Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - The 5 Wood - full transcript

Still thinking he flirted with her, Dalilah the Hygienist officially asks Larry out, but Oscar the dog causes a problem. Leo Funkhauser succumbs to the "good" Hodgkin's. During the viewing, Larry is disgusted to see what appears to be his five wood in the casket with Leo, and asks Jeff to switch clubs with Leo. The result of the incident finds Larry being kicked out of the country club and having to cheat his way into a republican club.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
# Leo and Max,
up off our backs #

# Back on the great
white way #

# Leo and Max,
back on the tracks #

# We're back
on top to stay. #

Okay, that's enough.

You've been
doing your homework.

- I'm all astonishment.
- Really?!

It is fantastic, fierce,
absolutely fierce.

- Was it fierce?
- Yes, it was fierce.

- Really fierce?
- Really fierce.

- My problem child no longer.
- How did, uh...

I mean,
was I there too, or?

Yeah yeah, you were
doing the steps.

Um, a little bit late
on the pas de bourr?e

which then makes you late
for the hitch-kick.

Pas de bour?e's are really tough.
Pas de bourr?e's are the toughest thing.

It'll get easier.

But, oh my God, the difference
is just astonishing.

- I don't even think about it anymore.
- Of course not.

- That's what I told you would happen.
- Yeah.

- 'Cause it's in the muscle memory now.
- Hey...

- Michael, too bad you can't see.
- Tell me about it.

- It was great.
- All right, thank you.

- Great. Okay.
- In a minute. Okay.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Don't let that
pas de bourr?e stuff...

Oh no, I'm not worried about it.
I mean, I'll get it.

If you wanna do
any extra work on that...

- You wanna continue?
- Oh, I can't today. I'm meeting my dad.

But, uh, tomorrow
would be great.

- Oh, okay. Your dad, huh?
- Yeah.

- Oh, he lives here?
- Yeah.

- No kidding? Wow.
- Yeah.

What does he do?

Um, you know

- The mixed nuts?
- Yeah, I've seen that.

- Absolutely. That's his?
- They're packages of...

That's him. My dad is Health-Glo.
He started that when he was,

like, I don't know, right out
of college or something.

You know what? I get ideas
all the time about mixed nut packages.

Like, I'll see a mixed nut
package, I'll think,

what would I want to put in a mixed nut?
I have my own ideas about that.

Maybe I could pitch some... some ideas
to your dad. How would that be?

If I said I want
to combine a pecan

and a blueberry,
you know?

- Yeah.
- And a dried cherry,

and maybe a, uh,
a filbert or something?

You know, it's kind of like
everyone has their idea

of what would be
the best combo.

Just pitching... you know how it is.
Come on, you must get

people on the street come up
and pitch you story ideas and stuff.

It's just... you know what,
stay in your element.

Yeah. But I do have
some good ideas.

- I'm sure you do.
- Hey, 9:00 A.M. tomorrow, guys.

- Okay.
- Oh, okay.

I'm gonna
go get a snack.

- Snack? I'll go with you.
- Yeah. Oh, great.

You and David are so good together.
I'm so happy.

- Love him, love that guy.
- Oh God.

Your chemistry together
is fierce.

- It is fierce.
- Absolutely fierce, totally.

- It's fierce.
- Ah, so much better than Ben,

- don't you think?
- Ben was so bossy.

Yeah, you know he had that
kind of entitled attitude.

- I don't care for it at all.
- Totally, I know.

Oh my God, my friend Anthony
was supposed to come to rehearsal.

That's right,
and he didn't show up.

Oh, I'm so worried about him.
He's a doctor,

he's gorgeous,
he's smart, obviously,

and he's single now... he just
had a horrible break up.

So I'm kind of looking for somebody
to match him up with now.

- Is he good looking?
- Gorgeous.

# Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba #

# Pirate's Booty,
Pirate's Booty... #

You're embarrassing me.
Stop it, no.

- I can't have Pirate's Booty?
- No, but you can have a pear.

- Hey!
- What?

Look at this,

- Those are Schwimmer's dad's nuts.
- Yeah.

Yes, let's check
these out.

- Good stats.
- Look at this.

There's only
four cashews in here.

- The numbers are good.
- Look, they're all the same.

- This one's got four, three.
- That's probably a mistake.

The whole cashew-raisin
balance is askew.

- It's awful.
- There's gotta be more cashews.

- Absolutely.
- Schwimmer's dad's pulling a fast one.

- All right, well.
- You can eat two packages of them.

Fine, two packages. You know what?
I gotta get out of this place.

- I gotta get to my office.
- Okay.

