Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 4, Episode 4 - The Weatherman - full transcript

Larry questions a weatherman's ability to manipulate the media so he can have the country club to himself.

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There.
There we go, Larry.

Let me get this
cotton out for you

and you'll be ready
for Dr. Funkhouser.

Thank you,
Delilah.

- Hey, Saul.
- How you doing? Feeling all right?

- How are you?
- Uh, lost a crown.

Sorry about last time.
You're not gonna throw up this time.

- I swear.
- I hope not.

Why didn't you tell me
that you're allergic?

- I can't do the gas. It makes me sick.
- Go "ah."

- What's this?
- We have to do this. It's insurance.



- Open up.
- You're taking a picture of my mouth?

Wide, open up wide.
That's very, very angry and red today.

But I think
it's gonna be fine.

By the way, it was very
nice of you to RSVP

for my uncle Leo's
testimonial.

How could I miss
his testimonial?

I've got people
coming from Russia.

- Really?
- A cousin coming from Russia.

I don't see him playing golf anymore.
Does he still play?

- My uncle Leo, he's no spring chicken.
- Yeah, I know.

Sometimes he's feeling
like he could do it,

and sometimes he doesn't want
to embarrass himself.

- Roll up and we'll do this.
- What's going on here?

It's a little sedative. You can't
take the gas, this is the alternative.



Roll up the sleeve
and we'll do it.

Come on, come on, come on.
You afraid of the needle?

No, you know what?

I'm just concerned
that if I roll it up,

it's gonna lose
its elasticity.

You see how it kind of
clings to the wrist now?

They call it an elastic cuff
for a reason, 'cause it snaps back.

You'd think it would, but it's
not like a sock. A sock snaps back.

You can wear a sock
500 times with no problem.

No, socks are cheap,
they don't snap back.

- It takes more than once...
- Believe me,

on very few subjects
I'm a expert on,

and I'm an expert
on elastic.

All right,
you know what, Larry?

If you're that concerned about it,
just take it off.

- Then you don't have to worry about it.
- Okay.

Excuse me, Mr. Sherman
is on the phone.

- Talk to him. I'm with a patient.
- He needs to talk to you.

- Why?
- Root canal. He's called three times.

Okay, fine. You know what?
We're gonna roll this right up

- because I haven't got the time.
- I was gonna take it off.

I have people with real problems
in there and I have to do this now.

I have an hysteric
on the phone,

I have people
in the waiting room,

and this is enough already!
It's enough.

Know what I'm saying?
Five minutes, you're gonna feel fine.

- What line is it?
- Line one.

Oh, great. Look, he ruined the shirt.
Look at this cuff.

And it's flopping all over the place.
Look at that.

- What's with him?
- He's not himself right now.

His uncle
has Hodgkin's.

Yeah, but it's
the good Hodgkin's.

I didn't know there
was a good Hodgkin's.

I'm not saying it's a great Hodgkin's.
It's a good Hodgkin's.

- I'll get it.
- Hey, Pop.

- Mmm?
- Do me a favor, okay?

Next time you use
the bathroom,

make sure to keep
the seat down.

What are you,
pussy-whipped?

It's not really about her,
it's about me.

- I pee sitting down.
- How long you been doing that?

Well, it started because I was
getting up to go at night sometimes

and I didn't feel like
putting the light on,

so I would sit down,
and then I, you know,

I got very comfortable
with it.

Comfortable with...
a man doesn't do that.

- A man stands up to pee.
- I like to sit down,

and I don't want to wind up
in the toilet

because you're keeping the seat up.
Keep it down.

You stand like a person.
I'm very upset with this. This is crazy.

You know what
Winston Churchill said?

Why stand when you can sit?
Have you ever heard that expression?

No, I never heard that.
But I don't think he meant the toilet.

Do you want me to get those
glaucoma drops for you at the drugstore?

Yes, I'm just about
out of them.

- Pick up the drops for me. Thank you.
- Okay.

Larry, so that
was Susie.

Um, they're having
a dinner party on Friday.

Because of the Funkhouser
testimonial,

they're having a little,
you know, dinner party

with Marty Funkhouser
and Ann and they have their cousins

coming in
from Russia, so...

