Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 5, Episode 7 - The Seder - full transcript

A sex offender (Rob Corddry) moves into the neighborhood, and becomes friends with Larry. Larry also suspects that Dr. Mark is stealing his newspaper, after his neighbor Ethel claims she saw him take it. Tension mounts when all of these people are guests at Larry's Passover Seder.

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---
Morning!

- Need some help?
- Be great. That'd be great.

Okay.

Hey, I'll do it.
Don't worry about it. Relax.

- I got it.
- Nice, thank you.

- What is this, grape juice?
- Yes, grape juice.

- You guys drink grape juice?
- Sure we do, it's a great antioxidant.

Come on over and have some.

You never see people
drinking grape juice.

- It's delicious, you'd love it.
- I think it's a very underrated juice.

- It is!
- I wonder why more people don't buy it.



Larry. Larry.

Did you know that a sex offender
moved into the neighborhood?

- Yeah, I saw his picture on a flyer.
- I know, it's terrible!

Yeah, he's
a bald guy, too.

- A bald guy.
- Yeah, a bald guy.

- It's very bad for the bald community.
- Oh, Larry.

What's very bad for the community
is that he's a sex offender.

I know, as long as he's gonna
be a sex offender

I wish he had a full head of hair.

- Oh, Larry!
- Let me ask you a question.

Have you... have you guys
been getting your newspaper?

Yeah, yeah.

- You have?
- Yes.

Hmm. I haven't gotten
my paper in six days.



I did see somebody

walk up your
walkway there,

- pick up your newspaper...
- What?!

But I figured maybe it
was somebody that you knew

because he had on a suit.

A guy in a suit
is taking my paper?

That's why she thought it
might your friend of yours.

Jesus!
That's crazy!

- Well, you know.
- Guy in a suit is taking my newspaper?

A suit's a good cover if
a guy's gonna steal a paper.

If you saw him again,
would know him?

Yeah yeah, I'm pretty
sure I'd know him.

A guy in a suit?
Huh?

- Makes no sense.
- Stealing papers?

- Makes no sense.
- I know.

I don't get it.

I don't get it at all.

What's a motivation there?

Guy in a suit's gotta
be able to afford a paper.

Yeah. Hey, you coming
to Passover Seder?

- Cheryl's doing a Seder, huh?
- Yeah, for my father.

Does she know
what she's doing?

- I don't know, she'll find out.
- A little problem.

Susie's sister's in town,

which means my brother-in-law's
in town which means that

their kid's in town and

my brother-in-law
is a little...

- He's a conservative?
- He's a conservative.

- Your brother-in-law's a conservative?
- Big time.

- Big time conservative
- Do you want to bring him to the Seder?

- Yeah.
- Fine, I don't care.

- I'll talk to you later.
- All right, very good.

- Thanks for lunch!
- Sure.

These machines
are really finicky.

Yeah, let me give
you a hand with that.

No no no no.

- No, let me help you out.
- No, I don't even care... you know what?

No, let me get this.
I know how to do it. I've got the touch.

- I don't even need to read it.
- Watch watch watch watch.

I just know how to do it.
I know this machine.

Go ahead.

You want one?

Yeah, but I'll close it again and pay
for it, because, you know.

- It's just...
- Oh. Okay.

- Okay, well...
- Yeah.

- Thanks a lot.
- Hey, I'm sorry, you're...

you're Larry David, right?

- Yeah.
- I'm sorry to bother you like this.

I never, ever do this.

But, you know, I'm sort
of new to the neighborhood.

And I'm a huge
"Seinfeld" fan.

- No kidding?
- Yeah, the biggest.

- Seriously? Get out of here.
- Yeah yeah yeah, seriously.

No, I'm, probably the biggest
"Seinfeld" fan ever.

- What a great show. I miss it!
- Ah, go on.

"Puffy Shirt" is
my favorite episode.

You know what?
I love that show.

- Really?
- That's one of my favorite episodes.

Yeah, it's great.
It's great.

How did you guys come up
with the low talker?

Well, I mean it was
pretty easy to come up with.

I was out to dinner
with one.

And then you write
it and you put it on the TV.

- Yeah, yeah.
- I'm not an artist, you know?

So it's interesting to see how
an artist like yourself works.

Well, that's very nice
of you. Thank you.

- It's incredible. It's really an honor.
- Thank you so much.

