Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 9, Episode 3 - A Disturbance in the Kitchen - full transcript

Larry turns to a writer for advice; while searching for Susie's "little sister," Larry gets ticketed by an overzealous cop

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Where's our food?

It's... the service
of this place, it's horrible.

- Taking a year.
- I know.

- What the hell?
- I know.

I confirmed it, by the way.

Cheryl and Ted are a thing.

They went to Hawaii together.

- Really?
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Jeez.
- So, this is really hard to look at.

Yeah, well,
how do you think I feel?

- You think I enjoy it?
- Okay.

I never should've
done that show.

That "Kimmel" show.

God damn it.

Hi, I'm the manager.

There's been a delay
in your meals.

I'm very sorry.

There's been a disturbance
in the kitchen.

But we're taking care of it.

Well, what kind
of disturbance?

A general disturbance.

What's a general disturbance?

Well, let's just say
it was a minor hiccup.

Well, was it a hiccup
or a disturbance?

It's such a small disturbance,

it might be either one.

What, it's like...
was the chef angry

or did somebody drop
some pots and pans?

What happened?

Let's just say the
disturbance happened.

Okay, that's a fact,

and we're taking
care of it, okay?

Are you listening to this?

- Wait a second.
- I am.

How come you won't tell me
what the disturbance was?

Oh, well, that's
a very good question,

- and I'm on top of it.
- Well, thank you.

I'm glad you thought
it was a good question

because it was a really
atrocious answer.

- Well, I beg to differ.
- Let me ask you this question.

How in God's name
did you get this job?

I am great at dealing with
these disturbances.

Yes, really?

I'm asking that because you
come off as quite a goofball.

I'm gonna take that
as a compliment.

It's not.

Delicious meal, by the way.

Did I mention that?
Oh, gosh, I'm jealous.

Is there any question
that you will answer?

Because you haven't
answered one question yet.

For example,
what color is your tie?

- Let me just say this.
- Uh-huh.

- I am wearing a tie.
- Yes, you are.

- What color is it?
- I believe the tie is self-evident.

So, the color is there.

- Okay.
- Okay, great.

- All right.
- Thank you.

What the hell was that?

Why wouldn't he tell me
what it was?

- What's the big secret?
- I don't know.

- I'm going to the bathroom.
- All right.

- Excuse me.
- Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

The restroom's down
the hallway.

- Are you the chef?
- Yes. Yes, I am.

Oh, okay...

I was sitting at my table,

the manager came over to us

and said the food
was gonna be delayed

because there was a
disturbance in the kitchen.

Oh, yes, I'm sorry
about that, sir.

There was a small
disturbance in the kitchen,

but if you go have a seat, we'll
get your food right out to you.

Yeah, I know, thanks.

That's okay.
I mean, everything's fine.

I was just wondering,

you know,
what the disturbance was.

Regular kitchen disturbance.

They happen all the time.
Nothing to worry about.

You mean somebody dropped
pots and pans or something?

- Is that what happened?
- It's not that big of a deal, sir.

It was a minor disturbance that
we have since taken care of.

- Minor?
- It was perfectly minor.

If it was, then my food would not
have been delayed by 15 minutes.

- A slight delay in your food.
- It was more than a slight delay.

- Sir. Sir.
- Tell the truth about the disturbance.

It wasn't minor, it was major.

What is this, an investigation?

This is a kitchen, sir.

I'm just trying to get some
food to some hungry people.

That's all I wanna do.
And then I wanna go home.

- Are you a married man?
- Yes.

- Do you have children?
- Yes.

All right, so you're having a wonderful
afternoon with the wife and kids,

you go out to the post
office to get the mail.

You come back, you hear a big
crash, you open the door,

and your kids are sprawled out,
unconscious on the floor.

You say to your wife,
"What happened?"

And she goes, "Oh, there
was a disturbance."

And you go, "What was
the disturbance?"

She goes, "No, I don't wanna
tell you." How would you feel?

I would want to know
what the disturbance was.

That's exactly right!

That's a very specific
situation, sir!

You'd want to know what the
disturbance was, just like me!

There's no children here!

You're acting like a child.

You're the child who's
keeping a little secret.

- Yes.
- You got a little secret.

- No, no, I'm the parent.
- Oh!

I'm the parent who has to
worry about all the things.

- I gotta worry about getting the food...
- No.

...preparing the food,
and then giving it to you...

No, you're the little baby who
won't tell Daddy what happened.

