Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 6, Episode 3 - The Ida Funkhouser Roadside Memorial - full transcript

A sweaty $50 bill, a sample abuser, a roadside memorial, and a private school superintendent are all things that intimidate Larry while he tries to help Marty Funkhauser cope with the ...

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Did you call Funkhouser?

No, I'll send
a card or something.

That's terrible, what happened
to his mother.

I know.

I mean, driving a wheelchair,
getting hit by a car?

- That's unbelievable.
- Wasn't a surprise.

- No, it was not a surprise.
- Completely reckless in that thing.

Wow. You know,
over on Sunset,

they got a memorial site
all set up for her.

- Really?
- Yep. Right where she got hit.

- Huh.
- All these flowers.



You know what?
He owes me $50 from golf.

That's $50 you're
never gonna see.

- Never! Never gonna see that 50.
- Never ever ever ever.

You can't ask
a mourner for $50.

- Huh.
- Uh-huh.

Well, I'm waiting.

Yeah, me too.

What are you
waiting for?

- What are you waiting for?
- I'm waiting for you

to offer me condolences
for Funkhouser's mother.

Yeah, that's what I'm
waiting for from you.

I am so much closer
with Marty than you are.

I've known him
so much longer.

However long you've known him
is irrelevant in this equation.



All right, listen,
I watered the plants.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Let's go get some ice cream.
- Oh, that's just what he needs.

- Just what he needs. Go! Enjoy yourself.
- That is a good idea!

- Enjoy yourselves.
- Thank you.

Oh, and Jeff! Don't forget,
we've got the interview later

for Sammy
to get into Dryden.

- Very important.
- I'm all good, don't worry about it.

What's with you?
When's your interview?

I think it's tomorrow.

It would be very nice
if Daryl and Keysha

went to the same school as Sammy.
Wouldn't that be nice?

How do you know
Sammy's getting in?

Sammy happens to be
a very very bright girl.

Yeah, well, Keysha and Daryl are
no slouches, either. I can tell you that.

- Well, good.
- Daryl knows the multiplication table.

Well, that's great, Larry,

but I wouldn't take so much credit,
because it's not your DNA.

I sit up at night
teaching it to 'em.

- Sammy knows multiplication and division.
- All right, shut up!

- That's it, let's go! Come on.
- Long division!

Let's go.
What the heck?

- I think I'll get Cheryl an ice cream.
- Very nice.

Yeah, well, on the days
I want sex I'm a lot nicer.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah, I'll be nice the whole day.

And then we'll have sex.

And then I'll just go back
to being the way I am.

- It's fascinating.
- And it works for you.

What is that banana thing?

I love these people
that come here,

they get 10 samples,
you know?

And it's not right for
the woman working back there.

She's got better things to do than
just scooping out samples for them.

They're all so good.

But what- what is this-
oh- choc- chocolate-

Look at this. People are waiting.
That's not right.

No, it's not.

You know, I shouldn't
be eating ice cream.

- No, you shouldn't.
- No, I really shouldn't.

I don't know
what I came here for.

I can't even be-
you mind if I go?

- If I stay here I'll have no self-control.
- Get out of here!

- All right, bye.
- Get out.

Can I try the ras- raspberry chocolate,
whatever that is?

Got a long wait.

Ooh, could I try the tiramisu?

It's good.
That's a good one.

That's a good one.
Get that. Get that.

- I think I will. Thank you.
- Yeah, get that.

And I think I'd like
to try the banana, please.

Banana!

It might taste like...

- let me guess, a banana?
- And some chocolate.

- I mean this is really rid- this is so rude.
- Just the plain chocolate.

You know, you're like a sample abuser.
That's what you are.

- What is the matter with you?
- You're abusing your sampling privileges.

- One- two samples, the most.
- What do you think they have spoons for?

- You can't go on sample after sample!
- Oh, yes, I can!

You know what? I'm just gonna
have the plain vanilla, please.

- Thank you.
- Oh! A decision's been made!

Oh, we got vanilla!

- Enjoy.
- Thank you.