# Back on the great
white way. #

Hey, Broadway.

- How was rehearsal?
- It was good.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Schwimmer's great.
- Is he great?

- He's fierce.
- Is he?

- Yes.
- Look at you with the dancing terms.

I'm glad it's going well.

- Yeah, it's going great.
- I got you a something to say thank you

for those
"Tonight Show" tickets.

- You didn't have to do that.
- My mom had the best time.

- What do we got?
- Just a little thing.

Oh, a picture frame.
Thank you.

I didn't know what to get
and Cheryl said it might be nice.

- Put a glamour shot of her on the desk.
- Is that what she suggested?

And the dental hygienist

- She said please call when you get in.
- Dental hygienist?

Hm, I wonder
what she wants.

- I just saw her last week.
- Mm-hmm.


Get together?
You and me?

- Really?
- Am I being too forward?

'Cause, when you
were at the office,

you gave me
the tongue sign.

Tongue sign?

I was just really trying to get
some cotton out of my mouth.

So, uh, I don't get it.
Why me?

I don't know. You remind me
of my college history teacher.

Was he an avuncular
bald Jew?

Larry, I was...
oh, I'm sorry.

Um, you left your script
at the rehearsal.

- I was in the area.
- Thank you so much.

- So I can leave this here?
- Put it down over there.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Hello?
- So where were we?

She calls me just
out of the blue.

Out of the blue.
It's all set up.

It's all set up
for next Thursday.


Can I do this?
Is it wrong?

You'll never get another opportunity like
this for the rest of your life.

You have to do this. It's a gift
from your wife. She wants you to do it.

It's my 10th
anniversary present.

It's your 10th anniversary present.
You have to do it.

Oh, I hope
I can do it.

- She's fierce.
- Okay.

At first I thought
it was my imagination,

but you're talking
really gay.

- No no no, really gay.
- Get out of here.

Fierce? Where does fierce
come from?

And everything
is this and that.

- What do you think?
- Steve the choreographer says it.

Steve the choreographer... you been
spending a lot of time with him?

- I probably picked up some mannerisms. -
Some? All! You're him!

- What?
- You're him.

You've become Steve
the gay choreographer.

- It's not that bad.
- No, it's that bad.

At first I thought,
no no no, then..."fierce!"

- Okay.
- What's going on with your locker?

- What?
- It's a pigsty, man.

- So what?
- It's decorum. Have respect.

What are you doing
throwing all that shit on the ground?

- Mind your own business.
- Hey, Norm.

- Hey, Jeff.
- Hey, Norm.

- Hello, Larry.
- Norm, you should've seen rehearsals.

They're really
coming along.

Oh, good.
Mel told me.

Hey, I forgot to ask you,
wanna play golf on Saturday

- with Marty Funkhouser?
- Sure.

I don't think you'll be playing golf
with Marty Funkhouser this Saturday.

- Why?
- You know Leo his father?

- Yeah.
- We lost him yesterday.

- Hodgkin's, real bad.
- Oh.

I thought he had
the good Hodgkin's.

- No such thing as good Hodgkin's.
- Yes, there is.

How do you know?
What's your proof?

I'm gonna tell you
how I know, okay?

I used to watch
"Party of Five"...

"Party of Five,"
right there.

Charlie, the orphan son, the oldest one, he
had good Hodgkin's.

I wouldn't be going around quoting
good Hodgkin's based on "Party of Five."

- Just me.
- Okay, fine.

- Half off.
- Really?

- Here you go, guys.
- What a deal.

- I know.
- You guys got a nice day.

- Thank you, Sven.
- You're welcome.

All right. What is that?
Is that Swedish, Sven?

It's Norwegian.

I'm sorry, I thought
Sven was a Swedish name.

It's not. 'Cause I don't look
Swedish, do I?

It's a big difference.

What's the difference, may I ask?

Culture, looks, names,
history, food, dancing.

Okay okay, sorry,
honest mistake.

Are Swedes touchy if you
refer to them as Norwegians?

- Why don't you ask a Swede?
- Yeah, maybe I will.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Hey, fancy-pants.
- Oh yeah, I gotta go to a funeral.

- Uh, oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, it's a guy I knew.

- Are you okay to move and stuff?
- Yeah yeah yeah yeah.

- I was in this store a few days ago.
- Yeah?

And, uh, I saw a bag
of your dad's cashew-raisins.

Oh, good good,
did you get it?

He's kind of, uh...

he's kind of skimping on
the cashews a little bit.

Uh, what do you mean?

There's like four cashews
in a whole bag, you know?

- Um...
- Here look. I'll show you.


Wow, you... you saved
a bag to show me.

