Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 4, Episode 10 - Opening Night - full transcript

In the fourth-season finale, Larry David flies to New York with fellow performers David Schwimmer and Cady Huffman to star on Broadway in "The Producers". Along the way, he argues with Schwimmer, develops a strange relationship with Huffman, finds he's tipping way too often and attempts to use his 10th anniversary gift from Cheryl. On stage, Larry and David put aside their differences and blow the audience away - unexpectedly, Mel Brooks isn't impressed.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
- Who are you?!
- l'm Leopold Bloom.

l'm an accountant.

l'm from
Whitehall & Marks.

l've come here
to do your books.

l've come here
to do your books.

Oh, Mr. Bloom.
l've been expecting you.

No, l've come here
to do your books.

- Oh...
- Oh. Oh...

- you...
- you...

- have...
- Oh, you have, have you?

- huh?
- Oh, you have, huh? Okay.

- l had it yesterday, the whole thing.
- l know.

We went through
the whole play,

l knew it. Why am l forgetting it
all of a sudden?

Maybe l should go with you
and run lines with you on the plane.

- No, you can't.
- lnstead of going in two days,

- l'll go with you.
- No, it's crazy.

- Will you run lines?
- l'll be fine. Stick to the plan.

You got the N.R.D.C. meeting
tomorrow, l want you to go to that.

The environment is a lot more important
than this show. l want you to do that.

- Thank you, though.
- All right.

What do you think of my plane outfit?
You like my plane outfit?

- lt looks very comfortable.
- lt's comfortable, right?

Who's gonna be
on the plane with you?

Let's see, Jeff, uh,

David Schwimmer, um,
Cady Huffman.


- Cady Huffman?
- What? She plays Ulla in the show.

No, l know who she is.

This is how-- it's very obvious why
you don't want me to go.

Are you nuts?

''And, uh, Cady Huffman.''

lt's like--

What? Come on,
she hates my guts.

l met her at Ben Stiller's party.
She couldn't stand me.

You better work fast,
my friend.


lf you're gonna cash in on this, uh,
10th anniversary gift--

you have, what,
three days left?

You have some work to do.

How's it going,
by the way?

- Has it been going well?
- lt's okay, it's--

l haven't really been
pushing it.

New York's a big place.
This is a good opportunity for you.

- Okay, don't worry about it, all right?
- Okay, yeah.


- That's it.
- Okay.

So, l'll be there
opening night, okay?

The next time l'll see you
will be after the play,

- but l'll be there, so know that.
- Okay.

- l love you.
- l love you.


Go get 'em.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

No Cheryl?

No, she's got that
N.R.D.C. meeting.

- Great!
- She's not coming till--

- You've got three days, man.
- Yeah, nothing's--

Three days.
You never know.

Yeah, three more days...

- till we open too, isn't that amazing?
- Amazing.

- lt's the exact same day.
- You're gonna be great.

- Cady went to go get some coffee.
- Oh, she's here?

She's here, and she confided
in me something.

- What, she hates my guts?
- She has obsessive-compulsive disorder.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Cady has O.C.D?

l-l-l told her
that you have it, too.

What the--
are you nuts?

- What's the matter with you?
- Come on, that's funny.

- That's funny?
- That's really funny. She was excited.

- That was stupid.
- lt was not stupid.

Just a stupid joke to play on somebody.
Take advantage of--

Hey, Larry.

- Hi hi hi.
- Hi hi hi, oh.


Hey, where is
the coffee place?

1 23 steps that way.

1 23 steps l'll be taking.

- l'll see you in a few minutes.
- Okay.

Jeff told me something
about you.


That you have O.C.D.

lt's okay, 'cause l'm--
l have it too.

- lsn't that kind of great, though?
- That's unbelievable!

l'd give you five, but l don't want
to touch your hand.

- l'd have to wash it.
- Yeah, me too.

- lt's exhausting, isn't it?
- Ugh.

- The counting, the cleaning.
- Planes can drive me crazy.

They can really
drive me crazy.

That whole one bag
is devoted to soap.

Oh, here's David.

- Hey, David.
- Hey.

- Sorry.
- How's it going?

- Good, how you doing?
- Good. l'm gonna hit the lounge.

What is that,
The Admirals' Club?


- See you, Cady.
- Okay.

l'll see you
on the plane.

- Well, l'm all checked in, uh...
- Okay.

- Should l wait for you?
- Sure, yeah.

- Okay, good.
- Okay.

Flight attendants,

please prepare
for departure.

- Hey.
- Huh?

Thanks for that
O.C.D. story.

- We're really bonding.
- Really?

She looks at me
like l'm a different person now.

- Wow.
- l can't believe it, it's amazing.

Do you have
anything to read?

l just sit here.

You don't have a magazine
or a book, nothing?

No, l just sit.

How come you didn't bring
a book or a magazine?

l don't need one,
l like just sitting.

Who could sit on a plane
for five hours like that? That's crazy.

l can.

Excuse me.

