Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - The Benadryl Brownie - full transcript

You know,
I found my soul mate.

Not only do I think
I'm in love with her,

- but I think I've found the right one.
- Really?

Yeah, Deborah.
It's only a couple of months,

it could go south, but I don't think
it will, because she's...

Why would it?

Well, why has it for my whole life?
But she, I think...

This is the one.
Is this the one?

- No, no, that's not a good one.
- No, I meant Deborah.

- Yeah, it's more like I love her soul.
- Mm-mmm.

- Do you know what l...?
- Her soul.



It's not just like it used to be for me,
you know, like a "trophy."

- It's not all about looks anymore?
- She's attractive.

- No, she is attractive.
- But you don't care about that.

I think one of the things is,
the only downside...

What do you think
of this color?

I don't like...
it's too flashy.

She's a Christian
Scientist and...

She's a what?
She's a Christian Scientist?

She's a Christian Scientist,
and I, it's...

Oh, dear.

- Did you just say, "Oh, dear"?
- Yeah.

I don't think you've ever said that
in your entire life.

No one's ever told me they were
dating a Christian Scientist.

- I've been saving it.
- If anything called for an "Oh, dear"...



Holy cow,
a Christian Scientist.

It's a nightmare
for me, because,

I'm under the weather about 99%
of my life, and she doesn't...

She won't bring you
the medicine?

- This is out of their...
- I know they can't take it,

but can they touch it
and give it to somebody else?

She doesn't have
a medicine chest in her place.

Wait, one second.

- Do you want more time?
- No, no, it's fine.

What... you know,
I want to get one of these,

I don't have
good luck with them.

- That's the one I have.
- You like this one?

- I bought that... not here.
- You've got the same one?

- Yeah, I love it.
- It's a good phone,

- it's an XR-71.
- It's a great one.

But it does go out on occasion,
like in a tunnel or something.

You can't hear a radio
when you go in a tunnel.

- Yes, you can, FM. You're an idiot.
- I never listen to FM.

- What do you listen to?
- I listen to talk.

You have a lot of program,
a lot of rings in that.

Okay, I'm gonna
take this.

Listen, I meant to ask you this,

I have to hand in
this special,

and you know how I like you
to watch it. It's not locked in yet.

Now is the time to tell me if you think
something's... can you watch it?

I'd love to, sure. Why don't you come
over with Deborah on Friday?

We can have dinner
and watch the special.

That would be fantastic.
That would be phenomenal.

- Is that good?
- I'd be in heaven.

I mean, you know,
she'd be thrilled.

Bravo.

- First call.
- I know.

- First call.
- Very impressive.

Hey, it's working!

Yeah, I'm right outside
Cellular Depot.

I just got it.
You're my first call.

What are we doing
on Friday night?

Okay, good, because
Richard's gonna come over

with his new
girlfriend Deborah

and we'll
watch his special.

Wait, how about this?

Why don't you call Ted Danson
and get the number

of Randy, the chef
from our restaurant?

He could cater
the whole thing. Great idea.

And you work out
whatever the money is.

She's allergic to peanuts,
no peanuts.

She's allergic
to peanuts, so no peanuts.

Okay.

Ask her if Jeff could come,
he hasn't seen the thing.

Oh, and can Jeff come,
because he hasn't seen it.

Yeah.

That's right,
my friends for a change.

Well, Deborah, I heard that you guys
are going to the Emmys.

- Yes.
- Is that right?

- So excited.
- Are you excited? Have you ever been?

- Oh, yeah. It's really exciting.
- It is exciting.

- I got a dress made.
- You had it made?

Gorgeous. Armando on Beverly,
fits like a glove.

Wow. We're gonna be watching it...
the East Coast feed.

I'm having
some friends over,

Maybe we'll see you guys
walk down the red carpet.

She's got a whole party
planned to watch it.

- Do you have ketchup?
- Huh? What? Ketchup?

- Yeah.
- Why?

I can't eat this steak
without some ketchup.

You can't ask...

Randy! Can I have some
ketchup please?

You don't ask
a chef for ketchup.

- He's right, Larry's right.
- Why is it insulting? It's ketchup.

This is good food.
It's like a truck-stop thing.

- Ketchup?
- Thank you very much.

- The food is great.
- Is it? Is it good?

- Really wonderful, thank you.
- Delicious.