I didn't save it. I'm going
to the funeral, I need a snack actually.

They're very good.
They're delicious cashews,

but would it kill him to put
three more cashews in there?

You know what it is? I mean,
the cashews are expensive, first of all.

Um, there's a... you know
there's a shortage right now.

- Cashew shortage?
- It's for the last several...

- actually, several years.
- I never read about a cashew shortage.

That's because
you're not in the industry.

- Can I give him a little advice?
- Please.

I would call it raisins.

And then let people be
surprised by the cashews.

You're not serious,
are you?

I am, yeah. It's better than
being disappointed

by buying something
called cashew-raisins.

We could put more in there,
but they'd charge you a lot more.

That's the balance. We wanted
to make an affordable snack.

- An affordable snack.
- Give me three more cashews in here,

I'll be a happy man.
Then I think you got the right ratio.

That's all.
No big deal.

Should we just rehearse?
Can we get started?



Look at this.
Letter from the club.

I didn't get one.

- Having a dirty locker.
- You're kidding me?!

If I don't clean it,
they're gonna suspend me.

- You believe this bullshit?
- Wow, how do you think they found out?

- Norm.
- Why would he do something like that?

- He hates me.
- He hates you, huh?

- He hates me.
- Wow, that's a horrible thing to do.

Terrible, yeah.

What do you eat
those things for?

- What, Health-Glo?
- There's no cashews. I love cashews.

- They put no cashews in there.
- Yeah, you know who makes it?

- Who?
- Schwimmer's father.

- You're kidding me.
- Swear to God.

- You ought to tell him to add cashews.
- I did.

- Really? Wow, great, great.
- Yeah.

- Hey, Norm.
- Shalom, Jeff.

- Hey, Norm?
- Yeah?

Care for some, uh,

No, I have
no appetite.

Hey, Norm, let me
ask you something.

I got a letter from the club
about having a dirty locker.

They don't like
dirty lockers.

- Yeah.
- You remember Burt Suzuki?

- Yeah.
- They kicked him out months ago.

- Filthy locker, filthy.
- Yeah, I was just kind of wondering

maybe, if you had
anything to do with that?

- Me?
- Yeah.


You sure?


- I'm very sorry.
- Thank you very much.

I'm very sorry.

Very sorry.

- Hi, Larry.
- Sorry about your uncle.

- Thank you very much.
- Very sorry.

Very sorry.
Sorry about your dad.

- Thanks, Larry.
- He was a good man.

He was a great man.

Maybe we'll play golf sometime,
when you're...

- Mm-hmm.
...feel better.

- If you feel up to it.
- Mm-hmm.

Sure you don't want to give
me that weatherman's tip?

Right now
I'm in mourning.

No, I'm not saying now,
but some other time, you know.

We'll talk about it.
Do what... do what you have to do.

What's with
the open casket?

I know, why do we have
to go look at that?

Hey, Jeff Rosenthal.

He was a writer
on "Party of Five."

- That guy, really?
- Yeah.

Go ask him.

Excuse me.
I'm sorry.

- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Sure.

This is gonna sound a little crazy.
Did you work on "Party of Five"?


You remember the season
when Charlie had Hodgkin's?

Yeah yeah.

So in the show, didn't
he have good Hodgkin's?

Well, he had Hodgkin's
that he survived.

I don't know
if that's good.

He survived it,
so that was good.

But isn't there a good Hodgkin's
and a bad Hodgkin's?

No, there's Hodgkin's
and non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

And Hodgkin's disease
has a better survival rate.

Okay, so that's
a better Hodgkin's.

I mean,
that's a valid point,

but I wouldn't say
it was good.

- It's better.
- It's better.

- Okay.
- But not good.


Okay, there's two
kinds of Hodgkin's.

One has a better survival
rate than the other.

- Right.
- Okay, so it's good.

No, it's not good.

Well, it's better
than the other.

Okay, better,
but it's not good.

Compared to the other,
it's good.

- What?
- My 5-wood's in there.

- What?
- Go see for yourself.

It's my 5-wood.

- Oh my God.
- The fuck is my 5-wood

- doing in the casket?
- I have no idea.

- He wanted to be buried with his club.
- Yeah?

Sven must have put my club
in there, probably on purpose.

- That's a horrible thing to do.
- That club's irreplaceable.

- It's 10 years old. They don't make it.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, man.

- You got your clubs in your trunk?
- Yeah.

- No, not... no no no.
- Why?

Because I like
the way mine feels.

Your club, I can get at
any store in the country.

- But I like the feel.
- It doesn't matter. It's one club.

- I like that club.
- Why should this guy

be buried in eternity with my club? That's
not fair.

