Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 9, Episode 2 - The Pickle Gambit - full transcript

Larry reaches out to a familiar face, gives a hotel guest sartorial advice and looks to create a diversion to help a friend's nephew.

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Larry, it's Leon!

The fuck?

What's going on, man?

It's fucking crazy
in this fucking room.

What are these
motherfucking shades, man?

Oh, my God.

You need sunlight, man.
You turning white.

- The fuck is going on?
- What are you doing?

What?
I'm in a hotel.

You think you're safe
in a hotel?



I think I'm safer here
than in my house.

The bottom line
is this, Larry--

you can't
fucking hide here.

These motherfuckers want you,
they're gonna come and get you.

Cut your fucking hands off,
cut your feet off,

put your feet
in your back pockets,

put your hands
in your front pockets,

and then carry
your ass out of here

like a piece
of fucking luggage.

How are you helping?

I'm just letting him
know what happens.

You don't need
this shit.

You go to your house.
No one's coming.

I talked to the FBI guy.
He's not gonna lie.



No one is coming.

But I can't go back
to the house.

I gotta move or sell the house
or something.

No, no, no, no.
You can't fucking sell the house.

All of my ladies know
I live there already.

You're gonna set me back
two or three years.

No, you fucking stay there.
You fucking stay.

Get back to your life.
Get back on the horse now!

- Okay, give me two minutes.
- Yeah.

- Proud of ya.
- My man.

Ah.

I was there first.
I should've got that.

I was too busy looking in the
mirror 'cause I'm so vain.

It's no big deal.
I got it.

Thank you,
thank you.

Well, look at you.

Look at me.

May I ask you
a question?

- Sure.
- Why this outfit?

It seems that women
in your profession,

they-- they dress like this
for some reason.

Why not look wholesome?
Why double down on the seediness?

I think I look
really good.

- Mm. Mm.
- No?

Mm, I mean, look at dentists.

They don't walk around
with their smocks on

when they're not in--
when they're not in their office.

- This is a hooker smock is what you got on.
- I'm a hooker.

I know, but you don't
have to show everybody.

- I don't?
- No! People like a mystery.

Imagine putting on a beautiful dress from
Saks Fifth Avenue, you know?

All right, well, first of all,
I'm-- I'm not able to afford

a dress from Saks Fifth Avenue,
so that's not gonna happen.

You're not able
to afford it now,

but get one dress and I guarantee you
in six months,

your closet will be packed
with dresses like that.

Really?

Absolutely.

Okay, so I'm gonna
put the tits away.

Yeah, put--
put the tits away.

- Animal prints gone.
- Yeah.

- No more hooker boots.
- None. Zero.

- Fishnets, out of here.
- Out.

- I think I could do this.
- I think business is gonna boom.

- I really do.
- Thank you so much.

- Oh, well...
- Oh.

I-- I'm so thrilled about this whole thing.
Good luck!

Good luck!
You can do it!

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm checking out a lot earlier
than I had anticipated.

- Oh, we hate to see you go.
- Okay, 1003.

1003. And what is
the name on 1003?

Buck Dancer.

Uh, okay, Mr. Dancer,
let me just bring that up.

- I hope you enjoyed your stay.
- Mm, yeah, yeah, it was fine. It was fine.

Okay, well, be sure
to visit our website.

You can always give us some feedback.
We love notes.

- Don't tuck in.
- The sheets?

- Don't tuck in?
- Yeah, don't-- don't tuck in.

- Too tight for you?
- Who sleeps like that?

It's suffocating.

- You're right.
- It's absolutely suffocating.

Don't tuck.
I will take that note on advisement.

Those cookies,
those are for guests?

Oh, absolutely, yes.
We have a wonderful pastry chef.

- Let me know if you need a box.
- Thank you.

Ah, I see you went for the big ones,
Mr. Dancer, right?

- Yes, yes, I got the first.
- Oh, good, good for you. They're delicious.

Uh, just--
if I may--

uh, we ask that people use the tongs
when selecting their cookies.

Tongs? Yes, yes,
I saw the tongs there.

