Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 8, Episode 6 - The Hero - full transcript

Larry accidentally becomes a hero on the flight to New York, earning him the respect of the woman sitting next to him on the plane. It backfires when Jeff and Suzie try to court Ricky Gervais.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
( Theme music playing )

Attendant: - Welcome aboard.
- Thanks.

I'm here.
Excuse me.

Welcome aboard.


No, thank you.

Are you really
pushing my drink back?


- Encroachment?
- Yes, you're encroaching.

Oh. Sorry.

That's a penalty.

Passage or penalty?

Look at this.
Look at the size of these laces.

Have you noticed that they're making
laces much longer than they used to?

I'm just-- I'm actually
trying to read something.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.
Sorry to disturb you.


I could do better than this.

I'll pick it up.

Excuse me.

Do you mind my asking
where you're going?

I was going to go
to the bathroom.

This bathroom is for
coach passengers only.

Who said that?

Um, earlier I tried
to use the one up there

and I was told that, you know, coach
isn't allowed to use first class.

- We have our different areas.
- I am so sorry that they did that.

- That's terrible.
- Thank you for understanding.

Well, I understand
and I empathize with you

- that you weren't allowed to do that.
- Thank you.

But I'm still going
to use the bathroom.

- Why would-- Why?
- I didn't stop you from using that bathroom.

Oh, 'cause you're in first class so you
get to do whatever you want to do.

- Not at all.
- You get on first.

- You get free drinks. You get a hot towel.
- No no.

Just 'cause I'm sitting up there you're
making a generalization about me.

But I'm not like
a first-class person.

- I'm coachy.
- It's just that you're not acting coachy.

- I didn't stop you.
- You're not acting coachy. You're acting first classy.

- I'm coachy.
- No, but you just think you get to walk back here--

- You got it all wrong, okay?
- Oh, I'm sure that I do.

You'd be up in first class if
someone bought you a ticket.

- Poor misunderstood first class.
- Oh, poor little coachy girl.

- I get everything.
- She's so jealous 'cause everybody else

is more comfortable
than the coachy girl.

I just want to pee
somewhere-- Everywhere.

- I have nothing.
- ( Both mock crying )



Yes sir, can I help you?

Yeah, I'd like
another drink, please.

Um, I actually think you
might have had enough.

( Humming )

No, I don't want water.

I said scotch with two ice cubes.
No water.

- I cannot serve you any more alcohol.
- What?

For Christ's sake, I'll get it myself.
Where's the drink cart?

( Humming )

- Shut up!
- Sir, get out of my face and sit.

You get out of my face.
Just get the fucking drink.

That is it.
I'm going to speak to the captain.

No, I am going
to speak to the captain.

Why can't I have
another fucking drink?

- ( Passengers gasp )
- ( Man shrieking )

Oh no, I'll stop. Please don't hurt me.
Don't hurt me.

Don't hurt me.
I'll go back to my seat.

- Please don't hit me.
- I-- I just-- it was--

- Don't hit me anymore.
- I didn't really--

Thank you. Sir, that man was
abusive and he was drunk.

- Thank you.
- ( Applauding )

Good job.

Trying to help.
I was helping out.

Somebody had to help her.

Oh, please.

Oh my-- Oh.

- Thank you.
- Susie: What happened?

- That was you?
- That was me. I jumped on him.

- Crazy. What motivated you?
- Yeah.

You know, uh, he was
abusing the stewardess

and I just did it.

- Look at you. How about that?
- So not like you.

- I didn't even think about it really.
- God, you're very brave.


You are.
You're a hero.

That too, I suppose.

I'm Donna, by the way.

Oh hey.


- Thank you.
- Pfft.

Larry: What is the deal
with these shoelaces now?

They make them so long.

I mean, I'm tripping over
these laces five times a day.

But you got a girl out of it.

She thinks I'm a hero.

Only you and I know you
weren't an intentional hero.

You don't think there's any way in the world
I would have done something about that guy?

Impossible. Ricky Gervais is
sitting in the booth behind you.

- Oh, really?
- Yup.

Can I turn around
or is that--

- All right, are we ready?
- Yeah.

You know they replaced
all the lighting here.

- Oh yeah, it's very nice.
- And then really went with what you got over there.

