Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 9, Episode 7 - Namaste - full transcript

Larry angers a hot yoga teacher, has an auspicious first date and seethes over a run-in with an unfair Uber driver.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
And you feel a string
pulling you up top,

and your feet planting
you on the earth.

And raise your arms up.

If you can,
look up.

Absorbing the energy
of the room.

And come out of it.

Fantastic, yogis.

Now let's get down
to the floor.

First, we'll start
on our shoulders

and a little
shoulder stand.

- Toes up to the sky...
- I would fuck her. Damn!

- You like that?
- Fucking love that shit.


And fold our
legs over into plow.

And let's take one more
breath together as a group.


Take one more sip of air,

and down
to heart's center,

and namaste.


Thank you, yogis.
See you tomorrow.

Thank you, yogi.

I wanted to do
the downward dog.

That's my
favorite one.

- You love that downward dog.
- I'm a big dog.

- Excuse me. Larry, was it?
- Yes.

Um, I just noticed
that you didn't, uh,

with the other yogis.

not a namaste guy.

I don't participate
in group activities.

You know, I don't sing
the birthday song.

"Happy birthday to you",
you know, so, you know.

Namaste means
"the light within me

greets the light
within you."

There is no light within me,
that's the only problem there.

Well, why don't you try it?
Why don't you just

try a little namaste
and see how it feels?

I know how
it's gonna feel.

I'm gonna feel
like an idiot.

Well, no one's
here now.

Why don't you
just try it?

My third eye
is watching.

That's not how
the third eye works.

You know how
the third eye works, huh?

- I've studied it for many years, yes.
- Is that so?

Here, watch, here's what I
think about the third eye.

- See? Look, I'm poking it.
- That's disrespectful.

- Doesn't hurt at all.
- It's-- it's disrespectful.

- Look. Yeah, yeah.
- It's disrespectful.

Just don't do that
to your third eye.

I wouldn't do it to my
two eyes, the real eyes.

Right, right.
The third eye's real.

There's no-- there's no
imaginary eye there.

- Are you familiar with etiquette?
- By the way,

- can I say something?
- Mm-hmm.

It's really
hot in here.

Well, it's
hot yoga.

Does it have
to be this hot?

I mean, it's,
you know--

you're here to be

a part of our
spiritual community.

No, I'm here because
I have a bad hamstring.

If you're not gonna acknowledge
the light within yourself,

then you can leave.

You can leave
and you cannot come back.


That's very
"unyogi-ish" of you.

- Get the fuck out.
- You just made my day.



Guess whose
number I got.

- Yogi Tina?
- Yeah.


Guess who just
threw me out of class

and told me
never to come back.

- Yogi Tina?
- Yeah, Yogi Tina.

- Oh, what?
- Yeah, kicked me out!

- The fuck did you do?
- I wouldn't say namaste.

Man, you gotta say
namaste, man.

Oh, get the fuck out of here.
That's so stupid.

You know what, it's
so goddamn hot in there, I don't care.

- That's what hot--
- Man, what are you doing? I gotta back up.

Back the fuck up.
You good!

- I can't see shit!
- Fuckin-- whoa!

What the-- oh, shit!

Oh, fuck!

God damn it!

You see? You know what?
This is all your fault!

You fiddled with the radio
and the backup camera didn't work.

- You fucked up!
- No, you fucked up!

No, no, no!
You fucked up!

Don't blame me
for that shit!

- Wow.
- Oh, geez.

- You fucked this car up good.
- Damn it.

Look at that.

That's bad.

What you
gonna write?

I'm gonna tell them
I'm sorry

and leave my name
and, uh, number.

- What else can I do?
- I wouldn't write shit!

Just drive
the fuck off!

I'm not
gonna do that!

I follow
the golden rule, okay?

"Do unto others
as you'd have others do unto you."

- The golden rule.
- I follow the golden rule, too.

My friend Jasper's

"Fuck them
or they'll fuck you."

- Mm-hmm.
- Interesting rule.


Thankfully, Victor's doing
better, so the wedding's on.

- The wedding is happening.
- Wow. Oh, boy.

- What?
- I would be a little concerned

- if it was my daughter.
- Well, you know,

there's no accounting
for who's attracted to--

look, I'm attracted
to Jeff.

Go figure that one.

Or, oh,

listen to this--

speaking of taste.