I eschewed the tongs
deliberately

because the tongs are not
made for picking up cookies.

They-- they crumble
the cookie.

It's not a good system,
the tong.

Uh, we just ask, you know,
that you use the tongs,

which we sort of
provide there on the plate,

you know, just for
sanitary reasons.

Here, look,
I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll take my second cookie
with the tongs...

- Thank you.
- ...all right?

Perfect. Great.

Seem to be making a moment of it,

- but I'll let you have it.
- I wasn't making a moment.

It's just it's hard
to hold it.

Let me ask you
this question--

who put you in charge
of the cookies?

Do you oversee
the cookies?

I was given
explicit instructions

to look over the lobby,
which is my jurisdiction.

So, yes, I oversee
the cookies.

Okay, I-- I don't think
this is within your jurisdiction.

Well, uh, Mr. Dancer,

I have enjoyed spending
so much time with you,

and thank you for
all your wonderful notes,

and, uh, we hope
to see you again.

You say the pastry chef
made these?

Oh, yes.
They're wonderful.

I got news
for you, pal.

This is
a Pepperidge Farm cookie.

- Okay?
- I...

This is a Pepperidge Farm
cookie, that's it.

Well, I will go
to that pastry chef

and I will
confront him about it.

Don't tell people
these are

home-made cookies
by a pastry chef.

- Okay, no, I--
- Okay.

- I wouldn't and I didn't.
- This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie.

I don't believe those are
Pepperidge Farm cookies.

This is
a Pepperidge Farm cookie.

All right,
Mr. Dancer, well,

I will take that
into account--

I'm a little disappointed.
I could buy this in the grocery store

on my way home, so.

- Okay. - But anyway, you're
putting out Pepperidge Farm.

- Fine, great, okay.
- Okay, great. Thank you so much.

Linda, can we get these cookies
out of the way that he touched?

I don't want you to use
these doors anymore. You got that?

- They call this shit "overreacting."
- Is the alarm working?

You should worry about
that goddamn fireplace.

You're gonna
fuck around and forget

and Fatwa Claus gonna come down
that fucking chimney and kill your ass.

What is this shit?
What are you eating?

- Beef sticks.
- Beef stick?

You know how bad
that is for you?

Have you ever read
the ingredients?

Have you ever tried
one of these motherfuckers?

- They're fucking delicious.
- They're disgusting.

Look, beef, of course,

molasses, wheat,
brown sugar.

Brown fucking sugar.
I love fucking brown sugar.

You think black people prefer
brown sugar over white sugar?

Absolutely.
Anything brown over fucking white.

- Pants?
- Of fucking course.

Fuck. Okay,
get the door.

- Give me this thing.
- Don't you-- don't you bitch up.

Ask who it is.
Don't forget.

I'll answer the door.

- Funkhouser.
- Oh.

- Hi. Kenny.
- What's up, Kenny?

- Hi, Leon. How you doing?
- Hey, man.

Hey, Funk-man.

LD, come down here.

- To what do I owe the honor?
- My nephew, Kenny.

- Kenny, hi. Larry. Hi.
- Pleasure to meet you.

- The jewel of the Funkhouser family tree.
- Is that so?

- That is so.
- Huh, how about that.

- Straight-A student, okay?
- Mm.

Member of six clubs
in high school--

runs them all.

He was just voted high school
All-American pitcher.

- All right.
- One-of-a-kind.

- Okay. Yeah.
- Now, wait a minute!

If he nails his SATs,
which he will...

- Mm-hmm. - ...he's going to Stanford
on a full scholarship.

I don't wanna be a hater, but
can't nobody do all that shit in one day.

Well, I mean,
I just work hard and--

I'm saying you're making it feel like this
motherfucker's Forrest Gump or something.

- You ever see that movie?
- Yeah, I've seen "Forrest Gump."

That motherfucker
lived a life.

I mean, I'm not-- I'm not
running across the country.

- You ever see a titty?
- What's the matter with you?

What kind of
a question is that?

