Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Club Soda and Salt - full transcript

Larry, Jeff, and Ted scramble to find a chef for the new restaurant, but Larry doesn't like Ted's recommendation. While trying to find a replacement, Larry learns a few things - Cheryl has a new, male, tennis playing friend, people won't take a wedding gift after a year, and that club soda and salt will get stains out of anything.

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My agent calls, he has
an audition for me for a biker.

- Right.
- So, I'm just psyched,

and I get my "Hell's Angels"
jacket on and my leather,

and I bust into the room.
And there's 30 actors

with bicycle shorts on...
the spandex ones...

and little gloves,
and I'm just going, "Oh, brutal."

- Hi.
- Hi.

You remember Brad,
or you... this is Brad.

- Hey, Brad.
- Gosh, I didn't even hear you come in.

You were laughing hard.
I guess you couldn't hear the door.

That was funny.



He was telling me
some bad audition stories.

- It's hard being an actor.
- It is, it is.

- It's not too bad.
- No, you seem to be doing all right.

Yeah.

Well... you know,
you guys continue.

I'll go upstairs, no big deal,
and I'll talk to you later.

- What are you talking about?
- No, I gotta go, I got an audition.

Yeah, no,
I gotta go.

And I will see you Thursday
and we'll do it again.

- Yeah, all right.
- Thanks for the beer.

- Yeah.
- Okay, take it easy.

Bye, Brad.

- See ya.
- Bye.

You know, I'm thinking,
maybe I'll go out and get myself



a heterosexual single woman
to play golf with.

Oh, Larry, are you a little jealous?
What's going on?

No, I'm not jealous.
I'm just saying I'm gonna...

I can't have a friend?

- You're pretty naive.
- We can't play tennis...?

Play tennis, I don't care.
He still wants to sleep with you.

He's attracted to you,
and he wants to have sex with you.

- You don't think he does?
- No, I don't think he does.

- You don't know anything about men.
- Is that right?

That's right, yeah.

You know what? I wouldn't even
be playing tennis with him

if you played tennis with me.

You want to play tennis with me?
I'll play tennis with you, fine.

Okay.

Yeah, call him up,
say you're playing tennis

- with me on Thursday.
- All right, I will.

- All right.
- That'll be lovely.

Boy, the restaurant's
looking good.

- Looks great.
- Yeah, I know, wow.

Yeah, three weeks away.
You happy you did it?

This is very cool.
I'm glad you talked me into it.

Yeah, how you doing?

Yesterday I get home,
and there's this guy in my living room

who plays tennis with my wife.
He's an actor.

I said, it's wrong.

She's got this, what,
this heterosexual friend?

- Why is he at your house?
- Why is he at my house? Exactly.

She said, "Then you play
tennis with me."

So, I said, "Okay,
I'll play tennis with you."

Now I got to play
tennis with her.

That's better than him
pulling something.

- Huh?
- Better than...

- Hey! What the hell?
- Oh, jeez.

Is that coffee?
Give me table salt, we've got a spill.

Give me a towel.

- Wow.
- All right.

What are you doing?

This is an old
restaurant trick.

You got to dilute
the stain with club soda.

Pour club soda
on the stain

and then you
put on table salt.

Club soda
and then salt, huh?

- That's gonna get that stain out?
- Um-hmm, um-hmm.

Get out of here.
Really?

This has to set a few minutes,
then it'll be fine.

- Is that so?
- Oh, yes.

Well, I love that.

- Hey, Larry?
- Hey, Randy.

We need to talk.

- You got a minute?
- Sure.

Hey, Randy.

Hey, Jeff.

I'm out, guys.

What do you mean,
what are you talking about?

- Out? Out of what?
- I can't do this.

I can't cook in this restaurant.
I'm no good, I suck.

What?
That's ridiculous.

- You cooked at my house last week.
- It was delicious.

You don't want me.
I'm doing you a big favor, believe me.

What is this about, the peanuts?
Is that what this is about?

That didn't help,
because a lot of cooks...

it's frowned on
when they poison someone.

- Is it because he asked for ketchup?
- I always have ketchup.

- No...
- My mom gave me ketchup.

He loves ketchup, so what?
You can't go by him.

Where's this coming from?
What are you talking about?

It's coming
from the pressure.

