Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 5, Episode 4 - Kamikaze Bingo - full transcript

Larry offends a Japanese art dealer by implying that his father was not a real Kamikaze pilot. Later, Larry accuses his own dad's retirement home of fixing their bingo game.

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Episode 5x04 : Kamikaze Bingo

Ahh, chicken teriyaki boy!

Chicken teriyaki boy!

- Gentlemen!
- Chicken.

I loved it when it was so big, you know?

Until today, I never even thought about that,

you know 'cause usually...

- Hello!
- Hello.

You remember Yoshi.

- Yoshi!
- Hello, nice to see you.

I like that, a little bow.



See that?

- I did.
- I love that bow.

I am nuts about that bow.

It humbles you.

And we've got so many cocky people in this country.

They need the humility of the bow here.

- It's big in Japan.
- You should see...

some of the sculptures that we saw today.

- Really?
- Mmhm, there's one that I think will be

perfect in our house once we get back to it.

- Tell him about...
- We're looking for a big penis.

Did they have anything at the gallery?

- Uh, not quite, no.
- He's... no.

- With some big balls...
- Okay, we've actually been talking...



- that's nice.
- ...seriously about art, and it's not...

look at this.

"Cofey was here".

What kind of moron is this Cofey,

carving his nick... I mean, what is that?
- It's a shame.

- Yeah, it's very childish.
- Takes a knife out and carves into the table?

- Inappropriate.
- How inappropriate is that?

Hey, by the way,

my dad and your dad are becoming very friendly in that nursing home.

- Yes, yes.
- Oh no, isn't that cute?

It was just his 80th birthday party.

We took him to Japan.

- No kidding?
- Really?

Yes, he hadn't been back since the war.

He saw some of his family...

- oh my gosh.
- ...and some of his military buddies

- from the air force.
- He was in the war?

What did he do in the war?

- He was a pilot.
- Really? What kind of a pilot?

- A kamikaze pilot.
- Wow.

Wouldn't he be dead?

Um, not all of them died.

I know, but kamikaze pilot

kind of implies that...

you know a kamikaze pilot is a pilot who crashed and died, right?

- But he didn't.
- He survived, yes.

- Thank goodness for that.
- He survived?

- Here's to... what did you say?
- Kanpai.

But what happened exactly?

Did he try and crash the plane into a ship?

Ahem, he grazed the ship.

Okay.

- All right.
- All right, he grazed the ship.

He grazed it.

Is that because there was some kind of malfunction with the plane?

It doesn't really matter. He grazed it...

- I'm just curious.
- ...and he lived, and...

- and he is alive.
- And he's alive.

Yeah, but at the last second, what happened?

Was he coming down, all of a sudden, he said,

"Jesus, this kamikaze business might not be for me".

"I think maybe I'll... go back to base"?

- Okay, you know, it's...
- Was is something like that, huh?

So what happened at the last second there?

I'm uncertain.

You know what's good is the rainbow roll,

because it gives you a little bit of everything. Hi.

- Are you ready to order?
- Yes.

I will have the chicken teriyaki.

Chicken teriyaki.

Chicken!

Chicken.

Chicken!

How about you, Yosh? A little chicken?

So, you know, I hired a private investigator

to find out if I'm adopted.
- What do you care now for?

Isn't the damage done already

- from your parents?
- I wouldn't want to know, to be honest with you.

Hey, how's Lewis? You hear from Lewis?

He's... something wrong with his kidney.

Oh yeah? What, like a stone or something?

I don't know what he's got. He's getting tests.

- Fold your card.
- I don't know anything about it

- I just know he's concerned.
- He gets so worked up.

- It doesn't surprise me.
- He doesn't look that good.

I'm in.

I'm going to present to you a nice little straight with a seven high.

- It's no good. I got a flush.
- Thank you very much.

- Again?
- I think it's a trick deck.

- Yeah, that's a nice hand.
- He was born to poker players

and given up for adoption.

- Here are some pretzels.
- Oh, thank you.

Did the pizza place call by any chance?

Hey, what happened, isn't your brother playing?

- Yeah, where's Yoshi?
- Yeah, what happened to your brother?

- He told me last night he was coming.
- Yeah, Yoshi's supposed to be here.

But I can't get a hold of him. Maybe he's stuck in traffic.

Hey, so our fathers are becoming very friendly

at the nursing home.
- Really?

- We should all get together sometime.
- Absolutely!

I'll be there tomorrow.

- I'm gonna play a little bingo.
- Maybe your father.

- Bingo is the only thing in the world...
- I'm gonna check on pizza.

that I feel any sense of optimist about.

- You play bingo?
- When I play I actually think I'm gonna win.

