Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 6, Episode 2 - The Anonymous Donor - full transcript

Larry decides to be nice for a change and actually donate money to a worthy cause. But when he's revealed to be the anonymous donor for the hospital wing, Larry goes ballistic. He then accuses a dry cleaner of giving his jersey to someone else, and goes off in search of it. Meanwhile, Larry, Jeff, and the Blacks get their reputation stained.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
- Okay, fine.
- Let's go.

- Can I take a break?
- No!

- Why?
- Let's push through this.

Work it, come on, yeah,
so we can get this done.

This house feels
like a hoteI to me.

- HoteI, really?
- Yeah.

She's right about that.
It's not as nice as the other house.

I agree with you.
It's not as nice.

Hi, Ted. I know.
No no, we're here.

We're in the middle
of it right now.

I know.
Can you believe it?

- You hear this?
- Hmm?

- She's talking to Ted Danson.
- That was a guy?

- Yeah.
- I thought it was a girI.

- No, they have little chats on the phone.
- No, they don't.

- They do all day long.
- Really?

Yeah, I'm telling you,
it's unbelievable.

And when they're together,
she goes like this. She gives him a slap.

- Touching like that?
- Yeah, like a playfuI slap.

- Oh, the flirtatious slap.
- The flirtatious tap.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- That's like sex for platonic friends.
- Yeah.

Because they can't touch
each other, it's forbidden.

So they're allowed
to go like that.

I'm done
helping you move.

- Hey, thanks so much. Thank you.
- My pleasure.

- Are you going to the NRDC opening?
- Yeah yeah, of course.

You know, they're naming
a wing after me.

- Naming a wing?
- Yeah, I gave 'em a ton of money.

- Well, good for you.
- I'll see you tomorrow.

- Larry, Larry David?
- Yeah.

Where's Loretta?

Peanut, Peanut, boy!

Look at you, boy.
Baby girI!

Oh my God,
you all living large.

- What's up, sister?
- Boy, what you doing here?

What you doing here?

Uh-oh, I knew I smelled
some cooking.

Do I smell food?
Come here, Auntie.

- Who is this guy?
- That's my brother Leon.

What's up, girI?

Which room
he gonna stay in?

- What?
- Which room he gonna stay in?

- You can stay in my room, Uncle Leon.
- Yeah, that's a good idea.

- Let me get my bag.
- Show him where the room is at.

All right.

Come on, boy!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

- Was he in the hurricane?
- No, he lives here in L.A.


Boy, I don't know.

I wonder if cooking
good is hereditary.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, see, Loretta put
her foot in it this time.

Loretta put her foot in it,
turned it around,

and kicked you in your own asshole.
You feeI me?

Watch your mouth
in front of the children.

Looks good, don't it,
don't it?

Man, oh, man, what are you trying
to do to your family with this food?

- You're gonna kill 'em.
- What you talking about, L.D.?

Come on, all that cholesteroI.
It's no good for you.

Larry, can I talk
to you for a second?

Really think about getting rid
of all the bacon

and the sausage
and everyuhing.

I'm gonna think
about eating it.

You crazy, girI!

I'm a little creeped out
right now.

Okay, I was just in Leon's room
putting some flowers in there.

- Leon's room?
- Yeah, and there's a...

There's a stain
on the blanket.

- What kind of stain? What do you mean?
- Like when a guy...

You know, and does his business,
and he's alone.

It's so gross.

- Are you kidding?
- No.

Hey, everybody in the family
have them big ones.

- First night in our house?
- I know.

I'm gonna talk to him.

- No, oh, God.
- What, are you kidding?

I don't want to some guy staying
here masturbating all over the place.

You can't talk
to him about it.

- Leon.
- Larry.

Can I talk
to you for a second?

Excuse me, ladies.
I shall return.

Oh my God. I gotta
get something over to...

All right.
Man, I'm about to bust.

- Enjoyed your breakfast?
- Larry, you know how to bring it.

- That's nice.
- I'm about to blow up.

- I just spoke to my wife.
- Okay.

And she said she was putting
some flowers in your room.

And she found a stain...

on your blanket.

Stain on my blanket, huh?

