Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - The Smoking Jacket - full transcript

Larry joins the "Make A Wish" foundation, and swaps his smoking jacket with Hugh Hefner.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
All right!

Happy birthday!

What did you wish for?

That's personal.

Yeah. Yeah, I know
what you wished for.

You don't know what I wished for...
it's none of your business.

- Oh, I know.
- Oh, really?

- Yeah, I do.
- What, what, what?

What did you wish for?

You know, it's a personal thing.
It's a wish.

- You wished...
- I don't like to say what I wished for.



You wished that
Louis Lewis would die,

so you don't have to give up your own
kidney to Richard.

Yeah, right.

- That's what it was.
- Yeah.

- No, it wasn't.
- Yeah, trust me. Oh yes.

Who would do
something like that?

You! You,
that's who... you!

You think I would wish
for somebody who's in a coma,

who's practically
a vegetable, to die,

just so I wouldn't have
to give up my own kidney?

Okay.

Let's go.
Open her up.

Look at this.

- The guy got me a present, huh?
- It's nice.



- What a guy!
- Yes, indeed.

It's good to have a big friend,
you can smack him around. Look at that!

- It doesn't hurt.
- Don't feel a thing.

- Doesn't hurt him, doesn't feel anything.
- Don't feel a thing.

Take a pop at him.
Go ahead, take a pop.

Take a pop.
Doesn't feel anything.

- Here, let me help you.
- What are you doing?

- I got it.
- Come on. I wrapped it.

- I know how to do it.
- Doesn't matter. It's my gift!

- It's not a big deal.
- It's my present. Let go.

- Let of the package.
- All right!

Let go.

- I know what it is.
- Yes, indeed.

- I know what it is.
- What is it?

It's a green...
it's a green sport jacket.

He has one and I
complimented him on it.

And he remembered what I said
and he got me this.

This is the best
birthday I ever had.

Best birthday a fellow
could ever have.

I noticed that you haven't
contributed anything to...

I know, my gift is on hold.

I have to confirm something
before I give it to you.

Really?

No, it's gonna be so good.
It's gonna be so good.

When am I going to get it?

- As soon as I have 100% confirmation.
- Really?

And you're going to love it.
Just trust me.

- Aw.
- Yeah, but you'll love it.

- Come on.
- You're going to love it. Trust me.

Try the jacket on.
Let's see you try it on.

Oh, one second.

- Hey!
- Hey.

- How are you?
- All right.

- How are you?
- Pretty good, pretty good.

- Mr. Birthday Boy today.
- Oh, you remembered.

- Remember, please. Who can forget?
- I can't believe it.

Oh, you kiddin'? Who'd forget
this day. How's your dad?

He's... you know,
he's all right.

The hearing is going
and the mind is, you know, it's...

This is tragic. Because this guy,
he was sharp.

Yeah, but he's not...
he forgets things,

he doesn't remember
stuff anymore.

Well, at least
it's not his hip.

Because once it's at the hip, then
you're gone. They all say you're gone.

- Look who's here.
- Hi, Andy. How are you, pal?

- Good to see you.
- How are you, Jeffrey?

Good to see you. I forgot to tell you
something so important.

Hef invited me to a party
at the Mansion.

- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Want to go
to the Playboy Mansion?

Yeah, do I want to?
Yeah, but can I? I don't know.

Come on. We'll be
"going to a movie" or something.

There's no way.
Come on.

Oh, come on.
You'll have fun.

I'd love to go.

I got to go to the bathroom.
Pardon me a sec.

Oh, hey, let me
ask you something.

Did...

did your parents ever
mention anything to you

about me being adopted?

What?

When my father was lying
on the hospital bed...

Yeah?

I've never heard
anything like this.

Nat never said anything
to me, to my mom,

- Nothing.
- Parents never said anything?

Nothing.
This is wild.

- I hired a private investigator.
- No, you didn't.

- I should hear something pretty soon.
- No. You know what, Larry?

You're nuts.
You're out of your mind.

Just leave it alone.
I'm going to go say hey to Cheryl.

Oh, good afternoon.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Can I help you?

I'm a friend of his cousin.

Richard Lewis?

Oh, yes, yes. Mr. Lewis.
Yes. Right, yeah.

Yes, that's too bad.
It's too bad.

How's he doing?

Well, unfortunately
he's not doing too well.

He's in an irreversible coma.

As you can see
we got him set up

- on life support.
- I see, yeah.

Prognosis isn't good.
So...

