Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 5, Episode 3 - The Christ Nail - full transcript

Larry goes bra shopping for his housekeeper, but her vengeful husband Jesus doesn't like it one bit. Fortunately for Larry, the only things that can save him are a pair of noisy orthoses and a prop from Mel Gibson's "The Passion Of The Christ".

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
How do those
feel to you?

Well, they feel
pretty good.

I kinda like
these orthotics.

Yeah, they're really
going to help.

Boy, they sure
make a lot of noise.

They take a while
to work in.

Ah, Jes?s!

How are you?

- Everything okay?
- Si.

Yeah? You seem
a little down.

- No, l-I okay.
- You okay?

- Si.
- Can you do me a favor?

Small favor, okay?

Small favor...
it's hardly even a favor.

You work here, actually,
so it's part of your job.

Either way, it's still
a favor. Okay.

So I got, uh...
see this thing?

It's a Mezuzah.

Got that?
And I need you

to put it
over the door here.

This is like
a Jewish thing.

You know, we put it
over the door

so every anti-Semite in the neighborhood
will know that we live here

in case they wanna
burn down the house.

Anyway, you just need a nail.
Get a nail, hammer and a nail,

- put it up.
- Si, Mezuzah.

Yeah, Mezuzah. I don't... I don't know
what it does, really.

But anyway, because my father's
coming to visit,

he'll be upset
if he doesn't see it up there.

He's a little hard-of-hearing,
so when you talk to him,

talk loud.
He's losing his hearing.

- Okay?
- Okay.

So you just speak up
a little bit...

"Hello, hello?"

- You know.
- "Hello?

- Hello?"
- Yeah, "How do you feel, Mr. David?"

"How do you feel,
Mr. David?"

That's good.
That's good, Jes?s.

By the way, Jes?s...
Jesus... either one?

Either one, si.
It's okay.

- Same thing.
- Si.

Okay, okay.

- I do Mezuzah.
- Okay, great.

What ha... what happened
to your leg?

It hurts on the bottom
of my feet.

I have the exact
same thing!

Do you want your life
changed, Jesus?

Huh? Okay.

See this?
It's called an orthotic.

Just put 'em in the bottom
of your shoe,

and that's it.

No no no,
I do the Mezuzah...


- Try them on!
- Tell them, Maria.

Honey, what could it hurt?

It make you
feel better.

- Okay.
- All right, okay, there you go.

- Okay.
- It's a good idea. Gracias, Mr. Larry.

- De nada.
- Thank you.

De nada.
#De nada. #

- What is that noise?
- I don't know.

- Hey.
- Is that you?

- What?
- What's that noise?

Oh, the orthotics.

- Ugh...
- What?

- It's loud!
- Well, you gotta break 'em in.

It takes a little time.

They're really loud.

Well, they're very good
for my feet, I could tell you that.

- My feet feel a lot better.
- That's good.

Let me ask you

Why is it that
before you have a meal,

you do the whole cross thing,
but not for a snack.

I don't think
it applies to snacks.

I guess, otherwise you'd be
crossing all day long.

There's gotta be
a maximum number

of times somebody
can cross in a day.

Uh, I wonder
what the record is.

Have you ever seen
any crossing on a snack, ever?

- I don't think so.
- Excuse me.

I'm gonna be on the lookout
for people who cross before snacking.

What's that?

- This?
- Yeah.

This is a nail.

I bought this
on the internet.

It's from "The Passion
of the Christ."

What, are you kidding?


- Kind of interesting...
- You got one of those Christ nails

- from the movie?
- Mm-hmm, yep.

Have you seen it?

I didn't see it.

- All right, you must...
- Missed "Passion of the Christ."

- We have it on DVD.
- Wish I could have gone.

They have all kinds of
things in the internet

for "The Passion
of the Christ."

You're nuts about this
Jesus guy, aren't you?

Yeah, I have a personal
relationship with Christ.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I can see worshipping Jesus
if he were a girl.