Sir, could you please put your
seat in the fully upright position?

- Let me ask you a question.
- Yes?

Did he tell you
to say that?

- Did who tell me what?
- That guy right there.

Did he tell you
the seat wasn't upright?

l don't know what you're talking about, but
we're trying to take off.

l saw him talking to you.
Did he tell you my seat--

Sir, let me tell you what l need.
l need you to be quiet

and in this seat,
with the seat fully up.

- Okay.
- That's what l require, okay?

- But l saw him--
- Did you hear what l require?

- Yes, ma'am.
- That's all l require, ''Yes, ma'am.''

That's very good,
you're learning quick.

- But wait a second.
- Excuse me?

Would you mind telling me
what he said to you up there?

- l saw him whisper to you.
- Sir, l'm trying to get to New York.

- Do you want to go with me?
- Yes, l do, ma'am.

Then we can't talk any longer.
l got stuff to do.

- Okay? All right.
- Okay. Okay.

Hey, Schwimmer.

Did you tell
the stewardess

my seat wasn't in the upright


Hmm, interesting.

- Yeah?
- What were you talking to her about?

That's my business.

Just give me a snippet.

No, the discussion
l had is privileged.

Can you give me a hint?
What's the area?

What could you be talking
to a stewardess about?

Did you allude to me?

Ladies and gentlemen,

the captain has turned on
the ''Fasten Seatbelt'' sign.

lf you're up and about the cabin,
please return to your seats

and make sure your seatbelts
are securely fastened. Thank you.

Welcome to The Regency.

- Welcome.
- Thanks.


- Hi, how are you doing?
- Good.

Okay, all right.


You know what?
Don't have any small bills.

- l'll get you later.
- Okay.

l detect a little
skepticism there.

- lt's okay.
- No no no.

- What's your name, Tim?
- Tim.

- You're working today?
- Yes.

l'm all over this,
all right?

You'll see, l'll be back.

Sir, the bellman will bring up
your luggage after you check in.

Oh, okay.


l only have big bills.

l'll get you later.

Sir, whatever-- whatever
pleases you. That's fine with me.

Do l detect any doubt there?
'Cause l--

- No, not from me. l trust you, sir.
- You know what?

Here, this is
a better idea.

- Here's 20.
- Okay, thank you very much, sir.

Split it with Tim.
You know Tim outside?

- Split it with Tim?
- Yeah, give Tim 10.

- Absolutely, thank you so much.
- Very good.

Thanks a lot.

Uh, if you're hungry
later this evening,

there's a restaurant
in the lobby called The Library.

- l highly recommend it. Very good food.
- Okay.

This is your key,
access to your room.

lt's a card,
this is the card slot.

Simply insert the card
into the slot.

There's a beeping,
wait a second.

Firmly apply pressure
and in you go.

That's fascinating.

Some of the amenities,

you have a telephone.
Dial nine to get out.

- There's a television, here.
- Okay, got that.

Just open these.
And you have remote control

- for power on and off...
- On and off, copy that.

channel up and down,
volume up and down.

- A minibar also, underneath.
- Got it.

- Thermostat for temperature control.
- Yeah, l've seen those.

Uh, bathroom,
uh, with shower.

To turn on the water,
you go like that with your wrist

and the water
comes out?

Yes, yes.

- Uh, the cold is on the right.
- Uh-huh, okay.

- And that's a window?
- Yes.

You walk over to it
and you can look out.

- ls that what it's for?
- Yes.

- Basically that's what it's for, right?
- Basically, yes.

All right, excellent.
l think l got everything.

The floor is for standing.

l think l got it.
Kind of complicated.

l'll go over it again.
Okay, thank you.

- You're welcome. You're very welcome.
- All right.

l don't have anything
for you right now.

l only got, like, 20s.

Sorry, l'll get you

- Don't be dubious. Don't be dubious.
- No no.

You're dubious.
l'm gonna get you tomorrow.

Thank you very much.
Thank you.

l'll see you outside.

- Seriously, l will. There's no problem.
- Okay.

l'm not gonna
give you a 20, that's nuts.

That's nutsy, right?
Come on.

Sure, it's very nuts.
lt's crazy.

- Have a pleasant evening.
- l'm supposed to give you a 20?

The guy will wind up with more money
than me if everybody gave him a 20.

- Hello?
- Hey.

- Let's go down and get a drink.
- l just got here.

Who wants to sit in the room?
Let's go down.

- l kind of gotta go study my lines.
- Study your lines?

You've got two days left
until the anniversary gift expires.

l've got two days
until l open on Broadway.

You know your lines. You're gonna be
great, don't worry about it.

Now you need to go down
and meet some gals.

Can't let this
run out, my friend.

All right, give me
a half hour.

l'll see you
down there.


- Oh, hi.
- Hello. l'm being very witty.

- Oh, are you?
- Yeah.

- As is your wont.
- As is my wont.

Larry David, l'm sorry,
your name again?

- Christina. Hello.
- Hello.