What, like juice,

Syrup, maybe syrup
or something like that?

Huh-uh, no.

Gravies maybe, something
in the gravy category?

Huh-uh, no.

What kind of stain
was it?

- Hmm?
- Ejaculate.

E- what?



Not ajackalit.


Cum stain. Cum.

Cum stain.

What kind of cum was it,
first of all?

What do you mean,
what kind of cum? Cum's cum.

- Cum is not cum, Larry.
- Cum's cum.

It couldn't have been mine.
Know why? 'cause I gets mine, Larry.

I brings the ruckus
to the ladies.

Okay, so you're denying this.
Is that it?

First of all, look around
this place, man.

Are there any visuals
around here to jack off to?

All we have
is basic cable, right?

What am I doing, jacking off
to "Andy Griffith"?

Jacking off to Clara, huh?

- You mean Aunt Bea?
- Aunt Bea, Clara, whoever.

- Who's Clara?
- Who's the lady who answer the phone?

- I don't know.
- Is that her name, Clara?

I don't know Clara.
I know Aunt Bea.

Nobody wanna jack off
to no damn Aunt Bea.

I don't remember any beauties
on that show, frankly.

It's not my cum, Larry.

- Okay?
- Okay.

So, yeah, just get
the blanket clean.

- This is it?
- That's all, yeah.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

You want me
to clean the blanket.

Yeah, so just throw it in the bin.
You don't need to...

I don't have a bin, Larry.
I have to look at it to see what kind

- of cleaning-
- You don't need to inspect it.

Larry, do you want me
to clean the blanket or not?

What are you doing?
You throw it in.


Okay, I had nothing
to do with that.

Sure, Larry,
whatever you say.

No, somebody's staying at my house,
and I'm sure he did that.

Larry, I could give a shit if it was
Santa Claus. I'm just trying to get it off.

No, I'm just telling you, okay,
that I had nothing to do with that.

- That's not my stain. All right, fine.
- Okay okay.

You look very cute
when you're all blushy.

- You think I'm gonna tell? I'm your friend.
- I didn't do it.

I'm not gonna lie
about that.

You're really insane,
you know?


I don't see
my Yankee jersey...

- by the way.
- Huh.

- See that?
- Wow, it must be gone then.

I'm sorry, Larry.


What? It happens, Larry.
That's what happens sometimes.

No no no, you don't understand.
That's Joe Pepitone's jersey.

I've had that jersey
since I was a kid. Number 25.

It's gone. Somebody else must
have taken it.

Well, do you think
they'll return it?

Larry, in all the many years
I've worked here

at the dry cleaners,
no one ever returns anything.

Sometimes you get home
and you have something that isn't yours,

and sometimes something
of yours gets taken.

That's just the unwritten law
of dry cleaning.

Everyone knows that.

- Really?
- Really.

Well, I don't subscribe
to that law.

Oh, well, then maybe you
should change it.

- Maybe I will.
- Good.

I'll have your semen-covered
blanket ready

on Wednesday.

So I confronted him.
Of course he denied it,

but I mean, come on,
give me a break.

He was in the room.
I mean, who else could it be?

You gotta kick him out,
hands down.

First night
in the house.

Hey hey, I did it.

Come on,
no big deaI.

You did it?

Yeah, did it,
yep, me.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah, what's the big deaI?

What's the big deaI?

It was Passover
at your house.

I was drinking
a little bit,

had some manischewitz,
you know?

Feeling good, and I was away
from the table.

I got an erection.
I took care of it before I came back.

I didn't want to come back to the table
with an erection at Passover.

- Are you out of your mind?
- No, it's no big deaI.

- Passover?
- It's not like Yom Kippur.

- I would never do it on the High Holidays.
- He wouldn't do it

- on a High Holiday.
- No, I wouldn't.

You're like a monkey.

- A monkey.
- You are.

- You didn't do a good job of cleaning up.
- I did the best I could.

- That's the best you could?
- I had to get back to the table.

They were doing the four questions
and I love the four questions.

Gotta get back.
It's very important.

- I love the four questions.
- This is unbelievable.

- No big deaI.
- It is a big deaI.

Come to my house and do it.
What do I give a shit?

