Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - The Blind Date - full transcript

Larry makes a last-ditch effort to keep Ben Stiller in The Producers, and tries to keep a friend happy by setting him up with a blind date. Meanwhile, Jeff's bizarre sexual fantasy gets out in the open.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
You know,
you should get

one of these
cordless vacuums!

Hey, Mikey boy!

- What?
- What? I'm talking.

Yeah? Sorry,
I was just listening to music.

You know what? You better
get a new girlfriend, all right?

'Cause this isn't gonna
last that much longer.

Yeah, well,
whose fault is it

that I don't have
a girlfriend anymore?

Hey, I did you a favor.
The problem is

it's hard to fix you up.
You're so particular.

I would like to be with an attractive woman,
yes. What guy wouldn't?

Not only does she have
to be good-looking,

- but she's going out with a blind man.
- So?

- She has to wait on hand and foot.
- So?

What matters to women is
what's on the inside of a fella.

Okay, first of all,
you've got nothing

inside of you, okay?
Let me just make that clear.

You are the most superficial
man I've ever met,

blind or sighted,

Be that as it may,
it's just not fair

that people get
to see her and I don't.

It's not fair everybody knows what
she looks like except you?

It's not fair.

- Did you get the corners?
- You know what I'll do?

Keep my eyes and ears open. Maybe
there's somebody I can fix you up with.

"I am Max Bialystock,

first producer ever

to do summer stock
in the winter.

You've all heard
of theater-in-the-round.

You're looking at the man
who invented theater..."

Argh! Argh!


There he is. Honey,
right here. He's right here.

I still can't see
out of this side.

- Hey.
- Hey!

- Hi, Larry.
- Hi, Christine, hey.

- You okay?
- Yeah. Thanks for coming.

Yeah, come on in.

- I got severe tire damage.
- That sucks.

- You know those signs? It's true.
- Awful.

Hang on a second.

- You got it?
- No.

Wait, just stop.

- No, stop. Don't do anything.
- I'm not.

You've got to...
just stop.

Okay, now.


Oh, man.

- You okay?
- Yeah, my car...

the gate crashed
right down on it.

We're taking Christine to yoga class
and then we'll go to rehearsal, okay?

- Oh, okay, yoghurt.
- Hmm?

Is that a prefix,
you think, "yo"?

Yo-ga, yo-ghurt.

Think that's related...
- ghurt, -ga?

They're both healthy things.
Yoghurt, yoga.

I don't think so.

Hey, I thought of some more yos.

- Yodel, have you ever yodeled?
- Bye, honey.

Larry, great seeing you.

- Bye, Christine.
- Bye, guys.

How about what's-his-name,
from the movie?

She can't hear you.
Why don't you come up front?

Eh, I'm okay.

Come on up front.

I'm good.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah, why? What's the difference?

I'm not gonna drive you around
like a chauffeur. Get in the front seat.

You're not driving me around
like a chauffeur.

We're two minutes
from the rehearsal hall.

What kind of person asks another one
to drive them around like this?

This kind of mentality's

What kind of person is so insecure
that they have to make somebody

move into the front seat so they don't think
they're driving somebody around?

The kind of person that's so insecure
that needs to be driven around.

Subliminally you're telling me
you need me to drive you around.

Why do I have to leave my
seat, go into the front seat?

Because I asked you to,
and it's my car and if it's my car,

- I make the rules, okay?
- You're making the rules?

- We would have been there already.
- Yes, very good!

You can't drive with somebody
in the back seat.

You're such a baby.

- You're a grown man baby.
- Are you saying I'm a man-child?

I'm saying
you're a little baby.

Little baby wants a ride?
We'll give little baby a ride.

- You know what? Baby wants to walk.
- No no!

- I should have brought my baby seat...
- Little baby's gonna walk!

Mr. David, where to now?
Where to now, Mr. David?

Sorry if I didn't read
the rules getting into the car.

Here we go,
driving Mr. Larry.

Hey, take it easy, man.

- You're the baby, Larry.
- Oh, I'm the baby?

'Cause I want to take a poll,
that makes me a baby?

- No, you know what makes you a baby?
- What?

- The fact that you're a stupid baby!
- I'm a stupid...

Look at this thing you're
walking around with,

- a big sack on your back.
- It's my knapsack!

# They were helpless #

# They were hopeless #

# Then along came Bialy. #

Good morning!

- Hey, by the way...
- Hey, by the way.

your little cousin finished
all the Grape Nuts this morning.

He's a guest in our house,
we should just...

How much longer,
by the way?

I don't know,
three or four days.

I don't know.
We'll see. We'll see.

