Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 7, Episode 10 - Seinfeld - full transcript

Taping the Seinfeld reunion proves to be difficult after Larry's fight with a local coffee vendor alienates Jason Alexander and costs him quality time with Cheryl.

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I've been dreading

telling you about this
whole madoff thing.

Oh, well...

You must hate me for
losing all our money.

Look at me. I'm living with jerry.

We're wiped out.

Actually, I'm fine, george.

Fine?

I took my half out of madoff
right after we got divorced.

- You what?
- I still have my half.

Wait a second.



- Is that right?
- It's good, yeah.

It's good. Keep going.

- Okay.
- Why did you take it out?

I bumped into madoff
on the street one day

 and he was wearing this
quilted jacket with the collar up.

And for some reason
it just creeped me out.

So the next day I
pulled all my money out.

That's... That's my money!

You have my money!

Not according to the laws
of the state of new york.

Man: and the waitress brings the check.

- No, let me.
- I got it.

- I got it.
- I got it.

- I got it.
- Would you let me get the check!?



Okay, jeez.

Forgot to go to the cash machine.

- Man: cut. That's it for scene 8.

We're right back here tomorrow.

That's a wrap.

That was great. Really funny.

I don't know. Was the
pace of that right?

- No, it was perfect.
It was really good.

That was so funny, that ending.

It's really good. It's really good.

I'm done. I'm gonna go
talk to the prop guy.

The glasses are a little off.

- Okay.
- Thanks, cheryl. See you tomorrow.

- Okay.
- Okay, good job.

- Fantastic.
- No, be honest with me.

I'm being honest. You were fantastic.

I am not fantastic.

You are. And they like you.

- They like you.
- Who likes me?

Jason likes you. Jerry likes you.

Julia likes you. They
all like you. Michael.

I like you.

- You having fun here?
- Yeah, it's great.

- It's like your thing.
- I know, I'm having a great time.

It's like you're the man, you know?

- No big deal.
- It's the "seinfeld" reunion.

- I know.
- That's a big deal.

- It's actually happening.
- And you're in it.

Yeah.

- Hey, how's michael doing?
- He's doing great.

- He is?
- Yeah, the groat's disease came back negative.

- So he doesn't have groat's?
- No, he doesn't have it.

- He's fine.
- Oh, that's great. That's good news.

- Yeah.
- What are you doing later?

I was... I'm still...

There are still moments in this
script that I'm trying to find.

- Really?
- I don't know, I thought maybe we could

get together or something.

Sure, yeah.

What about after julia's
book party for jason?

Definitely.

- That'd be great.
- I'll come over right after the book party.

- Terrific.
- It's a good plan.

- Okay.
- All right.

- Is that jason's car?
- Yeah.

What's with the tinted windows?

I think he likes his privacy.

You know, being a celebrity...

What is he, george
clooney? I mean, come on.

It also is helpful with the sun.

And he takes his dogs with him everywhere
so it probably gets hot in there.

Boy, you know a lot about this guy.

We spend a lot of time together

just talking about
nothing between takes.

- Talking about the kitchen.
- Hey, larry. Hey, cheryl.

- Hey, mocha joe.
- How you guys doing?

You have the best vanilla decaf latte.

- I don't know what he does.
- Well, a little secret.

- You got some secrets, mocha joe?
- Yeah yeah yeah.

- I'll tell you about it someday.
- Okay.

Hey, where you going with this?

I was going over to
the production office.

- Our office?
- Yeah, your office.

- Could you do me a favor?
- Yeah, sure.

Could you bring some
jumper cables to tim kaiser?

- I've got to return them.
- yeah, sure.

- Really? That would be fabulous
- all right, cool.

- Thanks, mocha joe.
- That's it, right?

- Just bring these to the production office?
- Give them to tim kaiser.

- Yeah, no problem.
- Thanks.

I'll talk to you later. Thanks for
the compliment about the coffee.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

All right, I'll see
you in a little while.

I really like your hair like that.

- Okay, I'll see you later.
- I'll see you later.

We've just been getting along so great.

And when we were walking
out of the stage today

she invited me to her house

tonight to go over lines.

- Really?
- Yes.

- It's unbelievable.
- Wow.