How do you two
know each other?

- We're business associates.
- Yes, we're in business together.

- What kind of business are you in?
- Grooming.

- Pet grooming.
- Pet grooming?

- Really? Wow.
- Pet grooming?

Yeah, we have a truck
and we shampoo dogs.

We have a staff that does it.
We sit in the front.

We groom sometimes
with scissors.

Horses, cats,
any animal.

What do you really do?
Come on.

He is about
to star on Broadway.

- What, really?
- ln ''The Producers.''

- ln ''The Producers''?
- Max Bialystock.

- You're kidding.
- No.

Why are you making
that face?

l have a tic.
l'm going on stage with a tic.

You don't have a tic.
l didn't see the tic before.

Come on.

You know, it could
throw off the show.

Ask her what she does.

What do you do?

l'm a fellatio teacher.

- Good, very good.
- Okay, now, let's be honest here.

lf l had made it up would l have said, ''Ask
what she does''?

- l know you made it up.
- No, it's not like--

How much money did he
give you to say that?

- No, it's absolutely true.
- l'd let you find out on your own.

- Oh, sure, yeah.
- l am a fellatio teacher.

- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.

- That's what you do?
- Yes.

- You have classes?
- l'm an expert.

l don't know how anybody
could do that without a blindfold.

- That's crazy.
- lt's a grotesque monster, that penis.

No, it is not grotesque,
don't even say that. lt's beautiful.

And it's sad if somebody doesn't get
to experience it, yeah.

Oh, dear God.

All right.
A little Mexicali.

Do you like
spicy food?

l love spicy food.

- l-- l love spicy food.
- l love spicy food.

Did you know...

that spicy food makes

a man's come
taste delicious?

- l did not know that.
- lt does.

- l did not know that.
- lt's true.

Little Johnny
did not know that.

Delicious, oh-ho.

- So, l started teaching classes.
- Uh-huh.

l wrote a book.

l started realizing that
women were just so...

sort of timid about
the whole thing.

You okay?

Just the way l like it.


What's your favorite part
of getting a blowjob?

You've got some napkin
on your head still.

- Are you drinking that water?
- You know what?

That's my water.
That's my--

- People are eating.
- Yeah, it went down the wrong pipe.

How's the food?

Where do you live?

Live in the city?
Using that napkin?

- l think l'm gonna go.
- What?

Yeah, l don't feel
hungry anymore.

- What, really?
- l'm feeling a little sick, actually.

Where are you going?

You'll never regret this.
Thank you, Herr Liebkind.

That's all
l'm talking about.

Hey, what's up?
What's going on?

How much longer do you
think this is gonna go on?

l can't say really.

You know, we open
in two days.

You should maybe
get some sleep.

You want to be
refreshed, right?


Mmm, dude, have you
seen my watch?

l lost my watch
l think at rehearsal.

lt's a black Tag,
with three silver things,

like, three dials on it.

- ls that Jennifer Aniston?
- Seriously, have you seen it?

- Huh?
- No, l don't know what--

- l didn't see any watch, no.
- Hey, you guys made it!

Come on in, hey!
lt's all right, go ahead.

- There's sushi on its way.
- David, who are you talking to?


Okay, hold on.
Hold on.

Um, l'll see you at the meeting
tomorrow, yeah?

Get some sleep, dude.
Seriously, you look ill.

How's it coming?

- Almost done, sir.
- Yeah?

Freezing in here
last night.

l could not turn down
that air conditioning.

Yeah, sometimes they just--

you've gotta get in there and fix it
and it'll work again.

- You're a pretty smart guy.
- Thank you very much.

l could study the rest
of my life,

every day, eight hours a day, l could
never do that. For the rest of my life.

- l'm not even kidding.
- Maybe, l don't know.

- Ah.
- Good morning.

Good morning.

Beautiful beautiful.

There you go, sir,
thank you.

$53? lt's breakfast.

l don't set
the prices, sir.

Eggs, pancakes,

juice, coffee-- $53?

Mm-hmm, it's a nice
breakfast, yeah.

Tip is included?

- Yeah, 18%. You just need to sign.
- 18%.

Do people generally
give you more

- on the extra bonus tipping?
- Yeah, sometimes.

- They do?
- Yeah.

- l'll give you another 2%.
- Thank you very much.

All right?
Thank you very much.

- Thank you, have a nice day.
- Okay, you too.

Pardon me.

- Hey, Andy!
- Hey hey hey.

How are you,
Mr. Ethel Merman?

- Look who's here.
- Look at you.

- Wow.
- See, l called you. Are you happy?

You called,
here l am.

- Are you coming tomorrow night?
- Of course l'm coming.

- l got one ticket for you.
- Okay, how are you gonna get it to me?

l'll leave it
at ''will call.''

Oh, no, it's packed there.
Especially opening night.

Okay, fine fine fine.
l'll get there early. l'll be fine.

So, how is play practice?
How's it going?

