Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Mel's Offer - full transcript

Mel Brooks sees Larry performing some karaoke at a bar one night and is quickly impressed with his singing abilities. He then invites Larry to audition to star in a Broadway production of "...

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
Pasta, if you like,
uh, very good.

What?
Because of what?

- Eh?
- What?

What's the sauce
with the fish?

What, what fish?
He didn't even mention the fish.

- There was no fish.
- Was fish the second thing?

I'll just have the...

I'll just have
the first thing.

- Okay, and I'll have the second thing.
- Grazie.

They should write the thing down.
I don't know what he's talking about.

I've no idea
what we just ordered.



So guess what's coming up

in a few months?

I'm sure it's been on your mind.
Our anniversary.

- 10 years.
- 10-year anniversary.

Boy, they just flew
right by, didn't they?

So, listen, I know
what I want.

I would like...
and just keep an open mind.

- So remember our...
- Is it ever closed?

- Hmm-mm.
- Has it ever been closed to anything?

Okay.

Um...

I would like
for us to renew our vows

and have a real
wedding ceremony.

You got it.



- Yeah.
- Are you serious?

- Nothing big, small.
- Okay, no no, yeah.

- Friends, family that kind of thing.
- Right.

Oh my gosh, I can't believe
you just said yes to that.

I'll tell you what,
you just built it all up.

I did. I didn't know how I was
gonna bring it up, but thank you.

- You thought it was gonna be a fight.
- Yeah yeah.

Now let's talk about
my 10th anniversary present.

All right.
What would you like?

I believe my present
has already been agreed upon.

- Really?
- Yes.

- It's not ringing a bell?
- What are you talking about?

- We already talked about it?
- Here, at this restaurant.

- Really?
- 10 years ago, before we got married.

In these seats.
Same seats.

I feel like we're
married already.

We're just making it legal.
It's just gonna be, you know, permanent

And...

My friends think I'm crazy,
but I do. I just...

Wait a minute. They think
you're crazy? How dare they?

Well, that's what I say.

Which friends
think you're crazy?

I don't want to name names,
but look it's working, right?

Who, Julie? She thinks...
she thinks you're crazy?

I just think that we should
be a family, you know?

We should share the same last name.
I want to be Cheryl David.

- What do you want to be a David for?
- I want to be your wife...

Davids want to be
out of being Davids.

I don't want to be a David,
I have to be a David.

But if you don't have to be
a David, why be a David?

I feel like I have to be
a David.

Is it... are you worried
about not being able to have sex

with someone else for the rest
of your life? Is that what?

- Where did you get that? No.
- Because you know what?

Okay okay.

How about if we get married now...
like, right now...

for our 10-year anniversary,
you can have sex with someone else?

What?!

If that's
your hold up here,

then let's just do that.

Come on, you're not
gonna let me do that.

- What are you saying that for?
- I will.

Just sex one time.

It's not a big deal.

- Oh, right!
- Aha-aah.

- Right.
- Aah.

- I can't believe you remember that.
- Yes, I did remember.

Wow, you have
a good memory.

For some things.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, for some things.

All right, well,
all right.

Then I said you could
have sex with somebody

and you should do that.
It's our 10th anniversary.

- You should do it.
- I'm joking. I'm not gonna do it.

- I'm not gonna hold you up to it.
- No, you should.

I said it 10 years ago.

You should go out and
have sex with someone.

- No no, it's nice, but...
- No no no no.

thank you. That's sweet
that you wanted... you know.

- I'm insisting on it.
- You want to keep your word.

No, because if you think
you can have sex with somebody else,

then you should do that.

What does that mean?

You're gonna go up and...

"Hey, lady.
I'm Larry David

And my wife said I could have sex
with somebody tonight."

- First of all, I'm insulted, okay?
- You are?

Even if I wanted to,
you don't think I'm capable of it.

No, I don't think
you're capable of it.

I really don't.

That's why I think
you, um...

- So if I do this...
- Hmm-mm.

