Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - The Car Pool Lane - full transcript

Larry scrambles to find tickets to a very promising Dodger game. But before he can go, he has to take care of a few things first. The duties include getting out of jury duty, driving a friend to the airport, and scoring some medical marijuana for his dad's glaucoma. Thankfully a run-in with a rather large hooker helps make all the chores easier.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
A beautiful Sunday,
we're sitting here like idiots.

We should be
playing golf.

Yeah. How do you
work a glue gun?

Oh, yeah, like I know
how to work a glue gun.

Should we try going
to a public course?

On a Sunday
it'd be a long wait.

When do you think I'm gonna
hear from the new club?

- Thursday.
- My interview went very well.

I thought mine
went great too.

- It did?
- Yeah!

- Did you have the tall blond guy?
- Two guys.

- I think they took a shine to me.
- Took a shine to you?

- I really do.
- Okay.

I don't know what
to do without golf.

When I'm done
with this paper,

- I'm gonna wander the streets.
- Wow.

You wanna get
the violin out?

- Get the violin out.
- That's pretty sad, yeah.

Another thing, I'd love to get to this
Dodger game tomorrow night.

- I called everybody I know.
- You did?

- Yep. Nothing.
- Nothing?

Everybody at Dodger Stadium,
from top to bottom,

nobody's got tickets.

It's gonna
be some game.

I know.
I wanna go too.

It's too bad we got kicked out
of that golf club.

Marty Funkhouser has two
season tickets to the Dodgers.

His father just died.
He's probably not even going.

He hasn't even gone
back to work yet.

So he's not gonna
go to the game.

So what's gonna happen
to those tickets? They'll go to waste.

It is weird to ask a guy,
you know his father just died,

- can we use your tickets?
- It is kind of tacky to do that.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.


I mean...

it doesn't hurt to ask.
It might be a way to...

What do you do, just call him up
and say, "Hey?"

"Marty, I know you're
still in mourning..."

Right. I'm sure you're
still in...

"Marty, I know you're still in mourning,
but is there any..."

"I feel your grief, but are you
gonna use those tickets?"

"Marty, just so your tickets
don't go to waste."

There's no good way
to go about it, none.


You know every Sunday
he has brunch over at Nat's.

Well, we gotta get
some breakfast anyway, right?

We just say hello,
we happen to run into him.

Let's get breakfast.
Maybe we'll run into him,

say hello. We'll feel it out,
check him out.

Zip in, zip out,
say hello.

If the subject of baseball
comes up, it comes up, that's all.

Ah, see him?
See him?


Yeah, it's tougher than
I thought, but hopefully

- in a few weeks, I'll feel better.
- Look at this!

- Hey, hey.
- Look-a here.

Look what's
going on here.

Do me a favor, call me back
and we'll play maybe.


- Hey!
- How you doing, Lar?

Good to see
you guys.

- I can't believe you come in here.
- I eat here all the time.

- I used to eat here with my dad.
- Oh...

- Yeah.
- I've never seen you guys here before.

We were talking about it,
I thought I'd try it out.

- We were hungry.
- Yeah.

- It's great food.
- Yeah, what's good?

I always order
the turkey.

Little turkey
action today.

- Little turkey action today?
- Turkey today.

I just can't
eat today.

I've lost five lbs.
in two days.

I have no appetite.

By the way,
you know,

I'd just like
to apologize again

- about the whole 5-wood incident and...
- It's forgotten.

- I hit the shit out of that club.
- I know you do.

You know that.
You've seen me hit that club.

- Let's not talk about the 5-wood.
- All right.

- You guys get into Beverly Park?
- Not yet.

We interviewed.
We're waiting to hear.

- Waiting to hear.
- Good luck.

- Great course, have you played it?
- Uh no, I'm a Jew.

Ah, funny. Oh, hey, who do you like
in the Dodger game tomorrow night?

It's gonna be tough,
it should be a great game.

- Yeah.
- It's sold out.

It's a shame about
your dad and all

because, well,
you're probably...

just not up for going
to the game, I guess, huh?

No, I decided
I'm gonna go.

- No kidding?
- Good for you.

He would have
wanted me to go.

- I think that's true.
- Mm-hmm.

- Don't you?
- He would have, most certainly.

