Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 5, Episode 1 - The Larry David Sandwich - full transcript

Episode 5x01: The Larry David Sandwich

I'm drowning.

I'm gonna die.

And somewhere I'm not even...

I'm not religious at all, I said god help me.

And I'm deposited, right on the beach !

I went swimming that day for some reason,

something drew me to the water.

Why I don't know !

You know it's like a baby drawn to the nipple.

You know what I... you know or an adult drawn to the nipple.



- Either way, right ?
- You know what I think, Larry ?

- Is that divine intervention ?
- Yeah !

- Unbelievable Larry !
- Is that not divine intervention ?

You know what I think Larry ?

I think this happened for a reason.

Yes, I think so too. It happened for a reason.

Now, maybe you'll start to be more respectful to people

treat people better.
- What are you talking about ?

I'm respectful to people !

- Umh, Larry, Uh...
- What, what Uhuh ?

- Whatever ! Whatever !
- I'm respecting people, I respect people !

- I'm very nice to people.
- Yeah, fine.

So, anyway, uh, amazing ?

Is that amazing ?



True story, every word !

To life !

- Have you gone to temple while holidays ?
- Yeah of course.

I think I wanna go to temple this year.

- You do ?
- Yeah, given what happened and everything

don't you think I should be there ?

Yeah, it's a great thing, but you gotta get your ticket like...

6 months in advance, it's a tough ticket to go to high holy days.

Why does a Jew need a ticket to go to temple, it's crazy ?

I'm not saying I justify it, but...

you need a ticket, now I've got my tickets.

- How am I gonna get one ?
- Um...

You know what...

I'll make some calls and if I hook one up, I'll call you tonight.

We'll see...

Look at this thing...

Look, 've you ever seen a handle like this on a cup

What's the point of this ?

- Looks like "pretend little tea cups".
- I can't... Yeah look !

Look you can't get your index finger in there, what's the point ?

I like watching you do that.

There was something I wanted to tell you.

Oh !

I went by Leo's delicatessen

and what's up on the board ?

A brand new sandwich called "The Larry David"

- Get out of here !
- Swear to god !

Swear to god !

- They named a sandwich after me ?
- They named a sandwich after you !

- You're kidding !
- Yep, yep, yep

I can't believe it, I'm on the board !

You're on the board.

What is it ?

Let's see, there is uh, whitefish...

uh sable,

uh capres, onions and creme cheese.
- What, what ?

- That's the sandwich ?
- Yeah.

- You got a sandwich
- That's a disgusting sandwich really.

I'm gonna get something to eat, I'll see you later.

Look at this.

- Sorry !
- Oh boy !

Oh my gosh, oh what happened ?

He bumped me.

- Did you bump into him ?
- No

You bumped into me !

- You didn't bump into me ?
- Alright please...

- What happened ?
- Uh, nothing.

- Ready to go ?
- Yeah, you're ready ?

- We're gonna take off.
- What ?

We carpooled with you, I'm not ready to leave yet.

- It's enough already.
- Larry what the fuck ?

I'm having fun, Jeff they wanna go.

- You wanna go ? We carpooled
- Yeah we wanna go.

We're not ready to leave, Jeff.

- You just got this fool.
- Alright listen...

You'll get a ride and if you don't get a ride, you give me a call.

- Fine yeah, you'll be here...
- Yeah you'll come back and get us.

- I will, I'll come back and get you.
- I believe that !

Call me Mr. Tibbs !

Don't answer that.

Actually it might be Jeff

calling about the temple tickets.
- I don't care !

- I don't care, come on !
- No no this is kinda important deal.

- Well he'll call back.
- He's not, I told him to...

I try and find out, hello ?

Made some calls but no go on the tickets.

- What a bummer.
- Yeah I'm sorry.

But you know what ?

- You can always try for a scalper
- Really ? They got scalper tickets ?

They usually do.

- Expensive ?
- I have no idea.

- Alright, I'l get some scalper tickets.
- Get some scalper tickets.

We'll just go down there and try to get some.

- Thanks for trying.
- Sure man, I talk to you later.

- Get off !
- What ?

- Get off of me !
- What are you doing ?

What am I doing ?
What are you doing ?

What ?

What's the big deal ? What ?

Why do you have to answer the phone ?

Cause I told you I was expecting a call.

Why ? So what ? I don't...