I'm Rick Leftowitz.
Great to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.

- Welcome to the neighborhood.
- Thank you.

Oh, boy,
look at the Jew girl.

- I am so Jewish right now.
- Holy cow!

Where did you learn
how to do this?

Well, Susie's been
coaching me through it all.

- She has?
- Yeah.

Do you even know what
this thing is called?

This is a, uh...
Haroset.

- Very good.
- It's a lot like ambrosia, except...

I wish my mother were alive to hear
you say that word out loud.

Yeah, I wish my mother could hear
me say... my mother would flip

- if she knew I was doing this.
- Looks good.

Thank you.
I mean, I'm trying.

It seems like a lot of trouble
you people go through for this.

You know what I mean?

"You people?" I don't know
if I like that so much.

- You Jews, is that better?
- That's better, yeah.

Okay, I feel like I've been cutting
apples for, like, two hours.

Okay, hey,
you know what?

Marla and Mark
got back together.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Good for them.
Good for them!

I thought you'd be
happy to hear that.

That's nice. That's nice.
When did this happen?

About a week ago,
and he moved back in with her.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Wow.
- And they're coming tomorrow.

- Oh, you know who else is coming?
- Who?

Jeff asked me if he could bring
his in-laws.

I know.
I talked to Susie.

Jeez, you know what
I just realized?

I never followed through
on my Christmas present to Mark.

Remember I got him a subscription
to the "Times"?

- "The New York Times."
- Yeah.

And then he and Marla
broke up.

I don't know.
I kinda forgot about it.

So you just didn't
give him his gift?

Yeah.

Because he broke up
with his girlfriend?

Yeah.

I don't see
the point to it.

No, you just thought
you wouldn't have to worry about it

and you wouldn't see
him again, so who cares?

- Oh my God.
- What?

I'll bet you Mark...

I'll bet you Mark
is the guy who's taking the paper.

No, think about it, seriously.
Think about it.

I can't believe it.
Mark is stealing the paper.

Holy shit!
Don't you see?

How long have we
not been getting it, six days?

He moved back in with her a week ago.
You just said that, right?

Who else would be
doing it? It's him.

- Mark is not stealing our newspaper.
- No?

- That is the most ridiculous...
- I don't think so.

Oh, I think so.
Larry, he's a doctor.

I think he could afford the paper
if he wants to get a paper.

Yeah, but not if he's
upset with somebody

who promised him a gift for Christmas
and never followed through on it.

That is so ridiculous.

It's not ridiculous.
It makes perfect sense.

You know,
because I spoke to...

hey, you know what
we should do?

What?

We should invite
Mac and Ethel.

We should invite them
for Seder, don't you think?

You want to invite
Ethel and Mac?

I had no idea you liked Mac
and Ethel so much.

You don't understand
because you're not Jewish, okay?

But it's a Jewish thing.
It's sort of like a tradition, you know?

Invite the cranky
neighbors who...

Well, if Jews don't have
any place to go for Seder,

you're supposed
to invite them.

Come on. Come on.
Invite 'em.

Hey, Larry.

- Hey. Rick, yeah.
- Hey, Rick.

Hey, let me
give you a hand here.

- Okay. Oh, thank you.
- Yeah. How are ya?

Pretty good.
Pretty good.

I should have taken
one of those carts, you know, but...

- Yeah, I know.
- Look, it's downhill.

I'm worried it'll hit a car

and I'll get in a lawsuit or something.
Who the hell knows?

Hey, what do you
got there?

Oh, my four iron.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You play golf?

Yeah, and I eat
and I breathe.

In that order.

- Yeah, me, too. Absolutely, yeah.
- Really?

Wow, wow.

Anyway, I replaced
the four iron with a nine wood.

I can't hit it anymore.

Well, you know what?
I would love to help you.

Oh, come on. Nobody could help me.
People have tried before.

It can't be done.
Can't be done, Rick.

I've been golfing for a long time.
I'm fairly good.

Yeah, in my backyard,

I have this setup that you won't
believe. I've got a net, a tee.

Get the hell out of here!

- And I've got a camera...
- Really? A camera?

And you shoot yourself swinging and then
analyze your swing frame-by-frame.

- What are you doing now?
- Nothing.

- All right, let's go.
- Right now?

- Okay, where's your car?
- I don't have one.