So it's all-- And then I keep this
going until you've turned around.

- There you go.
- Okay, yeah.

He's in town doing a play
right next door.

Oh yeah, I heard about that play.
What's it called?

Uh, "Mr. Higginbotham"?

- "Mister Simmington." Yes.
- "Mister Simmington."

I've been hoping to sign him.
I just-- I love him.

- He'd be great to have.
- Yeah, he's great. You know what?

- I'm gonna buy him a bottle of wine.
- Great move. Why not?

Would you like me to get a
bottle of wine for Mr. Gervais?

- Sure.
- How did you--

- Okay. Yeah, sure. Please.
- Excellent.

- Okay.
- I'll take care of that.

See, you've got to be
careful with these waiters.

They come over to your table,
they eavesdrop.

I think that's why they're
always pouring the water.

- Yeah.
- You can't say anything personal.

I think that's one of the perks of
the job is picking up the tidbits.

It's a tidbit festival.

- Excuse me.
- Yes?

- Did he order the wine?
- Yes, he got a very nice bottle.

In fact, it was a $300 bottle.
So the best in the house.


A $300 bottle of wine?
Are you serious?


He looks very happy.

I'm sorry, that's completely

- It is inappropriate.
- It's really taking advantage.

I agree with you.
But listen, man, I am starving.

My blood sugar is just
going down to my feet.

If I don't eat something--
I feel, like, faint.

- Our food's sitting up there.
- Our food's sitting up there?

- Yeah.
- Well, what the fuck?

What is he doing? He's just sitting
there schmoozing with them?

Yeah, it's like he found
a new best friend.

You know what?
How about if I just go get it?

- If you do that you're a hero.
- Really?

- You're a hero.
- You got it, pal.

All right.
Thank you.

- ( Laughing )
- One for you and one for me.

Oh yes.

- Enjoying your meal?
- As a matter of fact I am.

Um, where did
this food come from?

I brought it here.

You understand I'm the waiter?

Yet we were the ones
who were doing the waiting.

So we became the waiters.

This man is a hero.

He just revolutionized the way
restaurants work, my friend.

No one's gonna go hungry again.

- Sorry.
- Gentlemen.

I just can't believe,
quite honestly,

that I haven't heard about what
happened on the plane, Larry.

- Honestly, it was nothing.
- I think people need to know about it.

I mean, do you remember
Sully Sullenberger?

- Sully, yeah.
- Sully Sullenberger.

When he landed that plane
in New York City

right there in the water,
that was inspiring to people.

That's interesting.
I never made the Sully connection before.

I wonder what Sully would have
done if he was in my shoes?

Not that I'm comparing
myself to Sully.

People should know
that you did this.

This is a whole other side of you
that people don't know about.

You know about it.
That's enough for me.

- Okay.
- If you want to call Sully...

- ( Laughs )
- If we can get Sully's number

- you can tell Sully, okay?
- You're too modest.

It's funny, you know?
I've never really been tested like that before.

- Hmm.
- Didn't fight in a war.

Once I went to the seventh game
of a world series

and came home on the subway
and it was very crowded

and hot and disgusting.

- People were sweating on me.
- Hmm.

But I maintained my composure.

I thought that was a good sign.

Thank God you were on the plane.
That's all I have to say.

- You could say more.
- I could?

- Yeah.
- ( Laughs )

Keep the change.

- This is where they live?
- They live around the corner.

But I want to stop at
the bakery and get some bread.

No wine?

Everybody brings wine.
I bring bread.


( Doorbell buzzes )

- Ah, hello.
- Hello.

- Hello, Donna. So good to see you again.
- Hi.

- Good to see you too.
- The food's gonna be a lot better here

than on the plane, I guarantee.

What is that, Lar?


This is what you bring?

- It's Italian bread.
- Yeah.

Yeah, but this
doesn't go with my menu.

You don't know
what I'm serving.

Don't impose your desires
on my whole cuisine.

- It's delicious.
- Everyone brings wine or maybe some nuts.

- That's the point. Everybody brings that.
- You bring bread.

- If everybody's bringing that--
- Ah, Ricardo.

- How are you?
- I'm so excited that you're here.

Star power.