- Please leave, sir.
- With pleasure.

All right, fine.

I'm coming! Bye.

- We gotta go.
- What?

Yeah, Susie's little sister
didn't come home last night.

- Little sister?
- You know, she's part of that

big sister, little sister
mentoring program.

- Oh.
- The girl's staying with us,

and she didn't come
home last night.

- Can I help you with anything?
- No, we're good. We're leaving.

That whole disturbance thing
threw us for a loop.

Well, yeah,
I'm taking care of it.

We're too disturbed
to eat right now.

Wow, look at this thing.

New Tesla.

- Nice.
- Yeah.

- Whose is it?
- Ted.

Holy cow.

She didn't come home. I don't
know where the hell she is.

I've called everybody.
What can I do?

- Oh, finally. Jeff, she's not back!
- I know, I'm sorry.

Come here,
I wanna show you the tapes.

Hi, Ted Danson.

Yeah, it's me, asshole.

It's my fatwa disguise.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

He was at the hotel.

I'm sorry, were you just at a
hotel in the Marina, following us?

- You were following us, weren't you?
- I was not following you.

I was in the hotel.
That's where I was hiding.

Why didn't you say hi?

I was going to, but I had
to talk to the hotel manager

about the pickle jar.

- The pickle jar?
- The pickle jar.

Yeah, everybody wants
to open a pickle jar.

- Don't you wanna open a pickle jar?
- Okay.

Could you get me some
sparkling water, please?


Oh, and T, can you get
a lemon with that, please?

T? Oh, "T"?

- What is that? It's unseemly.
- It's short for Ted.

You never gave me
any little nicknames.

Could've called me L.
You didn't call me L.

You didn't call me D.

You could've
called me "Elvid."

- I'm sorry, "Elvid"?
- Yeah, "Elvid."

- As a term of endearment?
- Yeah.

Like, "Let's spoon, Elvid"?

- Yeah, "Elvid."
- Okay.

You know what? Enough with
this bullshit, all right?

Enough with the nicknames.
Nobody gives a shit.

We're looking for my little
sister. We have to find her.

She's 15.
How do you know she's gone?

She's probably
at her boyfriend's house.

She doesn't have a boyfriend.

This kid, Larry, oh!
She is so talented.

You think Sammi was
talented at her age?

No, I don't.

Oh, stop it! Look at this.

Look at this tape.
Look at that dancing.

Huh? Is that amaz...
look at her, oh.

Got attitude.

It's wonderful.
Okay, I've seen plenty.

Thank you, I got it.

I get it. I got it.

What do you get?
You don't get shit.

- I got it.
- All right, we gotta find the kid!

What, do you want me to watch
the whole dance recital?

Yes, I do, all right?

We're gonna form a search
party and find her.

A search party?

What are we, in Tulsa,
Oklahoma, in 1870?

Find her! Let's go.

- Everybody, split up.
- Yes.

Let's go. Split up.

I thought you were
okay with this.

- What's going on, man?
- Hey, do me a favor.


Can I look for the kid
in your Tesla?

I'd like to drive it.

- All right, okay.
- Thanks, T.

Come on.


- What?
- I don't appreciate that beep, sir.

Oh, well, you know,
the light had turned green

and I gave you time.

You must've drifted off
or something.

- No, I didn't drift.
- Were you daydreaming?

No, I was doing important
police business.

Well, with all due respect,
a green light is not the time

to be doing police business.

Sir, I don't appreciate

the aggressiveness of the beep.

Oh, yeah, well, you know what?

This is my friend's car
and I'm not really attuned

to the subtleties
of the horn yet.

It was merely just a reminder beep,
a subtle way of telling you,

"Time to go.

Let's get moving. Move it on."

License and registration,

- I'm gonna write you a ticket.
- A ticket?

It was a bad decision on your
part to honk at a police officer.

Oh, what... why?
Are you above the beep?

Absolutely. I'm a police officer.
I protect your rights.

My rights to beep.

- That's one of my rights.
- Yeah, but you don't...

Beeping, that's a right.

That's America.
We're allowed to beep.

Yeah? Well, I'm allowed
to write this ticket.

Good. Write it.

You getting smart with me, boy?

I'm not getting smart.
I am smart, by the way.

- I'm smart.
- Yeah.

And of course I'll be
protesting this ticket.

I hope you enjoy
your day in court.

Here you go. Have a nice day.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

You made my day.
No one's above the beep.

