Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - The Special Section - full transcript

Larry is distraught when he learns that his mother died while he was off shooting a movie in New York, and he doesn't learn about the news until two days after the funeral. Larry uses the loss to get out of a number of unappealing invitations, while plotting to move his mother away from the "special section" of the cemetery.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
Didn't think I was
gonna find out, huh?

Is that what
you thought?

If you were me,

you wouldn't have found out
'cause you're stupid.

You guys are
fucking stupid.

- I have a gambling problem.
- A gambling problem?

Shut the fuck up!
Shut the fuck up!

Got a little
greedy?!

- I'm sorry, boss.
- You're sorry, you're sorry!

I'm sorry!

I'm fucking sorry, 'cause you fucking
morons fucked up!



You're sorry!

Here, you want the money?
Is that what you want?

You want money,
you fucking idiots?

Here, take the money.
Here, go ahead!

Go ahead, take the fucking money!
You fucking idiots!

Take it, take it,
take the fucking money!

Here, take it. Is that what you want?!
Take the fucking...

come here, you
fucking cocksucker.

- I'm scared of heights, boss.
- And cut!

Cut!

Larry?
All right...

the still photographer
was right in my way.

- Huh?
- The video went in and out.

It broke off... please,
take care of the video



for me, Joe, because
I can't see the thing.

From what I could tell,
from what I could hear...

From what you could tell?
You missed the whole tape?

Oh, no, it's great...
he needs more money.

- This isn't enough, I need more money.
- He needs more money.

Every take I don't
have enough money.

- Give him another...
- Thanks.

I think it's really developing
very, very well,

particularly the end.
What I'd like to get into more quickly

- is the threat of the violence.
- Okay, well, let me do this.

Let me take out
Gino's balls

in a plastic bag.

Take it out of my pocket,
hold up his balls.

The balls will never read.
They're not gonna read as well.

Balls will read.
Why won't balls read?

You got them
in plastic?

They'll be in a plastic bag
with some formaldehyde or something?

But it's a little
graphic for this.

I'd rather... that's
a big thing to do.

What's the matter with you?
Do you know what you're doing?

Do you really know
what you're doing?

This is just the threat
of the violence, okay?

What I'm concerned about, if this guy
says something, you should slap him.

- Like what?
- "Don't talk to me until I finish."

- Like that?
- Yeah, that kind of thing.

That's too hard.

- How many takes are we gonna do?
- Two more.

- Two more?
- Two more.

- You shoot too much, Marty.
- No, it's getting better each time.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Two more takes... one after the other.

Same slate. We get the energy better
on the second take that way.

You know, "Seinfeld,"
we did two takes and we were done.

We're just getting into it.
It's rich.

It's getting better
and better every time you do it.

All right, try to watch
this one, okay?

I was gonna watch, but I couldn't get
away from the earphones.

- Then cut it or something.
- No, you were really good.

I'm not gonna
break it up.

All right.

- What did he say?
- Listen...

No, what was he saying?
What was Martin Scorsese saying to you?

I don't know.
He has this little way of talking to me

- where it's subtle but...
- He doesn't like it?

I don't know, it's hard to tell.
Did my father call?

Oh, no, he hasn't
called yet.

But it's still
early in LA.

I don't know why he hasn't
called me back, you know?

My mother's sick.
He should call me back. I don't get it.

I know, I know.
It's hard to take anything you say

seriously right now.
You just look crazy.

I don't know if we're going to make
this plane. I really don't know.

He does
too many takes.

All right, Marty,
what's going on? We ready?

- Let's go. Joe?
- Get ready please, here we go.

Come on.

It's kind of nice
to be home, isn't it?

We should've made a right...
we should've made...

Honey, it's okay.

- I don't know what he's doing.
- It's fine.

I think I want to stop by my father's
on the way back.

I'll have the cab stop
and... drop me off.

You can
take it back home.

Okay, just
to check in?

Yeah, it's weird
that he hasn't called me back.

I don't know
what's going on.

Okay.

Listen, we're gonna
make a stop first.

I'm gonna
get dropped off.

Okay, that's good.
Very good. All right, honey.

- Hey, Dad.
- How are you, boychick?

- Good. How you doing?
- All right, doing fine, yeah.

- How'd you get here?
- I had the cab drop me off

from the airport
and Cheryl took it home.

Hey, I could've
picked you up.

Look at this place.
Very nice.

Looks like you've been living
here for a while.

- Well, listen, you look good here.
- How you doing, okay?

- Yeah.
- I called, you never got back to me.

I was busy,
you know, I got busy.