So it's like a date, I guess.

I think you should make a move tonight.

- Nah.
- Yeah.

- What?
- Make a move.

I can't. Whenever I make a move

- you see it a mile away. It's like a poker tell.
- No no no.

Because I'm thinking about it,
my conversation gets very stilted.

She invited you. You must make a move.

I'm so happy just to
be going over there,

being close with her, I don't
even care about the move.

You realize all your
dreams are coming true?

- Your whole plan is coming to fruition.
- Yes, I know.

- Ah, the actor prepares.
- Yeah.

- What do you think?
- Wow.

I love the face. Don't
you love the face?

- The burning intensity, yes.
- Yeah.

The let's cut the crap, you know?

It's not so much as a book

as a pamphlet, you know?

Kind of on the thin side, isn't it?

He's saying "acting without acting."

So if you're not gonna act
there's not much left to say.

"acting without acting."

- Yeah, everything is without.
- Yeah.

Raise your kids without raising them.

You know what else is kind of annoying?

Have you noticed people are
saying, "having said that"

- after everything they say now?
- Yes.

Having said that, let me say this.

- Right right. You say what you really want to say...
- Yeah.

...and then you negate it.

Now having said that. So what
is that? So you win either way.

A comedian goes up on stage,

"you people are a bunch of morons.

Having said that, i'm
very happy to be here."

Hey, I talked to your buddy
mocha joe a minute ago.

You know, he's a little upset
that you didn't give him anything

for taking those jumper
cables to tim kaiser.

- He said something to you?
- Yeah, he did.

- What?
- He made a comment that larry...

Boy, it takes a lot to
get a tip out of that guy.

I asked him to do me a favor.
I didn't say I want to hire you.

- I said do me a favor.
- That's what a tip is.

A tip is money for a favor.

No, a favor implies no tip.

Someone that was supposed to be tipped
was not tipped. You'd better tip him.

- Salutations, me lads.
- Hey, look at that.

How are you? Nice to see you.

You're really cutting
the figure these days.

Well, thank you very much.

- Congrats.
- Thank you very much.

- This is really something.
- Thank you very much.

- How long did this take?
- That's about a year and change of my life.

- Really?
- Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.

Yet it's very concise.

Yeah, I tried to get it
down to the essentials.

Yeah, I'll read it with dinner.

Yeah, what does "acting
without acting" mean?

It just means you don't want
to see the actor at work.

- Right.
- You want to hide the technique.

It's acting. It's doing
the job. It's the craft.

- So you hide the actor's effort.
- But he's still acting.

- Yeah, of course you're acting.
- Right.

So it could be "acting with acting."

- That could be a title too.
- Larry: yeah.

Having said that, I think
this is a terrific title.

- Thanks.
- Hey, lar. Lar.

- Can I talk to you just for a sec?
- Oh, sure.

It is without acting.
It's hiding the acting.

Right, it's hiding the acting
and yet it's all acting.

- Most of it.
- Yeah.

Uh, were you sitting here?

- Mm-hmm. -
Earlier? You were?

Has it ever occurred
to you to use a coaster?

- Look.
- Oh.

I am a little bit freaked
out because you need to know

this table has been in
the louis-dreyfus family

for generations, okay? And look at it.

Yeah, but I didn't put
my glass down there.

- I held onto it.
- No no no, but you were here.

Yeah, I know, but the
glass never left my hand.

When I'm in social situations
I always hold onto my glass.

It makes me feel comfortable and
secure and I don't have to shake hands.

Listen, one of these
friends of jason told me,

"oh, larry did that. Larry david
did that. He was just sitting here."

- So said that?
- I don't know what his name is.

I don't know who any of these
people are in my house, by the way.

Where is he? Which friend?

Well, look it, you say you
would never put a wet glass

down on an antique wooden table.

- No, impossible.
- All right, I believe you.

Having said that,

I don't really think I'm
buying your line of bullshit.

- Mocha joe.
- Oh, how you doing, larry?

So I understand you were a little upset

that I didn't give you a tip

for taking the jumper
cables to the office.

- Is that true?
- I'm not upset,

but I'm a little disappointed.

Mocha joe, I asked you to do me a favor.

