Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 5, Episode 5 - Lewis Needs a Kidney - full transcript

Larry learns that Richard Lewis is bedridden and needs a kidney transplant. Larry and Jeff both turn up as positive matches for Lewis, but neither one are willing to give up their precious organs that easily.

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Episode 5x05: Lewis Needs a Kidney

- Jones security.
- Larry David for Omar Jones.

All right, Mr. David. What's this call regarding?

Uh, he... he'll know what it's about.

I'm... I'm a client.

Got that, but what is the call regarding?

You know, to be honest, it's kind of personal.

I'm sure it is.

But you can't speak with him until you tell me what this call is regarding.

But it has nothing to do with you. It has to do with him.

I don't really wanna tell you what it's about.



Ok, Sir, you're gonna need to control your levels and tell me what this call is regarding.

Do me a favor, tell me the details of your last conversation.

That's none of your business!

Exactly.

Oh, fuck.

Schmuck! Fucking idiot!

- Hello?
- Hey, it's me.

- Hey, what's up?
- I locked myself out of my car.

Oh, jeez.

All right, I'll come get ya.

Welcome to jack in the box. May I have your order please?

I'd like, um...

two jumbo jacks,

french fries, and a diet coke.



Sir, are you in a car?

No.

Sir, this is a drive-thru line. You have to be in a car to order.

- What's difference?
- It's our policy, this is a drive-thru line.

One second!

Come on, I'm starving. There's no... everything... everything's closed.

- I wish I could help you, sir.
- Oh, yeah, right.

Could you do me a favor? They won't let me order any food unless I'm in a car.

Will you... ?

They won't let me order any food unless I'm in a car.

- Would you mind if I...
- No, I'm sorry.

Thanks.

I'm so sorry to bother you.

I'm trying to get some food. They won't let me order unless I'm in a car.

- No kidding.
- It's crazy.

Huh? It's just insane.

- I'll tell you what.
- Yeah.

- Get in.
- Really?

- Get in the car.
- Oh.

I tell you, Pete,

you should have got the jumbo jack.

- Do yourself a favor...
- Yeah.

The next time you come through,

go for the bacon bacon cheeseburger and the asian salad.

A strange combination, but it goes down easy,

and it comes out fast.

I don't need to tell you more.

What kind of work you do, Pete?

Good question.

I'm in...

I'm in a transition at the moment. I'm...

- I was involved in the dental field...
- Dental field?

- For about eight months.
- What'd you do in the dental field?

Uh, I worked alongside a dental hygienist.

Really? What does somebody do working alongside a dental hygienist?

I watched and worked closely with a dental hygienist.

- And...
- and what happened?

Um, we ran into some problems.

And I prefer to leave it at that.

- Okay.
- I found myself...

drawn to landscaping work.

It's... it's... it's...

it's a slow transition.

I'm... I'm...

- you got some porno back there?
- Yeah... well no, it's not mine.

That was... that was left by a couple of my co-workers.

- Boy, that's quite a collection.
- Yeah.

I had no idea that that was there.

I... that's not mine to begin with, so...

I find it all...

- Oh, hey!
- Jesus!

- Hey.
- You ready to go?

Scared the hell out of me.

- This is Pete.
- Hey, Pete, how you doing?

- This is Jeff.
- Jeff.

Thank you for helping out my friend.

Okay.

So are you involved in "Seinfeld" as well?

No, no, no, no...

How do you fellas know each other?

- He's my manager.
- I'm his manager.

Okay.

Oh, man. Jumbo jack.

Did I tell you? Huh?

- Best thing ever!
- How unbelievable is that?

Unbelievable.

I'm sorry,

but I got some bad news.

- Oh. Lewis?
- Yeah.

- Kidney?
- Yeah, both of them.

- He's gonna need a new one.
- Oh, well,

- is there a donor?
- I don't know.

What's he gonna do?

I don't know.

He's gotta find somebody who can...

who can match.

You know, hopefully, he knows somebody who's...

got the right kidney for him and then it's a whole process of...

you know, first, the person who... has to be tested,

and then if they have the right kidney,

then they have the surgery...