Like if God had a daughter... Jane.
I'll worship a Jane.

- No.
- But, you know, to worship a guy...

it's like a little
kinda, you know,

it's a little gay,
isn't it?

- Okay.
- The Son of God!

- What's the matter with you?
- No, I'm just saying.

A girl...
I would worship Jane...

if he had
a daughter Jane,

I could have a relationship
with a Jane.

- He didn't have a daughter!
- It's a shame it wasn't a girl.

That's all I have to say.

- Good-Iooking woman, zaftig, you know?
- Okay.

- Good sense of humor.
- No no no.

- We got it.
- If he had a daughter, everybody...

- everybody would worship Jane.
- Stop it.

That's all I'm saying.

- Larry?
- What?

What are you doing?

- What-what are you doing?
- What? Nothing.

I was... your bra was kind of...
it was about to fall off

and I was... I was
putting it back on.

All right, and...

I felt like
you were looking at...

my size.

Oh, um...



I didn't deliberately
set out to look at the size,

but I was...
I had the bra in my hand,

and it's kind of like, you know,
if you have a driver's license

you check out the date
of birth. That's all.

- Okay.
- I checked it out.

And what'd you think?


okay, it was good.


well, while we're
on the subject,

uh, I think we're gonna
have to let Maria go.

- I cannot...
- Really?

Stand to watch her
clean room to room

without a bra.
It's very distracting.

I know, but that's
a big move.

You know, why don't you
just tell her to put a bra on?

I'm not gonna have
that conversation with someone.

I would rather
just get rid of her.

- We'll find somebody else.
- Really?

First of all, she makes the best
chicken salad.

I would really
miss that.

Well, Larry, then you're gonna have to
tell her to wear a bra

or fire her.

- If I see...
- All right, I'll tell... I'll tell her.

- I'll tell her to put the bra on.
- Okay.

I'll talk to her.
I'll talk to her, no problem.

- Okay.
- Okay?

- All right.
- I got it.

- You done with this?
- Yeah, I am.

You done?

Oh hi, I thought
you were Jes?s!

- Jes?s!
- Yeah.

- No kidding.
- Yeah, his shoes are like your shoes.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, they're very loud.

They make a lot of noise.
You gotta break them in.

Yeah, but his feet
feel really good.

- They're better?
- Si, yeah.

- Fantastic!
- Yeah, thank you.

- That's unbelievable.
- It's good.

- They fit and everything?
- MM-hmm!

- Is he happy?
- Yes.

'Cause you know,
between you and me,

- he could be quite a downer, this guy.
- Yes, I know.

He's good.

- Maria?
- Yeah?

Uh, I got a little thing
I need to talk about with you.


Cheryl and I were having a conversation
the other night.

Well, last night,

You know, we couldn't
help but notice

that, uh, you don't
wear a, uh...


Oh, no.
Don't like 'em.

Not for me.

- Not for you?
- No.


Because, you know I got
my father-in-law here.

- Mmm hmm?
- They're kind of distracting.


Yeah, a lot of
flopping going on.

- No, they don't flop...
- There's floppin'!

Don't like the support things,
they're uncomfortable.

I haven't worn one
in 15 years.

They've made some great technological
advances in bras in 15 years.

They're inviting
and cozy and cottony.

What do you call
that cotton?

That's a sneaker.

All right...
Pima! Pima!

No, I don't like 'em.

- You don't like 'em.
- Mmm mmm.

All right, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do for you.

I'm gonna buy you a bra,
how about that?

I'll buy you one, you'll
try it,

you'll put it on,
you'll see what I'm talking about.

My treat.

- Okay, I'll try it.
- You'll try it!

I'll just try it on
and let's see.

I'm gonna get you a bra.

Where are you?

I'm in the kitchen.

What the hell is that?

Oh, my orthotics.

What's the story
with that?

Well, I got these new
orthotics, you know...

- Is it always gonna sound that way?
- You need to break 'em in.

- Okay...
- But my foot?