- That's a favor.
- Yeah, but you tip for a favor, larry.

If you asked me to do you
a favor I would say yes.

I wouldn't expect any money in return.

- I would do it out of the goodness of my heart.
- Really?

- You would do me a favor out of the goodness of your heart?
- Of course I would.

You do me a favor and we're even.

- What's the favor?
- Go into west hollywood

to stern bros. Coffee and pick
up my coffee order for tomorrow.

Mocha joe, that's insane.

Hollywood is the exact opposite
direction of where I live.

You know what, larry? If you don't do
the favor, we got nothing to talk about.

- Now get away from my cart.
- All right, mocha joe.

- No, there's nothing to talk about, larry.
- You know what?

I just realized something.
I just realized something.

I was completely wrong
about not tipping you.

- Oh really?
- And I want to make it up to you right now.

- Okay.
- I want to tip you now.

- No.
- Forget this favor.

- No no no no.
- No, I'll tip you. I'll give you a tip.

No, you said you would do me the favor.

Now you're going back and
you want to pay me off?

- I want to go back in time...
- Go back in time?

- ... Give you the tip the you deserved...
- Yeah.

...for taking the jumper
cables to the office

even though you were going there

and I'll give you the tip
that I should have given you.

No going back in time.

You said you would do me
a favor. Now do me a favor.

Okay, mocha joe.

I'll go to hollywood.

I'll pick up your beans, okay?

Here's the card for stern
bros. Coffee, west hollywood.

Pick up that coffee for me.
Bring it to the studio tomorrow.

- That squares us?
- Yeah, that'll square us.

See you tomorrow, larry.

- Oh.
- Oh, hi.

I hardly got a chance to talk to you.

- I know.
- So I'll see you later?

- See you later.
- Great.

What? We're working.
We're doing some work.

We are. We're working together.

God damn it!

- Cheryl: hello?
- hey, it's me.

- hey.
- um, look,

I think I'm gonna be late.

I'm in bad traffic.

I've got to go into hollywood to
pick up some beans for mocha joe.

What are you doing?
you're picking up beans?

it's a long story. I'm
gonna be like an hour late.

Oh my god. i thought
you were on your way over.

I am. I mean, I can, you know.

- It's only an hour.
- i know, but you're gonna take an hour?

i think we should just do...
we'll do it another time.

- okay?
- all right. Okay.

Okay. i'll see you tomorrow.

all right. See you tomorrow.

All right, thanks, larry. bye.

bye.

hey!

fucking mocha joe!

So how's it going with cheryl?

- Really good.
- She got anything?

Yeah. Yeah, she's good.

- I like what she's doing.
- Really?

Easy to work with. We got
together last night at her place.

- Oh really?
- Cheryl calls me up, she says come on over.

- i go over, we worked for like two hours.
- wow.

- When has an actress done that?
- so which shirt do you like?

pick one out.

Hey, lar. lar.

The guy came, I got an estimate

and it's gonna cost 500
bucks to fix that table.

The ring.

- I...
- Yes you did.

Come on, man. Yes you did.

Please don't play this game with me.

I would tell you if I left it.

I respect wood. I revere wood.

I'm considerate of wood.

Lar, I have known you since 1983.

- Whatever it is.
- Four. Yeah, four.

I know when you are lying.

And right now you're doing that thing
with your mouth when it's like...

Really?

Seriously?

I don't even care
about the money, larry.

Just fess up, man.

If you didn't do it, who did it?

- You're the person...
- I'm going to find out.

- Oh, please.
- I will find out

and I will drag that person by the hair

and bring him into
your dressing room soon.

- Oh, man.
- Okay, scene s is up.

We're in jerry's apartment.
It's george and amanda.

We're right here.

And we were talking about
you and the therapist says

that maybe there's another side to you.

Not just another... Dozens.

How about that? How about that?

- So why don't we sit down?
- Sit down.

Yeah, come on. Would you like
some popcorn? Because I made it.

- Wait, is that in there?
- Uh-huh, I made it.

I know, but I don't say I made it.

- No, I say I made it.
- I know, it was so convincing.

I'm playing george.

- I don't understand this bit.
- It's great.

But it says that they
fight over the popcorn.

