Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 8, Episode 2 - The Safe House - full transcript

Larry becomes an unlikely role model for battered women; Richard Lewis's relationship with a burlesque performer is put to the test; Leon survives a case of mistaken identity.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
( Theme music playing )

- ( Woman crying )
- Woman #2: It's okay. Let it go.

Let it go. This is pushing
buttons, and that's all right.

- No, you're safe, you're safe.
- Uh...

It's all right.
Let it go.

- Oh my. Oh.
- Uh...

- Oh.
- I just want to get some chubby hubby.

Sir, could you please
give us a moment?

Yeah, aw.

Aw aw.

Yes, aw.

A little to the left...
Or the right.

- Separate separate.
- Excuse, me.

I'm trying to get
to the chubby hubby.

- Yes, you said that.
- Yeah.

Yes, okay, that's a good girl.

Oh oh my.

Poor baby.

Sir! Excuse me.
Now I've tried to be nice.

I have asked you
to give us some space.

- What's this about?
- None of your business.

It's a personal thing?

- Would you please?
- Okay, all right.

Thank you.

Don't pay attention
to that jerk.

Oh, it's okay.

Oh, are you all right,

It's gonna be--

Marty: You're not going
to believe this.

Richard is dating
a burlesque dancer.

- I had dinner with them.
- Really?

I don't like to sound
like a pig,

but she has
magnificent breasts.

- What's she like?
- She's dumb.

( Snickers )

All she wanted to talk about
was how she dances,

how the crowd
loves her and--

- Oh, here he is.
- I'm sorry.

- Huh?
- Let me alone. Don't yell at me.

They moved the audition.
It's in 10 minutes.

I was on the phone with an
ex-girlfriend who was suicidal,

so I couldn't exactly hang up to
say I want to go to a salad bar.

Wait, she's going to commit
suicide and she calls you?

A lot of people call me
who are suicidal.

I don't think you'd be
my suicide call.

- You're kidding me.
- No, I don't think you'd be.

What would bring you
to the brink of suicide?

Can I ask him why he
wouldn't call me first?

- What would bring you--
- Him.

- He would?
- He would.

So you'd be calling the guy
who caused you to-- Okay.

By the way, are you dating
a burlesque dancer?

- What makes you say that?
- We heard.

I didn't say anything bad.
I said she was beautiful.

- Why do you have to blab about my personal life?
- What do you mean?

You didn't swear him to secrecy.
What's the big deal?

Hey, if it wasn't
for fucking burlesque,

we wouldn't have Chaplin
or the Marx brothers.

Oh, Chaplin was
a great pole dancer.

Admit it, the only reason
you're going out with her

is because of her ample bosom.

That's despicable to say that to me.
Of course not.

- For her brains and her sense of worth.
- Have you set a date aside

when you're going to
finally look at her face?

( Laughing )

That's really funny.

Yeah, laugh it up.

Listen, I have an audition
now, so if you don't mind.

- I'll see you later.
- That's very funny.

That's it?
You come for two minutes?

- I told you why I'm late. I have an audition.
- All right.

Quite frankly
I'm a little offended

by you just focusing on a
woman's breasts and nipples

when maybe I'm in love
with her, all right?

- So how does that--
- You're always in love.

No, I'm not always in love.

She also gives to charity
and she has a great personality.

- She gives to charity?
- That's right.

- Jeff: Milk?
- Huh?

- Jeff: She gives milk?
- That's funny too?

You guys are on a fuckin' roll.

- I'm out.
- Dance for underprivileged kids.

- Charity!
- Marty: Gives to charity?

- All right, I gotta go.
- Look at the stuff that comes out of his mouth.

- I got an idea.
- Jeff: Hmm?

Why don't the three of us, one
night this week, go see her dance?

- Hell yes.
- We're not doing anything wrong.

No, let's go.
He never said we couldn't.

We can't say anything to him.

Who's gonna--
He doesn't need to know.

We sit in the back.
I say we go.

- What are you doing?
- I don't need to do that.

