Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - The Nanny from Hell - full transcript

My... this is really
coming along here.

Hey, I'll take
a Seven and Seven.

- What are you doing?
- A little plumbing.

A little plumbing.
Got to plumb.

Plumb the depths...

the depths of hell.

What is this thing,
marble, this bar?

Yeah.

Ever schlep marble?

You ought to try
schlepping marble one day.

It's a schlep.



Okay, so you just
sign these two, okay?

- Lou-man.
- How are you?

Good, how are you doing?

I gotta talk to the meat guy,
see you guys later.

Larry, hey, I am
so glad you came in.

Hello, Hugh.

I have invited everybody...
all the other investors,

over to my house
for a pool party,

and I had hoped to invite you
and here you are.

- Everybody's going?
- Yep, yeah.

- Terrific.
- And now you.

All right, all right.

Well, that's terrific.
Hopefully see you Sunday.

Hey, Hugh...
that sounds funny.



Didn't you tell me that you're the head
of Mellon-Ritter Publishing?

And you do "Bartlett's
Quotations," right?

That is the flagship
of our fleet, yeah.

Okay, 'cause my friend,
Richard Lewis,

wants to get into
"Bartlett's Quotations."

He has a quotable quote?

He coined the phrase,
"The blank from hell."

- That's his?
- Absolutely.

It's been around
for some time.

No, that's his.
"The blank from hell," yeah.

You know, like,
the "woman from hell" or...

- The "mother-in-law from hell," yeah.
- Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, I will, I'll run this by
my partner..."The blank from hell."

- Yeah.
- Look forward to seeing you Sunday.

Okay.

Hey. How are you?

- Good.
- So what's going on, man?

- You going to his pool party?
- Yeah, I am, yeah, I am.

Wearing a bathing suit?
You going swimming?

- Speedo. Speedo.
- Speedo?

Yeah. Listen, I am bringing
somebody there.

- Good for you.
- Yeah, Susie.

- Ah...!
- Yeah, yeah, I know...

Uh-huh.

Keep this under wraps,
'cause this is...

I shouldn't say anything
'cause this is not...

you can tell Cheryl.
That's it, okay?

Susie's pregnant.

Yeah, so I'm moving back in.

I get to move back
into my house, if...

the only thing that stinks
is that stupid dog

that I'm allergic to.
Other than that I'm very happy.

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, it's all good. It's very good.

Oh, yeah,
it sounds great.

No, it is, it's really good.
It's good, trust me.

It'll all be fine.

Well, all right, welcome back
to the married people's club.

Oh, we're all so happy.

I was saying to my wife,
"You should let me date,

because it'll bring us much closer.
I'll come home,

we'll talk about the date.
You'll say, 'How did the date go? '

I'll say, 'Oh, I couldn't stand her,
she did this and that"'...

the way you talk
to a guy about it.

So we'd have a good laugh
and then we'd have sex

- and we'd have a good time.
- You and your wife would have sex?

Yeah, after I told her about my date.

But what if you ended up
getting laid from the date?

I'd tell her about that too.
"We went back to her place,

we had sex and I had to make up
an excuse to leave and whatever."

That's beautiful.
I like that.

- Perfect world.
- Yeah.

Hey, look at this.

- Aw-ww.
- "Going out of business."

Where are we gonna buy our bread?
Our favorite bakery.

What's going on? You guys
are going out of business?

- Yep, we just lost the lease.
- Oh, what a shame.

- I know, it's horrible.
- Oh, too bad.

We got here just in time,
didn't we?

We're still in business.
We're thriving.

Great.

All right, well, we need something
for our little pool party.

Yeah, we need
probably a cake, right?

Mmm-hmm,
sponge-cake.

Wait, wait, wait,
are you kidding me?

Nobody's gonna eat that.

This is the best
sponge-cake in town.

I know what I'm talking about.

It's so moist,
it's like eating a sponge.

