the other night.

There's nothing wrong with her
water. It's perfectly okay."

Say anything you want. Curse
me, anything. I don't care.

Okay, I've never said
this to you before.

- Yeah.
- You're brilliant.

- Thank you, thank you.
- Right, right?!

I invented this. I invented this.

JEFF: He already did it for me.

"Dear Larry... "

- I can say anything I want!
- Anything!

"Larry, you were so out of line

the other night about the water."

- Yes!
- "If Marilyn didn't throw you out, I would've."

- MARTY: Perfect!

Damn it!

He's had some bad luck today.

JEFF: All right, there we go.

- LARRY: Oh, that's nice.
- MARTY: Here it comes.

- JEFF: All right.
- Hey, where do you lie?

Uh, four.

- MARTY: Look!

She texted me right back.

"I love you.

I know this is not meant for me.

What a great man to stick
up for me like that."

- Unbelievable.
- Thank you.

- Unbelievable.
- Huh?

- Brilliant!
- Get the flag, Jeff?


Well, you're playing great today.

No, I'm having a bad day.


- Oh!
- Beautiful!


- Is that a birdie?
- Beautiful.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, guys, I hate to do this.

I got a medical emergency.
I gotta get to Cedars.

- We only have three more holes.
- No, we got a medical emergency here.

Wait, wait. What are you talking about?

You owe me $200. Pay up.

It's an emergency. I'm a doctor.

You weren't a doctor on the plane.

I gotta go. A patient needs me.

Oh, boy, you're down
three with three to play.

Oh, so when you're losing money,
you heed the call, is that it?

You know what that is?

Selective heeding, that's what that is!

You didn't get any text anyway.

It was all bullshit!

- Enigma?
- What the fuck?!

- Whoa! Oh!

- Jesus Christ!
- God!

- Crazy!

It's just perfume.

... out of nowhere, right
in my face, spritzing me.

- They're the worst.
- Come on, what is that? What a violation.

You know what, they'll
usually go away, though,

if you just wave them away.

- Did you wave her away?
- Sort of, yeah.

Here, do you like this color?

- Yeah, yeah, that's good.
- Yeah.

- All right, let's try these.
- Okay.

By the way, I wanted to let you know

I was very impressed

that you said something
about the water the other day.

Well, thank you for saying so.

It's hard to, you know,
get in front of a group

and... and say what everyone's
thinking when it's uncomfortable.

You know, I had no problem.

Now, I got you 32 and 30.

- Okay.
- What do you wanna start with?

- Eh, 32.
- All right.

- Here's the 32.
- These look very nice, yeah.

All right.

Oh, okay.


LEON: Yeah, he's in the kitchen.

- Look who's here.
- Hey.

Oh, for God's sake.

Look at this.

My lace just broke.

You... and you know what, there's
no extra laces in the house.

Do you have extra laces in your house?

No, nobody does.

I don't know why people
don't stock up on them.

- They stock up on canned food.
- Hey, we got a problem.

Marilyn told me she
saw you in Neiman Marcus

- push the spritz girl.
- Of course I did.

What do you mean of course you did?

I got attacked and I pushed.

You don't push a spritzer lady!

You're out of your fucking mind!

It's a violation! You
don't just go up to people

and spritz them in the face like that.

It's a violation.

We have a very big problem now.

Marilyn is not happy with you.

You know what I gotta do now?

I gotta go through and rewind...

Let's hold on to that
thought for a minute, okay?

I think I could fix this.

Will you listen to me, please?

- You wet the end...
- I don't care about that.

... and you just do this.

Marilyn said to me

I have to make a choice.

It's either Larry David or Marilyn.

She gave you an ultimatum?

An ultimatum.

- Who'd you pick?
- I took Marilyn.

I would've made the same decision.

Let's face it, at this
point in our lives,

it's... it's not so easy to
find people to have sex with us.

LEON: Hey, vagina always wins.

I lost a brother to a vagina.

He's quite a feminist, isn't he?

