Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - The Surrogate - full transcript

Larry needs a clean bill of health for the Producers, but a little heart trouble means no dice. The doctor gives Larry a device called a "heart holter" that is used to monitor his heart. Larry uses the device to get out of some unappealing situations including a baby shower, accusations of blatant racism, and a car accident, which lands him in trouble with his Producers co-star David Schwimmer.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Puffy shirt, puffy shirt.

Can you spare a little change
for an old buccaneer?

You know, it's really
not a bad-looking shirt.

- All right, good show.
- Good show.

- Oh, Jesus.
- Oh my God.

Don't answer it.
I don't want to talk to her.

Well, why does she have
to call after every episode?

Oh, don't...
I'm not here.


Hi, Marilyn.

Uh, yeah,
we just watched it.

Yeah, I know, it's...
it was one of the good ones.

Um, he's actually...
he's unavailable.


Uh, okay, bye.

"Tell him it was one
of my favorite episodes.

It made me
laugh so hard.

I swear, it gets better
every time I see it."

I can't believe this woman
has to call after every single show.

Every... I mean, does it
ever end with this lady?

What are you
doing tomorrow?

I'm getting my physical
for "The Producers."

Can you do me
a favor?

Will you pick up a...

a present for the Dusenberrys'
baby shower?

- Me?
- You're gonna be right there.

- There's a toy store...
- You would entrust me that?

A gift for a baby?

Just get a doll
or something.

So you want me to get
a doll for Betty?

Get a doll for Betty.
It's her baby shower.

Well, what about the surrogate?
Get her anything?

I don't think you need
to worry about the surrogate.

Well, I don't
know about that.

I think the surrogate
is a person, too.

She's having the baby.

The shower is
for Betty.

She's gonna be
opening her presents.

The surrogate's standing there
like an idiot and has nothing to open?

What's the surrogate

Okay, use your judgment,
whatever you think.

If that's what you
want to do, that's fine.

Hey, Charlie,
what's going on there?

Ah, what? What?

Come on, you know
I can't do anything.

Because the dog
bit your penis?


And so you're...

It's not ready.
I'm not ready.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
A couple more days.

Mr. David?

Can I make
an observation?

That magazine

you really need to do
something about that.

I'm not complaining. I'm just...
just making an observation.

Well, the doctor's
ready to see you.


Just, you know,
just for your information,

FYI kind of thing.

- It's right that way.
- Okay.

What are you doing,

stealing your magazines
from garbage cans?

I have never seen such
a collection of shit in my life.

They're all four years old,
those things.

We have other things
that we think about

other than the magazines,
like giving people medical assistance.

"Ladies Home Journal"
from 2001.

"People" magazine.
"Tom Cruise is 40!"

- "Emilio Estevez is 40!"
- Just... just keep walking. Okay.


"Good for them,
they're 40!"

it sounds like
you're reading a lot

- of these magazines you don't like.
- It was right on the cover.

Yeah, you got a lot
of that stuff memorized.

Give me a "Golf" magazine
or something.

I got the point.
We got it, gotcha.

Get "Nation."
How about "Nation"?

Do you read "Nation"?
It's a fabulous magazine.

I have read "Nation."
That's a good one.

- Hey, Larry.
- Hi, Renee.

How you feeling?

- Good.
- Good.

- Larry, how you feeling?
- Okay.

Unfortunately, I can't give you
a clean bill of health at this point.

Yeah, I don't know
what happened.

There was a little,
slight abnormality.

We were going along great,
and you kind of spiked a little there.

And I can't sign
the form for you.

Believe me, there's nothing wrong
with me. I'm fine.

Jack, I'm fine.
Trust me, I'm fine.

Larry, I can't
sign the form for you

without taking some precautions, okay?
Here's what we're gonna do.

It's simple, come on.

There's no

Yes, there is, Larry.

I went to medical school.
I know.

So what we're gonna do is this.
Listen, it's simple:

I'm gonna give you a device
called a heart halter.

This is ridiculous.

