Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 9, Episode 5 - Thank You for Your Service - full transcript

Larry meets Jeff's future son in law and fails to be suitably patriotic. Larry tries to reset his relationship with his mail carrier and security guard.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -

Oh, shoot. Here we go.

- Good morning, Mr. David.
- Good morning, Sal.

- What a great day for golf, huh?
- Yeah.

And it's happening, Mr. David.

- Oh, yeah?
- It's happening.

- Oh.
- Right over at Will Rogers Park.

There's going to be a reenactment

of the Revolutionary War,

which I partake in every year.

You would not believe some
of the people they have.

- No kidding, yeah.
- I'm going to be a redcoat.

Interesting. You're going
to be in the British army?

I don't have a great British accent,

- but tell me if you think this one works.
- Yeah. Okay.

I'm thinking of two different kinds.

Tell me which one you like better.

"Oi, is that... Move that gun over here.

- And get ready. We're going."
- Yeah. Yeah.

- That's kind of a... a Cockney.
- That's Cockney, yeah.

But I don't know if that's what they do.

I think, more often, it's a... they...

"Gentlemen, strike the
flagstaff deep, Sir Knight."

they're both pretty good.

They're good, so I... it's
gonna be a remarkable day for me.

Get in there and play some great
golf today, okay, Mr. David?

Oh, sir, you may find the main lot full.

- Okay.
- Okay? You may find it full.

- You can...
- I got it, yeah.

[MUFFLED] You can... if you like,

you can just take...
Make a right over here.

Right turn, got it.

- Okay, yeah.
- Go to the bottom of the hill.

- I think you'll find some open.
- Okay, yeah.

Have a great day.

Fairways and greens,
Mr. David. Don't forget.

LARRY: So, every time I come in,

it's a whole conversation.

The worst mistake I ever made was

rolling down that window,
just to be nice!

And it's been going on
for months and months.

And now, I'm in this cycle that never ends.

Once the window goes
down, it cannot go back up.

- RICHARD: That's right.
- You are stuck.

I'm the only one in the
club who talks to this guy.

I guarantee you. Do you talk to him?

Not for nine months. He's annoying as hell.

I really would love to
reset the whole relationship

so I could just drive up,
wave, and be on my way.

I think it's a big bowl of too late.

You're on your own.


I wish ill things on him so I
don't have to do this anymore.

It's a terrible thought,
but that's what I think.

By the way, where's my
John Adams biography?

I lent it to you about six weeks ago.

Yeah, so sorry.

For what reason do you want it back?

Just to what, to impress people?

Well, I impressed myself
first that I finished it.

- It's a big book. It's a fat book.
- Did you?

- Yes.
- Did you finish it?

Of course I finished it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- It was fantastic.
- It was, huh?

- Who knew about all this stuff?
- Yeah.

Thomas Jefferson, and the arguing,

- and the White House, and...
- I'm gonna posit this.

I don't think you read
it in the first place.

- What is this, "Dragnet"?
- I don't think you read it.

- I read the inside flap.
- Okay, you read the flap.

- Good, you read the flap.
- I'll make sure he gets it back to you.

- Good afternoon, gentlemen.
- Hi.

I see you've had a chance
to take a look at the menu.

We do have one addition today.

It is a Dover sole sautéed
in a lemon butter sauce.

What are you getting?

I'm gonna get the beet
and goat cheese salad.

- The Vietnamese pho.
- How do they prepare the Dover sole?

- What did you say, sautéed?
- It's sautéed in a lemon butter sauce.

- Do you think they would broil it?
- I could ask.

Okay, look, ask, but if the chef
makes a face of any kind, okay,

just tell him to forget it and sauté it.

- I understand.
- Okay, thank you.


RICHARD: Thanks.

I cannot stay long.

I have to go suit shopping with my daughter

and my soon-to-be
son-in-law for the wedding.

Yeah, his daughter Sammi's getting married.

You're kidding me. Congratulations.

- What kind of guy is he?
- He served in the war in Afghanistan.

- And, uh...
- Wow.

- Yeah.
- RICHARD: Is he okay?

No PTSD. He's one of the lucky ones.

I asked the chef to broil the sole,

and he didn't make much of a face.

Didn't make much of a face.

What kind of face is not much of a face?

Well, he can be a bit inscrutable,

but I wouldn't describe it
as much of a face at all.