Isn't that insane?

- Do you win?
- I do win.

- it's completely random.
- I know it's random.

- I have a winning percentage that defies logic.
- Nobody does !

You win more often than the other people?

- Yes, exactly.
- He gets more diagonals than anybody.

What? Oh my god.

What...

Cedars sinai, okay. We'll be right there. Bye.

- What's wrong?
- Mayuki, Yoshi tried to commit suicide.

- What?!
- He tried to commit suicide. Cedars sinai.

I gotta leave. I'll be back.

Get the coat, get the coat.

- Keys keys keys.
- Yes, it's in here.

Let's go.

Suicide?

- Jeez Louise!
- Oh wow.

I just saw him last night.

We had dinner with him.

- You did?
- Really...

Did he seem weird?

- No.
- Was he nervous? Was he anxious?

Could he have lost face or have been ashamed or humiliated or anything?

So...

what should we do?

Well, you know,

we're here.
- We are here.

That's true, because, you know,

I had to really finagle to get out tonight.

I'm kinda happy to be anywhere.

And you know, we can't leave the house.

- It's... they're gone.
- We don't have keys.

And we don't know the alarm code or anything.

- And a pizza is coming.
- Got a pizza coming, yeah.

And he tried, he didn't actually kill himself, he just tried.

That's a very good distinction. Because if he said he tried to...

That means he didn't, which means he's alive.

- He's here.
- Thank god.

- A pair of fours.
- I'm gonna see what else is in the fridge.

What the hell is going on?

- Hey.
- How's Yoshi?

- You're still playing?
- Yeah.

- I took an orange.
- You want some pizza?

What are you doing here?

What do you mean?

Yoshi's in the hospital. He tried to commit suicide!

- How's he doing?
- He's okay, right?

How's he doing?! He almost killed himself!

- I know!
- We figured it was...

- I told you guys we should leave.
- You figured what?

- You never said that.
- I said we should leave !

- Hey, get out!
- You ordered another pizza!

- Get the fuck out. Get out, get out!
- What?

It's over. It's over. Out.

Out. Out. It's over. It's over.

- Leave. Leave.
- We didn't even settle up!

- Can we settle up?
- Out!

- I was up about $400.
- Let's go. Out. Out.

- Man, oh man.
- Let's go.

Pizza was coming, it would have been rude to leave a pizza guy...

It would have been rude to stop and pick it up on your way home, too.

We didn't know your alarm code.

I don't have an alarm!

Did Yoshi mention my name?

- He's got tubes coming out of his mouth.
- Okay.

- That means no.
- All right.

- Get the fuck out.
- All right.

Say hello for me if you see him.

Oh my god, did you hear what happened to Yoshi?

Yeah, he's okay, though. He didn't... he's fine.

Thank god!

Yeah.

- How do you know?
- He sent me a suicide email.

A suicide email?!

He had some things he wanted to say before he...

What did he say?

It's very private, Larry.

Hey, we're married, you know.

It's part of the whole marriage thing.

I have to tell you, when you get married,

you not only get the sex, but you get all the other stuff too.

All the information from the wife who doesn't hold any secrets.

If he wanted you to see it, he would have copied you.

Did he copy other people?

He cc'd a few people, yes.

Are you kidding?!

I wanna know. What did he say?

Stop it!

I'll delete it. I'll just delete it.

Stop it, get off me.

N-44.

- Four four!
- You're so noisy.

- One to go.
- I don't believe it.

- Need one!
- G-41.

- G-41.
- 41, yeah.

- G-41.
- Not in my purview.

Not in my purview.

I -20.

- I-20.
- I-20?

- I-20.
- Bingo!

Oh, he has...

- Oh my!
- Bingo.

- I don't believe it.
- Bingo.

- All right.
- Let me see, let me...

You're not the checker. Lenore is the checker.

- Lenore, Lenore, check this out.
- Bingo. Watch.

Let's see it. Okay...

Okay, I'm sorry, sir.

I did not call I-17.

- What are you talking about?
- No, I never did.

- I-17, yeah, I-17.
- That is not correct.

- I did not call I-17.
- You... excuse me, excuse me...

Cheat.

- All right, just be patient.
- You called I-17. Let me see that pad.

- No, you're not gonna see this pad.
- Why? Let me take a look at it!

- Nobody checks out this pad.
- Why can't I check out your pad?

- Because I never let anyone look at my pad.
- Really? Aha.

- She never does.
- Good for you, Lenore.

we're going to continue with the game.

Just try to relax.

You gotta listen to her. She knows what she's doing.

Well, listen, she's my friend.

G-55.