Okay, listen,
why don't we...

why don't we go with this one?
It looks better and it's...

We'll get... trust me
on this one, okay?

The sponge-cake.
Yeah, we'll take that.

We'll take it,
but no one's gonna eat it.

- How much is that?
- This is $12.95.

- What?
- $12.95.

No wonder you're
going out of business.

He's got some place here,
Mellon, huh?

You know, it's a little
ostentatious.

- Oh, Jeffrey.
- This is so good.

- Unbelievable.
- Thank you.

It's like eating
a delicious sponge.

"It's like eating a delicious sponge."
Did I tell you?

I haven't seen sponge-cake since
my grandmother's mah jong game.

That doesn't mean
it's not good.

- Where'd you get it?
- They're going out of business.

But where, tell me?

It's moot, they're going
out of business.

- That's not moot.
- How's that not moot?

- It's not moot.
- It is moot.

They're going out
of business, Jeff.

What do you
need to know?

- It's not a moot point.
- All right, it's Butterman's.

That's a good bakery.
They're going out of business?

- Yeah.
- That's a shame, those poor people.

Maybe they're retiring.

I don't know. Anyway,
where's the bathroom?

You have to use the cabana.
They won't let you in the house.

What?

No, they won't
let you in the house.

They want people
to use the cabana bathroom.

- Come on.
- He's special.

He thinks the rules
don't apply to him.

- This is unbelievable sponge-cake.
- Jeff.

Hi, you having
a good time?

Oh, yeah, I just need
to use the bathroom.

The cabana across
from the pool,

they have
the restroom in there.

Can't I go in here?

Sorry, I can't.
Outside sandbox only.

Straight over there.
There's plenty of toilet paper.

Why can't I go?
I'm not wet or anything.

I'm not gonna dirty the house.
I'll wipe my feet.

I'd love to make a concession...

- An exception?
- An exception. But I can't,

'cause I'll get in trouble
by Mr. Mellon, so...

I know Mr. Mellon.
I wouldn't worry about it, okay?

- You know Hugh?
- I know Hugh and it's no problem.

- I'll get in trouble.
- You won't.

I'll take care of the whole thing.
I really have to go.

- I don't want any trouble.
- There's no trouble, don't worry.

It'll take two seconds.
This is fine. This is silly.

It's just a bathroom.

You're gonna go
number one, right?

- Yes. I'll be done in two seconds.
- Just number one!

- Larry.
- Hugh.

- Tell me you're enjoying yourself.
- No!

Glad you could make it.

Larry, how did you
get into the bathroom?

I sweet-talked
my way in there.

Nobody can turn down
the David charm once I turn it on.

Do you know what I'd do if I had
to go? Sprint and run her over.

Meanwhile, have you seen anybody
from the restaurant here?

Nope, nope, only us.

Ted Danson's not here?
What about Michael York?

No, we're the only idiots
to accept these invitations.

- Yeah.
- Right?

Nobody from the restaurant?
I can't even believe it.

- Why did we have to come?
- We came, we're good this way.

"Oh, hello, Johnny."

What?

Look what's going on
with this kid.

Wow.

Honestly, it's huge.

It's bigger than mine.
He's got a bigger penis than me.

Isn't that Hugh's kid?

Oy vey is mir.

Let's just go.
Let's just go.

- Go? It's circus freak show.
- Circus freak show.

You know what?
Cheryl's right, let's go.

It's like a freak show...

We got a freak show here.
Where are you going?

Please, it's not funny.

Gee.

That's it right there.

All right.

This is unbelievable.

What?

They stuff you in
like sardines here.

The guy deserves
to make a living.

This is gonna be a great lunch.
Look at this.

Relax, man, just relax.

I can't even talk.
You can't say anything.

Direct it right to me.

It's like having
a "whisper lunch."

- It's a whisper lunch.
- Like the Mafia thing.

I have a dental appointment
tomorrow at 3:00.

Hey, I spoke
to the Hugh Mellon guy.