Just so there's no
misunderstanding here,

- it's okay with you?
- Hmm-mm.

If you find somebody
and say, "hey"...

- I don't want to hear any crying.
- No.

...and say, "I can't
believe you did that.

- Why did you do that?" Huh?
- No, I would not be crying.

Oh boy, all right.
Well, thank you.

- Thank you for my anniversary present.
- You're welcome.

How long do I have
to do this?

You have until our anniversary
and that's it.

Good luck.

I just hope Jeff is gonna
be at that karaoke party

Because I have got a lot to say
to that young man.

Listen, maybe we should skip
the karaoke party.

Why do you want
to skip karaoke?

- Oh, it's horrible. Why don't we just... -
Horrible?

Listen, why don't we
go home and I'll...

I'll make it
worth your while.

I kind of wanna
go to karaoke.

Oh my god.

# Just in time #

# Found you
just in time #

# Before you came,
my time... #

Do you know married men
everywhere,

that's their dream that their wife
says, "Yeah, go ahead."

What's Mel doing here?

Frank's been in,
like, two of his movies.

- You didn't know that?
- Oh...

They're old friends.

#... My bridges
all were crossed #

# Nowhere to go... #

This is great! You got permission.
Come on, man.

She actually
challenged me to do it.

- Damn it, man, do it!
- She was laughing at me.

You've got to, man.

Whom I am supposed
to do this with?

I don't know, there's got to be
somebody you thought about.

That doesn't mean I could walk up
to them and do anything.

But now you've
got permission.

This is the thing that
I'm the worst at in the world, this.

This and drawing.

It's a big thing to do.
How could I do that?

Do you think
I could do it?

- Yeah, huh? What about it?
- Yeah, go, Daddy-o, go.

- Practice. It's a start, go.
- Okay, fine. Yeah.

You want to see how
inept I really am, huh?

- I want to see you in action.
- Do you want to see this?

Just go. Yeah, go make a move.
Show me. Just practice.

I'll watch.
Go ahead.

#... Hey, now
you're here #

# And now I know just
where I'm going... #

- Do you like karaoke?
- Yeah.

It's good, you know.
Something to do at night.

What can you do at night?
Bowling, movies.

It's like a third thing to do
after bowling and the movies.

I don't know if you bowl.
I don't go that often,

But it's fun, it's fun. You can't
find a ball, that's the problem.

I don't know, maybe you own
a bowling ball. I don't own one.

My whole life, every time
I'm in a bowling alley

Sticking my fingers in all these holes,
picking up the balls.

You gotta get your own ball.
I don't bowl enough to get my own ball.

It takes up a lot
of space in the house.

You keep looking at it
in the closet going,

"What I am doing with a bowling ball?
I don't even bowl."

You know what I mean?

So you don't want
to get rid of the ball.

How do you get rid of a bowling ball?
Think about that.

Who do you give a bowling ball to?
Nobody bowls.

The thing,
it only fits your fingers.

You throw a bowling ball
in the garbage can,

you know what that
sanitation man's gonna do?

He's gonna knock on your door,
that's how upset he's gonna be.

He's gonna say, "Who the fuck
threw a bowling ball in the garbage?

Okay, all right.

I'm around town.

#... Then you changed
my lonely life... #

How did it go?

#... That lucky day #

# Hey, my lonely,
lonely life #

# That lucky day. #

Thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Come on, everybody.
Put it together! Mel Brooks.

How about that?

That was fantastic.

All right, now, who wants to go next?
Anyone?

- Look, hey, Larry David.
- Oh, come on.

What do you say, Larry?

- Come up and give us a song?
- Oh come on.

- Come on, Lar.
- You gotta be kidding.

- Come on.
- Are you crazy?

Oh, would you stop?
Oh, you people...

Oh, me? No.
I can't do it.

All right.

Oh, shut up!

All right,
all right.

