Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 4, Episode 9 - The Survivor - full transcript

At a dinner party, generations collide when a contestant from the television show "Survivor" and a holocaust survivor butt heads, and Larry is caught in the middle. Larry and Cheryl renew their vows, but Larry has a hard time remembering his vows - or his lines for The Producers.

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I don't know why I ever married
this man. What a schmuck.

Shlomo, what is taking you
so long?! My God!

What the hell are you doing?!
Get out here!

You are such schmuck!
Can't you do anything right?

Is it so hard
to keep this with that?

Putz.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry about that.
Have a good day.

Larry, hmm?

How are you, Anna?

Oh, I'm just
never been better.

So what could I do
for you, my friend?



Well, got a
little suit here...

needs a cleaning.

My wife and I
are renewing our vows.

- 10 years we've been married.
- Oy.

Wow. I bet you
make her very happy.

No, she's the most miserable
woman in the world, believe me.

You're pretty fit,
Larry.

How you stay so fit?
What do you do?

I run away from hoodlums...
it keeps you in shape.

So what do you think,
you can get this...

get this done
for me for...

oh, I need it by...

oh no, I got that dinner party...
tomorrow?

You could have whatever
you like, Larry.



So do I need a ticket
or anything?

I know you, Larry.

You don't need
no ticket.

Okay.

Larry.

- Rabbi.
- We got a cantor already. It's okay.

Huh, you got... can I be
the new cantor?

- I think I can do it.
- Can you do it?

I think I could.

So you ready
for the big day?

I'm all ready
for Saturday.

I want to thank you
for doing this.

- It's a pleasure. It's a pleasure.
- Yes.

- It should be painless. I promise.
- Okay.

Looking
forward to it.

Is that you?

That's, uh...
that's Eddie Silverman.

He's my
brother-in-law.

He, uh...

he died on
September 11th.

Oh my gosh.
Oh, I'm so sorry.

Yeah.
Terrible.

He was
in the building?

No no, he was uptown
on 57th Street.

He got hit
by a bike messenger.

- It's awful.
- Uptown?

Yeah. Yeah.

It was...
bike messenger hit him.

- What a shame.
- Yeah yeah.

Well, that's, uh...

- Hey, Rabbi?
- Yeah?

Um, can I discuss

a private matter
with you?

Please. Anything.
I'm a rabbi.

Anything
you want to say.

10 years ago
before we got married...

my wife told me

that if we stayed
together for 10 years,

that for our
10th anniversary,

as a present to me,

she would let me
have...

relations with another
woman...

just one time.

And this is like...
this is a gift to you?

- It's like I have total permission.
- Yeah?

She's almost kind of
challenging me in a way,

in a kind of demeaning way,
she doesn't think I'm suave enough.

- Oh really?
- And I want to.

It's the only opportunity
I'll have for the rest of my life.

I've never cheated on her,
I never would cheat.

This is all
on the up and up.

- So you're conflicted about it?
- Yes, yet I kind of...

I'll be honest,
it would be nice.

You know what comes
to my mind, Larry?

What comes to my mind

is the story
of Abraham and Sarah.

Sarah could not conceive
and said to Abraham,

"Go in to your
handmaiden Hagar,

and have
relations with her."

Abraham's wife
said that to him?

- Yeah, absolutely.
- Get the hell outta here!

It's right there
in Genesis.

I think that you can look at that
as a very real precedent.

This woman's never gonna
replace your wife.

- She's not gonna mean anything.
- Of course not.

- So I mean there's no danger of that?
- No!

It's not an act
of love anyway.

- It's lust.
- So... so you know...

"Love"...I don't know what that
has to do with sex?

- Yeah, well it has a lot to do, but...
- Yeah, for sure.

I would say that she's giving you
something out of generosity

and I think you
should probably

accept it in that
same sense of generosity.

And I'm not a bad person
if I do it?