- Really good stuff.
- It's good.

Thank you.

What did you ask for ketchup for?
What are you crazy?

What?!

You know what? I am never having
you guys over for dinner again.

Why? What
did I do wrong?

It's exhausting,
it's just exhausting.

So, where's
this HBO special?

LD, here it is. Listen,
how long was the tour before...

like four months?
This is only just one show.

- Oh, come on.
- It's great, don't even...

I just...

I can't wait
to see it, Richard.

I love you
for having me.

To have you guys
here like this is great.

These are the best brownies
I have ever had.

Susie made them,
my wife.

I dropped my daughter off
this afternoon,

brought us
some brownies.

That's a good
sound system you have.

What's happening,
Larry?

Shit.

Why do you have
so many remotes?

Yeah, I wish I had
the answer to that.

We have this guy,
Mike, that comes in

and I don't even know how
to work the TV anymore, honestly.

- It has to be on channel 3.
- It's on channel 3.

Every week we have this guy
come over and try to fix it.

You know what, Larry?

The Emmys are this Sunday
and I am not gonna miss them.

We missed half the Knick game
last year because of this shit.

This is ridiculous.
You're gonna have to fire Mike.

- I'm not gonna fire him.
- Why not?

I don't know, he's black,
I don't want to fire him.

You don't want
to fire a black guy?

- No, I don't want to fire him.
- That's crazy!

- It's ridiculous!
- Who cares what he is?

- If he sucks, he sucks.
- Well, he could come in and fix it...

Every week he comes in,
he never fixes it.

We can't even watch his special.
That's ridiculous!

Fire your guy.
I got a good guy.

- Will you fix this?
- I don't know how to.

I tried every remote,
and none of them work. Look!

So fucking idiotic... you should
have one goddamn remote and...

We should have one remote!
You need to call him, Larry.

Are you gonna call him?

Well, maybe
we should play Scrabble.

- Nothing we can do.
- That's a bad joke, right?

Yeah, it is a joke,
I mean, I don't...

Scrabble?

It's a joke, but what
are we supposed to do?

You want to sit Shiva?

Why don't we play Twister,
would you be happy?

If this was your show, then you
would make every fucking plan...

Let's go upstairs and all get under
the covers and sob.

Why don't we go to my house
and watch it? What's wrong with that?

- I'll go to your house.
- Thank you.

The whole reason for the night
was to watch your thing.

All right, fine,
we'll go to your house.

I'll pack these brownies up.
We'll take it...

I don't feel well.

I really don't feel well,
I don't think I can go.

What do you mean?
You don't feel well?

I'd like to go home,
I think.

You feel perfectly...
you're almost cold like a corpse.

Do you want
an aspirin?

No, I can't take an aspirin,
but, thank you.

What's the matter?

Um, I don't... any peanuts
in the brownies?

No, no way. I don't like peanuts.
My wife never uses them.

I wouldn't allow
that to happen.

I ate so many of those.

There was no peanuts
or peanut oil or anything in the dinner.

You told Randy not...
That she's allergic, right?

What?

- I told you on the phone.
- You didn't tell me on the phone.

I told you when I spoke to you
on the phone that...

No, you didn't.

- What, are you kidding?
- What are you talking about?

He did, I was standing right next
to him when he called you.

I didn't hear it, you never said it
or I didn't hear it.

I'll bet the cell phone. I bet
there was interference on the cell.

They have drop-outs
all the time.

Jesus Christ,
I knew you fucked it up.

I fucked it up?! What kind
of stupid thing is that to say?

- I "fucked it up."
- You fucked it up!

You don't know
how to use a goddamn cell phone!

- It was a shit cell phone!
- Okay, Deborah is sick!

A praying mantis
can use that goddamn phone!

I'd really like
to go home.

All I can do really
is wait it out.

I am so sorry.
You should...

Why don't
we just go home

and, can't you just, take a nap,
and we can all watch it at my house?

You could take a nap.
Or why don't...

I'd like you to take me home.

She needs
to go home, Richard.

- You know, this is really...
- Thank you.

I am so sorry, Deborah.
I never got that...

I feel very awkward
about it.

What a shame.
We can't even get to watch the special.

I get home
and I'll be fine.

You want to just
drive home?

I don't feel comfortable
driving myself.

She needs you to take her home.
You know? I mean...