That's not fair.
I'll buy you a new club today.

The exact same one.
And it better have the same feel.

My Uncle Leo was
more than my uncle,

he was like a second
father to me.

And he loved life, my Uncle Leo.
Didn't he?

He was a guy who
lived it to the hilt.

Loved his only son Marty.

He loved a good walk.
Loved ginger-ale...

on ice with the fizz.

- He liked driving his car.
- Hey.

- Hated to fly.
- Hey!

A short nap
in the afternoon; "Jeopardy."

- Those of you that knew him.
- Look at that.

He loved
to frame the answers

- like questions, huh?
- It's disgusting.

Every second Tuesday,
a haircut.

I'm just gonna say goodbye
to my Uncle Leo.

Marty, come here
a minute.

Is this his 5-wood?

No. Someone must
have switched it.

What is that?

- Is that a cashew?
- Yeah, it's a cashew.

We are kicked out
of our country club

because of
a fucking 5-iron?

- It was a 5-wood.
- Jeffrey?

You didn't know the golf club
had your name on it?

Fucking idiot!

What are we supposed
to do now, all right?

Where's Cheryl
gonna play tennis?

- Good question. Where am I gonna play?
- Yeah, exactly.

I've been playing
at that club for years.

She's in the tournaments. She's one
of the best players in the club.

She's not that great.

Matter of fact, I am
and I think I proved that.

I beat her 6-1, 6-love

- two years ago.
- Two years ago!

And you're still
hanging onto that.

You know how many times I've played
tennis since? You know what?

The truth of the matter is

Cheryl cares about that club,
I care about that club,

Sammi goes to day camp there with
the same kids she's been with for years.

You two don't give a shit
about anybody but yourself.

You're fucking
narcissists, okay?

It's all a game,
all a big fucking game.

- What are we gonna do?
- You're just so inconsiderate.

You don't think about
what's gonna happen next.

You know what?
That 5-wood was irreplaceable.

- Mine's replaceable.
- And I'll tell you,

I would rather be out of that club
with my 5-wood

- than in it without it.
- We'd rather you be in it without it.

We've no place to go,
no place to play.

It was our social life!

Okay, you know what?

I think my friend Julie
was just saying

that the Beverly Park Country Club
might be taking new members.

Beverly Park,
that's pretty...

And it's a beautiful
country club.

All right, I don't
want to offend you,

but there's, like, three
fucking Jews in the whole club.

It's not for us.
It's WASP, WASP, Republican city.

Okay, you know what?
I fit in with you guys all the time.

For years, I've been
going to your thing, so...

How am I gonna get by
in the interview?

This one would stick out
like a sore fucking thumb.

- This Jew-face over here.
- I'm more of a Jew-face than you?

Hey, fuck you, Larry.
I didn't get us into this predicament.

- I'm much more gentiley than you are.
- Okay okay, look.

We get an interview,
we go in there.

- It's a great golf course.
- It is.

- They have a beautiful tennis court.
- But you know what?

You have to walk on that course.
There's no carts.

- We like to take a cart.
- I'm not joining.

It wouldn't hurt you
to walk a little, Jeff.

That's what it's all about.
You can't exercise a little bit?

I'd have to get a doctor's
note in order to take a cart.

- So get a fucking doctor's note!
- I don't know any doctor.

It's always
something with them.


Hey, Oskie!
Come on.

What's going on?
What are you doing?

Should I sit?


The dog bit
my penis!

- Fucking dog should be put to sleep.
- He should be put to sleep.

- You think so too?
- He's biting people. That's dangerous.

He's never bitten
anybody before, ever.

It's not the first time
with you and the dog. I know that.

What does that mean?
What happened with the dog?

- Tell her.
- Nothing happened with the dog.

Obviously something

- He said it's not the first incident.
- He pet the dog before.

Dog was in his lap.
He got up, he had a boner.

Why did the dog
give you an erection?

And why didn't you
tell me about that?

First of all,
that's not true, okay?

- That's not true. I was petting the...
- Why would he say that?

- Because he's a moron...
- I'm making it up? What happened?

I was petting the dog,
and then the dog left

- and I got up and I adjusted my pants.
- Because you had an erection?

No, because I just had
to adjust my pants.

- And then Susie saw me.
- What was the dog doing to you?

Nothing, I was just petting it.
You see what you did?

- You see what you did now?
- Oh my God, wait a second.

Is that why Ted Danson
didn't want you to take care of his dog?


Oh, God, I'm so sorry
to keep you waiting.

Some privacy here.

Okay, let me see.
I just got this.

I'm sorry, I haven't
really looked at it.