Hey, if you're
a little lonely,

you need a little
companionship at the game,

if you want me to keep you company,
I'd be happy to do it.

I don't have
a seat for you.

- What about your dad's seat?
- It's spoken for.

- Okay, all right.
- Okay, well, you have a good time.

- Great seeing you guys.
- Turkey, gonna get the turkey.

- You're gonna love it.
- Good, thank you.

- Where are those seats anyway?
- Uh, they're third base, field level.



Hey, you know what?

If you hear
of anything...

Where am I gonna
hear of anything?

Sometimes you hear
that so-and-so's got an extra ticket.

- The game's tomorrow.
- Okay, well,

if the person who you're taking
might drop out, you know...

No dropping out.

The tip, remember
the weatherman's tip?

The statute of limitations
has gotta be up on that, no?

You're still asking
about the golf tip?

Forget it.

Hey hey.

You, wearing that
old "Seinfeld" jacket?

- Oh, this?
- Yeah, you're still wearing that thing?

I'm trying to get out
of jury duty today.

I'd do it, but I'm in the middle
of rehearsals for "The Producers."

That can help you
get out of jury duty?

They hate people
in the entertainment industry.

They don't want them serving,
so I thought what the hell?

And they'll look at
the "Seinfeld" jacket

- and throw you out?
- Yeah.

All right.

- Hello, darling.
- Hello, darling.

Hello, look who's here,
my beautiful wife.

I know that girl
from someplace.

She looks
very familiar.

I'm glad
I caught you.

- Yeah.
- What are you doing?

- I gotta go downtown.
- Oh, for jury duty.

It's hard to get out of these things.
I don't know what,

I'm gonna have
to make something up.

I would serve if they
made me the foreman, but...

Yeah, I don't think
you get to choose.

I can't serve under another foreman.
That's not gonna work.

No, and then what
are you doing?

I'm gonna go... I guess I'll go
to Jeff's house and watch the game.

Would you rather
go to the game?

I got you tickets.

What, are you
kidding me?

Where did you
get these from?

You know what, I'm not
gonna reveal my sources.

But just trust me, they're good.
I got you two tickets.

That's pretty high up
in the alphabet.

- Okay, then, you know what...
- I'm just joking around.

- You wanna go with me?
- No no.

Go with Jeff. I know you guys
were working on tickets.

- That is so nice.
- Oh oh.

- Thank you, that's so nice of you.
- Well, you guys have fun.


- You got a wonderful girl there.
- Yeah.

What are you doing,
"TV Guide" crossword puzzle?

Yeah. Tell you the truth,

I'm having so much trouble with the
glaucoma, the pressure on the eyes...

All right, look,
I've told you 10 times already.

- Let me get you some marijuana.
- No, come on.

- Try the marijuana.
- Again, marijuana. Will you stop?

Do I look like some kind of beatnik?
I'm not gonna... with the marijuana.

What beatnik? It's good for glaucoma...
make you feel better.

Medication is...
it's not working.

You take a couple of puffs,
you'll feel better, so what?

Is that bad? Why should you be
in pain like that?

All right, will you stop
nudging me about that, I...

Just do it.
If I get it, will you do it?

- Where you gonna get this?
- I have no idea.

You gonna go out on
the street and pick up...

I don't know how I'm gonna get it,
but I'm gonna get it for you, okay?

If you'll
do it with me.

I'm not gonna have any,
but you will.

- All right.
- I'll see you later.

All right, right.

Ms. Whitaker, have you ever
served on a jury before?


Have you ever been
the victim of a crime?


Is there any reason
you can think of

that you would not
be able to decide this case

- in a fair and impartial manner?
- No.

- Okay, thank you for your time.
- Absolutely.

Moving on,
Your Honor.

Could you state
your name, sir?

- Larry David.
- Mr. David, I'm Counselor Condon.

Counselor Condon,
nice to meet you.

Uh, have you ever served
on a jury before?


Have you ever been the victim
of a serious crime?

My cousin once stole
an Almond Joy from me.

It was upsetting
at the time, but, um...

I don't think that would be
considered a serious crime.

Is there any reason you can think of
that you would not

be able to decide this case
in a fair and impartial manner?

I don't know if I could
be impartial, Mr. Condon,

given that the defendant
is a Negro.