This is going to be
a big celebrity restaurant,

I've been reading the publicity.

- It's making me nuts, I can't sleep.
- What?!

This place is gonna
get reviewed, you know.

You've built this up
in your imagination. This is crazy.

Look, I'm really sorry.
It is not me. Can't do it.

Just... I'm sorry.
Can't.

Hey, Randy.

Look, man, I'm sorry,
I'm really sorry.

What?

Huh.

He just quit.

Randy just quit?
Wh-why?

He was upset, he didn't feel
like he can do it.

He felt inadequate and didn't think
he was a good cook,

and all the pressure
of the restaurant opening...

- He doesn't want to be reviewed.
- And all the publicity...

- A chef doesn't want to be reviewed?
- Doesn't want to be reviewed.

Was it the whole peanut thing?
Is that what upset him?

No, we never mentioned
the peanut thing.

No, he feels pressure.

Do we have any ideas,

like, three weeks away,
what are we gonna do?

Find somebody. I don't know anybody,
but we'll find somebody.

I don't know anybody, no.

Wait a minute. Josh.
Josh would be great.

The guy who cooks for us at home.
He'd be fabulous.

If we could
come over and try it.

Yeah.

Obviously we'd have to come over
and sample it, right?

Yeah, come on over
and you can sample it.

Oh, yes,
he's a great cook.

- You don't want to hold him back, huh?
- No, no.

Oh, my God!

He got it all out.
The stain's gone.

Club soda and salt.

The trick is to get to the stain
before it dries.

Whatever happened
to that...

that place
for your parents?

I'm getting them
that apartment on Barrington.

All right.

- Oh...!
- You know what?

I swear to you I'm gonna kill you
when that ball hits me.

So, my mother will start
getting that new treatment

at Cedars-Sinai and hopefully
she'll get better and they'll go home.

Hey, Melanie, Ed.

Hey, how are
you guys doing?

Hey, good.
Lawrence.

It's so good to see you.

Hi.

- You guys look good.
- Thanks.

- Thank you.
- Just playing some tennis.

- Playing some tennis, yeah.
- So are we.

It's good
to see you guys.

Thank you.

- All right.
- Yeah, have a good game.

- Yes. You too.
- Bye bye.

What the hell was that?

I don't know.

She was acting like
she doesn't even know me.

When was the last time
you called her?

I don't know, about
three months ago, maybe?

Uh-huh.

Oh, my God.

You know, we never
really bought 'em a wedding gift.

And it's been over a year.

- Yeah, it's over a year.
- How did we forget a wedding gift?

We should just
pick something up.

- You know, I don't want...
- Fine, we'll get them...

Every time we run into them
I don't want it to be like that.

But it's ridiculous to harbor a grudge
because we didn't get a present.

We went out of our way
to fly to Chicago to their wedding.

We should pick
something up for them.

Buy 'em a car.

You okay?

- Is that good?
- It was out.

- That was out?
- Yeah.

If we were playing doubles
it would've been good.

You know what?
You gotta stop the grunting.

What are you talking about?

You grunt on every shot.
Every shot you hit,

you, "Ungh! Ungh!"
You make this disgusting noise...

Ungh...!
You don't hear it?

- No.
- What do you mean, no?

That's how I play.
I didn't even know I was doing it.

You grunt every shot.
It's really annoying

and it's throwing me off.

Oh! Is that
why you're losing?

It sounds like pigs fucking.

How do you like this?
Would you like to listen to this, huh?

Ungh!

I don't mind it.

Ungh!

All right, that's the game.
And set.

I really think I've finally found
the perfect sock.

I'm not kidding.

'Cause it's not
exactly white.

You don't want a white sock.
It's sort of a...

Is this boring you?

I don't know.
If you had said to me,

"I found a perfect pair of socks,"
I'd go, "No kidding?

Where'd you get them?
What are they like?"

So, you know that play,
"Tony and Tina's Wedding"?

I think I might
go on Friday.

Oh.

- What?
- You don't want me to go with you?

I didn't know that you'd want to go.
I'm throwing it out there.

Why wouldn't I
want to go?

I enjoy the theater
as much as the next guy.

The characters mix in
with the audience.

- So what? I'm fine with that.
- You are?

- Yeah.
- Okay, good.

So how come you want
to go see that?

I've just heard
a lot about it...

you know, and Brad's in it.