I have a friend
who asked us a favor

if I could
set her up with you.

What's this?

- Yes. Yes.
- Really?

Now I told her--
I read her chapter on verse

on what an asshole
you are,

and what
a horrible idea,

but she would hear
none of it.

She wants
to go out with you.

Do-does she know
about the fatwa?

and guess what?

That turned her on!

Hmm. Is she

Yeah, very pretty.

Like to see
a picture.

You want to see
a picture?

Who the fuck are you
to ask for a picture of anybody?

You are on an Uber rating,

you're like a--
a two.

- A two?
- On a good day. On a good day!

- Fuck you! A two, okay?
- Yeah.


I'm a four, baby!

- I'm an Uber four.
- You are so delusional.

- I'm delusional?
- Yes!

Let me tell you something,
if I was a two,

I would kill myself.

I-- I could not live
on this planet as a two.

Hi, Jeffy.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Did you call your friend
about the-- about the car?

- It's good to have a mechanic as a friend.
- Sorry about that.

You know this Bridget friend of hers?


- She good looking?
- Bridget? Beautiful.

- Really?
- Beautiful.

Great girl.

Great sense of humor.

He would be lucky to have her,
I'll tell you that much.

And she lucky
to have him.

that's the pal!

What's wrong
with you?

I-- I tried to
talk her out of it.

I got, uh,
my friend Larry.

All right, I'm gonna
put you on speakerphone. All right.

- Hey, Greg.
- Hey, what's going on?

Oh, not much.

How is it, uh,
we've never met?

Why is Jeff
keeping us apart?

I have no clue.

He said nothing
but wonderful things about you.

I feel like
I know you already.

Yeah, he's told me a lot
about you, too.

Yeah, how's it going?

this car, I--

something happened
to my fender or bumper or whatever.

I banged into someone,
and, uh,

- can I bring it over?
- Absolutely.

Bring it by now,
as a matter of fact,

and we can have it
hammered out maybe

in the next couple days.

Wow, okay. Great.

- Doesn't even do that for me.
- Huh.

All right, I'll see you soon.
Thank you.

- No problem.
- The-- the picture.

- Can we get the picture going?
- What picture?

What, of Bridget?
You're not getting a fucking picture.

- Trust me.
- You know, can I just say, Larry...

- Trust me.
- ...not only is she a beautiful woman,

but more important,
inner beauty.

That I'm not
interested in.

- Asshole.
- Yeah.

- All right.
- See you later.

- Oh, hey.
- How you doing?

- I'm looking for Greg.
- Ah, I'm Greg.

- Oh, hey, L-Larry. Jeff's friend.
- Oh!

- We, uh-- we talked on the phone.
- On the phone, yeah, yeah.

- How you doing? Nice to meet you.
- Eh, you're black.

- Ye-- yes.
- Ah.

Yes, I'm--
is that a problem?

- No, of course not.
- Okay, good.

Just surprised
Jeff didn't mention it.

Why would he
have to mention it?

Eh, because most
white people with black friends

like to show off
about it, that's all.

Well, I can see
I've offended you.

That-- b-believe me,
that wasn't my intention.

- Ah, well.
- Yeah, I'm not, uh--

I'm not prejudiced
in any way...

- I-- I get it. - ...towards any group,
except my own, of course.

All right, uh, we've gotten off
on the wrong foot, obviously.

Um, let's talk
about the car.

- Yes, let's. Okay.
- Okay.

There's a problem
with the, uh,

the fender,
like I said, yeah.

Ah, well,
that's a bumper.

And yes, there's
a problem with it.

All right, so, um,
how long you think it'll take?

You know,
we'll call you.

I don't-- yeah.
We'll call you.

Any loaners?


All right.

I'll call an Uber.

Again, sorry if I, uh,
offended you in any way.

You know what...


All right.
Okay, yeah.

You have, uh, water
an chewing gums, if you like.

Well, that's very nice of you.

- Where you from?
- I am from Romania.

- Romania?
- Yeah.

Ah. Bucharest?

Ah, you know

you like that, huh?

- I know my geography.
- Very nice. You do.

Yeah, most people
would say Budapest.

- Yeah.
- So, let me ask you a question.

I was having a little
dispute with my friend,

um, as to what my Uber rating
would be, looks-wise,

from a scale
of one to five.