Anyway, so, uh,
thanks for stopping by.

- Nice to meet you.
- Thank you.

We-- we were just about to eat,
so I'll see you, uh...

- I'd love a sandwich.
- Me, too.

- I'm starved.
- I don't wanna impose, though.

We got a lot of meats, man.
All kind of shits in that fridge.

- Let's do it.
- Yeah!

- Come on.
- Oh, thank you.

You like bologna and shit?

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- You couldn't--

- Let me tell you something.
- This kid's a pitcher?

Let's get off that.

Looks like he can't
lift a chess piece.

Yeah, you'd have
a good time hitting him.

Here, try that mustard.
It's dope.

Larry has all kind
of goodies in here.

All kind of cheeses
and meats.

- What are you making?
- Sandwiches, baby.

- Who wants a pickle?
- Pickles! I want pickles.

- You can't have a sandwich
without pickles, right? - No!

- Tap it, tap it.
- Yeah.

Do you need any help?
I got it, I got it.

Everybody's gotta be
the hero with a pickle jar.

Everybody
wants to open it.

You just gotta
hit it up.

- Here, give it to the big Funk.
- No, little Funk's got it, okay?

- Come on, let me take a shot at it.
- No.

- What are you doing, Kenny?
- No, I got it!

- Kenny, give me the jar!
- I got it. Ooh! Oh!

- Shit.
- What happened?

- I think I heard it crack.
- Your pitching arm?

- Yeah, that's my pitching arm.
- Oh, my God.

We gotta go to the hospital.

- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!
- Oh, shut up.

- It was an accident!
- I never should've brought him over here!

He tried to open the pickles,
so he took the jar from him,

- and you tried to get it from him, too!
- You're trying to do too much.

Valedictorian,
now you wanna be pickle boy.

- You're doing too much!
- Sorry!

You know, I think we have a
half open jar in the fridge.

What do you know?

What do you know?

Oh, darling,
you're cold. Here.

- Here, put this around you.
- I'm just excited.

Well, that's what
they want me to do.

- I've got a ticket here...
- What's up, Larry?

Yeah.

I had a horrible night
last night.

Horrible.

I couldn't sleep,
was up all night.

I heard-- I heard
someone at the gate.

I heard voices and somebody
creeping around the house.

It, like,
freaked me out.

Well, you know what?
There was a lot of shit going on last night.

I had a little
lady friend come over.

You know, her girlfriend's
waiting outside of the car,

the kid's in the back seat,
jumping around and shit.

You know?

And then I had the pizza guy come over.
He came over--

Okay, so-- so it was you.
So you kept me up, essentially.

I didn't keep you up.
Just some normal shit that I do.

I need some--
I need some security in the house.

You know, like a-- I gotta hire, like,
a Pinkerton guard or something.

You don't need
no Pinkerton guard.

You know what?
I'll tell you what.

- Let me handle this shit.
- You're-- you're gonna hire somebody?

- What are you gonna do?
- What if I get somebody half the price

of that Pinkerton
motherfucker?

I wanna take care of all this security shit
you're worried about, okay?

I'm gonna get you--
get you back to being Larry.

Sitting around here,
looking all frumpy and shit.

Well, no, the only reason
I'm wearing this bathrobe

is because I left
my pajama bottoms--

you know, those
red flannel pajamas?

- Right.
- I left them at the hotel.

I can't leave a hotel room
without leaving something behind.

Never fails.

- Oh.
- Are you expecting somebody?

I'm always
expecting somebody.

If they show the fuck up,
they show the fuck up.

Goodbye, darling.

- Excuse me a minute.
- He's all right, you know.

- He's gonna be all right.
- Hey!

- He's alive!
- Oh!

- Hey, buddy.
- How you doing?

I'm all right.
How are you doing?

Oh, God,
I'm a mess.

- Yeah, so bad.
- I'd be terrified.

Yeah, and the worst part
is the musical's off.

- Oh, you're kidding me.
- No.

It was
such a funny idea.

I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.

- Um...
- Nice of you to come over, though,

and, uh, say hi.

