Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 7, Episode 9 - The Table Read - full transcript

Rehearsals for the Seinfeld reunion show get complicated when Larry's text message exchange with a 9 year old Seinfeld fan lands him in trouble with the local authorities. Meanwhile, Leon tries to fool Michael Richards.

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- Unbelievable, right?
- Is this insane?

Larry, it's exactly the same.

Exactly the same.

I mean... my gosh.

It's like going back in time or...

...never leaving the past or something.

- Right... Yeah!
- It is

So you and Cheryl are back
together or what's happenning there?

No... no, it's strictly professional.

Oh, wow. I had no...

...you know, idea that
she was an actress.



Yeah, she acts.

It's great.

What has she done?

You know...

I don't know, she's done
some stuff, I'm not sure.

I don't know exactly.

- We should get started.
- Okay, yeah. Let's do it.

Hey, Larry.

I want you to meet my daughter, Emma.

- Say hi to Larry.
- Hi, I'm Emma.

- Hi Emma, nice to meet you.
- Nice to met you.

How come you don't have
red hair like your mum?

My dad is blonde.

- Do you want to give him a hug?
- Yes, sure.



She's been dying to meet you.

Allright, nice to meet you.

Go get someting to eat, okay
sweetie, I'll see you in a minute.

- Oh boy, what a sweetheart.
- Thank you...

...that was really sweet of you.

Yes, sure.

We should get this thing going soon.

Listen, I might be a few minutes
late getting back from lunch so...

...I have to take Emma to the doctor.

Really?

- Is she okay?
- She just has a rash on her pussy.

I'm gonna get the
table read started, okay?.

Good luck.

Look at you, this is very
strong, this is good stuff.

- You like it?
- You done very good.

I'm thrilled, thrilled!

And the stuff with...

What are you calling her, Cheryl?
Is that the character's name, Cheryl?

- No, Amanda.
- Amanda.

I got confused 'cos on the
chair it says Cheryl David.

Well, it says Jason Alexander
doesn't say George Costanza.

I understand, yeah.

I'm just surprised, I
didn't realize Cheryl was...

...was gonna do the role.

Well, I don't know, she auditioned.

Did she really? I wish I'd seen that.

And she was the best.

Really? Well, that's good.

Who was the next best?

Don't know.

Don't remember.

I thought we were gonna
stay and dialogue it.

I would've stay and dialogue,
had you called me to dialogue.

- I was supposed to...?
- I was supposed to call?

You're the executive producer.

- And the executive producer...
- A minion, I'm just a minion...

Right, and generally the executive
producer doesn't call the "minion".

The "minion" would call
the executive producer.

- I made a mistake.
- You reversed it.

- I did, look what I did.

Fortunately, it all
worked out for the best.

- Allright
- Allright

- Let's light this rocket.
- Okay.

Let's send it out.

Oh, and speaking of which,
do you have a pen or a pencil?

I want just to take a few notes.

- Very nice! Look at this!
- Don't, don't...

You return it.

No, I'm gonna keep it. Of
course I'm gonna return it.

What's the matter?

I just got a call from my doctor,
and he thinks that I might have...

...Groat's disease.

So, I don't know how can I be funny.

Hey, you know what?

Don't worry about it. Honest to God.

I know this accountant, Danny
Duberstein, he had Groat's disease...

...and he's completely fine.

- You're not just saying this...
- I'm not just saying.

You know what? I'll have
him call you, how 'bout that?

- This is hard to concentrate.
- I understand.

Listen, you're gonna be fine.
I'll have Duberstein call you.

- Allright, great.
- Okay?

L.D.! Big day!

- What are you doing here?
- I'm here for support.

I don't need support.
This is not a social event.

You can't just show up like that.

What are you so upset about?

You're not...

You're not allowed to be here, the only
people from the show is supposed to be here.

Jerry sees you... He's gonna throw
you away. He's not gonna want you here

- Why don't you ask him?
- I don't need to ask him.

Ask him! If he tells me to go, I'll go.