Hmm. I'd like to see that face.

What did... Show it to me.

I asked the chef if he
could broil the sole,

and he went... [SIGHS]

[SIGHS] Like that?

- Well, that's not much of a face.

- No.
- Okay.

- I'll get it... I'll get it broiled.
- All right.

- Hey, guys.
- LARRY: All right, thank you so much.

- Hey, Larry. Hold on.
- Okay.

- How are you, Larry?
- Hey, Ken.

- How you doing?
- LARRY: Good.

- Hey, Ken.
- How are you guys?

His wife just had a baby.

- Oh, the baby!
- Yeah.

- You got a picture?
- Boom. There you go.

Wow! Oh! Beautiful!

- KEN: Huh?
- Lucky man.

- Thank you so much.
- Ah.

My greatest treasure.

You know, she looks a little Asian.

Um, wha-what do you... What does that mean?

She has a look... a little
Asian look about her.

That's... that's weird. It's
a strange thing to say, Larry.

Why? What's the big deal?

What are you getting
at, is all I'm asking.

'Cause most people would just
say, first, she's beautiful.

I'm saying that, you know, she
just has a slight Asian look to her.

I feel like you're maybe
saying something's...

Something's off about her.

I'm not saying... Something's on about it.

It's good. It's a good thing.

- Uh-huh.
- That's a compliment.

- In what way?
- Huge.

- How so?
- She's exotic.

I... I wish I looked a little Asian.

Look, I just wanna walk away.

Can you just... Just take it back

so we can just put this behind us?

I can apologize for offending you,

but I can't take back the remark.

I just want you to say,

"This was my fault. I apologize."

And then I can move on.

It's my fault for offending you.

I apologize. But she
does look a little Asian.

- Okay, goodbye.

- RICHARD: We all think she's gorgeous.
- I'm... I'm sorry, Ken.

I'm sorry. It's a cute baby,
but she does look a little...

you didn't think she looked a little Asian?

She looked a little Asian.


- Who's there?
- WOMAN: U.S. Postal Service.


Mr. David? I need a signature.

Are you, uh... Are you the new mailman?

- Mailwoman?
- Mail carrier.

- Huh, okay. Mail carrier.
- Yeah.

Great. I will take this.

- You will take these.
- All right. Okay.

And I will take my pen.

- Oh, yeah.
- Thank you.

- People, they steal pens a lot.
- They really do, don't they?

- I bet you lose a lot of those...
- - I have a truck full of 'em.

I haven't talked to a mailman in a long...

Mail carrier in a long time.

I remember in my building
in Brooklyn growing up,

the women, they used to
flirt with the mailmen.

They'd come down in the
morning with their shmatas.

- You know, it was...
- What's a shmata?

A shm... it's a... like,
a disgusting house dress.

- It's... they're hideous.
- Oh, boy. Oh.

You know, my mother used to encourage me

to work in the post
office when I was younger

'cause she didn't think I
could amount to anything.

And look what happened.

And that's not to say that you
couldn't amount to anything.

[CHUCKLES] But, you know,
she felt that way about me

'cause she wanted me to have

the security of a job,
that's all, you know.

And she thought it would be easy for me.

Not that it's easy, but she
thought it'd be easy for me,

because it's not that much doing.

You bring mail, you drop it off.

She thought I could do this.

Uh, yeah. Anyway, you
could do me a big favor.

Not big, small favor.

I... I don't wanna taint the favor.

- It's a small favor.
- Okay.

Is Richard Lewis on your route? He must be.

Richard... two blocks over?

Yes. Have you been to
his house yet today?

Not yet. No.

Could you drop a book off for me?

I absolutely could.

You'd need to package
it up and put on a stamp.

Look, I could do that.

I mean, the idea is
that you're going there.

Why not just drop the book
off, do me a little favor?

It's a little favor. It's nothing.

I'm pretty sure the U.S. government

would consider that free
mail, which is kind of illegal.

Don't be such a stickler. Why
are you being such a stickler?

It's just...

Do you think that's a good quality, stickling?

- Don't stickle. Don't be a stickler.
- Don't be a stickler?

No. You know what, if you
were going on a computer date,

one of those things, and you put down

"stickler," nobody would call you.

Well, it might be why I'm still single.


SUSIE: Hey, Jeff, did you tell
Lewis about our new kitchen?