- That's really sweet of you.
- No.

I really appreciate it.
Thank you.

Yeah,
you're welcome.

Um, actually,
you know what?

All right,
I'm full of shit.

The truth is
I'm here to ask--

I'm here to ask your permission
if I can date Cheryl.

Boom.

- Wow.
- Wow?

Yeah, you come over here
under these false pretenses

to, oh--
to see how I'm doing,

and-- and you
wanna date-- No!

No, I-- no, no, I--

If you're asking me
can you date Cheryl, I'd say no.

Let-- let's just
step back just a second.

This is a surprise
to me, too.

We're friends. I didn't wanna sneak
around behind your back.

I need to, like--
to go with my impulses,

and my impulse is
I wanna-- I wanna go out with your ex-wife.

How would you like it
if I went out with Mary, huh?

- Would you like that?
- Don't be stupid.

What does that mean?

It means you're--

you wanna call my ex-wife,
Mary Steenburgen--

- Larry David wants to ask
Mary Steenburgen out? - Oh.

Oh, Larry David is not cool enough
for Mary Steenburgen?

- I-- I just--
- Huh? But Ted Danson is? Is that it?

I didn't say that,
but there's something in there.

Oh, okay, all right.

You know what?
I'll call her right now. How's that?

How's that?
I'll call Mary.

- Fine.
- Okay? Okay?

You want me to?

- Do it.
- Okay.

But then can we get back
to this real subject?

Mary!

- I can't believe it.
- Hey, it's Larry David.

- Hi, Larry!
- Hey!

- How you doing?
- Good, good.

Hey, Mar, um, let--
let me ask you something.

You know what's going on
with Ted and Cheryl?

Ted told me he was
interested in seeing her

and I told him
to go for it.

Well, um...

I was kind of
wondering...

...you know, if he's gonna
go out with her,

why, uh-- why don't
you go out with me?

Wow, Lar.

Oh, my gosh.

Um, I just--

God, I love you so much.

I don't know if we have anything in common
that way, you know?

- Do you think?
- Well, we're both people.

We're Earthlings,
we breathe, we eat,

so we have--
we have that in common.

Yeah, we have that in common
with pretty much everybody,

but I was-- I was just meaning,
like, you know,

maybe you're just not
my physical type.

Sure.
Sure, I understand.

Hope we can have lunch
or go shopping

or do something
together soon.

- Okay, okay. Okay, bye.
- Bye, Lar.

- What'd she say?
- No.

- Mm.
- Not really her type.

- Huh.
- At least, physically.

- Okay. Well, hey...
- Yeah.

- So, you gonna go ahead with this?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Okay. - You should know that
she doesn't give blowjobs.

- Just...
- That's okay.

Okay?
Sex only in the dark.

She's a little revolted
by the penis.

- Really?
- She won't look at it.

- She won't even touch it, okay?
- Well, maybe that's changed.

- It won't change, okay?
- All right, good luck with the fatwa.

Yeah, thanks.
Thanks for being so concerned about it.

- You're in trouble, Larry.
- Yeah. Yeah!

I know.
Tell me about it.

- I like that.
- Oh, yeah?

Yeah, hides the Jew.

Ah, thank you.

Thank you.
That's lovely.

Lovely compliment.
Thank you very much.

- Very sweet.
- What are you doing here, Larry?

- Huh?
- Well, you know...

- What? - ...this has been very,
very difficult for me.

And I'm thinking, who can help me?
I don't know any Muslims.

They're not in show business.
They don't hang out at the deli.

Am I supposed to go into a mosque
and then start chatting them up?

Sure, maybe I can make
a little more effort to seek them out,

but they're not really
coming up to me either!

Do you need
my help, Larry?!

Yes.

Yes.

- I know people.
- You do?

- Mm, I know people.
- Imams, mufti?

- "Moofti."
- "Moofti"?

- "Moofti."
- It's "moofti." Huh.

I always thought
it was "muffti."

Anyway,
so do you know a mufti?

- I know other people.
- Who? Who do you know?