Good night.

Oh, right...

Mustn't interrupt intercourse !

Oh sacred intercourse cannot be interrupted.

Everybody quiet ! Quiet for intercourse.

Shhhht, don't disturb the intercourse.

Let me tell you something...

This is some kind of sandwich my friend !

It's the first time I really kvelled...

really swelled up with joy,

look at that Larry David sandwich.

I really kvell from this,

it's something that makes me proud above anything.

Alright, alright, I don't even like it !

- What ?
- I don't like it.

Whatever you say just now, you mumbled it

wich is something you do.

You do a lot, you do a lot of mumbling.

- Okay
- You don't have a lot of respect for speech.

You could speak a little clearer, it wouldn't hurt anybody

- Ah laughin' in my face !
- I don't have respect for speech ?

- That's right
- I do, I respect speech.

I disagree.

Look who's here !

Hey, Leo !

So good to see you.

Oh and Mr. David two.

How are you Sir, how are you ?

Fine, fine, thank you.

Leo, first of all,

I wanna thank you

for putting me up on the board,

having my own sandwich.

Larry David sandwich.

Look, look how proud he is.

No problem, it's my pleasure to put the Larry David sandwich

up on the board.
- It's such a wonderful thing.

You like it, yeah ?
You like it ?

What is this, Eh ?

You know...

Not really a big...

Not really a big fish guy, to tell you the truth.

This is the best whitefish in the whole wide world.

No other place got this whitefish but me.

Yeah, I'm sure it is,

but I'm more of a, you know, pastrami...

corned-beef kinda guy.

Can I get a pastrami corned-beef thing ?

You are the whitefish sable. Period.

What do you want me to do ?

- What about tong ?
- No tong !

Hey let me ask you this ok ?

What if I got somebody to switch sandwiches with me ?

- To switch with you ?
- Yeah maybe, you know uh...

Ted Danson or something...

What do you think about that ?

Okay, I tell you what I'm going to do for you...

If the Mr. Danson say Ok

Okay to switch !

- Alright thanks.
- If I can do it, I can do it.

- I see you at the Temple.
- Okay.

Jesus, that guy almost broke my hand with that shake.

You don't whisper to me, please don't...

I said he almost broke my hand with that handshaking.

You know, little time, once in a while,

if you...

if you're pleasant to people.

What's the matter ?

Get a drink of water.

Take some water !

It's ok, Pop !

I think you're gonna be alright.

I got your glasses.

Well your dad has had a mild stroke.

- Really ?
- Yes, but he's going to be fine

I've got him lightly sedated right now

and he's resting.

But he's doing very very well

and there's nothing for you to worry about.

- Okay.
- Absolutely !

My feeling is we may do a little corrective surgery

I don't know exactly when

but we'll have him here for a while.

- It's much better
- Let me ask you a question.

My dad and I were eating in the deli

earlier and uh...

Actually they named a sandwich after me...

- No kidding ?
- Yeah, I got my own sandwich !

- That is great !
- I'm up on the board.

The Larry David, if you go in there...

Oh I've seen that on the menu, everybody's got their sandwich.

Yes but you know, the bad news is that

I can't stand the sandwich between you and me.

- What is it ?
- I see you recoiled a little bit, was it a breath thing ?

- No, no, not at all.
- You put your head back a little bit.

- Not at all, no.
- But anyway, is it...

- Here's my question
- Okay

Is it possible that the sandwich

could have had something to do with the stroke.

If the sandwich was caught

and he started choking and couldn't breath...

and then became fearful, I guess it's possible.

He could raise his blood pressure

His life is not threatened, he's fine and he's resting, so...

The sandwich gave him a stroke.

How do you like this ?

The sandwich !

Do you mind if I...

You know I'm a big fan of "Seinfeld"...

- I don't know if it bothers you
- Why would it bother me ?

- It was a wonderful show.
- Thank you...

I tell you what.

I'm gonna do your father surgery for you.

I'm chief sugery, usually I...

delegate it to somebody else, but...

I would be happy to do this for you.
- Thank you

Now, you're a golfer right ?

I can't believe that sandwich might have been responsible for this.

I'm so sorry.

Whitefish...

Why did he have to give me whitefish ?

There are so many other sandwiches

Pastrami, Tuna, I would have taken tuna !

Even with the mercury...

It stinks in here...