- No, I did not.
- In the new house?

Richie, it is massive, this new kitchen.

I mean, it is just magnificent.

You, especially, are
going to appreciate it.

- I can't wait, honey.
- Why are you especially?

- I have no fucking idea.
- LARRY: Yeah, I...

Can I just say something? It
was a genius idea to start with.

- Oh, fantastic.
- You know, for a married man, a Realtor?

- Come on, man. The best.
- Oh, Jeff,

can you go to the basement and
get me a couple bottles of wine?

A red and a white, please?

Could I? Well, I think I could.

I think I could.

Thank you.

Hey, did you get the book?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, the mailwoman, wow!

She's gorgeous.

I'm thinking of making a move.

- On the mailwoman?
- I don't care what she does.

No profession's off-limits
to me if a woman's attractive.

All men are like that. We
don't care about what they do.

We care about what they look
like. Women are just the opposite.

I think you might be right.

I dated a garbagewoman. And we'd shower.

- You dated a garbagewoman?
- We had a shower, that was the only thing.

Yeah, she was great and smart
but she needed the money.

She had a couple of kids.

I never even saw a garbagewoman in my life.

You make up this story to me
about fucking a garbagewoman?

- The story would be this...
- That's really odd to me

that you would make up this story for what?

- No, here's a fact...
- So I would think

That you fucked a garbagewoman?
Why do you want me to think that?

- I didn't see her as a garbagewoman.
- SUSIE: Hey, Lar?

All right, we're done. Yeah.

- Hey, Lar, eat something.
- Hey.

- Are these washed?
- Of course.

What are you... what kind of
question is that to ask me?

- They look a little sticky.
- They're washed and organic.

Hey, I got the wedding invite.

- No, you didn't.
- I didn't?

No, that was a save the
date. That was not the invite.

I haven't even had them printed yet.

- Save the date?
- Yeah.

Are you serious? That's so stupid.

Larry, everybody saves dates.

I don't save dates.

The whole system's screwed up.

You don't need to send me something

to tell me you're gonna send
me something, just send it.

If I'm saying something
to you, I don't say to you,

"I'm gonna say something
to you," and then say it.

I just say it.

This is the way things
are done, okay, asshole?

You're gonna come, and
you're gonna enjoy it!

All right. Watch this.

- Terrific.
- Ta-da!

- Unbelievable.
- [CHUCKLES] Ta... come on.

- Ah, look who's here! The happy couple.
- Hi, everybody.

- Mrs. Greene.
- Oh, my baby.

- Hi, Mom.
- [KISSES] Victor, my boy.

- How you doing? How you doing?

Okay, so this is our friend, Richard Lewis.

- Thank you for your service, bro.
- Oh, thank you. Thank you.

And our neighbors, Leslie and John.

What a hero you are.
Thank you for your service.

Oh, thank you. The real
heroes are still there,

- but I appreciate that.
- Thank you for your service.

- Thank you.
- You have a grateful nation.

And this is our friend, Larry.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Nice to meet you.

Um, yeah, it's, uh... [CHUCKLES]

You know what? Um, I'm gonna excuse myself.


- Victor.
- Huh? What... what's...?

You didn't thank him
for his service, asshole.

They thanked him. Three people thanked
him. Why do I have to thank him?

Fuck, how hard would it have
been? "Thank you for your service."

Does everybody have to
thank him for his service?

Now you've ruined everything, Larry.

I'm making all this delicious salmon,

and the whole night is ruined.

- Are you sautéing that?
- Yes.

Would you mind broiling mine?

- That a face?
- Get the fuck out. Leave.

Hmm. Okay.

- Thank you for serving the hors d'oeuvres.
- Out!

Um, thank you for being
a very good manager.

Thank you for coming over
in this brisk weather.

Thank you for leaving!

LARRY: Must be a lot of work
carrying the mail bag around.

You know what you could use?

You could use a caddy on the route.

- I would love a mail caddy.
- Right?

- They carry the mail for you.
- Yes!

'Cause you walk as much as I do
on a golf course.

- And you're, you know, you're carrying...
- Probably more.

- I have a caddy.
- I would love a mail caddy.

It'll give you instructions.
"Okay, go up the path,

make a right, you know,
watch out for the dog."

- Yeah.
- I'll mail caddy for you.

- Would you?
- Yeah.