Vanilla!
She winds up with vanilla.

You got to be kidding me.

How is the vanilla?

Hey! Funkhouser!

My God,
I can't believe it.

You're out?

- What are you- what are you doing?
- Well, uh...

this helps my emotions.

Jogging's the best
thing for me.

So, mourners-
mourners exercise?

- I didn't know that.
- I don't know if mourners exercise.

- It's just good for me.
- Interesting.

I'm gonna
remember that next time

I lose a close
member of my family.

Yeah. Jogging.

- Helps everything.
- By the way,

I called your house.
I left a condolence message.

I never got a return call.

Well, I had a few
things on my mind.

Yeah, still...

it's a little discourteous.

- Let me explain something to you.
- Sure.

I lost my dad a year ago.

My mother just died.

I'm an orphan, okay?

- You're a what?
- I'm an orphan.

- Orphan?
- Yeah, an orphan!

You're a little too old
to be an orphan.

No, if you don't have
parents you're an orphan.

You could be 70
and be an orphan?

You could be 100
and be an orphan!

- You can't be 100 and be an orphan.
- Yeah, you can!

Okay.
Little Orphan Funkhouser.

Let me ask you something-

One of the things that
bothers me a lot in life,

is when ice cream drips down the side
of a cone. Doesn't that bother you?

That's why you have to be very vigilant
when you're eating ice cream cones.

Look, there's a little drip.
Get it!

Oh, another drip!
Got it!

Are you coming
to the funeral?

Of course I'm coming
to the funeral.

Okay, I'm gonna give you the $50
I owe you for the golf bet.

- Oh my God!
- Hold this.

$50- I forgot all
about it, the $50.

- Yeah.
- Great!

- What are you doing?
- Taking off my shoe.

I got money in the shoe.

- What?!
- There you go.

Ugh!

- Take the $50!
- No, I don't want it.

- Take the $50!
- I'd really rather not.

- I don't want that 50 from your sweaty...
- Take the 50 bucks.

- disgusting sock and sneaker.
- This is the payoff.

That's- I don't want that 50.
Give me a clean 50.

- This is the 50 I have.
- I'm not touching that 50. I don't want it.

- Take the 50.
- No!

- Then I'm not paying you!
- What?

- I'm not paying you. This is the $50.
- You owe me $50!

- What if-
- This is $50!

It's perfectly fine.

See? $50.

- All right, this is bullshit.
- Take it.

Hold it out.
Hold it out, fold it up.

Fold it- that's it, okay.

Put it in my pocket.

Yeah, okay.
Put it in there.

Thank you.

- Hey, Cheryl.
- What's up, L.D.?

- Hey!
- What you got there?

- Ice cream.
- Ice cream?

Ooh! I love ice cream.
What flavor did you bring us?

Actually, uh...

I just kinda got it
for-

for Cheryl.

You just brought some
ice cream just for Cheryl?

You didn't bring none
to share with us?

Well, see, here's the thing.
I'm not really used to...

thinking about other
people other than Cheryl.

- Oh.
- So, it's not like I did it on purpose.

- Uh-huh.
- The thought didn't even enter my mind.

It's not like it entered my mind
and I thought "No, the hell with them. "

See the difference?
Sin of comission, omission.

That's a sin of omission,
much better than the comission.

I think it's an
omission/comission thing.

But you still
forgot about us.

So next time, just bring like
the family-order size...

- I will.
- ... that they got there.

- I will. I'm sorry, Loretta.
- That's all right.

- I forgive you.
- Thank you.

- Hey, Cheryl.
- Hey.

Hey.
Got you ice cream!

Did you just get in a fight
with someone at the ice cream shop?

Uh... yeah.

Yeah, well,
what happened?

Well, this woman was
taking a lot of samples-

- Let me just tell Loretta something.
- Yeah.

This woman that
he's talking about

is the Dean of Admissions
at Dryden School.

That nice school we was
trying to get the kids in?

Yeah. Now, there's a problem
with their application.

But how do you even
know about this?

Because I just got
a phone call, Larry.