You know what, I think it's smell from the onion !

You want a mint ?

Take a mint.

No mint ?

I got a whole hand full of them.

What ?

What ?

What is it ?

I'm a doctor ?

I'm a doctor ?

I'm...

adopted ?

Adopted ?

- Did you say I'm adopted ?
- I'm sorry, I have to ask you to leave the room.

Now !

- Adopted, you said...
- You're gonna have to leave now.

Let's go, come on, let's go !

I think I'm adopted, I might be adopted...

I think I'm adopted, I could be adopted.

I might be adopted...

- Dennis, hey !
- Where do you come from ?

- Upstairs...
- Upstairs ? What the...

Do you mind if I stop this for a second ?

I have an idea, maybe it'd be more funny...

I suspected this a long time, I really did.

The only thing... the only noticeable thing I have in common with him...

honest to god, is my penmanship I noticed there's a similarity.

Isn't there something with the stroke with oxygen to his brain or something ?

- Come on, adopted ?
- Don't ruin this for me !

- I'm not trying to ruin it for you.
- Don't rain on my parade !

- Hey look who's here !
- Hey !

Hey, man !

Can't shake, bad fingers...

I'm so bummed out ! I'm awful in this.

- It's not you.
- I'm not funny anymore !

It's the writing.

Why are you here by the way ?

Oh we were just... I was at his office...

Thought I'd bring him by. Told him you were filming here.

- He got all excited.
- Yeah, I figured I would check out the pilot.

I really appreciate it.

And uh, oh guess what ?

Leo's... You know...

- They named a sandwich after me.
- Oh you're kidding me ?

- Oh you're kidding, that's great !
- I have a sandwich !

- That's wonderful man !
- I'm on the board.

- You've arrived.
- I'm on the board !

- That is fantastic, that's good news.
- Yep, so...

The thing about is I was wondering...

cause I know you don't go in there very much, I'm in there all the time.

I'm in there three times a week.

And in as much as you don't go in there.

I was juste thinking that maybe...

cause my sandwich is a great sandwich,

but I'm not really a fish guy.

And it's kind of a... you gotta like fish... you know...

You like fish, but anyway...

So I was thinking maybe, you wouldn't mind switching with me.

- Switching sandwiches ?
- Yeah, you know, cause you don't go in there

I'd like to eat my own sandwich, it would be fun

to go in with my dad, and eat my own sandwich, you know...

All right, what the hell, I mean what's the harm ?

- Really ?
- Yeah, why not ?

Well, Ted... Fantastic !

Just, if anyone ask me, what's in my new sandwich ?

Oh, okay, it's uh...

you got whitefish

you know whitefish ?

- Whitefish ?
- Whitefish and sable

What is sable ?

- Sable ? It's a fish.
- It's like the whitefish, it's a smoked fish.

Smoked fish, yeah...

- You have two fishes in the sandwich ?
- Yeah but they blend very well together.

They're like siamese twins, whitefish and sable...

What else is in it ? No condiments ?

Cream cheese...

Yeah some cream cheese that's...

Capers...

There may be some capers I'm not sure,

if you don't like'em you can brush'em off, that's not a big deal.

Onions...

That sounds awful !

What are you talking about, awful ?

My sandwich is turkey, coleslaw, russian dressing

It's a classic.

- People come in, they order a Ted Danson
- Yeah, but you're not there...

- you don't go in there.
- I know

but people ared used to my sandwich

They show up and all of a sudden they're eating, you know...

the Ted Danson sandwich all of a sudden has herring and lox...

- It's not herring, it's not herring
- Capers... Onions...

Shut the fuck up ! It's not herring ! Ok ?

It's whitefish and sable, that's not herring

Instead of ordering a Ted Danson, people go and order a Larry David

What's the difference ?

One tastes good and one sucks !

Why don't you taste it ? Taste the sandwich !

- Taste it !
- I don't wanna taste it, it's...

- You can't even taste it ?
- I don't wanna taste it !

- You won't taste it ?
- No I won't taste your stupid sandwich !

- No I won't !
- Oh so you're not tasting it...

Tickets, tickets ? Who needs...

Who needs tickets ?

Tickets ?

Happy new year.

Tickets ?

- How are you ?
- Good.

- You need tickets ?
- You got something ?

- Do I have... ? I have the best seats.
- Yeah ?