Just talk to the U.S. government.

I think your mom would be so proud.

All right, so what do you want again?

Do you want the... Did you say Milk Duds?

- Milk Duds, Reese's Pieces...
- Really?

...Junior Mints, popcorn... big popcorn.

- And we'll mix them all together. It's...
- We'll what?

Oh, it's... it's like the perfect bite.

It's, like, a little
sweet and a little salty.

- The textures...
- What are you mixing sweet and salty for?

They're... They're in conflict.

No, they're in cahoots.

I don't want Reese's Pieces in my popcorn.

It's the perfect movie treat, I promise.

Do you have the tickets?

Oh, yeah. Here you go.

Oh, hey, thanks. All right.

- I'll get a seat.
- Eh, get me an aisle.

- Thank you.
- Okay.


Jean? Jean?


- Jean?

Jean? Jean?

- Jean?
- MAN: Shh.

[WHISPERS] Yeah, okay, okay.

Sorry, sorry.

- Jean?
- MAN: Shh.

Jean? Jean? Jean!

I'm right here. I'm here.

Oh, there you are. Great.

Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.

Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me.

- You're so loud.
- I'm so loud?

I don't understand. I've been
looking for you for five minutes.

- How come you didn't beckon?
- Why didn't... why didn't I beckon?

Yes, you beckon. You knew I
was coming into the theater.

You gotta wave. You gotta go
like this so I can see you.

Just look around. I'm right here.

You... I can't see
anything from down there.

I'm not gonna make a scene.

Oh, who's telling you to make a scene?

Just wave. Beckon.
Beckon. You gotta beckon.

- That's making a scene.
- Beckoning is not making a scene.

Making a scene is calling
out the name Jean 10 times.

- MAN: Would you shut up?
- You shut up.

Didn't have to call out my name.

I did because I couldn't find you.

- All you had to do was look.
- I did look.

What the fuck is going on here?


Okay, well, guess I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah, yeah, you're delivering.


You know what?

I think we ought to go back

to our previous relationship
of homeowner and mailwoman.

'Cause I gotta tell you, I have a very

difficult time dating
somebody who I'm seeing

on a daily basis... with
you... Like, six times a week.

You know, I've gotta psych myself
up for dates. It's a big performance.

I gotta shower and shave
and prepare witticisms,

and, you know, it's...
It's a whole thing, and...

Is this what you did for tonight?

Did you prepare witticisms for tonight?

Yeah, that whole thing about the
made-up Jewish holiday "Shecooktus,"

that was all... that was
prepared beforehand, yeah.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

If you... if you're working for UPS

and I saw you maybe two times a week,

that would be... That would be fine.

But I... I have to see
you six times a week.

So, I'd love to hit the reset
button and just, you know,

we go back to, uh, homeowner-mailwoman.


- Why not... wha... no?
- No.

What, you feel we're beyond resetting?

- Yeah, I think we are.
- Why?

- Why?
- Yeah, you reset.

- Let's hit the button.
- I don't think I can do that.

No, we hit the... We hit the big button.

You can't just press a button.

You can't just press a button.

Why... why not?

That a face?

- What was it?

What did the face mean?


Good... Good night.


- Mr. David.
- Hey, Sal.

What ever happened to rabbit ears?

I can't tell you how many
times my cable has gone down

right in the middle of
one of my favorite shows.

- Really?
- Has that ever happened to you?

It's one of those things.

You're sitting, you're enjoying,

you've got a nice little
cup of coffee made,

you're ready to enjoy the
news, a little TV show...

Boom, what happens?

The cable goes down.

- Sal, Sal.
- Isn't that horrible?

[STAMMERING] We can't do this anymore.

Do what, sir?

I'd like to hit the reset
button on our relationship

and... and go back to the way it was

before I ever put the window
down and started talking.

You know, just drive in with the
window up, wave, and... and move on.

- You know, like everybody else.
- You don't enjoy our conversations?

No, I wouldn't say I
don't enjoy them, but...

- I haven't upset you in any way...
- No, I'm just...

- I'm very anxious to play...
- I don't mean to be forward, sir.

No, no, no, it's nothing like that at all.

- I just like to get to the golf course.
- Yes, of course.

- You want to play with your friends.
- Yeah. Yeah.

I understand exactly what
you're saying, Mr. David.