Come on over and whack off.
Have a good time.

Oh, listen,

I left my sunglasses at your house.
I need 'em desperately.

- All right, I'II look for 'em.
- Don't let him in your house.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey!

- Look at you.
- No, look at you.

- You are Miss NRDC.
- Look at you!

- Well, thank you.
- You make me wanna save the planet.

- So, should we go in,
- Okay, let's go in.

See the new wing?

Call me, actually.
I have something to tell you.

- I've got something to tell you, too.
- Oh, saying hello?

- Hello.
- Oh, hi.

Why are you and Ted always kind of
hitting each other all the time?

All this playfuI hitting?
All that stuff?

It's not a conscious thing.
I don't know.

I'm expressive
with my hands.


- Larry David. That's great.
- Huh?

- Never had a wing before.
- I know.

That's pretty good.
Pretty good.

- It's your night to shine.
- Yeah yeah, it's great.

What is that?
"Wing Donated By Anonymous. "

- Yeah, yeah.
- Anonymous?

I'm not crazy about that.
Now it looks like...

just looks like I did mine
for the credit

As opposed to, you know,
Mr. WonderfuI "Anonymous. "

I know who it is.

It's Ted.

Ted is Anonymous.

What are you, kidding?

No, isn't that great?

He donated a whole wing
and didn't want anybody to know.

Well, he told you, so he apparently
wanted somebody to know.

He told me, okay?

Who else did he tell?
How do you know he just told you?

The point is that he didn't need
all the fanfare-

Fanfare? What fanfare?
I don't like the fanfare.

You're saying
I like fanfare?

He can tell a few people. He just doesn't
need the whole world to know

that he donated
all this money.

You know what? I didn't need
the world to know, either.

Nobody told me that I could be
anonymous and tell people.

I would have taken
that option, okay?

You can't have it halfway.
You're either anonymous or you're not.

- What is it?
- People are pointing out

- there's Larry David's wing.
- Oh, yeah, there's Larry David,

the guy who has to have his
name up on the wall,

as opposed
to Mr. Anonymous,

but was really Ted.

- I'm proud of you.
- Anonymous.

It's fake philanthropy,
and it's faux anonymity.

What do you think
about that?

Oh, I want to go talk
to senator Boxer.

I'll be right back.

- Hi.
- Hi, Larry.

- Hello, senator.
- It is good to see you.

Senator, I wanted
to talk to you

about an issue

that doesn't really
get a lot of play in the papers.

Well, tell me 'cause
I like new issues.

Okay, I'm talking
about what's going on

at the dry cleaners.

What's going on
at the dry cleaners, Larry?

Well, what happens is sometimes
they'll give your item

to someone else and then that
person owns it

and walks around in it,
and you have no recourse.

And there's no oversight.
It's just complete chaos

in the dry cleaning industry,
as I see it.

Larry, the thing
about it is

that sometimes
you get an item

that isn't yours and sometimes
you lose an item.

So at the end of the day,
it balances out.

Yeah, well, it's not
balancing out for me, senator.

I never get an item,
and you know what?

If I got it,
I would return it,

because I think the whole
system is flawed.

Larry, you see
these slacks?

See 'em?

Dry cleaners.

Those are somebody
else's pants?

they're mine now.

- You're part of the problem, senator.
- Please don't-

- Isn't he great?
- Ted.

- Oh, you know each other, right.
- Oh, yeah.

You look fabulous!

You are such a hero.

- You are, Barbara.
- When you founded the Oceans Foundation

you changed everything because his
kids couldn't swim in the bay.

Oh oh, the poor
little kids.

They couldn't swim
in the bay.

Oh, what about the 400-foot pooI
they could swim in?

That wasn't available
to them at the time?

Well, you know,
could I just say,

that aside,
look at this.

You really- I know. I know.

I didn't say-
Larry, did you know

this anonymous is Ted?

- Yeah, I did.
- The point I want to make is:

You didn't need
to do this.

- That's true. He didn't.
- He didn't.

But that's why
I kept my name off,

because I think
it's the exhibit.

It's the issue that needs
to stand forward, not me.

- And you're so passionate about the issue.
- Thank you.