Rehearsal, yeah.

l call it play practice.
When l was doing ''Pippin,''

we stayed after school
for play practice.

But how is it?

l don't see you doing it at all,
but you'll be great!

- You'll be wonderful.
- Yeah, thanks.

- l didn't know you sang and you danced.
- l really don't.

- Wow!
- l don't know, Mel Brooks liked me--


Oh, my gosh,
you're a star.

- You're gonna be a star.
- Oh, stop it.

So what are you doing?
Wanna take a ride out to Westchester,

maybe go look
at some open houses?

- You're buying a house?
- No no no.

Open houses, you just go,
you visit, you know?

You just go in,
you tour around

pretend you're buying,
but you don't.

Just go drive around
to homes?

lf you're not buying them what's
the point? Just to look at the homes?

- Yes! Oh, it's beautiful--
- You know what?

l can't do it anyway.
l gotta study my lines.

- l can't do it.
- Okay.

- All right, sir, we're all done.
- All right.

- Excellent job, thank you.
- Thank you, sir.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you, no problem, okay.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Goodbye.
- Bye-bye.


Was l supposed
to tip that guy?

- The guy fixing that?
- Yeah.

Uh-huh. Not a lot,
but you gotta tip him.

Why do l have to tip him?
He's just a--

he came in and fixed

He performed a service
and you tip him for a service.

Of course you do.

This whole tipping thing,
it's so confusing.

Good morning, Mr. David.
ls this a good time to clean up?

Okay, come on in.

Hey, let me ask you
a question.

- Did you find that watch on your cart?
- Yes.

- Really?
- Yeah.

l know whose watch
that is.

Schwimmer, hey, l hope you get
this message.

l found your watch.

You can thank me
at the meeting.

All right, goodbye.


- Remember me from yesterday?
- Yeah yeah, sure.

Everything okay?
lt's all straightened out?

Straightened out what?

l gave the other doorman,
the heavy-set guy with the glasses...

- Yeah--
- l gave him $20, told him to give 10.

- You didn't get the $10?
- No.


How you doing?
How you doing? Take care.

- He didn't give you any money?
- No, not a dime.

You sure he didn't
give you anything?

Yeah, l'm sure.

ln other words,

he's got the $10 now,

and he chose
not to give it to you.

- ls that what you're saying?
- No, that's what you're saying.

l'm saying l didn't get
$10 from him.



All right.

- Here you go.
- Thank you. Thank you very much.

- You're welcome.
- This means a lot.

l'll tell you,
Sanjay over there

was a little upset
this morning.

You didn't--
you didn't take care of him.

Take care of him?
He's a repairman.

Well, yeah, but he helped you out
and you didn't--

He works for the hotel.
My air conditioning wasn't working.

l didn't have a good night's sleep.
What am l supposed to do?

Just, maybe want
a little something.

Can you have any kind
of conversation with you people

without it ending up
with a financial exchange?

Well, yes, but,
like l said--

Oh, all right.

Excuse me.

Oh, hello, sir.

l was talking to Tim
over there.

He says you were
a little upset this morning

that you didn't get
some kind of gratuity.

A little perturbed,
yeah, a little.

- Really?
- Yeah, sure.

That's your job, Sanji.

You know, it's just like,
''Hey, l appreciate this.''

Common courtesy sometimes,
''Hey, thank you.''

- Common courtesy, really?
- l put in the time, you know,

fixed the air for you.

- l'll tell you what l'm gonna do.
- Yeah.

- You know the show, ''The Producers?''
- Sure, big show.

l'm in the show. l'm gonna get some
tickets today, l'll give you a ticket.

- How about that?
- l'll take a ticket.

- So we're square?
- Yeah, we are, that's good karma.

- All right, Sanji.
- Hey, that's good. Sanjay.

- Sanjay.
- Thank you.

Excuse me, hey,
could l ask you a favor?

- Would you please take our photograph?
- Thank you.

l'm not really
very good at this stuff.

lt's no big deal,
it's just a point-and-click.

- All right.
- But you gotta turn it around.

- Oh, okay.
- Thank you.

But do it

Okay, you know what?
lt actually works

a lot better like this

'cause l get
all the background.

l see the buildings,
l see the signs.

Okay, but take it horizontally,
and if l want it vertical

l'll Photoshop it,
and this way l have the option.

- Just do it horizontally.
- l mean, if you saw what l see--

- l got it here. Take it horizontally.
- Maybe he's right.

- You get the whole city feel.
- l see the whole background.

- Don't do this, okay?
- John, l was just--

You are constantly undermining
every decision l've made on this trip!

- Sir, you know what?
- There's nothing l can do to please you

since you got off
the goddamn airplane!

Why don't you guys
work this out, okay? Seriously.

Oh, so no photo?

- So you're out, that's it?
- Yeah, l'm out.

- Okay, thanks.
- Excuse me, is that you?

That's the actor.
We just picked up our tickets.

- We're seeing the show tomorrow night.
- You're in the show?