So...

Oh.

What is wrong with you?

You're thinking
about going to see

"Tony and Tina's Wedding"
on Friday night,

and...

Brad is in it.

I want us to go see
"Tony and Tina's Wedding."

- Oh, do you?
- I do.

Yeah.
You know what?

Go see "Tony and Tina's Wedding."
That's fine.

No, I want us to go together.

Yeah, I heard
what you said.

- It wasn't that hard to figure out...
- I meant "we."

I'll just go see the show
and go home. Don't worry about me.

- Oh, no, listen...
- You and Brad can go have some beers.

- It's fine. Don't...
- I was saying, "we."

- It was the assumed "we."
- There was no assumed "we."

- You said "I."
- When I make plans, I think of us.

You're reading
things into it.

- I don't think I am.
- I think you are.

I think you're completely
reading things into this.

I don't think so.
You are so busted.

I am not.
Listen, I want to go with you.

No.

Don't you want
to go with me?

I don't know. It depends on
what you'll do for it.

- I'll do just about anything.
- Is that right?

Yeah, yeah.
Do you have a problem with that?

No, I like this.
Getting in trouble,

using sex to get out of it...
this is very good.

Okay, good, then
we're both happy.

Oh, shit!

All right, don't worry about it.
It's cranberry juice.

It's not gonna
come out anyway. Come here.

Oh, no, no, wait a second,
wait a second, wait a second.

I saw this at the restaurant today.
Club soda and salt!

Gets the whole
stain out.

You know what? It's an old rug.
Don't worry about it.

No, no, no.
Wait till you see this.

You're gonna be amazed.
Time's of the essence!

Where's the salt?!

- Where's the salt?!
- It's by the stove!

I hope I'm not too late.
That's the only thing I hope.

I hope I'm not too late.
Club soda, okay?

Put the club soda,
use very liberally,

do a tap-tap...
I saw him tap-tap.

Now the salt,
salt all over.

Don't spare the salt.

And you are gonna be amazed
at how this works.

That's it.
That's all you need to do.

And, we've...

still got a few minutes
till it dries.

Are you out
of your mind?

- Why?
- Are you kidding me?

Come on, we got a few minutes.
Gonna dry.

I gave you a window of opportunity
that has slammed closed.

What do you mean you gave me
a "window of opportunity"?

- Honey...
- What?

No.

All right.

When you get up
tomorrow morning,

that stain's
gonna be all gone.

You watch.

Hey. Come on in.

Hope you're hungry.

- How are you, Jeff?
- Good. How are you doing, man?

Good, good, good, good.
You're in for a treat.

He's very excited.
Hey, Josh!

- What are you talking about?
- He's so excited.

Hi, gentlemen.
How are you? I'm Josh.

Larry.

- Yeah, Jeff.
- Jeff, nice to meet you.

I just want to thank you
for the opportunity

for possibly being your chef
for the new restaurant.

I'm gonna run back in
and do some last-minute prep,

but I will see you in a bit.
Thank you.

- This is gonna be fun.
- What did you do?

What do you mean,
what did I do?

Why did you tell him that we were
coming for that purpose?

- What was I supposed to do?
- Tell him, "Friends over for dinner."

You didn't have to tell him
the whole thing.

- What's the big deal?
- An audition's a lot of pressure.

We have three weeks,
that's a lot of pressure. This is not...

He's a good cook.
Relax, come enjoy.

Come on, seriously.
You're impossible.

Pass the...
salt, please?

That's a nice shirt.

Yeah, my mom
got it for me.

She dropped it off
at the office.

What is that?
A velour or something?

Don't know.
It's very comfortable.

All right, all right,
what do you think? Come on.

- Food? Great!
- Yeah?

Yeah, great.
He knows his stuff.

- He really does meat well.
- Tender.

- You were right, good call.
- Thank you, thank you.

What do you think,
Larry?

Eh.

What do
you mean, "Eh"?

Eh.

- You're crazy.
- You walked in with this attitude.

- I didn't walk in with any attitude.
- You did too.

- Just 'cause I told him before.
- That's bullshit.

You have no idea
what you're talking about.

- Why do you say that?
- 'Cause you weigh eight pounds.

What do you know about food?

Thin people know more
about food than fat people.

I have more food experience
than you, my friend.