I have fabulous two seats, right down front.

The cantor will be practically spitting all over you.

Really ?

How much ?

Give me $600 for the two.

- I'll give you $300 for the pair.
- I'll take $300.

I'll take the $300...

You have no idea what a deal this is.

Incredible deal you got here.

- Here you are.
- All right.

- You're not screwing me ?
- You're screwing me maybe.

I'm giving you the deal of a lifetime.

- Oh, got them !
- All good.

- All right !
- Got them.

How much ?

Really ?

Oh, jeez.

I don't understand why you buy tickets.

- It's a very popular day.
- Too many jews to go around.

It's not enough, exactly.

By the way, thank you for carpooling with us.

I really never expected you'd get in my car again after the other night.

We're sorry about that.

Listen, this adoption thing, I was thinking about.

Isn't there an aunt or an uncle or somebody from your childhood ?

Any relative who would know, they're all dead.

- They're all dead ? Every last one ?
- All dead.

There's one person though.

I had a nanny when I was...

- You had a nanny ?
- I had a nanny, Johanna Seiderman.

- Yeah ?
- When I was a little kid.

Antoinette tracked her down.

There's a Johanna Seiderman in a nursing home

- in Queens...
- Really ?

And I've written her a letter.

This is terrific. That way you'll have definitive "yes, no."

You might not be happy with the answer, but you'll know the answer.

Let me ask you guys a question.

You pick up the phone during sex ?

Why would you pick up ?

You're in the middle of an intimate moment with your loved one.

- You're gonna pick up ?
- Well, I... Yeah...

- fine.
- Why would you pick up ?

If every blue moon I have sex, I'm not gonna pick up.

You have an answering machine,

- why do you have an answering machine ?
- Thank you.

You're having an intimate moment and you pick up the phone ?

Who does that ?

Hey, Larry.

Larry, Rob.

Oh, sorry I can't shake, Rob.

- Got a bad... a bad hand, somebody...
- Okay. All right.

- So this your wife ?
- No ! What ? No !

- What kind of response is that ?
- No, that's my wife.

Hey, I'll see you inside.

- Okay, see you inside.
- All right, take care.

- Really ! It's always a thing.
- Sorry ? What ? Oh, stop.

"No no no no !"

Well, you know, you've got your Al Capone hat on.

This happens to be a very expensive hat, mister.

- It's rude.
- Let's go in and pray.

Ok, let's go in and pray.

Sorry, Susie.

"Be among those who cherish truth above ease.

Their fruit we eat now;

Their essence remains for us

in the life to come.

- How'd you get that sandwich ?
- What are you talking about ?

That sandwich at the deli !

Leo gave it to me. That's how I got it.

How do you... Did you bribe him ?

I bribed him. That's rich.

What the hell are you talking about ?

- How many times a week do you go ?
- I don't know. Two ?

- I go there five times a week.
- Big deal.

But I eat anything off the menu.

- I eat a lot of stuff too.
- I take stuff out.

- I get deliveries.
- I give it to charity.

Big deal !

What were you talking to him outside ? I saw you talking to him...

- None of your business.
- What was that about ?

The new year, the new year...

"Would you tell me why I didn't get a sandwich, Leo."

- Your sandwich stinks by the way. It stinks !
- "I wanna get a sandwich, Leo !"

You stink.

Excuse me, sir.

I'm gonna need to see your ticket.

Why ?

Your ticket, sir.

Is there a problem ? What's the problem ?

This the guy ?

- Okay, pal.
- You little snitch.

- You're gonna have to step out of there.
- Why ? I have a ticket.

- I can't believe it !
- Do you feel like making a scene ?

- No.
- Shh !

- Oh, shush you.
- Shh !

Shush yourself !

All right, great. Little tattletale.

You little nitch.

He spilled the coffee, by the way, 'cause I couldn't put my fingers through your dainty cup !

You're setting a very bad example for my gentile wife.

You know that ? Look It's her first time in temple.

- Larry, what's happening ?
- They're kicking us out.

- Well, are you gonna wait for us ?
- It's gonna be an hour and a half.

How are we gonna get home ? We carpooled with you.

You'll get a ride. There's plenty of people. Ask somebody...

Let's go.

Get a ride.

Friends, let us continue on page 143.

- I saw you roll about seven feet past.
- Yeah.