This friend of mine showed up...

...I didn't invite him,
he shouldn't be here.

I don't care, doesn't bother me.

But he's not supposed to... We don't
let outsiders in for a read through.

- He's not supposed to be here.
- He's a friend of yours, right?

Yeah, but I didn't invite to the
read through, and we have a policy...

- Policy? What kind of policy?
- We have a policy.

- I never saw a policy.
- It's an unwritten policy...

- Oh, the unwritten policy.
- Yeah.

- I don't wanna stay on the way.
- No, you don't stand on the way.

- I couldn't.
- Do it, stand on the way!

- I would feel horrible.
- No, don't.

- Jerry, Marty Funkhouser.
- Hey, Marty.

- How you doin'?
- Good.

Wanna hear a joke?

He doesn't want to hear a
joke, we got a read through.

Let me just get right through it.

A woman is very afraid of
the size of her opening.

- What is she afraid of?
- The size of her opening.

So she calls to her mother and she says: "What
am I going to do? I'm so big down there...

...when I marry Harry,
he's gonna divorce me".

Her mother says: "Don't worry,
sweetheart, it runs in the family...

Do what I did when I married
your father, go to the market,...

...get some raw liver, put it in
there, he'll never know the difference".

So she does. They have eight
hours of sex after their marriage.

She wakes up at ten o'clock, he's
gone but there's a note on her pillow.

It says: "My darling Harriet...

...to think that I waited to you to
consumate our loving relationship...

...makes my heart beat so loud,
I'm surprised I didn't wake you up.

The only reason I'm not here now,
darling, is I'm going to work...

...to make enough money to buy
you a house, a picket fence...

...we'll have dogs and children".

- This is not so bad.
- Oh yes, this is great. Will you finish the fucking joke already?

"When the five o'clock
diddlebow rings...

...I'll be at home like the winged
gossamer of your love in your arms,...

- ...your loving husband, Harry".
- Aw, that's nice.

"PS: Your cunt is in the sink".

Okay, you told the joke, let's go.

- How good is that?
- You surprised me.

I had no idea it would
be that revolting.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please hold the work,...

...let's take our places
for the table read.

Okay, let sit us at the table.

Go sit in the bleacher.

- Great meeting you
- Nice meeting you too.

- Big fan.
- Thank you.

 I like that guy.

He's crazy.

Hey.

- I'm so nervous.
- What?

Don't worry. You're going to be great.

It's nothing. Come on.

Look how many people are here.

Just... Just do it. You got it.

Cheryl: okay.

Okay, folks, please settle in.

We're looking at the reunion,"

written by Larry david
and Jerry seinfeld.

Larry: yeah, give it up.

Scene a opens in Jerry's
apartment. Jerry and George.

- It's unwritten etiquette, George.
- Who says so?

No one knows. That's why it's unwritten.

You don't blow your nose in a
cloth napkin in a restaurant.

why? They wash it.

It's just not done in polite society.

It's not done in impolite society.

- Even the impolite don't do it.

- The other day you sneezed in a napkin.
- That's different.

- Why?
- A sneeze is involuntary.

You have 2.5 seconds
before the bomb goes off.

Jason: well, I live by
my rules, not your rules.

- You would do this in front of your wife?
- All the time.

I can't figure out why she left you.

man: buzz.

- It's me.
- Oop.

Man: Kramer enters holding a newspaper.

Hey, George, did you see this?

It's an article about bernie Madoff.

- Kramer, I...
- no, look at this.

They got the floor
plan of all his offices.

- Here's where he was.
- Kramer, he... He doesn't...

No, you couldn't get to him.

It was a ponzi scheme.

Do I need this? I know what happened.

All right, so you lost
a couple of million.

It was more than a couple.

Well, it was more than a great idea.

An iphone application
that leads you via your gps

to the nearest acceptable toilet

wherever you are in the world.

The itoilet. And I thought of it.

Why'd you have to give
that crook Madoff all of it?