No no, you're not
a bad person if you...

I'm a bad person anyway,
but I'm not...

am I an extra
bad person?

No, it does not make you
an extra bad person.

I've got to start
coming to temple more often.

I'm glad I could
be helpful with this.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

You're very welcome.
You're very welcome.

I'll see you tomorrow
night for dinner?

Yes, I'm looking forward to that.
Oh listen, Larry,

I was talking
to a friend of mine,

and, uh...
he's a survivor,

and he would love
to meet you.

Would it be possible for me
to bring him to dinner?

- Of course!
- I don't want to impose or anything.

There's no
imposition at all.

Bring him over.
That's fine.

- That's wonderful.
- It's just going to be my family.

- He'll be thrilled.
- It's not a big deal.

- Okay.
- All right.

Go, enjoy.

Rabbi, thank you.

Okay.

Yes, Your Honor, I do admit
for the last 20 years

I've been a lying,
double-crossing, two-faced...

- Just stop it! I can't stand it!
- Call a truce.

All right?
All Summer.

- How's it going?
- It's not going well.

I'm trying to memorize
this stuff,

they're making
a racket.

- I've got two weeks.
- You're doing great.

I'm gonna be
humiliated.

Oh, the rabbi said he's bringing
a survivor tomorrow.

Should I have my father
bring his friend Solly,

who's also a survivor...

- the guy with the glass eye?
- Oh, right.

- Remember him?
- Yeah.

You think that's
a good idea?

Do survivors like
seeing each other?

Do they like to talk
about old times

or does the sight of another
survivor depress them?

I think you
should invite him.

- Invite him.
- I guess if I was a survivor,

- I'd want to see somebody...
- Somebody you have a shared experience.

Yeah, talk about...
see that's the thing.

Do they want to...
I don't know.

How are your vows
coming along?

I just haven't had
that much time

- to really work on it yet.
- This is important to me.

The whole thing's
gonna be embarrassing.

You didn't tell me this was gonna be part of
the whole thing... that I'd have

- to say this in front of people.
- Okay, I'm giving you a good gift.

Okay, so this is
what I have so far.

"May I always have the wisdom
to look past your shortcomings

and appreciate all of the goodness
you possess.

We promise to continue
loving each other unconditionally,

not only throughout
this lifetime,

but after death
through all eternity.

- We stand before you..."
- Huh? Wait a second.

- What?
- What was that about eternity?

Um...

"We'll love each other
throughout this lifetime,

but after death,
through all eternity."

You mean this is...

this is continuing
into the afterlife?

Yeah, that's the idea.

- Do you have a problem with that?
- Well, l...

I thought this
was over at death.

I didn't know we went
into eternity together.

l... isn't that
what it said in...

"till death do us part,"
I thought it was...

- You have a problem with eternity?!
- Well...

We finally found
each other, Larry,

and we're celebrating
this for all eternity.

I just... I guess I had
a different plan for eternity.

I thought...

I thought I'd be single,
I guess.

I'm sorry.
I'm interrupting

your single life
in eternity?

No, I just didn't
realize that...

this relationship
carried over after death.

Well, it does!
It carries over!

- I guess I just took that for granted.
- Okay...

do you not want to renew
our vows? Because...

No, I want to renew our vows until...
you know...

I didn't... can we take out
the eternity part?

No.

Okay.

It's nice
meeting you.

This is a treat.
This is really a treat.

- The treat is ours.
- Hi.

Look at you.
You look great.

- You happy?
- Yeah, I'm very happy.

Do I really need
to wear a suit for this?

Yes, look at everybody
who's dressed up.

So what have
we got going on?

Oh yeah, you should
say hello to the rabbi,

and, you know,
mix and mingle with people.

- Larry.
- Hello, Rabbi.

- Hello.
- Hello.

This is Colby.

Hi, Larry.
Nice to meet you.

- Where's this survivor?
- What?