- What's the number? I don't know the number.
- Bingo!

Oh, she... oh, she has... bingo!

Ruthie, do we have bingo?

- B-I-N-G-O!
- Let me see, Ruthie.

- There it is.
- Oh, well...

she has the bingo.

- Oh yes, perfect!
- Yes, of course.

- Ruthie gets a dollar!
- Ha-ha, I won a dollar!

I won, everybody! I won!

- Oh, sit down. Sit down.
- Bingo!

I had bingo. You all know I had bingo.

And I won your dollar.

There's something fishy going on in this place.

I'm gonna buy you a piece of cheesecake.

Thank you very much. I love cheesecake.

I had bingo!

...101.

Actually I took the 110

- up to the... through the pass.
- Oh, hey.

Hello.

Hey, my wife tells me Yoshi's doing great.

Yeah, he's fine. He's home now.

Good news! Fantastic.

Let me ask you something.

Have you ever played in that bingo game?

Have you ever noticed anything strange going on there?

I need to talk to you, Larry.

Don't, don't try to get involved.

Don't try to pretend you're concerned.

- I was concerned.
- Concerned?

When we went to the hospital, I come back,

you guys are all still playing poker, smoking cigars and eating pizza.

That's precisely why we were there, because we were concerned.

We wanted to show you support, so when you got home your buddies would be there

and you're turning it into a bad thing.

Yoshi tried to commit suicide,

and you just completely put it out of your head.

We didn't put it out of our head.

We thought of it between hands.

Here's what you should be concerned about...

you're the reason why Yoshi tried to commit suicide.

Come on, how's that possible?

The whole kamikaze thing.

I was curious about it, so I asked.

Excuse me for having a curious mind that asks questions of people.

I'm curious about how you can be a kamikaze pilot

and still be alive.

There's a lot of kamikaze pilots that are still alive.

You say that, and I say to you,

they are not kamikaze pilots.

"He grazed the ship".

That sounds to me like

"I think I might head home. This is fucking insane".

You taunted him, you called him chicken.

I didn't call him chicken,

- I ordered chicken!
- You called him chicken.

I ordered chicken, you idiot. There's the difference.

Here's the difference :

"You're a chicken".
"I'll have some chicken".

"You're a chicken".
"I'd like a piece of chicken".

Well, he understood it as you calling him a chicken.

He must have taken it the wrong way.

And what about you coming and sweeping the chips off the table?

You cost me a lot of money.

I know for a fact you were down $300.

You actually owe me $300 if you wanna get technical about it.

I'll tell you what. I'll get your chips back,

you'll get your money back, but you're gotta do one thing...

you gotta call Yoshi at home, he's home right now

and apologize for the whole kamikaze statement

and the chicken thing.
- Okay, I will.

- Okay. I'm gonna call him and apologize.
- Okay.

I'll use my dad's phone.

Hello.

Oh, hey, Yoshi, this is Larry David.

Oh, hello Larry.

I'm actually...

I'm calling to apologize.

I'm sorry if I said anything that might have been inappropriate.

I didn't... I didn't really mean anything...

to happen. I was just kinda curious...

...with the whole kamikaze thing.

- You know, I hope...
- Are you eating something?

I'm eating pistachio nuts.

You're eating pistachio nuts while you're apologizing to me?

Yes, so?

You can't be sincere about apologizing and then snack on pistachio nuts!

What? I can eat and apologize.

There's no pistachio crunching in apologizing.

I respectfully disagree. I've snacked and apologized many times in the past

and everyone's always accepted it quite graciously.

Well that might be the way you do things in your family,

but we don't snack and apologize...
- What, is that a Japanese thing?

No! No, that's a human thing...

Hey, did you mention me in that suicide email?

- Hi.
- Oh Larry, I'm glad to see you.

- How are you, Dr. Skadden?
- I'm good. How's your dad?

- I think he's doing well.
- If think he's doing real well.

I'm gonna write him a little prescription though.

- Maybe you want to have it filled.
- Okay.

A little blood thinner.

You know, I'm kinda glad I ran into you.

I wanna talk to you a little bit about something that happened to me today.

- And let's keep this between the two of us, okay?
- Sure.

In the bingo game today...

I won, I yelled "bingo".

Lenore, the woman who runs the game, came over,

looked at my card and said she didn't call one of the numbers.

Now look, I can hear better than anybody in that room, okay?

She called my number.

I listen, I pay attention.

I'm a good bingo player.

A minute later Ruth wins.

Lenore came over, and she gives the dollar to her friend.

And don't tell me, after that game

her friend Ruthie wasn't giving her 50?, all right?

I won that game, fair and square. Fair and square.