You know,
too many people

don't do things out
of the goodness-

they want the credit.

You are number one
in my book, Ted Danson.

- Senator.
- Please don't forget-

I've gotta run.
Bye, Larry. Bye, Ted.

- So sweet. Bye, darling.
- See you later.

- Yeah, bye.
- Right this way.

Wow, wow.

- I didn't expect that.
- What is this bullshit?

- What?
- Anonymous. Give me a break.

If you're Anonymous, how come
people know about it?

I told maybe one
or two people,

friends that I didn't think
I wanted to have a secret.

I have a feeling everybody
in this room knows.

Can I have your attention,

We're gonna start the ceremony
and senator Barbara Boxer would like

- to say a few words.
- Thank you so much.

This is a night to thank
two very speciaI people...

- You know, you're full of shit.
- You're a fucking asshole.

- So one is Larry David.
- Anonymous.

Larry David.

We are very thrilled
with his contribution,

and the other is anonymous.

So you know not
one person,

not one thanked me
for the donation.

Are you aware of that?

Next time I give money
to anybody

it'll be anonymous,
I can tell you that.

And I'm going
to tell everybody.

I know who
the masturbator was.



- Ted Danson told you that.
- It doesn't matter.

Oh my God.
That's really unbelievable.

- You know what's unbelievable?
- That's unbelievable.

Is that your friend would
think that's it's okay

to come over to our house
and jerk off.

- He's had too much to drink, you know...
- Too much to drink?

- Yeah, he was drunk.
- Well I've had drinks before,

and I didn't go over
to somebody's house

- and masturbate in the guest room.
- Well, good for you.

And by the way,

Jeff is banned
from our house.

- You're banning him from the house?
- Yeah.

He is not welcome
in our house anymore.

I tell you what:
I'd rather have

the masturbator in the house
than the gossiper.

Well, you obviously weren't
going to tell me, Larry.

I would have told you on the way home
or waited untiI I got in the house,

- Oh, right.
- so we'd have a good laugh over it later.

- A laugh?
- Well, whatever.

- Did you really think-
- No probably not.

That's hilarious- "Hey, CheryI,
guess who jerked off on our blanket?

It was Jeff. Isn't that hilarious?"

Yeah, that's a fun ride home.

Heya, what's going on?


It's crazy, really, but,

I- you know.


CheryI found out about
the stain on the blanket.

How could she find out?

You didn't tell her.


Ted Danson?

Yeah, her girlfriend Ted!

- Why would he do do something like that?
- I don't know.

- That's unbelievable!
- I don't understand that!

- That was a private moment!
- Absolutely.

- And then he's gossiping?
- What a little yenta!

That's crazy!

Now how am I gonna
look CheryI in the eye?

How can the four of us
ever go out again?

That's another thing.

She's uh- she was
pretty upset, and, uh...

she's banned you
from the house.

- CheryI banned me from your house?
- You're banned.

What the hell is going on?

Oh, hey, Sus'.

- Larr.
- Hi, how are you?

What do you mean CheryI
banned you from the house?

- Who just said-?
- I heard you!

Don't try to bullshit me!
Why, what happened?

What's gonna happen
if I don't tell?

I'll call CheryI and find out.

- What the fuck difference does it make?
- Well, okay.

Last Passover...

You what?!

You jerked off
in their house?

- Yeah.
- Oh, that is sick!

You have wrought your semen
outside our home, Jeff?

- Yeah.
- That's adultery!

- That's cheating on me!
- When did-

You masturbate in this house
and this house alone! Maybe a hoteI.

Not at a friend's house!

I have to agree
with her, really.

You know what, Larry?
I can handle this.

He's my husband.
Shut the fuck up, okay?

- Okay.
- It's sick, Jeff!

You don't jerk off
in somebody else's home!

And CheryI kicked him out?

- Yeah, she banned him.
- Really?

Who the fuck is she to tell
my husband what to do?

- I punish my husband!
- I could not agree more with you.

- Thank you very much, Larry.
- You're right.

Ban him from
the house?

- Fuck you, ban him from the house.
- Fuck you, yeah, absolutely.

I will take care
of you in my own way.

And you know what?
Jeff is banned from your house?