- I did a hands in.
- Please, we don't need a hands in.

I'm gonna get going.
You got lunch?

- I got it. I got it.
- Okay, thank you.

Yeah, let's go see her.
What the hell?

Oh, you'll love it, believe me.

Excuse me, I've just gotta
run out for one second.

Could you just keep an eye
on my computer for me?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

Excuse me.

Would you mind keeping
an eye on that computer?

- The guy asked me, but I have to go.
- Um, yeah sure, okay.

Good, thanks.


Ha ha!

Okay, this is the dog.

This is the dog that's
been going on my lawn.

- No bag? Where's your bag?
- Well...

You know, life-- It gets
so crazy sometimes.

- Oh, life gets crazy?
- Yeah.

If you're gonna have a dog,
you have to have a bag.

I will bring a bag.
I didn't bring a bag today.

- I'm really sorry about that.
- Because the dog without the bag-- It's incomplete.

It's a marriage.
The bag and the dog, they go together.

I just don't see
why you had to yell at me.

I'm yelling for society,
for everybody.

- It's not just me.
- Got it.

- People make mistakes.
- Every day?

Roscoe, come.

( Jazz music playing )

Don't you love this place?

- Leon: This shit is fucking amazing.
- Marty: It's great.

- Yeah.
- Do you love it?

- What are you doing?
- I'm looking for Lewis.

Let loose. He's not here.
Have a good time.

Marty: We ought to
do this more often.

Come to disgusting strip clubs?

- Why is it disgusting?
- Disgusting? Fuckin'-- That's a harsh word.

- Watch this shit.
- ( Crowd cheering )

- That's her. That's her.
- That's her?

It's like jell-o pudding
inside of those motherfuckers.

She is communicating right now.
You understand?

In Hawaii they move
hands and hips.

Out here it's titties.

The fuckin' titties
are talking right now.

And what exactly
are they saying?

Those titties are a blabbermouth,
you know what I'm talking about?

They're fuckin' just
yippity-yapping right now.

( Crowd cheering )

( Slurping )

- Did you have fun?
- No, not really.

- Boy, I had a blast.
- You know what I think?

- What?
- I think Lewis has lost his mind.

- Why?
- I just saw his girlfriend's tits, that's why.

So what? He's not gonna marry her.
He's just having fun.

How can you not tell me
you were going to see Stella?

- She's my girlfriend, for Christ's sakes.
- Yeah, you're right.

We probably should
have told you.

But you didn't say
we shouldn't go.

And by the way, if you're dating somebody
who takes their clothes off in public,

then what's the difference?
Everybody's gonna see her.

You went there like a pervert.

Hey, I didn't
even see that much.

What percentage of the show
did you look at her breasts?

- I saw like--
- Hello, tiger.

Hi, honey.
Good to see you.

Hi, sweetie.
Sorry I'm late.

This is Larry,
one of my oldest friends.

- Hi, nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you.
- Hi.

I thought you said he was old.

- You don't seem that old.
- Well--

- Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.
- Mrs. Cole,

I didn't know Marilyn Monroe
was on the base, sir.

He made out like you were
a granddad, you know?

You called me old?

You're two days
older than I am.

You're a dissipated alcoholic.
How dare you?

- Recovering alcoholic.
- All right, recovering.

Okay, listen, sorry. I didn't mean
to start an argument or anything.

That's okay. By the way, I actually
did see your show last night.

- You came to see my show?
- Yes, I enjoyed the presentation.

What do you know
about burlesque?

I saw the movie "Gypsy"
with Natalie Wood.

Oh, then you should be a Professor
at Ohio state and teach this.

It sounds like you
appreciate the art form.

Well, I appreciate naked women.

Did you like the air
fucking number I did?

- The air fucking was sensational.
- You liked that?

- Yeah, yeah?
- Yes.

But let me just say this, okay?

Your breasts are magnificent.

- Oh, thank you. Thank you.
- What did you just say?

You're not dissecting a frog
in 12th-grade biology.

- It's okay. I take it as a compliment.
- She's not a specimen.