- Huh.
- Yeah.

So...

how long do you
think he has?

- I beg your pardon?
- How long do you think he has?

It's hard to say. It could be
days, weeks, months.

There's been cases where patients
have been in comas for years.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, yeah.

What do you think
you're leaning more towards...

weeks or months?

It's hard to say.

If you had to pick one.

I don't know
if I could pick one.

Take a shot.

No.

Well...

What happens
to the moustache in a coma?

- The moustache?
- Yeah, his moustache.

It continues to grow. There's a lady
who comes in a couple times.

Really?
The hospital has a barber?

Yeah.
She's a nice lady.

She clips his moustache,
she does his hair.

- She just works within the hospital or...
- Within the hospital, yes.

We just try and keep him
comfortable,

and...
you know...

Seems a pity though,

that these people
languish like this

when the soul
is crying to...

Yeah, I guess you could
look at it that way.

He's got all these organs he could
be donating. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I suppose.

- People they sit here with their organs...
- Nice talking to you.

People who are alive
they need the...

What do you think
you're doing?

What?

You pull that plug
and I'll tell.

No, it fell. It fell on the floor.
I'm picking it up.

- Oh.
- Pulling plugs. Where'd you get that from?

Well, you just looked like
you were about to pull the plug.

You had your hands on it,
you were kind of...

About to pull the plug?
Are you crazy?

I heard
your conversation.

So, what? You want this guy
dead or something?

Listen, that's a very
serious thing you're saying.

You're practically
calling me a murderer.

I'm not pulling any plug.
So, come on. Enough of that.

Okay. I'm willing to overlook
this whole thing.

Are you? Boy, that's very nice
of you, thank you.

- I appreciate that.
- If...

- Yeah?
- You grant my wish

That the Make-a-wish
Foundation turned down.

- You'll forget about this?
- You agree?

What was this wish
that they wouldn't grant?

I want to see
a naked woman.

- You want to see a naked woman?
- Um-hmm.

- That's your wish?
- Um-hmm.

- They wouldn't grant that wish?
- Of course not.

Imagine going through your whole life
without seeing a naked woman.

- Hey, I almost did.
- Hmm...

So you're going
to grant my wish?

Well, you know, I would love
to help you out. What's your name?

Wilson.

I'd like to help you out,
Wilson, I really would,

but I don't know any naked women.
My wife, that's the only one I know.

- She's perfect.
- She's not going to do this.

- Why not?
- She's not going to come in here

- and take her clothes off for you.
- Take me to your place.

Forget it. We'll have to come up
with somebody else.

Fine.
That's your job.

- I'll think about it. Okay?
- You'll think about it?

- Yeah.
- You think about it.

Even if I had someone, how are you
gonna get out of here anyway?

Oh, please,
I sneak out all the time.

Have a nice day.

Oh. Andy,
this package is for you.

Open it up.
What is it?

I don't know.
It's from Nat.

- Oh, it's from your father.
- Yeah.

Look at that.

He sent me
his smoking jacket.

- Wow.
- Wow. How lovely.

- Look at that.
- Why would he send this to me?

But it's beautiful.

- Wow.
- Okay. All right.

You know what this is about?
I'm sorry to tell you this.

This is probably
a birthday gift for me.

I'll tell you why.
'Cause when we were younger,

whenever it was
my birthday

my father would always send a gift
to him so he wouldn't feel left out.

So, he kind of got confused,
you know, he's not...

he's not the same
as he was.

He kind of got confused and he must
have written your name on it.

You think that he did not
send this to me?

- Why would he send it to you?
- Look at this...

"Andy David." Look up at the top,
in the return is "Nat."

Andy, he didn't send me anything
for my birthday. He always sends...

You can't accept the fact
that he sent me a gift.

He promised me
this jacket.

- Who did?
- My father.

Oh, Larry,
you're unbelievable.

You can't accept the fact
that your father sent me a lovely gift.

He has no reason to send it to you.
It's my birthday.

- Because he happens to love me.
- He's confused!

I have a question for you.
Have you seen that "US" magazine?

I had an "US" magazine
that was...

It was in
the other room, it...

Oh. I think
I threw that out.

What?

- Oh my God.
- What?

I had a phone number.
A very important number

- written on that magazine.
- What phone number?

Why did you throw away
my magazine?

Because he took it in the bathroom
and contaminated it.

- Oh...
- What?

- I what?
- Larry...

- All right, let's get serious now, okay?
- What?