- Ooh.
- Let me just say this, okay?

The woman was standing
in front of the counter

getting sample after sample.
She had 10 samples!

- You're allowed to do that.
- You're allowed to get free samples.

- No, you're not allowed-
- Yes, you are.

Why you think they get them
little, bitty, cute spoons there?

- I know why they got the cute spoons.
- So you can take-

Maybe one or two.
Don't abuse your sampling privilege!

She abused
the sampling privilege.

- And you know what else?
- What?

I was also watching out
for the counterwoman as well.

If she had a problem
with that woman,

don't you think she would say
"excuse me, ma'am"?

No no! 'Cause she's always
told the customer's right.

And in fact, the customer is usually
a moron and an asshole.

But you know something, Larry? You
should've mind your business on this one.

She was breaking the rules.
She wasn't following the rules of society.

- What rules?
- The unwritten rules

that we have as we
go about our day!

- Like what?
- Like at night, you tiptoe.

That's an unwritten rule.
You tiptoe so you don't wake people up.

You tiptoe.
There's no sign, "Tiptoe. "

You just have
to be smart enough

and considerate
enough to do it.

Okay, well, you know what? I'm glad
that you're so pleased with yourself

because now Keysha and Daryl
are not going to get

the education that
we were hoping they'd get.

That's a real good
school, Larry.

And we've been working
on that for so long.

- Good school.
- Courting that woman.

What you gonna do, L.D.?

I'll go and-
I'll go apologize.

That- that's nice.

You know what else?
I'll get her some flowers too.

That's a good start.
I'm down with that.

- That sounds good.
- You like the flower idea?

That's a good one.
'Cause I want them kids in that school.

I'm- I'm gonna
rectify it.

I'm a great rectifier.
That's what I do.

I break down,
I rectify.

Just say I'm sorry,

we love the school,
and- and leave.

You- you don't
need to tell me

how to apologize to people.

I've been apologizing to people
since I'm six years old

on a daily basis.
I pretty much have it down.

- So you got this?
- Is it always effective?

- Your apologies?
- Pretty effective.

Okay, go.

Hey hey, how about a thank you?
I bought you some ice cream.

Yeah, one scoop
for the whole house.

- Thank you, Larry.
- I'm nice!

I got you the ice cream!

There's no
acknowledgment of that?

Hey, Mr. David,
I finished up all the painting.

It's... well, 11:20 now,

I got here at 9:20, so...

that's a couple hours,
50 bucks.

I'm hoping you're
pleased with it now.

Umm, let me
ask you a question.

- Mm-hmm?
- I mean, I really don't care about it.

It doesn't make a difference to me
either way, but I'm just curious

because I know when I left you were
in the bathroom for about 20 minutes.

- I came back and you're in again.
- Yeah.

So I'm kinda be charged for what,
like a half hour of your toilet time?

Oh, no no no.

It's just kind of
all-inclusive.

Yeah, I don't really
punch a clock, right?

- You don't punch a clock, do you?
- I don't punch a clock.

I don't charge people for
going on the toilet, though.

- All right, but that's okay. Doesn't matter.
- Great, thank you.

- $50?
- I appreciate that.

- Whoa.
- There you go.

- What's that?
- It's $50.

Uh... you know...

You don't want it?

- No, I want money, but...
- Take it.

It's a good 50!

You don't want it?

No, I just don't know where
you dragged that thing out of.

I mean, you know, that's...

I- I think- do you
have any other money, or...

Fine.

Change...

I got, uh...

$45.90.

- $45.90?
- Yeah.

Or...

I can give you the 50.

No.

I'll take the $45.90.

Thank you.

Okay.

I'm gonna get these.

All right.
Those are 35.

Okay.

No.

Hey, Funkhouser.

Call me back. No one's taking this 50.
I can't get rid of it.

I'll be home in an hour.

As you know,
my wife and I

took in a homeless family
who were victims of Hurricane Edna.

And- and I was so anxious
to bring 'em the ice cream back

that perhaps I was a little
too impatient in the store with you.

And I- I'm-

completely apologize.
I'm so sorry, but...