By the way, I did
notice in the show

that there's a small mole

on the underside
of your right breast

that you might want
to get checked out.

- Are you being serious? There's a mole?
- Yeah yeah yeah.

- Okay.
- How did you see a small mole from where you were sitting?

I have breast vision
and that's how I'm able to--

- You have breast vision?
- Yes.

Why don't you go
to every burlesque show

and just stare
at all the breasts?

I could be a burlesque

- We'll get it checked out.
- Thank you very much.

- For sure.
- You're welcome.

Well well well,
look who's here.

- You don't remember me?
- No.

I'm the idiot who asked you

to look after my computer
yesterday, remember?

- Yeah. So where is it?
- You didn't get that back?

No, I didn't get it back.
Why am I asking you?

I didn't get it back and
it's gone and so were you.

You were taking
such a long time.

I had to get going
and I gave it to someone.

- Who did you give it to?
- I don't know.

- I gave it to some black guy.
- You gave it to some black guy?

- Yeah.
- You gave it to a black guy?!

Because that's--
I mean--

What I was about to say was

why wouldn't you give it
to a black person?

In fact, that day
when we were in there,

I had been looking
for a black person

to leave my computer with.

I didn't see one,
so I left it with you.

Left it with me.
Good good.

I'm sure it's gonna turn up.

- I'll keep my eyes peeled for him.
- I'm gonna go in.

- He's probably dropped it off in there.
- Probably dropped it off.

- Take care.
- Okay.

Larry! ( Laughs )

What up, man?

Oh, uh... nothing.

- Who's that dude, man?
- Well, I mean it's not a big deal.

He gave me his computer
to watch...

- Uh-huh.
- ...And I had to leave.

And I gave it to this guy

and he never gave
the computer back.

Who the fuck
did you give it to?

It was a guy.
Not important.

Who the fuck
did you give it to?

A black guy.

- Wow.
- I'm sorry.

- God damn.
- I didn't want to tell you.

- A fuckin' black dude in there--
- You forced it out of me.

I feel fuckin' bad now.
Know what I mean?

You trusted that
black motherfucker.

- You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah.

I don't want you thinking
that shit about me,

you understand?

I could've stole
this motherfucker...

Plenty of times, but I didn't.

I know the code
to the fuckin' house and shit.

3948, right?
The last four

of your social security card
number is 4938.

All you did
was change it around.

All that shit I fuckin' know.

Remember that time
you gave me the ATM card

to get gas for the car
and shit?

And your signature--
Come on.

It's a big L.
It's real clear, right?

Then the "arry David"
is sloppy.

Any man can do that shit. Your mom's maiden
name-- Ratner. You know what I mean?

- All they wanna know is that part.
- Where are the car keys?

- Inside the car.
- I'll drive.

Who the fuck told you
my mother's maiden name?!

- I must've overheard it.
- You're going through my shit!

There's shit laying
around the house!

Where the fuck did you find
out my mother's maiden...

( Doorbell rings )

- Oh, hi.
- Hello.

I'm your neighbor Margaret.

Actually, I'm realizing now

- that we've run into each other before.
- The supermarket.

Oh yeah, that was kind of
an awkward thing there.

I was just trying
to get some ice cream.

- I understand that. I understand that.
- Chubby hubby.

You wouldn't move over.
It was odd.

Well, there was a little
more to it than that.

I know the woman was crying.
I saw that.

- Right, yeah.
- But still,

she could have cried
a foot or two over.

You see, the reason
she was crying

is she's a new member
of our safe house

that I'm the housemother for.

- Safe house?
- Yes.

Some people call them
battered women.

- I choose not to use that phrase.
- Oh, they're battered.

I think it's very pejorative.

- So anyway--
- Oh, where's the house?

- It's just a couple of doors down.
- Seriously?

And speaking of those women,
a couple of days ago

I think there was
a little incident

with one of our members
and her dog.

She's also part of the
sorority over there?

Well, we don't
call it a sorority.

- But yes, she is one of our members.
- Oh my God.