- Now.
- All right, we're going.

You're such a fucking idiot,
how can you do this?

- She's not looking well...
- Cell phone, you fucked up.

Well, we'll watch it,
don't worry.

- That's horrible.
- Scrabble?

- I'd love to play Scrabble.
- I said it and kind of got in the mood.

- Let's get it.
- Really? You want to play?

- I'm all over it. Let's go.
- Absolutely. Okay.

You don't need to play,
it's better with two.

Do you have any milk?

I'm sorry,
but I got five remotes,

nothing's working.

Just be honest, man.
'Cause I'm black, right? Right?

Why? That couldn't be crazier.

Crazy. Why did I hire you?

That was over the phone, You didn't
know I was black at the time.

All right, that's true,
but I kept you around.

But you're getting
rid of me, right?

I fire white people,
I've fired white people.

I have fired
plenty of white people.

I've been doing this
15 years, all right?

Okay, okay. You know what?
It's not even me.

Can I be...?
Okay.

You want... can we
be honest here?

Okay, let's be honest,
okay?

It's my wife.
She wants...

- Oh, dude.
- No, seriously.

Please don't go there, man.
No, be man enough.

Look, be man enough. If you gonna
be a racist, be a man, man.

I was a man.
What good did it do me?

Don't blame it
on your wife. Thank you.

You're blaming it on your race.
What's worse?

I'd rather blame it on my wife
than blame it on my race.

Right, whatever.

Come on, don't take it...
don't be like that.

- I got this.
- I got the tip.

- That's okay, I got the tip.
- I got the tip, man.

Okay, don't be mad.

Come on, don't...
come on, Mike.

I wish you wouldn't be
mad about it.

I'm gonna recommend you
to a lot of people.

- Whatever.
- I will, I'll recommend you.

Hey, Wanda.

- Oh, hello.
- Hello.

Are you here
for the prayer group?

- No, I'm not.
- Oh.

I'm actually here
to see Deborah.

Oh, unfortunately
she's a little under the weather.

I know.

She actually
ate the peanuts in my house.

Oh, I know about you.
Hello, I'm Deborah's mother.

- Oh, hi, I'm Larry.
- I know.

I feel terrible about this.

Oh, no, no, don't. We're all
responsible for our own lives.

I think there's
some truth to that, isn't there?

Come.

Right this way.

This is our
prayer group.

You're welcome
to join us afterwards.

Oh, okay. Let's see how
I'm doing on time.

Okay.
And Deborah's right in there.

I'll be fine
to go to the Emmys.

Come on, look at you.
How can we have a ball?

- Your lips are like balloons.
- Hi, Larry.

She thinks she can go tomorrow night.
You believe this shit?

Oh, my gosh.

Will you tell him
it's not that bad, is it?

Can you see
out of that eye?

I can see,
of course I can see.

Honey, they're bulging almost.
For crying out loud, hon'.

I'm so sorry about the peanuts
and the whole thing there.

You know, I had this new
cell phone, and it just... it didn't.

Yeah, no, really.

I think it was more peanuts
than the cell.

He recommended
this phone to me.

That's beside the point. Look at her...
she thinks she can go to the awards.

Tell him I'll be fine
by tomorrow night.

He's a sensible man,
on occasion.

I'll be fine.
Sweetie, I'll be fine.

Honey, you don't...
you don't have to go.

- He's right.
- I have to go.

You know what you
should think about?

You should take Benadryl.
You'd knock that out in five minutes.

The thing would be gone.
You wouldn't even think about it.

I can't believe
I didn't think of that. That was one...

- I don't take medication.
- Pop it in.

- "Pop it in"?
- Who's gonna know?

Pop it in?
That's a betrayal of my faith.

Jesus would be very happy
for you to look better than you do now.

No one's watching.
Pop, take a pop.

Listen, I have spent
my entire life

in belief and faith.

Well, why not
just pray for the TV?

Why even have somebody
come in and fix the television?

Why not just pray?

Pray for the TV?
What is that? What?

Hey, by the way,
is that guy any good?

I don't know.
It's my parents' house.

We got all sorts of problems,

you were there...
with all those remotes,

and Cheryl,
it's a pain in the neck.

I just had to fire our guy.
I'm looking for somebody.

I'd like one remote that could
take care of the whole thing.