- I'm excited to play, and I can't...
- Well, you can be excited.

- You won't have me to worry about anymore.
- I'm not...

I'm not worried about... It wasn't that.

Come on, d-don't be mad.

- I'm not mad, sir.
- I mean, I'll still drive by.

I'll still see you with the window up,

and... I'll see you with
the window up and I'll wave,

you know, the way... The way it used to be.

Good. [SNIFFS]

Good day, mister.

Eh. Ah.



I'm sorry.

Listen, I guess, I don't
wanna keep harping on it,

but Victor is so obsessed.

I won't even say hurt. He's obsessed

with you not thanking
him for his service.

- It really makes him nuts.
- There's something about the expression

that I can't quite get it out of my mouth.

'Cause remember, he loves "Seinfeld,"

was so looking forward
to spending time with you.

- He just wanted you to...
- Wow, really? My God.

- Just acknowledge the guy.
- Is there anything I can do?

Should I take him out to lunch?

[SCOFFS] You know that Sal

at the gate, the security guard?

- Mm-hmm.
- He does this, um,

Revolutionary War reenactment stuff.

There's one coming up

- right here at Will Rogers.
- Okay.

Do you have any idea how
big that would be for him?

I've heard him talk about those things.

- Really?
- Yes. He's never gone.

He will love it! Oh, my
God, would he love it.

W-we'll do... we'll dress up as soldiers.

- You dress on up.
- I'd love to.

So it is a good thing
you lowered your window.


Sir, Mr. Takahashi would
like a word with you.


Well, send him my best.

This can't be good.

Ah, hey, Chef Curtis.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi. You got a second?

Uh, sure.

Do you remember the other day,

uh, a waiter asked if you would

broil the sole?

- Yeah, that's, um... yep.
- Remember that?

And I'm wondering when he
asked you that question,

did you... did you make
a face, by any chance?

I may have made a small face,
probably. Sure.

You made a small face?

Would you mind showing me that face?

- I'd love to see it.
- It's... I don't...

- I don't think that's... mm.
- I'd love... I'd love to see the face.

Eh, nobody's watching. Come
on, make a face, make a face.

[SIGHS] It was probably something like...


- Really?
- Yeah, that's...

[STAMMERING] You did a semi-horse whinny?

I... I mean, if you
wanna call it that, sure.

Wow, that's a pretty strong reaction.

Well, it was a strong request.

- Was it?
- Yeah.

You know, I prepare it the way I prepare it

- because it's better.
- I gotta tell you something.

That's not the face that
the waiter presented to me.

The face that was presented
to me was more like...

- I don't...

No, I would never make that face.

That face doesn't even
communicate anything.

[BLOWING BREATH] What's that?

Well, maybe... maybe
it was more... [EXHALES]

[BLOWS BREATH] No, that's... I don't...

It was definitely an expulsion...

There was an expulsion
of air, I'm sure. [BLOWS]



- That doesn't seem close.

- Not close?
- No, it doesn't seem close.

All right, so, anyway, I want to apologize.

Had I known that you made a
horse whinny with an eye roll,

I never would've told you to broil it.

- I made a face, so...
- Oh, you know what?

Well, yes, look, there he is right here.

I'm gonna go talk to him. Hey.

So, uh, remember the other day,

you made the face the,
uh... the chef made for me?

I remember.

Yeah, well... [CHUCKLES]

I gotta say, you weren't even...

not even close.

Massively undersold it.

What are you talking about?

The chef said that he went like this...


- No.
- That's nothing like what you did.

No, when I went back to him, I
said, "Can you broil the sole?"

And he said... [BLOWS BREATH]

And I came back and I
showed you... [BLOWS BREATH]

No, the chef went... [SPUTTERS]

- with an eye roll and...
- I mean, he looked up.

- I don't think it was an eye roll.
- It was definitely an eye roll.

Shh. He went... [BLOWS BREATH]

Not even... not even
that. He went... [EXHALES]


No. According to him,
he was... [SPUTTERING]

No. I went in, and I said, "Can
you broil it?" He said... [BLOWS]

I said... and then I came back
to you and I said... [BLOWING]




All right, well, it's a
little confusing, I must say.

I brought you exactly what he gave me.

It's a clash of faces.

- Enter.

You wanna see me, Mr. Takahashi?

- Yes.
- Close the door?




so, what is the nature of the summons?