No one!

- Mm.
- They're not coming.


- They're not coming.
- No.

Not even a text.

You know why? They're afraid
to be on the text chain.

- Yep.
- 'Cause of the fatwa.


That's fucked up.

They are really showing
their true colors.

They don't have no colors.

They're white.
There's no fucking color.

I should just have
over black friends.

If you want, I'll go over
there and fuck somebody ass up.

I'll take Swat over there.

I seen Swat kick
a motherfucker one night

and broke his fucking
back like this.

He turned that motherfucker
into a human wallet.

What did the guy do?

started mumbling.

The one thing
you don't wanna do

around Swat is to speak
under your breath.

I can't mumble at all?
I like to mumble.

Don't mumble about him.

Hey, let me ask
you a question.

Have you seen my sunglasses?

My... you know,
my Dr. Strangelove sunglasses?

I know what you're talking about,
but, no, I haven't seen them.

I've been looking all over
for them. I love those glasses.

Swat, God damn!

What the fuck's
going on in there, man?

I'm cooking, man.
Nothing going on. Just cooking.

You're causing
a fucking disturbance.

Yeah, yeah, you're
making a disturbance.

This ain't no disturbance.
I'm cooking chicken spaghetti.

No, it's not up to you to say
whether it's a disturbance or not.

We're the ones being disturbed.
It's our call.

Yeah. No, he wasn't making
a fucking disturbance, was he?

- That's not a disturbance.
- What the fuck you say?

Oh... no, it's his turn
to deal.

We're playing War.

We're playing cards.

I just fucking told you,
don't talk under your breath.

You wanna get fucked up?

Okay, well, this is
the coup de grâce.

They canceled golf
on Saturday.

Oh, man, I can't live
like this anymore.

I just can't.

There's only one man
who could help me.

- Yes?
- Yeah, it's Larry David.

- Mr. David?
- Yes, sir.

We've been expecting you.
Please come in.


And if you'd follow me.

This way.

Mr. David is here now, sir.

Oh, Mr. David, come in.
Please have a seat.

Thank you. Thank you for
seeing me, Mr. Rushdie.

- No, call me Salman.
- It's not "Salmon"?


Salman? There's an accent
on the second syllable.

Exactly. Now, tell me
why you're here.

Oh, well, I'm sure you, uh...
you've heard about...

Yeah, I heard
about your problem.

And I thought
if there's anybody

who could understand what
I'm going through, it's you.

And to tell you the truth,
I'm at my wit's end.

Let me tell you something.
It took me a long time.

It took me maybe several years

to get to the point that I'm
going to talk to you about now.

I want to give you a shortcut,

which is that, yeah,
it is all those things.

It can be scary, it can be
bewildering, et cetera.

But there are things
that you gain.

There are a lot of women

who are attracted to you
in this condition.

Really? I didn't think
there was any condition

- that they'd be attracted to me.
- You are a dangerous man.

There are very beautiful women

who like that.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Even with me they would like it?

It's not exactly you;

it's the fatwa
wrapped around you.

Like kind of sexy pixie dust.


But you have to stop
acting like a wuss.

I mean, look at you. You look
like a person trying to hide.

- That's exactly right.
- That is not sexy.

Be a man, stop this,
and fatwa sex will follow.

- Fatwa sex?
- The best sex there is.

- Wow!
- Yes.

What about the fatwa itself?
I don't...

You know, you've survived
many, many years now.

Well, it's, you know...
it's there.

- Yeah.
- But fuck it.

Mm, yeah, the
"fuck it" philosophy.

It's a tough one.
I've tried it with orthotics.

It didn't really
work very well.

No, no, you're... look,
you're being pathetic.

- Let me help you.
- What?

There. Now, look,
there you are.

You're a man of danger.

The fatwa sex is beginning
to circle around you,

so be a man now.

Let's go out,
get a bite to eat.

Trust me.

Let's eat!

That's my boy.

Hello. Table for two, please.

Of course, Mr. Rushdie.
Hello, Mr. David.

Turn around, turn around.

- Look.
- Oh. It's him.

Oh, my God.

And your server will be
right with you guys.

- Thank you.
- Sure.

Okay, so, you see?
It's not so bad.

Yeah, I'm in a restaurant
having... having lunch.

You're not behind
some stupid mask.

You can go in a supermarket,
go to a ball game.

- You'll be a person.
- You know what?