All right.

Hey, if it's okay with you,
I'm taking your car today.

I got a meeting
with Mel Brooks.

Oh, okay.

You know what? Maybe while you're out,
you could get it washed.

It looks pretty clean,
by the way.

- Do you mind?
- But it's totally clean.

- Good morning.
- Morning. I got to show you something.

- A card trick.
- Oh, a card trick, okay.

- Okay, you see this deck? One deck.
- Yeah.

Now you have to tell me
when to stop.


Now this...

# Doo-doo, doo-doo # your card
- Okay.

- I'd like you to shuffle this, please.
- All right.

Efficiently and
any way possible.

Okay, fine,
it's all shuffled.

Okay, and...

this is your card.


- Yeah.
- How'd you do that?

I'm sorry,
I can't tell you.

- Sorry.
- Stewart, how'd you do the trick?

No, magicians don't tell people
how they do their tricks.

- Well, you're not really a magician.
- Oh, yeah, I am.

- One trick makes you a magician?
- Did I trick you?

Were you a magician before you knew
how to do that trick?

Mmm, not really.

Well, who taught you
how to do the trick?

A magician.

Okay, so you weren't
a magician.

A magician taught you
how to do the trick, right?

- Mmm-hmm, yeah.
- Okay, so I'm not a magician.

Now you're a magician,
so you teach me how to do it.

I can't, just 'cause
you said I am a magician,

I can't teach you.

You didn't know that trick
before the magician

- taught it to you, right?
- Yeah.

So why did the magician
tell you?

He can tell
that I'm a magician.

Well, you can tell
that I'm a magician.

But I'm a magician,
just naturally a magician.

That's what you're saying.
I'm saying I'm naturally a magician.

- But you don't know any tricks.
- And you're just not.

I mean, see,
because I'm a magician,

if you were naturally
a magician,

I'd feel that you were
naturally a magician.

- Are you gonna tell me this trick?
- No.

- Magicians don't reveal their secrets.
- Fine, I gotta go.

You guys are
a lot alike.

Yeah, except he's not
a magician.

Hey, let me
ask you something.

- You going to that Halloween party?
- Of course.

- You are?
- Yeah, we're taking you.

- You gonna wear a costume?
- Of course I'm wearing a costume,

- it's a Halloween party.
- I'm not gonna wear a costume!

Oh, I almost
didn't tell you.

So, last night
at about 11:30,

I go to the bathroom
to, uh, you know.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

You got the energy for that
at 11:30 at night?

I always have
the energy, yeah.

- Kain ein horeh.
- Kain ein horeh.

So I'm thinking about
Jenna Jameson, you know?

- Who's she?
- A porn star, way hot.

And, um, all of a sudden,
she pops out.

You know who pops in?
You're not gonna believe this.

Can you believe that?

- My wife?
- Cheryl, yeah.

What do you mean?
You used...

Yeah, she was there.
I couldn't believe it.

Boom, she was there.

You can't control who pops in.
She pops in.

She pops in?
Why didn't you pop her out?

I tried popping her out.
She wouldn't pop out.

- What, she insisted on staying?
- Not exactly.

"I want to be here
with you, Jeff"?

I couldn't pop her out,
I'm not in control of it.

Besides, my bench is thin.
I don't have a lot going on there.

Your bench is thin?
What, is she on your team now?

No, she's not on my team.
She popped in.

- What are you using my wife for?
- I thought you'd be flattered.

- Flattered? I'm fucking nauseous.
- Why are you nauseous?

It's... ugh!

You, my wife... I just
don't like the whole idea.

- It didn't really happen.
- I know, but it feels... in your mind.

- Okay.
- All right.

- Do me a favor, okay?
- What?

I don't want you using
my wife anymore for that, okay?

I'll never intentionally
use your wife for that.

- What do you mean?
- You can't control who pops in.

Okay, next time she pops in,

pick your pants up
and get out of the room.


- How you doing?
- Very well, thank you.

How's the adoption coming? Good?

- Yes, it's going very well. Thank you.
- Great great great.

Wait till you get the kid.
It'll change your life.

"Get the kid"?

Mel will be with you
in just a second.

- You can go on back.
- Okay.

How are you doing?

- You're carrying on like a funeral.
- That's what it is to me.

It's a decision!

- Hey.
- Larry, Jeff, come in. Close the door.

Do you have any complaints?
I mean, how's it going for you?

I've got one tiny thing,
just one small issue.

I'm not happy with the toilet paper
in the rehearsal hall.

You're gonna get the softest,
most beautiful toilet paper.

You'll be so happy, you'll be hanging
around the toilet every day.