- Is it like wrestling?
- No no, it's not wrestling.

You're fighting with your hands, okay?

- Yeah.
- Jerry: let it go. wherever it goes.

It's rehearsal. It's exploratory.

So do you want some popcorn? I made it.

This is like the greatest relationship
I've ever seen you have on the show.

I know, george has
never been this happy.

I'm watching richard benjamin
and paula prentiss here.

- This is fantastic.
- She's unbelievable.

- Jerry: I really believe this.
- Cheryl: thank you.

Okay, that's lunch for a half.

We're feeding on 19. We're
right back here after lunch.

- What do we got, like a half hour?
- take whatever you want.

- That is gold.
- You want to have some lunch?

Don't change anything though.

- Lar. Hey, lar.
- One second.

- no, lar, wait a second.
- How you doing?

- You know what? I've got to get going.
- One second.

Did you get a chance to pick up
those beans? I'm really low on coffee.

You know, I went and
there was a lot of traffic.

I got stuck in traffic and
by the time I got there...

I went all the way over
there, the store was closed

so I couldn't get 'em.

So you didn't get the beans?

No, I didn't get the beans.

So you didn't do me the favor?

I attempted to do you the favor.

I tried to do you the favor.
What are you talking about?

- An attempt is not a favor.
- What?

It is a favor. It is a favor.
That's as good as a favor.

- The effort was there.
- What did you come back with, though?

Well, the store was closed.

Driving to a coffee
place is not a favor.

Where did I bring the jumper cables,

halfway to your office
or to your office?

Mocha joe has nothing to
show for your supposed favor.

- I know.
- You have jumper cables. What does he got?

- Exactly.
- He's got a guy who has a story about traffic.

- Thank you, jerry.
- You're welcome, mocha joe.

Come on, I did a lot for mocha joe.

Mocha joe doesn't need
people driving around for him.

- He needs coffee.
- Whatever happened to e for effort, jerry?

E for effort! You
people think about that.

E for effort!

F for favor!

C for coffee.

Larry: and by the time I got
outside they went to lunch

in his car with the tinted windows.

Who knows what's going on
with those tinted windows?

Anything could be going on in that car.

They could be eating burritos

behind those tinted windows at lunch.

That's your proof?
They've got tinted windows?

It's not only that. I told
you what happened on stage.

The way they were
getting along and laughing

and the touching and all that.

And last night he was at her house.

I'm sorry, but you sound crazy.

You didn't see them. If you had
seen them you wouldn't say that.

I think you should
just let this blow over.

This is nothing. And
just go back to work.

Come on. I'll see you later.

All right.

oh.

- Hmm.
- what?

you got a ring stain on your table.

- really?
- that's interesting.

What? What's interesting
about a ring stain?

Wait a second.

- Yeah?
- I remember susie

had a drink at the party.

She was standing right by that table.

- Hey, jeff.
- Yeah?

Oh, hi, lar. Jeff, did
you call the sprinkler guy?

- Because it's not working.
- Not yet.

- You told me 10 minutes ago.
- Hey.

- I'll call him.
- What?

I notice you got a little
ring stain on your table.

I know. I noticed that.

- How'd that happen?
- I don't know.

- No idea?
- No.

Do you respect wood, susie?

Uh, yes, I do respect wood. Why?

You've demonstrated a consistent
lack or respect for wood as I see it.

I don't know what you're getting
at. I don't know what this is about.

I'll tell you what I'm getting at.

- I see a ring stain on your table.
- Yeah.

I remember you standing over
julia's antique table with a drink.

- Yeah, therefore?
- Okay? I'm putting two and two together.

I think you left that ring
stain on julia's table.

So don't tell me you respect wood.

Oh, I respect wood, larry.

I respect wood so much

that if I had a piece of
wood in my hand right now

i'd beat the shit out
of you with it, okay?

- Mmm.
- Get the fuck out of here, all right?

Okay.

- What is he doing, jeff?
- i don't know anymore.

What are you... You're looking
for fucking ring stains on my...

Don't touch my books! Get out!

Get the fuck out!

Call the sprinkler guy!

Oh, jeez. It's bright out here.

- Hey.
- What did you do to your windows?

I got them tinted.