My father sent that jacket for me.
That's a mistake.

My father would not
just send you his jacket.

- He sent me a jacket.
- He promised me that jacket.

He gave it to me
because he likes me.

It's a mistake.
You're taking advantage of an old man.

- You're like a little brat...
- I'm a brat? You fucking moron!

- Give me that jacket.
- No, this is my jacket.

This is my jacket!
It's mine!

You know he promised
that jacket to me.

It's unfair. He didn't give me
a birthday present.

He's just confused.
It's so obvious.

It's a big bowl of wrong.

Andy.

So, are you going
to the Playboy Mansion?

I can't go. I'm so deep
in the doghouse now.

She's really pissed off at me
because I threw away her magazine

that had
a phone number on it.

Aw, come on man.
You're already in the doghouse,

you can't get
in any more trouble,

you might as well
get your money's worth.

Yeah, might as well
do something else wrong.

It's a "double transgression" theory.

- What an interesting theory.
- Well, thank you.

"Double transgression theory."

And I could ask that kid
Wilson, to go with me.

Who's Wilson?

Oh, yeah, Wilson.
I met this kid in the hospital...

They'll take less.

Trust me. Trust me,
they'll take less.

Call me back when you
hear from them.

That'll be fine.
I'm on L.A. Time, okay?

All right.
I'll talk to you later.

What?

What is this? Huh?

Take this off.
This doesn't belong to you.

You know it and I know it.

My father promised me this smoking jacket
when I was 14 years old.

- Larry, move on. Move on...
- All right, you know what?

- Oh my goodness.
- I'm going to the Playboy Mansion.

When I get back,
I want you out of that jacket.

You're going to
the Playboy Mansion?

I don't want you walking around
in this jacket anymore.

Hold on. Wait...
Larry... Take me.

I want to go.
Can I go?

- Really?
- Please.

Oh, what would this
do to my trip?

- To go to the Playboy Mansion!
- That would be great, wouldn't it?

- Please.
- It's not really my decision.

- It would make my trip so beautiful.
- I know, Andy.

I wish I could help you.
I really do. I wish I could.

- You can help me. Just ask Jeff.
- I don't know...

What's one guy,
what's two guys?

- Oh, I got an idea.
- What?

- You want to go to the Playboy Mansion?
- Yeah.

You really want to go?
Give me the jacket.

You got it.
I'm going to go up and change.

Wait a second. I'm taking it
to the drycleaner.

- Take it off.
- Here, here, here.

Speak into the rock.

What's your business,
please?

Jeff Greene
and three guests.

Proceed up
the driveway please.

- Wow.
- Wow.

Look at this thing, huh?

Mercedes Benz,
SL300 SI.

- You know it, huh?
- Um-hmm.

What did you do?

What is with you?

- What? L...
- What did you do?

I don't know.

Sorry.

I got to use
the bathroom.

Well... hey...

- how do you do?
- Hello there.

- Hi, Larry David.
- Hugh Hefner.

- Yes, nice to meet you.
- My pleasure, welcome.

- Hi, I'm Holly.
- Hello. Hi.

- Bridget.
- Hello. Hi.

- You're a guest of?
- Jeff Greene.

- Yes. Sure.
- Oh, you know him?

- Sure. Yeah.
- See, I thought he was pretending

- the whole time.
- No, it's true. Yeah.

What's that animal walking around
outside with the long neck?

What do you call that?

Well, it's probably a flamingo.

Oh, flamingo.

I'm not good at identifying
birds and animals.

You know, like sneakers,
I can identify.

Converse, Adidas,
I know all that stuff.

I know sneakers,
birds I don't know from.

This is...
you know what?

This smoking jacket...

my father's got the exact
same smoking jacket.

Hmmm, I doubt it.

- Doubt it?
- Well, it's an original.

I have them imported
from Italy.

- Really?
- It's a Roselli.

- Uh-huh.
- One of a kind.

I don't know.

- You know what?
- Hmm?

I got it
right out in the car.

- Well, I'd like to see it.
- Would you?

- Sure.
- Can I go get it?

- Sure.
- Then stay right here.

I'll go get the smoking jacket.
Stay right here.

I think it's the exact same one.
I'm not kidding.

Unbelievable.

Hey.

What?

What's the matter
with you?

- What's the matter with me?
- Yeah.

You ruined my wish.

It could have been
a coincidence.

They ran away
from you, Larry.

It wasn't my fault.

Well, it was obviously something
about you that made them do that.