You are banned
from my house.

Get the fuck out!

- What? What are you-
- Get the fuck out of my house!

Be gone with you!

If he's banned, you're banned!

- You're banning me?
- Yes, I am banning you.

- You're banning me from your house?
- Yes I am.

- Okay, fine. I'm banned!
- Good!

Don't come back!

Don't worry, I won't!

- Boo!
- It's a ghost! Don't let him get me!

What the hell's going on here?
Oh, hell no!

I will take you out!

The days are over where you
been terrorizing my people!

- It's me!
- Me who?

Larry David! What are you doing
up under this Klan sheet?

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh my God, no no no.

- We were playing ghosts.
- Ghosts?

Where I come from,
you see somebody in a sheet,

Ghost is not the first
thing you think about.

You think about K.K.K.

- K.K.K.?
- Yeah.

Come on, are you kidding?

Scared me
half to death, Larry.

Okay, you can get off now.

- All right. Well, help me, love.
- Go ahead.

I'll get these groceries...

Hey, Jeff's sunglasses.

- Hey, Leon!
- What up?

What are you doing?
You want to take a ride with me?

I gotta return Jeff's sunglasses.
He left them here.

I got some stuff
to tell you anyway.

All right, Larry.
Hold on.

Give me two minutes, Larry.

Ho ho ho! So it's
Jeff been jackin' off?

That's the
jackoff suspect, huh?

Leon, I am so sorry.

That's some fucked-up shit
right there, man.

I know. I owe you one.

You damn right
you owe me one.

- Okay, so we're cooI?
- We're cooI, man.

Hey, Leon...

- You see that guy?
- That guy right there?

In the Yankee jersey.

Number 25- that's
my jersey! Joe Pepitone!

- What?
- The dry cleaner gave it to him.

He never gave it back.

That's some bullshit
right there.

- I'm going to handle this shit.
- What are you doing?

- I'm gonna get your shit back for you, man.
- What are you talking about?

Be cooI, Larry. I'm gonna get that
shit back for you.



that's how I do it, baby!

Ha ha ha! Joe Pepitone up
in this motherfucker.

Nice goin', man.

- That's how I doos it, baby.
- Nice going.

- That's how I doos it, Larry.
- I like it.

What do you want?

Jeff's glasses.

Found them in my house.

He mentioned it to me
so I thought I'd return them.

All right, fine,
thank you.

- I know I'm banned from the house-
- Yeah?

Think I could use
your bathroom?

No, a ban is a ban. What,
does my word mean nothing?

I really gotta go.

All right, I will temporarily
lift the ban.

In out- quick!

Thank you.

What the fuck?!


- It was a playfuI tap!
- What are you, nine years old

in fourth grade?
Get your fuckin' hands off of me!

- It was a playfuI tap.
- Get in and out!

So what are we
gonna do now,

Get me a new blanket,
new bed, all that shit?

Leon, I'm not
getting you a new bed.

Come on, man.
That's crazy.

That's crazy right there.

- That mattress is tainted!
- Hey, wait a second.

Oh my God! There's another
Joe Pepitone jersey!

This is unbelievable.

Is it possible there's
two of these things?

- Can't be two.
- Let me check the size.

- 44.
- 44?

No, mine's 42.

This can't be my jersey.
That's my jersey.

Okay, well let's get the right shirt then.
How 'bout that?

All right, I can handle that
right now.

That guy right there.
It's his shirt.

We're definitely taking
the damn shirt.

- Larry?
- Huh?

Larry David?
Hey hey hey.

Hey, it's Merle-
Merle Berger

from the NRDC function
the other night.

Oh, Merle!

Hey, did you send that guy over
to take my jersey?

Well, I didn't really
send him.

He kind of went off
on his own.

He just took the jersey
off my back!

I don't think it's really your jersey,
though, is it, Merle?

What do you mean?
I was wearing it.

Did you get that jersey
from the dry cleaner?

Yeah, I got it-
I got it from the dry cleaner.

Okay, Merle, that jersey
is my jersey.

I brought it into that dry cleaner
and they gave it to you by mistake.

- But you didn't return it.
- But that's the law of the dry cleaners.