Good afternoon,
good afternoon.

Uh, I couldn't help
but notice the, uh...

the transaction
between you and the...

the other gentleman,
and uh...

What exactly were
you thinking of?

A little, uh, a little weed going,
you know. Some weed?

Yeah, I got it.
I got it, yeah, you know.

- First of all, calm down a little.
- Sure.

Just, you know,
relax, just...

Yeah, no,
I'm... I'm...

Create the illusion that we're friends talking
here, all right?

You kidding me?

You know what?
You're 100% right.

That's too much,
all right, that, yeah.

Okay, you're doing fine.
Just chill out.

I can get you an ounce of,
like, some real, you know,

hydroponic scientific stuff,
but that'll run you $500 bucks.

- Hydroponic?
- Yeah.

I'm not looking
for a sound system, my friend.

- Hydroponic.
- You know what I mean?

Just looking to get
my father a little... a little relief.

Let's play it safe.
I'll give you an ounce of schwag.

- Schwag?
- It'll cost you $200 bucks.

- An ounce of schwag, $200.
- $200.

Is that a fair price
you're quoting me there, sir?

Look, you can pay me
$200 bucks or go fuck yourself.

Okay, well...

Look, I don't need to sell the drugs,
the drugs'll sell themselves.

- Sure.
- You know, forget it.

- No, let's do schwag. Schwag.
- Just keep walking.

No, no, Schwag, $200,
okay, I got it.

I got it. So what do we do,
what happens now?

- You got $200 on you?
- Yes, yes.

All right, take out
the $200 bucks.

- I'll count to three, where is it?
- It's right here.

- Let me... let me put my hand on it.
- Just give me your money, sir.

One... hold it. You're not
letting me put my hand...

Your hand
is on it.

- All right.
- One, two, three.

- All right, now keep walking.
- Okay.

- Any particular direction?
- Just just just please move.


Just walk, just walk,
just walk.

Jesus Christ.

I gotta
go this way.

Just go, just go.

What? Oh, Jeff, you're not
going to the game?

What are you kidding?
Oh my God.

No, it took me
so long in court,

now I can't even
ask Cheryl to go.

Aw, you should see
the traffic.

The only thing moving
is the carpool lane.

I'll never make it.
I'm just gonna go home.

I'm not gonna use
the carpool lane by myself.

'Cause l...
I don't want to.

That's the difference
between you and me.

All right, goodbye.

Hey, Daddy.

You wanna date
with Mama?

Get in the car.

- So, what's your name?
- Monena.

What you...
what you into today?

A little
lollipop love?

A little digging
for diamonds?

See, actually, I'm not really
interested in any sex, per se.

Per... you one of them
freaky motherfuckers or something?

To tell you the truth, what I'd like
to do is I wanna go to Dodger Stadium

and, uh, I wanna go to the game
and I'll pay you for your time.

Five hours it'll be.

You just want me
to sit in the car?

Just sit in the car,
that's all you have to do.

Oh, you a crazy son of a bitch.
All right, $1,000.

$1,000. What,
are you kidding me?

- That's, uh...
- $200 an hour?

Exactly, I can give
four blowjobs an hour.

- Four blowjobs an hour?
- Yes, I'm good.

I drove a cab, used to drive around
for two hours. I couldn't get a fare.

You're getting four
blowjobs in an hour?

Yes, honey, you done
picked up the best.

Honey, I got a red snapper
that talks to you.

You know what
it's saying?

I'm charging
way too much.

$750 and take me
to the game.

I'm going
to the game then.

I can't take you
to the game, Monena.

I'm terribly sorry,
I only have one ticket.

$750... you know
this is not fair!

Listen, you're unhappy.
I'm unhappy too.

That's what a good compromise
is all about.

Are you familiar
with Henry Clay?

No, I don't know no Henry Clay.
What'd he say?

He was the Great Compromiser.
This is a good compromise.

- It is not a good compromise...
- A good compromise

is when both
parties are dissatisfied

and I think that's
what we have here.

Boy, look at this.

We are really
zipping along here.

I'm gonna
make this game.

- This is great.
- I thought you only had one ticket.

That's two tickets.

I'm meeting a friend
there actually.