And Ted Danson will
be there with Mary.

Oh, okay.
Ted asked us to take care of his dog.

They're going out of town
for a couple of days, so I said okay.

- Us?
- Oh, you're not gonna do anything?

It's just gonna be me?
Okay, fine.

- I like dogs, I'm very happy to do it.
- Okay, you do that.

Look what this dentist
did to my shirt today.

- What happened? It's all stretched out.
- Yeah, I know.

No matter where I sit at these
dinner parties, it always seems

like every conversation is more interesting
than the one I've having.

Right. Except when you're
sitting next to me.

No, it still
feels that way.

What are you doing?
what have you got, the mail?

Yeah, I grabbed it
on the way out.

Oh, a bill from
Dr. Funkhouser.

- Already?
- Wonder if Saul's gonna be there?

He didn't mention anything about it.
I just saw him.

I can't believe he already sent a bill.
That was fast.

He needs his money.

Eeew, aaah!

- Oh!
- Oh my God.

- What are you, crazy? What's going on?
- What is that?

"Here's a copy of the picture
of your tooth for insurance purposes"?

- My tooth? That's my tooth?
- Oh my God!

- That's in your mouth?!
- What are they sending it to me for?

Why didn't they send it to the insurance
company? I don't need that!

My God!

This is great. You came from Russia
for your uncle's testimonial?

- His favorite uncle.
- Favorite uncle, huh?

It's nice. You get to see
your cousin Marty, right?

He loves Marty.

I like talking
through a translator.

It's fun, yeah.

I wish I could do
this with my wife.

What's with the bare feet?

It's more comfortable this way.
Feels like at home.

Oh, yeah?

Where did... where do you...
where do you buy your glasses,

- in France?
- Los Angeles.

- Can he try it on?
- You know what?

I don't really like people
trying my glasses on.

- Just for one minute.
- I'd rather not.

I'm a little
uncomfortable with it.

- He's a guest here, so, like...
- I understand,

but that doesn't mean I need him
to try on my glass... no, no, nyet!

No!

What are you doing?
No! Nyet!

Okay.

This Russian is nuts.

He just grabbed
for my glasses.

- Out of nowhere?
- He wanted to try them on.

I said I don't like when
people try my glasses on.

- He just grabbed for them?
- Yeah. And what's with the no shoes?

Great, I have to have dinner and look
at his disgusting feet all night?

They'll be
under the table.

- Where's Ted and Mary?
- Movie premiere. They couldn't make it.

Oh, too bad, too bad.
It would've been nice to have him here.

Instead of all
these Funkhousers.

Yeah, it's chock
full of Funkhousers.

Jeffrey, I need
you in the kitchen, honey.

Oskie, come here, boy.
Come here, boy. Yeah.

Who's a good boy?
Yeah, he's a good boy.

Oh, what a good boy.

Yeah, good boy.

Enjoying the dog?

Dinner's served.

And he's gonna
take care of Ted's dog.

Very good.

You can stay up
till 10:00, young lady.

- Hi, Larry.
- Hi, Sammi.

Maybe you should
take your shoes off like that guy.

Take my shoes off like that guy?
I don't think so.

- You could be twins.
- I don't want to be twins with him.

Oh, no, come on, Sammi.
What are you doing?

Sammi, Sammi, come on!
Give me that sneaker. Sammi!

Hey, Lar, you ever hear
of Denta Friend?

- Denta Friend? No.
- It's a new sonic toothbrush

that would really
get rid of your plaque.

What are you talking about, get rid
of my plaque? I don't have plaque.

My cousin's hygienist
told me you had plaque.

Your cousin's hygienist
told you I have a lot of plaque?

What's the big deal?
Plaque is not a serious disease.

First of all, number one,
I don't have any plaque.

Number two, she shouldn't
be talking about it.

That's a breach
of patient/hygienist confidentiality.

There is no patient/hygienist
confidentiality.

- You're so wrong.
- It's unethical. Maybe not legally

like a doctor or a lawyer,
but it's unethical is what he's saying.

It's totally unethical.
And I don't have any plaque.

