Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - The Terrorist Attack - full transcript

Wanda Sykes unknowingly starts a rumor about a terrorist attack when she tells Larry about it. Meanwhile, Cheryl's friend is planning a benefit concert with Alanis Morisette performing. When people skip town because of the rumors, the benefit is canceled, and the blame is placed squarely on Larry.

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Four for David.

Let me see... no,
I'm not finding that.

Try Braudy.
B-R-A-U-D-Y.

Here we go, for four.
All right.

They haven't arrived.
Would you like to be seated?

- Sure.
- Right this way.

I'm looking. They automate it right.
I'll tell you that.

- Hey.
- Hey, look who's here.

- Guys, how are you?
- Good to see you.

What are you doing here?
Well, let me guess.

We're gonna
take a nap, yeah.



We're gonna meet some friends
and have dinner.

Okay, I didn't mean to pry
into your life there.

I meant, what are you doing in general?
What's going on?

You know what?
I'm investing in a restaurant.

What are you touching?
No reason to touch.

- Did I overstep my boundary?
- No touching here.

- Do you need the money?
- I think it will be fun to do,

you know, showing
people to their table.

You'll be working there
like a busboy?

No... remember when we used
to hang out in comedy clubs in New York?

I didn't invest.
I just went there and I left.

I didn't lock up.

- Are you gonna lock up the restaurant?
- I'm not gonna lock up.

"See you there, Rocco."
I went with "Rocco."



- Good to see you.
- Nice to see you.

'Night, Paul,
see you later.

Larry, you are so rude.

Why?

You didn't say
one word to Mindy.

You didn't look in her direction
the whole time.

Did you say
anything to her?

You do that
all the time.

I said hello, didn't I?

I don't think
you did, honestly.

- I didn't say hello?
- No.

- No, I said hello.
- I don't think you did.

I think you were
very caught up in Paul.

You didn't even
look over at her.

Oh, she must think
I'm such an asshole.

Yeah.

Did you even
notice her?

Well, I smelled her perfume.
It's hard not to notice.

Well, she owns
a perfume shop.

The whole night is just...
you can't leave your house.

Bye, bye.

She didn't even wave
goodbye or anything.

By the way,
when the check comes tonight,

Stu can pick it up.
Don't pick up the check.

- Yeah, I paid the last two times...
- You have.

He runs to the bathroom
every time the check comes.

I've noticed
the bathroom trick.

- He's got that trick down.
- He really does.

Hi. I'm so late, late.

No, you're not late,
don't worry about it.

Good to see you.

We would've been here
10 minutes earlier

if we'd valeted the car instead
of trying to find a parking space.

I'm not gonna
valet the car.

I got this new Cadillac CTS.

Drives like a dream.
I'm gonna give it to the valet?

Yeah, it's our third child.

Did you happen to run
into the Reisers outside?

We saw them,
but no eye contact.

No, they didn't see us.

They're not invited
to the NRDC benefit at your house?

I don't think it would
be a good idea, do you?

It just felt like it would
be hypocritical.

It is so generous of you guys to open
your house to this benefit.

- And your hearts.
- It's a big undertaking.

It is a big undertaking.
But you know what?

I get to have Alanis Morissette
singing in my living room.

- I cannot wait.
- She's fantastic.

That first album... the song
"You Oughta Know"...

And she's referring
to this "Mr. Duplicity"...

Larry has no idea
what we're talking about.

When you said "Mr. Duplicity,"
I thought you were referring to me...

You know who it's about?
Her guitar player.

No, it's a big secret.
She's never said.

She has never...
she's never said.

It was an actor in a sitcom
about a family.

Yeah, or I think I've heard her
manager. But it's this huge secret.

She'll tell me.
People confide in me.

- She'll open up to you, Larry.
- Everybody opens up to me.

I'll find out.
I'm gonna find out the big secret.

- Okay, good.
- Your parents are out here?

Yeah, yeah,
they moved out.

- How's your mom?
- Ah, you know, so-so.

Yeah.

- Who could go for some wine?
- I could, yeah.

- Oh, that was good.
- That was great.

It's official.
I'm now full.

Now you are.
The Fat Boy's Special.

You're done?

I'll go to the little
fat boy's room.

I know, okay.
He knows.

- It's the Fat Boy's Special.
- Look what you've done.

He knows.

Well, it was good
to see you guys again.