Star power at
my dinner party, huh?

- Thanks so much for coming.
- A little gift.

Oh my God.
Oh my God, I can't believe this.

- Signed.
- Signed.

The funniest show in
the history of television.

- It was funny.
- I love this show.

I wouldn't call it the funniest
show in the history of television.

I would, Lar.
This show was hilarious.

No doubt about it, funny show.
But the history of television?

"Seinfeld," lovely show.

Well, thank you. It was good.
There was good.

- Oh no, I love broad comedy.
- Yeah.

- I will treasure this, Ricky.
- I love the laugh track on it.

- I'm so happy he's here.
- It reminds you when to laugh.

- We didn't do one.
- It's a very funny show.

It's just odd to just show
up with your own DVD.

- Yeah.
- Never heard of somebody

who's in something and then
showing up with it.

- You've never heard of that?
- No, it's an odd thing.

What, do you mean it's odd because
you've never heard of it?

- You don't know everything, do you?
- Well, no.

I'm sure there's loads of things that go on
that you've never heard of that aren't odd.

What's this deal?
You got a scarf?

Yeah, I want to keep my throat warm
'cause I'm in a play at the moment.

So I have to project everything.
It's not like tv.

- If you don't mind my saying...
- Not at all.

It looks slightly affected.

Yeah, I was worried about that.

But one person
thinking it's affected,

1,000 people let down...

- I get it.
- Yeah.

So what's the name
of this play?

- "Mister Simmington."
- What is it? Is it drama?

- Yeah, very much so.
- Really?

It's one man's fear of
the outbreak of World War I.

And he's worried about
what will happen to Britain.

It's a sort of
double-edged story

because the parallel is he's
fighting his own war, a class war.

- It's not that important.
- You should come along and see it tomorrow night.

I'll get you
a couple of tickets.

Jeff and Susie are coming.
So join the party.

Oh, um...

You know what?
I'd love to.

Donna is working tomorrow night.
She can't come.

But you could
still come though.

Come along. You can't talk to her
anyway during a play, can you?

So you're not really missing her
for that three and a half hours.

- Three and a half?
- Yeah.

- Mmm.
- Drinks in the interval.

- "Mister Simmington" it is.
- Excellent.

Tickets will be
at the box office.

- Let me ask you a question.
- Go on.

Did you enjoy the wine
the other day?

Oh, thank you, yes.
It was absolutely wonderful.

- I hope so because it cost a lot of money.
- It was beautiful.

- So I hope it was good for that price.
- It was great. Really great.

You know, it was like
a $300 bottle of wine.

Was it?
I didn't look at the price.

- You didn't?
- No, not when it's a gift.

- That's kind of odd, isn't it?
- No, not when it's a gift.

- Really? Does it?
- It ruins it. Yeah.

Huh, interesting.

'Cause then you put a monetary
value on someone's gesture.

Some people might think that you
may have taken a little advantage.

Who? Who?

- Well, I suppose if you took a survey--
- Why would you ever do that?

- Just to see. Just to get an answer.
- Okay.

- And you say to this person...
- Yeah.

If somebody offered you a
bottle of wine in a restaurant,

how expensive a bottle
of wine would you order?

I would think I'd better look at the price.
I don't want to take advantage.

Here's my DVD-- $30.
No, I'd never say it.

This very generous person
bought me a bottle of wine,

I don't think I'll take
advantage of him.

It doesn't matter.
It's a gift, that's how I look at it.

Susie: Okay, everybody,
dinner is served.

There's place cards on the table.
Find your name.

I've done something a little
interesting and different.

- Donna, you're over there next to Ricky.
- Okay.

- I've separated the couples.
- What?

- I thought it'd be fun.
- What are you talking about separating the couples?

- I separated the couples.
- Why? What's the point of that?

- Meet new people, mingle.
- I don't want to meet new people.

- I don't want to mingle.
- Well, you're gonna have to

because you're sitting
down there next to Hank.

- I have to sit next to some stranger for three hours?
- Just go do it.

- Just go, okay?
- This is ridiculous. Ridiculous.

All right, everyone.
Bon appétit.

- Ricky: Looks amazing.
- Susie: Doesn't it?

Thank you.
To our first dinner party.