- Do I have an electric toothbrush?
- He has.

- How often do I floss?
- At least twice a day.

Tell him I don't have any plaque.
Did you tell him that?

- You have plaque.
- You want to have a plaque contest?

- Anytime you want.
- Anytime you want.

- Let's have a plaque contest.
- Fine, you want to?

Challenge me, just
like you do in golf.

By the way, that tip... remember the tip I
gave you at Ben Stiller's house?

- Have you tried it?
- Best tip I ever got.

- Fantastic tip?
- Hold it, hold it.

I've got a tip that will
save your game. Change it.

It's the easiest thing...
the weatherman gave it to me.

Weatherman gave you
a good golf tip?

I played with him two weeks ago
and it's changed my entire game.

- And it is so simple.
- Really? What is it?

- Lock your hands... this way.
- Which? Okay.

- Instead of bringing your
hands back like this... - Right.

You start the rotation...

Sammi!
Sammi!

What is it?
What? What?

What is that? What is this?
Oh, it's disgusting.

- What the hell is this?
- Hey, wait a second.

- What is...
- That's a picture of my tooth.

- The dentist took it for insurance.
- Where did you get that?

- It just fell out of Larry's jacket.
- Fell out of my jacket?

What are you leaving
stuff out like that for?

What are you bringing that
into a person's house for?

She took the mail
into my car.

- Why would you bring it in their house?
- Disgusting, Larry.

- She went through my pocket.
- You know what?

I think we're gonna leave.
We had a great time.

- Thank you very much.
- I'm sorry about this.

- See you at the testimonial.
- I was getting a crown.

- That's all, and...
- Goodbye. Thanks.

She shouldn't have been
going through the papers.

- It's disgusting.
- It is disgusting, believe me.

I think we're gonna leave.

- I'm not feeling very well.
- What, you're not well?

- No, I had too much cake.
- Oh.

Oh, um, I need my...

uh, my sneaker.

- Larry, now is not the time, okay?
- Okay.

You can go home
without your sneaker.

You have more
sneakers at home.

- Your sock might get dirty.
- Sammi, where's my...

Larry!

It's okay.
You're gonna be okay.

She could have told me
where the sneaker was.

It's not that hard.

"In the closet,"
three words.

One word..."closet."
How about that?

And how about
that hygienist?

It's like, if you go
to a prostitute

and the prostitute goes around
telling everybody you got a small penis.

Not that I've ever
been to a prostitute.

Not that I have
a small penis.

You plunk down
$300 for a hooker,

expect her to keep
her mouth shut.

I'm only guessing $300.
What do I know? What?

My stomach
is killing me.

I am never gonna eat
at their house again.

I swear, I don't know what Susie
does when she cooks, but it's awful.

Yeah, it was really
pretty bad, wasn't it?

Oh my God,
it was so bad.

I was trying to make
myself throw up.

- That's how bad it is.
- Oh, God, poor thing.

Oh, just feel
like I need...

Oh, quiet quiet.
The weatherman's on.

By the beaches it is
a bit cool, around 70?.

But tomorrow's forecast, folks,
I'm sorry to say it, it is rain.

thundershowers, the big ones,
folks, all day.

So for you golfers out there,
better find something else to do.

I know I'll be watching that "Godfather"
trilogy.

Jennifer, Stu, back to you.

- Hello?
- Hey.

- You listening to this?
- Yeah, I just saw it. Listen...

- I'm not gonna play.
- What?

Come on,
it's gonna rain.

He's only saying it's gonna.
We don't know for sure.

He's only saying?
It's his job. It's gonna rain.

Let's wake up in the morning and
at least talk on the phone and see...

No, I'm gonna
stay home with Sammi.

- What?
- No, she's having a tough night

and I just think
it'd be better

if I stayed home
with her tomorrow.

He's not right
all the time, you know?

Well, he's right
most of the time.

- And it's gonna rain tomorrow, okay?
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

What?!

What happened,
Larry?

I fell in
the toilet.

Did you leave
the seat up?

Oh, I guess I did
when I tried to throw up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, you gotta keep
the seat down, Cheryl!

Is that too much to ask,
to keep a seat down?!

