Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - The Corpse-Sniffing Dog - full transcript

Suzie buys a guard dog, and Jeff has to leave the house because of allergies. Larry has to persuade Jeff's daughter Sammy to give up the dog, but Sammy wont. Larry, concerned, tries to find a way to please both Jeff and some friends who are also vying for the dog.

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Larry David?

Hi, Phil Dunlap,
here for the chef's position.

- Oh.
- Hi.

Hi.

Thank you,
thank you very much.

Yeah.

Yeah. Hey,
look at you. Look at you.

Yeah, look at you.

Wow. When did you
start losing it?

I started losing
when I was 15.

15, wow, earlier
than me, yeah.



Yeah, a little bit earlier.
I actually like it.

Ah, yeah, me too.

A little sunscreen
on it and it's fine.

- Yeah, a lot of sunscreen, right?
- Exactly.

You can't go outside
without the sunscreen.

No convertibles.
Oh, God, I hate that.

Oh, absolutely.
'Cause you have to wear a hat

if you're gonna be
in a convertible,

and then you look
like you're trying to hide something.

That's what they do,
these guys with the hats, don't they?

They wear it all the time,
and they'll meet a girl

then they'll show up
on a date.

Are they gonna take the hat off?
Wear it?

They have a
terrible decision...



Then the girl is gonna be, like,
"I didn't know you were bald."

- "You misrepresented yourself."
- Exactly.

"You're a liar."
Right, yeah.

- Minoxidil?
- No, you?

No.

Every day for the rest
of your life you have to...

- The drops and everything?
- Then you got to massage it in.

There's something psychologically
going wrong...

Psychologically wrong with them, what
about the transplant people?

- Huh?
- I hate those people.

- Toupee? Huh?
- No.

- Oh, no, absolutely not.
- They should kill those guys.

Exactly.

I'm surprised Hitler didn't
round up the toupee people.

If I'm going to be
a sick megalomaniac,

to round up people
who I hated, they would be on my list.

- I would say, "Get the toupee people."
- Absolutely.

I'd have my henchmen
going around tugging at people's hair.

If it comes off...

"Balden," come with me.

Ach, "Balden."

My fault.
It was my fault the whole time.

No, no, no, it was my fault.
I overreacted...

We were
all crazy.

No, if I hadn't told Mindy Reiser
that thing...

Forget it.
You know what?

To new times,
good friends.

- Back on track.
- Water under the bridge.

Good, good.
It's good to see you guys.

Ah-hh!

Does that bother anybody when I make
a noise like that?

Is anybody disturbed by that?
And why should you be?

What is it?
So what?

How is everything going?
How are the kids? How's the house?

Jakey is
driving us nuts.

He's always wanted
a dog, and we kept putting him off.

He wants a dog,
and we can't put him off anymore.

No freaking puppy,
though.

I don't want the peeing,
I don't want the chewing.

I want a good, smart,
trained dog.

Jeff's got that
German shepherd...

- Oh, right.
- they're looking to get rid...

oh my God, this
would be perfect for you.

How old is the dog?

He's, I don't know,
maybe four.

I had a German shepherd
when I was a little boy.

- Did you?
- Yeah, yeah.

- He keeps talking about him.
- You can't believe this dog.

It's a corpse-sniffing dog.
They got it from the fire department.

A what?
It's a corpse-sniffing...?

I'm telling you,
this is an amazing dog.

- What's his name?
- Oscar.

Oscar?

Oscar.

What happened
was they separated...

Jeff and his wife.

She was left alone
in the house

and she was worried
so she got a dog for security, and...

- And she got a shepherd.
- Right, and now...

Now they reconciled
and he's moved back,

but he's allergic
to the dog,

and he's sniffing
and sneezing all the time,

And he's a wreck.
But the dog is so great.

It's like having
a person there who barks.

- He understands everything.
- How's the dog with kids?

Great, they have
a little girl.

Tough customer.

But the dog is
fabulous with her.

Wouldn't hurt
a fly.

Sounds perfect.
You know what?

How do we do this,
how do we do this?

All right,
you're interested?

- Absolutely.
- Yes, yes, very.

That could be
absolutely perfect.

He's like an elephant sticking
his head in a pond.

Why are you
watching this?

Ugh...
this routine.

Stop it.

Um-um.
No, I'm sorry, no.

The cork is dry.
We need to send this back.