# I've been away
from you a long time #

# I never thought
I'd miss you so #

# Somehow I feel
your love is real #

# Swanee, you're calling me
you crazy river #

# Swanee #

# How I love you,
how I love you #

# My dear old Swanee... #

So what do you think
Mel Brooks wants?

I have no idea.
Usually I know.

- He called out of the clear blue sky?
- Out of the clear blue sky.

He's one of my idols,
you know?

I know he is.
That's why I was excited for you.

- Hey!
- I'll call... I'll call you back.

- What the hell are you doing?
- What the fuck are you doing?

What am I doing?
What are you doing?

What the fuck?
I'm trying to walk.

While you're talking
on a cell phone?

You almost killed me,
douche bag!

You cut right in front of me
talking on the phone?

There's a law against
talking on a cell phone?

No, you can't, not while you're wheeling
around. You almost hit my car.

I'm trying to get
to my car, you fuckin'...

Learn how to drive
that thing.

- Piss off, you douche bag. You pussy.
- Asshole!

Piss off!

Hey,

- Look at this.
- Yeah?

Wow, there's
money in here.

Larry David,
Jeff Greene to see Mel.

He'll be with you in a second.
Have a seat.

You know what?
I found this thing in the lobby.

Oh.

I don't know
what the deal is.

Uh, actually this
belongs to Dennis.

He does the computers
in the building.

It probably fell out
of his chair this morning.

- Chair?
- Yeah, he's in a wheelchair.

I'll bet that's the guy.
You know that?

A guy in a wheelchair cut right in front
of my car in the parking lot.

I almost hit him.

The guy was talking
on his cell phone.

Yeah, well, he's in a...
he's in a wheelchair.

Yeah, I know.
It's a moving vehicle.

There's got to be some kind
of regulations I would think,

- even for people in electric chairs.
- Hmm-mm.

He's motoring along.

You don't need to be talking
on a cell phone. It's dangerous.

Mel will be right out.

- "Names 4 Babies"? Is that you?
- Yes.

Yes, actually my partner and I
are adopting a baby.

You got yourself
a partner.

- I got a wife.
- Hmm.

Not exactly a partner.
More like... a rival.

You know what I mean?
It's a rivalry.

I wish I could say
this is my partner.

So let me ask you, you got any...
you got any names picked out?

Uh, actually we do.

- Is it a boy? What are you adopting?
- It's a boy,

And we are adopting him
from China.

- Ah, adopting from China.
- Hmm-mm.

Chinese names.
Do I know any Chinese names?

Well you got, uh...

you got Wang from the Good Earth.
Remember Wang Lung?

Wang isn't a bad
first name. Wang?

Then you got
the whole Ang family.

Fang, Bang... Tang.

Tang is not actually
a bad name,

'cause it's like China
but it's... it's not China.

It's a juice
is what it is.

Tang...

Is that so bad naming
a kid after a juice?

Maybe that's not so bad.

But it has Chinese
overtones... Tang.

- But yet there's a...
- Tang...

- You got a little jolt with it.
- Hmm-mm, yeah.

I don't think that would go over
too well with the schoolkids.

Uh, that's gonna be the least
of his problems, no?

Mel will be
right with you.

You know what?
I'm gonna run to the bathroom.

I'll be right back.

Oh my God, what...

Larry! Larry David.

Oh my God!

Ooh, did I hurt you?
I'm so sorry.

- Is it bad? Is it bad?
- No, it'll be all right.

- Is it bad?
- No, let me get some help.

- Is it bad?
- Don't move. Don't move.

Oh, my God... hurry up.

Hi. Jeff Greene. I'm a patient
of Dr. Morrison's.

- I called about Larry David.
- Oh yeah.

Just sign in and the doctor
will be with you in a minute.

Oh.

Do I actually have to put my name
on this thing?

Yes. Yeah.

I generally don't like
to put my name on these lists.

- People come in, they see your name.
- Just... just sign in.

Just sign in.

I don't like having
my name on these lists.

Then sign Ben Vereen.
Who cares what you sign? Come on.