- Yeah?
- Good night, nurse.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- How about that? Congratulations.
- Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Beer?

- Hmmm. Maybe later.
- All right, well, if you want one,

I haven't been able
to find my can opener.

I'm telling you something.
I got a housekeeper who steals.

- Really?
- Oh yeah.

So it's just a can opener,
you might not think it's much.

But everything
I look for, gone!

- Why don't you fire her?
- 'Cause I don't know for sure.

But I'm pretty sure.

- Gee, I hate to hear that.
- I know, it's horrible.

Of course, my housekeeper,
I had to tell her to wear a bra.

You had to tell your housekeeper to wear
a bra?

I am buying her...
I have to buy her a bra.

I just don't know
what size she is.


- Sammi's last tooth finally fell out.
- Oh, great, great!

Look at that, huh?

Yeah, Tooth Fairy'll
be coming tonight.

Wait a second, what is this?

What, Tooth Fairy.

- Tooth Fairy?
- Yeah.

What, are you kidding?
She's like 11 years old.

It's none of your
God damn business, Larry.

Her tooth falls out,
we stick it under her pillow.

She still believes
in the Tooth Fairy?

Yes, she still believes.
What's the matter with that?

- Really?
- Yeah.

Jesus Christ,
I'm shocked.

What's so shocking?
You don't understand children.

You don't know
child psychology,

and what they believe
and don't believe.

- I guess I don't.
- No!

I knew there was no Tooth Fairy
even before my teeth fell out.

Really? Maybe that's what
your problem is.

Maybe if you had faith
or a belief in something

you wouldn't have
ended up the way you did, you know?

What are you looking at?

No, nothing.

All right.
Thanks for your help.

Yeah, my pleasure.
It's always something.

Do me a favor? For the rest
of the night, just leave us alone.

- Fine, my pleasure.
- Thank you.

- You know what?
- What?

I think she's about the same
size as Maria my housekeeper.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- You know what size she is?
- No. I can find out.

- Would you?
- Sure.

- Thank you, thank you.
- Do you know what Cheryl's size is?

I just found out,
and I gotta tell you something.

- A little disappointed.
- Really?

What, "B" cup?

- I'd rather not say.
- "C"?

- I can't, you know...
- 32? 34?

- I don't want to talk about it.
- Come on.

I don't want to
talk about it.

- Come on!
- No!

I'm giving you Susie's bra size,
give me Cheryl's bra size.

- It's a trade.
- I can't, I don't want to.

You don't tell me Cheryl's,
I ain't telling you Susie's.

- Okay. Fine.
- Okay. Fine.

I'm not the one who has
to go out and buy a bra.

- I don't give a shit.
- Oh, yeah, you do.

It's unbelievable,
isn't it?

I could be general manager

- of a basketball team.
- No, you couldn't.

- I could put together a better team...
- You could not.

- Don't tell me I couldn't!
- You don't have a clue.

Half the things you say
here on the couch...

I know as much about
basketball as these idiots.

I just need
the opportunity.

That's all, just
the opportunity.

A young, fresh kid out of college
just needs the opportunity.

I do!
I know I could do it.

- Where you going?
- Bathroom.

What are you doing?
What are you doing with that money?

I was checking to make sure
the Tooth Fairy left it.

You're lying! You're a liar!
You're the Tooth Fairy!

There is no Tooth Fairy!

- There is a Tooth Fairy.
- You're lying! It's you!

I'm gonna kill him!

It's you!
You're the Tooth Fairy!

- You know what you just did?
- What?

Sammi caught me putting
the money under her pillow.

Because you woke her up with
those things in your shoes, and now

- she knows that I'm the Tooth Fairy.
- Really?

- The shoes woke her up?
- Yes, the shoes woke her up!

She knows that there's no
Tooth Fairy now!

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, you're sorry?

I'm her mother!

I know, but it had
to happen eventually.

You know, you're a stupid
fucking idiot! I cannot listen to this!