I know
the consul of Iran.

You know the consul?

- Is that so?
- Yes.

Look at you!
You are really something!

- Eh.
- How do you know the consul?

I have
my connections.

Are you a--
are you a plotter?

Are you one
of the plotters?

- Do you plot?
- I've plotted before.

- You've plotted?
- I've plotted.

Wow.

You're on my side,
right?

Fuck me,
you godless fuck!

You infidel fucking Jew!

Try and keep it kosher,
could you?

You fatwa fucking bastard!

- I'm a fatwa fuck.
- Yes! Talk dirty to me, Larry.

Blaspheme to me like you blasphemed
to the Nation of Islam!

Donald Trump!

Steve Bannon!

Jared Kushner.

Mike Pence!

Kellyanne Conway!

- Mitch McConnell!
- Yeah!

Rudy Giuliani!

Yeah, yeah!

Rougher, Larry!
Rougher!

Sentence me to an orgasm

- like you've been sentenced to death!
- You're choking me!

Is this a fatwa!

This is a fatwa!
Fa-fa-fa-fatwa!

Fatwa! Fatwa!

Hey! Hey!

No fatwa up in here!
No fatwa!

- What?
- No fatwa!

Yeah, Larry, that's Swat,
your knew security.

You can thank me later
for that shit.

Yeah, I'm not even
gonna bring up

the fact you're fucking
in your goddamn glasses.

Hey, Swat,
break her ass in half!

Hello, is this--
is this Mr. Khashayar?

- Yes, this is he.
- Yeah, this is, um-- this is Larry David.

I'm a friend
of Shara Ghorbani.

She said that perhaps
there might be a way,

you know, to set up
a, uh-- a meeting.

It's better if you don't come here
under the circumstances...

- Hey, Larry. - Wait, I'm sorry.
Could you hold on one second?

Shut the fuck up!
I'm on the phone.

Hey, I'm gonna give Swat the guest room.
Where the towels at?

They're down the hall
in the linen closet.

Yes, I'm sorry.

I have two nincompoops
in my house, unfortunately.

- Anyway, so, um--
- I would suggest a video conference.

- Oh.
- I can arrange for that if you like.

Oh, you wanna
set up a video call?

Yeah, the video call
would work great.

- Yes, excellent.
- Yeah.

Good. I will have one of my staff
members contact you to arrange for it.

- Yeah, I--
- Hey, Larry!

Wait, I'm sorry.
Hold on one more sec.

What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Shh, I'm on the phone!

This goddamn towel's
hard as fuck, man.

Shut the fuck up!
I'm on the phone!

I'll be there in a second.
Shut up!

These towels
too rough, man.

- I like a softer towel.
- Hey, Swat? Swat?!

Shut up!

Yeah, I'm sorry.

No, it's
the nincompoops again.

- Nincompoops?
- I'll wait to hear from your office.

- Larry!
- As I said, they will be in contact.

- Okay. Yes, all right, thank you.
- Goodbye, Mr. David.

What's so important
about these fucking towels?

Look, these towels are
a little too rough, man.

I like
a soft towel, Lar.

He wants something
more velvety.

Velvet, it doesn't even
dry you, velvet.

It doesn't--
it doesn't get the water off.

A harder, coarser towel
works a lot better for drying.

If I don't use something velvety,
I'ma get ashy as hell, Lar.

- You want me to go shopping for towels?
- It'd be nice.

The man's a guest in your house.
He's your fucking security.

- He's gonna take care of you.
- By the way,

you need to familiarize
yourself with that.

- What? What is this?
- It's a list.

- Persimmons. You eat persimmons?
- Antioxidants.

No stone fruit?

I'm telling you,
they kill me, Larry.

I'll drop dead right on
this fucking carpet.

Even the "oals"
will fuck me up.

- Even the what?
- The "oals" from the fruit will fuck me up.

If this fucking man
even sees a fucking stone fruit,

he's gonna eat the shit, so don't bring
no stone fruit in the fucking house.

So now I can't have
stone fruit?

Yeah.

Absolutely, we will
send that right up.