Great, oh,
l can't wait!

Because you



- Where's Max Bialystock?
- Absolutely.

He'll be here.
He'll be here.

- Mel, l really--
- Hello.

Hi, Larry.

# Larry David and you're
dangerously near me #

# lt's Larry David! #
l'm so glad you're here.

- Hey, Norm.
- Hey, Larry, how are you doing today?

Susan Stroman,
the best director.

You are so lucky
you got her.

Look, l got the lenses
put in my Max glasses.

- Check it out.
- Great.

Oh, it's great.
l like it.

- You love that?
- Absolutely.

- My father wears these.
- l love them.

Okay, you think
they'll work.

l got your message, by the way.
Thank you so much.

- You're welcome.
- He found my watch.

- Oh!
- Fantastic.

l lost it yesterday sometime.
Anyway, thank you so much.

Oh, do you have it now?

- That's fantastic.
- That's a relief.

All during rehearsal
he was going,

- ''Where's my watch?''
- Did you leave it at the hotel?

What the hell
is going on here?

Are you kidding
or you really found it?

No, l found it
and l had it in my pocket.

Did you look,

Remember putting it
in your pockets?

- l put it in this jacket pocket.
- That jacket?

What, you lost
the watch?

Oh gee, l guess
l lost the watch,

- l'm sorry.
- You lost--

Maybe it's in the cab.

lt could drop out
of the pocket.

- Did you take your jacket off?
- No.

l'm just trying
to comprehend this.

You lost my watch
that you had

less than an hour ago
in your hands, correct?

Yeah, sorry.

Well, you owe me
a watch.

What are you, nuts? You didn't
even have a watch to begin with,

so you're in the same position.
There's no change.

lt's a little different. You had
my watch and now you don't.

He's right, the watch
was lost,

so it continues
to be lost.

- What can l say?
- You can say-- you can say,

''l'm sorry,
and l'll buy you a new watch.''

- Buy you a new watch?!
- Yeah.

lt was a lost watch.

- You didn't have the watch, right?
- Absolutely, no.

He found the watch,
so he had the watch.

- Yes.
- The watch was there. He had it.

- David lost the watch.
- David lost the watch.

Who found the watch?
Why is David this upset now?

l don't know why
David's this upset now.

- Because it's not your watch.
- He did not intentionally lose it!

No, 'cause he lost
it first, maybe he should--

- Possession is 9/10ths--
- lf the watch had never been lost--

Hey hey, all right!
All right! All right!

We must go on here.
We have a show to do.

Max and Leo have got
to get along.

The whole point of the show
is that Max and Leo love each other.

That's the success
of this musical, is that journey,

that you not only become
successful producers,

you become
wonderful friends.

Now, we can't let what has happened here
come into this show.

- She's right.
- You don't have to worry about me.

- What are you doing?
- l'm just arranging--

lt looks like you're building
a sandcastle on the table.

Let's start to read.

Now, fellas,

the one thing l wanted to talk about
was that opening scene.

Oh, you know what? l just gotta wash
my hands. l'll be right back.

l don't know,
we need to get started.

Have you noticed?

Have you noticed him
doing stuff like this?

He's compulsive
beyond belief.

Some people get nervous,
they wash their hands.

lt's a quirk,
it's a quirk.

You know,
people have quirks.


All right, so now
about that first scene,

the thing is, you have to drive
that scene forward.

- Larry?
- Yeah.

So you've got
to pick up the cues.

All right, why don't we
go to page nine in the script,

see if we can
get started here?

lt's not like l lost it
on purpose, did l?

l know, he's like
a little crazy or something.

Did l take his watch and throw it
in the river or something?

l mean, of course
l wanted to keep the watch.

- l was excited l got it for him!
- l know.

l didn't
understand that.

- That's so crazy.
- So crazy. So crazy.



# Opening night #

# lt's opening night! #

l don't know what l was thinking!
l can't do this!

Nathan, l'm crazy!
Why did l--

Stop it! Just stop it!
l said stop it!

Now stand up!

Take this
and go out there!

You can do it!

Don't even
look back!


- Hey.
- You wanna go over there?

- What, to the theater?
- Yeah.

Are you cra-- we've got like,
an hour and a half.

l thought l'd get there
a little earlier.

No, l'm gonna do
some stretching.

- All right.
- You do any kind of warm-up?


- Like what? What do you mean?
- Like stretching.

- Stretching?
- Never mind.

Hey, what about--

how do you feel about reimbursing me
for the watch?

lt seems to me
your watch was missing.

l mean, we've gone
over this,

but if l didn't find your watch
in the first place,

- then it's not mine to lose.
- Who had it last?

You're in the same position
now as when l started...

- Who had it last?
- why am l getting blamed for it?

- l mean, you had it.
- You lost your watch.

- Let's not. We have a show to do.
- Okay, fine.

- By the way.
- Yeah?

You did tell the stewardess
that my seat

- wasn't in the upright position, right?
- Okay, l'll see you.