- Jason's guy gave me a great deal.
- Oh, his guy?

- Yeah.
- Really?

I'm telling you, it makes a
big difference with the sun.

- It's so bright.
- What happened the other night?

What do you mean?

I was supposed to come over.

You told me not to come and
you wound up working with jason.

Well, you said you were
busy with your beans,

- doing something for mocha joe.
- Busy with my beans?

I wasn't busy with any beans.

That's what you said on the phone...
You were doing something with beans.

I was picking beans up.
I wasn't busy with them.

That's busy.

I said the phrase busy with
beans? I don't think so.

You said beans and
clearly you were busy.

So you could not come over to my house.

You want to think I was busy with
beans, go ahead and think that.

That's what you said on the
phone. Why would I make up beans?

So what was jason doing at your house?

- I'm just curious.
- I need to get going.

- You're being weird.
- I'm not being weird. I'm just curious.

I want to know how he wound up there.

Did he call you? Did you call him?

I'm curious.

This is all your fault, mocha joe.

- What's all my fault?
- Everything.

- What are you talking about?
- You busied me with your beans.

I'm not gonna forget this, mocha joe.

You still owe me a favor, larry.

Yeah, I'll bring you
breakfast in bed tomorrow.

Yeah, good. I'll be hungry.

And we were talking about
you and the therapist says

that maybe there's another side to you.

Yeah, not just one. Dozens.

Should we sit down?

- okay.
- yeah.

I, uh... I made some popcorn.

Okay, you know what? I have an idea.

I think we should change the
blocking. Come here for a second.

- Okay.
- Come here.

- I want you to sit over here.
- All right.

- Jason, sit on the arm.
- Larry: i have an idea.

I want you over here on the stool.

- Okay?
- Jerry: over there?

- yeah.
- We have the whole popcorn thing.

You know what? Forget
the stool. Come here.

- I got a better idea.
- Lar.

Here's what we're gonna
do. Yeah, come here.

- Go in here.
- Jerry: what's he gonna do in there?

you stay here. You're
gonna do the scene in there.

- he's got to be next to her.
- That's funny.

- This is gonna be funny.
- No.

I want to see them get together.

- Jason: jerry?
- no no no.

- is this working for you?
- this is gonna be funny.

Can we just talk about this
for a second? I think, um...

Can we just... That's a five.

Did you get that? I
thought this was working.

I don't get this idea. This
doesn't make any sense at all.

Why? It's kind of quirky that he's
saying this stuff from the bathroom.

Who else would do that?

The bathroom? What is going...

- Something's up here.
- No.

How many years did we work together?

We would get so tired,

we spent so many hours together.

We would divulge the most intimate
details of our personal lives, right?

- Right.
- Like twins in a womb, right?

- That's how we did this show.
- Right.

So whatever it is, you can tell me.

Everything's fine.

You're sure?

Yeah.

Completely sure?

Yeah.

All right.

Man: that's lunch. One hour.

Hey, let's go to that thal
joint we used to go to.

Remember you used to get that
pad thal with the noodles?

- Yeah, I can't do it right now.
- Come on.

- Maybe we'll do it tomorrow.
- The peanut sauce.

Where's cheryl?

She left with jason.

Hey, did you see cheryl?

She went that way.

Cheryl! aha!

no!

Mocha joe!

mocha joe!

Somebody help me! Oh shit!

Oh no! ow! Oh no!

oh, mocha joe! Mocha joe!

They're going to destroy the dogs
now because mocha joe was bitten.

- Really?
- Yes.

- Huh.
- You have got to talk to him

and ask him to just drop the charges.

They're jason's dogs.

That's not my fault he's got
some killer dogs in there.

Why are you going through
his car, by the way?

Isn't that a little suspicious?

Well, I'm thinking
about buying one of those

and I wanted to check out the headroom.

Then you go to a showroom.
Go to a car dealer

and check it out. Talk to a salesman.

Look, the point is you
can't let the dogs die.

- You just can't.
- Really?

Yes, because jason will be a basketcase

and we have a show in three days.

Okay fine, i'll go talk to mocha joe.

But you know what? It's
not gonna make a difference.

He doesn't want to talk to me.

I'm gonna start to work on this a scene.