- Okay, I'll take you.
- Okay.

You want some Cheetos
for the trip, huh?

Yeah, why not?
Great.

All right, it's gonna be fun.
I love golf.

Ha ha ha. Huh? Oh my God.
Did you see the whole thing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come here. Come here. Look at this.
Watch it in slow motion, okay?

Look at that.

See, you're bringing
your hips through.

It doesn't even look...
who is that?

- Is that me? It doesn't look like me.
- It's you.

Look, look, I wanna freeze it
right here. Wait, right there.

- Look at your hips right here.
- Yeah, no, I see. Perfect.

I can't believe it.

A plus. My best
student of the day.

Good work. Okay.

- All right. Great.
- Unreal.

Listen, anytime,
anytime.

I'm completely spent.

- It's my pleasure.
- Fantastic.

That was great.
That was just great.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Could not have been better.

What are you doing
for Passover?

Just having
some people over.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, what are you doing?

Nothing, nothing.
Totally free.

You want to come
to my house?

No, really? Oh!

- All right.
- Okay, okay.

- Great, great.
- You don't have to.

No, that sounds great.
I got nothing else to do.

- You sure?
- Yeah, of course, thank you.

Yeah, I'll bring latkes.

- Okay.
- Great, great.

I'll see you then.
I'm gonna hit a few.

Uh...

What took you so long?
Where were you?

Well, I met sort of
a new friend.

He's kind of new
in town.

And we got to talking.

Golf nut, okay?
Took me to his backyard.

He's got a net. What a setup this guy...
my life is changed.

Today, changed,
irrevocably.

And you just started
talking to a stranger?

Yeah, kind of, well, you know, he knew
me from "Seinfeld."

You know, he's...

- Fan?
- Yeah, kind of.

And gonna be alone
on Passover,

and I kind of invited
him to the Seder.

I hope you don't mind.

- You did?
- Yeah, I'm sorry.

- No, that's okay.
- Really?

- Well, if he's alone.
- Aren't you a doll?

Well, that's cute.
I'm glad you made a new friend.

- Yeah, okay, yeah.
- That's nice.

I don't hear that
very often from you.

Oh, and I forgot
to mention

it's that sex offender.

What?

You know, we saw that
picture on the flyer

of that sex offender guy.
That's him.

He's cool.

You invited a sex offender
over for Seder?

Are you out
of your mind?

- It was an awkward moment.
- What is wrong with you, Larry?

You don't do something
like that without asking me!

You do not invite
a sex offender over for dinner

without talking
to me first!

We're not having
a sex offender over for dinner, no!

- Call him and say no.
- Cheryl, what would Jesus do?

- Oh.
- Huh?

- Cheryl, Cheryl.
- No, no!

Cheryl, he's a Jew.
He's a Jew!

This is a fact.
This is like numbers, okay?

Have you heard
of the theory, the 77?

No.

Okay, every 77 years
there's a great president.

Washington and then
you go 77 years, Lincoln.

77 years there's...
what's that guy's name?

- Theodore Roosevelt?
- F.D.R.

And then another
77 years, you got W.

- Really?
- I think we're in historic times.

- Washington, Lincoln, F.D.R.
- And W.

- And George W. Bush.
- That's right.

And we're turning
the whole damn world around.

Jake, did you remember
to call your mother?

What?

Did you remember
to call your mother?

I told my mother I would call her
after the Seder.

- You said "before."
- After the Seder.

- Hey.
- Hey, Larry.

- How's it going? How's the doctor?
- Doing well, doing well.

- Doing well, busy. Real busy.
- Oh, yeah.

You know, things are booming
right now, you know?

Nice to see you
and Marla back together.

She's great.
She's great.

Yeah, what happened?

You couldn't cut it in
your single life there?

Couldn't get any dates,
so you went back?

That's funny.
Part of the perk of being a doctor.

It's not hard
to get dates.

Get to see a lot
of women naked?

- Cosmetic surgeon. Seen my fair share.
- Really?

You ever get aroused?

I don't think that's
really an appropriate question.

- Really, why not?
- Well, you know, it's just...

it's sort of
a personal thing.

I don't want to discuss
something like that.

The answer of course is no.
I'm a professional.

People come to me for help.
I help them.

I understand. Tell me if you think this
is an appropriate question.

And I mean
no disrespect.

Have you been stealing
my newspaper?