Get this: The doctor divorced his wife and is seeing his secretary.

- Just told me.
- Unbelievable.

This guy...

Did you hear from the nanny ?

No, not yet.

- You must be on pins and needles.
- Yeah.

But you know I think if she gets the letter,

I think she's gonna get in touch with me.

I don't know, we'll see.

- That's wild.
- Isn't it ?

He's got the yips.

The what ?

The yips.

- The yips !
- Yeah well, I don't know what that is.

- You never heard of the yips ?
- No.

Okay, it's in golf.

You line up to putt and your hands shake.

He was shaking like this.

Well...

I mean, maybe it's just a golf condition.

He gets nervous when he putts or something.

I can't take that chance. He's operating on my father.

You need to call him and tell him not to do it.

They're gonna have to get somebody else.

- I hate doing stuff like this.
- You don't have a choice.

I hate these calls.

Pick up the phone and call the doctor.

Maybe you could call him.

If it was my father I would've already been on the phone.

You should go out of the room 'cause I can't do this in front of somebody else,

honest to go could you leave the room ?

It's like calling for a date or something,

- you know, I need privacy.
- Oy.

I never...

- I never said you were adopted.
- Yeah, that's what you said.

No, I never said that.

I wouldn't say that to you, no.

It's not true, no.

- You're not adopted.
- It's okay, you can tell me. I can take it.

- You're not, you're not.
- Are you sure ?

Listen, that Larry David sandwich,

I didn't finish it.

I remember seeing a half a sandwich still on that table.

You want the other half ?

You know what, I just ran into your doctor.

I'm meeting him there for lunch.

- What a nightmare that's gonna be.
- What ?

You sure I'm not adopted ?

I never said that.

Never.

Okay.

We'll see what Mrs. Seiderman has to say.

I'd like a Larry David to go, please.

Oh, we don't have that sandwich anymore.

- What ?
- They changed the name.

And I say that it happens every single time.

I swear to god.

No I've never lied to you, not to you guys.

Larry, what are you doing here ?

You stole my sandwich ? Is that what you did ?

- The hell are you talking about ?
- What am I talking about ?

What are you talking about ?

- You stole my sandwich !
- What the fuck does that mean ?

Look, look !

- Look at the board !
- Are you blaming me ?

- I saw you talking to him outside the temple.
- You're out of your fucking mind.

- You don't think I saw who you were talking to ?
- You're losing it !

I always talk to people outside.

It's Rosh Hashanah ! It's the new year !

I talk to deli owners ! I talk to pawnbrokers !

"Leo, can I please have a sandwich ?"

- Oh, bullshit !
- "Please, please !"

You were so jealous that I had a sandwich, up there

and you just couldn't take it, could you ?

You had to get your little sandwich !

- I got a piece of information you might be interested in.
- I can't wait. What is it ?

I'm adopted.

- Bullshit.
- Bullshit ? Bullshit ?

No, it's not bullshit.

What do you mean you're adopted ?

I'm adopted.

How do you know ?

My father told me.

You don't know who your parents are ?

I know they're not those nuts ! I know that !

- But I know who yours are.
- Fuck.

Enjoy your whitefish. Enjoy.

- Larry.
- Yeah ?

Larry, you are adopted ?

- Yeah.
- I adopted too ! You are my brother !

We are in the brotherhood of the adopted !

Larry, come on over here.

You know what I'm going to do ?

I'm going to let you have any sandwich you want.

- Really ?
- Yeah, any one you want ! Take it ! Go ahead, take it.

- Oh, boy.
- Take it.

- It's a tough decision.
- Okay okay, I wait.

I think I'm going to have to go with that Ted Danson.

- Ted Danson ? This yours.

- Thank you !
- That son of a bitch don't come in anyway !

- You got it !
- Thank you.

- Hey, Larry.
- Dr. Sewell.

I want you to meet a friend of mine. Leo, this is Dr. Sewell.

- Leo.
- How are you, Dr. Sewell ?

I think I'll get that Larry David to go.

Do not even think about it.

I'm expecting a call from Mrs. Seiderman.

- Who ?
- You know, my nanny.

Do not pick up that phone.

Nobody's picking up.

I had an answer... to his question.

If only he had picked up.

Mrs. Seiderman ?

Mrs. Seiderman.

Mrs. Seiderman !

Mrs. Seiderman ?!