He's the survivor.

From the... from
the television show.

- "Survivor."
- I was over in Australia.

- I'm a huge fan of "Seinfeld."
- He really is.

How is Jerry?

- He's good.
- Yeah?

Is he still
doing standup?

I just thought you two
should meet, you know,

- fellow celebrities, I thought...
- Uh-huh.

- Thanks again for having me over.
- No problem.

Okay, I'm gonna, uh,
say hello to my dad.

- Okay.
- Thanks again.

- Great sense of humor.
- He looked thrilled to meet you.

- Stunned.
- It was neat.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- You're the "Survivor" guy?
- Hello, Solly.

Hello. How are you?

- Good to see you.
- You too.

You have a
beautiful house.

Oh thank you.
Thank you.

- There's gonna be a dinner?
- Oh, there'll be a dinner.

A delicious dinner.

I like it,
I like it.

Hey, Solly, Cheryl and I are
renewing our vows on Saturday.

Why don't you come
keep my father company?

Oh, thank you,
thank you very much.

Listen, where is
the other survivor?

He's that, uh,
tall guy over there.

He's...

He's from
the television show.

"Survivor"?

Huh, what?

So here we are in a region
of Australia,

where out of the world's
10 most deadly snakes...

- Snakes.
- nine of them inhabit this region.

It was harrowing.

You come across
a taipan on the trail,

you get bit, you're dead...
30 minutes flat.

I'll tell you that's
a very interesting story.

Let me tell you, I was
in a concentration camp.

You never even suffered
one minute in your life

compared to what
I went through.

Look, I'm saying we spent 42 days
trying to survive.

We had very little rations,
no snacks.

Snacks? What are you
talking snacks?

We didn't eat,
sometimes for a week.

- For a month, we ate nothing!
- Don't.

- I went from...
- All right.

I couldn't even work out.
They didn't have a gym.

- A what?!
- I wore my sneakers out.

Next thing you know
I've got flip-flops.

- Flip-flops!
- We slept on the ground, on the dirt.

118? during the day,

98 at night
with 98% humidity.

- 45? below zero!
- Did you guys have a bathroom?

- A bathroom?!
- We didn't have one.

We had 12 people at a time
would go and shit...

- Well I'm sure you had toilet paper.
- We had newspaper.

- We had mosquitoes.
- Mosquito?! You see this glass eye?!

- Have you even seen the show?
- Did you ever see our show?

It was called
the Holocaust!

All I know is I was damned close
to that million dollars.

And the whole time, everyone's
backstabbing me and undermining me,

- trying to get me kicked off the show.
- Don't aggravate yourself.

You know nothing about survival!
I'm a survivor!

- I'm a survivor!
- I'm a survivor!

- I'm a survivor!
- I'm a surv...

Somebody get
a sponge.

I don't understand.
Why don't you get a sponge?

What? I just told her
to get a sponge, that's all.

Are you getting dressed,
Larry?

The rabbi wants to start
the ceremony by noon.

My suit's not in the drycleaning.
I can't find it.

- What are you talking about?
- It's not there.

The guy gave me everything
that we had in there.

- She wasn't there?
- No, the husband was working.

Oh, okay.
No wonder why.

She doesn't give me
a ticket.

She doesn't
give you a ticket?

You know, she knows me.
I go in there a lot.

I go in there a lot.
She gives me a ticket.

Well then, just wear
your black suit, okay?

I got this new suit
just for this occasion.

You shouldn't have made me
wear it to the dinner party.

Oh my God.
I don't know what to tell you.

If they're closed,
they're closed.

You know what?
I always see their van on Ocampo.

I'll bet it's parked
in front of their house.

- Maybe they'll open the store for me.
- Mm-hmm.

- It's worth a shot.
- Okay, if that's what you're gonna do,

you need to go now,
all right?

And if not, I'll wear
the black one.

You'll wear
the black one.

Larry.