- Can you believe it?
- Yeah.

No donor. No donor.

Oh, god. My luck.

With all the people I know.

Oh, god.

What about your relatives?

They're the ones who're supposed to be doing it 'cause they have the same blood and all that.

Didn't you have some idiot cousin living out here or something?

- Louis Lewis?
- Louis Lewis.

- Please.
- What about him?

Might as well be called Manson Manson.

He's a nutcase. He's... he works at jack in the box and...

Jack in the box. I was just there the other night.

Had a jumbo jack...

Pretty good.

I'm glad you liked it.

So did you ask this Louis Lewis? What did he say?

He says he wants to donate all of his organs after he dies,

but not a minute before.

Thank you, Louis Lewis.

Doesn't help me any.

Schmuck.

I'm gonna have to get on that kidney list like everybody else.

Shit.

I mean, the only other option is if...

you know, if a... if a... if a good friend

or a buddy comes through. Then I'm golden.

I don't know what to do.

Just the test isn't gonna hurt you.

I gotta choose healthier friends.

This is no good.

The next time there's any sign of anything wrong with any of my friends...

if I think they're gonna be going to the hospital, any sign of anything, I'm just...

- I'm just gonna drop them like a hot potato.
- Smart.

And you too. I mean, as soon as you get sick,

- I'm out. You know that, right?
- I'm glad you're bringing it up 'cause it's...

- Well, I mean, come on.
- No, it's nice to know.

- Yeah, and I'm giving you...
- Although,

I thought that that's what the whole deal was.

- It's one of the reasons you get married.
- Normally, that is the deal, but we...

we're losing the sickness and heath clause.

- I'm out if anything's wrong with you.
- Okay.

- And look, same for you.
- Thank you.

- You go too, as soon as...
- I will.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- I can't be around illness.
- But for now?

- Freaks me out, okay?
- But for now?

It'll be such a nice gesture and he'd really appreciate it.

All right, I'll take the test.

- I think you're doing the right thing.
- Yeah, great.

- He's going to feel very good about that.
- Yeah, I know.

You're a very sweet friend.

It's very sweet.

Good night.

What are you doing?

How 'bout a nice snuggle here?

I know, but your snuggle always leads to sex.

So what's wrong with that? Why shouldn't it lead to sex?

Sometimes you just want to snuggle and you don't want to have sex.

What's the advantage of that?

Because it's nice. You connect and it's warm and sweet.

- Okay, let's just snuggle, come on.
- You can do that?

- Yeah, absolutely.
- Without it turning into anything?

- Yeah, we'll just snuggle.
- See? It's sweet. That's nice.

See...

How nice it is?

- Okay, what are you doing?
- What? What?!

- That's exactly what I'm talking about.
- What's the problem?!

- The ass is part of my snuggle.
- No, it's not.

- It is!
- Okay, then good night.

We'll snuggle another time.

It's just... it's just a lever.

Good night.

I'm using the ass as a lever to draw you in.

That's all.

and it gets... the snuggle tighter.

Good night.

- Richard Lewis's office.
- Larry David calling.

Sure. What's this regarding?

It's regarding his kidney transplant.

What?

It's regarding his kidney transplant.

Mr. Lewis is getting a kidney transplant?

What?

- What are you saying?
- He didn't say anything to me about it.

You didn't know about this?

- Are you kidding?
- Oh my god!

He didn't tell you this?

He didn't tell you that there was a problem with his kidneys?

- No, he didn't tell me anything!
- How could he have not told you about this?!

I don't know, but he didn't tell me anything about this!

Oh jeez.

You asked me what it was regarding!

I didn't know it was going to be about something like this!

But I... I wouldn't have said anything! You asked me!

I could have sworn he told... I figured he told you!

He didn't say anything to me.

Oh my god.

- Take it easy.
- No.

Could you tell him I called?

- Okay.
- Thanks.

What did you do to my assistant?

- What are you talking about?
- What am I talking about?

She's freaked out, she's having a nervous breakdown,

and I think she might even quit.