Let me tell you something, okay?

I never got laid a lot,
but that doesn't mean

the guy who got laid more than me
appreciated it any more.

What the hell does that
have to do with anything?

A guy who gets laid a lot
knows more about...

He might know more about sex
but he doesn't appreciate it any more.

I appreciate it.

You know, you are
such a pain in the ass.

All right, fine. What are we gonna do?
What do you want to do?

We'll just have to find somebody
who we all agree on.

No, I mean, what do you
want to do about Josh?

He worked his heart out
for this meal.

Well, you know, what are we
supposed to do?

We can't hire him
if we don't all agree on it.

- All right, fine, you tell him.
- I don't have to tell him.

Josh!

Gentlemen, how was everything?
Did you enjoy your lamb?

- Wonderful.
- It was delicious.

Good. Did you enjoy the plum,
apricot, and mint chutney?

The chutney
was amazing.

Thank you
very much. Yes?

Larry has something
he wants to tell you.

Yes, Larry?

It was good.

I just don't think it's...

quite right
for the restaurant, though.

What was
wrong with it?

A little saucy.
A little too saucy.

"Saucy"?

Yeah, kind of saucy.

Was there anything else?

Mmm... not really.

I guess dessert's
out of the question.

- No, I'll still take dessert.
- I'll take dessert too.

Okay.

And you have decaf?

I'd love a decaf too.
A little bit of skim milk.

- Ted...?
- No.

Okay.

What should we get for their
wedding present?

I love how these people
take their shopping carts

bring 'em home and leave them there.
What is that?

So, I was thinking

maybe that store
on Montana Avenue.

You know, I really
don't like not driving.

You should've let me drive.

It's my car.

On the way back,
I'm gonna drive.

Why?

I don't feel I have
a personality in this seat.

No, really.
I feel very... dull.

Mm-hmm.

You want me to sing,
or you want the radio?

I think I'd rather
the radio.

All right.

- What is this, a tape?
- Um-hmm.

What are you doing with a tape?
I thought you only buy CDs.

Actually, a friend
loaned it to me.

Who is this?

It's Al Green.

Who gave you
this tape?

Brad.

It's good, isn't it?

You oughta be with me...

"You oughta be with me"?
Is that what he's saying?

- You oughta be with me
- "You oughta be with me."

That's what he's singing about?

What is wrong with you?

Wait, Brad gives you a tape?
An Al Green tape...

"You oughta be with me"?

You know what,
I don't know...

I swear to God, this thing
gets worse every time.

No, listen...

Every day, this story is getting
worse and worse and worse.

All right.

What about
a nice bowl, huh?

You know what?
They've probably got tons of bowls.

I'm sure they were
registered somewhere.

Everybody likes a good bowl
for cereal and...

I feel like I'm not gonna
find anything in here.

Because they probably
have all this stuff, right?

- Dishes and stemware...
- There's not much in here.

Why don't we just get them
a nice piece of fish?

We should just go next door
to that wine shop

and get an expensive
bottle of wine. Let's do that.

- How expensive?
- 200, 250?

I don't know.
It's got to be a good one,

- they'll know the difference.
- Oh, of course they will.

All right,
are you coming?

What, between this
and a wine store? No, I'll stay here.

All right,
I'll be right back.

Okay.

Hi. What can I
help you find?

Oh, nothing, you know,
I'm just browsing.

Yeah, you got that
"bewildered" look.

I know it's a lot to take in.
We'll just...

- No, I'm okay.
- If we narrow it down...

You know what?
I appreciate it.

I'm not really shopping.
I'm kind of browsing.

If I need help,
I'll let you know.

- Oh, take your time.
- Okay, thank you.

Oh, all the napkin rings
in the store are 10% off.

Just this week.
Not just these,

there's a million more.
They're all 10% off.

- Okay.
- They make such great gifts.

Oh, we have... come here
for a second. Let me show...

You know what? I'm really
not interested in buying anything.

But thank you.

If you're looking in the...
something more affordable,

- we have smaller items.
- It's not that. I'm just not looking.

I'm not interested,
but thank you.

Okay.

Flatware is always great.

All right, look. Can you stop
following me around, please?

I'm not interested
in buying anything.

Stop following me.

I don't really understand
what's giving you that idea.

Are you... maybe you're paranoid.