Larry David.

- Hi!
- l'm a nervous wreck.

Oh no, this'll be exciting.
You're gonna be great!

l'm gonna destroy your entire show,
don't you understand?

You're doing a great job.
They're gonna love you.

- You're gonna get out there--
- Why are they gonna love me?

- People dislike me intensely.
- 'Cause you're great!

The audience is not
gonna love me.

Yes they are. Mel never would
have let you do the show.

What are you doing
here so early?

l have to get here early
every single night.

l do have rituals.

- Oh, you've got some O.C.D. stuff.
- Yeah, lots of them.

- What do you got?
- Oh God, pacing, petal counting.

l think l'm gonna bang my head
against the wall, maybe 50 times.

- You don't want to do that.
- No, l do.

'Cause my mother used to say
that to me growing up.

''Go bang your head against the wall,''
and l took it literally.

l did. l used to bang
it against the wall.

That's why l got this condition in the first
place, listening to my mother.

Thank you, by the way.
That was so sweet of you,

with the guy with the handbag.
That was dangerous.

That was really

- l didn't think so.
- Oh.

- Honestly.
- No, you're so sweet.

You know, l didn't even
think twice about it.

Honest to God.
The right thing to do.

Well, thanks.
That doesn't happen much.

lf l didn't go into show business,
l was going to become a fireman.

- Hmm.
- All right.

l've been thinking
about that

10th anniversary
present of yours.

You wanna come in?


Close the door.

What is that?

- What is that?
- What?

- What is that? What is that?
- What? What?

- ls that Bush?
- Yeah.

You've got a picture of Bush
in your dressing room?


You're a Republican?

Yes, Larry,
l'm a Republican.


What the fuck
were you thinking?!

A picture of Bush,
who gives a flying fuck?

l'd fuck her
with a Bush mask on!

You think these glasses are okay?
l think l made a mistake.

l look like l'm about 85 years old
in this costume,

- l swear to God, look at me.
- No, you look great.

Who's this?


Andy, they're at
the ''will call'' window!

What are you talking--
of course l left them there!

Are you crazy? l've got my costume on,
l'm not gonna go out there.

Quiet down,
all right.

l'll be there
in a minute.

Stupid cousin Andy,
you know?

The ticket, they don't have it
at the ''will call'' window.

Shit, do me a favor,
help me with this, will you?

How did you get this on?
l can't even figure it out.

- l know.
- Let me go down. l'll go down.

l can't, l've got
to take care of this.

- They don't have them.
- What?

They don't have
my tickets, l asked.

- Shh, quiet down.
- l told you.

- Why didn't you give them to me?
- Did you mention my name?

How would l know
to ask your name?

You said they'd be under my name.
Honest to God!

Excuse me, l'm sorry.
Excuse me.

Hey hey hey,
there's a line here!

- l just need one ticket.
- But there's a line here.

- Go to the back of the line.
- l'm in the show, l'm Bialystock.

l don't care who you are,
go to the back of the line!

- Thank you.
- That is so rude!

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

l'll see you after, okay?
We'll go for coffee.

- Hey.
- Thank you for the ticket.

- You're very welcome.
- Very kind. lt has your name on it.

Larry David,
that's you, huh?

- Almost show time, huh?
- Where did you get that watch?

Oh, l found it.

Yeah, in the hotel,

Yeah, l found it
in the hotel.

Okay, l'm sorry
to tell you this,

but that's
David Schwimmer's watch.

- No, l found it, it's my watch.
- l know you found it.

- You found it in the hotel, right?
- Yes, yes.

- lt belongs to David Schwimmer.
- No, finders keepers.

Finders keepers? No, not
finders keepers, that's not right.

- l found it.
- l know, but it's not your watch.

- lt's my watch now.
- lt's David's, come on.

Okay, okay, fine.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Hey, honey!
- Hey.

What are you doing
in the lobby

20 minutes before the show
fighting with a Sikh?

lt's too long a story,
l gotta get out of here.

l can't talk now,
l'm so sorry, l gotta--

Okay, okay,
happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary.

How did it go?
How did the anniversary gift go?

Did you cash in?

- Alas, l did not.
- lt didn't happen?

But l'll still have an hour
after the show ends.

- Okay, yeah.
- So don't count me out yet.

No no, you still
have an hour.

Okay, you should
get going.

Good luck.

l gotta go.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What are you--

are you kidding?

- Huh? Look a little familiar?
- Give me.

Where did you--
how, what happened?

One of the maintenance guys
from the hotel had it on.

Out in the lobby.
l had to wrestle him for it.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

l'm sorry about--
maybe l went a little--

Well, l went too.
l'm sorry too.

hey, break a leg.

You too, man.

Hey, let me ask you

- All water under the bridge, right?
- Yeah yeah yeah.

Just for my own

what did you say
to that stewardess?

Did you tell her about the seat not
being upright?


You're really something.

Oh no!

No no, l--


You guys are terrific!

- You look great!
- Oh.