- Don't send that back.
- Feel the cork.

- I don't give a shit.
- You don't even have to taste it.

Tell the manager. Have him taste it...
an actual Bordeaux glass.

Can you please pour some for me?
You can't send this back.

You're an expert in wine?
Go ahead, taste it.

Larry, come on.

- Fine.
- It's fine, it's delicious.

At $140 a bottle,
I don't want "fine."

"Larry couldn't
possibly tell...

No, Larry, Larry,
come on, you can't.

"Larry's not
sophisticated enough to know..."

It's not a matter
of sophistication,

- It's a delicate thing.
- You don't have to drink it.

You don't have to drink it.
We'll order something else.

- I'll get you a nice spritzer.
- A spritzer.

- Terrific meal.
- It was great.

Didn't I say last time
we were here

I wasn't gonna
have dessert?

So what's going on
with your restaurant?

- You haven't said a word.
- Thank you for asking.

I'm not allowed to talk about it.
She doesn't like it.

She's bored
with restaurant talk.

- I'm not allowed to talk about it.
- No, you tell us.

When I was on "Seinfeld" I wasn't
allowed to talk about "Seinfeld."

I'm not allowed
to talk about anything I'm doing.

I bore her,
she bores so easily.

We're opening
next week.

This new chef we got,
he's gonna be fantastic.

Great.
Where did you find him?

Okay, Larry
only likes him because he's bald.

- That is so...
- No, that's true.

What makes you
say that, Cheryl?

He told me. He goes, "I found
this guy, he's great.

He's bald."
Does that seem logical?

- Don't say that. That's not true.
- Is that?

I did hire
a bald man, but...

And only
because he's bald.

- No, no, no.
- No, Larry.

No, no, no splitting.
No splitting.

You picked up
the last one.

- Don't you have to go to the bathroom?
- Huh?

Yeah, I got to go
to the bathroom, right.

Go to the bathroom,
go to the bathroom.

Thank you, Stu.

Anyway, thanks Stu,
that's very nice of you.

My pleasure.
You're welcome.

What about me?
You gonna thank me too?

- And thank you, Susan.
- You're welcome.

Why... why do I
have to thank you?

For dinner that my husband
and I treated you to.

Oh, I thought
he treated me to it.

Stu...

pulled out the credit card
and put it down, yes.

Yeah.
So I thanked him.

And he's using
our money to pay for it.

So you could thank us,
we're taking you out to dinner.

Well, you can
call it our money,

but for the sake
of discussion,

he's the one who goes to work
and earns the money.

- You don't work.
- All right, what about...

Cheryl, you don't
work for yourself.

Whose money is it
in your household?

- Honey, it's our money.
- No, it's not.

- Oh, brother.
- I've earned the money.

So what do you do,
pay her a salary?

- How does she buy things?
- She spends the money that I've earned.

She didn't work,
I earned the money.

- Loving you is my job.
- I earned the money. It's just a fact.

Stu, is it our...
it's our money.

- Our money.
- Right... you know, and...

- Right?
- He works, he gets the money.

- And it's their money.
- It's not "their money," it's my money.

It's not about where it's coming from,
it's what it becomes.

It's completely about
where it's coming from.

That's what it's about,
"Where does it come from?"

Well, I must say
that I am just glad

that in my marriage,
that's not an issue.

That Stu considers it...

It's not an issue
in our marriage either.

It's just a fact
of where the money came from.

Having a great meal...
so glad to see you guys.

I'm just so happy
to see you.

This is nice.

Hey, you know me,
I don't like to complain.

Oh, yeah.

I think you know me
well enough to know that by now.

How come there's no partitions
in the bathroom between the urinals?

- Here?
- Yeah.

I don't know.
I thought we were gonna have that.

Is it important?
It looks nice now.

We want a little
pee privacy, do we not?

Yeah, privacy.
I'm absolutely with you.

You don't want someone
looking down at your thing.

This isn't a bus station.
What do you think?

This is not gonna be that
kind of crowd.

This is a high-class
restaurant, Larry.

Still people go off
to the side.

They've got the 45?
angle things.

But is it really
important, Larry?

Yes, Michael.
It is important, yes.

- So we'll get them.
- I stand corrected.

- What are they called?
- Splash guards.

We can't get it in time.
We open in three days.

We can't have
the bathroom fixed in three days.

So we'll pee
at home for a while before we come.