What do you mean, you "got busy"?
What are you doing?

Let me make you
a cup of coffee, huh?

Aw, I don't
want any coffee.

I just came to check up on you.
How's Mom doing?

Oh, well, you know
how people do.

So... tell me
about New York!

Did you have
a good time in New York?

Um...

I mean, busy...?

You seem very jumpy.
What's the matter with you?

Well, I didn't expect you
to come in today.

I really didn't know
you were here.

Where's Mom?

Well... your mother.

Well, I'll tell you
all about your mother, you know...

after all, we brought her back.
Your mother, she got sicker

and we had to bring her
back to the hospital.

- She's in the hospital?
- Yeah, well, not now.

But we had to bring her
back for a while.

Why didn't you tell me?
You didn't even call.

She didn't want to bother you.
You know how she is.

She said,
"Don't bother him.

He's in New York.
Let him enjoy himself."

She didn't want
to spoil your trip.

She's not in the hospital now,
so that's over with.

- Don't worry about that.
- She's feeling better?

Well, in a way.
She did warn me.

She said, "If anything
happens to me, don't bother Larry.

He's in New York
and he wants to enjoy."

So then,
after a day or two...

nobody goes on forever
and ever and ever.

You're not gonna go on,
I'm not gonna go on...

- Is she dead?
- Er, yeah.

Dead, dead,
she's dead.

And she didn't want me
to bother you.

- What does that mean?
- Well, you were in New York.

You were having a good time,
so we didn't call.

W-when did she die?

Let's see, the funeral
was on Monday...

- The what?
- so she had to die on...

- Funeral?
- Yeah, funeral.

W-why wasn't...
I'm not at the funeral?

What do you mean
Monday was the funeral?

Well, Monday
was the funeral.

Why wasn't I at the funeral?
Why didn't you call me?

She told me not
to bother you...

She told you not to bother me?
What is that supposed to mean?

You were in New York.
You were busy.

So what? What do you mean, I was busy?
You give me a call!

You didn't call me? You didn't call me
to tell me my mother died?

The last words she said to me,
"If anything happens to me,

you don't bother Larry.
Don't spoil his trip in New York."

That's insane!

The woman did not
want to bother you.

I missed her funeral because
she told you not to call me?

- Is that what you're telling me?!
- That's right!

Who's that, Larry?

My condolences.

- Your cousin.
- I'm sorry.

- How are you?
- Hi, Andy.

I'm sorry, I really am.
Heard you were in New York.

You missed a good one.
This was really a nice...

I'm sorry I missed it. Had I been
informed,

I may have been able
to attend my mother's funeral.

- It was beautiful.
- Very nice.

Very well attended,
rabbi spoke beautifully...

honestly, rabbi spoke beautifully.
Like a friend.

I noticed you called
Andy in New York, and he flew in.

Your mother didn't say
not to call Andy.

She said not to call you,
that's all she ever said.

Why didn't you call me
when you were there?

It would have been nice
if you called.

You know, I was busy, Andy.
I couldn't see you.

I'm not talking
about that, just call me.

I figure if you're in town
just call and say hello.

I didn't need to see you.
I didn't need to visit.

What's the difference?
I could call when I'm in LA.

- I don't see the logic to it.
- You know what I'm talking about.

Don't be a putz.
What are you talking about?

- Don't know what you're talking about.
- Are you arguing?

Are you out of your mind?
If you go to Florida,

you're not gonna call Aunt Cher?

Not necessarily.

You come to town,
you give me a call.

If I can't see you,
there's no point in calling!

I didn't want to see you.
What is the matter with you?

Two people
related to each other,

two people, two cousins,
and you're arguing this way?

Okay, forget... I'm sorry I didn't
call you in New York.

I'm sorry you didn't either. It would
have been nice to hear your voice.

Let me show you
who was at this funeral.

Everybody was there,
my goodness.

Your Uncle Harold
was there.

He told his famous joke
that he always tells.

Yeah, about the temple,
I know, I know.

Abe Lincoln, he's Jewish.
He got "shot in the temple."

The food the first night
was not so good. It was just deli.

But I'll tell you,
people brought over...

we still got stuff in the fridge,
it's delicious.

Yeah, we have a lot
of hard-boiled eggs.

And the eulogy
was nice?

- It was beautiful.
- Take a look at how wonderful.

A lot of people
turned out.

"Beautiful service, sorry about
your loss. Where's Larry?"

The Sessons called
to send their condolences.

Who else called?

- We don't have to...
- No, who called?

Michael Adler called.
He wants to have lunch with you...