Soaking wet.

I hurt my back.
Soaking wet.

What's wrong?

My back, oh.

What a lousy
night's sleep.

Man! Cheryl,

it's beautiful out.

Jeff canceled golf because
the weatherman predicted rain.

Well, sometimes
they're wrong, Larry.

Predicts rain,
doesn't rain.

It's not the first time
this has happened.

Cheryl, something
fishy's going on here.

What if the weatherman...

predicts
it's gonna rain

just so he can keep people off
the golf course

and have it for himself?
What do you think of that theory?

- I think it's ridiculous.
- Really? Do you?

Mm-hmm.

Something about that
weatherman I don't trust.

I don't like
that weatherman.

He's a very
slick weatherman.

Sounds like you're
really onto something.

I'm gonna go to
that golf course.

I want to check
something out.

Get my cane.

Oh, brother.

Hey, Chuck.

Hey, how's it going,
Larry?

Not bad.
How's it looking out there?

It's wide open, man.
Hardly anybody out there.

- Is that right?
- Yeah.

Probably has something to do
with that weather forecast.

You know what?
Probably does.

Huh.

- Have you seen the weatherman?
- Yes, matter of fact,

there he is with Dr. Funkhouser,
coming up on the ninth hole.

What do you know?

So, uh, what's
with the cane?

Fell in the toilet.

- Hey, Lar.
- Hey, Larry. What's going on?

- Beautiful day, huh?
- Yeah, great day for golf.

- What's up?
- I was supposed to play today.

- Really?
- Then Jeff called me and canceled

because of your weather
report about thundershowers.

- He made a mistake, so what?
- I said thundershowers?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Oops.

- Oop.
- Okay, nice to see you.

- Too bad for me. Too bad for me.
- Take care.

I don't quite
get your point.

All right, weatherman,
I'm gonna tell you my point.

I've got
a sneaking suspicion

that you're
predicting rain

to clear the golf course
for yourself.

- Oh my God, come on.
- That's ridiculous.

Ridiculous?
Ridiculous?

It's happened before, weatherman.
You know it.

You know what?
I'm calling the weather people on you.

You're gonna report me
because it's a nice day?

I'm gonna report you because every time
you want to play golf,

- you make sure that it's raining.
- First of all,

I'm not a weatherman,
I'm a meteorologist.

- I'd appreciate a little respect.
- Oh, excuse me, Doctor.

Can you guys just calm down?
We're in the middle of a game.

- Larry?
- Yes.

There's a low pressure system
sitting out over the coast.

The jet stream brings
that into this area.

The jet stream is controlled
by the rotation of the earth.

- You know who controls that? God.
- There's a jet stream

of bullshit coming
out of your mouth.

- You are busted, buddy.
- Stop pointing with the cane.

You're busted!
Yeah, Dr. Funkhouser,

I'd appreciate it next time,

don't roll up my sleeve
if I request you not to.

- Look at what you did to my shirt.
- What did I do?

- It's not clinging anymore.
- It's not clinging?

It's not clinging to the wrist
the way it's supposed to.

Fine, okay.
You know what?

- And one more thing, okay?
- What?

- Don't take any pictures of my mouth.
- What are you talking about?

You almost gave my wife
a heart attack

and you traumatized
a little girl!

- What?
- Hey, Walter Brennan!

"The barn's on fire!
The barn's on fire!"

I'm turning you in,
weatherman.

Hey, Larry, what happened
to you, buddy?

Fell in the toilet.

What do you mean?

Cheryl left
the toilet seat up.

I fell in.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- What, did you hurt yourself?
- Yeah, I hurt my back.

- I shouldn't be laughing.
- That's all right.

- It's funny, I guess.
- Well, no. I mean...

Hey, you know,
it's good that I ran into you.

Mary and I
were talking

this morning, and, uh,
what we decided to do

is we're gonna go
ahead and board

- Roxy, our dog.
- What?

I know you offered
to take care of her, but, uh,

I just think it's better
to put it into a kennel.

It's a small dog.
Wouldn't be much fun anyway.

I was kind of looking
forward to it. I like dogs.

Yeah yeah.