Jeff, do you hear this?
"It had to happen eventually."

His orthotics, whatever
the hell they are,

- the noise woke Sammi up.
- What's with your farchadat shoes?

I told you it takes
a while to break 'em in.

What are you breaking
'em in in my house for? It's crazy!

Uh, you know...

Let me just posit this,

It might be a blessing
in disguise.

- How?
- The kid's 11 years old, already.

Enough with
the Tooth Fairy!

Not your business, Larry,
you misanthropic moron!

Not for you to judge!
She's our kid,

we decide when she knows
about the Tooth Fairy!

Maybe you shouldn't
have propagated this ridiculous myth!

Get the fuck out
of my house!

- You sure?
- Yes!

Hey, what's going on?

What is it?

Larry, get rid of
those orthotics!

Now I'll never
get back to sleep!

May I help you?

Yes, hi, um...

yeah, I'm interested
in, um...

in buying a, uh...


- For your...
- It's not for me, no.

For your sweetheart or your wife?

my housekeeper.

Oh, housekeeper, okay.

I'm not making it up.
It's really not for me.

Fine, no it's not...
of course it's not for you.

- Tell me you believe me.
- I believe you, of course not!

Not that there's
anything wrong with it.

But there is something wrong with it.
There's a lot wrong with it.

You can't say that in this
day and age.

I like to walk around
with underwear on my head.

Is there something wrong
with that?

- There's something wrong with that.
- That's very funny.

- So you really do need a bra, then?
- Yes.

Something comfortable.
She hasn't worn one in 15 years.

- Not a French maid outfit?
- No,

it's not a lacey French
maid outfit.

- 'Cause we have lots of those.
- This feels very nice.

Yes, this is our
revolutionary "Elasticene."

- This is the one...
- Lovely.

This is the best bra
we make.

It's so soft, I like that.
I like that.

In fact, this one...

I wonder if they make
underwear out of this stuff.

They do.
We have matching panties.

No, for me, for men.

See, that's what I'm saying.

Feel free to try on anything
here that you want.

Are you out of your mind?

I'm not saying it's for me.
It's not for me.

I'm just saying this kind of foamy,
soft material

- would be nice down there for me.
- It's so smooth, yes.

That doesn't make me
a pervert...

There's nothing perverted
about it!

...just 'cause I want to wear
underwear made out of a bra.

Let's figure out
what this woman has...

Got a good selection
for you here.

And the only issue,
of course, is the size,

which I have to say I didn't
really know your size.

I got a feeling I think
I nailed it.

I really do!

Okay, try them all on.

- All right?
- Thank you, Mr. David.

All right,
you're welcome.


You're a sick fuck,
you know that?

What are you
talking about?

What are we talking about?
Our housekeeper's been stealing, Larry,

so we installed cameras
throughout the house.

Laundry room.
I looked at the tape.

Quite a show, Larry.

Look familiar?

So, I'm looking at
the size of it.

I needed to buy a bra
for the housekeeper,

and it seemed like
you two were the same size.

So I needed to find out
what your size was!

And what's all this mincing around?
What is this?

I was trying to imagine
what it would be like

to be the housekeeper
and have those breasts

you know, working
and doing dishes.

And how did that feel?
Did it feel good?

This is how your housekeeper
washes dishes, like this?

Huh? That's what she does? She dances,
mincing around, washing dishes?

Why are you looking
at her breasts?

I don't understand why
you would walk into her laundry room

and start rifling
through her underwear.

I just happened to see
the bra there, so I thought,

hey look at that, she seems to be about
the same size as Maria!

That's what you're doing?
Staring at everyone's breasts?

- Yeah, exactly!
- I had to buy her a bra and I thought...

Why are you buying her a bra!
You don't have to.

You're the one who made me get a bra
for her in the first place!

I never said go buy her a bra!
What is wrong with you?

You wanted her to put a bra on,
and I was just fine...

You don't walk
around looking...

