Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 8, Episode 1 - The Divorce - full transcript

Larry learns his lawyer isn't kosher, and rescinds a cookie order from the Girl Scout daughter of a beleaguered sports owner.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
- None of your business, Elaine!
- ( Audience laughs )

- All: No!
- ( Theme music playing )

- Oh, sorry about that.
- A ring stain?

I have a bad habit of just putting
my drink down on the table.

Bad habit?
Put your drink down on the wood?

- Look at that stain you made.
- Well, we'll just sand it off or something.

Do you respect wood?


- Guess so.
- Oh my God.

You had a cup like that
at Julia's party.

You left the ring stain
on Julia's table.

She blamed me the whole
time, but it was you.

- Well, it's no big deal.
- You're right.

It is no big deal.

Having said that,

I would love for you to call Julia and
tell her you left the ring stain.

- I'm not calling Julia.
- Yeah, just tell her that--

That you were the one who left
the stain on the antique table.

- Hold on one second.
- I'm not gonna do that.

- Yeah, come on.
- I'm not doing that.

- No, I want you to talk to her.
- I don't want to talk to Julia.

- Cheryl, hold on one second.
- Oh my God, I am not talking to Julia.

- I'm not doing this.
- Hey, Jules!

- Show was fantastic.
- What was I thinking? Why would I come here?

I'm not talking to Julia.
I said no

and you don't listen to me.

Oh wait, hold--
Hold on, okay.

Cheryl, wait one second! No no, I think
she left the ring stain. Hold on.

- Hey, what the hell are you doing?
- Leaving, Larry.

- Huh? Why?
- Why?!



( Theme music playing )

Man: Larry, I know divorce is painful,
but this is a fantastic deal.

It's not only the best deal
I'm gonna get for you,

it's the best deal that
anybody's gonna get for anybody.

Yore gonna keep your house, you're
keeping all your property.

You know?
I know that's important to you.

- I gotta be a good guy.
- Yeah, you will look like a good guy here.

- But I don't really want to be a good guy here.
- I know.

- You know that, right?
- Yes.

- Okay, yeah.
- This is what I do.

You're coming out ahead in this
deal and she's coming out behind.

Imagine like a Dutch
apple pie, right?

The filling, the real meat of the
pie, is everything you're getting.

And the top of the pie
that looks so nice

is what she's getting.
She's just getting the appearance.

Yeah, but I really like
that crumbly stuff on the top.

No, everybody does.
Yeah, it's delicious.

I like that more than the pie.
I would rather get that

- than the pie.
- Yeah, I know, but it's--

But that's just--
That's a part of it,

but the real-- It wouldn't be
a pie without the filling.

- Yeah, but it's my favorite part.
- So let's switch it.

She's getting the filling and you're
getting the razzle-dazzle that is

- the brown crumbly stuff.
- The delicious brown crumbly stuff.

- Yeah, yeah yeah.
- The cinnamon.

It's a good deal.
It's ready to be signed.

Everything's going
to be fine, Larry.

You came to the right place.

You know what, Berg?
I like the cut of your jib.

Uh, thank you very much, captain.
I appreciate that.

Cheryl and her lawyer are going to
be here in a matter of minutes.

You don't have to, but it might not be a bad
idea for you to stick around for that meeting.

- No, I'm gonna go.
- Okay, fair enough. Okay.

- You're welcome to stay.
- I like this desk.

- You have a lot of room under here.
- Yeah, it's nice.

It'd be a good desk
to get blowjobs under.

That's not why I bought it, but
let's call it a happy accident.

- Okay, Berg.
- Larry, don't worry so much.

- It's a good deal.
- Okay, I'm not going to worry.

I'm gonna leave it in your hands.
I trust you.

- You should.
- I have a lot of confidence in you.

- All right, see you, Larry.
- See you around.

Cheryl: Larry.

- Oh hey.
- Hi.

- Hey. Good to see you.
- Hello.

- Good to see you.
- This is David Rabinowitz,

my attorney.
This is Larry David.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

You hired a bald man, huh?

Uh, that was a coincidence.

I didn't really go
after a bald man.

You know, you should've recused yourself.
We can't go up against each other.

- It's a code. It's in the bald code.
- Is it?