If you were gonna fix me
up with your sister--

- do you have a sister?
- I do.

Okay, so if you were
gonna fix me up with her,

what, uh-- what would you
rate me looks-wise?

- Just curious.
- One to five?


Okay, I am
very honest.

I am an
honest person.

So I will be
honest with you.

You are a two.

- A two?
- Two.

- You gotta be kidding.
- You are older.

- You have few hairs.
- Two?

- Yes.
- I'm not a two, okay, buddy?

- I'm not a two.
- You live in a fantasy world.

What do you think you are?
What do you think you are?

- Four.
- A four?!

- Yeah, four.
- A four? I am a three.

- How can you be a four?
- You're a three?

Of course.
I am honest.

I know,
my face is average.

I drive Uber.
I'm a three.

Well, I completely

Anyway, you know,
you're from one of the most

unattractive countries,
you know, on the planet.

- No, you don't know what you're
talking about, okay? - It's all skewed

'cause all you've seen are
unattractive people your entire life.

So I have to take it
with a grain of salt.

Excuse me, have you ever been
to the beaches in Mamaia?

Have you seen the women
on the beaches in-- no, you have not.

- Well-- - They're some of the most
beautiful in all of Europe.

Oh, don't-- please,
don't make me laugh.

You're thinking, maybe,
of mountain women.

Okay? I am not
talking about mou--

I'm talking about
lowland women.

Women of the plains.
The most beautiful in all of Europe.

- In Romania.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- Hello?
- Larry?

- Yeah?
- This is Justin Brown.

- You, uh-- you hit my car.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm, uh--
I'm awfully sorry.

Uh, obviously
you got my note.

No, I guessed your number.
Yeah, I got your note.

Look, I really wish you had
hung around and stayed.

This is, uh--
this is something

that could've been resolved
far earlier.

Well, uh, again,
I apologize.

It was an accident.

Uh, don't I get any credit
for the note?

No, you get zero credit
for leaving a note.

Anyone knows
to leave a note.

A real person
would've hung around

and dealt with this
in person.

It was an accident.

Next time,
I won't leave a note.

- How 'bout that?
- Look, Larry,

you seem like
a complete garbage person.

How are you gonna
pay for this, asshole?

Okay, fuckface,
I'll tell you what.

I will text you
my address.

We don't need to go
through insurance.

And, uh,
we'll set up a time.

You'll come over
and I'll give you a check.

- How's that?
- Fine, but I'm getting

an estimate
from the dealer.

All right,
I-I've had enough of you.


Fucking asshole.

Hey, could you
do me a favor?

It's about
900 degrees in here.

Could-- could you
turn the heat down a little bit?

- I'm starting to sweat.
- No.

So, I play with Jeff

and a few other guys
most weekends.

At the--
at the country club?

- That's so cute.
- Yeah.

Country club.
That's an odd-sounding word.

Isn't that what it is, though?
To be honest.

What do you call it?
You try to, like,

make it seem
less fancy.

- At the, uh...
- Uh, golf place.

- Yeah, at the playground.
I meet some of my friends. - Yeah.

That's very funny.

- You're kind of funny.
- Oh, wow.

Yeah, I think we're having kind of
a good date here, don't you think?

- I told Susie...
- Yeah.

...and, boy, did she try
to talk me out of it, but--

She's not a--
not a big fan of mine.

I think the nicest thing
she called you was quirky.

- All she told me about you
was you're an NBC censor. - Yes.

I see a lot of
dirty words.

- I'll bet.
- It's amazing what, you know--

what they try
to get away with.

Like what?

They try to get
the penises in,

and the pussy.

Wet pussy,
tight pussy, hot pussy.

You know, cock,
balls, tits.

You know,
and after a while,

at the end of the day,
I just--

I just
give it to them.

- Yeah.
- You know?

I can't fight off
the penis forever.

- Just let it in.
- Yeah.

Let it just
slip right in.


What a fantastic date.

- Not one pause, not one low.
- No.

The conversations
just move and move.


In fact,
if I were to go home

and get a phone call
from a friend, okay?

- You-- you be my friend. Go ahead.
- Okay.

Larry, hey, I heard you
went out on a date.

- How was it?
- Oh, fantastic.


- Really fantastic.
- Wow.

- Really like her a lot.
- Oh!