I'm feeling a lot
better about things.

Now, tell me something.

This musical,
it's about me, right?

- Yes.
- So, I mean, I'm interested.

Who have you got playing me?

Oh, well, of course, now,
because of this whole fatwa thing,

it's probably not gonna happen.

But the guy I had in mind

was actually Jason Alexander.

You mean, like,
"George" Jason Alexander?

No, you know, that was just
a character that he played.

- Ja... you know...
- There's no remote resemblance.

I mean, he's short.
He's a lot shorter than me.

He's not... a lot shorter?

- He's not that much shorter.
- Inches.

Hmm. Well, who are you
thinking about?

I'm thinking about,
you know, Hugh Jackman.

- That's good.
- Hugh Jackman?

- Yeah, he's a triple threat.
- Are you out of your fucking mind?

He can sing,
he can dance, he can act.

- Yeah.
- He could totally play me.

I think you're delusional.
Anyway, it's all moot.

What's the difference, you know?
It's not gonna happen.

All right, well,
that's a relief.

It's too bad, too,

because what you said
about fatwa sex?

- Yes.
- Oh, my God.

I would've put that
right in the show.

- That is so perfect.
- But that is not the only benefit.

For example, you don't
have to go to anything

you don't want to go to.

- Hmm.
- So, like, your cousin

is giving a reading
of his lousy poetry book,

and you say,
"Sorry, can't make it.

- Fatwa."
- Fatwa.

Somebody calls you, says,
"Can you come pick me up at the airport?"

You say, "Can't make it.
Fatwa. Can't make it."

This is a fatwa
"Life of Riley."

- Yeah, with added death threats.
- With the death threats, yeah.

You know what's happening?
I'm feeling, uh, pretty good.

Pretty, pretty good.

Compliments of the lady.

Oh, my God.

- You know who that is?
- That's Elizabeth Banks, my friend.

She sent you a drink.

This is what
I'm talking about.

Here it is, right here.

Salman, this is...
this is unbelievable.

So don't talk to me.
What are you talking to me for?

Go talk to her.

Do this. Go for it.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Cheers. May I join you?

- Yes.
- Although, I should warn you

that it might be...
it might be a bit dangerous.

- Really? Tell us all about that.
- Yes.

- Is that Salman Rushdie?
- Yes, that's Salman.

We're the, uh...
we're the fatwa boys.

I just can't believe
you're out and about.

- In broad daylight.
- What am I gonna do, Elizabeth?

Look, I'm not gonna walk around
with a mustache and a wig.

- Right?
- Yes, you just face the world.


Hello, ladies, I'm the manager.

I really apologize about
your lunch being late.

There was a disturbance
in the kitchen.

- Ah. What kind of disturbance?
- He's not gonna tell you.

- I am about to tell her.
- Yeah, sure, go ahead.

Yes, we have a very big kitchen,

and we're moving forward now,

and we're going to get
your meal right away.

Can't wait.

He hasn't told you one thing
about the disturbance, has he?

He hasn't... you didn't tell
her about the disturbance,

- just like last time.
- I believe I did.

I've ticked all the boxes...

- You didn't tick one box.
- ...of the disturbance.

You didn't tick a box.
The boxes are empty.

I beg to differ.

Let's get on to that
delicious lunch.

All right, thank you.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- It's okay.

I wanna know everything there
is to know about Larry David.

- To the fatwa boys.
- To the fatwa boys.

He completely changed my
outlook on this whole thing.

At the end of the conversation,

he got up, he ripped off my wig,

and said, "Come on,
we're going out to lunch."

- Unbelievable!
- Welcome. Welcome back.

- Look at you, you're back to normal.
- Yeah.

- Yes.
- I like the other look better.

Ooh, you know what?
She's better every day.

Pretty good. Anyway, Elizabeth
Banks sent a drink to my table.

Oh, my God, I love her.

- Oh, she's fantastic.
- She's fantastic.

- I know. I went over to her table.
- Oh, bullshit.

We had a lovely conversation,
and I saw her last night.

- She's not interested in you, Larry.
- She's swooning.

- She's swooning?
- She's swooning over me.

- You're delusional.
- Do you know why?

- Because I'm dangerous, Susie.
- Yeah.

What the hell are you
doing here, anyway?

I think I might've left
my sunglasses here.

You know, the Dr. Strangelove

Yeah, would you mind
looking for them?

Yeah, I would mind
looking for them.