- I don't know.
- How could you be so stupid?!

all of it, Jerry.

- All of it.
- Man: Elaine enters.

- Madoff?

scene b, we're in Jerry's
apartment. It's later.

Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer.

Jerr, can you do me a
favor and babysit tonight?

Jerry: oh, I don't think so.

- Michael: hey, why don't you ask me?
- Julia: um...

I figured you were busy.

Michael: no, I'm good with
kids. I don't condescend to them.

I get right down to their level.

- right down.
- You don't say.

Oh, I do say.

Jerry, hey, did you give
isabel's doll a haircut?

- The judy doll?
- Yes, judy.

- A little trim.
- Well, now you got to find a new judy.

Children need consistency.

I can make that happen.

I think uncle Jerry should do it,

which is what she's
calling you, by the way.

- I'm not sure how I feel about that.
- Why?

Well, because I donated the sperm.

I offered.

I would have bought you a new house.

That's easy to say now

after you lost everything.

- I was planning on it.
- Ah, you're full of crap.

Hey, Jerry, this economy
is really hitting me.

It's all dried up out there.

It's dry, Jerry, dry as a bone.

You weren't working in the good economy.

Yeah, I guess that's true.

Man: okay, please go to scene
h. It's in the coffee shop.

This is day 4. George, Amanda.

I've been dreading having to...

Tell you about the whole Madoff thing.

- Oh, well.
- You must hate me for losing our money like that.

We're... We're wiped out.

Actually, i'm fine, George.

- Fine?
- Yeah, I took my half out of Madoff

right after we got divorced.

- You what?
- Yeah, I still have my half.

W
- why did you take it out?

I bumped into Madoff
on the street one day

and he was wearing this quilted
jacket with the collar up,

and for some reason it creeped me out.

So the next day, i
pulled all my money out.

Turns out I did quite well by him.

Collar up?

Creeped you out? That's my money!

You have my money!

Not according to the laws
of the state of new york.

- Julia: what's wrong?
- Jason: what's wrong? What's wrong?

I'll tell you what's wrong.

She asked me to sign a prenup.

So in case it doesn't work out,

you won't be able to get to the money

that was yours to begin with?

michael: well, that's
another ponzi scheme.

So, George, are you
marrying her for your money?

no.

no.

And it's none of your business, Elaine.

George takes out a napkin
and brings it to his nose.

- Cast: no!
- As they reach for George,

the shot freezes and we fade out.

- Yay.
- Very nice. Nice!

Please take five.

We're in Jerry's apartment in five.

- Great great. Really great.
- Yeah.

The way...

...it was right there.

- What did you think?
- Oh, I loved it.

- It was fantastic.
- I'm glad you were here to see it.

- Well, have fun. I will talk to you later.
- Okay.

- Thank you.
- Sure.

So let's go over some stuff in
the office, a couple little spots?

- Sure.
- Okay.

Eh, you know what? Great.

- Really great. Really great.
- Really?

Yeah. Thank you very much, by the way.

I appreciate the loan of your pen.

You know what? You keep it.

I don't want the pen.

Yeah. No, you... You keep it.

I don't want the pen. I just needed
to borrow it for a couple of minutes.

- No, I-I don't want it. -
What's wrong with the pen?

I was watching you
during the read-through.

The pen was in your mouth,
the pen was in your ear...

In my ear? What are you talking about?

It was in every orifice of your body.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

I had the pen up my ass
while doing the read-through?

- Except for the ass.
- It's been tainted?

- It's been tainted, exactly.
- I see, I see.

- What can I do for you?
- I'll tell you what you can do.

I'm here to serve you. What can I do?

Why don't you get me a new
pen? That would be nice.

That's the fair thing to do,

the nice thing to do,
the right thing to do.

- Will you do that for me?
- For you, anything.

- Thank you.
- My pleasure.

Wow, this place is packed.

- monsieur david!
- Hello.

- Wonderful to see you.
- Good to see you.

Two for lunch? oul? just follow me.

- I have for you here the best waiter in the house.
- Thank you.