It was great to see you.
I probably won't till...

- Probably the benefit.
- Yeah.

I said don't
pick up the check!

Well, last night was it,
believe me.

All right,
I'm going out.

All right.

What will I do
about Mindy Reiser?

I wish I could
make it up to her.

I could've at least asked
about the perfume store.

People love when you ask them
about what they're doing.

Next time you see her
just be nice to her.

She thinks I'm the world's
biggest schmuck.

Hey, Larry.
I got to talk to Cheryl.

Hey, Wanda,
what's going on?

I have some news.

Are you okay?

Yeah, and no.

But I got to tell you
something.

You might as well
get over here too.

Oh, my God,
you're so serious.

- It's big.
- What's going on?

Okay.
My brother...

his best friend
works for the CIA.

He got this information
from the highest source possible.

There is going to be
a terrorist attack

this weekend in LA.

Yeah, and you cannot
tell a soul.

My brother told me,
but I'm not supposed to tell anybody.

But you know, you my girl,
I had to tell you.

- Thank you.
- I'm getting out of town.

I'm going to Vegas
with my boyfriend.

- I advise y'all to do the same.
- What kind of attack?

Attack, Larry.
Anthrax, a bomb, I don't know.

It could be something crazy.

And this is...

They said it's 90% sure
that something's gonna go down.

- Why can't we tell anybody?
- They don't want panic, Cheryl.

That's why they're
not telling anybody.

We got to get out of here.

- Yeah, get out of here.
- This weekend there's a big...

NRDC benefit that we've been
working on for months.

Alanis Morissette
is gonna be there.

I'm just, I'm thinking out loud.

Why don't we call
the terrorists and ask them

could they pick another weekend
more suited for you?

Postpone the benefit,
let's get out of here.

I thought I'd never say this,
but Larry's right.

If we don't show up
at the benefit,

- what will people...
- lf? What?

Look, okay,
I did my part.

You're my friend,
I had to tell you.

- Thank you.
- I'm going to Vegas.

- Okay, okay.
- Y'all out your mind.

I'm trying to help people,
they're talking about a benefit.

Call me when you
get back into town.

Hopefully
you'll be here.

Wow.

Yeah, Larry.

I just don't see how
we can leave this weekend.

This whole NRDC
benefit was my idea.

I talked the Braudys
into having it at their house.

Alanis Morissette
is coming to sing.

I mean, I just...

I just know
I can't leave town.

Well, maybe...

you know,
maybe I can...

I can go.

And where are you
gonna go?

I could go golfing
at Pebble Beach, maybe?

Mm-hmm. Do you think
that's a good idea?

For us to be apart
if something did happen?

Then at least, you know,
one of us would...

survive.

It just seems like
if we're gonna go,

- we should go together.
- Not necessarily.

Almost seems
a little... selfish

that you would want
both of us to...

perish.

So, you'd be fine
going on without me?

Well, it would be...

very difficult
at first, I'm sure.

But hopefully
I could at some point

get back some
semblance of a life.

Okay...

if you feel good
about...

one of us... dying

and the other one
surviving,

and you can live with that
for the rest of your life,

then you should
go golf this weekend.

- I'll think about it.
- Think about it.

Hey, Mindy.

Oh, Larry.
Paul's not here.

I came actually to see you.
Do you have a few minutes?

I need to talk to you,
it's pretty important.

- You came to see me?
- Yeah.

What for?

Okay, this is going
to sound a little crazy.

But believe me,
it's all true.

I have a friend
who has a friend

whose brother
works in the CIA.

And he has it from the highest
possible source

that there's going to be
a terrorist attack

on Los Angeles
this weekend.

- It sounds crazy.
- You're putting me on.

- I'm not putting you on.
- This is a joke.

- Larry, come on.
- This is not a joke, this is the truth.

- Paul put you up to this?
- No, he didn't.

I haven't even
spoken to him.

You have a contact
in the government?

- Totally reliable.
- Are you serious?

Mindy, your life is in danger.
Get out of here.

What kind of attack
is it gonna be?

- It wasn't very specific.
- Where?

It could be anywhere.
It's in LA.

Oh my God, I can't believe it.
Oh my God, all right.

Okay?

I have to call my sister.

No, no, no,
you can't tell anybody.

I have to call my mother.
She's 80 years old.

She can't survive
a terrorist attack.

You can't say
anything, Mindy.