- I was just thinking about those kids...
- Right.

...waiting for that ice cream
that they haven't had in months.

And when I got home,
finally, they said,

- "Daddy, what took"- they call me daddy.
- Oh, really?

- Yeah, it's really sweet.
- That's nice. That's very nice.

I really love being
called daddy.

I don't particularly
like children,

- that's why I don't really have any.
- Uh-huh.

- But I like being called daddy.
- Yes yes. I can see.

It's- I've never felt anything
like that before in my life.

"Daddy, Daddy!
You got the ice cream!"

- Uh-huh.
- "What took so long, Daddy?"

And I said,
"Well, you know,

I had a little incident
at the ice cream store.

But anyway, I'd love for you
to have these flowers

and accept my heartfelt
and humble apology.

Apology accepted.

- Mmm!
- Thank you so much.

- Oh, they smell wonderful.
- Aren't they beautiful?

Well, you know, it's just such
a rare thing for someone to come in

and just admit
right off the top,

I was at fault.
It was me, I was rude.

I was obnoxious,
I'm not such a great person.

It's just really refreshing.
It's really rare.

Saying all that,
I am a pretty good person.

- I did take in a homeless family.
- Yes.

Excuse me one moment.
Kelly!

Could you
come in for a sec?

- Anyway-
- Well, hold on.

We're gonna need
a vase for this.

- Ooh, ooh! Fabric samples!
- Fabric samples.

Fabric samples.
They're so beautiful.

- Mmm.
- What are you doing with the fabrics?

- Oh, I'm gonna redo this couch.
- Oh.

Is this the one I chose?

Uh, no, actually.
Wasn't that the one that you wanted?

Oh, yes, but now
I want this.

Yeah, she- she
doesn't know what to do.

- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you really liked the red tones.

I know.
I know, I did.

- I like the one you chose.
- The one I chose-

- I'll...
- I will see you tomorrow then, I guess.

- I'll see you tomorrow for our interview.
- Yeah, that's right.

Oh, God, see, there's this kind of
turquoise color in here.

- It's just-
- They're all nice.

- They're lovely.
- Yes, they are.

They are all nice,
that's the problem.

Yeah, that's what you need to do,
you need to pick one, see?

If only it were
that simple.

- Yeah. It is that simple, really.
- Yeah, but see the blue?

You want them all,
you can't have them all.

- I want them all.
- You got to kinda take one.

- I'll see you tomorrow.
- All right, okay.

- Oh, God, what do I do?
- Take it, pick it out.

You still want me
to take this one.

I'm home!

One for you
and one for you.

What?
L.D., this is nice.

My two favorite girls.
Come on, give it up.

Aw!

- So it went well?
- I broke it down...

- and I rectified.
- You rectified?

- See this hand?
- Uh-huh.

That's where she
just had some lunch.

- That's what I'm talking about.
- So the application is okay

- and everything's back on track?
- It's so on track.

- So on track.
- You couldn't shake that train off.

- The kids are gonna appreciate that.
- Larry.

These are real nice, L.D.

That is so sweet.
Thank you.

- I'm gonna put these in some water.
- Okay.

All right.

Put 'em in-
put 'em in something

- and then, you know.
- What are you doing?

- Come on upstairs.
- Go upstairs?

- Come on.
- Let me put it in some water.

Yeah, that can wait
just one second.

Hey!

Why did you leave that stupid message
on my answering machine?

- What?
- I don't want to hear about the money.

No one will take this money.
I couldn't give it to a bum.

Listen to me. I don't care
about the money.

Someone stole flowers

that were marking the spot where
my mother was hit in her wheelchair.

- Really?
- Yes.

I'm not a violent person.
But if I find this guy,

I don't know what I'm
gonna do to him.

- Hmm.
- I can't believe

that a human being would do that.

How would you even know
the flowers are missing?

I keep track of it.
I drive by there 10 times a day.

Okay, you know what?
You should go home now.

Don't worry about the 50.
I don't even care about it anymore.

You know-

What is that I smell?