It's un-fucking-believable. Why would you do that?

She asked me what the phone call was regarding!

- It's personal!
- She asked what it's regarding, I told her!

Jeez, what am I going to do? She was a basket case.

Christ's sake.

What am I going to do?

Hey, um, first of all, I want to tell you that, uh...

I thought about our conversation and, uh...

I'll, uh,

I'll take the test.

- Big fucking deal.
- That's it?!

I mean, you're my friend.

Yesterday you should have jumped right on it.

You're right, you're right, but I'm making up...

I'm making it up now. I wanna take the test.

Just close your eyes and think if it was reversed

you'd be really bummed out.
- Let me do that.

I'm closing my eyes, but now I'm asking you...

the situation's reversed.

- I need the kidney.
- Yeah?

What are you saying? Would you take the test?

- I'd probably want to leap at it.
- Probably leap at it?

- I...
- You'd leap out the window.

Let me just say this: I would have gone on record at the deli.

Hello.

Yeah, this is Larry David.

Yeah, I was at a jack in the box.

Yeah. Pete.

Oh, Christ. Really?

Well, what's the address?

So, um, you know, I've decided to take the test.

- The kidney test for Lewis?
- Oh, good for you.

That's really noble.

- It's the right thing to do.
- Yeah.

- Absolutely.
- Absolutely.

I was kind of wondering why you're not doing it.

- Why should I do it?
- Well, you're his manager.

You're his friend. Why shouldn't you do it?

A lot of people who have managers and friends need kidneys.

What does that have to do with anything?

I don't even know what that means.

- You're his friend. You're his manager.
- Yeah yeah?

You're close to him. You should be taking the test too.

You're his oldest and closest friend.

So it's a question of longevity? That's it?

Yeah, you're his oldest and closest friend.

- That makes the most sense.
- If you're married to your wife for three years

and I've known her for 20,

who should give your wife the kidney?

I've known her longer.

By your logic, I'm the one who should be giving your wife a kidney.

If my wife needs a kidney, you can give it to her.

Oh, okay, so it's longevity no matter what,

even if you're married to her.

No, I'm saying you seemed like you want to give her a kidney,

so I'm gonna let you.

You know, I'm loathe to mention this, okay,

but you are an employee of mine.

Okay, you're really reaching now.

- You're desperate, aren't you?
- A little.

Yeah, I know. You don't want to give up your kidney.

- No, why should I?
- I know. Well why should I?

- Why should I?
- Well, why should I?

- Cause if I am, you should too.
- When did that rule come into effect?

- What's wrong with it?
- It's not a good rule.

- It's a good rule.
- No, you have to draw a line.

Kidneys is past the line.

- Hey.
- Mr. Jones!

Mr. David, what are you doing here?

It's kind of a long story, but I had a burger with a...

at a jack in the box with some guy and now I'm his alibi.

Apparently, I've got to spot him in a line-up or something.

- I don't know.
- Right.

- Really, that's not the issue here.
- It's true, uh-huh.

- Actually, I have a bone to pick with you.
- Me?

I mean, do you have something against receptionists?

You know I called up,

I was very polite and respectful, and she wants to know what it's regarding.

- I don't see how it's her business...
- I had talk her into staying.

I'm a private eye, not a psychologist.

She comes into my office crying,

you know, wondering what's going on.

She's a part of my business. There's a certain factor...

Still, it's not you.

I mean, what if you were a psychiatrist and she said "what is it regarding?"

- There's protocol.
- And I say "I'm planning on killing myself.

I want to talk to him."
- It helps me save time

and we like to ask those questions so that we're very prepared

when the phone call does get to me.

Okay. I'm sorry if I did anything that...

Hopefully we can we can avoid these conflicts, you know?

How's the adoption thing coming?

I'm working on some things. I have some really nice leads

and I should have something to you soon.

- Really? No kidding.
- Pretty soon.

- Omar, good to see you.
- Hey, Ray, how you doing?

- How's Ellen?
- She's good. She's pregnant again.

- Really? Third one.
- You Mr. Greene?

- Mr. David.
- Mr. David. Ray.

