Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - Wandering Bear - full transcript

Larry and Jeff decide to buy a "Girls Gone Wild" video tape, and that lands them both in the hot seat with Larry's secretary and Jeff's wife after the dog leaves the house during the viewing of the tape. Meanwhile, Larry seeks the help of his native American gardener to cure Cheryl of a feminine problem after Larry mistakenly wears a condom inside out.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
What does it take to be
a "Girls Gone Wild" girl?

You have to show your...!

Those girls
from Cancun are wild.

Yes, they are,
but if you want

to see how wild they really get,
you've gotta get the video.

- Hello?
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Channel 57.

- Yeah, I'm watching.
- Oh ho ho ho!

- What's going on in the world?
- They're college girls. They're wild.

- They've gone wild.
- We've gotta have it.

- Okay.
- I can't have it sent to my house.

- Susie'll kill me.
- I don't want it sent here.

- How about your office?
- Okay, good, my office.

Okay, I'll order it
on the phone.

- Okay.
- Okay, bye.

"...Ultimate Spring Break"
absolutely free.

- You won't believe the insanity...
- Larry?

Oh, have you seen
my Palm Pilot?

Palm Pilot?
It's not here, no.

What are you watching?

Just flipping around.

Um, what are we doing about
the poison oak in the backyard?

I thought you were supposed
to be taking care of that.

Jeff's got this Indian guy.
They're immune to it.

- Wandering Bear, yeah.
- Okay.

Um, I'm gonna
see Jeff tomorrow.

- I'll mention it to him.
- Okay.

I'll take care
of it, okay.

And, um, while we're here,
have you noticed that we have

not had sex
in a very long time?

I'm watching
this thing about hippos.

This is the longest we've gone since
we've been married.

- I had the dog bite.
- I know. That was awhile ago.

It's better,
isn't it?

You went off the pill.
What are we supposed to do?

So we use condoms
or something.

I can't use condoms.
First of all,

I'm embarrassed to buy 'em,
and I'm not good at it.

Why don't
we do this?

I'll call and make an appointment
for you to have a vasectomy

and then we don't have to worry
about this any longer.

- Okay, fine.
- No no, but I want you to think about...

I'll get the condoms.
I'll get the condoms.

- Okay.
- Okay.

So have you seen
my Palm Pilot?

It's not here. It's downstairs.
I think it's downstairs.

...see and hear underwater
and they're well insulated.

Don't miss the videos
everyone's talking about.

"Girls Gone Wild
Ultimate Spring Break"

on video or DVD
for just $9.99.

Yes, I was, uh, I was
thinking about ordering

the tape,
the videotape...

about the college girls
and the wild, the wildness.

They're going wild
or something.

Somebody told me
about going wild.


What's the matter?

Marvin and I broke up.

I mean, I can't believe it.
Larry, I can't believe it.

How come?

I-I just... I can't say.
It's too personal.

Too personal?

I just don't understand, Larry,
why it happened.

Everything was
going so well.

I thought we were gonna
maybe get married.

I just... I didn't
see this coming at all.

I mean how can things be going so well
one day and you're planning a trip,

and then the next day
it's over?

What are those,

Boy, that's really good.

That is a hell
of a candy, you know that?

How do they get the essence
of orange like that?

It's amazing,
just with chemicals.

Well, I got a couple
of things for you to do.

I need you to get
some cash for me.

And I got a corn.
I need some Freeze On.

- I hope that'll get rid of it.
- Mm-hmm.

- One ounce or two?
- Get some Mentos for me.

Fill up my car with mints and gum
and good fresh-breath stuff.

A lot of fresh,

So I'll just
reach into the well

and I'll just have an unlimited
good breath supply.

And, uh, cancel lunch with,
uh, Jason Small for me.

Okay, cancel lunch,
and why?

I don't know. Tell him it's my mother's
unveiling or something.

Okay, so lie and then get
some treats for the car?


Anything else?

Well, your mail
is here.

"Girls Gone Wild,"

Hey, what are you doing
opening my mail?

I thought it was my mail.
I ordered a Pilates video.

Look, it says
"Larry David" on it.

Well, I was
a little distracted.