I just think...
I just think, you know,

maybe next time
or something.

But I really appreciate
the offer. I do.

Thank you.
That was sweet of you.

- Talk to Susie today by any chance?
- Yeah.

I talked to her this morning.
I had to apologize

for not being at
the party last night.

She mention anything
about, uh, last night?

Yeah, she was kind of miffed
that we didn't call.

We had to go
someplace else.

We were supposed
to be there, but why?

- No reason.
- Oh.

All right, I'm going
to go hit some...

hit some balls.
I'll see ya.

Yeah, see ya.

- Hey.
- Came for my sneaker.

All right.
What happened to you?

- I fell in the toilet.
- How'd you fall in the toilet?

I went to go pee
and the seat was up.

- What does that have to do with you?
- I pee sitting down.

- You pee sitting down?
- Yeah. Have you ever tried it?

- No!
- It's more comfortable.

When you get up during the night

you don't have
to turn the light on and wake up.

- And you get to read.
- What are you reading?

- I'm reading a lot of stuff.
- What stuff?

If I pee 20 times
during a day,

- I get through the "New York Times."
- 20 times?

When you're peeing all over your shoe,
I'm learning something.

What makes you think
I'm peeing over my shoe?

Just get my sneaker.

- I don't need to discuss this.
- Jeffrey, who's there?

- Larry.
- Carmelita, put Oscar in the bedroom

and close the door.

- Hey.
- Hi, Lar.

Get this, the weatherman
is a total fraud.

He predicts thundershowers
so nobody will show up

and he'll have
the golf course to himself.

I just came from there,
he's playing with your cousin.

- Why do you pee sitting down?
- Many reasons.

You crap
standing up?

By the way,
you left last night.

You were about to give me
the weatherman's tip

- and you never gave it to me.
- I can't.

He just called me and said,
"Don't give it to Larry."

What an asshole.

- He's not an asshole.
- He is an asshole.

The fuck
happened to you?

Cheryl got nauseous
from your dinner last night

and she left
the toilet seat up,

and then I went to pee
and fell in the toilet.

- She didn't get sick from my dinner.
- How are you feeling?

- I'm not feeling great.
- Marty, you're never feeling great.

- And let me ask you a question.
- What?

Did you talk
to Ted Danson today?

Yeah, he called to see
how the party went.

'Cause I was supposed
to take care of his dog...

and then suddenly he told me
I didn't need to.

- Mm, I wonder why.
- Yeah, I wonder.

I'll get
your sneaker.

Marty, let me ask
you a question.

Does your father
have good Hodgkin's?

Oscar ate it.

Well, I am the good news-bad news kid.
The good news is, folks,

that wonderful weather
we've been enjoying

all week in the whole
Los Angeles basin,

that's going to continue tonight
and all day tomorrow, Saturday.

If you're going to the Leo Funkhouser
testimonial, I'll see you there.

We're gonna have a wonderful day
and Leo, nobody deserves this more.

But the bad news is, we have
a cold weather front

that's gonna push in around
midnight Saturday night.

We're gonna have thundershowers
all day Sunday

and they're gonna continue
all the way into Monday.

Folks, don't shoot me, I'm just the
messenger. All right, back to you.

I'm not dressed
appropriately for this.

- I think you're fine.
- What are you doing?

- These are name tags.
- Name tags?

Okay.

What for?

- Everybody wears name tags.
- What?

- Thank you.
- Hi. Hi, Cheryl.

- Hi, Saul.
- What's happening?

- Just putting on our name tags.
- Name tags?

Yeah, everybody's
wearing a name tag.

- What's wrong?
- I gotta wear a name tag?

You're a little too sophisticated
to wear a name tag?

No, it has nothing to do with that.
It's my jacket.

If I put this on, it's gonna leave
little paper remnants.

- It's gonna ruin the suede.
- Look, this comes off, it goes on.

- Just like that.
- You already ruined a shirt of mine

- by rolling up my sleeve.
- There, okay?

It's on. You're gonna go celebrate
with everybody else.

Come on, let's just go inside, okay?
What do you say?

- Okay.
- All right, okay, fine.

- Thank you for coming, Cheryl.
- Thank you.