- You spoke with him?
- I spoke to him about your quote,

"The blank from hell."

And he's interested.
He'll talk to his partner.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You might get
into Bartlett's.

Number one,
this lunch is on me.

It's about time I get
credit for this thing.

- Absolutely.
- But the right way.

So he's, he actually...

He's positive?
Does he feel good that it's me?

He actually...
knew of the quote,

but he didn't really attribute it
to you. He just thought it was...

He didn't attribute it to me?

That really pisses me off
that I don't get credit for that.

Absolutely,
I don't blame you.

And at the pool party
I told him about your special.

Right.

And I invited him to the HBO
screening tomorrow night.

So he's gonna come
if it's okay with you.

Yeah, I'll be able
to milk him a little bit.

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

No, that's cool.

Have you been
getting all this?

- Been getting all this?
- I'm eating my lunch.

This is the lunch from hell.

What did you say?

I'm saying, this is
the lunch from hell.

Where'd you hear
that expression?

- Girlfriend?
- You see what I mean?

This kills me.

Okay, guys, so what
happened at Alsace?

Alsace, s'il vous pla?t.

- "Alsace," whatever.
- He doesn't want to work with us.

I saw that.

What did you see?

I had a little problem with
this woman and her husband

who kind of came
after me and...

What about Ted's guy?
What about Josh?

Josh cooked a beautiful meal,
but Larry didn't like it.

It was a little saucy,
a little saucy.

- We have no chef?
- No chef.

- How long?
- We open in two weeks.

We basically stopped looking
after we got Randy.

So we're back to square one.

You got arms on your chair?

You've got arms on your chair.
Look at that.

- What?
- One second.

- I got no arms, what is that?
- What are you doing?

I'm just getting
a chair with arms.

Larry, what are you doing?
You want to focus?

We're in this mess
'cause you took our chef

for your own
little personal party.

At least I was at
the pool party yesterday.

I'm trying to be
part of this thing.

- The what?
- I had a pool party yesterday.

Jeff and I were the only ones
who showed up.

It was a little
embarrassing, yeah.

I think you all
owe him an apology.

I told you I couldn't make it.
I'm glad you had a good time.

Hugh, I'm sorry,
I wrote the wrong date in my book.

I was tied up
at the last minute.

We have no chef.

It was a good party.
We had a great time.

Thank you for coming.

Enough about parties,
what about chefs?

We need to take responsibility
for getting a chef.

Absolutely. Make a concerted
effort together, please.

When I need a new editor
I get him, beg, borrow or steal.

I go out, raid, get...
we need to do that with a chef.

I was in this restaurant the other day,
it was a coffee shop.

And for some reason
I had a side dish of applesauce.

I have to tell you
it was really fantastic.

It was so tasty.
And I'm thinking

they never serve
applesauce in restaurants

and it could really be...

if and when
the time comes for us

to be thinking about stuff
like this as a side dish.

We're gonna write that down.
Very helpful.

When you look for your chef,

Make sure they know
a little about applesauce.

You buy it at a supermarket.
It comes in a jar.

We should consider it for the menu.
Encourage people even.

I think we're good,
I got to go to a meeting.

Everybody's
gonna look, right?

If anyone finds
anything out, call.

It's a very underrated side dish,
that's my point.

It's an underrated side dish.

Did you really just sign
Sarah Jessica Parker

to a recording contract?

Yeah, why not?

I want to show solidarity,
but otherwise...

It's gonna work out.
Don't worry about it.

It's only money.
Big deal.

Yeah, my money, Larry.
See you later.

- Excellent.
- Love to meet with you, Hugh.

- Bye bye.
- All right.

Thank you
so much for coming.

Oh, please, we had
a wonderful time.

It's too bad these other
schlubs couldn't...

- They missed a good party.
- Yeah, they sure did.

The weather worked out,
it was great.

It was a little rude
on their part, I thought.