Anyway it's not for me,
it's for Jeff.

- For Jeff?
- Yeah.

Come on.
"Girls Gone Wild"?

It's supposed to be
"College Girls Gone Wild."

"College Girls Gone Wild"?
Better... they're younger.

Yeah, "College Girls
Gone Wild."

Do you know what
that does to women?

Terrible, I agree with you.
It's terrible.

Do Jeff a favor
and throw that away.

- I intend to talk to him.
- Good, Larry.

Why the hell does he need
this stuff?

- Hey.
- Hey.

I, uh...

got you
what you need.

Everlast condoms,
my friend.

- Hey.
- The best in the business.

Oh, thank you.

With those babies
you're never gonna stop.

- Never gonna stop?
- Never gonna stop.

- I want one called "Get It Over With."
- Not Everlast?

How long you think
I'd want to do that for?

All night long,
I would've guessed.

It gets boring,
come on.

- Fucking's boring?
- It doesn't get boring after awhile?

It's a bore.

No, it doesn't get boring.

What is it?
It's enough, in and out.

These things, by the way,
really give me problems anyway.

- I don't know what... can't get them on!
- Just roll them...

Come on,
they fit me.

You gotta get
them on so fast.

- Who's timing you?
- Hmm.

They'll make you
a different kind of man.

So they really make you, like, last?

All night long.

Thank you for getting them for me.

- I'm embarrassed to go to the store.
- My pleasure.

Remember that Indian
you were telling me about?

- Yeah, Wandering Bear.
- I need his number.

I'll be glad to give it to you.
But don't say you got it from me.

He's pissed off at me
'cause Susie doesn't want me

to pay him because he went
$200 over the estimate.

- But it's an estimate.
- It's an estimate!

Hey, what's going on
with your gal down the hall there?

She's crying and...

I'm having a lot
of problems with her.

You know,
first of all...

- her boyfriend broke up with her.
- Yeah?

And frankly, I'd like
to do the same.

- Why don't you fire her?
- I can't.

- Why?
- Because she knows everything about me.

She knows
my dietary habits.

She knows about all my web of
lies and bullshit and deceit.

- She knows more than Cheryl does.
- You can't fire her.

- She'll destroy me.
- You're trapped.

I'm trapped for life. She doesn't want to do
anything else... this is it.

Oh, dear God,
you're trapped!

You know what else
she knows?

She knows about this.

Oh man, it came!
Wow, "College Girls Gone Wild."

Look at that.
We can go to my house and watch it.

Oh, yeah, we'll have
an "Auto Focus" party.

"Auto Focus" party?

I got the big screen,
we can watch it.

Which character
are you gonna be?

- I'm Bob Crane.
- You're Bob Crane?

You can be
the freakish guy.

- I'll be Willem Dafoe.
- He's a freak.

It's the hottest
"Girls Gone Wild" video ever!

I'm having so much trouble
with these glasses.

- I got these blended bifocals.
- Yeah.

And I can't get...
I can't get used to them.

Yeah, aw, here we go.

Right at the top, they're
just doing it right away.

If a guy did that, he'd get
arrested. You know that?

They'd throw him in jail,
and that would be the end

of him. He'd be a pariah for
the rest of his life.

TV: "Let's see those real
boobies, all right?"

TV (girl): "Oh my god!"

Do you know what a woman
would do if I ever asked her to

Why do you have to analyze
this? Can't we just watch it?

She would spit on me!

If I ever asked a girl to
lift up her top, she would

kick me in the balls and spit
on me.

We waited a long time to see

Now all you're doing is just
yacking. Be quiet, come on.

You know what? I gotta,
actually --

I can't even see in these

Well, sit closer.

These bifocals aren't any
good, I don't think.

I wanna go to the car
and get my other glasses, okay?

- Go ahead.
- Pause it. I'll be back in two seconds.

- No, I'm not gonna pause it.
- What do you mean?

I'm not a pauser.
I don't like pausing.

Well, that's rude. I'll miss

I'll rewind it when you come

But I can see when you rewind
-- it'll give it away.

There's no story! Give what

There's bosoms, that's it!

Well, why give the bosom


Hurry up!