And Saundra was so upset
when she came home.

- She was upset?
- Yes.

Her dog pooped all over
my lawn three times.

She doesn't clean it up.
She doesn't bring bag.

What we would love
as neighbors and friends--

To invite you in
to start a discussion.

And you can talk to Karen
and you can talk to Saundra

and you can bring up
your issues

and perhaps apologize...

- Apologize?
- .For any discomfort you caused them.

I don't know
why I would apologize.

- I didn't really do anything.
- Well--

- All I want to do is buy some ice cream.
- I know.

- All I want to do is have a clean lawn...
- I understand.

- ...Without poop on it.
- Exactly.

I didn't really do anything.

And you know what
would be wonderful, Larry?

Is that so many of the women
have a negative connotation

- as far as a male perspective goes.
- Of course, yes.

So it would be so great

to have a safe man
in their midst

that could give them
a male perspective

that they could feel good
about hearing.

So I would be representing men.

In a safe place, yes.

- What do you say?
- I'm happy to be the male representative.

Oh my goodness,
that's wonderful.

Maybe I could drum up
a date over there, huh?

Oh, now Larry,
let's remember boundaries.

Hi. A little bit of a
surprise for all of you.

- I'd like to introduce our neighbor and friend Larry.
- Hello.

What a great pleasure
to meet you all.

By the way, very nice house,
if you don't mind my saying.

- Beautiful.
- Margaret: Isn't it nice?

I don't know where
you were living before,

but I would think this
probably would be a step up.

You hit the jackpot
with this place, huh?

You know what, Larry?
Thank you for admiring our home.

You're really hitting the cake here, huh?
And donuts?

You're welcome
to help yourself.

I hope you guys are
working out eating this--

My father would call this crap.

- ( Laughs )
- That's a lot of crap.

Larry, I think you might
remember our friend Saundra.

- A pleasure.
- Hi.

Did you have anything you
wanted to say to Saundra?

I do have something
I'd like to say.

First off, I want to apologize

if I hurt your feelings
in any way

as a result I want
of the dog pooping.

I was just going to say

th your anger is your problem

and it's not
my problem anymore.

- Huh, interesting.
- Okay, but it really was great

that Larry acknowledged
your feelings and apologized.

- I guess, yeah.
- Hmm, she doesn't seem to be too overwhelmed by it.

But you know what?

I feel very good about
that interaction and--

It's just that dogs don't really
have control of when they go.

Yeah, but the owner has control
of where the dog goes.

- Right. You know what?
- Do you want to apologize to my dog?

Because you really
yelled at my dog.

Yeah, it's very hard
to apologize to a dog

because they're
a stupid animal.

You know,
okay, ain--

We're going to move
on down the couch.

And I think you may
also remember Karen.

Larry: Karen!

I would just like
to apologize to you as well

if I made you uncomfortable
in any way at the market...

You did.
It's okay.

- Wow.
- ...When you were bawling in front of the refrigerator.

I have no problem with crying
in a grocery store.

- I was very upset.
- I know, I see.

I would suggest, however,
that the next time

you feel overwhelmed
by something

to go to a different section,

a section that's not used
as much as the ice cream

which gets a lot of action.

I would go maybe to the--
Where the Japanese food is.

The hoisin sauce
I don't think is a big--

It's not like buying ice cream.

- It's a different--
- Margaret: Again, I am going to say

we're going to concentrate

on the positive part
of what you had to say.

- So--
- Who's that one?

- That is Dale. She's one of our members.
- Dale?

- Yes.
- Wow.

Why don't you finish what
you were saying to Karen?

What a bovine she is, huh?

- Jesus.
- Well, okay, so--

She's like the capo here, huh?

No. No,
she's not, Larry.

Does she run the show?
Tell me the truth.

No, she doesn't.
Nobody runs the show.

Is this the inspirational
speaker that we're getting?

No, that's next week.

This is our friend
and neighbor Larry.

Oh my God.
What happened to you?

We are again going to stay
in the present moment,

- being grateful and being...
- Inspirational speaker?