Not kidding.
And you know what?

She wears glasses.

I love glasses
on a woman.

Oh, she's-- she's pretty
and smart, sexy.

Oh, I'm really a little--
I'm quite--

I'm a little smitten.
I'm a little smitten.

Larry, I haven't
heard you s--

- talk this way in a long time.
- Yes. I know, I know.

- I really like this woman.
- I'm happy for you.

You know,
a couple of things.

Of course,
nobody's perfect.

She-- she has
a strange way

of holding silverware
like a pencil.

She holds it like a pencil.
That I've never seen before.

- That's annoying. - Yeah, and she keeps
the window open in the car.

- Ugh, air. - You know, my--
the big question tonight was,

- "Well, how am I gonna end it?
How am I gonna..." - Mm-hmm.

- " I gonna make a move?"
- Mmm.

Moves, they're tough.
How do you do it?

It's a very
difficult thing.

Wow. So, uh,
what happened?

- Well, I went in for a-- a kiss.
- Yeah.

You know, and--

Who are you?


Ah. Hi.

Larry, this is my son Eddie,
that I was telling you about.

- Yeah.
- I didn't think you were up.

Eddie, this is
our friend Larry.

- Hey.
- Why is Mom going out with you?

- Oh... - Yeah, no, that's
a very good question, Eddie.

Very good question.
I don't know.

Your head is so shiny.

Okay, honey.
Now, come on.

How 'bout a--
go grab a snack.

- I'm getting a donut.
- No, get something healthy.

And then her son
came down...

- So...
- ...and he insulted me.

You know, and that was the end
of the night, pretty much.

- I'm sorry.
- Ah, no sweat.

He, um...

He has Asperger's.

Ah, Asperger.

- Yeah, he's on the spectrum.
- Wow. Spectrum?

Why are these
chocolate sprinkles?

- On the spectrum?
- Mm-hmm.

I only eat
rainbow sprinkles!

I'm so sorry,
but I gotta...

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Ca-call me.

- Okay? M'kay.
- Oh, sure, yeah.

Hey, it was
really fun.

Yeah. Nice. Okay.

You'll-- you'll
find the door.

I'm coming, honey.

Why didn't you tell me
he was black?

What does it matter?

No, it doesn't
matter at all.

You know,
'cause when I got there,

I was surprised
and I blurted something out

and the whole thing
was a disaster.

- What did you blurt out?
- I said I didn't know you were black.

- Why'd you do that?!
- Because I was surprised.

What were you
surprised about?

Because he didn't sound
black on the phone, okay?!

- Where's Susie?
- Upstairs.

I do know what
he's talking about.

So stupid.

Oh, Jesus Christ!
What are you doing up here?

This is upstairs. You don't come
upstairs in somebody's house.

- W-why? What's so special about--
- This is my boudoir!

It's off-limits!


Would Mrs. Cleaver

talk that way
to Eddie Haskell

if he came upstairs
to her-- to her bedroom?

Oh, I think so.

Mrs. Cleaver
hated Eddie Haskell

'cause Eddie Haskell
was a kiss-ass,

little shit.

I think he had access
to the house.

But that's because
the boys were upstairs.

Okay, so all I'm asking for
is Haskell-access.

I want the same--
I want the same privileges as Eddie Haskell!

- Okay, number one--
- Is that asking too much?!

What are you
doing here anyway?

Why didn't you
tell me

that her kid had...

- you know.
- What?

Ass... Ass...

- What?
- Asper...

- Asperger's. Yeah, what about it?
- Asperger's.

- Why didn't I tell you?
- Yeah, why didn't you tell me?

Wha-- why should I
have told you?

- You could've mentioned it.
- I set you up on a date.

You should be lucky
that I even did that for you.

- So, how did it go?
- Pretty damn good.

Really like her.

- Good.
- What she say about me?

She had a good time.

- That's it?
- Mm, she li-- yeah.

- What?
- She-- she's had a good time.

- That's all she said?
- That's all she said.

I'll tell you what.

- I was about to make a move on the couch...
- Yeah?

...and that little prick son
ruined it for me.

My heart is breaking.

All right, go!
Just leave.

Okay, but I
can't get home.

The Uber's not picking me up,
for some reason.

Yeah, well, walk.
Get the fuck out! Go now!