Okay, she lives in Orange County.
She's kind of far away.

They're not going
to Orange County, the terrorists.

They have nothing
in Orange County.

So we've got to get
out of town, huh?

- Absolutely.
- Maybe we'll go to the desert.

Maybe that will be good?
Palm Springs?

Palm Springs, why not?
It's 90 minutes, very nice.

Where do you stay
when you're there?

- Four Seasons.
- Four Seasons?

Yeah.

Maybe we'll go there,
or up north.

Santa Barbara is lovely
this time of year.

Where are you
and Cheryl going?

Unfortunately,
we can't go.

You can't...

oh, the Braudys'
NRDC event.

- You know about that thing, huh?
- Of course I know about it.

Our invitation got "lost in the mail"
or something.

- I don't want to get in the middle...
- No, listen,

I know you and Cheryl don't have
anything to do with it.

It's between us
and the Braudys.

But it's amazing
you are staying in town

risking your lives
for something like this.

It's unbelievable.

Cheryl wanted to leave,

I thought it's best that
we go to the benefit.

It's amazing.
I have a million things to do,

but I'm curious
about something.

- Why did you tell me?
- What are you talking about?

You're friends,
we like you so much,

you and Paul, you know.
I was driving around,

I saw your shop, I thought,
"I've got to tell Mindy."

I have really
misjudged you.

I can't thank you enough.
You are an amazing person.

You are a wonderful
human being.

- I can't thank you enough.
- I'm trying to be a good friend.

I understand. Listen!
I have some samples.

I want you to take these.

Give them to Cheryl, okay?
With my love.

Here you go.
She'll like these.

- Nothing for men?
- Oh, yeah, here.

You'll like these.
This is aftershave.

- Uh-huh.
- This is before-shave.

Got you some
of these samples.

What?

These are moisturizers
from Mindy Reiser's shop.

Really? I wish I would've
known you were going.

She carries that perfume
Wanda wears that I love.

Would've had you pick me up a bottle.
Why did you go there?

To kind of... apologize
for the other night.

Larry David...
apologize?

- That's very...
- Why, is that unusual?

It's unusual, yes,
highly unusual, yes.

I feel like I apologize
to somebody every day.

- Are you kidding me?
- Who says "I'm sorry" more than me?

Do you know anybody
in the world?

I'll get it. Hello.

- Hi, Paul. Yeah...
- Paul Reiser?

Hello?

Hey.

Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah, l... well...

I don't know. 90%.

Well, hey, come on.
Of course, no problem.

I'm happy to.

Yeah, okay.
Well, you take care.

- All right, bye.
- What was that about?

Oh, you know,
I went to apologize to his wife.

Oh. And what was "90%"?

He asked me
what the chances were

that this could
happen again...

- that I'd ignore her.
- Right.

Listen, I've been doing
a lot of thinking,

I really think we should
reconsider going...

we should get out of here,
don't you think?

No.

This is crazy, to hang
around here. What for?

We are gonna
stay right here.

- Where are all the cars?
- I don't know.

Is there a valet
we missed or something?

- Hi.
- Hey, Stu.

Hi, Larry and Cheryl.

- Come on in.
- Thank you.

- Where's all the cars?
- Please come in.

The party's in full swing.
Come on.

Are we the first
ones here?

Where is everybody?

I'm actually surprised
you're here,

'cause, you know, there's
a terrorist attack

that is going to "take out
the entire city of Los Angeles."

Some time this weekend.

You'll notice Alanis Morissette
is not here.

- Obviously.
- She got very nervous,

- she said she wouldn't sing.
- She left town.

- Really?
- Gone. Yeah.

- 'Cause she heard...?
- Apparently the word kind of spread.

It sounds like
it might've started

with Mindy Reiser.

And guess
who told Mindy?

Who?

- Me?
- What?

- No...!
- You told Mindy Reiser about this?

Okay, so you knew?

This is exactly
what Wanda said!

She said don't cause a panic,
don't tell people.

Did we not have
this discussion?

- It's a little embarrassing...
- This is a little embarrassing.

This is humiliating
beyond belief is what this is.

I felt bad because I snubbed Mindy
at dinner the other night,

I didn't talk to her and l...

Told her there'd be a terrorist attack
in Los Angeles this weekend?

There was supposed to be one!

- You tell Mindy Reiser?
- She has betrayed us...