- Yes, it is.
- Oh, I do need to come by and pick up some stuff.

- Oh, you want to get the bedding and everything?
- Yes.

I'm giving her the bedding. See?

- You don't like the bedding.
- I like the bedding.

And the pillows.
I'm giving you all those pillows.

- Yeah, you like-- You want that, right?
- Yeah, but

you don't like
those pillows either.

I know, but I could charge you
for them if I wasn't being fair.

- You could charge me for the pillows?
- Yes, isn't that right?

- I'm not sure.
- Technically.

Correct, okay?

- Okay.
- Your bald lawyer says technically yes.

And I can call you bald.
It's like black people calling each other nigga.

- "Hey, baldy," you know?
- Okay, let's-- It's better if you don't.

- Okay.
- I think you're crossing boundaries

- that shouldn't be crossed.
- Okay.

- What are you doing?
- I'm practicing a tic I'm working on.

You know, for dating. I'm just wondering
if she'll point it out, that's all.

And that's what you do
on your dates?

- Yeah, I'll just keep going like this.
- You make up a tic

- to see how long your-- Okay, um...
- Yeah.

What would you think if you were sitting
across from somebody going like this?

If he was doing it on purpose, I
would think he was an asshole.

Only because I told you
because you know who I am.

But if you didn't know me
and we had just met,

and then all of a sudden you're sitting
across from me and I'm going--

Okay, that doesn't work.
I don't think you should do that.

( Chuckles ) Wh-- Why not? Huh?

- Let's go.
- It's just a social experiment.

- Cheryl: I'll text you.
- All right, nice to meet you.

Nice meeting you.

Larry: I got the sharpest
Jewish divorce lawyer in town.

- He's terrific.
- Jeff: You like Berg?

- I like him a lot, yeah.
- Oh, you know what? You and I ever split up,

let me tell you something,
we get a divorce,

You take whatever 50% you want.

I'll take what's left.
No arguing,

- no negativity.
- What, are you fucking kidding me?

You think we're gonna have a nice
divorce if we ever get divorced?

No fucking way. I'm taking you
for everything you have, mister.

I'm taking your balls and I'm
thumbtacking them to the wall.

You're gonna get nothing out of it.
You mention the "d" word once

in your fucking life, you'll
rue the day you ever met me.

Okay. I've got some great news.

Guess where the Funkman
is going for three weeks.

- Miami?
- London!

- London!
- Oh ah!

- How about that?
- On business, how great is that?

- Wow, that's fun.
- Are you going?

- No.
- Oh, really?

- She doesn't like to travel.
- I don't go on business trips with him.

- Have you ever been there?
- No.

Oh my God, you should go.
It's really beautiful this time of year.

- Hmm, really?
- Yeah!

- London!
- Maybe I should go, Marty.

No, it's cold. Right now it's
cold and foggy and dangerous.

They have gangs over there and everything
else and I'll be doing business.

I never travel with you.
I think it's a great idea. I'm going.

- Let's talk about--
- Thank you.

That's decided.
I'm in.


- What's everybody getting for lunch?
- Fish chowder.

Gonna have some sort
of light salad.

- I'm not that hungry.
- I think I'm gonna get the buffet.

- All right.
- All right. I'll be back.

- The fish chowder's yummy.
- Larry!

- Hey, Joe.
- Larry, how are you?

- Pretty good.
- Susie: Anna!

- Oh my God, how are you?
- Right right right, this is Anna.

Hey, this is-- You know Joe O'Donnell,
the owner of the Dodgers.

- Yes. - Hi, everybody.
I didn't want to interrupt.

- Nice to meet you.
- Anna and I did pilates together.

- How are you? Things going good?
- Great great, yeah.

Did you speak to Andy today?
Our fearless attorney?

- We have the same divorce lawyer.
- Oh yes!

Oh, the fun we're having.

- How's it going with you?
- Well...

You know, it's complicated
to say the least.

The team is--
The team's an asset

and it's kind of a little
precarious right now.

I think he'll come through for us though.
I'm pretty confident.

- Yeah, he's good.
- By the way, would you be...

Would you be interested in coming
out, sitting in a box with me?

- Oh, that'd be fun.
- We can commiserate,

discuss why the hell we got
married in the first place.