Has Jeff seen you
in those curlers of late?

Get! Out!
Out! Out!

Oh, what
a fucking asshole.

Oh, finally.

The hell is this?

- This an Uber?
- UberX.

Took quite a while.


- Am I wrong?
- Kind of took a gamble picking you up

- with that one-star rating.
- What?


You know,
usually I, uh--

I pick up four,
five stars.

I know they're
gonna be responsible,

respectful of the car,

not be a problem.

- But...
- One star?

I'm not one star.

- I'm a five.
- You might feel like a five,

but Uber says
you're a one, buddy.

Holy shit.

Four other stars
next to it,

not filled in.

The Romanian!

- The Romanian?
- The Romanian.

Gave me-- he gave me a one
and took me down from a five to a one.

- One-Star Larry is really, uh--
really not a popular guy. - All right. Okay.


What the hell
is going on in here?

- Phew.
- Huh? It's 92 degrees.

You're damn right
it's 92 degrees.

Tina came over.

- Who?
- Yogi Tina.

Like that shit hot.

- Where is she?
- Fuck you think she's at?

She's up there
fuckin' recuperating.

What are you doing
in my house?

I'm in here fuckin'
at 92 degrees.

- What? You're what?
- That's what the fuck's going on.

Why are you having sex
in my house?

- Because--
- You got a guest house back there.

- I can't fuck...
- Huh? 92 degrees
in my room

'cause my room
won't get hot enough.

- Okay, well you--
- It gets hot in here.

Well, you already
did it, right?

- Now get out.
- No, I did part one.

I didn't do part two
or three yet.

Okay, there's not gonna be
a part two or three, okay?

- There's always a part two and three.
- No, no, no. No!

I'm not gonna sit here
and leave her at fuckin' part one.

Well, why
is it 92 degrees?

She's a yoga instructor.
She likes hot yoga.

Oh, so she likes hot sex
and hot yoga, is that it?

That's fuckin' right.
That's what the fuck she does.

I want you
out of the house.

I don't want some post-sex guy
walking around my house, okay?

- Now get out.
- First of all,

there's nothing wrong
with people having

the scent of--
of fuck on their body.

I don't like
the scent of fuck, okay?

Sue me.
I don't like fuck scent.

All right, look, uh, some guy
named Greg called for you.

He said your car's
gonna be ready in three weeks.

Three weeks? On the phone,
he said a couple of days.

- Oh, wow. - Well, did he sound
like he was ticked off?

No, he just sounded like
some random black dude

who's calling
about your car.

- How do you know he's black?
- I know how black people sound.

- You could tell that guy was black?
- Fuck, yeah, instantly.

- Wow.
- Three words. Bam.

Jews, I could tell
within, like, a minute.

- Man or woman.
- Of course, 'cause you're Jewish.

You-- you give me two minutes,
and I could tell you

if they're reform
or conservative.


Somebody recuperated.

Oh, well,
well, well.

- Look who's here.
- Hello, Larry.

How's the temperature?
Is it to your liking?

It's the optimal
temperature for climaxing.

Oh, is it?

Ha, ha, is it?

You... are gonna
have to leave.

- Such hospitality.
- Feels good?


Now get the fuck out.

I'm still gonna

Tell you that.

Hold on.
Hold on, baby.

Let me talk to you
real quick.

- It's right over there.
- That looks nice.

- Why are we going to this place?
- Because...

- It stinks.
- Highly recommended.

They better have a cheeseburger,
no condiments.

- I don't like condiments.
- Is that so?

- Hey, look at that guy.
- Yeah, look at that guy.



He'll be fine once we
get to the restaurant.

- Uh...
- So...


- Thank you.
- Bye.

- Well, well.
- Thank you.

- Hey, you know what?
- What?

I'll be right back.

Oh, come on.

A one?

You gave me a one?

- Honestly.
- I don't like the way you spoke to me.

You insulted--

you insulted the lowland women
of my country, okay?

- You are asking me to set you up with--
- Let's be honest about it.

They're not the most
attractive group--

You have--
you've never seen--

you want me to pull up
pictures for you?

I've seen plenty of pictures
of Romanian women.

And the Bulgarians,
and the Hungarians.

No beauties.
Come on.

First of all,

do you hear
yourself talking?

You are the rudest person
I've ever met.