Your head's bleeding.
Just sign in!

Yes.

- Hello?
- Dude.

- What are you doing?
- What?

What are you calling me
on the doctor's phone for-

I'm bored to death in here.

Don't use the doctor's phone.
That's not right.

- What's the big deal?
- They don't like it.

Well, I just thought
I'd give you a call,

See what's up, how you're doing.
What are you reading?

- "Men's Fest... Fitness."
- "Men's Fitness"?

Yeah, about
America's fattest cities.

Oh, you know what?
There's the doctor.

All right, I'll talk
to you later.

I will, uh,
I'll talk to you later.

That was Jeff.

You're not supposed
to use that phone.

Sorry.
It was a local call.

You're not supposed
to use the phone.

It doesn't matter whether it was
a local or a long distance call.

We just don't want people
using that phone, okay?

- What's the big deal, if I may ask?
- It's no big deal.

What's the problem?

There is no problem. We just
don't want people using that phone.

I don't understand
why not, though.

Why couldn't I use it?

Well, you could use it.
You obviously did.

We don't want you
to use it, though.

With all due respect,
I don't understand the rule.

I don't see
what the big deal is.

The history of how
we arrived at that

Is so complex that I won't
even bore you with it.

Just let it be said
that we don't allow anyone

To use the phones
in the examination rooms.

I just don't see how
it's hurting anybody.

It's not
hurting anybody.

We just have a rule.
You don't use the doctor's phone.

I just don't understand
what the reason is.

You're saying not to use it,
but what's the reason?

I don't understand
why you have to know the reason.

I'm just trying to understand
why you decided that.

It seems very
capricious to me.

You know, it's hard
to make a rule

that takes in all
the contingencies.

So we just have a rule.
Don't use the phone.

- Okay.
- Okay?

- Understood.
- All right. Glad you understand it.

So what happened to you?
Let's have a look.

I got hit by a door.

Wow. Sit down,
will you?

Mel Brooks is coming
out of a bathroom

And he... a swinging
door hit me.

- Yeah, Mel Brooks, huh?
- Yeah.

- Is it the Mel Brooks? The funny guy?
- Uh-huh.

I like Mel Brooks. I'm a big fan.
Lay down, will you?

- Yeah, he's great.
- Put your head on the pillow.

I have tickets for his play
"The Producers."

- Oh really?
- Yeah.

- I hear it's great.
- So do I.

Boy this is a...
kind of a nasty cut.

All right, I think all we
have to do here is clean this up

and put in
a few stitches.

- Oh really?
- Hmm-mm.

Oh, okay.

Again I'm sorry about
the... the phone stuff.

Oh, it's okay.
Don't worry about it.

Just... if you're ever in a doctor's
office again, don't use the phone.

Yeah, it just seems
like an odd policy to me, though.

It's a rule that is universal
in examination rooms.

- You don't use the phone.
- The rule doesn't make any sense.

- It makes sense to us.
- Okay, fine.

We don't have many rules here.
That's one of them.

It seems odd, though,
that if you're making a local call

that anybody would care,
but whatever.

It's not the expense of the call
we're concerned about.

I don't know if you've ever had
stitches before,

but there is a slight
bit of pain involved.

Nothing more, I would say,
than a little prick.

Yeah, there's definitely
a prick involved.

Uh, yes, there is
a prick involved.

Yeah, there's
one prick involved.

Yeah, I'd say there is
one prick involved.

I agree. I'm not a doctor,
but I agree there is one prick.

Yep.

And the more I look at this,
I think this is pretty minor.

What the hell?

You drooled on me!

So have you thought about anybody
for the 10th anniversary present?

I have been
thinking about it.

And?

You know,
I got three months.

I'm gonna take my time

and wait... wait
for the right one.

And you, my fat friend,
will be the first to know.

All right, good.
I should be.

My big fat friend.

Hmm, fatso...
Yeah, fatso.

Oh, hey.

Did you get
your wallet?