Yeah, I'd be interested.

- Yes.
- Oh, we should tell them.

Joe's 13-year-old daughter Kyra is going
to be knocking on your doors possibly.

- Look out!
- She's selling girl scout cookies.

- It's the last week.
- She's going for the record this year.

- She was close.
- We're in, right, Jeff?

I'll be slamming the door in her face.
I hope that doesn't bother you.

- Oh come on, give her a break.
- We're sending her to you first.

She's coming.
Be prepared.

- Take care, everybody.
- Nice to see you.

- Oh, okay!
- Huh?

- There you go.
- You loving that?

- That is beautiful.
- I told you the buffet, man.

- Boy, did we do the wrong thing.
- Shrimp?

- Crab legs, shrimp, potatoes.
- I'm still a little bit hungry. Can I take a couple potatoes?

- Help yourself.
- Funkhouser: Look at that.

- Take a crab leg. Absolutely.
- Are you sure?

- Take some shrimp too.
- I'll take two shrimp. There we go.

- Thank you.
- Take three. You want three?

No, two's plenty.
That's all I want.

- Funkhouser: When you go back, get me some.
- Hi, I'm sorry to interrupt.

Um, but you can't take
from the buffet

and share with someone
who's ordered off the menu.

So unfortunately we're going to have to
charge you for an additional buffet.

- It says it's all you can eat.
- It's all you can eat.

What's the difference if I
give it to somebody else?

Because then he's eating it.
It's all he can eat also.

I wasn't going to make a second visit.
This is it. This is my only plate.

- But how am I to know that?
- It doesn't say that you can't--

Excuse me, maybe I can help.
Hello, I'm Hiriam Katz,

Maybe I can straighten this out.

First of all, in your implied
contract with this man

there is nothing that allows you to
restrict what he does with your product

after he purchases it, so he can
do whatever wants with the food.

And secondly, if you suspect that he's
stealing another buffet from you,

you'd have to be able
to establish prior intent.

Now can you prove prior tent?

I didn't think so.

So in the absence of that, I'm afraid
there's really nothing you can do

except probably apologize to these people
and maybe buy them a round of drinks.


I'm sorry and...

I'd be happy to get you
a round of drinks.

Apology accepted.
That won't be necessary.

- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.

I hope you don't mind.
I hate to see people ripped off that way.

So I thought I would dive in.
I am Hiriam Katz,

Here's my card.

Enjoy your brunch.

Hey, how about O'Donnell
inviting me to sit in his box?

That's some cool shit.
Let me tell you something.

- This is gonna be great for us, man.
- I know.

This is better than--
Excuse me?

- It's great for us.
- Great for us?

- It's great for me.
- The hookup always comes with a plus one.

- There's no plus one here.
- I get hooked up,

- you get hooked up all the time.
- You've never gotten a hookup!

I got plenty of hookups, Larry.
You don't see them.

You don't notice
the small shit, Larry!

What small shit?
There hasn't been any small things.

- It's the small things, Larry.
- ( Doorbell rings )

- There's no plus one.
- There's always a plus one.

Hi, is this
Larry David's house?

- This is Larry David.
- Oh, hi. I'm Kyra, Joe's daughter.

- Kyra O'Donnell!
- Yeah.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Um, do you like girl scout cookies?
- I find them abhorrent.

- But come in.
- Okay, cool.

Um, so we're in stock
on a lot of the cookies.

- Okay.
- Which is good news.

Um, we have Thank You
Berry Munch cookies.

Oh, thank you berry munch, ooooh.

Th-th-th-thank you berry munch.

( Giggles )
We he the Tagalongs.

- Tagalongs.
- Yeah.

We have the...

You know what?
I'm not even interested.

Give me five boxes
of each of them.

- Really?
- Yeah, what do you say to that?

- That's awesome.
- Huh? Not bad, right?

Okay, yeah. Um, well, you could
just take a look at that.

All right.
Now you see, these Samoas,

that looks
pretty good actually.

It's covered with caramel,
rolled in toasted coconut.

'Cause I'm a huge coconut guy.

Everything okay?

I, uh, think I just had
my first period.

That's... yeah.

Okay, so that's no problem.