Larry, I have to do it.
I have to do it.

It straps on,
a couple of electrodes.

You wear it for 24 hours.
It measures your heartbeat.

You come back and if this was
an abnormality, an aberration,

the device
will confirm it.

You get back on the treadmill
for five minutes,

I sign the slip,
and you're off to Broadway.

- Renee?
- Yes?

Do you have the halter?
You want to give that to Larry?

I'm gonna schedule you
for an appointment tomorrow.

- Let Renee do this, will you please?
- Will you stand up?

Will you take off
your jacket, Larry?


It's really easy.

There we go.
There you go.

That's it.


I got to tell you
what happened last night.

You know, I took Renee home,
you know. We stopped and uh...

Yeah, I just saw her
at Dr. Jack's.

- She's unbelievable.
- She's beyond unbelievable.

But the point
of it is that l...

Look, have you ever made it
with an African-American?

Yes. Twice.

What, the same one twice?

Two different ones.

- Same time?
- No, same time... two different ones.

I'll tell you right now,
for some reason I never...

I never did it with...
with a black...

You never met...
you never met one or...

No, no one I really,
you know...

Okay, so she'll
be the first.

This woman's extraordinary.
So here's the thing:

A couple of months ago
I went to a Knicks game.

And I went
into the locker room

to say hello to some
of my friends.

They were showering
and I looked.

I saw one of the forwards.

And he threw the towel off.
He was getting dressed,

and I looked down.
I saw...

- Big. Yeah.
- Big?

Uh, huge?

Big? They could put
the Chicago fire out with this.

It was...
it was a joke.

- Well...
- It was like from another planet.

Well, he's a big guy.
He's a forward.

You need to see a guard.
Did you see a guard?

You can't tell by a forward.
They're too big, out of proportion.

I don't care.
It's me and Renee,

and maybe because...
maybe because, you know,

she's black,
she maybe dates, you know...

So you think the black woman
might be used to a...

I mean, if they're used...
I mean, if that... if that's not a myth...

I could see how
it could be a concern.

I don't know whether I would
ever want to have intercourse

with her, because I'm
a little intimidated.

And you're one of the few
friends I can tell this to.

Okay, well, then maybe
I can... I can step in.

I got that 10th
anniversary present.

I'm saying if you
want to, you know...

if you're too intimidated
to go through with it, I could try.

A good friend
doesn't do that.

You don't...
you don't have intercourse

with someone who
your friend doesn't screw.

Why? It would be a nice
10th anniversary present for me.

I'd rather go to Tiffany's
and get you a bowl.

I don't
want a bowl.

All right.

Here you go.

Yeah, I'm not
the valet.

Oh, I'm sor...

It is possible for black people
to have other jobs.

No no,
I know, of course.

- I already know. Thanks.
- No, because...

- It's because I'm black.
- I'm sorry.

You fucked up.



So you automatically think
the black man is the valet, huh?

- No, I don't automatically...
- Yes, you did. I saw it.

No, he's standing
by the valet...

"Get my car, boy."
I saw it, Larry.

He had on a white shirt
and a red tie and a vest.

He's standing by the valet sign.
It's an honest mistake.

Oh, yeah yeah,
that's honest.

Anytime I see a black man
in a tie and a suit,

I think, "Hey, you must
park cars for a living."

I feel it was
an honest mistake, Wanda.

No no, if it was a white man
standing here, you would not.

I would have given him
the valet. I would too.

- No, you wouldn't.
- I would too have.

- No, you would have asked him, not.
- Too too.

You would have asked him
for a stock tip or...

- where do you golf?
- Oh, yeah, right.

How's the filming going?

It's good.
I'm shooting over there.

On my little break.

Let me ask you
a question.

You've slept with a lot of white men
and black men, I'm sure.

- Is there any discernible difference?
- What?

Let me rephrase that.
Let me rephrase that.

Yeah, rephrase that.

Is there any
discernible difference

between a white man
and a black man...

you know...

Why would you ask me
something like that, Larry?