- Do me a favor, hand me that jacket.
- Why?

Because I want
to show it to Hefner.

What do you mean
you want to show it?

Listen, get in the car. Really, I'm...
this whole day was just a mess.

Come on,
hand me the jacket.

- No.
- What?

- No.
- What's the matter with you?

- Just get in the car, come on.
- Huh?

- I wanna go.
- Look, you little shit...

- What the... give me that jacket!
- No!

Hey.

I didn't knock. I figured
you knew I was going out...

- I could just come in...
- Sure.

So I took that liberty.
I hope it's okay.

What do you think?
Huh?

- I'm amazed.
- It's the same thing.

Well, it's not a Roselli
but it's a great knock-off.

- Really?
- Yeah, let me try it on.

There you go.

It even fits.

Wait till my father
hears that Hugh Hefner

was trying on
his smoking jacket.

He's going to freak out.

Wow. Pretty good.

- It looks good.
- Yeah.

Pretty, pretty good.

Let me look at it
in the mirror.

Not bad.

Excuse me.

Where do you live?

In Los Angeles.

Yeah.

I noticed
they got some...

- They got some monkeys out there, huh?
- Yeah.

You don't got much pockets
in there, huh?

- Not too many pockets there.
- We don't need pockets.

I couldn't live
without pockets.

Look, I'm not a dentist, but I enjoy
discussing dental hygiene...

They're monkeys, they'll attack you.
They'll claw you to death.

I'd say gum stimulation,
very important, flossing...

There are people, though, let's face it,
who do have a foot odor problem.

Are you saying
I have dirty feet?

- Your name is what again? I forgot.
- Bridget.

- And you are?
- Holly.

Holly.

Maybe we should go
bowling sometime?

Maybe.

I don't think you want
to go bowling with me.

Let's pretend to be
ventriloquists, okay?

Remarkable.
They do impressive work in Korea.

You're wanted
at the Grotto now, baby.

- Ah. Excuse me.
- See you later.

- Bye.
- Bye bye.

The Playboy Mansion?
That's where you were?

You didn't think
that I would mind

that you're running around
with nude women?

There's no nude women.
They covered all up when they saw me.

You have no idea how hard I've been
working on your birthday present.

I had this phone number written
on the back of a magazine,

- Which you threw out.
- L-I'm sorry.

And I finally got it back.

I have arranged
for you to have lunch

and play a round of golf
with Gary Player.

- Gary Player?
- Yes, because he's a huge "Seinfeld" fan,

- and now I just feel like, why?
- Wait, wait, wait!

- What are you doing? No, no, no!
- I'm going to rip it up...

Wait, wait.

- No, I don't think you deserve this.
- Oh my God.

- Yes.
- No, no, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

But what can I say?

I knew you were already mad at me
for the magazine, okay?

So I figured, I might as well
go to the Mansion,

- so one apology would cover both.
- That was your logic?

You know, it's like the dog
who pees on the rug.

He knows he's getting
sent to the doghouse,

so on the way, he grabs
some food off the kitchen table.

It's the "double transgression" theory.

How did you even know
that I like Gary Player, by the way?

I remember you said when you
were a kid you loved Gary Player

And he was your favorite.
You liked him more than Palmer...

- You remembered that?
- I remembered that.

Okay, watch the step.

You got a step and you got
a little carpet here. Hey ya guys.

- Hi.
- Hey!

Pop-sicola.

Hey, you know
what I did last night?

- I had a date.
- The playmate?

You betcha.
Bobbi Sue.

- It's going great. She's terrific.
- Fantastic.

- I know, huh?
- How about your nephew over here, huh?

Yeah, that's worth
the trip from New York, huh?

How's it going, Pops?
How's the nursing home?

Eh, I don't like it
there so much. You know.

- Why?
- We'll put you someplace else.

They steal from me.
I am telling you something, Larry.

- They're stealing from me.
- They're stealing?

You know my beautiful jacket,
my smoking jacket?

With the red and the...

and satin?

Yeah, sure.
Your smoking jacket.

- They took it.
- No, no, no.

- They took my smoking jacket.
- Uncle Nat, no, no. You sent it to me.

You actually probably meant
to send it to me for my birthday.

No, you sent it to me because
my name was on the package.

You always said you wanted me
to have that jacket.

You gave it to me.

- Hey, gentlemen!
- He sent it to me!

- You said... Nat...
- Why the hell would I send

that beautiful jacket to either of you?
I love that jacket.