That's no problem at all.
You know why? In fact,

I got an ex-wife
and I was married

and she's a woman.
She left stuff upstairs

that's going to be
very valuable to you.

I'm going to run up and get it.
You stay right here. Don't move.

Okay, don't worry.
You had it in the right place.

I'm not kidding.
I got this. I got this.

Stay right there.
I'll be right down.


Okay, got it.

Here you go, all right.

All right, good luck.

Um, I don't really know
how to use one of these.

Oh, okay, all right.
There's instructions here.


Okay okay.

"If you're using a tampon,
you'll see that"

the plastic applicator
is made of two tubes.

- One--"
- What do you mean "plastic applicator"?

I don't know what this is.

I just don't get
what you're saying.

Oh okay.

"Hold the applicator lightly
on the outer insertion tube

at the grip location with your
thumb and middle finger."

- What the fuck?
- Lightly?

- What do-- What am I supposed to--
- Wait a second.

"Gently slide the applicator
all the way into your vagi--"

How do I know
if I'm doing it right?

I've never used one of these and
I'm really frustrated right now.

Oh, okay!

I got it.
I got it.

Look, it pushes it out.

- Are you sure you're reading the right directions?
- No, listen to me.

Listen to me.
Take the inside where the string is

and push it--
Push it.

- Push it?
- Push it. You'll see a cotton--

- What are you talking about?
- You'll see a cotton piece come out.

Okay, that doesn't
make any sense.

- Can you talk a little slower?
- Okay.

- There's a tube, right?
- Yes.

- There's an outer tube and an inner tube.
- Inner tube?

Put the outer tube
in your vagina.

- And-and-- - I don't know what I'm
doing. I've never done this before.

Take the--

Take the outer tube, take your
thumb and middle finger...

- Wait, what?
- And push that tube forward.

- It comes out of the plastic!
- Wait, that seems wrong.

Look, it came out of the plastic.
I'm holding it!

- Okay--
- You got it?

I think so.
I think I got it.

All right!

Larry: So I'm at a light
on Bundy and San Vicente,

guy pulls up next to me
on a motorcycle,

- guess who it turns out to be.
- Portia de Rossi.

- Huh-uh.
- Who?

- Andrew Berg, my lawyer.
- Really? On a motorcycle?

Yeah. What is a Jew
doing on a motorcycle?

I never recall ever seeing
a Jew on a motorcycle.

- Did you ever want to get a motorcycle
- I once got on a motor scooter

and got about 30 feet and fell.

- Tor scooter? When did this occur?
- I was in college.

- Oh, you were in college.
- Yeah.

So you had a big 'fro
on a motor scooter?

- Yes, yeah.
- It's not this Larry on the motor scooter.

It's young Larry
with the big 'fro.

Right, it's 'fro Larry.

Well, good afternoon, General Petrus.
It's lovely to see you.

- Funny, funny, funny.
- ( Giggles )

- And I thank you for your service.
- Ha ha ha ha.

This happens to be very in.
John Varvatos...

- Really?
- His entire fall collection...

- Is that right? Camouflage, is that
the new thing? - LS camouflage.

Yes. Listen, you know, I
gotta tell you something.

You better go over to
O'Donnell and apologize.

- Why, what did I do?
- You're teaching his daughter how to put in a tampon?

- He's very upset about it.
- Oh, come on!

If her nose is running
and she needed a tissue,

I would have given her a tissue.
Same thing.

No, not the same thing.
It's inappropriate.

- It's a tampon.
- What are you talking about?

- The girl was having her period in my house.
- It's not my issue, Larry!

It's his issue.
I'm just the messenger.

Don't kill the messenger,
as they say.

- I wouldn't mind killing the messenger.
- Yeah, I bet.

- ( Doorbell rings )
- Say those things when you really love me.

- I think the whole thing is crazy.
- You know what?

- I don't think he's gonna give you those tickets.
- Really?

- That's so ridiculous.
- So go apologize.

- What's the big fucking deal?
- I'm gonna go over there and talk to him.

- Hi, Marty.
- Hi, Susie.

Well, look who's here.
It's the big funk.

You are a colossal prick.

- ( Laughs )
- Do you know that?