I haven't spoken with this guy
in five years.

What does he want to have lunch
with me for?

I don't know.

Caruso's called.
Your suit is ready,

which is actually good.

You're gonna need it
for Julie Blum's bat mitzvah.

And the Mandels are...

That bat mitzvah,
oh, God.

Is there anything worse?
Can you think of anything worse?

Go ahead, what else?

And the Mandels
want to confirm dinner on Saturday.

Okay.

No, that's not happening.
Cancel it.

- No dinner with...
- No, can't do that.

- What do you want me to tell them?
- Tell them whatever you want.

Okay.

Ahem... hi.

Mary, hi,
it's Cheryl David.

We're not gonna be able
to do dinner on Saturday.

Well, I'm sorry
to say, but...

Larry's mother
just passed away.

And we're going
to take some time with that.

Okay, thank you.
Okay, bye bye.

What did she say?

She said she's very sorry
to hear about your mother.

Really?

Yeah, and she
completely understood.

Huh.

Michael?
Larry David.

Pretty good.

I'd love to,
but you know what?

My mom died.

Yeah.

So I'm just not gonna
be doing much for a while.

Okay, yeah,
absolutely.

As soon as I get it together...

Hi.
It's Larry David.

Hey, I'll bet Julie's
pretty excited

about that
bat mitzvah, huh?

Unfortunately,

we're not gonna be
able to make it.

Well...
my mother died.

Tell Julie good luck,
sorry I can't be there.

And mazeltov.

You too, darling.

Larry, how did you
ever land this role in this film?

It's like
unbelievable to me.

I'm happy
for you,

- but how did that happen?
- He saw me at the...

at the lmprov

screaming at the audience
one night in New York.

- You mean ages ago?
- Yeah, ages ago.

He remembered this?

He remembered because
I was having it out

with this guy in the audience,
and he thought

I could play this tough Jew.
I don't know, it was weird.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

That's fucking
unbelievable.

Maybe I should hang out
by his house and scream and yell.

No, that's great.
Speaking of screaming and yelling,

I'm trying to calm down
a little bit,

so I decided...
don't mock.

I'm gonna start...
I've never done it before, to meditate.

You know, I used to do it.
Did you know that?

- I vaguely remember.
- Yeah, I used to do it.

What do you do,
actually?

I had a mantra,
you know,

and you repeat this mantra
in your head.

- You repeat it?
- Yeah, say it over and over again.

- Where do you get mantras?
- From a yoga instructor.

I'm not gonna...
I have to sign up

for a yoga class
or a mantra class?

You could say anything you want.
Give yourself your own mantra.

You want a mantra?
I'll give you a mantra.

"Lonely, lonely..."

- "Lonely..."
- "Lonely..."

- Just keep repeating it.
- That would work?

You want mine?
I'll give you mine.

- Is that allowed?
- Who's gonna stop us?

- Nobody.
- It's totally applicable.

What is your mantra?

Okay.
Actually...

- Are you taking it back?
- No, I'm telling you.

- Oh.
- Ji...

- That's it?
- Ji ya.

Ji ya?
What does it mean?

I have no idea. But keep repeating it
over and over again...

"Ji ya, ji ya, ji ya"...
you know, half an hour,

20 minutes,
half an hour...

- "Ji..." oh, shit.
- What?

This guy, Ed Swindell.
He's spotted me.

He's gonna want
to do a "stop-and-chat."

Don't... don't,
don't go, don't go.

- Oh my God, I got to...
- Oh, what a fuck.

I got a lot of shopping
to do. Have a blast.

- Hey, Larry.
- Hey, Ed.

Good to see you.
What a surprise.

Good place,
isn't it?

Yeah, we're clothes shopping
and I had to get out of there.

You know, little Deslys,
"the princess,"

she's holding up
these two things.

"Which makes me look
more growed-up, Daddy?"

You know...

my mother...
just died.

Oh, Larry,
I'm so sorry.

I kind of need to be alone
with my own thoughts.

Oh, absolutely.
Jeez, bless your heart.

Our thoughts
are with you.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, yeah.

Excuse me.

Yep?

I'm looking for my mother's grave,
Adele David.

She was just buried.

Yeah, yeah.

I think it's supposed to be
right over there.

She got moved.
Special section.

What "special
section"?

You'd better talk
to the general manager.

Take a right here and it's the first
building on the right.

My mother was moved
to a special section?

Yes, evidently
you were out of town.

Well, I would've been here,
but I wasn't informed about it.

Well, obviously. We have a section
reserved for people

who... well, who just
don't qualify

for the interment
in consecrated ground.