What? There's no smell.
What do you mean?

That's a white lily.

I don't even know what-
what- a white lily?

I know a white lily.

- Huh?
- I've got a good sense of smell.

What are you doing?

Where are you going?

There they are.
I knew it!

- Hi, Marty.
- Hi, how are you, Cheryl?

- Boy, those are beautiful.
- Thank you.

- Where'd you get 'em?
- Larry just brought 'em home for me.

Where'd you
get the flowers?

Um... where'd I get those?

- Oh, Ventura Boulevard.
- What store?

What was it?

Uh...

Where can I find a vase?

Did you take the flowers
at my mother's site?

- What?
- What?

They wouldn't take the 50
at the flower store!

- How could you do that?!
- Oh, God.

Why? There are
so many of them.

- I didn't know it was such a big-
- So many of them?!

- Is that such a bad thing?
- They're not there to pick!

- You are the lowest of the low.
- I cannot believe you.

I have never heard anything
like that in my life.

- How many flowers does she need?
- You took flowers

- from Marty's mother?
- Are these from a graveyard?

Not a graveyard.
It's a roadside memorial.

It's not such a- come on!

How could you do this?
And you know what?

I am missing one!
Where's the third bunch?

- I-I-
- There were three bouquets.

- I know where it is.
- He will get you that bouquet.

I feel sorry for you.

If you weren't
my best friend,

I would take my bare hands

and pop your head
off your neck.

He's not my best friend.

You better
get those flowers!

Quick question-

is the other bouquet
in the dean's office?

Mmm... well...

yeah.

That's great.

- I'm gonna go get it.
- Yeah. That's good.

And then after
I get 'em back...

- anything I can do to...
- Get back upstairs?

Yeah.

Ummm...

I do like that
perfume Belle Fille.

- Belle Fille.
- That would make me happy.

- I know where. On Wilshire Blvd, right?
- Yes.

- That store on-
- That's only place that sells it.

Yes! Belle Fille.

You- you got it.

- Can I just add to it please?
- Sure.

- Thanks.
- Oh.

Wait wait wait, you know what?
I really like that too.

Are you looking for
anything in particular?

You know what? I'm not,
but these are wonderful.

Try that one.
That one's amazing.

So it's all
sort of a new line?

Yeah, those and we've
got different ones.

These are two citrus,
that one's- I know.

- I love that.
- So good, right?

Buy it. Buy it. It's a good one.
Get that one.

This is a little bit like
peppered with cinnamon.

- Uh-huh.
- It's good.

Good, buy it.
That's a good one.

Um, I was looking for
something actually also

which is very much
like that.

- Actually, I have this one at home.
- Do you really?

It's good.

- Can't really sample.
- Rose, not a big fan.

You know? You can't sample
everything in the world.

It's just impossible.
We'd all like to try everything.

Even though I'd love to,
just can't.

There's people in line,
people got to go places.

I go to a restaurant, can I
get everything on the menu?

I'd love to. Who doesn't want
everything on the menu?

You can't, you got to order
one thing. That's all.

I'm done.
I'm gonna take that.

Thank you
very much.

The sampling thing
has got to, you know,

we got to put an end
to it, you know?

I'd like to be
with a lot of women,

I can't sample every woman.
You know what I'm talking about?

- What can I get for you?
- Yeah, Belle Fille.

It's that one.

- Here you are.
- You got it, that's great.

Sorry, I think
that's the last one.

I was on line ahead of him.
I was ahead of him.

Yeah, well, you shouldn't
have changed lines.

Can I get you
something else?

No, I don't want anything else.
You have a line problem in this store.

The lines move completely
disproportionately.

You know, there's
a way to fix that too.

Like they do in Disneyland,
you know, how the line snakes around.

Go into a deli,
you take a number.

So it's fair, that's all.

'Cause you probably don't
add up stuff at the same rate.

There's a way
to solve it- one line.

It's not a crazy idea.

They wouldn't have stoned me
back 1000 years ago

for bringing up
the one-line idea.

There's one line,
everybody feels good.

They don't feel
they're being cheated.