- Boy, I'm really getting it today.
- You think it's funny?

- What did I do?
- Let me tell you something.

You ruined my whole vacation.
You had to butt in

and tell Nan to go on my trip.

- I'm sorry.
- I could have had three weeks

working and being alone.

I was curious as to why
she wasn't going.

Why don't you just go with her?
Why don't you bring her?

I'm bored! Everywhere I go with
her we don't look at each other,

she talks over me.
I want to be alone.

I want to get the chance
to spread my wings.

- Why don't you get a divorce?
- I'm too lazy.

Yes, may I help you?

I'm here to see
Mr. O'Donnell.

- Larry David.
- Mr. O'Donnell here,

but he give me special instruction
not to open the door for you.

Wait a second.

What do you mean he doesn't
want to see me? Why?

Mr. O'Donnell say you did
bad thing to miss Kyra.

- A bad thing?
- Yes.

Oh no no no no no.

I didn't do anything bad
to miss Kyra.

I close door. Mr. O'Donnell say,
"Larry David, close door on him."

What? Hold it.
Wait a second.

I'm supposed to go to the
baseball game with him.

- You have ticket?
- No, but he asked me if I was interested

and I said I'd be
very interested.

Interested doesn't mean ticket.

Yeah, interested means ticket!

I'm interested,
I have no ticket.

Gardener interested,
chauffer interested,

cook interested--
Cook more interested than me,

he has no ticket!

- Larry: No.
- I can't have them?

- No.
- That's where you draw the line?

- I love those.
- No.

Put those back.

You don't even know what they are.
Do you know what they are?

I don't care. You're not coming
up here and stealing those!

- Those things.
- Yes.

Well, okay, if you change your
mind, let me know and I'll...

- I will, I'll let you know.
- ...I will return them immediately.

- I'll let you know.
- I know, it's kinda weird we're gonna actually

- sign the papers, right?
- Yeah, we're gonna sign those papers.

- I'm fine with it.
- You know, a lot of people, after they get divorced,

they look at their marriage
like it was a waste of time?

- I don't think so.
- I don't either.

To me, it's kind of
like public school.

You went to school,
you got through it

- and now you move on.
- What'd you learn?

I wouldn't be tongue scraping
if it wasn't for you.

- Look what you taught me.
- And that's what you're taking away from our marriage.

- Yes.
- Okay, I'm glad you're taking something with you.

- Hey, before you go.
- Yes?

Do you think there's any
chance we could have sex?

- Um, no.
- Come on.

What's the difference?
Honestly, think about it,

what's the difference?
Let's just do it. Come on.

What have I done?
Name one thing I've done

that makes you think I want
to have sex with you.

- Well, um...
- I'm talking to you?

Yes, you're talking to me.

- That's all you need?
- Yeah. When there are women in this bedroom,

it seems crazy if
I don't at least offer.

Oh, I meant to tell you--
This is interesting--

- You know your attorney?
- Andrew Berg!

Andrew Berg went
to high school with Julie

at St. Christopher's.
They actually sat next to each other--

Wait a second.
How could Andrew Berg

go to St. Christopher's?
Isn't that a catholic school?

- Yeah.
- ( Doorbell rings )

I saw him on that motorcycle

the other day.

- Oh well.
- Girls: Hi!

- Good afternoon.
- Hello. Good afternoon.

So we're troop 205
and we're here to collect

the money
from the cookies, Mr. David,

that Kyra said you were
interested in buying.

First of all, I commend you
on the demographics.

Thank you.

A black, an Asian and--
Are you a Jew perchance?

- Uh, no.
- Oh okay, still,


Regarding the cookies, there's
been a change of plans.

Sorry to say,

I no longer want them.

But Kyra said you were
interested in buying them.

I was interested and now,

as a result of some
difficulties with her father,

- I'm no longer interested.
- What?

- You're not getting any money from me.
- You can't do that!

- Be a gentleman.
- I am a gentleman, young lady!

- Oh no, you're not!
- A real gentleman...

- Would give us the money.
- ...Would give us the money, yeah.

- I am a gentleman--
- No, you're not!

- Yes, I am a gentleman.
- You can't just do that!

- Yes, yeah, I'm doing it.
- No!