Vagina got his ass.


So, if I run into you,
are you gonna talk to me

or is this... this is the last
words we're ever gonna exchange?

I can't talk to you
anymore. I'm gonna miss you.

So, when I see you at the
club dinner tomorrow night,

- no communication there whatsoever?
- She said to me,

"If you communicate with him, I'm gone."

Oh, hey, LD, that Sophia Loren. (KISSES)

- Whoo!
- You saw her movie?

Mm-hmm. "Marriage Italian Style."

- Three times.
- I told you, right?

- Gorgeous.
- Gorgeous. Fuckin' beautiful.

Yeah. Oh, jeez.

Ugh, my pants are ready.

Now I gotta go see that Rhonda.

- Something up with that girl.
- Mm-hmm.

This woman likes me. Lewis's date.

- How do you know?
- Well, she was quite taken

with my water stance the other night

and she wouldn't get
out of the dressing room

- when I... when I was changing.
- She likes you.

Yeah, and I gotta go back there
tomorrow to pick up my pants.

- You gonna hit it?
- No, I'm a loyal friend.

When women give me an ultimatum,

"Who are you gonna
choose, me or your friend?"

I say, "I'm gonna choose my friend."

- That's it.
- Why do you have to do this?

You dumped me. You
chose somebody over me.

- I didn't dump anyone.
- Okay.

I'm trying to say goodbye and end this.

Okay, goodbye.

See ya. See ya, Leon.

- All right, get out.
- Don't keep talking.

- You're standing there.
- I'm leaving.

- Okay, well, go.
- Okay, I'm gonna leave.

- I'm waiting.
- We're not playing last word.

- No.
- One, two, three.

- Bye.
- Bye.


- One, two, three.
- BOTH: Bye...

- "Ay."
- No, don't do that.

BOTH: Goodbye.


- Hey, Larry.
- Hey.

I got your pants. You're all paid for.

Oh, great, great.

All right, now we just try them on.

- Come on.
- Oh, um,

I... I don't need to try them on.

- I can just, you know.
- Larry, you gotta try them on.

They got shortened. We
gotta see if they're...

That's not necessary.
I'll just take them.

It's just gonna take a
minute. We'll be good.

I actually changed my mind
about... I didn't want the pants.

These pants look amazing on you.

- Come on.
- It's not really necessary.

- I don't need to try on the pants...
- - Larry, you're trying on pants.


I think these lay great.

- Do you like that break on your sneaker?
- Yeah. Yeah.

- I think that looks good.

I think it's pretty...
oh, excuse me, I'm sorry.

We have a new tailor.
He does amazing work.


RHONDA: I think that looks pretty good.

Yeah, yeah.

And the hem is right.

I think that looks good.


Oh, my God!

- Oh!
- Larry!

- Oh! Oh, I'm... no!
- Oh!

(STAMMERING) No! That's not from you.

That... that's from Sophia Loren.

Why was it in my face?

Because it was an accident!
It was an accidental erection.

- What?
- It was an accident.

No, an accident is tripping on a step,

and then also the Titanic going down.

Yeah, but just the way the Titanic
went down, this thing went up.

It's the same... it's the same
thing. They're both accidents.

So, you're saying your
penis is like the Titanic?

In a manner of speaking, yes. I
think they're... they're comparable.

This is... this is
really unprofessional.

- I'm very uncomfortable right now.
- Oh, this is unprofessional?

You think I'm comfortable when
you're standing in the dressing room

when I'm changing my pants?

It's called a concierge service.

I've never heard of
that before in my life.

I'd like you to leave, Larry.

- I'll go, yeah.
- Yeah.

Okay. May... may I have my pants?


You know, I gotta say,
the waist is a little big.

Get out.

I'll wear them with a
belt. I'll put a belt on.

- What's the score?



(SCOFFS) This Dr. Winocur
I was telling you about?

So, get a load of this.

"Hi, Mrs. Downing, it's Dr. Winocur.

