Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - Ben's Birthday Party - full transcript

Mel Brooks taps Ben Stiller to be Larry's co-star in The Producers. But when Larry accidentally punctures Ben Stiller in the eye during a birthday party game gone wrong, Ben drops out of the production.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Thank God
you stopped.

Okay, um, I'm not
even gonna get

into what's wrong
with the actual choreography.

I'm gonna start
with your shoes, okay?

I told you to get
Capezio jazz oxfords.

I will get
those shoes today.

You'll get the shoes,
but you'll also get the steps.

So we'll break it
down one more time,

and just watch
only my feet.

I've been doing this
since I was seven.

My sounds are
a little off

'cause I don't really
practice that much.

Uh, you know what? I can do that,
but not the way you're doing it.

I can go...

Why can't I
just do that?

Because that's not
the choreography!

- There you go.
- Okay, I'm gonna think about this.

You move your feet. Nobody knows
what the hell's is going on down there.

- Dancers know, dance aficionados...
- Just dancers.

- Hello? Morning, everybody.
- Hey.

I'm Michael.

Yeah, Larry.


- Nice to meet you.
- You know what?

I helped you move
three years ago.

Me and Richard Lewis.

You were standing
on the street.

You were soliciting
people for help.

Ah? Ah?

- You?
- That was me, me and Richard Lewis.

- I'm seeing him for lunch later.
- Larry!

- Larry! Larry.
- Oh my God!

That's amazing.

- What are you doing here?
- Small world...

- I'm the rehearsal pianist.
- Get out!

- Yeah.
- You're kidding?

- We'll be working together for a while.
- Fantastic.

This is my
girlfriend Rhonda.

- Hello.
- Hi, Larry. Nice to meet you.

Can you believe it?

I hooked up
with a model.

Boy, you lucked out.

- Hey. Morning.
- Hey!

How's it going?

- Ben, this is our... new pianist.
- Hi.

- Michael. Ben Stiller.
- How do you do?

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, Michael.

This is my
girlfriend Rhonda.

- Hi.
- Hi, Ben.

nice to meet you.

Hands off.
She's taken.

Hey, listen, I'm having
a birthday party on Saturday night.

You guys are all
invited to come, all right?

- Fantastic.
- My birthday was two weeks ago,

but we're having
the party this Saturday.

Thank you,
I'd love to come.

Yeah, and no gifts,
okay? No gifts.

How come you're having a party
on Saturday if it was two weeks ago?

Christine was out of town,
we couldn't get it together

- and it worked out this Saturday.
- Why even have it all?

Why not just forget it,
wait till next year?

- You blew it.
- Yeah, I know.

I wish we could've
done it last week,

but we couldn't
get it together.

You should bring Cheryl.
It'll be fun.

Kind of reminds me
a little of like President's Day.

It's not really
the President's birthday.

It's some other day.
What am I doing? You know...


We're back.

Let's start
at the top of the scene.

It's a total scam.
He introduced her as a model.

She's like completely bullshitting
this guy 'cause he's blind.

- By the way...
- Yeah.

Thank you for coming
to meet Kim.

I might've mentioned Kenny.
He's old my friend in New York.

She just moved out here from the city.
This is his first daughter,

and she calls me
like Uncle Richard.

- I've known her since she was born.
- Really?

That's fun,
"Uncle Richard."

Yeah, but the problem is
she's an actress, a singer, talented

but she wants to get
her breasts enlarged,

and it's gonna drive
Kenny crazy...

- He doesn't know about it?
- No.

- He's my old friend.
- Right.

I need you to help
to talk her out of it.

Just like a breast

How am I supposed
to bring this up?

That's okay.
I'll think of something.

You always think of something.
I don't know.

Is everything else
good in your life?

- Be honest with me.
- Hmm?

For the first time in over
a quarter of a century,

tell me something
that's really bugging you.

I have nothing
to confide.

You have experienced
a lot you have not shared.

You've mentioned this
to me that I don't confide in you,

- and there's nothing to confide.
- You haven't confided in me

- in your entire life.
- How could you say...

- Hey!
- Hi!