I'm busy looking
for a little girl.

All right, well,
when you're outside,

you look for Katie,
and when you're inside,

eh... you look
for the sunglasses.

You could do both.
It's like Jeff's Cubs hat.

Have you found
your Cubs hat?

No, I have not.

I'm sure if you ran across
Jeff's Cubs hat,

you would call it
to his attention.

Same thing with
the sunglasses.

That's all I'm asking.

- Excuse me. I don't give a shit
- ...that's all.

about Jeff's Cubs hat...

...about your
Dr. Strangelove glasses.

I care about this kid,
my little sister.

Just keep it in the
back of your mind.

Look, I've got Katie
in the back of my mind.

I've got the sunglasses up front,
Katie's in the back.

- That's so wrong, Larry.
- But it's always in the back.

Katie should be in the
front for both of you.

She's not an inanimate object.

Okay, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do for you.

I'm gonna move Katie all
the way up to the front.

I'm gonna give her equal
footing with the sunglasses.

Both in front of my mind.

Where's my Cubs hat
in this scenario?

I can't handle
three in the front.

It's too much. It's overload.

I'll move Katie
back two paces.

I'm gonna move your
Cubs hat to the front.

That works perfect.

You two have no compassion,

have no caring about
another human being.

There's some partial
truth to that.

- Yeah.
- It's an illness, for sure.

I don't know why I have it,
but I... I definitely do.

Maybe that's her.

- This is fucking nuts.
- Oh, Ted!

She's still gone.

- No, she's still gone.
- You're living the life now.

- Oh, my God, I love her.
- Bless your heart.

- You poor thing.
- By the way,

that car of yours
got me a ticket.


I was at a stoplight
and I beeped a cop.

What's that have to do
with my car?

Because your horn cannot hit the subtle
notes required in the art of beeping.

- A beep's a beep.
- A beep is not a beep.

I'm telling you, that horn is
gonna get you in a lot of trouble.

Mark my words.

So, how much is a beep ticket?


Wow. Are you gonna pay it?

No. I'm fighting it.

I mean, Your Honor,

I don't even know why I'm here.

There should be no such
thing as a ticket for this.

It's our inalienable
right to beep.

Without the freedom to beep,

we are no better than
the beasts in the field.

And I'm not talking
about the common chicken.

I'm talking about the mighty
oxen and the donkey...

- Donkey.
- ...with his floppy ears,

...his pea-brain and his stolid,
slack-jawed gaze.

A revolting creature,
if there ever was one...

- O-okay. Okay, all right.
- ...who walked the earth!

That's enough of that talk about
donkeys and field chickens.

I've got more
about the donkeys...

That's enough.

All right,
so, Officer Jenkins,

you have been in this
courtroom many times.

How many of those cases
has been because

someone has beeped you?

Never, Your Honor.

- Not once.
- A feather in my cap.

I'm a first to beep a cop.

I'm a pioneer, Your Honor.

In the mold of a Rosa Parks.

- Wow. Huh.
- In the mold of a Jackie Robinson.

Mm-hmm. Anyone else
you're in the mold of?

Maybe a Martin Luther King
or a Malcolm X?

Harriet Tubman?

Yes, Harriet Tubman.

Although I'm not quite sure
what she did,

I have a feeling she was
in the pioneer family.

All right,
so do you think that...

I'm sorry, could you
just take a step back?

- You're in the well right now.
- Oh, am I in the well?

- Yeah, that would be called a well.
- Oh, sorry.

Somebody could've told me
about the well, frankly.

I was talking
to you outside.

You never mentioned anything.
Wouldn't have killed you.

I think we need to get back
to you beeping right now.

Your Honor, may I offer
you a cough drop?

You know, you're a judge,
you're talking a lot,

there are people here
all the time.

You get a sore throat.
Take it.

- Take the cough drop.
- I don't need any.

- Take it for later.
- Yeah, all right.

- Okay? Yeah.
- Thank you for your...

- your warm pocket candy.
- You'll thank me.


You'll be sucking on
that thing, going...

"Boy, that guy in court today

really had something
with that cough drop."

The chances of me putting that
in my mouth are very slim.

Well, if you're not gonna suck on it,
you might as well return it.

I mean what's the point of
taking a coughdrop

from somebody if you're not gonna
suck on it? ...Cause I'll use it.

That may be the first thing
that we've agreed on today.

Now take your unsucked candy
and get back to your desk.