No, I'm gonna go to the game or you're
gonna take me back to the corner

or I'm gonna call my
motherfucking pimp. How 'bout that?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Let's go
to the game.

Ow, baseball! I ain't never been
to no baseball game. This gonna be cute.

All right, well, pull... pull your
thing up over there.

Make yourself

You know you're gonna
have to feed me.

I want two hot dogs, a bag
of peanuts and a milkshake.

- They got milkshakes?
- I don't know if they have milkshakes.

Hey, don't put your wallet away 'cause
you know I'm gonna get hungry again.

- And that's...
- Stop talking for a second, would you?

I know the seats
ain't way the fuck up here.

You got a problem
with the seats?

You said we had good seats,
club seats and shit.

We're way the fuck up.

There are a lot worse things
you could be doing.

- Whatever.
- Let's just watch the game.


What you looking at?

My friend Marty Funkhouser
sitting next to an empty seat.

He said he was taking
somebody to the game.

Oh, I know you
ain't looking around

like you scared somebody gonna
recognize you or some shit.

- Trying to act like you ain't with me?
- No, what are you saying?

- I will pull a titty out in this thing.
- Don't...

- I will pull a titty out...
- Don't you dare do that.

- Act like you with me then.
- I'm with you, I'm with you.

- I'm acting like I'm with you.
- Okay, cool.

- That's better like that. I will...
- No, don't.

That's better.

All right, yeah.

All right,

- Shit!
- Who are they?

Two guys who interviewed me
for this golf club.

You know what?
I gotta get out of here.

- I'll be back.
- I'm not playing with you.

- You better come back.
- I'll come back, don't worry.

If I'm not back, I'll meet you
at the car after the game.

What the fuck
are you looking at?

Batting for the Atlanta Braves,
the catcher, Javy Lopez.

Ball one, all right, three more
of those and we force one in.

- Hey, Marty.
- Hey, Larry, I see you got a ticket.

Yeah, the seats
really stink though.

- I-I'm sitting all the way up there.
- What can l...

Oh, there's a hit.

Oh, foul ball.

Hey, what
a great game, huh?

- Is anybody sitting there?
- No.

- Can I join you?
- No.

Why not?

Well, uh, it's a seat
for my father.

Your father's dead.

It's a memorial.
We used to go to games together.

It makes me feel
close to him.

It's to honor him.

Oh, no!

Home run, yeah!

- Come on, Marty, let me sit there.
- I can't let you sit there.

- What, are you kidding?
- No, I'm not kidding.

- You're not gonna let me sit there?
- Not even for a minute!

Are you nuts?

Right fielder...

- Thanks, Marty.
- Gary Sheffield.


- Oh, you back fast.
- I told you I'd come back.

You did, you did.
There you go.

Now I bought us
some popcorn.

You're a sport.

We gotta go out
more often, really.

I gotta
pay you back.

Yeah, you don't
give a shit.

No, I...

If you're ever looking for a good
blowjob at a reasonable rate...

she's your gal.

That was good.

You got some big...
oh, you a pimp.

Larry, Larry, come here
a minute please.

One second.

You're not gonna believe this,
but my car won't start.

Oh my God.
What a shame.

It is. Listen, I've gotta pick up
someone at the airport.

And I know
it's on the way.

Can you give me
a lift, please?

Why don't you ask your father
to help you jump start the car?

Hey, Leo, why don't
you give him a push?

I'm sorry about the ballgame.
It was emotion.

Just give me a ride.
Let's not go through this, please.

There's one
little problem.

I'm with
a prostitute.

My eyes are closed.
I'll sit in the back, do what you want.

I didn't pick her up for sex. I picked her up
so I could use the diamond lane,

so I can get to the stadium
on time for the game.

I buy it. Just give me a lift
to the airport, please.

All right,
I'll tell you what,

- I'll take you.
- Oh, that's so great.

But I want
the weatherman's golf tip.

That's the only thing
I can't do.

- Eh, your friend will take a cab.
- Okay, wait. Done deal.

- Let's go.
- Okay...

- take your normal stance.
- All right.

Forget everything you've
ever thought about golf.

Thanks a million for the ride.
I gotta go.

- I'm coming in with you.
- Nice meeting you, Winona.

- I'm gonna use the bathroom.
- How long you gonna be?