- You will have a lovely meal.
- Thank you.

- bon app?tit.
- Thank you very much.

- Absolutely.
- Okay.

Best waiter? A table right away?

What the hell's going on?

- I greased him.
- How much did you give him?

- 20 bucks.
- 20 bucks.

I give it to him all the time.

- Same thing every time.

what's this?

- Well, this is kind of odd.
- What?

Stacy's daughter just sent me a text.

"got your info from my
mom. Nice meeting you.

Did you have fun at the table read?"

you got a new little pen pal.

I guess I have to answer her.
She asked me a question, right?

You don't have to. It's a little kid.

Just say, "hey, went great, thanks."

"went great, thanks."

You know, I'm going to...

Oh, michael is very concerned
that he has groat's disease.

He thinks he might have groat's disease?

Yeah, and I told him
that I'd hook him up

with Funkhouser's
friend Danny Duberstein.

- Yeah, Danny Duberstein.
- Do you know how to get in touch with him?

Nobody can get in touch with him.

He died like two months ago.

Duberstein died?

Mm-hmm, of groat's disease.

Jesus. What the hell am
I going to tell michael?

I don't know.

What did you think of that Kramer thing

with the latch for the
toilet, the itoilet?

- Was that funny?
- Well...

I don't remember if that worked or not.

What about Julia and
the kid with the present?

It kind of worked. no?

Did you hear any of the jokes?

Where was your mind at?

I loaned jason my pen

and I got very distracted

because he kept taking the pen...

First he was scratching
his back with it.

Scratching a back is no big deal.

Well, then putting it in
his mouth, then his ear...

- Now you're talking about...
- The whole thing was disgusting.

You don't loan jason anything,

anything that can be inserted.

Anyway, I'm sorry, but I got...

I got a little distracted,
so I wasn't on every joke.

You know, I like to keep
my pens in a barbicide.

- That blue liquid that the barbers have?
- In the barber shop.

I haven't really figured
out what barbicide was.

- They kill themselves with it.
- Is that where they can't take being a barber anymore...

... And they just down that blue liquid

and that's it, they commit barbicide?

- It's unbelievable.
- What?

Stacy's daughter Emma. Did you meet her?

Yeah yeah, that cute
girl. She's so cute.

- She's texting me now. She started texting me.
- Oh, that's cute.

- She texted me yesterday, okay?
- Aw, she likes you.

Come on, who needs this?
She's getting on my nerves.

How do I end this thing?
This is never going to end.

No, it will never end.
That's why I don't have one.

Once you have it, the door's open.

Somebody knocks on your
door, you have to answer it.

- Great. - now you have a new
friend, a nine-year-old friend.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Larry... Oh hi, Jerry. Listen,
I really think we're going to need

a fourth camera for the exteriors.

Is that okay with you?
does that sound good?

- yeah.
- Stacy: thank you.

Okay, I'll get right on it.

You know, Emma's been texting me.

- I know!
- She's so cute.

- Stacy: I know, it's cute!
- so cute, yeah.

How'd that happen?

Was that her idea, your idea?

yeah, it was her idea. I mean, yeah.

Then you guys met at the table
read and I gave her your number...

- You gave her the
number? - Mm-hmm.

You know, when you're a kid and
you like can relate to a grown-up,

- it's a really exciting...
- Stacy: it's such a big deal.

- It is cute.
- Jerry: someone to communicate with.

Maybe you should give her Jerry's.

Maybe if she meets Jerry, but
she really bonded with you.

Yeah, she seemed to respond to you.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- Stacy: yeah.
- It just takes a second.

- Hmm.
- Cool. All right.

- Jerry: all right.
- How's her...

How's her pussy, by the way?

Stacy: it's good,
actually. It's not as itchy.

- So thank you for asking.
- Oh, cool.

Yeah, all right, I'm going
to get on the camera thing.

All right. Come on,
let's do some work here.

Let's look at...

oh, forgot to tell her we
cut the restaurant scene.