- Cheers.
- All: Cheers.

First of many.

Susie: We're just here for the summer.
We're subletting.

- How's it going?
- Hey.

Oh, you're married
to the actress, right?

I am. I am the husband
of the brit.

- I'm Hank.
- Yeah well, hi. Larry.

- Hey, Larry.
- I don't know why they had to separate the couples.

I mean, that's ridiculous.
You know, totally ridiculous.

( People laughing )

Turned out to be a door for good skin
so he wasn't a pedophile at all.

- ( Laughing )
- Oh my God.

That's true.

You know, when I first saw you

I guessed you for a spaniard.


- I'm glad you're not Spanish.
- Really?

I'm not a fan of the Spanish.

Why is that?

It's a personal thing.
I got picked on a lot by some kids.

By spaniards?

Well, they spoke Spanish.

Oh, they're not from Spain?

I don't know where
they were from.

- ( Banging )
- Oh my God.

- What is that?
- I'm sorry, I've shattered your bread.

What is that? It's not my bread.
Larry brought it.

- It's hard, huh?
- Wow.

- It's supposed to be hard.
- Not this hard.

Yes. You know what?
You don't know anything about bread.

I know that you're meant to
be able to eat it at least.

Right. It's supposed
to be toasted, okay?

Toasted with some butter
and maybe a little garlic.

You know what?
Talk to your friends and neighbors

down at that end of the table.
Annoying everybody.

I don't really even know
how to write cursive anymore.

So how's your marriage?

What the hell?
Why would you ask me that?

I'm trying to elevate
small talk to medium talk.

Okay, fine.

It's all right.

You know, it's fine.
It's okay.

How often do you have sex?

- Almost never.
- Hmm.

( Donna laughing )

What we did is we made
another one further down

- and his little plums are hanging down.
- Jeff: His plums!

We covered them in breadcrumbs

so the carp would sort of
jump and nip at them.

Yeah, it was amazing.

- Jeff: You're kidding me.
- Larry: You know what?

You know what?
This is not fair what's going on here.

- This is not fair.
- What's the matter?

You say you're separating
the couples?

- You're not separated.
- We're the hosts.

Oh, you're the hosts?
You fixed this whole thing, okay?

You fixed it all so you
could be at the cool table.

You got Ricky Gervais, you got
Ally, you got your Broadway stars.

- Go back and sit down.
- The cool table?

What are you, in third grade?

Excuse me, Susie.
Where is the toilet?

- Ooh!
- Susie: Oh my gosh!

So sorry. Ricky, can I
please pay you for that?

Oh, don't.
It's very expensive.

- It's okay, I insist.
- It's a $500 scarf.

That's okay.
I'm good for it.

- Hank, what happened?
- I tripped over my shoelaces.

That's exactly how Larry fell
into the guy on the plane.

- What?
- On the plane he tripped over his shoelaces.

Larry, is that true?

You know what, Larry? I think you're
taking the wrong tactic with these women.

I really do. I think you have
to present who you really are.

- Otherwise you get stuck.
- I did present who I really was--

A phony, a fraud,
a prevaricator.

- I presented who I was.
- No, it's better she knows who you are.

And she either
accepts you or not.

I took her home
at the end of the night.

She was so cold.
She's lost all respect for me.

Honestly, this whole thing never would have
happened if you didn't separate the couples.

We became a couple because we
didn't want to be separated.

My dinner party,
you play by my rules.

You know what? Don't invite me anymore.
How about that?

I don't have any choice.
You're like an appendage to us.

Hey, Larry David.
Ricky Gervais left a ticket for me.

Here you go.
It's $200.

They're charging me $200
for the ticket.

I thought he was giving
it to me for free.

- What can you do?
- What is it with this guy?

- He's costing me a fortune.
- Just pay. We're here.

- At least the seats are good.
- Yeah. Thank you.

- Nice full house.
- Good seats.

Yeah, full house.
Oh, here.

- What are you doing?
- I want the aisle.

That's my ticket.
I had the aisle ticket.

Larry, we had three seats,
they were the house seats

and any one of us could sit
in any of these seats.

No, you weren't there
when I got the envelopes.

I took them out
and put them together.

Hey, don't fuck things up for me.
Sit down.