Okay, so Larry, you think lenore is taking kick-back

from calling the numbers? Is that what you're saying?

Yes, I think the bingo game is fixed.

I think Lenore...

is either in cahoots with Ruth or maybe even a few other people. I don't even know.

You know what you should do?

Take off your little smock here,

take off your tie, sit in on a game,

keep your ears open. Keep your ears open. Listen,

to see who's winning at the bingo game.

You want me to go undercover to play bingo? Is that what you're saying?

Do you know anything about this game, doctor,

that you're not telling me?

I know the bingo is for the residents, Larry.

And I know it takes place on wednesdays and fridays.

That's what I know, and I know they enjoy it.

Well, in a week or two, you're gonna come up to me and go,

"Larry, you know what?"

"You were right about that bingo game".

- I will check into it.
- Good, that's all I ask.

That's all I ask. Just ask around.
- I'll be happy to.

Do a little check into it. That's all I ask.

- I'm not asking a lot.
- No, not at all.

- Thank you. Okay.
- Okay, Larry.

- You have a good day.
- You too.

- Hello.
- How are you?

I'm well.

- I have a prescription.
- Okay.

Is this for you?

- No, it's for my father.
- Father.

Blood thinner.

You know, there's another drug out on the market

that I personally like a lot better.

- Really?
- Yeah.

My patients are...

they're a lot happier with the other drug.

If you like, I could write it down for you.

But the doctor prefers this one.

Yes,

but I prefer the other one.

But he likes this one.

But I like that one.

Doctor...

pharmacist.

Doctor!

Pharmacist.

I'll go with the pharmacist.

- I'm going with the pharmacist.
- Yes, sir.

I'm taking this to the doctor,

I'm getting a new prescription

and I'll be back, Mr. Pharmacist.

- I'm glad.
- I'm going with you.

Thank you, sir.

Hey Larry, how are you?

Any progress on, uh...

the bingo... the bingo business?

- No, no word on the bingo.
- Nothin'?

Nothin'.

Keep your eye on this Ruth.

- Ruth?
- Yeah, Ruth.

She's bad news, I'm telling you.

There's something about this woman I don't trust at all.

I don't know how she got into this place. Don't they have a screening process of some kind?

Yes, Larry, we screen them to make sure they're old and sick and need care.

Well, she's got some kind of personality disorder I think.

Well, she's on a lot of medication.

You think that's an excuse really?

That's like the twinkie defense.

- I'll continue to investigate, Larry.
- Okay.

Um, one other thing.

I just came from the pharmacist.

He kinda wants to go a different way with the medication.

Sorta disagreed with you.

- The pharmacist?
- Yeah, he wrote...

he wrote out a drug here. I don't know what it is,

but I need a prescription from you...

for... for this.

You need a prescription from me for something the pharmacist has suggested?

He was quite passionate about it.

You know, he deals with this stuff all the time.

I'm a doctor, Larry.

Well, he's a pharmacist.

Yes, and I'm a doctor.

He's a pharmacist.

Doctor.

Pharmacist.

Doctor.

Pharmacist.

Fine, you go with the pharmacist.

Okay. Thank you.

- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome. Have yourself a nice day.

Thank you!

Oh yes, fuck me!

I want your cock.

Oh, fuck me! It feels so good, oh!

Yes, yes!

Oh, I want your big cock!

- Fuck me!
- Yes!

Oh god, yes!
Oh!

Fuck me! Fuck me!

Yes! Oh my god!

Yeah! Fuck yeah!

Whoo! Yeah!

Dad!

Dad, I'm coming in.

Shh shh.

You... I can hear it in the lobby, this thing!

So what? I can't hear, you know?

- It's too loud!
- It's very hard for me.

I can't hear. Please...

Oh, you turned it off.

Come on.

We can't watch porno together.

I don't think...

we don't have that kind of relationship yet.

But you ruined it for me now.

- Sorry.
- All right.

- Hey, that bingo game...
- Yeah.

Something's fishy.

- What are you talking about? About bingo?
- You noticed anything strange going on in that...

...like Ruthie, does she win a lot?

Of course she wins a lot. This woman is a winner.

She wins a lot?

Yes, of course she wins a lot.

- She plays a lot...
- Come in.

Hello there, Nattie!

- Hello, Ruthie. Come on.
- Good afternoon.

- Yes, hello.
- Come, sit down. We'll sit, we'll talk a little bit.

This is wonderful.

So what are you two guys talking about?

- To tell you the truth, he has some crazy...
- Oh, you know Tanaka,

the Japanese guy, his son tried to kill himself.

But he's home from the hospital, he didn't die.

Oh yeah, good guy...