You go talk to Joe O'Donnell.

Ask him why there's not
going to be any cookies!

- ( Girls yelling )
- Oh, too bad!


Hey, look who's here!

- Hello, Berg.
- How are you feeling?

I'm feeling okay.
So, Berg,

I was talking to Cheryl
and she told me

that a friend of hers

went to high school with you.

- Really?
- Yes.

I think the name
of the high school was...

- St.... Christopher's.
- St. Christopher's, that's correct.

That is my alma mater, yes.

Didn't know that they took Jews
at St. Christopher's.

Oh, well, they don't.
I mean, why would they?

- Oh, I'm not-- I'm not Jewish.
- Oh!

- You're not.
- Did you think I was Jewish?

Oh-- Yes, I did.

- Because of Berg!
- Yes, because of Berg.

- Because of Berg.
- Yes.

- I've often wondered would people...
- Really?

- ...Think that.
- Yes, and you did nothing

- to perpetuate that, did you?
- Well, no, I mean--

Well, I'm not sure
what you mean.

Oh, how about on my birthday?
"Mazel tov, Larry."

Well, you're Jewish.
It's only respectful.

On the high holy days, I said,
"hey, you going to temple, Berg?"

- And you went, "no."
- Right, 'cause I'm not Jewish

so why would I go to temple?

Right, like, "I'm a Jew,
but not a practicing Jew."

- Oi, Larry, with this--
- Oi! Again! See?

- It's an expression.
- There's another-- It's an expression?

- It's an expression that people use.
- What is this thing?

A shofar.
Why is this on your desk?

People give me gifts.
They'll give me like-- That for my desk

or the mezuzah
that's on the door.

- What are you, by the way?
- I'm Swedish.

I got a Swede lawyer?
She's gonna get everything!

You got a good lawyer.
You got the best lawyer, Larry.

- I'm sorry, Berg.
- It's a shanda, Larry.

I got sweded.

So did you know Berg
was a Swede?

I thought he was Jewish.
He seemed Jewish.

When he first met me,
he called me a big macher.

- He said macher?
- "Maher," wait, there's more.

- With that pronunciation?
- Macher.

- He had the whole "ch".
- Wow, he's so devious.

And then he'd call me
maybe once a month

and ask me if I wanted
to go for a nosh.

"Come on, let's go for a nosh.
It'll be good."

I'll tell you one thing, I'm not signing
any papers until I get a new lawyer.

That guy's got a scam going.

Oh, see that?

- Did you just win?
- Yeah.

- Game over again.
- ( Doorbell rings )

- He just won.
- ( Larry snorts )

- Come in, it's open.
- L.D.!

Guess who's getting a divorce.

- What?
- Martin Norton Funkhouser.

- Really?
- And it's because of you!

That man and I were talking
about the London trip...

- Yeah?
- ...I started to realize, "wait a minute.

If I did go to Europe
without her, I'd come back

"and it would be 20 more
years of boredom."

So I said to Nan,
"look, let's get a divorce."

She said okay.

I'm gonna be single!

- You and me!
- Wow.

- Is that great?
- My man.


You know what you do when
you get a fucking divorce?

Ride around and bump the horn and shit
like motherfuckers getting married.

- What a great idea.
- God damn right.

- Put cans on your car, beep your horn.
- "Just divorced."

- Larry: "Just divorced."
- I'm excited I'm single.

Get out there and get some new
ass, know what I'm saying?

You done ran that other ass
in the ground, right?

Uh, I don't want to talk
about my wife like that.

You ran that ass in the ground
and you're moving on, right?

I didn't run any-- We had a
nice marriage for 20 years.

- No, you ran that ass in the ground.
- I don't run people's ass

- in the ground.
- All men do.

It's not a negative thing to run
an ass in the ground. That's all.

Leon: You ran that shit in the
ground like a rent-a-car.

- What's with you?
- What do you mean what's with me?

- What are you so glum about?
- It's just that everybody's

getting a chance to get
divorced except me.

You get divorced,
you get divorced,

you don't even need
to get divorced.

Even the owner of the Dodgers,
O'Donnell, he gets a divorce.

Larry: Shit, I just
realized something.

O'Donnell's got the Swede.
I should really tell him about Berg.