God damn it.
Sit next to your husband.

I don't want to sit next to my husband.
I'm with him all the time.

He's your best friend,
you sit next to him.

Last night it was okay
to sit next to him.

That was fine, right?
You separate the couples

but you sit next to your husband.
I'm a little confused.

- What are you confused about?
- Last night's very regimented.

Okay? And tonight it's like
a free-for-all, is that it?

- I want the aisle.
- Keep your voices down.

- I'm very confused.
- ( Applause )

( Dramatic music playing )

Ally: Mr. Simmington!
Mr. Simmington!

Yes? Yes?

- What?
- Have you heard?

Of course I've heard.
It's in the morning paper.

It's not every day
that Archduke Franz Ferdinand

is struck down
by an assassin's bullet.

I'm scrunched in here.
I want that seat.

- Oh, fuck you, Larry. I'm the girl.
- Shut up.

You're a girl?
You're a witch.

And should it be
a life they give,

then they will give it gladly.

- ( Arguing )
- This unforg--

( arguing continues )

Shut the fuck up.

If that is so, then I am done.

- Shall I lose you?
- ( Arguing continues )

Shall I lose Robert?

And what about you?

I-- I will do
my duty gladly.

How am I gonna watch
this for three hours?

It's gonna be rough
for all of us.

Watch the play.

Did you hear the fucking idiots
talking all the way through as well?

- Just like "bip bip bip."
- You were fantastic.

- Really?
- In fact, I was able to overhear

what the whole to-do
was about.

Yeah, there was a woman and she took
a seat that didn't belong to her.

She was a hideous
hideous looking person.

Susie: I don't think you
got a good look, Larry.

- I got a great look.
- The woman was quite attractive if I recall.

- Maybe on some bizarro planet.
- Mm-hmm.

Listen, you were great.
Forget about them. You were great.

No, honestly, that's
the worst I've ever been.

That was, like-- That was-- At
most that was nine out of 10.

And usually I'm 10 out of 10.

- That was a nine out of 10?
- A nine?

- Yeah.
- Larry: Seems a bit high.

- How much theater do you see?
- I saw "Oklahoma."

- Frivolous nonsense for the moronic classes.
- Oh really?

Are you kidding?

"Oh what a beautiful morning,
oh what a beautiful day.

I've got a beautiful feeling,
everything's going my way."

- Oh dear.
- Oh, come on.

You're comparing this thing
we saw tonight

to a Rogers
and Hammerstein musical?

- With all due respect.
- This is about life and death and war.

- This is about the human spirit.
- Yeah.

"Poor Jud is dead.
Poor Jud is dead."

- Please.
- Bubblegum.

How long you got
to do this play for?

The run's been extended,
so another six weeks.

Must be hard to do
all that fake crying.

- No, they're real tears.
- Those are real tears?

- Of course, real tears every night.
- Seriously?

( Chuckles ) Come on.

Where do you
think they come from?

Here's where they came from.
( Mock sobbing )

You're not crying.
There's no tears coming out.

Come on, what'd you do?
Did you sneak in some of that glycerin?

No, I'm saying if it means
something to you, you can cry.

You know what?
I'm looking at your eyes

and I see no evidence at all
that anybody was crying.

Usually when someone
finishes crying

they wipe the evidence
away there was ever a tear.

And did you wipe it away?

Yes I did.
And the evidence for that

is in the bin on a tissue.

- Oh, is that so?
- Check it out, Columbo.

- All right, we can get going.
- We can get going?

- Oh, you know what?
- Go on.

At the will-call window
I picked up the ticket

and they charged me $200.

You thought it'd be more?

I thought-- You told me
you were getting me a ticket.

- It's a sold-out show.
- I did get you a ticket.

I was under the impression that
you were picking up the ticket,

given the fact that I bought
you a bottle of wine for $300.

That was a gift--
The gift of wine.

Thank you.
And I've given you the gift of art.

Whether you give me a gift
or I give you a gift,

it costs me money.

- Okay, well...
- Thanks for coming.

- Thank you for a meaningful evening.
- Cheers. Thank you.

Jeff, Susie.

- Oh, you were unbelievable.
- Hey.

- Jeff: Just wonderful.
- Thank you.