- ...Happy.
- What in the fuck is she talking about?

We have somebody
coming in next week.

And I think
she just got confused.

- But instead--
- Yeah, I could see that.

- Margaret: Um, now--
- The washing machine's fucked.

Thank you, Dale.

That darn washing machine.
I'll tell you, we--

We use it so much, as you can
imagine, with all of our members.

I'll tell you what
I'll do for you.

If you need a machine,
you're welcome to come

and use my machine
anytime you want.

- Oh my goodness.
- How about that?

- Wow. Oh, is that generous.
- Huh huh?

- That is incredible.
- Isn't that a beautiful gesture?

- That is great.
- Give me a little round of applause if you want to.

It won't kill you.
Go ahead.

Margaret: That would be fine.
Sure. Why not?

- You deserve that.
- That's kind of tepid.

- Anyway, thank you. That was very kind of you.
- You're welcome.

How about the marm here, huh?
How about this marm?

Okay, well--
That's all right, Larry.

- How about this marm?
- Okay, thank you.

- Margaret: I think that I'm just gonna say goodbye.
- Okay.

If you touch it it's yours.

( Laughing )
Again, thank you, Larry.

Thank you so much.

Ladies, I'm just going to
walk our guest to the door.

- Mm, krispy kreme?
- Oh yeah yeah.

And thank you
so much. Okay.

- This fuckin' thing is unbelievable!
- All right, okay.

Larry, thank you again
for coming by.

Couldn't be happier.

Did you put one of these
disgusting things

back in here after eating it?

I might have.
I have bad manners.

There's a whole side dish
here for the remnants.

- This is the remnant plate.
- Hello, boys.

- Hi, beautiful.
- Hi.

- Oh!
- Oh hi.

- Hello.
- I am so happy.

I just came from the doctor

and the mole
is absolutely fine.

- Fantastic! You see that?
- Stella: I know, I know.

- I knew.
- That's good.

- Believe me, I knew all along.
- I was so worried for a while.

I'm very happy for you.

Although if you told me
that it wasn't fine,

I still would have been happy
because I would have said,

"see? Good thing I told you
to go to the doctor."

And something happened
when I saw the doctor.

I started talking
about how much pain

I'm always in with my boobs...

- What do you mean pain?
- ...And that I get these backaches.

And I've decided
that I--

I'm going to get
my breasts reduced.

- You're going to what?
- I'm going to get them reduced.

- That's--
- ( Laughing ) What?

- She's hilarious.
- That's funny.

- That's funny.
- Stella: No.

- That's a good joke.
- I'm serious. Yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I get backaches all the time.

It's really really painful.

You take an advil
for that stuff.

You throw a couple of stones
behind your brassiere.

- You just even it out.
- What's the big deal?

- Oh my God.
- Like a seesaw.

Okay, boys, you obviously
don't understand.

Imagine you had huge balls.

- Yeah?
- Balls?

Enormous, sweaty,
just filled with spunk--

You're comparing
breasts with balls?

People hate balls.
Balls are reviled.

You can't even mention balls and
breasts in the same breath.

- Of course you can. Balls are male boobs.
- What?

Balls are disgusting
they're hideous.

Everybody wants to see those.
Who wants to see balls?

- Right.
- People want to see those.

- Sorry.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Wow, I am talking to two
schoolboys right now.

- How much are you planning on taking off?
- Maybe half.

- Half? Did you say half?
- I'll be able to go jogging.

- Half?
- Half, yeah.

You don't just love me
for my tits, do you?

( Stuttering ) Larry, please, do
I have to defend myself in this?

Hold it, hold it. There's many
things you can say about this guy.

- But not that.
- Not that.

- Thank you.
- Right right right.

How could you even suggest
that I would think that?

Look, you hurt the man.
You hurt the man.

Look at him.
It's insulting.

- As his friend I'm insulted.
- Okay, sorry.

- I just, you know--
- Listen, we'll discuss this.

I'm there for you, regardless of what
you have to do, because I love you.