Okay, let the record show I
had a good time in the well.

- Hmm.
- That's all I'm gonna say about it.

Love the well.

- I'm so glad I came.
- Yeah, yeah, me, too.

- Yeah, I'm really glad, too.
- This is not going the way you wanted it.

Your Honor, are you listening to
what this man is saying over here?

Huh? Did you listen
to one word... yoo-hoo.

Mr. David, did you just...

did you just yoo-hoo me?

I did. I yoo-hooed you.

You weren't paying attention,
so I yoo-hooed.

Right, so you decided
it was okay to yoo-hoo.

Oh, you can't
yoo-hoo a judge?

You most certainly cannot
yoo-hoo a judge.

I'm affirming the citation.

Very well.
I will pay your citation.

But I cannot leave
this courtroom

without telling you that a grave
injustice has been done here,

for I'm not doing this for me;

I did it for you
and you and you.

- Bailiff.
- And all of you.

For we are not donkeys.

Or in Brooklyn, we would say...

we would say "dunkeys"
for some reason. "Dunkeys."

Hey, come on, buddy.

Oh, jeez, that is...
that is loud.

Oh, no. No, no, come on.

No, no, I... I'm sorry.

- Sorry.
- Roll down the window.

That was just a reminder beep.

That was just a reminder beep.
I'm sorry.

Reminder beep?
Reminder for what?

Well, but the light
had changed and...

No, no, that was
an aggressive fucking beep.

It's a new car
and I'm not used

to the subtleties
of the beeps.

No, I don't give a shit.
Come here. Get out here.

Wait, wait, wait!
It's me, Ted Danson.

"Becker," "Cheers,"
anything? Jesus.

- Hi, Lar.
- Oh, hello.

- Oh.
- This is my friend, Elizabeth.

- Hi!
- Hello, Elizabeth.

- Elizabeth Banks.
- Yes!

- Hi.
- This is Susie Greene.

Hi. Oh, what a beautiful
house this is.

Hi, Jeff.
This is Elizabeth Banks.

- So nice to meet you.
- Hi.

- Nice to meet you.
- The man behind the man.

I get it.

Why don't you come inside,
all right?

Okay, okay.
We'll go inside.

Thank you, Elizabeth.

You know, we were just
in the neighborhood

having a little drive.

I heard about
your little sister.

- Yeah. Oh, you did? Yeah.
- It's terrible.

I lost a cat once,
so I know how you're feeling.

With all due respect,
losing a cat

is nothing like
losing a child.

Well, with all due respect,

I mean, that cat was my child.

And this girl, I mean, it sounds
like you kind of barely know her.

I would say I know
her quite well.

She's an underprivileged child
we took into our home,

and she feels like
our own little girl.

Well, Mr. Noodle
was a stray as well,

who I brought in
off the street,

and literally slept on
my bosom for 17 years.

Mr. Noodle slept
on your bosom?

- Yeah, he did.
- Yeah.

- He was a stray?
- I know how much you miss this girl.

It's... it's a loss,
for sure.

It's a huge loss,
and she's a human being.


- Flesh and blood.
- Not your flesh and blood.

Not my flesh and blood..

- ..but I don't discriminate.
- No. Someone else's.

I'm happy to tweet
a recent photo of her.

I do have a lot of followers.

I have a video of her dancing.

She's a very talented dancer.

Oh, we should put that on my
social channels or something.

I saw her dance. She's not...
she's not much of a dancer.

Oh, what the fuck
do you know, Larry?

- I saw the tape.
- You know talent? You know dancing?

I saw the tape of the dancing.
I don't wanna get into it.

What was the last dance
program you ever saw?

Did you go to
Martha Graham? No.

Yeah, because I don't like to
go out of my way to be bored.

I could show Elizabeth
right now

a video of her dancing,
which is magnificent.

I'll watch that video
and you can watch

a video of Mr. Noodle
chasing a string.

- All right, enough!
- It is the cutest thing you ever saw.

This is a underprivileged child...

- Oh.
- ...who came into our world.

Look, I just wanna
be helpful, you know?

Elvid told me
about the situation and...

- Who?
- Oh, El...

- She calls me Elvid.
- It's my little...

Why the fuck do you
call him "Elvid"?

- It's my little nickname.
- Nickname.

You know? I like to have...
he calls me Lizzie,

- I call him Elvid.
- Oh, Jesus.

Oh, wait a minute.