I don't know
if he's good, Lar.

Maybe you should ask him...
on your way out.

Do you have one remote, or two?
How many do you have?

Oh, Richard...?

Oh, Larry.
Come.

Just in time.
We're about to begin the prayer circle.

You've gotta be kidding.
Believe me,

you don't want me in this.
She'll wind up with tuberculosis.

I really got bad karma,
I'm not kidding.

- Oh, yes, we do.
- I beg to differ.

Grab hands.
Let us join hands.

Oh, no, no. Not this arrangement.
Let's do boy/girl here.

Join hands.
Join hands.

Put her over here.

No, she needs to be over there
with her husband.

And as we continue
this healing light,

we know, Jesus,
that You are with us,

and You are
always with us,

for Thine is the power,
and the glory,

forever and ever.
No one can touch us,

for God is always
with us.

- Oh, cell phone.

I'm sorry.
I just got this cell phone.

Hello? Oh, hey.

Maybe.
Who are they playing?

I'm gonna be humiliated.
This is a fucking nightmare.

You know why
this is a nightmare?

You, my friend.
Yes, yes, you.

Because of this
fucking highfalutin...

you gotta go, join a restaurant,
have an interest,

have them come over
and cook peanut sauce...

Hey. It had nothing
to do with that.

If it wasn't
for the peanuts,

she wouldn't look like a goddamn
fucking Venetian!

The cell phone
that you recommended didn't work!

That cell is used by every
fucking person.

- You don't know...
- Did you see my girlfriend?

You said you didn't give a shit
about the way she looks.

Would you show up at an event...

Would /?

with a person that looks like
she has a macaroni salad...

...about the soul,
you love her soul and all that.

Part of that is true,
but this is unbelievable.

I have to... what kind of fucking...
why can't she take a Benadryl?

These people, what are they doing?
I don't understand this attitude.

I don't understand
it either.

Take a Benadryl.
She'll be better in five minutes.

Can you imagine me
getting out of the limo with my date?

She's pretty
hell bent on going too.

She's got the dress,
"I got the dress."

- You know, I know, I know.
- She's ready.

Yeah, know what would
match her head?

A dress made of turnips
and blood, you know?

Oh, God, she's so hideous.
She should look in the mirror.

Does she even know
what she looks like?

- She denies it. It's a denial thing.
- Why don't you take her? lt'll be fun.

Oh, that's very...
oh, yeah, Mr. Big Shot.

- Why don't you take her?
- What do we do? You gotta help me out.

You gotta get a shot
and stick it in her ass...

- She's not a racehorse.
- You gotta get a shot of Benadryl

while she's sleeping,
or shove it down her throat.

Like a hit man?
A Benadryl hit man?

Put it in the brownie
that she ate.

Wait a minute,
why not put it in?

- Put it in the brownie?
- That's a fucking brilliant idea.

- A brilliant idea?
- Yeah, because...

- yeah, it's a fucking...!
- What, the Benadryl brownie?

First of all,
she will never know.

I've got news for you.
Even if she got better,

they would think it was
because of the prayer.

That's fantastic.

Well, I mean, you could do it,
it wouldn't be hard...

What, are they
gonna throw me in prison?

All I have to do is get
the recipe from Susie,

Cheryl would bake them, put it in,
we'd just give her the brownie.

- Larry, what are you doing here?
- Hey, you got a dog.

Well we need protection.
It's me and Sammy in the house alone.

He's a good boy.
This is Oscar.

Oscar! Oskie-boy!
Hey, Oskie-boy!

- Don't get him excited, okay?
- Okay.

Yeah. You just stop by,
you don't call?

No, I tried to call, but my cell phone
couldn't get through.

- Interference.
- That's a piece of crap, that one.

- I had that one, I got rid of it.
- Really?

Who's that?
Isn't that somebody in the car?

- It's Richard Lewis.
- Oh, oh...

So, what?
What do you want?

Actually, this may sound
a little strange,

but we had a dinner party
the other night

and Jeff brought over
some of your brownies...

Wait a minute.

Jeff brought brownies
that I made to a dinner party?

- Yeah, at my house.
- Larry, I baked those brownies

specifically for Sammy to take
to school the next day,

and they were gone.
I had no idea what the hell happened.

Jeff stole... he stole
his child's brownies, Larry.

You see what we're
dealing with here?