Larry...

yes, that is
an inappropriate question.

Okay, so that's
two inappropriate questions.

I have not been stealing
your newspaper, Larry. That's appalling.

- Really?
- Yeah, really, Larry.

I'm quite sure
I haven't been taking it.

Are you positive,
Mark?

Okay.

Now if you'll excuse me.

So what did you think
of my brother-in-law?

- Whoa.
- Uh-huh.

- Man. Wow.
- Big time. Wow.

What?

- Your sister's husband.
- Man, oh, man.

- He's nauseating.
- He's quite a piece of work that guy.

Who else is coming?

Oh, there's
somebody right now.

- Hey, there he is.
- Somebody order latkes?

Look at this.
Boy, oh, boy.

- Yeah, how are ya?
- Great, how you doing?

- Very good.
- Good to see you.

- Yeah, this is nice.
- Oh, yeah?

Let me introduce you
to some of my friends here.

- The guests.
- Great.

Hi.

- This is Marla.
- Hi, Marla, nice to meet you. Rick.

And this is
my wife Cheryl.

It's lovely to meet you.
You have a wonderful home.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- I made latkes. Yeah.
- Latkes.

- From my mother's recipe.
- They smell good.

Hey, this guy completely
changed my life.

I'm telling you.
I can't believe the way

I hit the ball now
on account of him.

Yeah, just wait till I'm done with him.
Different man altogether.

I can't wait.

- Nice to meet you.
- Thank you.

Come on over here.
This here is Jeff.

- You are?
- This is Rick Leftowitz.

- Nice meeting you, Rick.
- Nice meeting you.

- This is Susie. His wife Susie.
- Hi.

- And that's Sammy.
- Somebody drop a cute bomb in here?

Oh, hey,
and this is my dad.

It is an honor
to meet you, sir.

Nice to meet you.

- This is Carol.
- Hi, Carol.

- Very nice to meet you.
- Rick. Nice to meet you.

- This is Emily and Jacob.
- Can I talk to you a second?

Sure, yeah.
Excuse me for one second.

What the hell are you
trying to pull, Larry?

- What?
- You know who that guy is?

- He had nowhere to go.
- I don't give a shit where he goes.

I think it's gonna
be a big addition to this Passover.

- In what way?
- He's got a good personality.

He's smart.
He's funny.

He should not be
in our presence on a holy day.

Any day.
What the hell are you doing?

- Larry.
- Hello, hello.

- How are you?
- Pretty good.

- Good to see you. I'm glad you came.
- So are we.

Thank you.

Everybody parked
in front of my house. Everybody here,

- except the kids.
- Yeah, so what?

- So what?
- Are you going out tonight?

I think you're here, aren't you?
So what's the problem?

Everybody's got the car
parked in front of my... same thing,

- every time you have a party...
- I'm sorry.

- I'll inform them next time.
- Please.

Ethel, hi, how are you?

It was so nice
of you to invite us.

My pleasure.
Ethel, what I want you to do is

I want you to take
a look around this room here, okay,

and just see if there's anybody
who you recognize.

- Okay?
- Sure.

- All right, would you do that for me?
- Sure.

Take a look around.

Okay, gently.
Gently, guys.

Let's put her here
on the bed.

Okay, let me
just check her.

I think I hurt my back
lifting her up.

Her pulse is okay.
She's breathing fine.

- Does this happen often?
- Well, yeah, every once in awhile

- something startles her.
- How long is she going to be out?

A couple of hours.

A couple of hours?!
What, are you kidding?

Just a... you know,
she'll sleep it off,

then she'll be fine.

Everybody have a nice big
swig of wine.

Hey, guess what.

Okay, get ready, kids.

You know what's in here?
Matzah.

And I'm gonna hide this,
and you've got to go find it.

And whoever finds the Matzah
is gonna get a dollar.

Okay, a dollar!

All right, now go into the kitchen.
Go in the kitchen.

Close your eyes.
Don't look.

Cover your ears.
Okay, I'm gonna hide it now.

Don't look!

Okay, kids, you can come
look for the Matzah now.

- So, Larry.
- Yeah?

Any luck in finding
the guy that...

- has been stealing your newspaper?
- No.

No luck at all.

For those of you who don't know,
I'm sure you don't,

somebody's been stealing
my newspaper

for an entire week...
yes, every day.