My friend wants to know.
Why, what's the big deal?

I am not gonna
answer that.

What is that? What the fuck?
What are you doing?

It's a bug, a bug.
I had a bug on me.

Look, did you get my script
to that guy, that Martin Schaffer?

Everything's okay since
you want your little favor.

- Did he get my script?
- Yes, he did.

- And?
- And what?

I gave it to him.
He'll read it and get back to you.

He's not gonna
rewrite it, is he?

- No.
- Okay, 'cause that's my baby.

- Oh yeah yeah.
- I don't want anybody messing with it.

- No one's going to.
- I'm going back to work.

- Go back to work, yeah.
- Messing with you.

Is there any black men
around here to... is there a valet?

I need a black man
to get my car.

Is there a black man
in the area

who wants to take
my valet ticket?

- Excuse me?
- Yeah, hi.

- Do you work here?
- Sure.

Is this the only doll?

Yeah, that's
the only one left.

- That's it?
- Yeah, last one.

- Huh.
- Isn't that cute?

- What's the race on this doll?
- It's biracial.

- Biracial? Really?
- Yeah, absolutely.


So they make this doll
specifically for mixed couples?

For black
and white couples?

They make a doll
for their kids?

I don't know.

If somebody's Asian,
and they marry a white person,

are they making sort of a half-Asian,
half-white doll too?

See what
I'm getting at?


I think that's... yeah.

Hmm, I wonder
if you do.

Okay. Um,
well, I guess 'll take it.

Excellent, let me
wrap it up for you.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Oh, surprise,
it says meow.

Isn't that

Oh, I love it. Thank you
so much. That's so sweet.

Thank you.
You made it.

What... what is this?

- My heart. It's to monitor my heart.
- What?

No, I'm fine.
There was an aberration...

- That's heavy.
- No, I've got wires under there.

- Are you okay?
- No, I'm fine.

What does that mean?

Nothing. There was
something wrong with the machine.

The doctor
wouldn't sign off.

- How long do you have to wear this?
- Just a day.

Doesn't Bernie
look like Steve Demarco?

- No.
- Are you kidding?

He looks exactly like him.

They don't look
anything alike.

Anytime I ever
point out that

somebody looks like someone else,
you always disagree.

- Because they never do.
- They always do.

- Hey, she's opening our gift.
- Oh, good.

This is
from the Davids.

Oh, a doll.

It's a mulatto.

No good?

biracial is what
we call it, usually.

Biracial. Hmm, what do you
know about that?

They gave us
another one, too.

That's actually
for the surrogate.


Well, that's it, gang.

Um, why don't we have
some coffee or some dessert?

'Cause that's it.
That's all the gifts.

Thank you guys
for coming.


- Hi.
- Hey.

Thank you so much.

- You're welcome.
- I didn't expect it.

You're the one carrying
the baby. That's your baby.

I wouldn't expect them to,
but thank you.

- It's very unnecessary.
- Yeah.

- What do you do?
- I'm a writer.

Oh, that's cool.

- Sounds good.
- Yeah.

Sometimes, though,
it's not such a great job.

You know, like for example,
I got this friend.

She just gave a script
to me to give to somebody.

She said, "Don't let him touch my baby,"
you know. That's what they do.

You work on something
for months and months,

then they take it
away from you,

and then that's it.

You never see it again.
They take your baby from you,

they give your baby
to somebody else, and that's it.

You've lost complete
contact with your baby.

You never see the baby again,
and it's your baby.

And they give it
to another writer.

And that writer doesn't let
you even look at your baby.

That's part of your job.
That's what you signed up for.

You knew you had to
give it away.

Sort of, but it's hard
to give up that baby.

Maybe in a few years you can see
how your script's doing.

Yeah, I know, but then
it's all changed.

You have nothing
to do with it.

All right. You wanna get
some coffee?

No way out.

It was shocking,
outrageous, insulting,

and I loved
every minute of it.

- No way out.
- Hey!

How are you?
How are you?