It'll be fine.
It's not very nice suede anyway.

Okay.

Did you have any idea
it was gonna be this big?

Here's our table.

- Hey, there's Jeff.
- Hey, Lar.

- What's up?
- You guys aren't at our table?

Why don't you switch? Nobody's
gonna notice. I don't know these people.

- Who's gonna know?
- It's like they do this on purpose.

Excuse me,
what are you doing?

Making sure the placecards
are where they're supposed to be.

- This is mine and my husband's.
- Jenny and Sam.

- I think this is...
- Oh, and you're Larry. Larry David.

You're supposed to be
at this table, yeah.

I heard about your
tooth plaque problem...

- My what?
- Your problem with your tooth plaque.

No no no! I don't have a problem.
Where'd you get this from?

- It's not important who said it.
- It's not important?

- The hygienist? Did she tell you?
- l... I really...

- Who, Dr. Funkhouser?
- I know about this really great product

- that could help you out.
- I don't have a tooth plaque problem.

I floss probably more often
than anybody in this room.

- Good, you don't need to know.
- Just do me a favor.

- Don't mention this.
- Don't be so sensitive.

It's not something...
I didn't grow up dreaming of doing this.

It's not something
I even thought about.

It's something that I was good at.
I had the voice for it...

Well, if it isn't the old
reliable weatherman.

Hey, Larry,
where's your cane?

- Back's all better.
- Good, good. Yeah, nice.

So, uh, you
called Marty Funkhouser,

specifically told him
not to give me the tip?

Yeah, exactly
what I did.

I got a little tip for you,

- weatherman, okay?
- Okay.

Expect to find a little company tomorrow
on the golf course.

- I heard your little report last night.
- Lar?

Bring a raincoat. It's gonna thundershower
all day tomorrow.

- You won't see me out there.
- Oh, I'm really worried.

- Bring a slicker.
- It's not gonna work.

It's not gonna
work tomorrow, buddy.

- Good to see your back's better.
- Yeah.

Well, this is a great day,
as you all know,

here at Rolling Valley
Country Club.

35 years ago
to this date,

my father Leo Funkhouser

joined this club.

And at the time, we were the first
and only Jewish family.

And today we still are,
but we love this place.

It's great to see
all your faces here,

and this is a very special day
for all of us.

It's not often that a son gets
to honor his father

in front of his friends.
It's usually after the fact.

And I'm so proud of my dad.
He's meant so much to me.

When we were little
and I was a baby...

Oh, look at this.

Look at that!

That's it, that's the end
of the jacket.

When I was three years old,
he couldn't do it anymore

'cause I was
taller than he was.

What a great day.
There's not a lot I can say.

Leo, right now,
as you all know, has retired.

My mom couldn't be here
tonight, of course.

She passed away
10 years ago...

Excuse me.

Can you keep it down a little bit?
'Cause it's loud.

I have to translate for my husband.
He doesn't understand.

I understand, but just
be a little quieter, that's all.

Yeah, drink your tea
or coffee.

- My husband said be quiet.
- I'm just trying to hear...

I'm trying to hear what
your cousin has to say.

Yeah, shut your mouth.
You can see your plaque.

What did he say? Shut my mouth?
I don't have any plaque.

- You tell him I don't have any plaque.
- Shh!

- You have full mouth full of plaque.
- Oh, yeah?

At least I don't hide my baldness
with a yarmulke.

- He has more hair than you.
- Bet you got nothing under that.

He'll show it to you
if you'll show him glasses.

Tell him he don't touch
my glasses.

- Give your glasses!
- Don't you touch those!

Larry, okay. Larry!

Ow, I hurt
my back again.

Let's bring the roof
down for my father,

Leo Funkhouser.

Larry, get up.

I can't.
I hurt my back.

- Stand up.
- I can't.

I hurt my back.

- Larry, get up.
- My back hurts!

- Up up up!
- Cheryl, I can't.

- Stand up.
- Come on, stand up.

- Larry! Come on!
- I can't.

I hurt my back.
I hurt my back.

- Get up.
- Get up.

It had
to freaking rain.

It had to
freaking rain!