- Jerry: all right.
- I'll follow you.

- Okay, so I'll go to the fridge on this.
- Yeah yeah.

- I'm not ready, Elaine.
- Come on, Jerry, you have to.

We had a deal.

When you came to me, you
said, "I need a donation."

And I gave, and that was hard work.

Elaine: so what are you going to
be, uncle Jerry your whole life?

I just think it would be nice
if she knew who her father was.

Clark kent didn't know who
his father was till he was 16

and he turned out pretty good.

Jerry, his planet was destroyed.

I think I continue.

He was fortunate to
discover the crystals

in the fortress of solitude.

Isabel's not going to
have any of those crystals.

You know about the crystals?

Of course I know about the crystals.

door.

- hello, newman.
- Hello, Jerry.

I wonder if you would
tell your friend George

that on my route I had occasion to use

one of his so-called itoilets.

- I found it anything but acceptable.
- Oh, really?

Well, I'm afraid in that
particular scenario my sympathies...

now I'm going to close the door on you.

- How am I going to do that?
- I'll get out.

- Do it. I want to hear that line.
- Okay.

- Ok...
- I'm watching the show from here.

All right, you watch the show.
We'll do it for you, okay?

- Action.
- Wayne: I found it anything but acceptable.

Oh, really?

Well, I'm afraid in
that particular scenario,

my sympathies lie only with the toilet.

Good day.

- are you Kramer?
- No.

Oh, hey, Kramer...

- Are you
monena? - Mm-hmm.

I'm going to the ballgame.

I take monena with me, I
can use the carpool lane.

I see.

Michael: should she come in more?

Well, I think you... You're a hooker.

You should just go in
and make yourself at home.

- Okay, take charge.
- And I could follow her.

- Right, you follow her in.
- Are you good?

Okay, guys, take five.
That's a tight five.

We're back in Jerry's apartment.

Hey, Larry, did you call Duberstein?

Oh, um...

- Well, I left a message...
- Yeah?

...and, you know,

i'm just waiting for
him to call me back.

How long ago did you leave the message?

- Yesterday.
- Yesterday?

- Yeah.
- I don't want to push you on this,

but I can hardly think out here.

You know what the doctor said to me?

I'm supposed to stand
by for the symptoms.

Am I going to stand by in front
of the camera with the symptoms?

- I understand. I'll...
- So you going to call him?

- Yes.
- Okay. Hi.

- Hey.
- Yeah, you guys...

Oh, good. I, um...

I'm having a bit of a problem

just trying to find a tone.

They have a cadence.

Like, "yeah, I still have my half."

You don't need a cadence. Just
be yourself. You're doing great.

Don't feel the seinfeldian pressure.

I don't want you to sound like them.

I want you to sound like
you. I wrote it for you.

- Thank you.
- You're doing great.

I feel like you're my only...

- You know...
- Yeah.

- ... You're on my side. You know what I mean?
- I am on your side.

- Good morning. Good morning.
- Hi.

- Hey.
- Hi, how are you?

- Don't mean to interrupt.
- No, go ahead. We'll talk later.

- Hope I didn't...
- No no, it's okay.

- Okay. Good morning.
- Hey.

- Mission accomplished.
- What is this?

- A pen.
- Yes, it is a pen.

- You're right about that.
- Yes, I am, sir.

It's not the pen I gave you.

This is not replacing the pen.

This is just giving me another pen.

You didn't say, "get the same pen."

You said, "you need to replace the pen."

It's not an eye for a lesser eye, okay?

It's an eye for an eye,

not an eye that doesn't see very well.

Using your metaphor, no no.

They both see exactly the same.

That pen that I have in my possession

- writes in blue ink.
- Uh-huh.

This pen writes in blue ink

exactly the same. It's the same eye.

This pen is almost
blind compared to my pen.

No, believe me. It sees the truth.

It's not the pen I gave you.

You asked me to replace the pen.

- You didn't replace the pen.
- I replaced it.

- You didn't replace it.
- You got a pen.