See if we can get a better opening.

What is this?

Looks like a stain from coffee.

Really?

Yeah, I got a ring stain from some
coffee. I put some coffee there.

Let me ask you a question.

Did you leave a ring stain on
julia louis-dreyfus's table?

Oh no. I would never do that.

How did this get here?

That's between the coffee and the wood.

- No, you don't respect wood.
- I do respect wood.

This is a low-grade wood.

Oh, so you discriminate amongst wood?

I guess you could say that.

I respect all wood. I respect pine.

I respect walnut. I respect oak.

Doesn't matter, okay? You don't.

And what about the dogs?
No respect for the dogs?

Your heart bleeds for the wood

but not for actual life.

So you go to a funeral, you're more
upset about the coffin than the deceased?

Did you leave that stain
on her coffee table, jerry?

You've lost your mind.

Okay.

I'm not done with that
ring stain so fast.

Oh, larry david, wood detective.

- Thanks, mocha joe.
- Thanks, buddy.

- Hi, mocha joe.
- What do you want, larry?

The thing is, mocha joe,

if you press charges

those dogs are gonna get put down.

That's right, larry. Those
dogs are getting gassed.

I'd do it myself if I could.
And I'd have it televised.

Well...

Then maybe you could do me a...

Solid.

A solid, larry?

Is there like another word for solid?

- Fav...
- I can't hear. What, larry?

- Favor.
- Did you say favor, larry?

Does this favor involve a tip?

Okay, mocha joe.

I guess it does.

That's for me bringing the
jumper cables to your office.

- Oh, and thank you so much.
- You're welcome.

- 'Cause I know how difficult that was for you.
- It was.

- It was hard work.
- Long walk.

That's for not picking up
my fucking coffee beans.

I went down there, but
the store was closed.

Not my fault.

One dog lives.

Hey, I'm here to pick up that
coffee for jason alexander.

Right, a black coffee no sugar
and one vanilla decaf latte.

- Great. Thanks so much.
- Vanilla decaf latte?

- Yeah, a vanilla decaf latte.
- All right.

The dogs, okay? Are we good?

Stay of execution.

How you doing, ladies?

- Hey.
- Hey, coffee time. A little caffeine.

- Yes.
- Thank you, I will get it where it's going.

- Enjoy.
- All right.

Hey, cheryl, what's going on in there?

Cheryl, open up.

- Hey, what are you doing?
- Where is he?

- What?
- Huh? Where is he?

Larry, hey!

that's right! I see you!

- Laughing at lar?
- larry!

scampering and scurrying, I see you!

Larry, what are you doing?

What am I doing? What are you doing?

- What's going in here?
- Nothing.

Something is going on, otherwise
he wouldn't be running away.

Well, you're intimidating him.

- Really?
- Yeah, he's very sensitive, by the way.

- Oh, is he?
- Yes.

- Jason's sensitive?
- He's sensitive.

He's funny. He's a little
neurotic, so things like this

- can get under his skin.
- Are you kidding?

- That's george. That's not jason.
- That's jason.

That's george. That's
all george. That's me.

I wrote that stuff. You're not
attracted to him, you're attracted to me.

I'm george.

Did you work on this with him?

Jerry: i didn't.

This is like a major... He
took the whole thing apart.

- lar, what did you do?
- what?

- It's all different.
- I made some changes.

I changed the ending.

Jerry: you got a whole new show here.

So george and amanda, they're
not gonna end up together?

- No.
- Oh, come on.

- Oh my god.
- Are you kidding?

It was so lame. Who's gonna buy that?

They get together... We
don't do endings like that.

- That's why it's so funny.
- Exactly.

It's all bullshit. What
couples get together in the end?

- You know it's fantasy crap.
- It doesn't matter.

Larry, we already screwed up
one finale. We can't do another.

We didn't screw up a finale.
That was a good finale.

- Let's talk about this.
- Larry, this changes the whole thing.

I was very invested in that story.

That story had a great ending.
This is a whole different thing.

Well, this is the
show. This is the show.

You know what? I'm not
comfortable with that.

- All right. I'm sorry, guys, I can't.
- Jason, come on.

No, jason. You're not
wrong, but we can't.