Even though I had to cut
my round of golf short,

I'm glad I saw you the other day.

Be sure to take all the
medicine as I prescribed it."

- Another accidental...
- BOTH: Text on purpose.

- Wow. Unbelievable.
- Unbelievable.

This is some doctor.

They should take this
guy's license away.

He was on a plane, there was an
emergency, he didn't help out.

Person fucking choking,
having pains in their chest,

- you get the fuck up.
- You've sworn to a Hippocratic Oath.

Sworn to it. Get the fuck
up. Unless they got diarrhea

or some shit like that.
If they announced that,

"Hey, we've got a
passenger who has diarrhea

and it's uncontrollable and
it's all over the fucking place,"

I can see the person sitting
there and, "Actually, fuck that.

I don't feel like dealing
with diarrhea right now."


MARTY: I think you're
gonna have a good time.

MARILYN: I hope so. (LAUGHS)

MARTY: I like that outfit
you wore. I really do.

There's Larry.

Just go inside. Ignore him.
Do not give him attention.

Ignore him? That's a 14-foot-long cock.


- RICHARD: Hey, pervert.
- Hey.

So you get an erection in
the dressing room with Rhonda.

- How lovely.
- No, Leon sent me a video

of an old Sophia Loren
movie from the '60s,

and that's what caused it.
Rhonda had nothing to do with it.

- Leon sent you a movie...
- Yes, yeah.

You know how these things happen.

- They... they just occur.
- Oh, they just occur?

Just like you drew a giant
cock on the side of your car.

He drew a penis on my car?

- Fuckin' A...
- My God!

... it's 12 feet long.

- This guy's unbelievable.
- Who? What guy?

I don't know. I'm having
a fight with this guy.

He's drawing stuff on my car, messages.

He's telling me to wash it, and...

Oh, I don't know what
you're fucking talking about.

- Now he drew a penis...
- What, did you co-write "Alice in Wonderland"?

- You're a fucking nutcase.
- Oh, you think I'm making that up?

You think I go around
drawing penises on my car?

- I'd have to be in Bellevue.
- She gave me an ultimatum.

It's either you or her.

Funkhouser's girlfriend
did the same thing.

I know. Everybody has
heard about it, believe me.

Who'd you choose?

- I chose her.
- Huh.

So, listen, just stay
away from my girlfriend.


Oh, dear. Premature girlfriend.

- Oh, no, I know... no, no, no.
- Listen, Richard,

you know what, I think we're just
looking for other things right now.

I call everybody girlfriend.
It's a thing of mine.

Hi, girlfriend. Girlfriend, hi.

Honey! Honey, come on.

- Please, come on.
- Oh, this is nice.

Oh, well, well.

- Look who's here.
- NATHAN: Hey, Larry.

- You remember Bebe.
- Hi.

- Oh, my, hi. Who could forget Bebe?
- Good to see you.

We hit it off at baggage claim.

You hit it off at baggage claim.

- What a beautiful story.
- NATHAN: Yeah.

By the way, I got that, uh,
"accidental text" you sent me.

I didn't send you a text.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I
think you know you did.

- Oh, I sent one to Laura Downing.
- Oh, yeah.

- Larry David.
- David. The Ds.

- Yeah, yeah.
- They're very close, they...

Yeah, it was an accident,
Larry. Trust me, please.

- And, Bebe...
- Mm-hmm.

I would be remiss if I didn't
inquire about your condition.

You know, every day is a struggle.

- Mmm.
- But today, I'm doing good, thank you.

Good to hear.

Are you sure that was
an accidental text?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Are you sure you have
a bladder condition?

- Yeah, I'm sure.



- Come on, Bebe.
- Yeah.

- MAN: Welcome, everyone.

Thank you for coming to celebrate

Tip McDougal's 25 years on the links.

- We're gonna start in just a couple minutes,

so, uh, you know, have a drink,

relax, make yourself comfortable.

We'll be back in just a couple.

- Hey, everyone.
- Hey!