- That's... that's Mr. Greene.
- This is Larry?

- That's Mr. Greene.
- I'm Mr. David.

- You guys ever do a line-up?
- No.

Piece of cake. They can't see you and there's nothing to worry about. Come with me.

All right, gentlemen, if you'll come in, please?

I changed my mind.

- Move up to the glass please.
- I'll take the test.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

- Good for you.
- I'll take the test. Who knows?

You're taking the test, I'll take the test.

Gentlemen, could I have you step up to the glass please?

That's very nice, very nice. He'll be very happy.

- No hurry here.
- All right, there he is.

Second from the right. That's him.

- Number two.
- Yeah.

- You're certain of that?
- Pete.

- That's Pete?
- That's Pete.

- That's the gentleman you had dinner with.
- Uh-huh. Yeah.

- What time of evening was this?
- 10:15.

- 10:15?
- Yeah, 10:15.

- That's a late dinner.
- My mother used to call it a late night snack.

Dinner's between 5:00 and 8:00 generally.

- And this was with number two?
- Yeah, 5:00 and 8:00.

You could start at 8:00 though.

You know who Peter is?

He's a...

he worked alongside of a dental hygienist. I know that.

- And he did some landscaping.
- Yeah, I don't think so.

Are you gentlemen used to hanging out with known felons?

'Cause number two is Peter Hagen,

aka Peter the Tork,

Peter the Crybaby,

Wendell the conspirator,

Joshua Lancel Stigmeyer.

You two gentlemen shared a meal

with number two on the 23rd...

approximately 10:15 P.M.

- Is that correct?
- Yes.

All right.

Let him go. You're done here, gentlemen.

How do I let you talk me into this?

What was I thinking?

Who needs this?

I have good news, gentlemen.

Both of your blood types are compatible with Mr. Lewis

for his kidney transplant.

Good night, nurse.

Good night.

It's just a saying.

- I never heard of it.
- It's an old one.

- That's nice.
- It is.

- I know it is.
- Do you?

- Do you?
- I do.

- Good for you.
- It is good for me.

- Oh you think so?
- I know so.

- I'm glad.
- So am I.

- That makes two of us.
- So you say.

So I did.

Well, how are we gonna decide?

we could...

we could play bingo.

Bingo?

- You know, it's... it's fair.
- Me play you in bingo?

That's like asking me to play golf against Tiger Woods.

- Play you in bingo?
- What? It's fair... it's a fair game.

No, thank you. No. No.

Doesn't he have a... a cousin?

Louis Lewis.

What's going on there?

He doesn't want to give up his kidney until he's dead.

Louis Lewis.

All right, you know what?

We'll just let Lewis decide. How about that?

Fine, let Lewis decide.

- Yeah, sure sure.
- I'll abide by his decision. Will you?

Yeah, most definitely, most definitely.

- I'm for that, I'm for that.
- Okay.

- Let's shake on that.
- Sure sure.

Sure. No campaigning.

- No. No campaigning.
- No campaigning.

I don't want to find out you've been calling him up and saying,

- "Oh, he's a lot thinner than I am."
- Find out that I've been saying?!

Oh, I'm more likely to do it than you?

Hey, Mr. David.

First of all, I'm really sorry about the other day.

I really had no idea that you didn't know about that.

I'm... I never would have said anything, obviously.

Is he... is he in?

He's on the phone with Jeff right now.

Well, what's it regarding?

- I don't know.
- Hmm.

- You didn't ask?
- Nope.

I wonder if he's campaigning in there.

Oh, jeez.

- He didn't even tell me now.
- Now, you would have found out eventually.

No, you... you would have... oh, jeez.

I'm sure he was gonna tell you.

No, don't... don't cry.

Oh, poor thing.

Oh, jeez.

Oh my gosh.

Oh dear.

It's all right, it's okay.

Don't... don't worry.

I'm sure he was gonna tell you.

Yeah, no, don't worry.

There there, it's okay.

- Wait, what are you doing?
- What?

- What was that?
- What are you talking about?

What the hell, man? Why did you touch my hair?