- Everything will be fine.
- I'm so happy you're so supportive!

Thank you, sweetie.
I'm just going to the loo, okay?

- Back in a sec.
- You're the woman of my dreams,

for Christ's sake.

- You fucking idiot.
- What?

You did this.
You're responsible for this.

You looked at her mole
with a goddamn telescope

like Galileo jerking off
from 40' away.

I had breast vision,
I told you.

Because of you I'm going
to lose this beautiful woman

with that figure,
with those boobs.

- I thought you didn't care about her breasts.
- All right, I lied.

What am I supposed to do now?
Go from a double D to a--

- What's half of double d?
- B+? No, B-.

B-. It's closer
to the D, yes.

What's closer to the D,
the minus or the plus?

I don't give a shit,
quite frankly.

This is not algebra.
This is my life.

- Life is short. How dare she?
- How dare she?

Yeah, what gives her the right?
It's self-centered.

- It really is.
- It is selfish.

- Isn't it?
- Totally.

Larry: She's getting
half of it taken off.

Reduce them by half.

There shouldn't be a motherfucker
cutting titties down.

You don't fuckin' wanna
reduce your titties by half

and expect a motherfucker
to be happy with that shit.

- You know what I'm saying?
- I do.

- I do know what you're saying.
- You know what I'm saying?

Why do you keep asking me that?
I know what you're saying.

Sometimes you don't know
what the fuck I'm saying.

I know what the fuck
you're saying.

I explain it to you
and you don't fucking get it.

I get it.
You want to give me a test on it?

You like fucking full titties
or half titties?

You got two
half titties, right?

- Know no better.
- All right, you know what?

We could talk till
we're blue in the face.

I don't mean that
as a racial thing either.

Would I ever turn fucking blue?

- It's an expression.
- Who turns fuckin' blue?

You say that to white people too.
You can't turn blue?

- Hell no I can't turn blue.
- Blacks blush. You blush?

- Blacks don't fuckin' blush.
- You never saw a black blush.

Never seen a black blush
in my fuckin' life.

Blacks don't fuckin' blush.

- Hey, Laura.
- Hey, Larry.

- Thank you so much. We really appreciate it.
- You're very welcome.

- Did you use the downey?
- Yes, I did.

- Hi, Dale.
- Hey.

- Wow.
- Huh?

- Whew.
- Did you get a load of that one?

- Yo, she's something else, man.
- Isn't she?

- Who could fuck her up?
- I know.

Me and you couldn't
take that bitch.

She must have made up a story
or something to get in there.

I bet she heard about it
from a friend in there.

And my guess is
she's living in some dump

and decided to move over.

Gotta find out what the
fuck the story is.

I'm going to find out
right now.


- ( Knocks )
- Yoohoo!

- How's the laundry coming along?
- It's coming along.

- Huh? Coming along?
- Yeah.

- You ever ice skate?
- No.

Maybe I'll take you
ice skating sometime.

- That'd be fun.
- I guess.

So, Dale, if you don't
mind my saying,

with all due respect,
I was just wondering

how you kind of...

You know, wound up over there.

Because it looks like
you could...

Take care of yourself.

- It's none of your business.
- Ah, okay.

Because the thing
about it is that

I just don't see anybody
taking you down.


( Thuds )

That is some shiner
you got there.

Can you tell me
how it happened?

I was home and I was
talking to somebody.

And... I said something
I shouldn't have said.

So this person struck you?

No. I fell.

Yeah, I fell.
I'm clumsy.

I'm really clumsy.
I trip all the time.

But, you know,
I kind of--

I deserved it actually.

- I was wrong.
- Leon: Larry.

- Excuse me, we're--
- I need some money.

You need money?
I gave you $40 yesterday.

- What for?
- I'm fuckin' hungry waiting around

all this fuckin' time and shit.

Can't you see I'm in pain here?

I know. I'm sorry.

But I'm fuckin' hungry
right now.

- What are you going to get?
- Fuckin' fruit chews.

Fruit chews? You know how bad
those are for your teeth?