- Hey.
- Uncle Richard!

Look at you from top to bottom.
What a doll, huh?

- Oh, baby.
- Hi.

This is my
fake niece Kim.

Larry David.
Larry, Kim.

- It is so nice to meet you.
- Hi.

I did sort of
a half get-up there.

- For my niece, fake niece...
- I should've done a full stand.

I think a full
get-up would've...

It's the thought
that counts. Listen,

I hope...
it's kind of weird,

but I'd really love for you to take
a look at my reel if you wouldn't mind.

You know, I mean,
I could take a look at it.

I'm not really...
I'm not doing TV right now.

- That's fine, it's fine.
- How you doing?

I'm doing really well.
Thank you. How are you?

- You look fabulous by the way.
- Oh, why thank you.

So Anna Nicole Smith,
she's got uh...

some pair of knockers
on her, huh?

They're not real though,
are they?


- Whoa.
- Hey.

What's all... what's all that?
Look at all his gifts.

I thought you said we weren't
supposed to bring a present.

He said no gifts.
I don't get it.

- Hello. Hi, guys.
- Hey!

Let me ask you something.
Did you bring a gift?

- Of course.
- Yeah.

- See...
- He said no gifts.

Nobody means that.
You took that seriously?

- Of course I did. Look at all these.
- I know.

Oh, what do you got there, chicken?
Oh yeah, thank you.

- No, I'm fine, thank you.
- No, thank you.

- You brought something, right?
- No, I didn't bring anything.

He said no gifts,
so I didn't bring anything.

- You're the only one.
- You guys are making me look bad.

- Happy birthday!
- Hey, thank you.

- Hey, happy birthday!
- Thanks for making it, yeah.

- So it's the two of you, huh?
- Mm-hmm, yeah.

Exciting, that's great.

- Up on the boards together.
- Yeah.

- Figuring it out.
- It's going great?

It's going,
it's going.

- I think it's going pretty good.
- Yeah, it's going okay.

What should I do
with this thing?

I think a woman
will come around.

You can put it
on a table.

Every time I get one of these,
I wind up holding it the whole night.

It's a lot of dancing
you guys have to do.

- Oh, man, it is.
- I can see when Larry comes home...

Is he exhausted
when he comes home?

- I'm so sore.
- Not really. I'm not tired.

You gotta work on it
when you're not there.

You gotta do off-hours work,

so you're prepared
when you come into rehearsals.

It's not that I'm not
working as hard,

but it looks more
effortless maybe.

- It does look like less effort.
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, it looks...
less effort, effortless.

Yeah, like an idiot
holding the skewer.

- What the hell do I do with this thing?
- We're gonna mingle.

No, you should mingle.
It's your birthday.

It's your party.
Mingle if you want to.

If you see a skewer guy
will you send him over?

- Throw it down. It's fine.
- Yeah, relax. Larry, relax.

- Okay.
- Bye, guys.


Did you tell Lar
about my new thing?

No, I actually didn't. Why don't you
tell Larry about your new thing?

- What are you doing?
- I'm designing these shirts now

- that are selling like hotcakes.
- Are you kidding?

- Interesting, whimsical. I'm telling...
- Good for her.

I got them in the trunk.
Wanna see them?

- Not right now, but I'll see them.
- You will, you will.

I wanna say hello
to Michael,

the piano player
from the show?

He can't
see my clothes?

- Hello.
- Larry?

Get out of here!
How did you know that?

- Aw, come on.
- I was doing a character!

Yeah, well,
I saw through it.

Listen, what are you
doing next week?

Tuesday night I'm doing a set
at The Mint. Can you come?

You'll enjoy it.
Show tunes.

Tuesday I think
I have a clan meeting.

- I don't know if I'm gonna make it.
- Thanks.

- Hey, where's Rhonda?
- She's parking the car.

- Hey, listen, let me ask you something.
- Sure.

Don't you think
she's beautiful?


- Eh?
- Eh.

You don't think
she's beautiful, Larry?

I don't say beautiful.
She's nice.


She told you
she was a model?

I don't wanna
talk about it.

What's the difference?
You can't see her anyway.