Hey, everybody.

- Who's this?
- It's Oscar.

My family's dog,
not my dog.

This dog kills me,
I'm so allergic to it.

I have to hang with it today
'cause Susie's got

some stuff to do with tiling
at the new house.

If you're allergic,
why do you have the dog?

My wife and I were
separated for a while.

While we were separated,
she got this dog.

Now I'm back and the dog
ain't going anywhere.

I want to talk
to you about that.

- Don't touch your eyes.
- I'm not touching anything.

- What's the matter?
- What are you doing, Oscar?

Oscar!

What's wrong
with it?

- Really acting up.
- Not in the kitchen.

What are you doing,
Oscar?

What's he got?

Did somebody drop
some meat or something?

No, that floor is spotless
for the health inspection.

Looks like
he smells something.

Isn't he
a corpse-sniffing dog?

Well, folks,

this rescue canine
is well-credentialed.

I think there's
a real strong possibility

there's a dead body
underneath that floor.

There will have to be
an investigation,

and we'll have to tear up
the floor.

Oh, come on
that's ridiculous!

How long will that take?

I don't know.

Oh, this is
a nightmare.

I'm telling you, I'm gonna take my money
out of this place.

What if there's
a dead body under there?

We're fucked.
No one will ever come to the restaurant

where they found a body.
It'll be in the papers. We're fucked.

If there's a dead body
underneath there, we are fucked.

I can't live with this dog,
it's making me crazy.

- My eyes are burning.
- You look terrible.

Right here, I have a pain
so severe,

from that freaking dog.
I am highly allergic to dogs.

You know
the Braudys?

That guy who smashed
into Alanis Morissette?

- Oh, that idiot.
- Yeah, that guy.

We had dinner with them
the other night.

They're looking
for a dog for the kids.

I mentioned Oscar.

They would take that dog
off your hands tomorrow.

My daughter's in love with that dog.
What do I do?

You've got to sit down
and talk to her.

Tell her "Daddy can't
live in this house

because the dog
makes Daddy sick."

She'll understand,
don't you think?

Yeah, I think
she would.

Explain it to her,
what's going on.

If she doesn't know
you've got to tell her.

- Tell her, talk to her.
- Hold on.

Oh my God, it's Oscar!

Look at that, he came!
I can't believe it.

You really love Oscar.

It's nice to be affectionate
to something German.

You don't get the opportunity
that often, you know?

Good boy.

Daddy doesn't
feel good.

Sneezing,
up all night.

It hurts right here.
I have a horrible, horrible pain.

My eyes are watering
and I feel horrible.

And the reason
this is all happening

is because of
your pal Oscar.

All right?
So you have to decide

whether you want
Daddy or Oscar.

Mmm... Oscar.

What I'm saying is,
if you say Oscar,

- Daddy won't be here.
- I know.

- You know?
- Mm-hmm.

But you're choosing Oscar.
I'm your dad.

I just love
that dog.

Mm-hmm.

I have to go
to the bathroom.

We open in three days.
This is ridiculous.

We shouldn't have
called the cops.

We shouldn't have brought the dog
here in the first place.

What's going on?
Has he got something?

Wait a second,
wait a second, hold on.

I think he's found
something.

- What do you got there?
- Holy shit.

What does
he got there?

A bra?

Is that it?
Is there more?

Is there a body
with it?

Nothing else down here.
That's it.

That's it?
a bra?

That's it folks.
There's nothing else in there.

Oh my God.

He's a bra-sniffing dog.

He's a good
bra-sniffing dog.

- Terrific.
- Great.

- This is bullshit.
- All this for that?

Mystery is solved.

How long is it gonna take to get
all this back?

With what you got
going on here, it's a mess.

They dug up the electric, the gas,
the plumbing, it's...

- So how long?
- Three weeks to a month, Larry.

That's on the safe side.
Things could arise,

you got the city
involved now... Larry, I'm sorry.

Let me ask you this...

can we get the splash guards
in the urinal now?

- What do you think?
- I'll have time for that.

- That's good, Larry.
- We'll get the splash guards.

Blessing
in disguise.

Larry!

A dog!

She chose a fucking dog
over her own father.

You sat down,
you laid it out?

I told her,
"Daddy's sick.

He can't stay in the same house
with Oscar."

She wants Oscar!
She wants the dog!

- Okay, calm down.
- Where is the dog?