It's a place where
we put the villains, the suicides,

the gentiles who are
from mixed marriages...

Okay, okay.
This is a horrendous mistake, okay?

Let me explain, please.
When the shammas examined her,

he found that she
had a tattoo

on the...

Tattoo?
My mother had a tattoo?

Yes, sir.
It's on the right cheek

of her right buttock
if you will.

My mother had
a tattoo on her ass?

On her right buttock,
yes, sir. Now...

So what if she did
have a tattoo, so what?

According to Leviticus,
"You shall not make any gashes

in your flesh for the dead,
nor incise yourself."

In other words,
to adorn oneself in such a manner,

was found by Maimonides...
many, many, years ago, of course...

to be an offense

which would disqualify
such a person

from burial
in consecrated ground.

Okay.

Look, I wasn't here.
I should've been here.

I wasn't called. My father
for some reason didn't call me.

- Your dad was here.
- If I was here,

this never would've happened.
Sir, I'm here now

and I'd like to rectify this.
I'd like to get her

where she's supposed to be,
where we paid for her plot.

Now, if there was some
youthful indiscretion,

and she got this tattoo...
which I still can't even

hardly believe my ears
when you even tell me this...

but okay, say she does
have this tattoo over there.

You know...
so come on.

So what?

There's nothing
I can do, sir.

The law is the law.

That's two things
you didn't tell me.

All right, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, what can I do?

What are we gonna do about this
"special section" thing?

- We can't keep her there.
- This is ridiculous.

Well, that's true,
I don't understand this.

But they have
this special section.

It's the stupidest,
stupidest thing I ever heard of.

- I agree with you totally.
- Never heard of anything so insane.

I have heard of it.

She would be sick to her stomach
if she knew.

Yes, she would
be upset.

Bottom line is, she'd be sick
to her stomach.

When did she
get this tattoo?

The tattoo?
We were just married.

We walked down
the boardwalk over there.

She saw a tattoo parlor.
She said, "Hey, let's do it."

Your parents
had tattoos.

With our names.

That was an epic...
words of love.

A real
show of love.

I can't imagine
my parents making love.

I can't imagine
you making love.

Wow! Well,
that looks good.

- Well, thank you.
- Thank you very much.

- Thank you, honey.
- So what's for dinner?

Turkey.

No, I had turkey
for lunch.

Oh, well...

It's all right,
it's okay.

I'm gonna go check
on that turkey.

- I'll take whatever you have.
- Thank you, Ned.

Bad call, huh?
Having turkey for lunch?

Well, who knew?
I didn't know.

You doubled up.

What am I gonna do,
order Chinese food in LA.?

You can't order
Chinese food in LA.?

There's no good
Chinese food in LA.

Right, 'cause all the good Chinese
cooks went to New York.

A country of
one billion people

couldn't send one good chef
to Los Angeles.

How can you
possibly be arguing

the quality of good Chinese food
in LA. versus New York?

All right, fine.

You know what?
come here, come here.

All right,
here's my idea, okay?

I want to get...
I want to move her body.

I want to move
the body to where it's supposed to be,

because Mom would not
want to be there.

It's not right.
I feel terrible about it.

And...

How do you move...
how do we move her?

I'm gonna try and pay off
the gravedigger is what I'm gonna do.

Wow.

That does not sound
like a good idea.

I think it sounds
fantastic.

It's not dangerous
because I don't have to do anything

but pay off the gravedigger,
that's all I have to do.

I think I can do it.
If he takes the money, fine,

if not, well,
at least I tried.

You think you can get
this man to dig it up?

If you offer somebody
enough money, they'll do it.

I got to tell you,
we tried everything we could.

We talked to these people.
They would have none of it.

If you can pay this guy off,
I say go do it.

I'd like to contribute.
I'd like to contribute a few dollars.

You're not contributing.
This whole tattoo thing is just...

I agree with you
completely.

- Honest to God, I think it's a great...
- I think it's terrible.

- Shh... quiet, quiet.
- All right.

- We'll do it.
- I think it's a great idea.

- It's a great idea.
- It's a scary idea.

"Ji ya, ji ya, ji ya..."

Yeah, who is it?

- It's me.
- LD?

- Yeah.
- I can't, er...

What's the matter,
huh?

I'm meditating.

Oh, my God.
You're kidding.

No, I'm getting into this
and it's starting to work.

I just forgot to turn the phone off.
I'm just pissed off.

Oh, I'm sorry. Actually, that's kind
of what I'm calling about.

- About what?
- I was calling about the mantra.