- What?
- That's one of the advantages, right?

- That and the good hearing.
- Good hearing?

What is that,
a myth?

I though blind people
had better hearing.

I don't know.
I've never had it tested.

- I thought you hear like a dog.
- Hey, Larry.

What's going on?

The thing that's
so great about these shirts

is that I've got
the business from the house

and I can take care
of the baby.

- Fantastic.
- I know.

Wait till you see them.
You are gonna die.


Now, is this cute?

I mean, how much fun
is this, huh?

- Great, right?
- You know, nice.

- Yeah.
- Not quite my cup of tea,

but, you know,
it's nice.

All right,
you know what?

- Fuck you and fuck your tea.
- What?

Whoever said
you had taste,

Mr. Hushpuppy-
rumpled-suit look?

It's nice. You know,
we all can't like the same things.

When I showed them to Ben Stiller,
he happened to love them.

- Right, honey?
- He went nuts for them.

I have to be honest with you.

- Ben liked that?
- Yeah, he has taste.

All right, I'm sorry.
I think it's nice. It's just not...

Stop right now.

I'm gonna get
something out of the car.

I'll be right up.

- You know, they're...
- Agh!

That's the next
six months of our lives.

- Oh, man.
- Yeah, I know.

This is the woman
from the show, right?

She's coming
to Broadway with us?

Yeah, she plays Ulla here, and she's
going with the New York Company.

- What's her real name?
- Cady Huffman.

- You wanna meet her?
- I don't have to...

- Come on.
- You know her?

Yeah. Come on.
Yeah. She's nice.

- Hey, Cady.
- Hi, Ben.

How are you?

- I'm good.
- Happy birthday.

- Thank you. This is Larry David.
- Hey, Larry David.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you, thank you.

- That's gonna be fun.
- Yeah.

- The three of us.
- Yeah.

- I'm gonna go pee.
- Oh, okay.

- You know where it is?
- I do.

- He's great, isn't he?
- Yeah, yeah.

It's not really...

it's not really his birthday
though, I have to say.

It was a couple
weeks ago.

You shouldn't be
having a birthday party

two weeks after
your birthday.

I mean, what's the statute
of limitations there?

Why don't I have my birthday?
My birthday was two months ago.

- I think I'll have a birthday party.
- Okay.

Okay, three days.
No more than that, though.

It's not your
birthday anymore.

There's gotta be a time,
a cut-off point

where you can't
have birthday parties.

Are you so desperate
for a party

that you have to have
a party two weeks after?

Wait till next year!
You missed it!

So, boo-hoo,
you missed the party.

What is this?
I've got...

I'm walking around
with this skewer all night now.

You can't get rid
of these things, you know?

I don't like a kebab. I don't know
what your feelings are about a kebab,

- but I'm not a kebab guy.
- Mm.

And then, you got this stick.
What do you do?

You put it
in your pocket?

Stick yourself
in the scrotum?

Then what
do you got?

Scrotum kebab.

- You know?
- Good to meet you, Larry.

- Good to meet you.
- Yeah.

- My dog has fleas?
- No!

"The garden has trees"
is what I said, Sammi.

- What are you playing? Telephone?
- Yeah yeah, telephone.

Maybe I'll join in.

Well, I don't see
any space, Larry.

You can
take my spot.

Oh, I wouldn't
take your seat.

No, go ahead
and play.

Oh my God. What a...
what a lovely, lovely child.

Very nice of you,
Alexandra. Okay.

Let's play
a little telephone.

You got one, honey?


I love tits?

- This is funny to you?
- He said it!

It's funny to say that
in a room full of children?

- What's the matter with you?
- That's what he said to me!

- Dalton, what did you say to him?
- I love pigs.

- I love pigs.
- No, you didn't say that.

- What did you say?
- I love pigs.

- I love pigs, Larry.
- No...

Your sick, perverse mind
twisted it around!

It's not funny!
These are kids in here!

He-he-he... well, what did...
no, you said...

No, he didn't.

Okay, he did
not say it.

We're gonna go sing
"Happy Birthday." Come on.

Tell them
what you said!