- You'll get me the softer rolls?
- You got it!

- All right!
- Mel, can we get

to why you asked
Larry to come here?

Oh, yeah, we have a little problem.
Yeah, right.

Ben Stiller is gone.

He is history.
He has left us.

He came to me and said,
"It's either me

or Larry David.
Make up your mind."

You know, I went right...

Larry David, Stiller out.

He complained about some things.
I don't know, minor stuff.

- You're kidding?
- No, we're not. Ben Stiller quit.

You wouldn't sit
in the front of a car?

You couldn't move
into the front of the car?

I have to move up to... we were two
minutes away from where we were going.

They were two minutes away
from where they were going!

At Ben Stiller's birthday party,
you didn't bring a present.

- He said no gifts.
- They always say no gift,

but everybody brings a gift.

So, you're at the show,
you won't shake his hand.

I happen to have
a small phobia

about shaking people's hands
who have snot on it.

- It's a small thing.
- Can you blame him?

At the party, everybody sang
"Happy Birthday" but you.

I don't like
the "Happy Birthday" song.

He never sings
the "Happy Birthday" song.

I don't like it either.
I hate the song!

It's a trite, clich? song.
I hate it.

Did you hear this thing
with the shish kabob?

You know about that?
That's painful.

- He's showing a stroke...
- It was an accident!

- Right into the kid's eye!
- Can I say something?

- Please.
- Mel?

Blessing in disguise.

He's a wonderful actor.
He's a fantastic actor.

I don't think he belongs
in musical comedy, frankly.

It's gonna work out,
it's gonna be fine.

- Everything will work out.
- All right.

So, uh, so you'll work on
the toilet paper thing?

Done, done.

Pink, blue, soft...
anything you want.

- You got it. I love you.
- I don't know about blue.

Listen, you know,
don't worry about Ben Stiller.

In my mind, I've got a couple
of wonderful people.

What do you think of...
do you know David Schwimmer?

- Sure, yeah, the guy from "Friends."
- Yeah.

Think about that guy.
Think about that.

He can move well,
sings well.

And we'd save a little money
on the marquee.

"Larry David Schwimmer,"
get it?

- Okay, bad joke.
- That's a good idea. I like that.

- Think about it.
- Bye, fellas, thank you.

- Okay, good to see you.
- Bye-bye.

God bless. Keep up
the good work.

Mel, Mel, you're making
a terrible mistake.

I'm telling you, there's
something wrong with this guy!

He's mentally

There is something about
this middle-aged bald guy

that is thrilling!

Car wash! Car wash!

- Come on.
- We got one.

- Good, good, all right.
- $10.

- $10.
- Okay.

For the Langley Center.
It's a charity

and it's where
we all belong.

- Okay.
- $10.

- Here you go.
- $10.

Everybody's seeing
I'm putting it in my pocket, okay.

Nothing's coming off this.

Your foot's wet
and you're on...

- Oh, sorry.
- You're on the seat.

Could you close the door?
'Cause you're spraying it all inside.

- It looks pretty clean in here.
- Aw, it's dusty.

- Look, don't dump the-
- You're making a mess.

You're making it
a bigger mess than it was.

I think
it's okay now.

No, it ain't looking
like it's supposed to.

I guess I'll get going now.
That's okay.

No no, just give me
one more minute, okay?


Well, guess what?
I'm out of gas.

You left no gas
in the car.

How do you drive
around like that?

I don't know.

I'm nowhere near a gas station.
I gotta pee so bad.

You know what?

Where's my sunblock?

I'll bet you those guys
took my sunblock.

I was at a gas station,
'cause I got your car washed.

You know what?

I can't even talk. I have to go
to the bathroom so bad I'm dying.

All right, goodbye.

Hi, sir. I'm so sorry
to bother you.

I know this is gonna
sound a little crazy,

but my car
ran out of gas,

and I need
to use a bathroom.

- Is it possible just...
- No!

Would it be possible?
I can just get in for two minutes...

- Why would I let a stranger in?
- I'm not really a stranger.

I did the "Seinfeld" show,
I've done...

Hello, how are you?

You know, I was driving by
and I couldn't help but...

I beg you.

I'd like to make
an offer on your house.

10 bucks for a pee.

Oh my God.

May I help you?

My car is out of gas,

and I'm just desperate
to use a bathroom.

Come in, please come in.
Be my invited guest.

- You're kidding?
- Please come in.

- Please to come in.
- Oh my God.




That was so nice of you
to do that.

And can I just say

If you're ever
in my neighborhood

and you need to use
a toilet, I'm your guy.

- Oh, okay, I will remember this.
- All right.