- What are you doing here?
- Well, um...

actually I, uh...

I kind of need
a bit of a favor.

I'm so sorry
for disturbing you.

You would never disturb me,
even if you tried.

That's very sweet
of you. Anyway...

How did you know
where I live, Larry?

I had seen your van
parked outside before.

You've been stalking me,
haven't you, Larry?

- No, not really. I saw the van there.
- Oh, Larry.

Anyway, I'm so sorry
to bother you on the Sabbath.

I was kind of wondering
if it would possible...

if there was any way
that you could go

open the store
so I can get my suit?

Well, you know it is the Sabbath.
I cannot drive.

Well, we can walk
over there.

It's... I can take you
piggyback.

Oh, now you're
talking, Larry.

You know,
Shlomo is at shul.

Oh.

Do you want to come in
for a drink?

Hmm?

Actually, I really don't
have that much time.

We're renewing
our vows, and...

I kind of got
to get going.

Your vows
with your wife.

Yes yes.

- 10 years?
- Yes yes, 10 years.

- Yeah yeah.
- I too have been married for 10 years.

Yeah.

10 long years.

I'll go get the keys.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What are you
doing here?

You should be
getting ready.

- I had to go pick up my suit...
- Oh.

from the drycleaners.
I had to go to her house.

- The Hasidim one?
- The one I was telling you about.

She invited me in
for a drink,

then we went
to the store...

- we set something up.
- You're kidding me!

I told her about the 10th
anniversary present.

One time. It's on.

Wow! Great!

- And guess what?
- What?

- I've got the rabbi's blessing.
- You talked to the rabbi?

I spoke to the rabbi.
I have his blessing.

- So you gotta go get a sheet now, huh?
- What are you talking about?

The Hassids, they have sex
through a sheet.

That's not...
come on, that's a myth.

Better show up with a sheet
or you'll be in big trouble.

- Really?
- Yes.

- Hey, Susie.
- You forgot the cantaloupes.

- Where are the cantaloupes?
- Forget the cantaloupe.

Come here for one second.
Come here, come here.

- How do the Hassids make love?
- What do you mean?

When Hasidim make love,
how do they do it?

- With the sheet you're talking about?
- Yeah.

They put in a hole in a sheet
and there's... through that.

- You're kidding.
- You didn't know that?

- I thought it was a myth.
- Everybody knows that.

It's not a myth. They cut a hole,
the man puts the penis in...

they can't touch
each other.

It's a religious thing
that they do.

What do you talk about,
how Hasidim have sex?

No, it just came...
the subject came up!

Help me with the bags,
all right?

- Wow.
- Yeah.

How do you like that?
I gotta get a sheet.

Know what you should do?
You should spring for a satin sheet.

Really? I don't think
that would be good.

You'd be sliding
all over.

- Well.
- Cut it beforehand, you think?

Beforehand! Show up with the hole
beforehand. You gotta do that.

I would think
it might be kind of fun

cutting the hole with her,
sharing it, you know?

Jeff, will you bring
in the groceries?!

- I'm coming!
- I'll see you later.

All right, bye.

Larry?

Look, aren't you
glad I picked it up?

My mother is very
upset right now,

and she says she's not
coming to the ceremony.

- What? Why?
- Because of your sponge comment.

- You want me to go talk to her?
- Yes, I do!

She was just trying
to help out.

Then she should've got the sponge.
Why does she want somebody else

- to get the sponge?
- Oh my God.

If she's trying to help,
then get the sponge.

Mom.

Mom, I just want
to apologize about the...

you know, the whole
"sponge" thing.

What happened
that night...

because of the whole...
the survivor confrontation...

it just brought up a lot of stuff
about the Holocaust,

and it's kind of in my DNA
and I was very flummoxed by it.

Very flummoxed.

You wouldn't understand,
but if you were in my religion,

what happened to my people... things came
out that shouldn't have been said.

and I certainly
apologize for that.