You look like Bialystock,
and you look like Bloom!

- What's your first line?
- Uh...

''The reviews come out
a lot faster when the critics

- leave at intermission.''
- Perfect!

And your first when you come
in and he scares you?

Yeah, ''Scared,
can't talk.''

- Perfect! This is gonna be fabulous!
- Thank you for everything.

Break legs,
break everything.


- Hear it? Overture.
- Here we go.

- Good luck. Don't break anything.
- Enjoy!

# Opening night #

# lt's opening night #

# lt's Max Bialystock's
latest show #

# Will it flop
or will it go? #

# The cast is taking
its final bow #

# Here comes
the audience now #

# The doors are open,
they're on their way #

# Let's hear what
they have to say #

# He's done it again,
he's done it again #

# Max Bialystock
has done it again #

# We can't believe it #

# You can't conceive it #

# How'd he achieve it? #

# lt's the worst show
in town #

# We sat there sighing #

# Groaning and crying #

# There's no denying #

# lt's the worst show
in town #

# Oh, we wanted
to stand up and hiss #

# We've seen shit,
but never like this #

# Max Bialystock
has done it again #

# The songs were rotten,
the book was stinking #

# What he did to Shakespeare,
Booth did to Lincoln... #

We have these
specially made up

for Max Bialystock.

# We couldn't
leave faster #

# What a disaster #

# We are still
in shock #

# Who produced
this schlock? #

# That slimy, sleazy #

# Max Bialystock #

# What a bum! #

The reviews come out
a lot faster

when the critics leave
at intermission.

''By the end
of 'Funny Boy,'

Max Bialystock's

hopeless new musical
of 'Hamlet,'

everybody is dead.

They were
the lucky ones.''

And this is the best
review we got!

# l used to be
the king #

# The king #

# The king
of old Broadway #

lt's good to be
the king.

# My praises
they would sing #

# A Ziegfeld,
so they'd say #

# My shows were always
filled with class #

# The best champagne
would fill my glass #

# My lap was filled
with gorgeous ass #

# You couldn't call me
crass in any way #

# We believe you,
thousands wouldn't #

# We believe you,
every word #

# We believe you,
thousands couldn't #

# We believe each word
we've heard... #

Such reviews.

How dare they insult me
in this manner?

How quickly they forget.

l am Max Bialystock!

The first
producer ever

to do summer stock
in the winter!

# Once he was a king... #

You've all heard
of theater in the round?

You're looking at the man
who invented theater in the square.

Nobody had
a good seat!

# King of old
Broadway... #

l spent my entire life
in the theater.

l was a prot?g? of the great
Boris Thomaschefsky.

Yes, he taught me
everything l know.

l'll never forget.

He turned to me
on his deathbed

and said,

What does that mean?

l don't know,
l don't speak Yiddish.

Strangely enough,
neither did he.

ln my heart l knew
what he was saying.

He was saying,
''When you're down and out

and everybody thinks
you're finished,

that's the time to stand
on your two feet and shout,

'Who do you gotta fuck
to get a break in this town?'''

# Fame is in my sights
again #

# l take those fancy
flights again #

# l'm gonna scale
the heights again #

# Bialystock will
never drop #

# Bialystock will
never stop #

# Bialystock will be
on top again #

# Fame is in his sights again,
he'll take those fancy flights again #

# He's gonna scale
the heights again #

# He'll be on top again,
hey! #


Anybody here?

Mr. Bialystock?

Who are you?
What do you want?

What are you
doing here?

Speak to me,
dummy, speak!

Why don't you speak?

Scared, can't talk.

All right, calm down.

Relax, get ahold
of yourself.

Take a deep breath.


Who are you?

l'm Leopold Bloom.
l'm an accountant.

l'm from
Whitehall & Marks.

l've come here
to do your books.

Oh, you have,
have you?

Now, let's see.

lf we add these
deductions, we get...

Oh, it's absolutely

but under the right

a producer could make
more money with a flop

than he could
with a hit!

Yes, it's quite

lf he were certain
that the show would fail,

a man could make
a fortune!


- Yes what?
- What you were saying.

- Keep talking.
- What was l saying?

You were saying that under
the right circumstances--

you were saying...

that under the right

What was l saying?

That under the right

Under the right


That's the question.


Boy, you got a nice

healthy head of hair there,
you know that? Look at that!

lt's like a pelt!


l didn't really get the good shave today,
you know?

l don't know why,
l'm an excellent shaver.

Feel this cheek, Bloom.
Feel that cheek.

lt's like a tush.
ls that not a tush?

l got a tushy cheek.

- Um, it's--
- Boy oh boy.

Please, Mr. Bialystock,

um, l've discovered

that a man...

could make more money
with a flop

than he could
with a hit.

Does that bring
any scheme to mind?


- Ever play this game?
- l'm sorry.

- You don't come to theater with a hat.
- Never did that one?

- No.
- You don't wear a hat to the theater.