You know, you win some,
you lose some.

- That's the way it works.
- That doesn't work out with me.

I never get any stuff
from the dry cleaner.

The only mistakes they make with me
are to give my stuff to other people.

That's not my fault.
I've lost tons of stuff

at the dry cleaners.
I lost drapes!

Well, I'm sorry for your losses
but you're not gonna make it up now.

If you got a problem
with this

why don't you just
write your congressperson?

Yeah, well I spoke to senator Boxer.
How about that?

Oh, that's great.
And what did she say?

She said...

that she's gonna go to Washington
and take care of this problem.

Okay, you know what?

I'm on the board
at the NRDC

and your name's
coming off that wall.

How would you like that?

You're gonna take my name
off the wall?

- Yeah, I'm gonna-
- No! You wouldn't.

Oh, you bet I would.

- Okay, go ahead, do it.
- I'm gonna do it!

And why don't you
put up "Anonymous" instead?

I will.
That's a perfect idea.

- Yeah, really? Go ahead and do it.
- I have a lot of pull.

- Okay, let's see.
- Good.

You come by there
next Monday,

It's gonna say "Anonymous"
on the wall.

- Okay, good! Don't forget.
- I'm not!

Joe Pepitone!

We got a matching set, man.


What's wrong,
Sammy, darling?

Mmm! Bam!


- War.
- War.

I declare war!

Boom! Aw!

All right!
What'd I get?

Take it.
Peanut, grab that door!

Get the door, Peanut!

I just want to do
my thing, Larry.

What is your thing?

I'm gonna be
a director, man-

Action movies,
all that stuff, man.

You know you can't just
go right into that.

You gotta get something in production,
you know what I mean?

Oh. Oh, man.

This is a new low,
even for you, Larry.


You came over yesterday,
you went to the bathroom

and you choked it
on Sammy's teddy bear

as some kind of revenge
masturbatory payback!

- Okay, I didn't do that-
- Oh, bullshit! You're a fucking liar!

- What, I did that?
- Yes you did!

Are you crazy?

It's that jackalit, right?

Who the fuck is this?

That's Leon,
Loretta's brother.

What's up what's up,
what's up what's up? Mmm.

I tell you one thing: I like a woman
with a smart-ass mouth like that.

- Yeah, well fuck you too!
- Mmm. You handle yourself.

That's beside the point, Leon.
This is sick,

this is perverse, and I think this is
the lowest you've ever gone.

- Come on, I didn't do that.
- Oh really, then who did?

- I don't know.
- Just some anonymous person?

Who's anonymous, then?

- Oh, I know who Anonymous is.
- Who?

- It's Ted Danson.
- How do you know?

Well, he told me,
but he told me not to tell anybody.

That's how he likes to do it.
Makes him feeI better about himself.


Oh, that's disgusting!

That is just disgusting!

What a perv, man!

Boom! War.

I declare-

- Boom!
- -war.

I'll get it.

Ted, it's Susie for you.

I wonder what she wants.

- Hey, Larr, how are you?
- Hi Kathy.

- How are you doing, man?
- Good.

Hey, I wanted to tell you I heard that
you took your name off the NRDC building

and had it replaced
with Anonymous.

I think it's so wonderfuI.
I admire you so much for that.

Kathy, I get plenty of fanfare.
I don't need the fanfare, you know?

- Good for you, Larry.
- I really don't.

As a matter of fact,
I hope you don't mind

That I told a few people that you
were the anonymous person.

I hope that's okay
that I let that slip out.

Well, I can't really tell you
what to do, but I- yeah...

people should know
you're anonymous.

- You're a great guy, Larry-
- Well, if you want to tell people go ahead.

- You know, it's up to you.
- I have already and I might continue.

- Continue away.
- All right, I will.

- Thank you.
- Take care, honey.

- Bye bye.
- Bye.

It's that guy.
That's the guy.

That's the guy!

That's that bald guy
that took my jersey!

You gotta let me in!

These people
are chasing me!

Sir, the building's closed.
I can't help you.

No no, I'm Larry David.
That's my wing!

- That says "Anonymous. "
- I'm Anonymous!

I'm Anonymous!

Larry David is Anonymous!