- What's wrong with Berg?
- He's not a Jew.

- He's a Swede.
- He is?

I was at his house for hanukah.

- He's a Swede?
- A Swede.

- You're kidding me?
- No, he's a Swede.

I just--
I mean--

I knew there was something that
didn't add up about that guy.

- It's true.
- He took me for a ride, that's what he did.

- Unbelievable.
- I do appreciate you

coming in here to tell me this.

I mean, you didn't
have to at all.

Especially considering what
happened with my daughter.

- I felt I had to tell you.
- I don't know what I'm gonna do now.

I mean, I am fighting
for everything here.

I could lose this entire organization.
This whole team!

- I got a lot at stake myself.
- ( Sighs )

You know what?

I got just the guy.

- You sure you're really Jewish?
- I'm the real deal.

- How fun is this?
- How great is this?

Two single guys at a ballgame

and we're sitting
in the owner's box.

I know.
How about that?

Can you believe that stupid
remark you said to me

- changed my life for the better.
- Isn't it incredible?

Oh, I love you!
How is that lawyer?

- Hiriam Katz, he's fantastic.
- He must be great.

He redid my entire divorce settlement.
You've got to use him.

- I will use him.
- Names please.

Larry David, Marty Funkhouser.

I'm sorry, gentlemen.
Your names are not on the list.

No no no.

Larry David. I'm a friend
of Joe O'Donnell's.

Oh, Mr. O'Donnell
no longer owns the team.

- What?
- He lost it in the divorce

so his wife owns it now.

- He lost it in the divorce?
- Yes sir.

Didn't you recommend
Hiriam Katz to O'Donnell?

And you used Hiriam Katz
for your divorce?

Oh my God! He's meeting with
Cheryl's lawyers right now!

They're gonna finalize the papers.
I've got to get over there.

( Honks )

( Dialing )

- You've reached Hiriam Katz.
- Voicemail!

This guy doesn't
have an assistant.

- ( Beeps )
- Katz, it's Larry.

Don't sign anything.
I'm on my way up to your office.

You cost me the Dodgers.

( Groans )

( Moaning )

He hit me.

Don't worry. I think I've got something
that will stop the bleeding.

- I think it's working.
- It's doing the job.

- Thank you so much.
- I think you're gonna be fine.

- Larry?
- Take care.

What is in your nose?

It's a tampon.

Well, I got hit in the face.
What was I supposed to do?

- It stopped the bleeding.
- Okay.

Um, so you know, I just
signed the papers.

And I got the house

so you have 24 hours
to vacate the premises.

- What? You got the house?
- We should go.

You're not supposed
to get the house!

He gave up my house,
that idiot!?

Cheryl, that's not fair!


Excuse me,
do you have a scissor?

I need to cut the string here.

I don't want to move, man.
I don't want to uproot again

and I gotta move to a new house now.
I like this house, man.

- Yeah, I like it too.
- Everything I did in this house, man, is a memory to me.

All the bitches I had
in here, man.

Fucking two bitches
in your bed.


Fucking two bitches
in your bed.

You had sex with two women
in my bedroom?

Fucking right I did!
How you gonna fuck bitches

- in a twin bed.
- I don't want you having sex in my bed!

You know what, Larry?
You done fucked that shit up! You know why?

Because you got that bullshit-ass
lawyer who got us kicked out of here.

You picked that fucking lawyer.
You fucking my shit up.

Okay, you know what?
We got a half hour to get out of here.

I suggest you go pack up
and bring your stuff down.

- Fuck you, Larry.
- Fuck you, Leon.

( Doorbell rings )

Hi, Mr. Larry David,

we have your cookies
that you ordered.

- Oh ho ho.
- We are here for our money

- then we'll leave you alone.
- Oh, that's very interesting.

I have a vague recollection,

correct me if I'm wrong,

- of canceling my order.
- ( Girls clamoring )

- You already ordered them.
- Really?

You know what?
I got news for you.

- I don't even like girl scout cookies.
- ( Shouting )

All right, don't scream at me.
I'm not gonna be intimidated

by a bunch of girl scouts.
I can tell you that.

Okay, this discussion is over.


( Shouting, pounding )

( Groaning)

( Theme music playing )