Is there anything else
I can do for you?

- I hate to impose again.
- No no no.

You just did me
an enormous favor.

You got room
for another one?

- I am very curious.
- Really?

I need to get gas
for my car.

- I've got to walk to a station...
- Gas?

- Gasoline.
- I have a refinery in the back.

I'm joking!

I would be pleased
to take you to get gas!

That is unbelievable.
My wife left me with no gas.

- She does it all the time.
- Oh, you are married.

- Yes.
- That's a disappointment.

I thought maybe
I'd finally met someone.

- You don't have a man in your life?
- I don't.

We're a very
superficial people.

We like to know
what women look like,

so it's gonna be tough
for you when the...


What is it?

I think I've got
a guy for you.

- A blind date?
- Literally.

All right, look,
I'll tell you what.

- We'll get some gas, okay?
- Of course.

- And I'll tell you all about him.
- I cannot wait.

- Hey, Haboos.
- Yeah?

- You hungry?
- Yeah.

I've worked up
a little appetite.

- You want to get a little lunch?
- Why not?

You ever had

So this dog digs up a bra,
"Filling too much."

Oh Larry, that's funny.

- You like that?
- Yeah.

This place
is beautiful.

Hey, it's the guys
from the car wash.

Hey, guys.

- Hello.
- Remember me?

- The guy with the really clean car.
- Yeah.

- The blue car.
- The blue car.

You guys did a good job
on that car. Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- No problem. We had fun cleaning it.

- How did you do today?
- Pretty good.

- Yeah?
- We did good today.

- How much money did you make?
- We made $100. We had 10 cars.

Wow, pretty good.

- Yeah, that's good.
- Good, good.

Hey, guys, let me
ask you a question.

Did you happen to see
any sunblock

on the passenger
seat in my car?

- I don't know.
- I didn't see any.

- You didn't see any?
- Never saw any sunblock at all.

- Is that right?
- No no.

- No, huh, didn't see any?
- No.

- I didn't see nothing.
- No?

I'll tell you
why I asked,

because there was some sunblock
when I drove in...

- No there wasn't.
- The sunblock was missing.

I didn't...
I didn't know that.

- I guess it's missing. Who knows?
- Yeah.

- We know nothing about sunblock.
- Okay, I was just...

You want to sit down and
have some food with us?

- It's really good.
- Sure, okay.

- This is my friend Haboos. I'm Larry.
- Oh, hello.

- Hello, I'm Stanley.
- Hello.

Now weren't there, um...

weren't there four of you?

- Uh, no, not recently.
- No.

No, at the car wash,
there were four of you.

No. Oh, you mean the guy
that was holding the card.

- There was four.
- Yeah, he must have gone home.

- He must have gone home?
- Or anywhere.

You don't know
if he went home or not?

- Um, I just...
- He might have gone home,

to go get ready for something.
I don't know what.

Huh, all right.

I think we know what
happened to the sunblock.

We lied!
Yeah, we lied to you!

It's really good
tuna salad.

It's good?

- You want some, Haboos?
- No no no.

- Oh my God.
- Oh.

Tunafish on your lap.
What are you gonna do?

- I don't mind...
- I'm gonna get this drycleaned for you.

- I can't do that, Larry.
- I'm gonna get it drycleaned for you.

- No, I don't mind.
- Haboos...

I insist. I'm gonna
dryclean it for you.

Okay, Larry.

Eh, I'm so sorry.

Hey, I've got
a good joke.

An Arab, a Jew,
and an Asian fellow...

walk into a bar, okay?

I didn't tell the joke yet!
Wait till I tell the joke.

- I'm getting a corned beef on rye.
- Oh, yeah.

- A vino, a nice vino.
- Me too.

- Yeah.
- We'll have the same thing.

Say it again,
say it again!

So what's her name?

- Haboos.
- Hello, Haboos!

I mean, it's quite amazing
when you think about it.

- Nobody knows what she looks like okay?
- Yeah!

- Nobody.
- It's great.

Everybody's in
the same boat as you.

You have leveled
the playing field for me, Larry.

Nobody will ever know
what she looks like.

- Everybody's blind now.
- That's exactly what it is.

What an idea!
That's just great!

- Thank you.
- Just kind of fell in my lap.

Thank you.
Thank you...

- When can we do this?
- It just goes to show,

if you gotta pee,
knock on a door,

- you never know what could happen.
- I'm intrigued.

- Let's do it.
- By the way, I have to go with you,

- like as a chaperon thing.
- What?

Well, I'm sorry.
They require a chaperon.

- A chaperon.
- All right, so I'm gonna call her.