They took him
back to your house.

My house?
No, no, his house.

His house. I'm at the W. Hotel.
It's his house now.

By the way, he turned up a bra today.
There's no corpse.

A bra?
What the fuck's wrong with that dog?

- He's a bra-sniffing dog.
- A bra-sniffing dog? What the fuck?

He's closing us down
for three weeks now.

- Because of a bra?
- Yeah, they dug up the whole place.

- That fucking dog!
- Hey, take it easy.

I got to call that
bald chef and tell him.

- He's gonna be disappointed.
- You know what?

I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

- Where are you gonna be?
- W. Hotel.

You're gonna
hear from me soon.

- You're gonna hear from me.
- Where are you going?

I got something
to take care of.

Fuck!

- Hi, Larry.
- Hi, Sammy.

My mommy's next door.
She'll be home soon.

And my daddy's
at a hotel.

- Can I come in?
- Mm-hmm.

- What are you drinking?
- Grape juice. Want some?

Oh, positively.

Anyway,
I actually came

to talk to you.

Oh.

You know what?
I think I'm gonna have this instead.

Okay.

I just want
to try this wine.

Believe me, I know as much about
this as the next guy.

Come on.

No.
Too fruity.

And a tad
on the oaky side.

What does
"oaky" mean?

It tastes a little
like a tree.

Let's talk about
your dad, okay?

Isn't there another animal
we could interest you in?

Perhaps a little
pussycat?

I don't
like cats.

How about
a rabbit?

- Um-mm.
- Pony?

I never heard of a little girl
that didn't want a pony.

- Turtle?
- Turtles scare me.

Hamster?

Put him in a cage
and you can torture him a little bit.

- They're boring.
- But you torture them.

It's not boring
if you torture them.

I like Oscar
better.

What is that,
that dog whistle?

Is that
Oscar's whistle?

Uh-huh.

I wouldn't blow it,
he's asleep.

Oh. Look at this.

I saw your daddy
use it the other day.

He came running
out of the restaurant.

I don't understand
how this thing works.

Where's
the whistle part?

Anyway,
that's my spiel.

So...

come on, Sammy.
What do you say?

I don't want Oscar.

I want Daddy.

Go home!
It's all taken care of.

That's right.
We had a little chat.

I'm taking him
to the Braudys.

He's sitting
right next to me.

You're more
than welcome.

All right, my friend.
Goodbye.

Well, Oskie-boy.
Huh?

What do you say,
Oskie-boy?

We're going to the Braudys,
you excited?

Are you excited about the Braudys?
Come here, give me a kiss.

Give Uncle Larry a kissy,
Oscar boy.

Ooh.

All right, look
at your new home.

You're such
a good boy.

Yeah, you're such
a good boy!

- Hello.
- Hi.

Well,
here's Oscar.

This is the corpse-sniffing dog
I was telling you about.

- Right. I remember dinner.
- Oscar.

Yeah, all yours.

Do you have something to say
to me, Larry?

Yeah,
congratulations.

No, I mean, do you have anything else
to say to me from dinner?

I enjoyed the chicken
very much.

I was surprised at how good it was,
actually.

Very funny,
that's very funny.

Look, I didn't want to make
a big deal out of it,

but you know how I feel about
what happened at dinner.

Larry, I'm waiting,
I'm just waiting.

I'm still waiting.

Well...

I guess you'll have
to continue to wait

if it's a thank you
that you're waiting for.

Because a thank you is just a little
more than you can handle.

No, it's not more
than I can handle.

If you had paid
for the meal,

I would've thanked you
as I told you.

Okay.
Extraordinary.

It's extraordinary.
It's a shame.

So am I to assume that you do not
want the dog?

Is this what
you're saying to me?

If you want to thank me
for dinner, I will look at your dog.

I thank people when they deserve
to be thanked.

In this particular instance, you do not
deserve to be thanked.

Because a man and a woman
are married...

Because you haven't worked a day
since you got out of college.

- You've never held a job...
- Hey, look it's a dog.

Doggie!
Oh, he's so cute.

Leave the doggie alone.
He's not our dog.

- His name's Oscar.
- That's Larry's dog.

I wanted to give this dog
to you, but your mommy doesn't want it.

Don't be silly, you weren't gonna
give him to me.

- It's your dog, Larry.
- You promised!

At some point
we're gonna get a dog.