Time after time. She opens her mouth.
You can't tell that woman anything.

Why do you think
we don't talk to her?

- I don't know!
- She has a big mouth!

And by the way, Larry,

thank you for telling us
about this terrorist attack.

- I didn't tell anybody else.
- You told Mindy.

That's really nice of you.

Why don't you call
your friends, the Reisers?

Why don't you have
a little bite with them?

Since you snubbed them and all,
go ahead, all right?

I am going to bed.

Have a little bite
with the Reisers.

At least they pick up a check
every now and then.

- What the hell does that mean?
- What?

I know what you do every
time the check comes...

you run to the bathroom.

- Oh, fuck you.
- Honey, don't!

You don't think I know about
that bathroom trick?

- I invented that trick.
- Go to hell!

The "bathroom trick"?
I got a problem, a medical problem.

Yeah, you got a problem
paying money.

- No, thank you.
- I'll take one, thanks.

Mmm, very good.

- Who's the chef?
- I don't know.

- I shouldn't ask.
- I don't think you should.

Thank you... okay,
that's enough, come on.

I just want to know,
for the restaurant.

Were you not listening when Wanda
told you not to tell anybody?

She trusted you not to say
anything to anyone.

Why in the world would you
tell Mindy Reiser?

I was trying to get
on her good side.

I guess what we should do
is have it here.

What?

Reschedule the benefit
and have it here.

Okay.

And I'll have to ask
the Braudys to come over.

The Braudys? No, no, no.
They're not coming, forget it.

They went way over
the line tonight.

Invite the Reisers,
not the Braudys.

Invite the Reisers
for spite.

This isn't a game, Larry.

Braudys "freaking."

Everything's "freaking" with this guy.
He can't say the word fuck?

I can understand why
they'd be upset, Larry.

Freaking asshole.

You don't gargle much,
do you?

It's fun.
You should think about it.

You should think
about how much money

you just lost for the NRDC.

N-E-S-T-L-E-S

Nestle's makes
the very best

Sorr-ry.

Hey, Larry, how come
you never told me?

I heard there was supposed
to be a terrorist attack

and you knew about it?
How come you never told me?

I wasn't allowed
to tell anyone.

You told somebody.

I mean, I found out.

So you could've
told me something.

I could... there were too many people,
I wasn't supposed to.

My kids could've been wiped out.
They go to school.

I'm sorry, but it's okay,
nothing happened.

I know, but something
could've happened.

We could've been
killed, you know?

- You could've given me a hint.
- Next time, I'll tell you.

Take your kids out of the school
or something like that.

I'll tell you next time,
I'm sorry.

You could've
said something.

Let me call you back.

- Do you have a minute?
- Yeah.

Larry, I can't believe
that you knew

there was a terrorist threat
and didn't tell me.

Here we go
with this again.

- Me?
- I couldn't tell anyone.

I'm the person that's here
for you five days a week.

I've taken your laundry
and dry cleaning.

I didn't tell a lot of people.
I only told one person.

- You've told me secrets before.
- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Now I have to have
everybody mad at me,

'cause I didn't tell
everybody I know?

It's not my fault,
I told one person.

Wanda is here,
she's in the restroom.

She'll be out in a minute.
She'd like to speak with you.

Hey, big mouth!

What did I tell you, Larry?

Do you think this'll get me
out of the dog house?

- This is hard to find.
- Can I smell that?

Yeah, oh yeah.
That's the one Wanda got.

That's it, yeah.
I hope it does the trick.

Paul and I spent the whole
weekend in Palm Springs.

- It was really a disruption.
- Yeah.

To pack up
and leave like that.

I'm sorry there wasn't an attack.

Well, Larry, I know that you had
the best of intentions.

But my God, it was
a huge inconvenience for us.

I was just trying
to save your life.

Yes, I know.
We drove three hours to the desert

with the dog and the cats.
Four Seasons was booked.

We ended up staying
at a Super Eight motel.

- It was awful.
- I'm sorry I mentioned anything.

I tried to be a nice guy,
I'm trying to save your life,

and you have a terrible
weekend on my account.

Larry, no, I understand.

It would've been nice if there was a
small explosion, where nobody got hurt.

A little firecracker
or something.

What happened with you?
How did the NRDC thing go?

- Not too good.
- What happened?

- Nobody showed up.
- Why not?