You know you
didn't say that.

- What did you say to me?!
- I love pigs.

- No, you didn't say that.
- So wrong, so wrong.

# Happy birthday to you #

# Happy birthday to you #

# Happy birthday,
dear Ben #

# Happy birthday to you. #


- Why didn't you sing?
- Huh?

- Why weren't you singing?
- I hate the song. I don't sing that.

Hey, Jeff. Come here, I wanna
show you something.

- I got this golf tip the other day.
- Really?

Yeah, it's like
for the backswing.

- Okay, show me.
- It's really working.

Um, all right, here's...
this is my golf club.

- Beautiful golf club.
- Watch this, okay.

Let's say that's
the ball, okay?

You wanna take the club
and give it back to the catcher.

- Right.
- Give it to the catcher.

- Here watch this.
- Ow!


Jesus! Fuck!


- I can't see.
- What did you do?

God! Honey...


You guys see how much easier
it is with the right shoes?

Okay, and here's
the other thing.

That's the rehearsal
tempo, all right?

That's the way I taught it to you
to break it down.

But it's more like this,
all right?

Got it?


You're behind.
Keep it small. Keep it small.

- Keep your weight over the center of...
- That's too fast.

- I can't do it at that tempo.
- That's the tempo it is in the show!

Um, can we
take a five?

Five minutes, everyone.
Five minutes.

Use your time wisely.

That's bullshit. That's not
the tempo. Get out of here.

- I think it is.
- What?

- Pretty much.
- Pff.

Well, I don't know how any human
could dance to that tempo.

- You'd have to be Flash.
- Who?

Forget it.
It's a comic book character.

Wore the red costume.
The guy in the red costume.

- I don't even know what red is.
- Hmm.

It's hard to talk to a blind guy.
You have no references.

I don't know comics,

What's with you?

Oh, Rhonda and I kept
fighting all night.

She keeps insisting that she's not
misrepresenting herself.

Oh, really? I'd like to tell my wife
I look like Brad Pitt,

but unfortunately
she can see. You dig?

- You know what I'm saying?
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, Ben, you're here.

Hey, Steve.
How you doing?

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh my gosh.

I'm so sorry, man.
So sorry.

It's that skewer,
that fucking skewer.

- Remember I mentioned it?
- Mm-hmm.

- I couldn't get rid of it.
- I got a scratched retina.

- Oh my God.
- Yeah.

I guess that's why you were
so preoccupied with that...

why you couldn't
sing "Happy Birthday."

Ben, I never sing
"Happy Birthday."

I feel uncomfortable,
self-conscious singing it.

# Happy birthday
to you... #

- You know, # Happy birth... #
- Stupid, stupid song.

- It's a stupid song.
- Right. And thanks for no gift, too.

I seem to recall somebody
inviting me to a birthday party...

and saying, "No gifts."

Come on, everybody knows
that's bullshit.

- Bullshit?
- Yeah.

- How's that bullshit?
- You say no gift, you bring a gift.

- Why'd you even say it?
- I'm just saying this as a friend.

You really have
a little ways to go

- when it comes to dealing with people.
- How so?

You don't even shake my hand
the first time I see you.

You had snot on your hand.
You'd just sneezed.

That was a dry sneeze,

- It wasn't a sneeze.
- I can't assume dry!

- I gotta assume wet!
- It's air coming out.

I won't put out my hand
if it's full of snot!

I didn't know it was air.
I thought I saw speckles flying.

I would assume you would
know me enough to know

I won't give you
a handful of snot!

Sometimes you don't know
snot speckles are coming out!

I saw snot
speckles flying!

- Guys, we need to start.
- Yeah, please.

Top of the page,
page 31.

- Hi, Larry.
- Hey, Kim.

- How are you?
- Good.

Listen, I'm sorry
I didn't call,

but I was in the neighborhood
and I wanted to bring by my headshot

and my reel and stuff like that.
There you go.

- Come on in.
- Oh, thanks.

Wow, you have a really
beautiful house.

- Yeah, we just moved in.
- Did you?

- Ssecond time we've moved in two years.
- That's a nightmare.