- Ready?
- Yeah, that's more like it.

Hey, what is that? That's
not where we left off.

That's exactly where we
left off.

I guarantee you that's not
where we left off and you --

know it!

- Have you seen Oscar?
- No.


Did you leave
the door open?

- Yeah, when l...
- God damn it.

What, I...




- Oscar!
- Oscar!

- Oskie!
- Oscar!

- See that?
- What?

I waved to a guy in a Prius
and he didn't wave back.

I don't wave to people
with the same car as me.

We're Prius drivers...
we're a special breed.

A special breed.

You know what?
I wanna see what's up with that guy.

See what's up with that guy?
What are you doing?

What are you gonna do
after you catch him?


Oh my God!



Oh my God,
are you okay?

- Oskie, are you okay, boy?
- He seems okay.

He's not bleeding
or anything.

Let me see if he can stand.
Come on, stand up, Oskie.

- Oh, yeah.
- He seems fine.


What do you want to do?
Should we take him to the vet?

He seems okay.

He actually
does seem okay.

All right, we'll go
back to the house.

We'll put the video in,

watch it and the whole time
we'll monitor Oscar.

Yeah, we'll watch
the video,

and we'll keep an eye
on him at the same time.

I'm not saying don't take him
to the vet if he needs to.

We'll watch the video
and monitor him.

Video and monitor,
that's it.

- Let's get him in the car.
- Do not tell anyone about this.

Well, he knows about it.
Good thing he can't talk.

Come on, pal,
hop in.

- He seems okay.
- He seems fine.

- Huh, is it my imagination?
- No, he seems fine.

- I think he seems okay.
- Yeah.

I got news for you.
I don't even think I hit him.

I don't think
you hit him, either.

- I did not hit that dog.
- You did not hit that dog.

Hey, let's make
a pact right now.

If we notice anything wrong
while watching,

we're gonna stop the tape
and take him to the vet.

- Immediately. Let's go.
- Immediately.

See, it pays to lay off
that sex for a while.

It kind of reminds me of when
Mantle was injured in '63.

He was out for
about two months.

Comes back,
first at bat,

out of the park,
home run.

Huh? It's kind
of similar.


There's something really

strange happening.

I am completely numb.


- Down there?
- Yeah.

I can't feel anything.

- Really?
- Yeah.


I don't know why.
This has never happened before.

Well, it has something
to do with the condom?

I don't know
why it would.


lasts all night.

the numbing agent...



I must have put it
on inside out.

Inside out? Honestly, you don't
know how to put this on?

I just... I didn't... no, I slipped it on the way
you're supposed to put it on.

15-year-old boys
do it every day.

- It's not hard!
- I don't use it often. I slipped it on.

There's no instructions
or anything.

- I rolled it down.
- There's a wrong and a right way.

You're the one who wanted
to wear the condom.

You didn't tell me you didn't
know how to put it on, Larry. Jesus.

I didn't know you could
put it on inside out!

- Hello?
- Hey.

Hey, that condom
you gave me, Everlast?

- There's something wrong with it.
- What?

I put it on inside out
by mistake.

Now Cheryl's all numb
in her vagina.

Don't you know how
to put a rubber on?

It's dark... who can read?
I can't start reading instructions.

How could you
have done that?

I knew there was something
uncomfortable about it.

It was really like squeezing
the life out of me.

They're designed
to go the other way.

Then you last
and you last.

- Have you ever heard of this before?
- What?

- The numb vagina?
- We got bigger problems.

- What?
- Oscar is not good.

He's just lethargic
as can be

and his bark
is like...

- emasculated.
- You think it's from the incident?

- Yes, I think it has.
- Jeffrey!

- Susie knows something's going down.
- Where are you?

You listen and you listen good.
You keep that trap shut.

What did you do to this dog?!
Something's wrong with Oscar!

Susie's yelling.
I gotta get going.

I'm sorry about
Cheryl's vagina.

- What's wrong with him?
- I'll talk to you later, bye.


How is it?

It feels like it's been
shot with novocaine.

- Oh my God.
- There's nothing.

I'm really sorry.

Hi, Wandering Bear.

How's it going?