Larry, do what you want to do.
I quit, thank you very much.

- Jason.
- I'm sorry, mike.

- I'm sorry, I can't do it.
- This is working out great.

All right, okay. So how do
we do the show without jason?

It's just a script, larry.
There's no show without jason.

How do you even have the
show? What do you have?

You have a three-legged goat here.

So what are we doing?

I don't know. We're not doing anything.

Larry, what do you want to do?

I'll play george.

- What?
- I'll play george.

- I'll play george.
- what?

yes, I can do it.

You'll play what, george's
butler? What do you mean?

No, I will play george costanza.

I can do it. I know I can.

I wrote it. The
character is based on me.

There were two darrens on "bewitched."

Nobody liked that second darren.

- I didn't care for the second darren.
- But you bought it.

- Oh my god.
- Do you understand what this is?

It's iconic television here.

The set's an icon. He's an icon.

She's an icon. He was an icon.

Icon. No-con.

There's no john, paul, george and larry.

It's not what they want.

What are we gonna do?

Well, somebody's gonna
have to go get jason.

Let me try it. Let me try it.

Let me do one scene.
What have you got to lose?

Action!

So I'm in a bank the
other day. I'm on the line

and the guy in front of me is
leaving a space in front of him.

Well, you know, i can't take that.

- No, you can't take that.
- I'm thinking, "come on, tighten it up, dude.

- Tighten it up."
- Right.

So then...

Oh, you're gonna do the
blackberry-head-down thing on me now?

What is with the blackberry people?

Can I just pick up a magazine,
hold in front of your face

and read it while you're
talking? Is that okay too?

Wait, what magazine?

Hey, george.

Are you happy?

- What?
- Huh?

I want to know if you're happy.

Yeah, I'm reasonably happy.

You had to interfere, didn't you?

George, what are you talking about?

Kramer and I were all set
to do this fake mugging

and you had to put all these ideas in his
head that he was doing something wrong.

George, wouldn't it be
easier just to talk to amanda?

No. No.

No. Ho-ho.

George is getting upset.

Huh? Huh? What do you think?

Yeah, I just quit. I did.

I tried to do george
and they didn't like it.

You know what? Let them do
their stupid ending with jason.

He's already on his way back here.

I don't care.

Well, you know what?

The only reason I did this
whole thing was to be with her,

to work with her, to get her back.

But if I can't have
her, what's the point?

I don't care. I'm... I'm done.

I'm quitting.

But man wants to make his woman happy.

Wants to do it.

Doesn't know how to do it.

sometimes we do it,
don't know how we did it.

can't ask, "what did I do?"

looks like you don't
know what you're doing.

Can't do nothing.

Woman says, "i can't
believe you're doing this. "

man says, "doing what?"
woman starts crying.

Man says, "i didn't do anything. "

woman says, "exactly. "

it's an unwritten rule
of etiquette, george.

- Who says so?
- No one knows.

That's why it's unwritten.
You do not blow your nose

into a cloth napkin in a restaurant.

why? They wash it.

It's just not done in polite society.

It's not done in impolite society.

Even the impolite don't do it.

The other day you sneezed into a napkin.

- That's different.
- How?

A sneeze is involuntary.

You have 2.5 seconds
before that bomb goes off.

Well, I live by my rules.
I don't live by your rules.

- Did you do this in front of your wife?
- All the time.

Can't figure out why she left you.

-
- yeah?

- it's elaine.
- come on up.

Hey, george.

Did you see this?

- It's an article about bernie madoff.
- Kramer.

Look at this. They got the
floor plan to all his offices.

- Here's where he was.
- Kramer, he doesn't want...

You couldn't get to him.
It was a ponzi scheme.

All right, do I need to hear this?

I know what happened.

So what's the big deal? You
lost a couple of million.

It was more than a couple.

Well, it was more than a great idea.

An iphone application that
leads you via your g.p.s.

To the nearest acceptable toilet

wherever you are in the world.

The itoilet.

And I thought of it.

That was one killer app.

Why'd you have to give it
all to that crook madoff?

I don't know.

How could you be so
fiscally irresponsible?

All of it, jerry. All of it.

- Madoff?
- Madoff!

Well, I'll never meet anyone else again.

Probably not.