All right,
thank you very much.

- Hello.
- Ah, Mr. Dancer.

I'm sorry to report that I left a pair
of pajama bottoms

in my room,
which was 1003.

- So just pajama bottoms.
- Fantastic pajamas, by the way.

- I don't doubt it.
- I mean, the best feature about them

is that the flannel's thick,
so they obfuscate the penis,

so you could walk around
with other people in the house

and you don't see
any flopping,

as opposed to the pair
that I have now,

my-- my second pair.

- Okay.
- A little thinner.

You see the clear outline of the penis--
very unpleasant.

- I will check in the back and I will be
right with you. - Thank you very much.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Are you in charge
of the-- the cookies?

Um, yeah, I guess so.

So you oversee
the whole cookie operation?

Uh, I don't bake them,
but I--

Well, they're not baked,
they're bought in a store.

But that's neither here
nor there.

Let me just ask you
about the display here.

- Okay.
- Was this whole idea yours--

the display, the tongs,
the whole thing?

- Um...
- 'Cause I have to tell you,

the tong is not
a friend of the cookie

by any stretch
of the imagination.

Okay, you must be
Mr. Dancer.

- Yes! Yes.
- Yes.

- I am.
- Okay.

What I believe
you should be thinking about

is separating
the cookies

so people can use their fingers
and not the tongs.

No friend
of the cookie.

May I just demonstrate
what I'm talking about?

- No, sir, please don't.
- Just watch how easy this is.

- It's hotel policy.
- You see how easy I picked that out?

- It was so simple.
- Mr. Dancer.

I successfully was able
to find your pajama bottoms,

and I see that you are not
using our tongs again.

No, I was just merely
demonstrating something...

- I asked him to use the tongs.
- I know you did, Claudia.

- Thank you very much. - And by the way,
you're not even in charge of the cookies.

- Claudia is.
- I asked you to please follow our policy,

and you are no longer a guest here,
actually, so I'm just now asking you

- to just respect that.
- Ah, what?!

What?!

Oh, my God!

The tongs dropped
on the floor,

you put them back
on the table?!

- I wiped them.
- She wiped them.

That's like
eating off the floor!

- It's the same thing!
- It's not at all the same.

It is the same thing! You might
as well put the floor on the table!

- Okay, you know what?
- This is a disgrace!

Okay, you know
what is a disgrace,

that we're having
this conversation again.

And here is what I'm gonna
say to you right now--

don't ever return to this hotel--
I'm serious-- or I will call the cops.

Like I would wanna return to a hotel
that's serving Pepperidge Farm cookies

and trying to pass them off
as if you have a pastry chef!

Fine, and if you do,
I will call the police, Mr. Buck Dancer.

Kenny was a perfect kid,

and look
what's happened here!

Look what's happened
to my jewel,

my nephew, who is
an all-star pitcher.

He's up there now
in a cast!

Why did you have to
fight him for the pickle?!

Why did I have to fight him?
You fought him for the pickles, too!

I didn't fight him;
I let it go!

Oh, you let it go.

You tried to open
that pickle jar

just like I did!

Everybody wants to be
a pickle jar hero.

You broke
his elbow, okay?

Are you happy?

He's just
a different kid.

His personality
has changed.

He's filled
with angst.

He's, like,
ready to explode.

And you wanna know why?

The way he relaxes
is the way all men relax.

It's called
"ejaculation."

He can't use
the right hand, okay?

This is his
ejaculator, okay?

It's done,
it's in a cast.

- Yeah.
- Mr. Kenny, some lunch!

What the hell is this shit?! Fuck!

You call this lunch?! Take your
banana and shove it up your ass!

- Get out! Get the fuck out!
- Señor, he's crazy!

Leave me the fuck alone!

I don't even
know him anymore.

- Wow.
- I'm scared to death of him.

He can't masturbate.

He can't make it
come out.

- He can't go left?
- No, he can't go to his left.

- Can you go to your left?
- Eh, nobody can.

- No one can.
- Yeah.