I tell you something, my wife, she got a
good look at him.

I mean, a really good look.

If she ever sees him again,
she'll recognize him.

- Really?
- She'll know that face.

She never
forgets a face.

Is something wrong, doctor?

Excuse me, uh, no.
Just some gefilte fish.

Well, hopefully,
she'll wake up soon

and come down and join us
for the rest of the Seder.

- Wouldn't that be nice, everybody?
- Yes, yes.

That would be wonderful,
wonderful!

Hey, there's no Matzah here.
Let's go, beat it.

Come on, pfft,
beat it.

Well, I've...
just seen Ethel.

She's coming around.
She should be down soon.

That's nice.
That's nice.

Huh? Isn't that good news?

What is all the...
all that sound, that noise,

the racket we all
heard upstairs?

Oh, my foot fell asleep
so I was kind of jumping up and down

to get the blood
circulating again.

I hate when
that happens, right?

Something wrong, doctor?

For Pete's sake, I've...

I've been paged by the hospital.
It must be an emergency.

Oh my gosh!
Oh, it's a doctor emergency.

- I'm so sorry.
- I didn't hear anything, doctor.

- I keep my pager on vibrate...
- Oh, do you?

...for medical emergencies, yes.
- Uh-huh.

- Thank you so much for having me.
- It was great to meet you.

Aren't you
a cosmetic surgeon?

Yes, we have emergencies
in that field as well.

You know, it's too bad.
Ethel's coming down soon.

She'll be upset that
she didn't get to meet you.

I'll meet her
another time, I'm sure.

Thank you.
Marla, I'm sorry. I'll see you at home.

- I'll see you at home.
- Thank you, everyone.

- Love you.
- Found it!

- Stevie!
- He found the Matzah!

In a hurry, doctor?

As I explained, I've been
paged by my hospital.

Yes, I know.
Emergency boob job, no doubt.

I've been paged for
a medical emergency

- because I am a doctor.
- Yes yes yes.

You're a doctor.
Yes yes, of course, you're a doctor.

- It's a medical situation.
- You're lucky that old lady fainted.

I don't... I don't know
what you're talking about.

You took that paper.
I know you did.

I'm a doctor, you idiot!

Good yontif.

- Larry?
- Hey, buddy, what's up?

Can I talk to you
for a second?

- Sure, what's up?
- Um...

This is really hard.
I, uh...

I'm... in the throes
of a moral quandary right now,

- and I don't know what to do.
- Okay, um...

I'm not really the right...
I'm not a good person to confide in.

Oh, I think you are.
You're the perfect person.

What you need to see is a doctor
or a psychiatrist,

- a counselor of some kind.
- A doctor, no no no.

I'm... I'm... I'm clear
on what I'm torn about:

My allegiance to you
as a friend,

and not wanting
to ruin the party.

Uh, but I saw something
very shocking,

and I feel like
I have to tell you.

What... what's going on?

Well, I saw Mr. Dunkle

whisper in his son's ear.

And then the boy went right
over and found the Matzah.

Oh my God.

Yeah, because he
saw me hiding it.

We made eye contact.
He saw it.

Well, there you go.
Sorry.

Yeah, okay.

- I'll take it from here.
- Okay.

When am I gonna get
my dollar?

Oh yeah, your dollar.

That's right. Let me ask you
a question, Stevie.

I notice that you went
to the bookcase once.

What made you go
back there a second time?

Hey, look look,
he found the Matzah, pay up.

I'm just trying to find out why he went
back to the bookcase.

There's no need for the third degree.
Just pay him the dollar.

- How come you went back, Stevie?
- Stop it!

He found the Matzah,
pay up. That's that!

- He found the Matzah?
- Yeah!

'Cause you told him
where it was hidden.

- That is a lie!
- Didn't you? Didn't you?

That is a lie!
You don't know anything.

- How would you know that?
- How do I know?

How would you know?

My friend told me,
that's how I know!

He saw you whisper in
your son's ear

then watched
as he ran to the bookcase

and got the Matzah.

Oh, your friend the convicted
sex offender!

Oh my God! Oh my God, there's
something wrong with Sammy.

Sammy, Sammy, get up.

Come on, come on.
What's the matter, honey?

She can't breathe.
She can't breathe.

- Does anyone know mouth-to-mouth?
- Oh my God!

I do.