- Meeting is hard.
- Meeting is hard.

- Why can't you meet?
- Can't meet. Why is that?

This is what single people are thinking
about the minute they wake up in the morning.

And yet we're surrounded by people.

They're right next to us
on the bus, on the street.

- But we can't meet them.
- Why won't they meet us?

Because strangers have a bad reputation.

A few bad strangers that
ruined it for the rest of us.

It's unfortunate.

Oh, amanda.

- She was so easy to talk to.
- Mmm.

Her like will never come this way again.

Oh, here she comes now.

Oh!

- george.
- hey.

how are you?

Pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty good.

- well, you look good.
- i am good.

- I'm good too.
- Jerry's good.

- Yeah.
- Good.

Jerry: why don't you take a
seat? just having some coffee.

okay.

So, what brings you here?

I'm meeting someone.

Dating?

Just sex.

She is easy to talk to.

what's going on? Virginia's...

- Doing the show.
- Virginia's doing the show.

I know.

I quit.

You quit?

Well, you know,
virginia's neck got better.

She should have had the
part. She was originally cast.

And I got in a big fight with jason.

- You got in a fight with jason?
- Yeah, big fight.

- What did you fight about?
- I called his book a pamphlet.

You called his book a pamphlet?

- It's so thin.
- It is, it's very thin.

It's not a book. I know it's not a book.

No, it's not a book.

And then, I don't
know, after you left...

It just, I don't know.

- Wasn't the same?
- It wasn't the same.

I'm watching the show. Come on in.

- I got you a coffee.
- You did?

- Yeah, it's a mocha joe.
- Mocha joe?

Yeah.

Hey, you know what?

I have to call my mother in florida

and tell her we're back together.

This could be the news
that finally kills her.

Because of the shock or
because she doesn't like me?

i'm fine either way.

What do I say if she asks me why?

Tell her that sometimes you
have to be away from something

to really appreciate it.

That's how I feel about cuban food.

When I'm eating it I
don't really like it.

When I'm away for a
little while I Miss it.

- Well, they're back.
- Who?

George and amanda are
getting back together.

- Get out.
- That's recidivism.

It's the same thing I saw last
night on "prison lockdown."

George couldn't make it on the outside.

He doesn't have the tools.

Hey, thanks for getting
that doll for isabelle.

- Was she happy with it?
- Yeah, she liked it.

Did she comment on the fact
that her doll is now black?

Didn't say a word except,

"tell daddy thank you."

Daddy.

- Hey!
- Hey!

- It's exciting.
- Well done. Well done.

- What?
- What's wrong?

I'll tell you what's wrong.

She wants me to sign a pre-nup.

Oh, so in case it doesn't work out

you can't get to the money
that was yours to begin with.

See, that's another ponzi scheme.

So, george, are you
marrying her for your money?

- None of your business, elaine.

all; no!

- Oh, yeah.
- That was so good.

- That was great.
- That was really good.

It was really... Yeah.

And you know what?

That ending was so much better
than the one that I wrote,

- I have to say.
- It was.

Yeah, because they belong together.

Really?

Don't you think?

Are you sure?

I'm absolutely positive.

hmm.

Oh, sorry about that.

A ring stain?

I have a bad habit of just
putting my drink down on the table.

A bad habit? You just put
your drink down on the wood.

Look at that stain you
made. This is a new table.

Well, we'll just sand
it off or something.

Do you respect wood?

I... Guess so.

You guess so?

You don't know if you respect wood?

I never thought about it before.

I guess I do.

Oh my god.

You had a cup like
that at julia's party.

You were standing right by that table.

You left the ring
stain on julia's table.

She blamed me the whole
time, but it was you.

- You left the stain.
- Okay.

Well, it's no big deal.

You're right.

You're right, it is no big deal.

Having said that,

I would love for you to
call julia and tell her

- that you left the ring stain.
- I'm not calling julia.

Yeah, just tell her
that you were the one

who left the stain on the antique table.

- Hold it one second.
- I'm not gonna do that.

- Yeah, come on.
- I'm not doing that.

- I want you to talk to her.
- I don't want to talk to her.

- Just here, hold it.
- No, please.

- Larry.
- Hey, jules.