It has been brought to my attention

that you have disgraced

Ken Carmen and his wife, Shelly.

Oh, no.

I made a comment about their child.

I said it looked a little Asian,

and it does look a little Asian.

So what? It's a compliment...


We will decide what
punitive action to take.

Punitive action? Why? Wh-why?

Expect a letter soon.

- Soon?
- Yes.

A day? Two days? Four days?

Everybody know what "soon" is.

I don't know what "soon" is.

Soon is soon.

- Soon is not soon.
- Soon is soon.

Soon is not soon.

Soon is when I say it is.

All right, I'll expect a
letter in a couple of days

unless you tell me otherwise right now.



Hey, did you get the mail today?

- Haven't seen any mail.
- Did you check the box?

Twice. No mail.

- Haven't seen any mail in three days.


Hello. Who is it?

Hey. Did, uh... Did you get mail today?

Of course I got the mail today.

- Why? What's wrong?
- [SIGHS] Fuck!

All right, thanks.

Damn it!


We're not getting mail.

The mailwoman has stopped delivering

since... Since our date.

Had the same situation
with a girl at Burger King.

Haven't had a Whopper
in fucking three years.

Yeah. You can't go back there, right?

I know, you can't... You can never go out

with somebody you have
contact with on a daily basis

or weekly basis or yearly basis.

You can only date people you don't know

and you'll never, ever see.

She has a route to do.
She fucking delivers mail.

She has a fucking route
she gotta fucking hit.

There's also... there's
also a post office credo.

They should put "spite" in there.

"Neither rain nor snow nor heat nor spite

shall keep these couriers."

That'd be cool, but that's
not how this shit work.

You hit the fucking reset button.

I wanted to go back to...
To just her delivering mail

and, uh, me saying hello.

Now look at us, no fucking mail.

You know how much shit I
got coming to this house?

- What?
- I got my CD of the Month Club...

I'm not getting my fucking CDs...

My DVDs, all kinds of shit comes here.

Yeah, you know what I got? I
got a letter from Mr. Takahashi,

who I'm waiting for, and...
And I'll never get it now.

And now I don't know if
I'm in the club or not.

So, next time you tap that ass...

I didn't tap... I didn't tap any ass.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Wait a minute.

You didn't tear that ass up?


- Just a fucking date?
- That's it.

You didn't hit it?

And you going through the
same shit if you had hit it?

Nope, nope. I didn't
hit it, I didn't tap it,

I didn't tear into it,
and we still get no mail.


Hey, Sal!

Hey, Sal, put the gate up?

I'm expecting this letter from the club,

but I had a fight with my mailwoman,

so I'm not getting any mail,

and I just wanted to go find out about,

uh, what... what the
letter was all about, so.

You're supposed to get a letter?

Yeah, but the mailwoman
wouldn't... wouldn't deliver it.

And why is that, Mr. David?

Uh, I hit the... The reset button.

- Oh, that button. Yeah.
- Yeah.

You've hit that before, haven't you, sir?

Unfortunately, Mr. David, you...

are at the very top of
the do not admit list.

- You're kidding!
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, Sal.
- It's the truth.

- Huge misunderstanding here.
- Let me double-check.

No, you're completely forbidden
from entering the premises.

You're not gonna open the gate?

You're on our list, sir.

You know what, I was the only one
in this club who ever spoke to you.

Sir, please back out.

I regret every conversation
I had to sit through.

So unbelievably boring...

- Do I need to call security?
- about your fucking cat...

I will call security or I
will deal with you myself, sir.

Not one person spoke to you except me.

And now I'm being punished for it?

Sir, you can back out, please.

10 years I came up here,
I put the window down.

I talked to you, and I was suffocating

from the bullshit and drivel

that was coming out of your mouth...

Back out your car, please.

And don't bump into the
speaker on your way out.

- Fine.


Huh? What do you think, Victor?

[CHUCKLES] That's a good look.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah, you look very honorable.

Hey, look who's here.

- Hi.
- Good morning, gentlemen.

Good morning, Mr. Franklin.

And how are you this fine day?

I am fine. And you?

I'm... I'm well, thank you.

Now, gentlemen, make haste slowly.

- Make... make haste slowly.
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

- Make haste slowly.

- Huh? You like that?
- Yeah, I like that.

Attention, camp.