You've done a complete circle
with me now in the store.

Why are you here if you're
not interested in buying anything?

You've never heard
of browsers?

Is that word unfamiliar
to you, a browser?

- Please leave.
- You got it.

- Thank you. Have a great day.
- I'm well on the way.

You know what?
We should drop this off at the Loebs'.

You know, we're
in the neighborhood.

- $300.
- I know.

- So ridiculous.
- But it's a good one.

Hello?

Hey, Cheryl. Brad.

- Hi, Brad.
- Hey, what's up?

Nothing.
Larry's in the car.

Oh, hey, hey, Larry.

- Hey, Brad.
- How you doing?

Pretty good.

Hey, Cheryl, still coming
to "Tony and Tina's Wedding"?

- Yeah.
- Hey, I'm going too, Brad.

Oh, okay, great.

Hey Larry,
still looking for a chef?

Actually, I am.

Well, my friend, Paul
is the chef at Alsace

and he's thinking about leaving.

I know that place, Alsace.
That's a good restaurant.

- Yeah.
- Hey, you know what?

Why don't we go eat there
after the show,

and you can
check out the food?

Okay, that sounds
pretty good.

All right, well...
hey, I'll see you at the show.

- Okay, bye.
- Take it easy, Cheryl.

"Larry's in the car."

What?

"Larry's in the car.
If you plan on doing any dirty-talking,

better save it for another time

because Larry's in the car."

I was letting him know, to be polite.
When you're on speakerphone,

you're supposed
to let people know...

- Yes. Yeah. Uh-huh.
...who's listening.

I mean, I think that
you would be excited.

He might have found a chef.

I actually am.
I think that could be good.

I'll call Ted and Jeff
and set it up.

Okay.

What is this?
Oh, my God.

Oh, shit, there's a cop,
what do we do?

Just pull over, Larry.

Oh, here we go,
Jesus Christ.

What did you do?

Let me see your
driver's license, sir.

- Can I ask what I did?
- Sure can.

Sir, we had a report from a young lady
on her cell phone

saying you've been
following her in your car.

Following someone, what?

I'm going to drop off
a bottle of wine.

It's a friend's house
in Moreno.

- Okay, well, we did have...
- This is the guy.

I can't believe
you were doing this.

This guy came into
the store where I work

and accused me
of following him around,

and then had, like,
a little freak-out fit.

- Now he's following me.
- I don't know what she's talking about.

You're turning left
when I'm turning left,

turning right
when I'm turning right.

This is, like,
your sick revenge?

You follow me around
and scare me like that?

- This is just so idiotic.
- What is wrong with you?

Would you explain to me why
you've been following this lady?

I'm not following her.
I was in a store,

- and she was following me.
- I heard that part, I understand.

- I was not following him.
- You don't even know

how to work in a store.
People ask you to leave them alone,

and you harass them!

- First of all, I was not following you!
- You were so following me!

I was not following you,
I work there.

We're in a residential
neighborhood here, please.

- When my husband finds out about this,
- Ma'am, go back to your car.

- there's gonna be a problem.
- I'm worried about your husband.

You know what?
You are.

Sir, why don't you stay
in your car for a moment?

I'll be right back with you.

Maybe we should've
called first.

We're right in the neighborhood.
What's the difference?

But do you drop by
somebody's house?

Sure. You got a gift,
you drop by.

- Hey, Melanie.
- Hello.

- Hi. What's going on?
- Hey, Ed!

- Hi.
- We were just in the neighborhood.

And thought we'd drop off
your wedding gift.

I'm sorry it's late,
congratulations.

We can't take your wedding...
are you serious?

- No.
- We can't take a wedding gift now.

We got married 14 months ago.

You can't give a gift
after a year, you know that.

I know, that's why
I'm sorry.

You can't give a gift after a year?
What happens after a year?

- You can't give it. That's the cut-off.
- You can't give it?

You can give it
with an apology.

This is a beautiful bottle of wine.

- We can't take it!
- It's an afterthought, and it's late.

We just spent $300
on this bottle of wine for you

and you're not accepting it?!
Is that what you're saying?

We can't take the gift
after a year.

You had no problem taking
the $200 engagement vase we got you.

You had no problem with the shower gift.
What'd you get her?

- The nightgown.
- The nightgown, that was okay.