It's disgusting. Keep you goddamn hands
off my brassiere, okay?

This isn't the first time
it's happened.

The other day he's rifling
through my things looking at my labels.

We've been married 11 years.

So I took a little peek
at her bra size, big deal.

So sue me! Lock me up!

You sick fuck pervert!

You have some fetish
about bras...

Oh get out of here!

I don't know what
the hell it is,

but it's sick and you better
fix those goddamn shoes too!

'Cause you know what he did?
He woke Sammi up the other night,

I was putting money under her pillow
because her tooth fell out.

She caught me, now she knows
there's no Tooth Fairy.

Yes, because there is
no fucking Tooth Fairy!

- It's time she learned that!
- None of your business!

Where have you been?

Bra shopping.

- Okay, Mr. Larry?
- Ahh!

- It's nice?
- Very nice!

- It's good, huh?
- Very nice indeed!

- I like it!
- You like it?

It's nice,
it feels good.

- Good.
- Yeah, it feels nice.

What's with him?

Oh, he didn't get a lot
of sleep last night.

He was woken up and now
he's very tired today.

- Mmm.
- Yeah.

What's the Mezuzah
doing over there?

My father's gonna freak out.
He's gonna be here any minute.

Why didn't Jesus
put the Mezuzah up?

Oh, Jes?s was very upset
that you were talking about my breasts

and wanting to buy
a bra for me,

so he said, "Mr. David
can go fuck himself."

That's what Jes?s said?

Yeah, he was mad.

My father's pulling up!
Where's a hammer?

He keeps it
in the drawer somewhere.

What about a nail?
Where's a nail?

I don't know where
he keeps the nails!

What's going on there?

I'm putting up a Mezuzah.

Wait a minute.
Is that my nail?

- I'll get you another one.
- You took my nail?

- Larry!
- That's blasphemy!

What is going on?

He took my nail!
He took my nail!

Took the nail
right off my neck!

Why'd you have a nail
around your neck?

That's Jesus' nail!

My father's coming right now!

- Hey, hey, hey!
- Hey hey!

Hey, boychick.

All right.
All right, kiddo.

Hi, Nat.

This is the best
chicken salad I've ever had.

- Ever, right?
- Unbelievable.

I don't know what
the hell she does.

My God, she makes
chicken salad,

she wears brassieres,
she does it all!

Yeah, she's very happy
with the bras, by the way.


Yeah. Nailed,
nailed the bra size.

- Really?
- I don't know how I do it.

I've really got some kind of talent
for that, you know?

Maybe you can get a job
in a carnival somewhere.

Yeah, it's true.
I'm good at it.

Yeah, have your own
little booth.

"Step right up.
You are...


- Huh?
- Yeah!

- I know.
- Great.

Of course, Jes?s freaked out
about the whole thing.

- Really?
- He quit, yeah.

- He quit?
- Quit.

- Wow.
- The whole thing about the bra,

talking about the bra,

asking her to buy a bra.

He told her to tell me
to go fuck myself.

- Really?
- Yeah.

He's a fucking
nut job, this guy.

So, did you replace
the nail?

Did I replace the nail?

I believe I have.

Oh, okay, good.

Your father-in-law's
gonna be very happy.

Happy man. Your dad's happy,
you father-in-law's happy,

Unless, of course, any other emergencies
arise that require a nail to remedy it.

You never know when
you're gonna need a nail.

- You never know.
- You never know.

- What's the matter?
- My tooth!



I think my tooth
fell out.


My tooth fell out!

- My tooth!
- From a chicken salad sandwich?

What fuckin' idiot
put bones in a sandwich?

I bit into a bone!

There's bones
in the chicken salad!



What's that noise?



Sounds like your shoes.


I didn't see anybody.


- What happened?
- He just fell.


What is that language?

I have no idea.

What's this?
There's something in his foot!

Oh my God!

The nail.

I must have dropped it!

It saved me!

Come on, let's
get him some help.

Very funny.

I don't know what
you're talking about.