You know, there's
no downside here.

Really, there's none,
it's perfect.

It's perfect.
Call her up.

She's quite a Muslim.

Okay, tell me
when to stop.


Why do you
do it so fast?

- Well, actually you were too fast.
- Oh, I was too fast?

Maybe I'm just not stopping
where you want me to stop.

- No.
- Yeah.

- No, really, no.
- I think so.

I think I got
a little something here.

You're stopping
on the card...

you know where the card is,
and that's...

when I say stop,
that's the trick, right?

- No.
- Is that the trick?

No, it's not.
This is your card.

Okay, ahem.

You listen to me,

- I want that trick.
- No can do.

I apologize. I can't do anything.
You're not a magician.

- You're not a magician either, Stewart.
- Yeah, I am.

- No, you're not.
- Mmm-hmm.

'Cause you know one trick,
that makes you a magician?

That's not a magician.
One trick's not a magician.

Yeah, it is.

- You going trick or treating tonight?
- Mmm-hmm.

I'm taking half
that candy.

Don't say a word
to her.

You put it in the pantry,
I'll divide it up. Understand?


- Okay?
- Yeah.

Now listen, I've got some friends
coming over this weekend

to watch the ballgame,
so be nice to them.

- Capisce?
- Capisce.

- Larry?
- Coming, honey.

- Is that leather or pleather?
- Vinyl,

and it's hot as hell.
I'm sweating like a...

- Well, you look good.
- Lar...

- Look at this!
- Happy Halloween.

- What do you think?
- Oh my God.

- Huh, is this great?
- Doesn't she look great?

Look at Andy Divine
over here.

Yes, I am, Sheriff.

- Now you look hot.
- Thank you, Susie.

What are you wearing?
What is this, no costume?

- No.
- Okay, you know what?

- What?
- I want you to change your costume.

- What?
- I don't like that costume.

- Why?
- I have my reasons.

- You got another costume?
- That costume is gorgeous.

- You're wrong.
- Thank you.

I've spent an hour
getting ready for this.

I don't have
anything else to wear.

Not so.
Excuse me.

I've got just
the thing.

You have the figure for that...

- I have the figure for that also.
- In your dreams.

Haboos's burka.
Just back from the drycleaners.

You're going
as an Islamic fundamentalist.

It's hot in this thing.

What the fuck?!
Hey, Osama,

go back to your own
fucking country.

Okay, you ready?

Yeah, I'm a little nervous,
but let's give it a shot.

I'm a little concerned
about the weather.

I got an umbrella.
It's all right.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Just be casual.

- Hello.
- Haboos, hello.

- Larry.
- Hi.

- Michael?
- This is Michael.

- I am indeed.
- You're beautiful.

- Oh...
- Look at this man.

- He's like your brother.
- He's a bald brother.

- I don't believe this.
- I've heard so much about you.

Larry has just sort of
praised you to the skies.

I've been raving.

Oh, well, I have
so few dates,

and tonight I have a date
with two handsome men.

Look, I got your

Oh, Larry, you remembered.
Thank you so much.

Fixed your cloak.
I got the stains out of the cloak...

Thank you so much,
Larry. Thank you.

- and your hood and the whole outfit.
- I like the way she talks.

It's kind of
a sexy thing.

Did I tell you?
Did I tell you?

This is wonderful.

So what shall we do?
What shall we do?

Oh, Jeez, um,
whatever you like, Haboos.

What about a walk

or something, uh,
romantic, uh...

You got the drizzles.
It's drizzling. I don't know.

- Yeah, I think it's about to come down.
- I don't mind.

- You don't mind.
- You got a hood on. What do you care?

You know what?
I got an umbrella. We can take a walk.

It's like daredevil.
You're like daredevil.

Can't get this thing...


- My veil!
- Ugh!

Not so hot, huh?

No, not so hot.

Well, ahem...

- thanks for trying.
- Yeah.

Please shuffle
the deck.

Thank you.

this should be
your card.

Yeah, you peeked.

You bent it so
you could peek at it.

You looked at it
from behind.

How'd you know?

Anyone can
figure that out.

- Where's Larry?
- I don't know.

The game's
about to start.

Well, he's probably
in the bathroom.

Larry David.

Why don't you
close the door?

Well, we have some time
before the show.

I'd like to give you
your 10th-anniversary present.

- What are you doing?
- Who invited you?

- Get the hell out of here.
- Look at you! You are sick!

I want the other one.
Get out!

I'm the only one
here, baby.

And now for the rest
of your life,

you sick four-eyed
pervert fuck,

you're gonna be

about me
in this outfit.