- No replacement.
- That's your pen.

I'm going to get a coffee.

Anyway, I screwed the whole thing up.

Michael thinks that
Duberstein beat groat's

and he's expecting to meet him,

and Duberstein's dead
and I was thinking...

- Fucking say it.
- Oh, jesus.

- What the fuck you thinking about?
- Well, I had an insane idea

that you could present
yourself as Duberstein somehow

and get... Just meet
him for two minutes.

And I'd be there too, so you
wouldn't even have to talk.

What, you think I
can't do this shit, huh?

I'll white that shit up.
I'll white that whole shit up.

- That whole fucking scene will be whitened the fuck up.
- Seriously?

You've seen a fucking black
dude who acts fucking white.

- He around too many fucking white people and shit.
- You can be that guy?

- I'll do this shit.
- Let me hear it.

"how are you doing today?
I'm Danny Duberstein.

I heard you have groat's
disease." see that shit?

Well, what about the name? Duberstein?

- It's a jewish name.
- Fuck it.

- Tell him I'm a ethiopian jew.
- You know what?

You could tell him you were adopted

by the jewish family... The Dubersteins.

- I was fucking adopted...
- You got bar mitzvahed.

"bar mitzfit" and all that shit, yeah.

- Say that again?
- "Bar mitzfit."

- It's not "bar mitzfit."
- "Bar mitzfit."

- Bar mitzvahed.
- "Bar mitzfit."

"vahed"! Bar mitzvahed.

If we're gonna do this, you'd
better learn how to pronounce this.

"bar mitzfit."

- Yeah.
- Oh, christ.

Another text from her.
Can you believe it?

I got this nine-year-old,
and she keeps texting me.

"Is Jerry as funny in real
life as on tv?" unbelievable.

"yes, Jerry is very funny."

I'm telling you, it never ends with her.

All right, I'm going to get this.

- What are you doing? You going to get that?
- Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Monsieur david. How are you?

- Great.
- Wonderful to see you.

- ? bient?t.
- Okay.

Oh my god!

- Yeah.
- Hey! What?!

- What happened?
- He took...

He took my $20. Are you kidding?

He took your fucking
money out your hand?

What did he think? I was tipping him?

Is he insane?

"do you watch 'wizards
of waverly place'"?

All right, that's it. That's it.

"no, I don't watch
'wizards of waverly place.'"

why would you do that, Larry?

- What?
- What were you thinking?

- Wh-what are you talking about?
- Why did you yell at Emma?

- Yell? I didn't yell at Emma.
- Yes, you did.

You texted her with all caps
and a lot of exclamations points.

- No no, that's not yelling.
- Yes, it is!

No, I was being emphatic.
I wasn't yelling.

What were you thinking?

I was thinking maybe I can
get her to stop texting me.

Larry, I need you to
make this right, okay?

Okay, i'll make it right.

- Great.
- All right, okay.

We're going to lunch at 1:00.

I want you to be there, pretend
like it was your idea, okay?

I think it would be really nice
if you took her out to lunch.

- You'll bring her a little present.
- We have to go to lunch?

- Yeah, 1:00 lunch, okay?
- Couldn't we have a little snack upstairs?

- Some milk and cookies or something?
- thank you, I appreciate it.

Waiter: monsieur david,
how many with you for lunch?

- three.
- Right this way.

You look wonderful. Very fit.

- Are you on a regime?
- Oh no, I just kind of watch it, you know.

Always wonderful. Bon app?tit.

Thank you, thank you.

- Have a good meal.
- Okay.

And, um, I hope you enjoy everything.

If you need anything, call me.

Monsieur david...

Are you unhappy with the table?

Okay, I see your problem here.

Yesterday at the newsstand,

you took $20 out of my hand.

Mais non, you gave it to me.

- Gave it to you?
- oul.

why... Why would I give you $20?

I assumed it for the other day...

The wonderful service, the dinner.

I already paid you for that service.

Well, what were you giving it to me for?