You have a rope,
you rope it off,

and people move up
fair and square.

Nobody's going
"Oh oh, I can't move. "

You know,
look at them, look at me.

That's all, one line.

All right.
You know.

So Sammy would
be in seventh?

Correct, yes. And she's having her
bat mitzvah this year.

- That's wonderful.
- Yes, she'll be 13.

How is that going?
Is she enjoying it?

I have to tell you,

the way she's
learning her haphtarah...

because she's
actually understanding.

- That's very impressive.
- And it's proving interesting.

...and understanding the meaning of
what she's saying,

which is so
important to me.

- Of course, of course.
- Yeah.

That's lovely.

- I think these traditions are very important.
- Yes, it is important.

- It's a rite of passage.
- Yes, exactly.

And hobbies-
does she have any?

- Hey, hi.
- Hello.

- Hey.
- Mr. David.

- What are you doing here?
- Oh nothing, I was just...

driving by the building. I knew you guys
were here for your interview.

I thought we'd go out, have a cup of coffee,
discuss the interview.

'Cause our kids
could be going together.

- Our kids could be going together.
- Yeah.

- He was here earlier today.
- Really, why?

To apologize to me

for being rude, obnoxious and uncivil
in the ice cream store.

She was taking a lot of time
in the ice cream store sampling...

But he brought me a lovely bouquet
of flowers in apology.

- They're right...
- Uh-huh.

Kelly, where are
the flowers?

They were just there.

I just put 'em right there.

Well, where did they go?

This is fucking
great, Larry!

Now Sammy's
kicked out too.

Just knowing you
is a liability.

We were in there, we're having
the interview, it's nice.

It looks like they're going to accept her.
And then you show up!

I don't know what to say.

I'm real-
I'm- I'm sorry.

You know, these are children's lives
we're talking about, Larry.

Their future
is in our hands.

You don't understand,
you just became a parent.

- But you have to take responsibility.
- I-I believe-

- I believe the children are our future.
- Oh, you know what?

You have ruined my life!
You have ruined my life!

- I have to live with this now!
- Oh, you bet he does!

Oh, do you hear that?
I am fucked!

And you fucked me!
Hard!

She'll get into
another school.

We don't want another school.
We want this school!

We did all our research
for this school, man.

Can I have those flowers?

You want the flowers?

Take the fucking flowers!

Is that what this looked like
when you stole it?

What?
Problem?

Yeah, a big problem.

No good?

- No good, no.
- Well, that's- that's the way I got 'em.

Come on, what?
What's wrong?

They should all stand up. That's what
flowers do when they're healthy.

- Right.
- Stop picking up the petals, okay?

Well, I don't want to make
a mess in your house.

Don't worry about it.
You made enough of a mess.

- Okay, I'm- I'm sorry.
- Okay?

- Okay.
- Who are all these people?

They're friends and relatives
from out of town.

They came in
for tomorrow's funeral.

- Is that Lewis?
- Yeah.

Hey!

Hey.

- What are you doing?
- I got to get out of here.

I just- I just came here
to pay my respects

because I- I can't
go to the funeral.

God, look at these vultures
going for that food!

These- these people,
they don't even chew.

You know, I bet if you threw
a quarter down, there'd be a stampede.

You know that?
This- I got to-

I got to get out of here.

I got the willies from this whole-
this whole place, man.

- What- what is that?
- That's his mother's shrine.

That's where Marty put all the things
she cherished in life-

he gathered like some psycho
and put it on the table.

I- I got to go.

Cheryl, I'm home!

- Look what I drew.
- Yeah, okay, yeah.

- Hey, Larry!
- Yeah, get away.

Yeah.

I got the perfume!

- You smell good.
- Thank you.

Hey, you want to go to my
sister's after the service?

I don't think so.

- Thanks for coming.
- Sure.

Sorry, man.

Hey, thanks so much
for coming, appreciate it.

Do you smell something?

Yes, what is that?

That's Mom's perfume.

You're right.

It's so strong.

It's like she's here with us.

Hey, somebody
dropped a 50!