I don't care.

So at the pool yesterday,
I saw your son.

The kid's got some penis on him.
He's pretty good.

What are you saying?

Your son, his penis.

What are you saying
that to me for?

Hey, it's a compliment.
What's the big deal?

What's the "compliment"?

How is it bad? He's got a nice,
big penis, so what?

I'm not talking about
your wife's tits. This is rude.

You could say my wife has nice tits
as long as it's complimentary.

Come on, Hugh.

Hugh, not "you,"
Hugh, okay?

H-yoo...

Hugh.

I'm sorry you're having
such a hard time.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

You remember Martine,
the Mellons' nanny?

From the pool party.

Yeah, she's having
a bit of a problem.

A problem, I'll say.
Mr. Mellon fired me.

It's my suitcase,
it doesn't have wheels.

Oh.

So she came over here.

It seems that one
of the guests

felt the cabana bathroom
was beneath him

and made his way
into the main house.

How did he find out?

Margarita the cook.

She's got a problem with me.

She told that I was the person
that let the guest in.

- She squealed on you?
- She ratted!

- And he fired you?
- And he fired me.

Of course I remember
what you said about, you know,

you would be responsible
if anything happened.

Did you tell him
that it was me?

No, I don't "dime,"
I didn't dime.

So I remember
when I let you in,

you said, "If there's
any problem," I think,

"I'll take care of it."
So here I am.

I'm gonna have
to hold you to that

'cause I don't
have another job.

So I am homeless.

- Except I don't stink.
- Okay.

Your home is big.

You know what,
Martine? I bet...

Mr. David can do something
about this situation.

- I hope so.
- Yeah.

Is there any way that you could
maybe talk to Mr. Mellon

and straighten things out?
Because I think

if you spoke with him,
I don't know...

he would take me back.
I'm a pretty good nanny.

- All right.
- I brought my suitcase

so if there's any problem,
I can just stay here.

There won't be a problem.

- Larry will take care of it.
- Oh, I hope so.

Ahem... well...

that's a really good idea
and ordinarily I would,

but Hugh and I have had
kind of a falling-out.

What happened?

Well, I was in
the restaurant earlier and...

we got to talking
about the party.

I happened to mention that I caught
a glimpse of his son's penis and...

How about that thing?

It's huge!

- It was the wrong thing to do.
- It probably was.

Anyway, like I was saying,
it's gonna be difficult...

to talk to him.

Why would you
do that, Larry?

I took a risk.

You know what?
I think you won't have a problem

finding another job.

People in this town
love nannies.

- They need them.
- Yeah.

I'll need Mr. Mellon as a reference
if I get another nanny job.

He was my only reference,
that was my first nanny job.

- Oh.
- What did you do before that?

Before that, I worked
at Magic Mountain

in the "Looney Tunes" Lodge
for 15 years.

It's where the "Looney Tunes"
characters would come out

and sign autographs for kids.

You know, Jeff and I

went there once
with his daughter.

- You did?
- I went in there.

And that song,
that theme is played...

- They play it all the time.
- It was fun.

Can I talk to you in the kitchen
for just a second?

Sure.

I told you not to use
that bathroom.

Why did she
come over here?

Obviously she thinks
I'm responsible

for getting her fired
and has no place to go.

She brought her suitcase,
did you see that?

- I saw it.
- She thinks she's staying here?

I don't know what she thinks.

I don't want the nanny
from hell in my house.

Where did you hear that...
"the blank from hell"?

That expression?

My dad used to say it
all the time.

You know, everything
was "from hell."

- No, see, that's Richard Lewis'.
- It's not Richard Lewis'.

My dad has been saying that...

Richard Lewis
coined that, Cheryl.

The point is, I do not
want her here, okay?

You wouldn't believe
what she's been telling me

for the last 20 minutes.
She's full of non-sequiturs.

She tells me
she likes to pet horses.

She enjoys
a good corn dog.