Yes, really really good under
very difficult circumstances.

What I especially
enjoyed about it--

Do you know what, Larry?

I don't give a shit what you
enjoyed about my performance.

But I really do give a shit what
you talked to my husband about.

The other night at the table you
decided to talk about my marriage.

Oh well, I was just really trying to
elevate small talk to medium talk.

- That's all I was doing.
- Well, don't.

My marriage is my business.

My marriage is fine.
It has nothing to do with you.

And another thing, I fuck my
husband four or five times a week.

Four or five times
a fucking week.

So shove that up your ass.

Jeff: Thank you very
much for coming back.

I'm this close to signing him.
This close.

I think one more interaction
I'm good to go.

- Really?
- I was lucky

that he didn't have a clue
that it was us

- making the commotion at the theater last night.
- Oh my God.

- Could you imagine?
- Have you gentlemen decided?


How'd you get this section?
I thought you were down there.

Well, I'll be covering
this section today,

unless of course
you want to handle it.

You know, I'm sorry I got up
and got the food the other day.

It's all right.
Water under the bridge.

That would make me happy.

- Of course.
- There you go.

What can I do for you today?

I'm going with
the bison burger.

I'll get the chopped salad
with the avocado.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Thank you.

- Where did he come from?
- Scared the shit out of me.

- Just materializes.
- At very private moments.

- Yes.
- There's Hank.

- Hey, Hank.
- Hey Hank, come here for a second.

Come here.
Come here.

- Hey.
- I can't-- I really can't be talking to you.

- What? What are you talking about?
- ( Sighs )

Listen, you owe Ricky Gervais
$500 for the scarf, right?

- Yeah.
- Okay well, he owes me $500.

So my suggestion is why don't
you just give me the $500

and everybody will be even.

Hey, there he is.

Oh jeez.

I owe you $500,
Larry says you owe him $500.

So he wants me to give
the $500 to him directly.

Is that cool?

( Laughs )

- No good?
- Not really.

Never mind that.
Just give me the $500.

- Nothing to do with him.
- I'm just gonna give him the money.

He bought a bottle
of wine for $300.

No, you bought me a bottle of wine
and I got you into the theater.

And I paid $200
for his ticket--

That I really didn't want to
go the play in the first place.

Thank you.
Don't worry about it.

- I know what's going on.
- What?

I know it was you two idiots whispering
all the way through my show.

- I wasn't anywhere near him.
- What are you talking about?

- Where do you get that from?
- The waiter.

The waiter?

And you, I wouldn't let
you represent me now.

Forget it.

Look at you there, two idiots.

It's like Laurel and Hardy.
Donna was right.

What did you say?

- Nothing.
- You've been talking to Donna?

- No.
- No, you just said Donna was right.

- Yeah, she is.
- So you've been talking to Donna.


- Have you been seeing Donna
- No.

Are you sure?


I'm really up
for that bison burger.

- Good choice.
- Hey, there's our food.

Ricky: The evening was all
charming the last time.

Oh yeah.
( Laughs )

- You were too much.
- I'm charming, but--

- Donna: It's the English thing.
- Yeah yeah.

- It's the accent.
- Exactly, yeah.

No no no.

( Laughing )

( Chatting )

This is my favorite
carriage here.

( Bell dings )

Give me your money.

- Mugger: Don't move!
- Ricky: Okay okay.

- Give me that ring! Give me that ring!
- Ricky: Give him the ring.

Now! Come on!
Give me that!

Take 'em--
Take 'em off!

Just give him your shoes.

( Shouting ) Take them off!

- Shut up!
- Okay, don't hit me in the face though.

( Shouting )

Come on, face the ground.

Give it to me.
Take it off.

Give me that purse.
Give it to me.

( Groaning )

Drop it!
Drop it!

- Drop it!
- ( Mugger grunts )


That's it.
Yeah, get the hell out of here.

Yeah, I was just about--

Yeah, well.

I believe this belongs
to you, young lady.

- My God, Larry.
- There you go.

- Thank you.
- What do you know?


- There you go.
- Thanks.

See you around.

Oh, and you're right
about the bread, Simmington.

It is hard.

( Doors ding )



No no!
Hey! Hey!



( Theme music playing )