You are
an angry person, okay?

And you ask me
to change the heat...

Who's angry?
You're the one who's angry, not me.

- You're angry.
- You are making me angry, my friend.

I am not the one insulting your culture,
your country, your women.

I gave you a five.
I gave you a five.

Of course, because
I gave you nice service.

I take you where you want to go,
quickest route.

Okay, look, look,
I wanna ask you a favor, okay?

I can't get Ubers now
on account of you,

so I want you
to change the rating.

Oh, change
the rating?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

You want me to go
into the algorithm and change it?

Sure. Oh, no problem.
Of course.

Let me just open
a programming window on my phone

and enter some code
for you.

What are you writing
over there?

I'm just entering some notes
for other drivers.

- What is that?
- Don't worry.

I wanna see what you're writing.

- Get out of my car.
- Give me that cell phone.

I'm not giving you
my cell phone.

Don't touch
my cell phone.

All right,
you know what?

I'm changing
my rating of you.

From a five
to a zero.

- Okay, try it. Take your phone out.
- Okay. Yeah, I will try it.

Go ahead because Uber ratings
are final, my friend.

- They're final?!
- They are final.

You know what
I regret the most?

When I said to you,
"If you were gonna

fix me up
with your sister,

- what Uber rating would you give me?"
- Yeah.

I would never go out
with your sister

under any

My sister would not look
at a picture of you.

- She's a gorgeous Romanian woman.
- Gorgeous Romanian?

That's an oxymoron.

- Gorgeous Romanian.
- That's it.

- No, what? Hey!
- You think that I'm gonna--

say something about
my sister again!

And I'm telling you,

I don't think
Bridget's kid has Asperger's.

I swear to God,
I just think he's an asshole.

- The kid's an asshole. - I know a lot
of people with Asperger's, I do.

Not a lot,
but I know some.

And you know what,
they're delightful people.

This kid,
I'm betting you're right.

- Asshole.
- I think so.

You know,
to be honest with you,

I'm gonna start telling people
that you're on the spectrum.

- I could be. - Any bad behavior
can be written off as what?

- Spectrum.
- Spectrum.

Hello, hello, hello.

It's hot as fuckin' hell
in there, Larry.

Well, I know.
The-- the heating's broken.

And the heating guy's here.
He's fixing it.

That's why we're
sitting out here.

Oh, all right.
Well, listen,

I'm going around
to all my friends

and I'm giving them
these sample baskets.

So maybe you could
give this one to Bridget.

So-- so what did
she say about me?

Come on, give me--
give me a little something.

What do you got?

- What'd she say?
- She said to me...

- Yeah.
- ...that she thinks you're terrific.

There you go!
Now you're talking!

- You like her?
- I do.

But that prick son
is driving me crazy.

Ugh, you know what,
you've never had children.

Every single time
you deal with a woman with kids,

you have a problem.

I suggest
you foster a kid.

- Okay. I'll go--
- It'll make you a better man.

I'll go down
to the pound today.

I'll go down--
I'll go down to the foster pound.

Would you come with me
to the foster pound?

Always looking forward for
a trip to the foster pound.

- Oh, it is so hot in there.
- Yeah, I know.

Yeah, it's, like,
stuck on 92 degrees.

- I know.
- Yeah.

It's much nicer
out here.

So what do you think?
How's it looking?

Well, we're running
a system diagnostics test

and, uh, you know,
we'll have our answer soon.

Do you specialize more in heating than

Oh, we do both--
heat and AC.

If I called you up and said
I have a particular problem,

would you prefer if I said
heating or air-conditioning?

- I have no preference.
- No preference at all?

No preference at all. You know, they're
like-- you know, it's like children.

Okay, like children.
Say you had a "Sophie's Choice."

You have two children,
heating and air-conditioning.

You have to pick one,
the one you had an infinity for,

and the other one goes into
the concentration camp.

Which one--
which one you gonna keep?

Go with heat.

So air conditioning's going
to the concentration camp.

...going to the concentration camp,
but heat is saved.

You know,
our AC isn't working that well either.

- Ah, it's from Bridget.
- Wow.

What she see's in him,
I have no idea.

Hey. Hey.
How long is this gonna take?

- I-- you gotta get this done quickly.
- Yeah, I got some bad news.

You got a broken part,
and it's gonna take about three days.