I was consoling.

- I was consoling you.
- That wasn't consoling.

Touching hair is part of my consolation routine.

No, it's really weird.

- You're being really inappropriate.
- What? Inappropriate?

- Yeah, you were.
- Are you crazy?

Hey, what is this? Again?! Again?!

She's... she's crazy! I was consoling her!

- He was coming on to me!
- I wasn't coming on...

- Are you a sociopath?!
- I was consoling her and I touched her hair.

No you weren't! He was coming on to me!

- That's such baloney!
- I'm leaving.

I was consoling her. I touched her hair.

- I'm leaving.
- She thinks that's coming on, she's nuts.

What... what a whack job.

Are you kidding me?!

I was consoling her! I was touching her hair.

- That's ridiculous!
- Mm-hmm.

She thinks I'm coming on to her? Get out of here.

Get the hell out of here.

- You think she's leaving or quitting?
- That's a good question.

I don't know. She said she's leaving.

- Oh, what a hassle.
- Is that leaving or quitting?

- I don't know.
- Same thing happened with Cheryl.

She said she was leaving. I thought she was leaving me.

She's just going out to have lunch with her friend.

Cheryl... right now, look at this... are you...

You really have evidenced some pretty erratic behavior.

Get out of here. I was touching her hair. She's crazy.

- Unbelievable.
- So um...

Did you get the news?

- Thanks. Yeah yeah.
- How about that?

I'm a lucky man...

I'm a lucky man to have two of you guys come through for me. Thank you.

- Hey, far out.
- So there you go. You've got your choice.

- Two... two kidneys.
- Wow!

- Of course...
- I'm very grateful, man.

You know, I...

I am considerably older than him.

And I'm not gonna...

I don't want to get into that whole game. But, you know, he's...

there's a difference when you're younger, obviously.

Nah, a kidney's a kidney's a kidney.

I'm not so sure about that, but you know, whatever.

His are bigger too.

It's a big hefty kidney, could just handle a big load I think, you know?

You could start drinking again if you wanted to with that thing.

- That, uh that...
- Well, you know in case...

hurts my feelings a little bit, buddy.

- 11 years sober.
- Maybe not that.

- Thank you.
- But, you know, uh...

that's all.

And then the fact that, you know, there's a lot about me that

when I got out of college, you don't know about. I really didn't know you then, so...

Please, I've been through everything.

Well, I don't think you did what I did, but...

- Trust me. Times 30.
- Uh, you're not really getting my drift.

- Listen, it... you're both a match?
- Yeah.

I don't care how you figure it out. You know what? Flip a coin, man.

Eeny meeny miney moe.

What do I care?

- Okay.
- All right?

And stay away from her, will you?

Whack job.

I got to start with me.

Eeny meeny miney moe, catch a tiger by the toe.

If he hollers, let him go. My mother says to pick this one

and out goes y-o-U.

Start with me. Start with me.

Start with me.

Okay, I'm gonna flip this coin and this will be the kidney decider, all right?

Why don't we do eeny meeny?

- I thought we were gonna do a coin flip.
- Let's do eeny meeny.

- We agreed on a coin flip.
- I think I'd rather do eeny meeny.

- Fine.
- We'll do eeny meeny miney moe.

- Let's just do it, okay?
- Fine.

- All right, go.
- All right.

And before we go, I want to say something to you guys and I mean this.

I admire the both of you.

What you're doing is an unbelievable act of friendship.

I just wish I had a kidney match so I could be involved.

Well, you haven't taken the test.

Are you ready to do eeny meeny?

- Yeah.
- Do you want to take the test?

No, I don't think I'm a match anyway. Let's just do eeny meeny.

Who wants to be eeny?

- I'll be eeny.
- Yeah, you can be eeny.

- Okay.
- He'll be eeny.

How come you want me to be eeny?

No, it's good. You should be eeny.

That's what you want, right?

Don't you want to be eeny?

Want me to be eeny?
Do you want me to be eeny?

- I'll be eeny. I'll be eeny.
- Okay.

Okay, here we go.