- Yeah. How did you know about that?
- I found it.

- Wait. You're the guy from the car.
- Yeah.

Joanne gave it to me
in Mel Brooks's office.

Yeah right, right.
I gave it to her.

That's not
what she said.

- Wait. She said she found that wallet?
- Yes.

That's an exact quote,
"I found this"?

She said she found the wallet,
gave it to me and I gave her 100 bucks.

Seriously, you should worry
a little bit less about the wallet

And maybe maintain a little focus
on your driving skills, buddy.

Hello.

Jeff Greene, Larry David
to see Mel.

- Okay.
- Okay.

You know, I ran into the guy
in the wheelchair downstairs.

Your friend, Dennis.

He told me that you said
that you found the wallet,

and he gave you
$100 reward?

What's up with that?

- How dare you come in here...
- How dare I?

...and accuse me...
- Hey, what's going on?

This is the guy
that I told you about.

Oh, you got a problem
with our lifestyle?

- That we want to adopt a baby?
- Not at all.

Yeah. You need a good
fuckin' ass kicking.

That's what you need!
You want to name our baby Tang?!

You think it's good to name a kid
after a breakfast drink?!

We don't think that's a good name!
Do you understand that?

- I understand.
- Damn fucking right!

You apologize to her.
You apologize now!

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

What are you doing
here anyway?

I got a meeting
with Mel Brooks.

- Well, you're here. You came.
- Yes.

And I guess
you're wondering

why I called you.

Kind of, yeah.

Do you remember
the other night

I sang at the karaoke club
and then you got up?

- Yeah, he was great.
- The audience went pretty wild for me

and then
you sang "Swanee"

and they went crazy.

And when you sang,
I was absolutely floored.

I mean, l...
you think l...

- Really?
- No no, I couldn't get over it.

And bang bang,

something went
off in me.

In a couple of months,

the guy playing
Max Bialystock

will be going out
on the road,

leaving an empty slot
called Max Bialystock,

the leading character
in "The Producers."

I want you,
Larry David,

to be the next
Max Bialystock on Broadway.

I would like you to play the lead
in "The Producers."

When this thing goes off,
I'm never wrong... the guy has to be...

l... l... I don't,
I mean, I'm...

I don't know
what to say, I'm...

- Were you great?
- Well, Mel, I mean, you know...

- He was great. -
...a Broadway show... I've never...

I'm not, like
a theater actor.

When we made the movie
of "The Producers,"

The guy that played Carmen Ghia was
this incredible, talented greek actor.

His name is Andreas,
Andreas Voutsinas.

And Andreas used
to say to me...

"Or you got it
or you ain't."

I said, "Andreas, you can't
start a sentence with 'or."'

He said, "Never mind.
Or you got it, or you ain't."

You got it, Larry.

- You got it, Larry.
- You got it, mister.

Mr. Brooks is right,
my friend, you got it.

Oh, by the way, Ben Stiller
will be taking over at the same time.

So it will be Larry David
and Ben Stiller.

I got a great idea.

Go to the show tonight.
See the show.

Let it get into your pores,
let it get into your system.

I'm telling you I'm never wrong.
I am never wrong.

I know it sounds crazy to you.
I know it sounds insane.

- It doesn't sound crazy to me.
- You were born to do it.

- It sounds like a joke.
- No joke here.

It's like Allen Funt or Jamie Kennedy's
gonna come walking through the door.

You were born to do it.

Just see the show tonight,
see what happens.

See what happens and then let this
all come back to you.

Okay?

- You're gonna do it. It's gonna happen.
- He's going to do it.

Okay, Jeff, tell him in the elevator.
Tell him how great he is.

- Gentlemen, a pleasure.
- Take care.

I did all the plays in high school.
I swear to God.

They gave me the lead,
every one.

Are your M4 and M5?
Are those your house seats?

They'll be there.
Pick 'em up at the box office.

- Larry David, yeah.
- Thank you.