Yeah, we had to move.
We had a film crew on our block and...

Oh, what a drag.

Listen, I've got a book
I want to give to Richard.

- So wait here, I'll go...
- Sure sure, whoa whoa.

Are you kidding me? You don't
notice anything different about me?

- # Da da da da da da. #
- Oh boy, oh boy.

- That's it?
- That's it.

- It's all done already?
- It's all done.

- Boy, that was fast.
- An hour. In and out. Done. Boobs.

Don't they look real?

Remember you said they wouldn't
look real? Do they not look real?

You want to see them?
Check them out. Look.

They're good, right?

Feel them. They feel
totally natural.

- I'm sure.
- Don't be so uptight.

Feel 'em.
Check 'em out.

They feel good,

Squeeze them.
Give them a little...

Come on.

She just... you know,
she grabbed my hands

- and she just put them over there!
- Oh, really?

Well, guess what?
Happy anniversary.

Because that was your
10th anniversary gift right there.

- Okay, oh, no no.
- Yes yes.

You can't do that.
That wasn't sex.

You just had sex!
Touching a breast is sex!

- It wasn't a real breast!
- Oh, really?

It was like putting my hand on her head.
It was nothing.

Then why didn't you put
your hand on her head?

'Cause she didn't put my hand
on her head. She put it over here.

I like that you can't
control your own hands.

She took my hands
and went like that.

I saw it. I saw it, Larry.
That's it.

- No, don't.
- Why am I even talking to you?

- Look, okay, let...
- Ugh! A titmouse!

- What?
- I just saw a titmouse.

- A titmouse?
- A mouse.

- Titmouse, mouse.
- Why do you call it a titmouse?

- That's what you call it. Same thing.
- Who calls it that?

A lot of people
call it that.

- Oh my God.
- What?

You are obsessed
with tits.

You're feeling up
somebody's tits!

- You're talking to kids about tits!
- Talking to kids?

The kid said, "I love tits."
That's what he said to me.

Why are you talking
to little boys about tits?

He whispered it to me!
It was part of the game!

Have you ever played
telephone before?

You don't know how
to play telephone, do you?

- I know how to play telephone.
- Do you?

Yeah, but I play
the G-version.

It's usually something like,
"Susie lives down the lane."

The kid didn't say,
"Susie lives down the lane."

He said,
"I love tits."

Oh my God.

I'll be right over.
All right, sit tight.

What did you do?
I don't understand.

- Why did you break up with her?
- I need to be

with a good-
looking woman.

And since you were kind enough
to point that out to me, she had to go.

You need to be with a good-looking
woman? Who do you think you are?

Look, that doesn't matter.
I need some assistance.

She was indispensable.

Don't you have
any friends?

Yes, I have friends, but I'm not
gonna impose on them.

I think you
should help me.

You're the one who
got me into this mess.

I need a little help.

Thanks a lot, Larry.

Just grab it this way.
You don't have to get in between.

We're not a gay couple.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- What's doing?
- Nothing.


I actually wanna buy
one of those shirts.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, you know, the stud sweatshirts?

- Yeah, those are great.
- I need to buy one for Ben

'cause Susie said
he liked it, right?

- How's Ben doing?
- The eye is okay.

The eye is not
the problem.

The problem was
that I didn't sing "Happy Birthday."

- He's mad at you for that?
- I don't sing that song.

I never see you sing
the "Happy Birthday" song.

- It's a stupid song. I don't like it.
- You're entitled.

I was right about
those sticks, though.

I looked around
at that party at one point.

I saw five people holding sticks.
I did. I was checking.

- Can't just lay it down on a table?
- It's gross.

You can't put that
down on a table.

You have to wait for
a server to come by.

- Do me a favor.
- Yeah.

Get the shirt.

Do not say it's for Ben.
Say it's for you.

She's all pissed off
about the other night.

Fine, yeah, okay.


What the fuck
do you want, Larry?

Well, you know what?
I would love

to buy one
of those shirts.

- Oh yeah, right.
- No, seriously.

It's like you go to a movie
and it kind of stays with you.

A good movie.
You know what I mean?