A cop car just pulled up, Jeff.

What is that?

Oh, my God, Jeff!

- My little sister!
- I'm really sorry.

- Oh, my God!
- My glasses!

My glasses!

I'm so happy to have you back.

Where'd you find her,

- She was at her boyfriend's.
- No, she wasn't.

She doesn't have a boyfriend.
Come on.

- All right.
- You come in. We'll discuss it.

- Bite to eat?
- Love it. Starving.

- Let's do it.
- Great.

That's Jeff's Cubs hat.

You gotta call
the fire department.

The fire department?

That's very dangerous,

I got this, Lizzie.

Wow, Elvid.

Is there nothing
you're afraid of?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yes!


- Let's get the fuck out of here.
- Okay.

You have an...
an idea for an app?

It's a fantastic idea.

Say I invite you over
for dinner one night.

Okay, I like where
this is going.

And I'm cooking...

- And then?
- I've never done this in my life, the way, but I'm...
it's just all hypothetical.

- I like it.
- So, now when dinner's over,

okay, and there's a big pile
of dishes in the kitchen.


We don't wanna deal with that,

Wait till tomorrow.
We've got other things to do.

No, we don't even need
to wait till tomorrow.

- Why?
- I pick up the phone,

I open up the app,
five minutes later,

there's people
doing the dishes.

Excuse me, I'm looking
for a suspect.

He vandalized police property.
Larry David.

Hi, I'm the restaurant

How may I help you?

Yes, I'm looking
for Larry David.

- Ah, yes, Larry David.
- Yeah, I'm looking for him.

He's one of our more
engaging customers.

They'll be driving all over
the city just like Uber...

Okay. Right.

...and then they'll get
their... their dish call.

I just don't understand how you and
I are getting it on after dinner

if there's a rando stranger
in the house doing the dishes.

Oh, my God.

- It's that cop. Come, come, come on!
- Okay, okay.

You're not answering
any of my questions.

Well, I just wanna tell you,

I'm here to support
the men in blue 110%.

Okay, uh, we need a plan.
We gotta come up with a plan.

- What's the story? What do we say?
- Um, okay, here it is.

We went across the street
to buy some lemonade

from these Girl Scouts.

One of the Girl
Scouts is Asian.

It's good to be specific
when you lie.

It's the cornerstone
of a good lie.

- Okay.
- Okay?

And the lemonade
was delicious.

- Yes. I can taste it.
- Delicious lemonade.

Yes, and all of a sudden, a gust
of Santa Ana wind comes along

and knocks the rake off the
roof onto the hood of the car.

- Yes. Okay, I can...
- Got it?

I got it. Yes, of course.
Are you kidding?

I did Shakespeare.
I can handle this.

- Is there a problem?
- Yeah, there's a problem.

You vandalized my car.

- Oh, no, no.
- Oh, no, no, no.

Officer, we were standing
across the street

from your vehicle,

buying some lemonade
from a... a stand.

It's like a, you know,
the wooden with..

- Lemonade stand?
- ..a sign...

..the lemonade stand.

They were the little ones,
the Brownies,

one of whom was Indian.

And we decided that we actually
wanted Arnold Parkers,

- and so...
- Palmers.

- I don't think so.
- Palmer.

Arnold Palmer.

Well, let's leave that
detail for another day.

At any rate,
he went into the house to...


...retrieve the...
yes, there was a man.

An Irishman who went
into the house.

He said...
"I'll go get you...

ye the iced tea
for the Arnold Parker."

And so, while we were waiting

for the Arnolds Palm...
whatever it is.

- Palmer!
- Anyway, a gust of wind came.

- It blew a rake off of the, um..
- The roof!


- Off the roof of the house onto the car.
- I was handling it.

Anyway, it blew the rake
off of the roof...

and that's how your car
was damaged.

All right,
you're coming with me.

It landed on your vehicle.

Great! Great performance!

- You're an actress?
- You know what?

That's the worst performance
I've ever seen in my life!

- You!
- It was a bad script, Larry.

- You wrote me a bad script!
- Oh, oh, a gust of wind.

I do better with a little
more preparation.

You should arrest her
for bad acting.

Look, I need a rehearsal.
I'm not a one-take wonder.

- Give me a break.
- Fuck you, Elvid.

What the fuck?!

Hi. I'm the manager. Sorry..

- there has been a delay in your meal.
- What's taking so long?

Well, there's been a
disturbance in the kitchen.