Everybody heard about
the terrorist attack

and left town.

Oh my God.

'Cause I didn't say anything,
I was wondering

if perhaps you had mentioned
something to anyone.

Why would I say anything?
You told me not to.

- Oh, that's terrible...
- Hey, it's Martin Short.

- Larry?
- I know him.

Larry! Lar...

Marty!

Larry! Oh my God,
Larry, how are you?

- Good. How you doing?
- I'm good. How are you?

Good. How's your show doing
on the Comedy Central?

You do that big fat guy...

- "Prime Time Glick."
- "Prime time Glick"?

How do you do that voice?
I try and do it at home.

It's ranges that go high
and then go very low.

"Ranges that go high
and then go very low."

But you're not going low...
high, very high.

Very high...

No, that sounds
like Miss Piggy.

It's not that at all.

It's much more...
not to pat myself on the back,

much more original.

Oh, my goodness,
Larry David.

"Oh, my goodness,
Larry David."

- How wonderful to see you.
- "How wonderful to see yoo-ou."

You have that kind of
flat New Yawk thing.

Well, let me try
one more time.

High, and then low.

And then be stunned
in the middle.

No, now you've had a stroke.

You don't want to play a stroke victim,
'cause that's... urrgh!

Oh, Jesus.
You know what?

I left her hanging in the store.
She's gonna be mad.

There are more impersonations
I'd love to teach you.

- Well, good to see you.
- Okay. Good to see you, Larry.

Pick it up...
just a little closer.

We may not even
need this actually.

- I don't know about that.
- I don't know.

The acoustics are great
in this house.

And you would
know because...

We often have Friday night
services here.

Oh, my God,
this is so exciting.

I am so excited.

I'm acting like I'm not thrilled
to be sitting here with you,

but I am just out
of my mind right now.

Me too, I've been
urinating all day.

Really? That's the effect
I often have on people.

You've got
to be kidding me?!

They invited
the Reisers and not us?

I don't know what I'm gonna do,
but I'm gonna do something.

Thank you.

Thanks for coming over.
I can't wait for tonight.

Yeah, me too.
I'll see you guys.

Okay,
see you later.

All right.

Hey, you gonna do,
"You Oughta Know"?

We can.
You want that one?

Yeah.
That would be good.

We haven't done it in a while
so we can do it...

the unplugged
version.

A lot of discussion
about that song.

Yeah, nonstop
for a while.

It's dying down
a little bit, thank God.

You never tell
anybody, huh?

No. I purposely
don't tell anybody

because it's not what
the song is written for.

Sure, I understand.
Ever want to unburden yourself,

I just want you
to know...

I won't tell a soul
I won't even tell her.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

You guys don't have pillow talk
where you divulge things?

When people tell me something,
they only tell me.

- They don't tell both of us.
- All right, that's cool.

I haven't really told anyone.
It would be maybe

good to...
I'll tell you.

But you can't
tell anybody.

Don't worry,
I won't say a word.

Hmm, interesting.

So that's who it is.
I'll see you later.

- All right, see you later.
- Yeah, bye.

What did I miss?

She was telling me what songs
she'll do and all that.

Oh, okay.

I'll make these guys
a sandwich real quick.

- Do you want something?
- No.

- No, you're good?
- Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

Why don't you guys
come back here with me?

- I'll see what I can do.
- Thanks. Cool.

- Jesus.
- You didn't even freaking look.

You come flying
down the hill...

You were going a 1,000 miles
an hour on the left side.

What is this, Australia?

- Are you okay?
- Yes, I'm okay. My neck hurts.

This is a Cadillac,
a CTS, a brand new car.

You're trying to sabotage
the event, aren't you?

- By the way, thanks for inviting us.
- Freak you!

- Freak you!
- Freak you!

But this won't work now
the way it once did

And I won't keep it up,
even though I would love to

Once I know who I'm not,
then I'll know who I am

But I know
I won't keep on

Playing the victim.

Thank you so much.
Under the circumstances...

Mindy Reiser's been
snubbing me all night.

- She has?
- She won't even look at me.

- Because of the Martin Short thing?
- Yeah.

I turned it around,
and then I do it again.

I think we have one song left
that was specially requested.

It's called
"You Oughta Know."

It goes something
like this.

I want you to know

That I'm happy
for you...

Excuse me, sir.
Excuse me.

The best
for you both...

I know who this song
is about.