- Thank you.
- And...

even though, you know,
you were kind of...

right by the kitchen...

you were the closest one
there, I thought.

- You don't respect me.
- Oh, that's not true.

- I don't think you like me.
- I like everybody.

- I have...
- I'm a people person, I like everybody.

I love people.
You know what?

Let's just put this
behind us, come on.

- Come on.
- What is this?

Let's go, let's go!

Let's go.
Let's go to ceremony.

Come on, this is crazy.
It's so silly, come on.

A sponge.
Yes, come on.

Next time you're
by the kitchen...

- Oh, get out! I'll get my dress.
...you'll get a sponge.

You're standing two feet
from the kitchen.

You get the sponge
next time, so what?

- Oh my gosh.
- All present and accounted for.

I've never seen
such a car in my life.

It's a beautiful car.

My beautiful
Cheryl,

Larry,

congratulations.

Thank you.
Thanks, everybody.

It's so nice
to be here.

What a pleasure
this is here.

Glad you're here,
Solly.

Listen, wait till you see
these two getting married.

You've got
a big affair yet.

What is he doing?

He's mimicking me.

Why are you
mimicking me?

No no no, the light
from your glass eye,

it's reflecting
on me.

You-you were
making fun of me!

- No no no!
- I don't like this here!

I don't want to be here!
No more!

Hold it,
stop the car!

No, Solly.
Wait, Solly.

Please,
don't get out.

Somebody get a sponge.

Right, so then I'll
do the blessing...

the last blessing.

Just a little bit
of Hebrew,

and then I will put
the glass on the floor

and you'll step on it
and that'll be it.

That's when everybody
yells a "matza toff"?

No no, it's mazel tov.
It means good luck.

- Could we say yippee or something?
- Or good luck?

- Hallelujah would be good.
- Can you just say mazel tov?

- Anything else?
- Um, just that the Hebrew,

I mean, are we gonna
know what you're saying?

I'll translate it.
It's very basic.

Want me to translate?
"We love God. Thank you, God.

Thanks, God. God, you're great.
Oh, God, you're wonderful.

You're amazing, God.
It's all God."

It's a little
overdone, but...

Well, it's a blessing.
It's more about you than God.

Larry, I'm sorry.

You know, I don't want
to change the subject,

but isn't there something
you can do about that stain?

I mean,
it's horrifying.

Yeah, I know.
It's a...

it's a go-home stain,
but I didn't go home.

I mean, I just...
it's kind of disrespectful.

Just in terms of
standing in front of the ark and...

- Mm-hm.
- Excuse me, does anybody have a mint?

I got a mint.

It's in my pocket.

Do you want me
to hand it to you?

It's loose.
It's not in a package.

Or do you want to put your hand
in my pocket and get it yourself?

You got three options.
You can do

one of those two things
or you can refuse it.

- There you go.
- Cheryl, honey, would you...

Reach into Larry's pocket
for an unwrapped mint? Sure.

- This is fine. Here.
- Thank you, darling. Great.

A loose mint.
You got your mint. Great.

- Okay?
- Everybody ready?

- Yeah.
- Let's roll.

What?
"Let's roll"?

What did you say?

What?

You knew that my brother-in-law
died on September 11th.

How dare you say
something like that!

With all due respect,
wasn't that just a coincidence?

- Poor choice of words.
- What the hell kind of a...

- All right...
- Oh, you know, I don't want to do this!

Forget it, forget it!

I didn't know,
that if you...

- Larry.
- that if you died uptown on 9-11

that it was part of it...
of the tragedy, l...

Do I have to listen to this? Do I have to go
on and on and on about this?

I didn't know that an uptown death
on West 57th Street

was part of
the tragedy.

I-I don't think
I want to do this.

I-I really don't. You look like a slob.

- I don't think you're serious.
- What? No.

- You could've gone home with...
- Rabbi, you're going very far.