It's funny, though,
there's other things I can do lefty.

I can eat lefty,
I can brush my teeth lefty.

There's
a big difference.

You need rotation,
you need tempo,

you need feel.

I don't know
what's gonna happen

'cause he can't
concentrate anymore.

He told me today
he doesn't give a shit about the SATs.

He doesn't care
about Stanford.

He doesn't care
about anything.

- Wow.
- He's lost his will.

Hey!

I met this woman
in the-- in the hotel,

and I think-- I think
she could help him.

What does she do?

She's a--
she's a prostitute.

Okay,
here's the deal.

You're gonna go in there,
you're gonna go to the right,

- near the front desk.
- Mm-hmm.

- You're gonna try and open
this jar of pickles. - Okay.

It's gonna create a diversion, everybody's
gonna come over and try and help,

and then I'm gonna sneak in
so the guy doesn't see me

- and try and find Paula, okay?
- Right, right, right.

This is called
the "pickle gambit."

I like that, man.
Hey, it's cool.

- What's my name?
- All right, that's irrelevant.

- Okay?
- What do you mean it's irrelevant?

- Okay, you want a name?
- I want a fucking name!

Okay, uh, Chick Gandil,
that's your name.

He played first base
for the 1919 White Sox,

the team that threw
the World Series.

Wait a fucking minute.
I'm not gonna be on no goddamn White Sox.

Would you prefer somebody
from the Negro leagues?

Yeah, give me
a fucking name.

- Chappie Johnson.
- That's a black man's name right there.

That's fucking great.
I love it.

- All right.
- I could do that shit.

- Okay, get in there.
- I got you.

Okay, I'm a--
I'm a diversion.

I got you.
I fucking got you, Lar, all right?

My name is Chappie Johnson

and I can't open
this damn pickle jar.

- Let me take a crack at that.
- I can help you with that.

I'm gonna have to put you
on hold for a second.

Give it here, Chappie.
Give me a shot at it.

Guys, I saw
from over there.

Let me just get
a run at it, all right?

I'm small,
but you'd be surprised.

Let me see that, let me see that.

Just try it again.

Put force into it.

- I didn't--
- I got it, I got it.

I didn't get
a good run at it.

Come on!

Larry, it's me.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

- Look at you.
- Do you like it?

I-- I'm stunned!

This is-- I--
my mind's exploding!

- Oh, my gosh.
- This is incredible.

- Look at you. Look at you!
- Oh, really?

- Ugh!
- You think so?

Well, I am so happy,

and I owe it all
to you.

- It worked.
- It worked.

It worked.
My life has been changed.

Business--
never been better.

The men--
gentle, respectful.

I did a hooker mitzvah!
It's a hooker mitzvah!

You are
a visionary.

I don't know what I can do
to properly show my thanks.

You don't have
to do anything.

The mere fact that
you're happier having sex

with a multitude
of strangers,

that's all-- that's all
the thanks I need.

Aw, Larry!

That's awesome.
Thank you!

You know what?
This is unbelievable that I actually ran--

I came here specifically
looking for you.

- Oh, you did?
- Yes, I did.

- Oh, that's amazing!
- Yeah, because I actually do

- need your services.
- You do?

- Yes.
- Okay, well, fine.

It's for-- it's for
my friend's nephew.

- His name is Kenny Funkhouser.
- Of course!

Tell me when and where.
I'll be there.

- No problem.
- Fanta--

- I feel great, I feel great.
- Hey, do you want a drink?

- Just a quick drink?
- Uh, no let's get a, uh--

let's raid the minibar
like normal people.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

Yes.

Here, give it to me, give it to me!

You can't open it!

We need to
get a butter knife.

- Come on, let me give it another try.
- No.

We need a plier,
we need a plier.

But a hatchet will
shatter the entire jar.

- Get a plier.
- She can't open it.

- What, 'cause I'm a woman?
- Yeah, exactly!

- We need one more shot.
- Give me that!

Mr. Dancer!

Whoa!

- Huh?!
- Wow.

- Yeah!
- Wow, are you serious?