- I don't have it on the truck. Yeah.
- What? Three days?

Y-you were
so confident outside.

- You said you got it done.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.

- You said you were a heat guy.
- I-- I am a heat guy.

What you have
is a cooling problem.

- Cooling?!
- Yeah.

You sent the cooling kid
to the concentration camp.

Okay, it's not
a kid, okay?

It's chlorofluorocarbons.

Okay, they're not--
they're not children.

I did not send a child
to a concentration camp.

Yeah, you know,
I was gonna consummate.

I had a window open
to consummate.

Now the window's

- No consummation.
- Why is it closed?

Well, I'm not gonna have sex
in a 92-degree room.

You get all sweaty.
There's-- it's disgusting.

The sweat's on the sheets,
I have to take my shirt off.

I'm not gonna have sex
with my shirt off.

You don't take
your shirt off during sex?

- No, I don't-- no.
- I take my shirt off while I'm kissing.

I love it.
I get completely free.

All right.
I-- I don't really know your name.

You don't have one
of those little tags on...

- No, we don't wear tags.
- I'll take a guess.

- Uh, Bob?
- It's Bill.

All right, Bill, uh, let's not talk
about this anymore.

All right, I'm sorry,
you brought it up.

Yeah, I did.
I-- I gotta text her

and tell her we can't--
she can't come over.

I got it.

I'm here
for my money, Lar--

Oh, my God.

I'm Justin.
My car was the one,

uh, damaged, um...

I'm sorry, I didn't kno--
I didn't know you were black.

- Does it matter?
- No. God, no.

No, like, that could
literally not matter less.

Yeah, uh, um,

you know, this is the estimate
I got from the dealership,

but, uh,
it seems high.

And, uh,
like, the car, it wasn't...

You know, why don't--

why don't I just
take care of this?

We'll, uh--
we'll call this one good.

I'm-- I'm really sorry
for the misunderstanding.

Anyway, uh, thank you
for leaving a note.

That was really considerate.
Thank you.

- My man.
- My man. Thank you.

- We good.
- Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry about--

- I'm gonna go ahead and take care-- okay.
- Yeah, yeah, we good.


- Huh?!
- Look at that.

- That was beautiful.
- That was nice.

- White people.
- Hey, man, white people.

Gotta love 'em.

Namaste up in
this mother fucker.

Hey, Greg.

hey, Larry.

Yeah, um...

I just came
to apologize

for the other day.

Thing is
that I didn't m--

tell you was that
I have Asperger's.

You have
Asperger's? Ah.

Jeff never mentioned anything,
I'm so sorry.

Why would
he need to?

Well, no, no, no, I--
he doesn't need to.

You-- you're right.
I'm sorry.

Um, how bad is it?

Is-- I mean,
how mild or?

No, I'm on the, uh--
I'm on the spectrum.

You know, I have no--
I have no filter.

I say whatever
comes into my head.

You know, I have trouble
making eye contact.

I-- I get it.
I-- you know what?

We'll have the car
ready for you tomorrow.

It's just a ding.
Free of charge.

What? What?

- Yeah, again, I apologize so much.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Tomorrow. Yeah.
- Sorry.

He said he's sorry.
He's sorry.

I-- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Yeah, he's really sorry.
He's sorry.

Car will
be ready when?

- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow.

- Free.
- S-see you tomorrow.


- T-t-- yeah, tomorrow.
- Yeah.

- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow, tomorrow.

- Yeah, okay.
- You need a ride?

No, I'm a--
I'm a good driver.

I'm a good driver.

- Nice to be out, isn't it?
- I love this shit.

- Out of that hot house?
- You can't take that shit.

You a Anglo-Anglo

You know?

Your body's not used to
that kind of temperature.


- The fuck is it?
- Bridget.

- The-- the NBC censor.
- Yeah, yeah.

I haven't had sex with her yet.
She invited me over to her house.

- We got an hour.
- Oh, man.

- I got an hour window.
- An hour's a good fuck window.

Fuck, I don't
have a car.

I need to borrow
your car.

- Mm-mmm.
- What?!

You ain't
borrowing my car.

- Why not?!
- I got a date.

You're not gonna
give me your car?

No! You're not getting
my fucking car.

No, no, no.
Use the guest house.

- The guest house?!
- Use that shit, man.