Daddy and I were
talking...

- Oh, he's such a good dog.
...but not this dog.

We'll look for a dog
someplace else.

Why look for one
when there's one right here?

Yeah.
Please...?

- Please?
- Oscar?

Okay, okay,
all right.

- Here you go, boys.
- Cool.

Hey, hey
what do you say?

- Thank you!
- You're welcome.

He sleeps on my bed.

Enjoy.

Oh, shit.

You sick fuck,
Larry David!

What the fuck do you
think you're doing

getting my kid
drunk?!

Drunk?
What are you talking about?

She's slurring her words,
she's bumping into things,

she stinks like
a fuckin' wino!

Oh, I poured some of your...
I had poured some wine.

Oh, she must
have accidentally...

a seven-year-old kid
drank some wine?

It was...
the glasses got...

Do I look like a fucking idiot,
that I'm gonna believe you?

You got her drunk and
stole the fucking dog, all right?!

No, she told me
I could have the dog.

She told you you could take the dog
after you got her

all fucked up on alcohol.
All liquored up.

I thought she had
a speech impediment.

You've known the kid
since she was born,

and she suddenly develops
a speech impediment?

That's what was
so puzzling to me.

Oh, listen, you four-eyed fuck,
you stole the dog!

She's at home
hysterical that her dog is gone!

I don't know
what you did to him.

Maybe you brought him
for some animal testing or something,

you sicko
fucko asshole.

Get me the fucking dog!

First of all...

I just want to thank you
for dinner the other night.

I don't know
what got into me.

I was so wrong
about that.

You're married,
you're a couple.

of course you get thanked.
It's a 50/50 thing.

So what if he works
and you don't?

That has nothing
to do with it.

You're a housewife,
you raise the kids.

You've got kids,
that's a full time job.

You deserve a thank you.
And I was dead wrong.

And I'm sorry.

Thank you.

I... that's great.

That wasn't easy to do and I really
do appreciate it.

You know what?
Once I realized the situation

and how wrong I was,
it was easy to do.

I'm very...
I am impressed.

And listen...

when you're wrong,
you're wrong, you know?

I didn't expect it.
I just didn't, but thank you.

Good, good.
Whew!

How's the dog
working out?

The dog is
actually great.

- Really?
- Yeah, the kids are loving him.

They're loving him,
he's sweet as can be.

Well-trained just like you said.
He's terrific.

I'll tell you
why I'm asking,

because something's
come up...

and ahem...

the owner of the dog actually
wants the dog back.

I just left her,

and her kid's pretty
broken up about it.

What do you mean,
what do you mean?

Well, it's
a long story,

but when her daughter
told me I could have the dog,

she was quite drunk at the time,
unbeknownst to me.

- Drunk? How old is this girl?
- Seven. Anyway...

when she said
I could have the dog

she wasn't in her... didn't have
all of her senses.

All right, okay, okay.
So now I understand.

So that's
why you're here.

- No, I came to thank you for dinner.
- Oh my God, I just knew it.

And as long as I'm here,
I'll take the dog.

As long as you happen to be here,
you'll take the dog back?

- What are you, sick?
- I'm only asking.

I really need it.
I mean, she wants the dog back.

It's her dog,
it is her dog.

It's not her dog anymore,
Larry, because you brought it here.

You've had it for a half hour so you
think it's your dog?

You know what?
It's not going to happen.

Oskie!

Just get... leave,
leave right now.

- Leave or I am calling the police.
- I really need the dog.

- I'm sorry.
- You're not giving me the dog?

No, I am not.
I'm not giving you my dog.

You're really
gonna disappoint a little girl.

Well, Larry, go back
and tell her to have another drink.

Because she's not
getting her dog back, okay?

I take back my thank you,
by the way.

The one that you never actually
gave me anyway.

Okay, bye, Larry.
Bye bye, now.

Bye bye, now!
You can leave now.

You can do it right now
because I will be calling the police.

Go, bye bye.
I have to go walk my dog.

Then I'm gonna
have him do a little fetching for me.

We might hop into the pool.
Bye, Larry.

Bye... no,
keep going.

Keep going, leave!

- Oscar, Oscar!
- Good boy! Good boy!

Oscar! You...!
Oscar!

Oscar, you
come back right...!

Larry, you piece
of shit!

Thank you,
thank you very much!

What's going on?

Why'd you bring
the dog back?