You want to spend the winter
in the dentist's office?

- Put this shit on my fuckin' tab.
- On your tab?

- Yeah.
- Like you're going to pay me back.

You know I got you.
Give me a few dollars.

All right.
I'll give you some.

- I love you, Larry.
- Yeah, I love you too.

- I'm sorry, you know him?
- Yeah, he lives with me.

- You live together?
- Yeah, we live together.


( Pounding )

You know, I didn't even
ask him to move in.

He just moved in,
doesn't pay any rent

and he eats all my food.

He knows all about me.
He knows my mother's maiden name.

I've got to get this guy
out of my house.

- It's driving me crazy.
- Mr. David, is there anything

that you'd like to tell me
about this accident?

This is completely
in confidence.

( Banging )

- No, mm-mm.
- Are you sure?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- Hello?
- Larry. Lewis.

- Hey!
- Hey, how are you doing?

What's happening?

Stella is going through with the
breast reduction on Friday.

- Oh, I am so sorry.
- So on Thursday

I'm going to throw myself and
those breasts a farewell party

like they've never seen
in their lives.

- A breast blowout.
- A breast blowout. Exactly right.

Because I'm going to go
to the Biltmore downtown.

I'm going to have
all their favorite

frozen margaritas
and put flowers there.

It's like the last time
you're going to see them,

- like going off to war.
- Absolutely.

I never went to 'nam and I feel like
this is sort of like-- In a way

- sort of the same thing for me.
- All right, good luck.

- I'll speak to you soon.
- Okay.

Oh my God, so I asked you to watch
this computer for two minutes.

I told you to give it to the guy
when he comes back in, and what?

You-- You--

( snaps fingers )

You're not the guy.

All right, I made a mistake.

I thought you were
somebody else.

- Sorry.
- Who did you think I was?

I thought you were this guy
who I told to watch

this computer and...
He stole it.

Oh. So was this guy
black or white?

Pfft, happened to be black.

So you think that all
black people look alike?

I think all computers
look alike.

( Clicks tongue )

Have a nice day.

...One statement.

It's hard to make decisions
in the moment.

So buy a bunch of one thing

and then we have a lot of
one things to choose--

- Excuse me, I gotta get in here.
- Sir, don't ever touch me.

Sorry, we're from
a battered women's shelter.

Well, it looks like you could
take care of yourself, honestly.

- ( Crunches )
- Ahh!

- Oh my God.
- Hey. I know.

It's me, Bob,
from the restaurant,

- your neighbor.
- Oh my God, are you serious?

Yes. I'm so sorry.
I had to take off.

I know you asked me
to watch the computer,

but nobody else
looked trustworthy.

I couldn't leave it there,
so I took it with me

and I figured
I'd track you down.

And now we can find
the rightful owner.

Nobody else looked trustworthy.
And I thought you took it!

- Well, I did, but I'm bringing it back.
- Yeah, right.

You know what? I gotta return
some laundry to some neighbors.

- Okay.
- You got two minutes?

- Can you wait in the house for me?
- Yeah yeah, sure.

- Make yourself at home and I'll be right back.
- Okay.

( Knocking at door )

Hi, sir. We're responding
to a domestic battery call.

I don't live here.

The owner of the house,
he just left.

Sir, you match the description
of somebody who's been reported

- for domestic battery at this address.
- No no no no no.

See, the owner, he just walked out.
He'll be right back.

Apparently you've been
living here with Mr. David

and he's been trying
to get rid of you.

It's all
in the doctor's statement.

No no no no no.
Look, we can just talk to Mr. David.

- He'll explain everything.
- You won't be speaking to Mr. David.

- He's being moved to a safe house.
- What?!

- No no! I was just returning a computer.
- You're going to jail now.

A computer. I don't live here.
You're making a mistake.

Wait for the guy to come back.
He'll tell-- God damn it!

( Touch tones beeping )

- ( Ringing )
- Hello.

Hey, Richie boy!

How's it going?
Having fun?

( Theme music playing )