Then we flew to Chicago
for your little wedding bash.

You're into us now
for about $5,500, as I see it.

First of all, it was not
a "little wedding."

We had 266 people there.

- Then why did you come?
- Because she put a gun to my head,

- that's why!
- I don't believe that.

- You came 'cause you wanted to come.
- I was desperate to go to your wedding.

If it was too expensive,
you shouldn't have come, Larry.

And I'm sorry that you
can't accept a gift

- after 12 months, but you just can't.
- It's the way things are.

They don't want the wine.
We're past the cut-off, we're sorry.

You would do the same thing.
I know you would do the same.

By the way, do you
have anybody in there

to clean up the mess
I'm about to make?

- No, no, no.
- Now you're being silly.

- Thank you!
- Next time call.

You know what
I was just thinking,

maybe you should've
worn a sports coat.

You think so? That's true.
Everybody's wearing...

well, he's not
wearing a sport jacket.

He might be an actor.
That might be part of his character.

Oh.

That's what happens...
the actors mingle.

All right, I'm gonna
go use the bathroom.

Okay, I'll grab a pew.

Hey, how you doing?
I'm Angelo.

Antola,
Angelo Antola.

Hi, Brad.

Brad?

Hey, so, you with Tony's side
or Tina's side?

Brad, you know,
cut the shit, okay?

Shit? Brad? I don't know
what the fuck you're talking about.

- I'm on Tina's side.
- Oh, are you?

Yeah, yeah, me and Tina,
we're close.

It's a shame she's
gonna marry that jerk.

Only doing it for the money.
She don't love him.

She doesn't love him.

But me and Tina,
that's a different story.

- We got something special, me and her.
- Oh, do you?

Between the two of us,
no one would understand, really.

Yeah, well, you're
a very complex person.

Thank you. We have a better
understanding of things

than that cocksucker.

- That cocksucker, Tony.
- Yeah, that cocksucker.

Yeah, he's a cocksucker, Tony.

Yeah, one day, me and Tina,
we'll end up together,

'cause this will never work.

- Yeah, you think so?
- Oh, yeah.

Then I'll finally
slip her the "sausage."

- Oh, is that right?
- That's right.

That very formidable
sausage of yours.

And she will be
forever grateful, my friend.

Yeah, it's been fun doing this little
improv with you.

Improv, whatever you
want to call it.

I'll see you later
at the restaurant.

At the reception,
you bet, you bet.

I'll swing by, I'll say hello.

Yeah, well, good,
that's good, okay, yeah.

- Hey, that's not bad.
- You swing by.

I'll see you later, okay?
I'll see you later.

Okay.

You guys missed a great show.
You should check it out.

- Don't you think?
- Yeah, it was really good.

- Brad was great, by the way.
- Thank you.

Hey, Larry, some guy named Angelo
keeps looking for you.

He was doing some shtick
in the bathroom.

Nothing funnier than shtick
in the bathroom.

It was good, it was good.
You should check it out.

- I'm hungry, shall we do this?
- I'm starving.

I'll tell you what, we should order
everything on the menu.

- All right.
- The chef's name's Paul?

- Paul.
- Chef Paul.

Want to get some wine?
Something? I'm thirsty.

I know this
seems crazy but...

Oh, I didn't know you
brought the wine.

I know,
it was a surprise.

Excuse me, could you
open this wine for us?

- Well, sure.
- Thank you.

Oh, wait till you
hear this story.

So, we had these
friends that got married...

They didn't take it?

So, they didn't take it,
and Larry started shouting.

- And I just grabbed it...
- Look at that.

They actually
didn't accept the gift.

I've never heard
of anything so crazy.

- It was crazy.
- $300 bottle of wine, we win.

- Here's to the Loebs.
- Yeah, to the Loebs.

Hey, what's your problem?!
What is your problem?

Cheryl, don't move.
I've got it under control.

I need club soda
and salt.

Hey, you, turn around,
look at her, right there.

- Is this the guy? That's him?
- Yes.

- You were following my wife?
- I wasn't following her.

She called the cops on you.
Look at me.

I need salt,
I need salt.

I'm talking to you. I said look at me!
She was scared half to death,

and you're some kind of pervert
following her in the store?!

I'll take you outside...
look at me!

I will kick your ass
right now!