Hey, I'm sorry about that situation
with Jeff and Susie.

You should just go there
and demand that they pay you

the money they owe you.
I guarantee you'll get it.

There's an old
Indian saying,

"What goes around
comes around."

You sure that's Indian?

I thought
that was English.

It could apply
to anyone.

Hey, Wandering Bear,
let me ask you a question.

You're a shaman
of sorts.

You know all about
plants and herbs

and you're kind of
a medicine man in a way.

Last night...

I put a condom on
inside out.

And my wife's vagina
is completely numb.

Do you know of any...

herbal remedy that
might work for her?


give me a pencil
and paper.

Well, I have a pen.

Same thing.


yeah, but you said pencil,

so I just thought I'd
mention that I had a pen.

They both perform
the same function.

That's true.
Pencil has an eraser.

You make a mistake,
you can erase.

So there's a slight difference.
Some people are very specific about it.

- One writes, the other writes.
- But you did say pencil.

Is that a "Y"?

That's a "T."

Thank you,
Wandering Bear.


- Hey.
- Hey.

You forgot to cancel
that lunch with Jason Small.

Oh, yeah.

He called my house.
It was kind of embarrassing.

Really? Wow.

Oh, gosh, I'm really
sorry about that.

Um, today I need you
to go to Mel Brooks's office

and pick up some
music for me.

Then I need you to go
to my business manager's office,

there's a package which I
need you to bring to my house.

Uh, hey, let me ask you,
um, like a guy question.


At home my machine
is full of all these hang-ups.


I'm wondering if it's Marvin
because he wants to talk to me.

- Of course. Yes yes.
- Is it?

So I don't know what to do.

I mean clearly he's
reaching out,

but I shouldn't make
the first move, right?

Yeah, you want
to get the phone?

Should I make
the first...

- No.
- I should stand my ground.


Okay, thanks, Larry.

Hello? Larry David's...

Wandering Bear
cured her vagina.

He wrote down this thing...
it's a root or something.

She went to
a health food store.

I spoke to her on the phone...
she's better.

Wandering Bear
cures vaginas?

That guy is some kind
of magician or something.

I wish I had special powers
over the vagina.

How's, uh, how's Oscar,
by the way?

Not good.

He's, uh, just moping around,
same old thing,

making those noises.

Susie took him
to the vet.

Did you say


Oh, hey, by the way, here,
you can have these condoms back.

No, I'm not
using them anymore.

My doctor
told me not to.

He says it's no good for me
to keep going and going.

It's not good
for my heart.


It's a rubber
for a young man.

You know what?
You might be right about that.

Okay, that's who
it's for.

Hey, my 5-wood's coming in today
at 4:30. Let's go get it.

- All right, I'll pick you up at 4:30.
- Beautiful.


- Hi.
- Hi.

What did the vet say?

He said that Oscar's voice box
is damaged as though somebody

- was trying to strangle him.
- Strangle the dog?

Ssomebody was trying to choke him.
Who could that be, I wonder?

What, who would want to do
something like that?

The dog bit your penis
so you're trying

to fucking kill him?
Is that what it is?

- No, that's ridiculous!
- Really? Then what happened?

How come he can't speak?
What's wrong with him?

I don't know, maybe
he got hit by a car.

Oh, please, he's gonna
get hit by a car, how?

Well, maybe somebody
left the door open.

Who's gonna leave the door open
and let him out?

Jeff could have.

Jeff, did you
leave the door open?

- Yeah, exactly.
- I'm not saying he did it on purpose.

Maybe he went to get
something from his car.

Maybe you didn't try
to strangle him,

but something else happened,
and you were involved,

and I am gonna get
to the bottom of this.

Hi, Wandering Bear.


How is your vagina?


getting better.


Wandering Bear just asked me
how my vagina is.

Well, I'm sure he just wanted
to see if his cure was working.

I don't appreciate

asking me about
my vagina. God.

- Wait a second. Did you thank him?
- No.

You could have at least
expressed some gratitude.

He did cure your vagina,
did he not?

Hey, Wandering Bear...

might not be
such a good idea

to ask my wife
how her vagina is.

I don't know how it is
with American Indians,

but the Jew generally doesn't ask
other men's wives about their vagina.