I am thoroughly

Well, oh, come on.

Yes, surprisingly good.

Still on the book? You don't have it
under your belt yet?

Funny you should
mention that.

Why is-is...
I mean...

We open... dude, we open
in three and a half weeks.

Yeah, I know.

Every time you work,
he always has the scripts?

Yes, every time.

I'll be fine. I have a little problem
memorizing stuff.

Did you guys get
your test results back?

The insurance company's
been bugging me.

Yes yes, yeah yeah,
I got mine. Here.

Clean bill of health,
flying colors I might add.

Ooh, results!
I'm proud of you.

Where's your
little paper?

I had a little
bit of a... problem.

What the hell
is that?

What is that?

- Yeah, I didn't...
- What is that?

- It's called a heart halter.
- Heart halter?

I'm fine, I'm fine. I just
didn't pass the physical, that's all.

- What?
- There's nothing wrong with me.

Are you too old for this?
Is that what he said?

No, I'm not too old for it,
believe me. It was a fluke.

I'm fine. There's
nothing wrong with me.

After three shuffle-ball chains,
he's winded.

You wanna race me?

- You want to go to the parking lot?
- I'll go right now.

Put your sneakers on.

I don't need sneakers...

Let's stop
being juvenile.

You can't win. Let's not race him.
Now look, folks.

Excuse me. Hey, Dad.

You don't think
I could beat him in a race?

I don't think you can
beat him in a race.

Oh, can I tell you
what happened?

I'm on the treadmill
taking the stress test...

I got the pictures
from Spain.

Yeah, I thought
you might like that.

Oh, that's excellent.

She comes in that room again
tomorrow when I take the test,

I look at the ceiling.
I can tell you that.

Okay, that's great.

All right, I think
you're gonna be fine.

There's nothing wrong with me.
I'm fine. Did I just spit on you?

- No no no.
- Okay, 'cause you went like that.

No no, I always do that.
When I sweat...

You're always
rubbing your face I noticed.

Victor McLaglan
and Adolphe Menjou,

Gypo, Gypo Nolan,
remember from "The Informer"?

Gypo, Gypo Nolan...

Gypo Nolan.

Excuse me.
I'm sorry. Mr. Brooks?

Can I introduce you
to my dad?

My dad's a huge fan.
This is Irving.

Irving Schwimmer,
pleasure to meet you.

Yes, pleasure
meeting you.

I'm looking forward
to seeing your show.

I've been a fan
of yours for years.

I appreciate that. Would you guys
excuse me for one minute?

Yeah yeah yeah.
Isn't that awesome?

You finally
got to meet him.

Yes, I finally did.

So you like
those pictures, huh?

- Yeah...
- Good, good.

Dad, this is Larry.

Hi, how you doing?
Nice to meet you.

- Right.
- These are great.

- My parents went to Spain.
- Oh!

Well, I'd better
be taking off, okay?

Are those genitals?
What is that on that bull?

No, that's...

Oh my God.

All right, Dad.

You told him about the whole
cashew-raisin thing, right?

We were talking. You didn't
have to go back and tell him, "Larry..."

- Are you kidding?
- I know you said something.

- He was so unfriendly.
- Of course I said something.

It was your suggestion,
Mr. Constructive Criticism.

He's putting
four cashews in a bag.

He deserves some
constructive criticism.

- Go on about it.
- I want to call him, seriously.

- I don't think so.
- I'd like to call him and apologize.

I don't feel comfortable
with you calling my dad.

David, I'm going
to apologize.

- I'm gonna be very nice. I promise.
- Okay.

Just call
before 7:00.

- All right, what's his number?
- 310-858...

This is Irving Schwimmer.
Please leave a message at the tone.

Oh, hi, Mr. Schwimmer.

Uh, this is Larry David.
I just want to say...

you fucking asshole!

What's your fucking
problem, you prick?


What the hell
is wrong with you?!

Who the fuck do you think
you're talking to?

What are you doing?
You bumped into my car!