- I'll be two minutes.
- What if the security people come

- and tell me to move the car?
- Drive around.

Keep driving around
and around.

You in overtime,
this is some bullshit.

Hey, do me a favor,

Just hold on to my jacket
when I use the bathroom.

Why don't you
bring it in there?

Where am I
gonna put it?

What if they
don't have hooks?

It's not my marijuana!

I was just
holding the jacket!

What are you doing?

This isn't
even my jacket!

It doesn't
even fit me!

Get your hands
off of me!


Get that dog
away from me!

What took you
so damn long?

Marty got arrested
for marijuana.

- You're bullshitting.
- I'm not bullshitting.

I asked him to hold my jacket
and there was marijuana in the pocket.

You had marijuana
in your pocket?

I bought it for my father
for his glaucoma.

I bought it this afternoon
and I forgot, I completely forgot!

You don't need no damn marijuana.
I got the best shit in town.

You should have
said some shit.

- Chronic.
- Put that down. Are you crazy?

There's cops all over
the place here.

That's some good shit
right there.

- Chronic.
- This is schwag.

- What the fuck is schwag?
- Schwag.

- You don't even know what you bought.
- I bought fucking schwag, okay?

You don't even know
what the fuck schwag is.

Have you ever
bought it before?

- Huh?
- Schwag? Yeah.

This is chronic, okay? It's gonna clear
your daddy's eyeball problem and shit.

We gonna hook Daddy up. Put that on my
motherfucking bill... that ain't free.


- Okay?
- Got a little... little problem.

"Little problem..."

I don't quite have enough
cash to pay you tonight.

But I'm, you know,
I'm totally good.

I'll pay you tomorrow.
I'll come to your house...

Tomorrow? This ain't
motherfucking pussy on layaway!

You better take your little
trying-to-trick-a-bitch ass

in there to the motherfucking
A.T.M. machine.

I can't 'cause I went to
the A.T.M. machine this morning.

I already took out $500.
There's a limit.

I am not fucking
around with you.

You know how much
money you owe me?

- I thought we were "cool de la."
- That's "cool de la" shit?

- I thought we're cool de la.
- You trying to be hip all and shit.

I'll tell you what
I'll do with you, okay?

- What you gonna do?
- Okay, here's what I'll do.

We'll go to my father's house,
get some cash,

settle, everything
clean, okay?

- I'm not going to your daddy's house.
- What's the big deal?

You're dragging me around all day
and ain't paid me nothing.

I took you to
a baseball game tonight.

None of that good shit. We sat up
in them fucked up seats way up there.

- Fucked up seats?
- You bought me one little hot dog.

Yeah yeah, which you
proceeded to blow.


- So late at night, for heaven's sake.
- What, I was at the game.

I was just about
to go to bed.

- Did you watch the game?
- Nah, watch the game.

It's just so blurry
I can't watch.


I got the stuff.

- Listen...
- This is it.

- That, uh...
- Huh?

- That's the stuff?
- I got it, okay?


- This is a joint.
- It's a reefer.

Yeah, absolutely.
You light it up.

You go like this.
Put it in your mouth...

- You gotta inhale.
- Hold it in your lungs.

Hold it inside.

And then...

- See how long I did that for?
- That's a long time.

- Not a cigarette where you're like...
- Oh, okay, so, um...

- I'm getting dizzy just from that.
- Yeah yeah, so...

- So you do that a couple of times...
- Yes yes.

and then turn the TV on
and see what it looks like.

I'll leave
this here.

- Do you have any cash?
- Yes, I got cash on me.

- What do you need?
- Hundreds.

No, I don't have
that kind of cash.

- How much do you have?
- I got around $35-40.

Wait wait wait,
let me put this away.

Wait, oh my God,
don't-don't... don't answer.

- Hello.
- What are you doing?

- I'm coming in.
- No no...

I told you about
putting me in...

- You always got me waiting in the car.
- I got it.

- I don't want you coming in here.
- I'm coming in there.

You tripping!
What's wrong with you?

Oh look at your cute
little daddy, yeah.

- Uh, this is a friend of mine.
- Okay, hi!

This is Monena.
She's uh... a friend.

- That's your friend?
- We went to the game together.

She's a friend
of Cheryl's.