We came all the way
from Florida for this,

and we like to get it
over with if you don't mind.

- He doesn't know what he's doing.
- He really doesn't.

What do they say
in the Bible?

- "He knows not whereof"...
- Don't try to quote the Bible.

Just don't...
don't try.

- Let's quit.
- Cheryl, I'll do it.

- Rabbi, thank you.
- I'll do it for you.

- I really appreciate it.
- "He knows not whereof..."

I'm sorry about
your loss.

- Larry, you be quiet.
- Thank you, thank you. Come on.

All right, let's vamoose.
Let's vamoose!

Okay.

And may we continue
to love each other unconditionally,

not only throughout
this lifetime,

but after death
through all eternity.

- That's very moving, Cheryl.
- Thank you.

Okay, Larry.

Uh...

I'm drawing
a blank here, Rabbi.

I don't have
the paper.

You know what?
Just speak from your heart.

Just speak to Cheryl,
look into her eyes,

and it'll come...
the words will come.

Things have been good.

It's a very good...

relationship...
10 years.

It's pretty good.

It's pretty pretty...

pretty pretty good.

And...

I am your
devoted servant...

well I don't know
about servant, but...

I'm not a servant,
but I'll certainly help you

if you ever need help
with anything, you know that.

I'm in the house a lot.

You want to open a bridge table?
Whatever you need.

I'm not a great handyman,
and I'm not good at making plans.

That I don't do very well
I have to admit.

She makes the plans.

She makes good plans.
We always have stuff to do.

And I will love you
for the rest of my life.

Until the day I die.

I'll love you
until death.

That's a pretty
good thing.

Not that many women
have that.

Right now
till the day I die,

there will never be
any other woman till death.

And we don't,
you know...

after death who knows
what happens?

- Even you... you don't know.
- No.

I promise to love you
through all eternity.

All right, eternity.

Okay, okay.
Uh...

before I pronounce you
man and wife,

it's time
to break the glass.

Here we go. I'm just gonna...

Oh God, my hand!

Oh, it's bleeding!
Jesus!

Somebody get
a sponge.

Hey.

It's about
fucking time, Larry.

My God, I've been waiting all day.
Come on in.

- What is that?
- My suit.

I got it stained
at the ceremony.

I figured as long as I'm here,
I'd drop it off with you.

- Drop it off with me?
- Yeah.

- Here?
- I figured you'd save me a trip.

Why didn't you take it
to the cleaners?

Well, I'm here.
You're a cleaner.

I'm not going to schlep your dirty clothes
all the way there. Why should I?

What's the big deal?
Put it in your trunk.

- You're going over there.
- Throw it in your trunk.

You take it
in your fucking car,

and you go over to the cleaners.
Not a big deal. You do it all the time.

I figured I'd kill two birds
with one stone.

I am not going to schlep
your dirty fucking clothes

over to the cleaners, Larry.
My God!

- How do you deal with wine stains?
- We get them out.

- What about blood?
- Of course. We get everything.

We're very good... we're
the best cleaners around.

- Wine and blood?
- Wine and blood!

You got your work cut out
for you with this one.

- What is wrong with you?
- Don't get so riled up about it.

- I'm not so riled up.
- You're going to the store anyway.

You come here to fuck or you come here to
talk about your dirty suit?

Hmm?

Fuck or suit?

- Okay, the first one.
- Well there you go.

Let's go.
I don't got all day.

- So you're not gonna take the suit?
- Jesus Christ!

All right.

- Where'd you get the sheet?
- Linen store.

Who brings a sheet
to a hotel?

And what's it...
there's a hole there.

Yeah...
'cause your Hasidic.

What, do you believe
that stupid shit?

What kind of fucking
idiot are you?

Oh my God.

Oh shit!
It's an earthquake!

Wait, Larry!

Oh, Jeez!

Larry!

Hey, we survived.