Eeny meeny miney moe, catch a tiger by the toe.

If he hollers, let him go.

My mother says to pick this one

and out goes y-o-U.

Yeah yeah yeah!

- What are you excited about?
- No, what do you mean?

- What are you so happy about?
- I won!

- No, you lost!
- Out goes y-o-u!

No, you lost! You're out. You're it.

- No no no no no.
- Yes yes.

No, out goes y-o-U.

- You're the loser.
- You're the loser.

- You're the loser.
- No, you're the loser.

- Tell him, tell him, tell him.
- Hold on a minute.

Out goes y-o... U give the kidney.

- You give the kidney.
- No no no.

You stupid idiots! You don't even know how to play eeny meeny miney moe.

- We're idiots?!
- I don't know how to play eeny meeny?

- Ya don't know the first thing about eeny!
- Y-o-U. You're out.

- No, I'm safe.
- What the hell is all this screaming about?

- Lose with dignity.
- All right, wait a second.

- We're playing eeny meeny miney moe, okay?
- Yeah.

- Out goes y-o-U.
- Right, you're it.

- Who's it?
- You're it.

- Out goes y-o-U.
- No, that person's safe.

- He's you.
- No, and out goes y-o-U.

You're it. You're it.

- You're it. You lose.
- You fucking idiots here!

What are we talking about anyway? Losing what?

They're giving a kidney to Richard Lewis.

- He's the one.
- He lost.

Excuse me, you're not giving your fucking kidney.

What if one your kids needs a kidney one day?

You're gonna give a kidney to Richard Lewis?

No no no!

- You'll give it to 'em.
- I might not be the match Larry.

He needs his kidney, number one. Number two, he's a fat fuck.

- He can't even survive the surgery.
- How do you know he can't survive the surgery?

You are healthy and thin. You're giving the kidney.

End of discussion, moot point.

Out goes y-o-U.

So I'm out.

I'm the winner.

No, that means you're out and the other people stay in.

That's if you're playing with more than two.

If you're playing with just two people,

then the one who's out is the winner... out goes y-o-U.

I'm out, he's in.

- He's the winner.
- Have you ever played eeny meeny miney moe?

- Yeah, I have.
- Have you?

That's how it works.

Listen, I grew up with eeny meeny miney moe...

- grew up with it.
- I did too!

I know the rules of the game.

I think you're being a baby right now.

You know, it's totally unfair.

I take care of myself all these years...

the diet, the exercise, the whole thing,

for what?

I'd have been better off just eating crap and smoking.

That's what I should have been doing all these years...

eating crap and smoking.

Maybe this is why you were saved when you were drowning that day.

Maybe this is...

the reason.

- Oh really?
- Yeah.

Oh, he saved me so I can give up a kidney?

That's why?

If he wants to get so involved,

why doesn't he just fix his kidney tonight while he's sleeping...

instead of going through all this drowning-saving business?

Well, I think you're doing the right thing.

Don't you feel good about doing this for Richard?

- No.
- Yes you do.

I don't. I feel awful.

Think about how he's feeling right now.

He feels good.

- Well, doesn't that make you feel good?
- No.

- Well, you should.
- I don't.

- You're gonna be okay.
- I'm not.

- Yes you are.
- No I'm not.

I'm not gonna let anything happen to you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Aww.
- Thank you.

Okay, you're welcome. I'll be here.

I'm not gonna let anything happen to you...

- What are you doing?
- What?

- What?
- You're turning consolation into sex?

Well, that's the ultimate form of consolation.

- No, it's not.
- Yeah, sure it is.

Okay, just forget it.

You were consoling me and that's... that's consolation to me.

Sex is consolation.

Isn't that consolation? No?

This has been the third hold-up of a jack in the box

in the past two months.

Police believe that the suspect, Peter Hagen, is responsible...

Hey, that's that guy Pete... the guy I got out of jail.

The victim of the shooting in this case, a Mr. Louis Lewis...

cousin of actor-comedian Richard Lewis,

is in a coma and is not expected to survive.

This is Kelvin Han Yee live from Studio City.