All right, hold on.

What?

What's that?

What the heck is this?
This is not my...

this is not
my smoking jacket.

- It's not.
- Well I'm sorry.

My jacket is a Roselli jacket.
Take a look at this thing.

Take a look at the seams here.
It's a shmata, man.

It's not my... this is a knock-off
of my jacket.

- What?
- How did you get a hold of this dreck?

- This is a knock-off?
- It's a knock-off.

It's a cheap, cheap imitation.

This is not a Roselli?

This is not a Roselli.
How did you get it?

Holy shit.

All right.
I'll get your jacket back.

- All right...
- Today. I'm getting it back today.

- All right.
- Hugh Hefner. He's got my jacket.

Hugh Hefner
has your jacket?

Hugh Hefner
took my jacket?

- Hi.
- Larry.

Sorry...

sorry for
bothering you but...

the other day when
I was here, I mistakenly

took the wrong
smoking jacket and...

I'm sorry, this is your smoking jacket.
That one's actually my father's.

I apologize.

I don't think so.

This is a Roselli.
That's a knock-off.

No, no no.
This is the Roselli.

That's the knock-off.
That's my father's.

I can tell the difference.
That's the knock-off.

Well, here. Maybe you should
take another look at it.

I really haven't got time for this.
They're waiting for me upstairs.

- I'm sorry.
- You got the wrong jacket.

- I'm sorry.
- That's my father's jacket.

Who's waiting for you upstairs?

So, any... change?

Has he gotten any worse?

No, it's about the same.
No worse, no better.

- Damn.
- Yeah. You know,

I have to tell you that I'm quite
impressed with your dedication...

- Really?
...to visiting this patient.

Oh, thank you, doctor.

That's very nice
of you though.

Well, it is
my friend's cousin.

Yes.

How do you know
if he's dead?

Well, it's pretty simple.
There's no heartbeat,

no brain activity,
and if anything happens...

Because he's an organ donor,
and his organs need to be free.

Yes, I understand that.
We've got that under...

If he sits here like a lox
for a couple of weeks,

the organs aren't
going to be worth it.

Well, I don't think
that will be a problem.

- We got that covered.
- Okay. Well, thank you.

Okay, listen...
once again like I said,

it's very nice of you to do
what you're doing with him...

Oh yeah, it's
the least I could do.

- Well, good. Good talking to you, okay?
- Okay.

I'll see you later.

- Ah!
- Wasn't that lovely?

Yes, look who's here.

Hmm. How's it going
with the wish?

- I don't know, I'm kind of out of ideas.
- Um-hmm. Really?

- Hey, you know, I took you...
- You owe me!

I took you
to the Playboy Mansion.

- What else do you want me to do?
- I want to see a naked woman.

Okay. All right, get dressed.
I'll think of something.

- Where are we going?
- I don't know. I'll have to think.

- Hurry up. Get dressed. Come on.
- Okay.

You're getting to be a real
pain in the ass, you know that?

- What are we doing here?
- I forgot my cell phone.

My wife's in New York.
She gets very aggravated

if she can't get in touch with me
24 hours a day.

I have to have constant
contact all the time.

Whoa. Is this place
your house?

Nah, we're just renting.
They're working on my house.

Oh my God.

Larry!

So Wilson, have you thought
about another wish?

Yes, I have.

My wish is for Hugh Hefner's
smoking jacket.

The red one
with the black trim.

The Roselli.

- Larry.
- Hey, Gary.

- What a pleasure.
- Great to meet you.

Oh, nice to meet you.
I've been such a fan of "Seinfeld"

and to have lunch with you,

and 18 holes of golf,
what a way to have a day.

- Oh my God.
- Come right in.

I can't believe my wife
got in touch with you to do this.

- It's unbelievable.
- Hang on to her, she's a good one.

This jacket? My friend gave it to me
for a birthday present.

It's uncanny, Larry.
That's exactly like the jacket

they award you when
you win the Masters.

Now there's
a 1961 Masters jacket.

- Wow.
- Isn't that a beauty?

- Look at this? Exactly the same.
- Exactly.

- Why don't you try it on?
- Really?

Absolutely.
Put it on.

Wow.

I cannot get over how similar
this jacket is to that.

You mind if I just go and have
a look at this in the mirror?

What? This is the one you beat
Palmer in '61, right?

Absolutely.
Come on.

Look at that.
Hey, it fits you.

Yeah.

You'll have
to excuse me a minute.