Cheryl couldn't make it
so I took Monena.

- So you went with another girl?
- No, it's Cheryl's friend.

Look, sweetie, we brought you
a little eye medicine.

This your dad?
We gonna hook you right up.

Little Daddy got
the little eye problem.

Look what
we got for you.

Oh, that's a joint.

Yeah, this is a joint.
Very good, Daddy.


- I have a joint.
- That's very good, honey.

You want to go sit down
and smoke it?

She's a lot of fun.
You two, you two go sit and smoke.

No no no, I want you
to do it too, you know?

You have
to do it too.

- Yeah!
- Uh, okay.

- Okay.
- All right, it's okay. Come on, Daddy.

That's right, this is Bubonic Chronic.
This is real good for you.

Oh, good good!

No, no more,
no more.

I want to tell you
what this is.

- What is it?
- That's good shit.

You're crazy!
"That's some good shit!"

I wonder what it is
to smoke bad shit.

- We're gonna do some Ebonics.
- Ebonics?

Just say this.
"Dis chronic is the shiznik."

Dis chronic
is the shizmik.

- The shizmik!
- Shizmik.

- For shizzle my nizzle.
- For shizzle my...

that sounds almost
Yiddish to me.

Yiddish Ebonics.

Yeah yeah, you
holding on too long.

Look at that.
He blew the scene.

Gei kucken ahfen yam.

Gei kucken ahfen yam.

How about
"He's a meshuggener"?

- Me...
- "Meshuggener."

What's that, Ebonics too?

What are you
looking at?

You see something?

What did I do?

You know what you did.
You did nothing!

If you want me to do
something just tell me.

You gotta change the diet.
I told you about that.

I don't want the red meat. You're eating
the red meat. I don't like that.

I'm doing
the best I can.

Go to a doctor. Get yourself
a checkup. Colonoscopy.

Are you afraid to get a colonoscopy?
What's the matter with you?

- I'm sorry.
- Everybody gets it. Get a colonoscopy!

l-l... I'm really
gonna do it.

You know

You're a good
human being.

Oh, thank you, Nat.

And you know,
I love him too.

He is my boy.

Fucking faggot!

You got your father-in-law's birthday
coming up. You gonna get a card?

- Okay.
- You're not gonna get a card.

You're not gonna
do a fuckin' thing!

I'll try
and do better, I will.

TV TV TV, that's
all you like to do!

- Read a fucking book!
- You're right, you know everything.

Who the fuck do you
think you're talking to?

- What happened to her?
- Making a phone call.

- She's a very nice girl.
- Oh, yeah.

You know something?

This stuff?
I can see.

- I swear to you, I'm not lying to you.
- Really?

You're coming through
so crystal clear.

You're kidding me.

It's a miracle.
I swear to you it's a miracle.

- That's fantastic.
- All right, you ready to go?

Oh my God.
It's a hooker!

All you have to do, Larry, is get up
there and tell the truth.

- Okay.
- That's it, okay.

- It wasn't your jacket.
- Just keep me out of this completely.

It was Larry's jacket,
it was Larry's grass.

- He's on trial, I'm not.
- Right, it was your pot

for your father's

You know, you could be
a little more grateful.

- I did come and get you off the hook.
- Thanks a million.

Why didn't you tell me there was
grass in the jacket?

- I didn't know there was grass in it.
- You didn't?

- You bought it.
- I forgot.

Guys, I just need you
to be earnest.

The judge has to find you
a credible witness.

Where is my jacket,
by the way?

- I don't know.
- You were the last to wear it.

Who gives a shit about your jacket?
I'm sure you can get another one.

You know I know
the way out.

Holy shit.

Oh, Mr. Baseball,

Mr. Owe-Monena-$200.

You said five hours
and it was seven, honey.

You still owe me $200.
I want my 200 skrilla.

- Okay.
- This is your anniversary present?

No no, see, I was
going to the ballgame...

I want my money, baby.
I need my skrilla.

- You got any cash?
- Maybe 20.

- You got any cash?
- I got nothing.

All rise for the Honorable
Judge George Nagel.

Is that the judge?

- Yeah, that's him.
- Oh no.

Well, Mr. David,

what do you have
to say for yourself?

Well, you see, Your Honor,
my father has this condition.