- lt's not a hat, sir.
- Take your hat off!

- l won't take my turban off!
- l can't see!

lt's not my fault,
he gave me the tickets.

- Calm down and try to watch.
- No! No!

- Fine, watch!
- You're disturbing everybody.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is my cousin Andy.

lt may come as no surprise
to you to learn

that he is the product
of incest.

Of course, among friends
and relatives,

Andy is known by his
affectionate nickname--

The Primary Reason
for Anti-Semitism.

l know from experience

the only way we're going to get him
to calm down

is to put a Swanson
frozen dinner on his lap.

Wait, let's go back.

- Yeah, let's go.
- This is funny.

l know he's quite partial
to the Salisbury steak.

You know, there might be
an upside

to this whole

because if any of you are looking
for an apartment in New York--

and l know they're
very hard to find--

Andy is subletting
his mouth.

There's a lot
of room in there.

A lot of room.

l know there was
a Taliban living in there,

but he left and he's now
renting some space

under the Sikh's turban.

But the turban,

it has all kinds of practical

lt's a tourniquet,

it makes
a lovely sash.

Say you want to have
an impromptu game

of Pin the Tail
on the Donkey,

you've got
a blindfold.

All right,
what was l saying?

What was l saying?

What was l saying?

You were saying...

that under the right

a producer could make
more with a flop

- than he could with a hit.
- lt's quite possible.

Yes, you keep saying that,
but you don't say how.

Well, it's simply a matter
of creative accounting.

Let's assume for a moment
that you are a dishonest man.

Assume away.

Did you see the look
on their faces

when Larry David forgot
every line he had?

He went up,
up in smoke!

Oh, God, l'm so glad.
l'm so thankful!

Thank God that this damn play
is going to be over.

- We're going to get our lives back.
- He has freed us

from the anchor, from the albatross
of ''The Producers.''

- Right, right.
- Which has invaded our lives

every single minute,
every hour of every day!

- Trapping us!
- No more openings in Cleveland!

No more sleeping in dirty
beds in Pittsburgh!

We're free,
free at last!

- l know.
- lsn't it wonderful?

How did you know
that he could ruin the show? How?

The minute
l laid eyes on him,

l said, ''This guy
is a disaster.

He's a living--
he's a storm.

He's like a storm that will destroy
everything in its path.''

l mean, he's got
this gift.

Everything he touches,
he dooms.

He's a little cyclone,
a little tornado

- destroying the St. James Theater.
- l know!

Any minute now
the show will be dead.

Here, a toast!

To the death
of ''The Producers.''

May it rest in peace.

lnnkeeper, innkeeper!
Another round of drinks here!

As a matter of fact,

another round of drinks
for everybody in the place.

Here's to failure!

Oh, thank you.
That's very kind of you.

Partners, Leo.

All the way.

And nothing or no one
will ever come between us.

Nothing or no one,

Come in.

Bialystock and Bloom?


Excuse me.


Costing today?



Oh, casting!

No, l'm sorry, miss.

- There's no casting today--
- Uh, actually,

there very well could be casting today.
Come in, come in.

Aw, fuck!

- # Honeymoon #
- # Honeymoon, honeymoon #

- # Keep a-shining in June #
- # Keep a-shining in June #

# Your silvery beams
will bring love dreams #

# We'll be cuddling soon #

- # Ra, ta-ta, ta-ta #
- Take me out!

# By the silvery moon. #

lt's intermission.
Quick, hide your faces.

They'll tear us
to pieces.

- l'll have a Manhattan.
- Two whiskey sours.

So far this is about the funniest thing
l've seen on Broadway.

- l've never laughed so hard in my life.
- Absolutely hysterical.

l thought
l'd split my sides.

Honey, don't panic. There are
a lot of shows on this street.

They may not necessarily be talking about
Larry David and ''The Producers.''

Who would have guessed
Larry David would be so hysterical?

Let's get back.

lf he's as brilliant in the second act
as in the first,

this show's gonna run
for another five years!

l've got to think.
l've got to think.

No way out.

No way out.

- No way out.
- Honey.

- No way out.
- Listen.

- No way out.
- Honey, listen,

this is a small portion
of the audience.

Let's go back and see what
the majority has to say.

- The majority?
- Yes.

- Sure, let's go.
- The majority, come on.

Let's hear from
the majority.

Let's hear
from the majority.

Yes, we'll hear
from the majority.

- This is the majority?
- This is the majority.

# Leo and Max #

# Up off our backs #

# Back on the Great
White Way #

# Leo and Max #

# Back on the tracks #

# We're back on top
to stay #

# So when we take
your money, never fear #

# We'll knock Broadway
right on its ear #

# The cast is great,
the script is swell #

# But this we're
telling you, sirs #

# lt's just no go,
you've got no show #

# Without the producers #

# We'll never quit #

# Hit after hit #

# You and me-o #

# We guarantee-o #

# You're looking
at Leo and Max #

# The producers #

# Leo and Max #

# Ahh... #