What about the mantra?
It's good, by the way. It's working.

I'm calling to see... maybe
I could get it back.

Get it back?
What is that? You gave it to me?

I changed my mind.
I'd like to get it back.

You can't be
an East Indian-giver.

Well, I had it first,
kind of, you know.

You did, but
you let me have it.

Now it's part
of my whole being.

My essence screams
of this mantra.

And it's been working,
and l...

- Really Larry, it's not fair.
- What about splitting it with me?

Splitting it? What is this,
a timeshare in the Hamptons?

- You don't split a mantra.
- Who says you can't split a mantra?

- Why can't you?
- It strikes me as being a tad...

homosexual.

- Get out. It's not a gay thing.
- I mean, we're not homosexual.

You don't have to tell me.
I know I'm not a homosexual.

I know, but I'm really having
a difficult time giving it back.

I mean, you did a nice turn
and you know,

and now you're reneging,
you know?

It's just that, you know,
my mother just died.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- All right, fine.
- Yeah?

- Yeah, yeah. yeah.
- Oh, fabulous.

Don't even think twice
about it, all right?

- Great, so we'll split it.
- Yeah okay, no problem.

- Fantastic.
- All right, man. Bye.

Who's that?

- Lewis.
- Lewis, how's Lewis?

- He's good.
- Yeah?

- I am exhausted.
- Oh, okay.

Good night, honey.

Good night?
Really, good night?

Good night.

- What are you doing?
- What am I doing?

No, no, please.
Honey, I just showered.

What? So what?
that's good for me.

I don't feel like getting
into all that right now.

- What? Why not?
- I'm very tired.

- You're kidding.
- Nope.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

You know, it was just that I've been
going through a rough time,

what with my mother
and all.

Oh...

I didn't even have a chance
to say good-bye.

Oh, honey.

Hey!

How you doing?

Remember me?

All right.

Meet me
at the grave.

8:00 tonight.

You better bring
some friends to help.

- Help what?
- Dig.

All these stones
look alike.

Completely,
completely lost.

Watch your feet.

You step on
one of these things, you'll trip...

- Hey, over here.
- Hey.

Hey!
Hey!

You're late.

Yeah, well,
we got kind of lost.

Welcome to
the special section.

- Oh my God.
- Here you go, gentlemen.

- Thank you.
- Enjoy your work.

Thank you.

Hey, what about you?

I only got
four shovels.

Asshole.

All right.

Ji ya.

Ji ya.

Ji ya, ji ya, ji ya...

Ji ya, ji ya, ji ya,
I made it out of clay

And when it's dry and ready,
oh, ji ya I will play

Yo! Ji ya, ji ya,
ji ya, ya ji ya ji-ji-ji...

- Who is it?
- Your friend, Richard Lewis.

Oh, Richie boy!

- Larry...
- Oh, a little pop-in, huh?

- Yeah, a bit of a pop-in.
- No call?

No. Happy?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

The mantra that
you so nicely lent to me,

that I said
maybe 400,000 times...

"Ji ya"?
What, what?

I found out what it meant from some
chick who does this meditation stuff.

- What does it mean?
- Well, you can take "ji ya,"

and take that mantra
and shove it up your ass.

- You know what it means?
- No, what does it mean?

"Fuck me."

Fuck me!

Fuck you!

Hmm.

Beautiful day,
isn't it?

Yes, it is.

- You hear the birds?
- Um-hm.

Sometimes I like
to pretend that I'm deaf

and I try to imagine
what it would be like...

- Right.
...not to be able to hear them.

It's not so bad.

You expecting
somebody?

- No.
- Huh.

Hi.

Can we come in
and talk to you please?

- Oh, sure.
- You don't mind? Thank you.

We're looking for a Larry David,
ma'am. Can you help us?

- Oh, why?
- Is he here, ma'am?

Well, I'm wondering
what this is about.

We need to speak
with him, ma'am.

Hey, that's him,
that's the guy.

Mr. David? We're gonna need you
to come with us, sir.

What are you
talking about?

Evidently you've been passing
some bad bills around town, sir.

- Can you help us out with that? -
Counterfeit bills, sir.

Yeah, that's right.

Counterfeit bills.
Put your hands down, sir.

Oh... okay, all right.
I know what happened here.

I was in this movie, and they gave me
this counterfeit money.

- I understand.
- And... no, I'll...

- Relax your arms, sir.
- You can't be serious.

- Stay calm.
- I'll give you real money.

No, but I'll give you
real money.

- My mother died...
- I'm very sorry.

Ji ya!

Ji ya!