Enjoys a good corn dog?

She takes baths
with her socks on.

Honestly, she's got a screw
loose somewhere.

She's maybe a little eccentric,
but she seems harmless.

Wait a second.

Jeff needs a nanny.

Susie's pregnant.
Their nanny just left.

- Susie's pregnant?
- I haven't told you.

She's pregnant.
That's why he moved back.

But they're looking
for a nanny.

- You're not gonna suggest her?
- Well, why not?

You know nothing about her.

She was a good nanny.

She didn't get fired
for being a bad nanny.

She got fired for letting me
use the bathroom.

If they don't like her,
they don't have to use her.

Right, they could meet her and...

We're doing them a favor.

This is a win-win
situation. Win-win.

You know, we gotta stop off
and get some sponge-cake.

- Okay.
- It's my friend's birthday.

- I'll buy him sponge-cake.
- There you go.

- You like sponge-cake?
- Who doesn't?

How many sponge-cakes
do you have left?

I have a dozen left.

- A dozen?
- Yeah.

Okay... I'll take them all.

- Okay. All of them?
- Yeah.

I don't have
any more boxes.

That's okay. Put them
in Saran Wrap or something.

- I can do that.
- Okay, great.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Hey!

What are you doing?

Take it easy.
They're free.

- Here, get the bell.
- I got my hands full too.

Look at me.

- Hello.
- Hi!

This is Martine, the nanny
I was telling you about.

Hi, Martine,
I'm Susie Greene.

What the fuck is this?
What are these?

- Oh, sponge-cakes.
- What do you mean, sponge-cakes?

It's a birthday
present for Jeff.

Larry, he's not
fat enough as it is?

He needs this many?
This is ridiculous.

It's from Butterman's.
They're going out of business.

The sponge-cakes from the party
he loved so much.

He loved it so much
to have a slice,

not 25. How many are there?
It's ridiculous.

- They can last five years.
- What, am I gonna freeze them?

They're not even in boxes.
Where are the boxes?

They're out of boxes.
They only had Saran Wrap.

So they wrapped them up
and you brought them here?

You don't understand.
They're going out of business.

Larry, he's gonna explode.
He's fat!

...never going
to be made again, this is it.

I understand.
Should I care?

- Hey, congratulations.
- Congratulations on what?

The baby.
Congratulations.

How did you know
about that?

- A big bird told me.
- You knew I was pregnant?

- What?
- Jeff told you I was pregnant?

- Well, I didn't...
- It's bad luck!

- In the first three months...
- That's a silly superstition.

And you told her?
I don't even know her.

Who the hell is she?
It's not your fault...

- I didn't tell you...
- Yes, you did.

You know what?
All right, look,

why don't you come in and
we'll have a little interview?

You look like
a lovely woman.

This might work out...
I don't know

what you want me to do.
I have no place to put them.

I don't have a freezer
that's adequate for this.

Put them down
in the kitchen.

Put them in the kitchen.
Martine, dear, come in.

- Okay.
- Okay?

- How are you doing?
- I'm nauseated.

It's gonna be great.
It's gonna be great.

You already did it.
It's not a live performance.

It's already...
you already filmed it.

You're gonna sit there.
It's good, I've seen it.

- HBO likes it, right?
- Yeah, they do like it.

So there you go.
Are they here now?

No, they don't come.

No, they see it
in their private homes.

"The privacy of their homes"?

Is that the proper way
of saying that sentence?

You know, you're like
an English language cop.

It's unbelievable.
By the way, I was thinking,

maybe you can introduce me
to that Bartlett's guy.

Maybe I could schmooze
a little bit before the special.

Yeah, well, there's a little
problem with that.

What do you mean?

I don't know if you'll get
that quote in.

- I'm not sure anymore.
- Why?

He talked to him
about the penis.

- I broached the subject.
- Why would you do that?

I was just curious.

- Now I'm not gonna get in.
- Not the Bartlett's.