Are you for--
Claudia, get security.

I'll keep
Mr. Buck Dancer here.

- Okay?
- No, I gotta get--

I don't care, I don't care.

I'm not touching cookies,
I'm not talking tongs!

I don't care! I warned you
if you came back here, this would happen.

- Get out of my way, baldy!
- Ah-ah!

- That is it, sir. You are out of here.
- Unhand me, you brute!

I have dementia!

What the...?

Unbelievable!

- As often as I can.
- Really?

- Yes...
- No.

- So, are you nervous?
- A little.

Oh, well, don't worry.
I'll take care of everything.

- You just lay back and relax.
- Okay.

I like your dress.

Aw, thanks!
I got it at Saks Fifth Avenue.

- Oh, that-- that's a nice store.
- Mm-hmm.

Take your clothes off,
Kenny.

You know, Mary,
she's with this guy,

he's bald with glasses--
he looks just like me!

She said
I wasn't her type.

Unbelievable.
And now Ted--

Ted's going out
with Cheryl.

- What about that? - Well, you haven't been
married to her in a long time.

There's nothing wrong
with that!

Would you do
something like that?

You wanna go out with Cheryl,
you do it behind my back.

- You'd never know.
- That's the way to do it.

Yeah.
I called Cheryl.

- I called her twice.
- For what?

Just to talk to her
and see how she was doing,

and shopping tips
and stuff like that.

- We had a cup of coffee.
- You're kidding.

- Two movies.
- What?!

A walk in the park.

Yeah, well,
it's not a big deal.

One dinner.

I went behind your back!

It's the only way to go!

Yeah, that's true.

Boy, Kenny sounds like
he's having some fun.

Tough to
listen to, though.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I got a-- I got a Skype thing
with the Iranian consul guy.

I'll see you later.

I'm not staying here
by myself.

Mr. David, at last we meet
face-to-face.

Heh-hey!
Hey, look at this!

Modern technology, sir.

What-- what exactly does a consul do?
It's a...

Let's just say if you wanted
to come to Iran one day and visit,

you would be
going through myself.

I'm not setting foot in that place,
with all due respect.

Not gonna
set foot there.

Excuse me.

- What is that?
- A cookie.

What are you using,
tongs?

Yes.
We use tongs.

- In fact, we invented the tong.
- Okay.

All right, Mr. Consul,

let's, uh-- let's not
go crazy here.

You invented the tong.
I don't think so.

I don't see Iran
as the tong inventor.

Mr. David, I have
a very busy agenda today.

Please let me know
how I can help you.

Well, um, you're aware
of my situation, of course,

and I was
hoping beyond hope

that somehow
you could perhaps

put in
a good word for me,

tell the ayatollah
how profoundly sorry I am

for what I did
and said and...

Mr. David, you have come
to the right person

because-- I tell you this
in confidence--

I am a huge fan
of your work.

I have watched
every episode of "Seinfeld."

This is-- this is
really, truly remarkable.

Is that so?
What's your favorite episode?

Isn't everybody's favorite episode
the puffy shirt?

It's unbelievable!

I also love the one
with the close talker.

Ugh, oh, my God!

I must tell you
something, Mr. David.

The ayatollah himself
is a bit of a close talker.

- Is that so?
- Yes!

Oh, I wouldn't wanna get too close
to that guy, to tell you the truth.

It doesn't look like
he's popping Life Savers

in his mouth
all day long, you know?

Ah, yes, well...

- Okay.
- All right.

Okay, oh, yeah!

Come on.
Come on, honey!

You can do it,
you can do it!

Come on, come on!

I'm coming, Larry!

Oh, God,
you're so good!

Larry!

I am very confident
that we can

accomplish something
here together.

Thank you so much.
I'm so appreciative and--

Uncle Marty, Uncle Marty!

What the-- oh!

Oh, my God!

- Oh, no!
- What is that?

Oh, oh! No!

No, no! Swat, Swat!
Not her, not her!

Just get rid
of the Muslims!

No, it's a game!

That's a game!
Mr. Consul!