He stole brownies
out of the mouth of his baby.

It's a testament to the brownie.
That's what you're not seeing.

Because they're
incredible brownies.

If they were mediocre brownies,
he wouldn't have taken them.

- Well, that's true.
- Which leads me to why I'm here.

I would love if you
could give me the recipe.

- The brownie recipe?
- The brownie recipe.

- I can't do that, darling, I can't.
- No, no, no, of course you can.

No, I can't, because
it's a secret family recipe

my grandmother
handed down to me, I can't.

Susie, Susie, Susie.
Look who you're talking to here.

I'm talking
to Larry David.

Yeah, the guy who never
ever tells anybody anyth/ng.

I am known for that.
Strangers come up to me

to tell me
their deepest secrets.

Well, that's good to know
for future reference

for other things
that I might need to trust you with,

but this is a secret.
What does that mean to you?

Okay, okay,
secret, secret, secret.

I'll tell you a secret, how about that?
Nobody knows, not even Cheryl.

Well, if you'd
like to tell me.

- I might be losing a testicle.
- You're kidding me.

It's not definite.
The point is, I'm telling you,

I'm sharing something with you
because I trust you.

- The way you can trust me.
- I cannot give you the recipe.

- No, you can.
- No, I can't.

I can't. My grandmother, okay...
may she rest in peace...

entrusted that
brownie recipe to me,

and you're asking me to break
a sacred confidence.

It's not The Manhattan Project,
you know?!

It's just a little... a recipe.

Go get a mix or something!
You're asking too much.

You ask way too much.
I can't. Oscar, come.

I just told you
I'm gonna lose a ball!

Okay, so...

you want to put some Benadryl
in some brownies?

A lot of Benadryl.

Are you kidding?

What's the downside?

Think of it, it's like...
it's an act of humanity

on your part.
I'm begging you.

Aren't you guys supposed to be going
to the Emmys tomorrow night?

- Why? What?
- Richard...?

Is that what this is about, Larry?
Because you don't want

to take her to the Emmys
because of the way she looks?

Why should he take her?
She's hideous. I don't blame him.

Are you guys
out of your mind?!

Why?

It's not only that.
I want her to get better.

It's 90%.
You don't have to lie to her...

- It's not 90-10.
- It's 85-15.

- No, no, 75-25.
- It's not even that.

Tell her the truth. You're embarrassed
to be seen with her,

and I don't blame him. So what?
She takes a little Benadryl,

you put it in
the brownie, big deal.

Why don't you buy some brownies,
put it in and leave me out of this?

- We went over this.
- You know anything about tampering?

Huh? Do you know anything
about tampering?

You can't do that
because the brownie will fall apart.

It's gotta be in the mix
when you make the brownie.

Maybe you guys should
take care of this yourself...

- How can we...?
- I can't bake.

- Leave me out of this.
- I don't know how to bake.

What do you mean? They have
to be baked. They have to be baked.

Don't you think she's gonna
taste Benadryl in the brownies?

It's totally tasteless.
There's no taste to this stuff.

There's no taste to it.
I spoke to the pharmacist.

Oh, you asked him
if you put this in brownies,

will someone be able
to taste it?

There's no taste
to it at all.

They're odorless
and tasteless.

My heart is breaking
for her big head.

It's grotesque. It's like she should be
in a carnival on Coney Island,

I'm telling you.

This is the dumbest idea
I have heard in a long time.

You know what?
It's a good idea, 'cause if it works,

she thinks the prayer did it.

That's what's
so smart about it.

Now the idea is a genius idea.

It's not like, "How did I get better
all of a sudden?"

- It was their religion.
- Yeah, it was their religion.

- Prayer worked.
- Yeah.

And you know what?
It happened in our house.

- Okay.
- Okay.

All right, I think
we should... you know.

All right, I just want to talk
to her for a second.

All right. Cheryl?

All right, thanks for doing this.
I guess this is stupid.

- Do you not think this is stupid?
- It's not such a big deal.

Let's not make a big deal about it,
okay? It's not really a big deal.

- It's another day in paradise for me.
- Don't do it, if that's how you feel.

No, I'll do it,
I'll do it, just go.

Can you bake this stuff?
I don't even know, can you bake?

Can you? I've never seen you
bake anything, I'm sorry.

Please?

Got some brownies for Deborah.
My wife baked them.