- No no, "die".
- Lie?

No, "die".

Die, die, die!

You're back.

- I am back, as promised.
- I'm glad.

I gotta tell you something.

The doctor was upset.

Doctors don't like to have their authority questioned.

I told him I had to go with the pharmacist, you know?

We see a lot of drugs.

I think this is a good choice.

Is that your name?

Cofey?

Yeah.

Have you ever been to that Japanese restaurant

- across the street?
- Oh yeah, eat there all the time.

So Cofey was there.

You could say that.

You know what, Cofey?

I think I'll go with the doctor.

Are you gonna try some of this eel?

You know, if you wanna taste my chicken teriyaki,

you don't have to go through this charade of offering me the eel, whatever.

You know just ask me.

I don't want your chicken teriyaki, but thank you.

I know that you do. Here, take a piece.

Here, on me.

Oh, I forgot to tell you,

I was in the pharmacy...

- Yeah?
- Remember the other day when we were in here

- and I saw "Cofey was here" on the table?
- Mmm-hmm.

- Remember that?
- Yeah.

The pharmacist had a nametag that said "Cofey".

- Really?
- Yeah.

What is this with the blackberry every... all the time now?

It's really getting annoying.

Well I was listening.

- I'm supposed to be meeting Wanda...
- All you do all day long is this blackberry thing.

Well she... 'cause she was gonna tell me when her break was.

- I'm gonna stop by and visit her.
- You're supposed to be talking to me.

- I... I...
- We're having lunch, you know.

I... the coffee.

All right, I'm going to the bathroom.

Okay.

Chicken teriyaki boy!

Chicken! Chicken!

Stop it!

Yoshi! Yoshi!

- Chicken teriyaki boy!
- That's just great.

Cofey is here!

{\a3}Cofey is here!

{\a1}Cofey is here!

{\a3}Cofey is here!

{\a1}Cofey is here!

{\a3}Cofey!

{\a1}Cofey!

Hey!

You told everyone in the restaurant that Yoshi was a chicken.

I'm chicken teriyaki boy.

That's my nickname, 'cause I always order chicken teriyaki.

So whenever I go in, they go, "oh, chicken teriyaki boy"!

And they call you that.

Yes, that's my name.

- What's going on?
- What's my name in this place?

- Chicken teriyaki boy.
- I'm chicken teriyaki boy.

Nobody has that kind of nickname.

And I kept up my end of the bargain so fork over the money you owe me.

- No, you have not.
- What? I apologized.

He said you were eating something on the phone.

You're not allowed to eat pistachio nuts when you apologize?

By the way, were they with shells or without shells?

- They had shells.
- Okay, so you had to de-shell.

So you're not paying up?

You have not apologized to Yoshi properly.

- It's better not to eat when you apologize.
- Thank you.

I'll tell you what.

Let's go double or nothing. Bingo.

You wanna take me on in bingo?

- Tomorrow, the nursing home, 2:00.
- 2:00.

- Yeah, bingo, that's right.
- Tomorrow. Double or nothing.

Which way you wanna lose? Horizontal, vertical or diagonal?

- You have no idea where you getting into.
- Oh really?

- Yeah Don't be late.
- Don't worry, I won't.

We'll see.

Oh no!

Suicide blackberry.

- Bingo!
- Oh, all right, Alice.

I'll be right there to check you out.

- Shove over.
- Jeez, you shouldn't be here.

- What?
- You shouldn't be here.

- What are you talking about?
- Hand me one of your cards.

- All right, take it.
- Okay.

- You're late.
- I'm here.

- You're late.
- Yeah.

All right, everybody. Are we ready to start another game?

Nobody beats me at bingo.

Nobody!

Really? I haven't read about that.

B-4.

- B-4. Allright, good start!
- "B" what?

- B-4.
- Four.

I don't have four.

Wait I have...

B-11.

"B-11"

11... 11...

O-69.

- O-69.
- Okay.

O-62.

Bingo!

Bin...go!

Bingo!

Bin... go!

That's him.

He's the one that tried to kill Ruthie.

- Yes.
- What? What?

Hey hey hey hey, wait wait wait, calm down here.

No, that's ridiculous.

I didn't try to kill her.

Hey, seriously, come on.

Why would I do that?

Oh, I know what you mean. No, 'cause I was talking to my father...

he's a little deaf,

so I have to scream. I was saying, "die, die".

Kev, come on, back me up here.

Kev! Help me out!

Tell them! Kev?

Wait a second.

Sorry about the bingo game.

I really did win!

I have bingo!

I have money! Here! Here, take it.

Take it all.

Take it, take it, take...

Banzaaaiiii!