You think I hit your car?
Now I'm gonna hit you in the head.

Oh, my heart!

What are you doing?
What is this?

Is it your heart? All right,
just calm down. Don't take them off.

You shouldn't have
took them off.

All right, uh...

Look... oh, Christ.
I don't know CPR.

Hey, somebody call
an ambulance.

Call an ambulance!
Call 911!

Send 'em to the park,
come on.


Hang in there. Can you breathe?
Keep breathing, all right?

Whatever you do, don't stop
breathing. Keep doing that.

You got a phone?

the guy was...

the guy was coming after me
with a tire iron.

I faked
the whole thing.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

This is ridiculous.
There's nothing wrong with me.

This is just so unnecessary.

I've dated both...
black men, white men

and there really
isn't a difference.

It's... it's really
just kind of a myth.

That's a myth? Boy,
too bad for the black guys.

I know. I know.

I speak from both sides.
I'm half-black and half-white.

Get out of town.
I bought a mulatto doll today.

Okay, um,

we don't really use
mulatto anymore...

I was wondering about that,
if that was a bad one.

Yeah, it's a bit outdated.
But if we all keep fucking each other,

then we're gonna be the same race
sooner or later anyways.

- Let's pray for that.
- I do.

- Hello.
- Are you okay?

Hey, this is Masasa.

Hi, I'm Cheryl.
Nice to meet you.

Do you think...
do you think that...

a biracial person would need
sunblock? Would you think that?

- I have not thought about it.
- I guess you had to be there.

- We were having a conversation.
- Are you all right?

Mrs. David,
it was lovely meeting you.

And good luck to you
and your friend.

Thank you.

Oh my God,
what happened?

- Oh, I'm perfectly fine.
- Are you?

perfectly fine.

It was a road rage incident,
and a guy came out of his car

with a tire iron.
He was gonna kill me.

So you know,
I had the heart halter,

and I faked like I was having
a heart attack. I pulled the wires out...

You did what?

I faked like I was
having a heart attack

so he wouldn't kill me.

So there's nothing
wrong with you?

No, I'm fine.

Then why am I here?

Why are you in
a hospital bed right now?

What are you
talking about?

They took me to the hospital
because of the heart attack.

So you're taking up
a hospital bed

because you're afraid of
some weird guy in traffic?

Weird guy had a tire iron.
He was gonna kill me.

You're in the hospital.
If you're calling me

to rush over to help you,
I'd think something was wrong with you.

You'd rather come in here
and see me with broken limbs?

Well, I'd rather
not come in here

and see you chatting
with the nurse.

I'm not allowed
to talk to a nurse?

You're having
a good time in the hospital!

You wanted somebody
to kill me?

Is that what you wanted?
You would prefer that?

By the way, what did
you say to the surrogate?

She's gone into labor.
She's here at the hospital,

and she's not gonna
give the baby up.

What did you
tell her?

She said she had
a talk with you.

I didn't say anything.

You must have said something
because Bernie is looking for you

'cause he wants
to kick your ass.

That's a quote?

That's a quote.

Those bastards.
The fourth time I've been here,

and I still can't get this
colostomy bag to fit. It doesn't fit.

And the insurance company
won't pay for it.

It's full all the time.

I don't understand why they
just don't take care of it.

What are you doing?

You can't keep
that baby!

I was talking
about a script.

I want that
panda back!

So you know, I spoke
to this this nurse.

She's biracial.

Bi, what do you
mean biracial?

- Half-black, half-white... mulatto.
- Bisexual?

They don't say mulatto anymore.
She got mad at me.

Anyway, she said she's been
with black and white men,

and she said there's
no difference so...

- Really?
- Yeah.

That's fantastic.

Look at that.
Look at that.

- How fantastic is that?
- Isn't that good news?

Wow, I'm really...
this is great news, by the way.

I'm gonna see Renee
this afternoon.

- I got my physical again, yeah.
- Wow, cool.

Did I tell you that
Bernie Dusenberry's

gonna kick my ass?
Did I mention that?