Giant fuckin' mistake
if I say so right to your face.

- Okay, Zero Mostel...
- Yeah, I know.

I know what
you're gonna say.

Nathan Lane, Jason Alexander
and Larry David?

- Come on, Mel.
- Trust me.

When I know, I know.
And this time, I know.

Thank you very much.

All right.
What's wrong?

Aw, this thing's
killing me.

You know, I'm gonna
take a painkiller, I think.

- I don't think you should do that.
- Why?

- Don't they make you tired?
- So what?

It's killing me.
It really hurts.

How are you gonna
take it without water?

- I don't know. Pop it in.
- Maybe you should wait.

Okay okay.
Okay, Larry.

- Did you get it?
- Yeah, I got it.

Ben Stiller?

- Yeah, I think that is.
- Hey.

Hi.

- Hey, how are you doing?
- Good to see you.

- Nice to see you.
- We met that one time at the...

- Hi.
- Hi, Ben.

- Oh good, thank you.
- Nice to see you.

- You okay?
- Yeah, what happened?

Mel Brooks hit me
with a bathroom door.

Cut my head.

- I know, it sounds like a joke.
- Really?

What, were you
talking to him?

I met him today.

Oh, you met him today?

So he told me
you're doing the show.

I am, yeah.
I'm doing the show.

So you were talking
to him about maybe...

- He...
- Yeah...

He offered me
the Max Bialystock.

Yeah, I know.

- It was a little shocking to me too.
- What?!

You mean,
he actually offered...

- Yeah.
- Really?

Offered him the...
I know.

- That is...
- Crazy!

Are you guys
just going cra...

Because it took him a long time
to make this decision.

- Well, yeah, we...
- Can I ask you something. You act?

- I know you're...
- No, I don't.

Yeah, and you sing?

I don't do anything, really.

They'll have to teach me.

- Right, right.
- He saw me in a karaoke bar.

- Wow.
- You're fucking with me, right?

No, it's true, but I'm still
thinking about it.

- I haven't made up my mind.
- You should think about it.

Honey, actually I see Brian and Lee.
We should go say hi.

- Bless you.
- Gesundheit.

Good to see you.
See you later.

- Well, whatever happens happens.
- Good to see you.

Lar, good luck.
This is a big decision. Take care.

I'll watch it tonight
and think about it.

- Good luck. Whatever happens, it'll...
- Ben, so good to see you.

And we'll talk about
apartments if you need to.

- I'm sure we'll all gonna be seeing...
- I know.

- I'll check it out.
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Okay, bye.

- What is wrong with you?
- What are you talking about?

Why didn't you shake his hand?
He put his hand out for you.

He sneezed
all over his hand.

- But he just sneezed on it.
- How rude is that?

He didn't
notice anything.

- He put his hand out to shake.
- Oh, please.

Of course he noticed that.
Everyone noticed that.

I'm not going to shake his hand.
It's got snot all over it, come on.

Partners, Leo,
all the way.

And nothing or no one
will ever come between us.

Nothing or no one, Max.

- Come in.
- Come in.

I'm back down
from the pills.

Oh, about our 10th
anniversary present...

- Okay.
...it's...

- It's fine if you want out of it.
- No.

Believe me, I will not
think any less of you.

No, I don't want to get out of it.
A deal's a deal.

I just want to tell you
that there's a few ground rules

that we need
to talk about, okay?

Okay, rule
number one is,

it's a one time only.

Okay, one time only.

And there's a deadline.

It's our anniversary at midnight,
then it's over.

Yeah, kind of like
Cinderella.

- And by the way...
- Yeah?

- If I do this show on Broadway?
- yeah.

My opening night is the same night
as our anniversary.

Really?
That would be fun.

# When you got it,
flaunt it #

# Show your assets,
let them know you're proud... #

What do you think?
You think you want to do the show?

#... Stick your chest out,
shake your tush #

# When you go in... #

You know,
maybe I will.

Maybe I will.

#... When you got it... #