It's a custom thing.

Well, if you take her
to the white man doctor,

he will not only ask
about her vagina,

he'll look.

Good point, Wandering Bear,
good point.

Anyway, it's really
working out.

She's feeling a lot better.
Thanks again.

Here are the papers

from your business
manager's office.


What about the music
from Mel's office?

Oh, Larry, was I supposed
to pick that up?


I'm sorry.
I totally forgot.

Uh-huh, just like you
forgot to call Jason Small

and cancel
the lunch appointment.

Okay, fine,
I'm sorry.

I'm terrible.
I'm a bad assistant.

You know,
I don't need this.

Do your own errands,
run your own life.

- I'm done. No, I quit, Larry.
- What are you talking about?

- What?
- I don't need this anymore.

- No, you can't quit.
- Tell Jason Small, or maybe I will,

about your mom's
fake unveiling.

How about that?
Isn't that nice?

And I'm sure Cheryl
would love to hear

about "College Girls
Gone Wild."

Yeah, Cheryl, that's right. "College Girls
Gone Wild," Cheryl, it's hot!

You know what? Everybody's gonna know
every lie, every deceit,

every half-truth
you have ever told, mister!

Eight years
of service!

Come on, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
I apologize.

But you can't quit.

Come on, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry!


What are you doing?
What's going on?

She quit. She quit.
She's gonna expose me to the world.

She said she's gonna tell
everybody about my lies and my deceit.

And I said terrible things
about so many people.

And you and Jeff and Susie and Louis,
everybody I know and...

What have you
said about me?

- Oh, did I say you?
- Yeah.

No no, I didn't mean you.
No, the others.

The others, not you.

But the point is that I'm gonna
be ruined, you understand?

- We're gonna have to move.
- Why was she so upset?

I yelled at her. She was supposed
to do some stuff for me.

- She didn't do it.
- I'm sure she'll be fine once she...

She hasn't been fine since she
broke up with her boyfriend.

That's the whole problem.

See, now if I could get
those two back together...

I need to talk to her boyfriend.
I got news for you.


That's what I need to do.

- Hey, Marv.
- Hi, Larry.

- I came to see you.
- Okay, yeah, sit down.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, sure.

So, uh, I wanted to talk
to you about Antoinette.

Oh, uh, yeah,
that's, um...

that's a tough, uh,
a tough situation.

I don't understand
what happened.

You were such
a great couple and...

Yeah, you know,
she's a great gal.

She really is.
I love her...

What are you
breaking up with her for?

You know, it's personal.

I know.
That's what she said.

It's, uh...

Pour it out, buddy.

It's sexual, sexual.

Marvin, I've had every sexual problem
known to mankind.

What is it,
you're impotent?

I've gone 10 years with no erection.
What is that?

That's not it.
It's not that.

When the race begins,

I'm at the finish line
just like that...

Quick quick,
I finish quick.



It's tough.


- Marv.
- Yes?

Your problems
are over.

Everlast condom?

I've used condoms before,
Larry, they don't help.

You haven't
used this one.

All night, my friend...

all night.

I've just got one little
word of advice for you.

Don't wear it
inside out.

Thanks, Larry.

- Hey.
- Ready to go?

Yeah, let me go get my jacket.
I'll be right out.

How's Oscar?

He's not good, Larry.

He's not good.
He's the same.

He hasn't gotten any better.
I know you did something.

I'll get that.

Yeah, good,
go get the door.

Ah, Wandering Bear.

- No, I don't want him in the house.
- Come in.

- Hello, David.
- Hello.

I've come
to collect my money.

Wandering Elk, whatever the fuck
your name is, you were paid already.

You don't need
to talk like that.

- You're a better person than that.
- No, she's not.

We paid you, that was it.
I'd like you out of my house.

- I need to be paid in full please.
- You don't get out of my house,

- I'll get my dog.
- Susie!

- Oscar!
- Susie, come on.

- Oscar!
- Please don't do that.

You see this?
He's useless.

You see what you did to him?
He's useless.

This used to be a watchdog.

May I take a look at him?

Fine fine,
go ahead.


Hey, Prius!

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