- You mean that big guy?
- Yeah, the big guy.

Wait wait wait,
let me ask you something.


- Holy shit!
- Muggsy Bogues?


I won't shake your hand.
I'm in a bathroom.

- I appreciate that.
- This man has bathroom etiquette.

- I haven't touched anything yet.
- I appreciate it.

- I'm a huge fan, man, huge fan.
- Thank you.

One of the great
guards of all time.

- We really enjoyed watching you play.
- Thank you.

- Nice to meet you, man.
- Same here.

Go ahead,
do your thing.

What the fuck?!

Why are you looking
at my dick?!

- You looking at me?
- No, I wasn't looking.

You crazy?

You okay?
Are you all right?

#... Will be king,
and be on top to stay #

# On top to stay, hey! #

Think I'm gonna
steal your car?

No no, it's just
I forgot to...

I forgot to just
put the alarm on.

It's not you.
It's no race thing.

No, no race thing.


No, I don't even
need the alarm on.

It's off. I turned
the alarm off, look.

Did it again, huh?

So what, the black man
in a suit parks cars.

Black man, no suit,
he gonna steal your car.

I can't do anything in this city
without you watching me, following me?

I told you I'm shooting
here all week.

He just happened to be there
when I turned to put the alarm on.

- That's not my fault.
- You saw the black man, you was like,

"Let me lock my car."
You put the alarm on.

The black man made you go,
"Let me lock the car."

No, I just hadn't done it
yet, that's all.

And do you think a black man
would want that piece of shit?

Piece of shit,
how dare you?!

No black man
don't want a toy car.

Black man want a car
with some get up and go.

I didn't think the black man
wanted the car.

So look, did you hear
back from Martin,

from Martin Schaffer
about my script?

- Yeah.
- And?

Sorry to say,
didn't like it.

It happens.

Well, did you tell him
I was black?


Why didn't you
tell him I was black?

Oh, I don't know.
Why should I?

Larry, you don't know
when to play the card.

I mean, you know, white guys,
they love that shit.

You know,
"Oh, look at me. I'm liberal.

Helping the black person."
You should know better.

That's when you tell
somebody they're black.

All right, all right,
I'll tell him you're black, okay? Fine.

Tell him I'm like a brown-skinned black,
not light skinned.

Make sure he know
I'm real black.

I hope I don't see you for a while.
Getting sick of you.

Take your sick ass
in the hospital.

Mr. David.

Can I say that this is fantastic,
the magazines?

What an improvement,

I got to tell
you something,

one of the few times in my life
anyone's taken my advice.

It's a pleasure.

- Well, the doctor's waiting to see you.
- Okay.

You know what
I say to you now?

- What do you say to me?
- Keep me waiting.

Can I tell you something?

It was the best waiting room
experience I've ever had.

- Glad you're happy.
- I'm very happy.

I'm seeing right here
that you're happy.

Nice job, and did you
notice I got "Golf"?

I saw the "Golf."
I picked up a nice tip.

Hey, Larry.


Oh, Bernie Dusenberry

I was able to reschedule
his appointment.

He'll be here
in 10 minutes.

Oh, very good,

Bye, Larry.

And the dispenser was destroyed
virtually beyond recognition.

Poor kid.

So as he's telling the story,
he starts crying...

Oh, did I tell you that
the surrogate changed her mind?

She's gonna give the baby
to the Dusenberrys after all.

- Really? Hey, that's great.
- Yeah.

- Oh, I got some good news, too.
- You do?

- Penis is healed.
- Oh.

As soon as I get rid
of this heart halter,

I'm back
in business, baby.

I can't
do those things.

- It's Marilyn.
- Marilyn.

Don't pick it up.
I'm not talking to her tonight.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Hi, please leave
your name and number

and someone will get
back to you, thank you.

This is Irv Schwimmer.

You motherfucking, cocksucking,
son-of-a-bitch bastard!

Who the fuck do you
think you are?!

You bald son of a...