And so,
I don't know,

I feel I'm..."Why am I
thinking about the shirt?"

- I want the shirt.
- Really?

- Yes.
- They're great shirts.

I know they're
great shirts.

You know they're
great shirts.

Because the shirt
was talking to me,

and I need a little more flair.
I don't have any flair.

That is true.
I have them in the trunk.

- Really?
- Yeah.

We'll pick out a color.
Lar, it's like

- you're making me very happy now.
- Well.

Okay, I think the red
would look good on you

'cause you're kind of
pale and pasty,

and this is a great color,
the red. It's fun.

Why are you saying
pale and pasty?

Well, you are. You're not one
from the sunshine.

I play golf.
I'm out. I get sun.

All right, Larry,
I just think the red is a good color.

I have blue,
I have green...

- I'll take the red.
- The red is good for you.

- I look at them...
- Indiana.

You know, I had a friend
whose sister went there years ago.

- So there you go. It's perfect.
- Okay.

I don't think
I have a bag.

- Let me go in the house.
- I don't need a bag.

- I'll just take it.
- All right, fine. You made me happy.

- What is it, 60 bucks?
- It's 100 bucks. What are you, crazy?

No, you know, Lar?
Me to you.

- Get out of here.
- No, I will not take your money.

Your money's
no good here, darling.

- All is forgiven, honey.
- All right.

# Da dum da da
da da da da da. #

- Perfect.
- Great.

You get everything
the first time.

No no no, I've been drilling
that thing for two hours.

Well, see, you do your homework,
which is good.

Right there.
Turn around.

- Hey.
- Hey! Straight.

- I've got it.
- How are you doing?

Listen, I wanna
say something.

Happy birthday!

This is ridiculous.
You don't have to do that, Larry.

- I know, but I wanted to.
- I'm sorry.

Let me just say,
I'm sorry. Really, no no no.

I've been like
stressed out of my mind.

Listen, I stabbed you
in the eye, man.

No, I've been crazed
about this thing,

and getting into your space,
and I shouldn't.

You're doing
what you're doing.

We're gonna make it work,
and I'm sorry, okay?

- Well, I'm sorry too.
- Okay, well, let's be friends, okay?

All right? And you didn't
have to get me a gift.

I'm sorry.

- What is this?
- Open it up!

Oh, you got me
a gift.

- I knew you liked it.
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's one
of those...

- it's a sweatshirt with studs on it.
- Yeah.

These are the ones that Susie...

I know. She told me
how much you liked them.

- I love these.
- She said you flipped out over them.

So I thought, you know...
I thought it was like a perfect gift.

Like a fun sweatshirt.

- Well, happy birthday.
- Thank you, thank you.

- All right.
- Okay.

- All right.
- All right. High five.

Oh yeah, sorry.

Okay, guys, Let's get started.
Top of scene three.

- All right.
- Better get a script.

Not off book
yet, huh?

Not on this scene.
Not on this scene.

Larry, you enter
from stage left.

Is that my left,

or "if I'm sitting
in the audience" my left?

- Which...
- It's your left right now.

Okay, so that way.

I always get those mixed up.
That's very hard.

Leo! Leo!

# Everything
has its season #

# Everything
has its time #

# Show me a reason #

# And I'll soon
show you a rhyme #

# Cats fit on
the windowsill #

# Children
fit in the snow #

# Why do I feel
I don't fit in #

# Anywhere I go? #

# Rivers belong
where they can ramble #

# Eagles belong #

# Where they can fly #

# I've got to be #

# Where my spirit
can run free #

# Gotta find my corner #

# Now's our inning #

# Stand the world
on its ear #

# Set it spinning #

# That'll be just
the beginning #

# Turn it up
like the lights #

- # We've got nothing to hit... #
- Okay, let's go.

Come on, right
after this song.

Oh my gosh,
I can't take anymore.

- Come on, it's "Gypsy."
- I'll be outside.

# Just you wait #

# That lucky star
I talk about is due... #

# Due #

# Honey, everything's #

- # Coming up roses #
- # Roses #

# For me and for you. #

Thank you.
Thank you very much.