- I wasn't giving it to you.
- Why else would I have it?

What was the $20 doing in my hand?

- You think I was waiting for
you to come? - I-I have no idea.

Because I was using it to pay for a
magazine. Can't you understand that?

That money that you took out of my hands

is the money that I would have
put into your hands right now

if not for the fact that you took
it, so let's consider us even.

I gave you $20 yesterday
and you're not getting

another penny out of me, okay?

Fine. Bon app?tit.

Oh, hey. hi.

- Hello, Larry.
- Hi.

Okay, first of all...

I just want to apologize for the...

For the text I sent you

with all the capital letters,

the bad bad caps.

- You don't seem sorry.
- Well, I said I was sorry.

Just because you say it
doesn't mean you mean it.

Maybe we should get something to eat.

Excuse me, can we get some menus?

Larry, do you remember
when you were a little boy?

- No.
- Emma: if you can remember.

- No, I don't.
- Stacy: you probably don't.

Hey, excuse me. Excuse me.

S
- sir?

Obviously they're
ignoring me on purpose.

- Well, I can't imagine why.
- I know why.

- Really?
- Yeah, I know why.

why?

Excuse me, could you please
get us some menus over here?

This little girl, she's got
an appointment with the doctor.

She's got a rash on her pussy.

She needs to get out of here.

oh my god. Look, I made a mistake.

It's been three years.
Don't hurt me, please.

Oh no no no no. I'm
Danny Duberstein, CPA.

- You're Duberstein?
- I'm Danny Duberstein.

Come in, I want to talk to you.

Is Larry here yet?
I'm waiting for Larry.

No, I got to talk to you.
This is very important.

Larry said he'd be here at 2:00.

- Stop looking at your watch.
- No, I have to be out of here by 2:00.

Is there anything else
that Larry could do?

Something that Emma likes? Presents?

You know what?

I heard somebody wants to be a writer.

- Stacy: aw, you remembered!
- what do you write with?

- A pen!
- A pen.

Somebody gave this to me,
and I'm giving it to you.

- Stacy: it's a nice pen.
- It's a beautiful pen.

- Huh?
- Yeah, I forgive you.

- Yeah? Oh, yay!
- yay!

give him a hug and some sugar.

Yay, Larry, that was thoughtful.

- Okay.
- Aw.

I love it. Okay.

Michael: so "Duberstein"...

- that's a jewish name, right?
- Yes, it is.

I was adopted by some lovely jews.

- And you were bar mitzvahed?
- Oh, yeah yeah. Three times.

The last time was a few
months ago in atlantic city.

But I thought you only
got bar mitzvahed once.

You know, when you're 13 years old?

- No no no no, you misunderstood.
- What?

It's once every 13 years, you know.

You got to recharge the mitzvah,

so you always keep your mitzvah
kind of full, at capacity.

"capacitme... " mitzvah capacity.

I don't know.

- So tell me about the groat's.

Well, everything I ate
tasted like peaches.

And I forgot how to multiply.

I could subtract, but
I couldn't multiply.

If I'm fucking six women

three times a day, seven days a week,

how many times per week am I fucking?

Was it 10? Was it 130?

Was it 16? I was tripping out.

That's some weird stuff, man.

Pssh, you're telling me.

Danny Duberstein's good at two things:

that's math and fucking.

But how did you beat the groat's?

You know what?

This hat.

This hat saved my life.

Tell... Tell me about the hat.

Look who the fuck shows
up. What happened?!

I'm so sorry. I got held up.

You missed the whole fucking show.

I'm in that fucking room
busting my ass for you.

What's with these suits?
You look like farrakhan.

Look, I was trying to fuck this muslim
girl. I had to join up for a month.

Accountants don't look like this.

This the whitest shit I got right here.

What... What happened?

What the fuck you
think happened in there?

I went in that room and
whited that shit the fuck up.

I had that fucking dude rolling with me.

I don't know what the
fuck a groat's disease is,

but I'm going to that
man in that room...