His Excellency, General George Washington.

Thank you, General, for
the kind introduction.

As you were, gentlemen. And who
are these fine gentlemen here?

GENERAL: Recruits, sir.

Private Chesnik reporting for duty, sir.

Lieutenant David reporting for duty, sir!

- Lieutenant?
- I, uh... I elevated myself somewhat, yes.

Okay, well, are you ready
to die for your country?

I'm ready to play dead for my country,

which nobody could do like
I can if I put my mind to it.

Indeed, well, gentlemen,

I have lots of work to
do to tend to an army,

- so we shall see you at the end.
- Yes. Go, tend to your army.

- Thank you very much.
- Yes.

He's quite a disappointment. [CHUCKLES]


GENERAL: Attention!


- MAN: Company!
- MEN: Ready!

- Forward at the half step.
- All right!

- March!
- MAN: March!



Forward... march!

GENERAL: Battalion halt!

- MAN: Halt!
- MEN: Halt!

Front rank, ready?

MAN: Make ready!


Take aim!




What are you... What are you doing?

You got three hours to go, here.

Are you crazy? Get up. This is nuts.

GENERAL: By God, sir,
get back in rank.

LARRY: You're not
gonna have any fun.

Come on, he's not gonna have any fun.

That's not fair. It's not fair.

Let him live. Let him live.

Larry come on, get back in line.

- Fall back, come on.
- No. It's so stupid.

GENERAL: Reload! Reload!

- VICTOR: Hey, Larry.
- LARRY: What the hell was that?

- VICTOR: What was that?
- LARRY: Was that real?

There's a crater in the ground.

BOTH: Oh, my God!

Larry! Larry! What the hell is this, man?

- This is real! This is real!
- Oh, my God.

VICTOR: Somebody's
shooting at us, man!

Ah! Incoming!

It's live rounds, Larry!

- What the fuck?
- It's Sal!

- Sal? Who's Sal?
- Sal.

LARRY: He's a security
guard from my golf club.

Why is he trying to kill us, man?

I told him I didn't wanna
say hello to him anymore.

- What?

Hello, Sal! I'm sorry!


- Incoming!




[MUFFLED] Hello!

How's your cat?


Hello, Sal. How you doing?

SOLDIER'S VOICE: Hot. Hot contact,
hot contact. We need air now.

- SOLDIER'S VOICE: Man down! Man down!

Come on! Come on!

Let's go! Come on!



For Britain and King George!


- Charge!


Larry! Larry, get up,
get up. Are you all right?

Yeah. I'm good, yeah. [PANTING]

- What the...?
- Motherfucking redcoats!

God, those motherfuckers.

- God damn it, what the hell was that?
- Come on, come on.

Fuck. God damn it.

Come on. I have no idea where we are.

No idea.

You know what? I think
I know where the car is.

I think it's that way.


"Mister Tee"?

Hey, that's Mr. Takahashi's car.

Who's Mr. Takahashi?

What the hell is he doing here?

- Oh, fuck.
- Oh, my God.

- Ken's wife?

This is interesting, because
I was coming over to the car

to ask you about the letter,

but, uh, I don't think
that'll be necessary anymore.

Do me a favor,

will you call the club and tell them

I'm coming over to play some golf?


See you at the club. Take care.

I knew that baby looked a little Asian.

Hey, let's play some golf.

I don't know.

What? No, come on. It'll be fun.

- I think the car's that way.

Hello, Mr. David. Nice to meet you.

I'm Randy. I'm new here.

How are you? I was told
you'd be heading over.



That's how you do it. That's how you do it.

LARRY: All right, look, you know, I got...

I got clothes in my locker we can wear

or we could just take these jackets off.

Doesn't really matter
what we're playing in.

VICTOR: What the fuck is this?

LARRY: You all right?


VICTOR: Oh, fuck.
Pull over! Pull over!

- 10:00. Redcoats, man.

Larry, there's fucking redcoats, man!

- You motherfuckers!
- LARRY: Hey.

Don't tread on me, motherfuckers!

- Come on! Yeah!
- LARRY: Hey! No!

It's your last day, you bitches.

- Get the fuck outta here!
- They're valets!

[SHOUTING] Come on, man!

MAN: Hey, please! [SCREAMING]


Hey, asshole! Here's your mail.

Welcome home, soldier.
Thank you for your service.