So, what the fuck with
the penis on your car?

I don't know. I think
somebody on my block drew it.

- JEFF: Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- That is so inappropriate.
- Oh, God.

SUSIE: Hi, Richie.

- Hey.
- How you doing?

- Where's Rhonda?
- She left.

Huh. You did the premature girlfriend.

You can't say "girlfriend"

until you've dated
somebody 12, 15 times.

Yeah. Marilyn, am I
right? It's gotta be...

Yeah, yeah. Ah.

Hey, Funk Man, would you, uh...

would you mind passing
the bread this way?

Would you mind asking
Marty to pass the bread?

Marty, please pass me
the bread. I'm famished.

Marilyn, just for tonight,

would... could you give him an exemption

from the no-talking
rule that you've imposed?

- No.
- Just for tonight so we can all have some fun.

- No.
- We're at the same table...

Exemption denied.


Hey, this is fun, huh?

I'm having the time of my life.

(MUFFLED) This is really a blast.

Too bad we're gonna have to leave early.

I gotta pack. San Francisco.

And Jeff's driving me
to the airport, you know.

- Think I was gonna buy that bullshit accidental text?

(MOCKING) "Oh, I love my wife so much

and... and I'll miss the football game."

You think I bought that
"accidental text on purpose"?

What... what is an
accidental text on purpose?

You send somebody a text,

pretending it to be to somebody else

so they think they're
reading a private text.

But, really, what they're trying to do

is give you the information

that they want to manipulate you with.

- It's bullshit.
- Huh.

Did you send me an
accidental text on purpose?


You did. That was a bullshit text.

MARTY: I... I don't remember that.

Do you like my water?

I... you know, I really don't...
I don't remember doing that.

Do you like my water?

I can't stand your water.

I can't... I don't
even know what to say.

It's like I took a straw
and put it in a frog's ass.

It makes me sick!

I wanna barf every time I get near it.

I can't stand the smell,
I can't stand the color,

and I cannot stand the taste.

I can't take it anymore!

You know what, talk to him all you want.

Wow, you're the only guy at this table

that could hold on to a woman.


- Thank you, everyone, for coming tonight

to honor Tip McDougal and
his lovely wife, Nancy.

(CHUCKLES) We're losing a beloved
member of the Ocean View family.

- ALL: Aw.
- Tip, we'll miss you.

But in retirement, maybe Tip will
finally be able to play some golf.

- We had so many great times with Tip

and some rough ones, too.

But he was mostly on the fairway.

I remember one time on the
18th hole, he had knocked...

Larry, I hate to even bother you
with this, but I'm on in two minutes.

This guy just took my
joke. Can you help me out?

What are you talking about?
This is a comedy emergency.

- I'm off duty.
- Why won't you help me?

You didn't heed the call on the plane.

You welched on a $200 bet.

You sent me an accidental
text on purpose.

I invented the accidental text, okay?

Yeah, go back to your
table. Get out. Go back.

And, you...

You've been drinking water all night,

haven't made one trip to the bathroom.

Not one trip. I've been clocking you.

Sir. Sir! I have a condition.

Yeah, you have a condition, all right.

You're a psychopath
who uses a weak bladder

to take advantage of people.

But first, the funniest
doc on the links,

- Dr. Nathan Winocur.

MAN: Come on up here.

You're gonna love this guy.


Larry. Hey. It's Dave.

- Oh! Hey.
- Three houses down.

- How are you?
- Yeah, yeah, good, good.

It's really good to see you here, Larry.

Yeah, good... good to see you.

Yeah. I love the car wash.

- Oh, my God, yeah.
- Right?

It's just endlessly
fascinating, you know?

It comes down on a conveyer,

the brushes, the water.

- You feel like you wanna go through it.
- That's right.

- You know?
- That's exactly right.

I look at a dirty car, Larry,
and I feel sorry for it.

It's almost like it's screaming out,

"Wash me!

Wash me."

- Good to see you, Larry.
- Yeah.