That goofy motherfucking man in
that room will survive that shit.

- You better believe it.
- And he bought it?

Let me tell you how
fucking well he bought it.

He's going to give me
$200,000 to invest for his ass.

I Danny Dubersteined the fuck
out that man in that room.

Fucking viola. uh!

- You know what I mean?
- Good man. I got a rehearsal.

- Let's go.
- Good job.

Elaine, clark kent didn't know

who his real father was until he was 16,

and I think he turned out okay.

Jerry, his planet was destroyed.

Who are these two right here?

That's Jerry seinfeld
and Julia louis-dreyfus.

Oh, man.

So Jerry tapping that ass, huh?

What is it? You never saw the show?

You never watched it?

- Hello, newman.
- Hello, Jerry.

Who is this little fat bastard?

Now that little motherfucker look funny.

...so-called itoilets.

Christ, I'm itching all over.

Hope I didn't catch
anything from that Emma.

Don't get that shit on me, man.

- Are you Kramer?
- No, actually...

Hey, are you monena?

You know it.

- What's going on, Kramer?
- I'm going to the ballgame.

I take monena with me, I
can use the carpool lane.

Why... What the fuck is that hat?

It's my hat.

- Yours?
- No, it's my lucky hat.

You can't wear that in the scene.

Oh, yes I can. I must.

- What's with the hat? Why's he wearing that hat?
- That's my hat.

I told him to wear the
hat to combat the groat's.

What did you say to him?

I told him, "you take that
hat off, you will die."

That's what I told him.

See you at the house, man.

Nobody remembers a guy with
a dinner roll on his head.

They remember Kramer with
the hair that goes up.

This is the look i'm going with, so...

...that's it.

Jerry: I would say, in fact...

- oh my god.
- Is this great?

What? Again? Why are you here?

What... I don't understand
this. Why do you keep...

Jerry told me I could
come whenever I want.

- Jerry said that to you?
- Yes.

Oh, this is mrs. Duberstein.

- this is Larry david.
- Hello.

It is an honor to meet you.

Marty: she memorized all the shows.

- she loves "seinfeld."
- I am a huge fan.

- Hi.
- Look at this. Kramer.

- Mrs. Duberstein?
- Yes.

- I'm michael richards.
- Hi.

I just saw your husband
about 20 minutes ago.

Oh, I think you must be mistaken.

My husband has been dead for two months.

- What?
- Groat's disease.

Yeah, it was a long, painful death.

Larry! Larry!

Larry!

I know I may look clean
and dapper right now.

Bet the suit threw you, baby.

- I ain't shittin'.
- Michael: hey, Duberstein!

yeah yeah, i'm talking to you.

What kind of lowlife are you?

- What kind of asshole are you?
- Whoa whoa whoa.

Okay okay, let's just calm down now.

We're getting ourself all
worked up for no reason, baby.

No, don't "baby" me. Don't calm me down.

I'm so pissed off, I could
put this hat up your ass.

- Leon: let's relax here.
- what's this bullshit with the hat?

- leon: put the hat back on your head.
- you made a chump out of me!

- no no no no!
- if only there were a...

A horrible name that I could call you

that would make you as angry as I am!

Wha...

You... Ahh!

Man: so what seems to
be the problem here?

- you know, I've got this rash.
- Okay.

First it was on my back,
now my neck and my arm.

Now it's on my hands and fingers.

- Yeah, I can see that right there.
- Yeah, look at that.

Do you have any idea how you
may have gotten this rash?

The only thing I can think of

is I've been seeing
this nine-year-old girl,

and she kind of has a rash on her pussy.

Um...

You know, I took her
to lunch the other day

and we had a fight and we
made up and we hugged, so...

It must... it's got to be her.

one second.

Yeah, that's her now.

- Yeah.
- She's so cute. We text all the time.

For a while we weren't,
but we're back on now, so...

We'll get you taken care of.

I have another patient to check on.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay, all right.

"don't tell your mother,

but I bought you another pen."

Call the police.