I'll take them to her.

Hey, you know what?

We'd like to, bring her...

If it's all
the same to you.

I would really like to see
the look on her face

when I give these to her.
It would mean a lot to me.

- Me, too.
- Just for one minute.

Sure. Absolutely.

Thank you very much.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

You look... you know.

- Yeah?
- I love you.

- Hi, Larry.
- Look at what "Uncle Larry" brought.

- What is that?
- A little treat.

- Surprise.
- Brownies...!

Brownies.
No peanuts.

- Thank the Lord.

The ones from
the other night? Oh...

My wife got the recipe.

Cheryl got
the recipe? Oh...

- Take it.
- Oh, jeez.

Go ahead,
take a little taste.

Oh,
thank you so much.

- Go ahead. Take a bite.
- Mmm, huh?

Huh, what do you think?
You like that?

- Hmm...
- Like a little girl again, huh?

You know,
they're not quite the same.

- No, they're the same.
- Um-umm.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Um-umm.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Honey, just try another one.

Tell Cheryl I said thank you
for making the effort,

but those are
really not the same.

What are you talking about?
They're delicious, eat it. It's good.

It's good, take it.

These are definitely
not the same brownies.

Not the same brownies?
It's the same brownie!

They're definitely not the same.

Believe me, they're the same brownie.
My wife baked them.

- I know what she baked.
- These really suck.

I can't believe that she doesn't know
the difference between sugar and salt.

- How dare you insult my wife's baking!
- There's something different...

- All right.
- Fine, fine, you know what? Fine.

Save them for later,
save it.

What do you want me to say,
Larry? They're horrible!

What time are you picking me up
tomorrow night for the Emmys?

I feel like nothing's
happening, wait.

Okay, wait, Larry
actually wrote down...

Oh, my God.

He wrote down
directions for me, because...

- we...
- Hit the red button.

- This is pitiful...
- No, no, Larry!

This is so not...

What?

I can't get
the satellite to go on.

It was working yesterday,
just follow the instructions!

Just get in here
and fix the damn thing!

We're missing Joan!

We're missing
the Emmy Pre-Show with...

I just...

This is just so pathetic.

You can't wait three hours?
lt'll come on regular TV.

We want to watch it
when the New Yorkers watch it.

We need to see the Pre-Show with Joan.
We're missing that now.

We need to see
what everyone's wearing.

That's the best part.

What was that
business I saw you... yesterday?

- At the coffee shop?
- What business?

The business with the black guy.
You fixed his tip?

- What happened?
- So? Yeah.

What do you mean, "So"?
You didn't know? Larry's a tip profiler.

- Fixed a black man's tip.
- He didn't leave enough.

What am I supposed to do?

You trying to get a NAACP
lmage Award or something?

If it wasn't a racial thing,
why'd you do it behind his back?

I didn't do it
behind his back!

He tiptoed back
into the restaurant. Tippy-toed.

- I did not!
- You should've seen it.

I didn't tiptoe,
he stormed out in a huff!

I would've done it right in front
of his face, but he stormed out.

- Well, why'd he storm out?
- Because I fired him.

You fired him?
You fired him?!

Why'd you fire
the black man?

I fired the black man

because he's the guy
who set up the whole system here

and it doesn't work.
He's here every week,

I'm giving him checks.
We've got five remotes,

I can't turn it on, but I know,
you know, "Black man,

he can never
do anything wrong,

and he shouldn't
get fired from a job.

Black people always
do everything right."

You gotta turn the damn satellite
on for the TV to work.

See the little green light?
Just gotta turn it on.

Or you can fire the black man.
Whatever works for you.

Jessica Alba and her fianc?...

Great,
thank you.

- Thanks, Larry.
- Thank you.

Who's that?
Jane Kaczmarek?

Yeah,
she's funny.

There's Kelsey Grammer
and his girlfriend.

Thank you, Kelsey. Kelsey Grammer,
ladies and gentlemen,

one of the greats
of our community.

Oh, my God, there's Richard!

It's Richard Lewis.
Richard, over here!

Richard, Richard!
Come on, it's Joan!

Just get over here,
it's so good to see you...

oh, my God.

I've seen better faces
on a hemorrhoid.

When E.T. called home,
did you pick up the phone?

Excuse me.

How are things
in Loch Ness?