You're kidding,
is she okay?

You should never have
brought it up, Larry. Fuck.

All right,
I'll be right home.

Your nanny
attacked Susie.

What?

Is she okay?

Hey, do you want me to...?

This whole night
is turning out to... oh, Christ.

- Don't worry, we'll call.
- Should I go?

- I can't watch this now.
- Go?

If you leave me now,
I collapse.

You "clapse"?

Yeah, I'll collapse.

What's wrong with...
yeah, I mean...

- I need you here.
- You say it the same way I do.

- "Collapse," I say.
- No, "C-L-A-P-S-E."

You don't say "co-llapse,"
you say "claps."

- Who's that?
- That's the kid.

- That's the "porn baby"?
- That's the porn baby.

Why is the porn baby here?

Because he fired his nanny.
He doesn't have a nanny.

He has to take care
of the kid now.

I don't want a little kid
watching my specials.

His father's here too,
so I guess he decided to come.

I don't want a baby
in the screening.

That's a good sign
for the quote.

He's here, he came.

Oh, Christ,
that really was great,

but it's too much
and it threw me.

Shh, shh, shh.

I took some time off and
I was a little burned out.

- I hate this show.
- It's a grown-up show.

I have to sit through your cartoons,
you watch this one.

- I want popcorn.
- It's not that kind of theater.

- I want a soda.
- Hey, shh.

Shh, yourself.

You shush. Shush!

- You shh, "poopyhead."
- No, you shush, dodo brain.

- You're a dodo brain.
- You're a dodo brain.

No, these are all new
and improved dysfunctions.

- I want to go home.
- As soon as it's over, we'll go home.

- Shh, quiet.
- You be quiet, big nose.

- Look who's talking.
- Don't talk to my kid, okay?

Why don't you get Uncle Miltie
out of here so we can watch this?

- You're stupid.
- You're stupid.

- You're more stupid.
- You're much, much stupider.

- No, I'm not, you are.
- No, you are.

Don't speak to us again, all right?
I'm warning you.

He wouldn't be here
if you didn't fire that nanny.

I wouldn't have had to fire her
if some asshole didn't bribe her.

Fuck h-yoo.

Fuck you.

Fuck Hugh!

Hugh!

Hugh!

Everything okay?
I called three times last night.

I haven't checked the messages.
I've been unbelievably busy.

- How is she doing? Is she okay?
- Go up and ask her.

- Is the baby...?
- She's upstairs. Go up and ask her.

Superstition... she was right,
you never should have told me.

Larry, come in.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry
about the nanny and everything.

Larry, that nanny,
she was a sicko.

She was a mental case.
She was sick.

What, the nanny?
Oh my God.

- She was mentally ill.
- I didn't know anything about that,

or I'd never have
recommended her.

No, of course. Why would you
send me a sicko?

Why would I do that?
That would make me deranged.

Well, she needs to be
put away, this woman.

Well, what happened?

I left Sammy alone
in her room watching TV.

All of a sudden,
she starts screaming.

Mommy! Mommy!

I ran in... the nanny...

is like watching
some "Looney Tunes" cartoon

- and went crazy.
- Oh, yeah. You know why?

She worked at that
"Looney Tunes" Lodge for 15 years

and she kept hearing
that song over and over.

Yeah, yeah.

She must have snapped
from hearing it.

Larry, she went crazy,
I'm telling you.

- She started going wacky.
- What did she do?

She starts fighting with me.

She grabbed my arm.

She starts pulling me
back and forth.

All of a sudden, I'm fighting
with this crazy woman.

I mean, physically fighting.

Next thing I knew,
we were out on the deck.

Out on the deck?

Yeah, like struggling
and fighting.

Oh my God.
And then what happened?

She pushed me
over the rail.

This crazy woman
pushed me over the rail.

She was trying to kill me!

Well, how...

Here's the thing, Lar.

My fall was broken by...

12 sponge-cakes.