That scum-shack?!

You think I'm gonna
go in there?

- Are you crazy?
- Scum-shack?

There must have been
10,000 ejaculations

in that place
in just two years.

That means that room
is broken in.

It's ready.
It's prime and ready to fuck.

Okay, fuck that.
All right, I'll tell you what.

Okay, I'll
tell you what.

I-- I can't do Uber,

so just get--
get me an Uber.

- No, fuck that.
- What?

You gonna bring
my rating down.

I'm a good five
right now.

- I'm a five.
- No, no, you a fuckin' one.

Yeah, well, that's 'cause
one idiot changed it to a one.

- No, no, no, no.
- That doesn't mean anything.

You don't know
how to respect people.

- You're a cocksucker.
- Fuck that.

- I'm gonna take a bus.
- Yeah, you do that.

- You a cocksucker!
- Hey!

And your friendship rating
just went down!

Hey! Hey!

No, no, no.

Oh, come on.
Op-open the door!

Does this go to
Olympic and Hauser?

- Not all the way. You gotta transfer.
- Transfer?

What are you sitting
in the middle for?

Why don't you
move over one?

Okay, or whatever
you're saying,

but it's-- it's
a little strange.

I've never seen a person
sit in the middle.

It's like using
the middle urinal.

You know it's odd, I-- I'm not sure if you
can understand me or not just--

No, no,
you go over there.

No, you sit there.
No, no.


Olympic and Hauser?

I'm supposed
to go to, um-- sir?

I'm supposed to go to,
uh, Olympic and Hauser.

Yeah, well,
that's easy, man.

Get off at
the La Cienega stop.

You got
a couple options.

Okay, will you tell me
when that's, uh--

- when that's coming up?
- I'm not your babysitter.

Figure it out.

This bus is a very cold,
unforgiving place.

I don't like it
one bit.

Does this go to
Olympic and Hauser?


There you go.

- To transfer, right?
- Yup.

- Huh. Yeah, I did it.
- All right, you did it,

but can you
do me a favor and get

behind the yellow line
for your safety?

- Thank you.
- Could you do me a favor

and maybe go a little faster
than you normally might?

I-- I cannot
do you that favor.

Yellows. If there's anyway that--
to ignore the yellows.

Sir, I'm not
ignoring any yellows.

- I-- I understand but people--
- Have a seat. Have a seat.

People pay a little too much
attention to yellows and--

I am driving this bus.
I don't wanna hear no more back talk.

- There's not another route?
- Sit down!

- There is not another route.
- Hey, shush down here for a second.

I got some
personal business.

You gonna
make me crazy now.

Do you wanna drive
this bus, sir?

- Is that an option?
- No, it's not an option.

I'ma need you to go
and sit the hell down.

This is danger.
Come and sit!

Hey, this is none
of your business, okay?

Just-- just take it easy.
I-- I've got a--

- Sit down!
- Sit down!

Sit your ass down!

Get behind
the yellow line and sit down.


- You no listen!
- You clipped a mirror.

No shit, Sherlock.

What's going on?
What are you doing?

- I gotta pull over.
- What? Pull over?

- Are you kidding? Why?
- Yeah. I have to leave a note.

- A note? Oh, no, that's a terrible mistake.
- Yes.

People don't appreciate them anyway.

- I'm telling you the truth.
- You know, this is some bullshit.

The whole reason
I hit this car

is because you was up here--
yack, yack, yack--

talking in my ear,
"Go through the yellow light.

- Faster. Go. Go."
- I didn't do anything.

- Hey, will you sit down, please?
- Hey, you know what?

You bus people are starting
to get on my nerves, okay?

That's it.
Get the fuck off the bus!

Hey, take-- wha-what--
hey, what are you doing?

No, you-- I--

I have Asperger's!
I'm on the spectrum!

- Ah!
- Get.

If I see you on my bus again,
I'ma fuck you up.


- Oh, Leon!
- Yeah, come on, now.

Come on, now!

- Ooh! Yeah.
- Right there.

- Yeah, yeah, here it come.
- Oh!

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Oh, my...
- Take that, take that.

Oh, yeah.

- Oh, God.
- Ooh!

- Here we go!
- Oh my, God!

Oh, my Gawd!

- Oh! Yeah!
- Do I hear a Jew?

I'm not gonna do that!