They checked you
in outside and, uh,

you don't have any allergies
to medicines or...

- No no.
- You have a history of heart disease?

High blood pressure,
eczema, anything like that?

- No no.
- Okay, good, good.

All right,
so what's the problem?

I, uh...

a dog, uh...

- A dog?
- Bit me over there. Bit my penis.

A-a dog bit
your penis?

Okay, well...

that sounds painful.


Let's see. Okay, Mr...
Larry David?

Oh my God.

Are you in
"The Producers"?

- Yeah.
- I'm best friends with Steve.

Steve, the choreographer
for "The Producers."



Yes! He mentioned
me, then?

He's told me
a lot about you, actually.

He said that I think you love
to play golf and...

I golf too.

That's the only reason
I'm bringing it up.

So, okay.
Well, I'll go all day if you let me.

Why don't you
give me "Mister Baggie"

and just stand up and show
me what the dog did?

And he says to you,
"You got it out there,

- but it's low and to the right."
- Hello!

- Hi, Erin told us to come right in.
- Cheryl?

- Yes. Cheryl.
- Jim Rummington.

- Nice to meet you.
- Hello, Jim. Larry.

- Larry?
- Larry David.

- What a great pleasure to meet you.
- I'm sure it's ours.

- Please, have a seat.
- Thank you.

- Here you go, sweetheart.
- Thank you, darling.

By the way,

I must comment on how
friendly everybody was.

- We just parked our Hummer in the lot.
- You have a Hummer?

- Oh yes.
- How do you like it?

Oh, I like it.

- It's very roomy.
- What a beauty.

I'm not too worried about
the global warming.

People like it a little warmer,
don't they?

- Am I crazy here?
- By the way,

where did you
go to school?

New Haven.
I went to Yale.

- Oh, I see, I see.
- Did you meet in school?

- Um, no, actually.
- Not really.

It's sort
of a May-December relationship.

I don't know
if you've noticed.

I would call it May-October.
I wouldn't say December.

No, we met
at a fundraiser.

- What was the fundraiser?
- It was for...

- Ronald Reagan.
- Reagan.

- Oh yeah? Oh I see.
- Yeah, we were both volunteering.

Just volunteering
our time and our effort.

Good for you.
Because when you're young,

you have the energy
and the power to do those things.

But now, that's
the interesting question,

- what do you do afterwards?
- Right.

That's a good question.
What do you do after that?

- You maintain that kind of commitment.
- We come to a place

like this beautiful country club,
and we make...

Magnificent, really.
Just magnificent.

You feel
comfortable here?

Oh, so at home.

Quite comfortable.

Let me say the golf course
is magnificent too,

I'm fairly
new to golf.

- Polo was my game.
- Really?

Oh, well, I had
a terrible accident.

I got hit with
a mallet in the head

and fell off the horse,
and unfortunately my polo days are over.

But I found the swing
really works for golf.

- Yes, he's a natural.
- I picked it up right away.

You know, that's right.
It is a similar swing.

It's a similar swing.
Think about it, yeah.

By the way,
did I notice

a log-cabin Republican
in the parking lot?

Was that you?
Did you let that one in, Ken?

I thought we did.

Let me ask you a question.
What hobbies

or social societies
have you been involved in?

That's a fair question.
Outside of golf of course,

- we like sailing.
- Yes, we sail as a pair.

Got a schooner
down at the marina.

A schooner in the marina?
That's marvelous.

- You must know Baxter Churchill?
- Of course.

- Yes yes.
- Sail it yourself

or do you have a captain?

Occasionally I'll bring
a captain in if it's windy.

Could I ask you a few
more questions

- about organizations you belong to?
- Absolutely.

I'm a Moose...

- and an Elk.
- You're a Moose and an Elk?

- I'm a Moose and an Elk, yes.
- That's extraordinary.

- I'm in the Rotary Club.
- Well, oh my.

What other organizations
are you members of?

We're on the Council
for Conservative Citizens,

- National Right to Life Committee.
- Yes.

we're in the Heritage

I think this has gone
rather well.

- Proceedings have come to an end.
- Great.

We've enjoyed
meeting you.

- We've enjoyed meeting you.
- Gentlemen, before we go...

unfortunately because
of my polo accident,

I'm not able
to walk the course

and I'll have
to take a cart.

That's from my
personal physician.

- Oh, I see.
- One Anthony Parker.

Dr. Anthony Parker.

- Hello?
- Hey, Delilah, it's Larry David.

- Hi, Larry.
- I'm sorry,

but I'm not gonna be able
to make it tonight.

Why not?

A dog bit my penis.