Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Chet's Shirt - full transcript

So, I've given up red meat.

Really?

- Yep, no more red meat for me.
- Good for you.

- That's it, I'm done.
- How come you're doing that?

- No reason.
- What do you mean?

- You got to have a reason.
- No reason.

- What do you care?
- Hey, schmuckface,

you can't just say
you're giving up red meat.

There has to be some
motivation behind it.

No reason.

Gonna invest in the restaurant?
Gonna come to the meeting tomorrow?



- I don't know, I'm thinking about it.
- All right.

- Ted Danson's doing it.
- Really?

- Yeah. Michael York.
- Is that so?

Yeah, a couple other people.

Got the manager and the assistant
manager from Gus'.

- You think it's a good investment?
- A great investment.

- It's great fun.
- It could be fun, couldn't it?

Great fun, come on.

I'll bet that's true.
I'll bet that's true.

Yeah... you know?

Hey! Hey, buddy,
what's the deal?

- What are you talking about?

You threw something
in my garbage can?

- I threw garbage in your garbage can.
- That's my garbage can.



- So, it's garbage.
- I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't.

Doesn't garbage belong
in a garbage can?

My garbage belongs
in my garbage can.

Your garbage belongs
in your garbage can.

- Well, what's the difference?
- The difference?

- It's mine.
- The can's not full. I don't get it.

Next guy I see throwing
garbage in there,

I'm gonna kick his ass.

I'll give that message
to the next guy.

- You think I'm kidding?
- No, I believe you.

- I'm gonna tell the next guy.
- Yeah, you do that.

- Hi, Barbara.
- Hi, nice to see you.

Hi. How you doing?

- Hi!
- Ready to go?

Yeah.

Lar, do you want
some, um, coffee?

- Oh, no, no, we're gonna get going.
- Okay.

- How's everything going?
- Well, you know, horrible.

Horrible, yeah.

I'm gonna get the catalogs.

- And I'll be right back.
- Great, thank you.

How's everything?

Good. I mean, she's talked
about Chet the whole time.

- You ask her about the picture frame?
- No. How can I?

She's been like that
all afternoon.

I mean, I don't know
what to do about this thing.

You gave her this picture
five months ago.

- All she's got to do is get a frame.
- All right, I'll ask her.

- Her husband's been dead
for four months now.

I'll bring it up before we go.

Okay, I think
these are the ones.

- Great. Oh, thank you.
- Right?

- Exactly.
- Isn't that nice?

Yeah, that's exactly...

To show you
something different.

- Boy, I love this shirt.
- Isn't that a great picture?

That is exactly the kind of shirt
that I would wear. Don't you think?

- Mm-hmm.
- That's great.

- Did you take that here?
- It was in the back yard.

- Doesn't he look healthy, Larry?
- Do you know where he got this?

- I don't remember.
- No idea?

I just... I don't remember.

- I love that picture.
- It's nice.

Could it have been...
the mall or the Promenade?

No, but I'll...

Think about it.

So, you... okay.

Thank you for lunch.
That was really great.

- Was it in Santa Monica?
- I don't know.

You don't know.
Okay, all right.

It's just it's such
a great-looking shirt.

It's Caruso's.
Yeah, it was Caruso's.

On Wilshire Boulevard!
Yes, of course!

- Caruso's. Great.
- That's a nice picture.

- I love it.
- All right, well, we're gonna take off.

I'm gonna stop off
at Caruso's and get that shirt.

I wonder if it comes
in any other colors.

And just wanted to check in
about the frame...

- the picture that you were gonna frame.
- Yeah.

How's that going?

I don't know.

'Cause it's kind of been
like five months, you know?

And we were just wondering.

My husband dropped dead.

- Yeah, that was four months ago.
- Okay.

You know, there was
just some details...

- that I had to take care of, right?
- You know what...

God forbid it should
ever happen to you, Cheryl.

I don't think you would be
thinking about...

She'd be dancing around
the Trevi Fountain in Rome...

- that's just a joke.
- I'm sorry.

I'm just not ready to have a sense
of humor about this, you know?

- I understand.
- I'm sorry. You take care.

- Thanks for the lunch and the catalogs.
- Yeah.

- What's the name of this place anyway?
- Bobo's.

Bobo's? I like that.

- Ted.
- Jeff, hey.

Are you in on this too?
Are you in on this too?

What are you doing,
throwing your money away?

- Why not?
- Really?

You ever done
anything like this?

I once invested
in a whorehouse.

- I made a fortune on that place.
- How are you?

I'm great, man, I'm great.

- How's Mary doing?
- She's good.

She's in Australia
shooting that film still.

Which is too bad,
because she's going crazy.

She's missing
Jill's birthday...

which reminds me,
a week from Sunday,

- the birthday party for Jill.
- I'm all over it.

- You're coming?
- All set.

Here's the embarrassing part:
we promised her a "Wizard of Oz"

kind of party thing.
So, I'm going to do the Scarecrow.

If I got you
the costume, would you do,

- I don't know, one of them, the Lion?
- Lion? Sure.

Him? I do an unbelievable Lion.

Well, I got to do
the Lion, though, seriously.

Let me do the Lion.
You will not regret it.

- A fat Tin Man?
- I can't do...

I won't come
if I have to do the Tin Man.

- Let him do it.
- You can be the Lion.

I'll be the fat Tin Man
that'll disappoint children.

- What are you gonna do for Dorothy?
- What about Cheryl?

- Would she come?
- Cheryl could do Dorothy.

- She would love to.
- Great. Thank you.

I'll get the costumes
and everything... this is really nice.

- You like this?
- Great taste. Where'd you get it?

I got it... actually
I saw a dead guy's picture.

Everybody, Larry David.

Hey, Michael York,
how you doing?

- Glad to meet you.
- Michael's here to class up our act.

- Lou DiMaggio.
- How are you doing?

Nice to meet you, Larry.

Pleasure to meet you.

I'll be managing
the restaurant. Jim Swenson.

- Hi, Jim. You were the manager of Gus'.
- Yes, I was.

- Theresa Nakamura.
- Hello. Hi, Theresa.

I was at Gus', too.

Let's sit, let's sit.

I don't know
if I'm gonna come in on this.

It sounds intriguing,
I have to say.

We have a very
exciting place here.

The location is perfect. And we got
great ideas for a new restaurant.

It's going to be a hit.

Well, I know one thing,

I will not be giving you people
any money if you serve kabobs.

- You're kidding, right?
- No, I'm not kidding.

- I don't think have kabobs.
- Why are you a kabobaphobe?

- I can't stand kabobs.
- "Kabobaphobe"?

Have you had a bad experience
with kabobs? What happened?

Just when you're putting
them off the stick...

I'm a little afraid
of the stick, frankly.

No kabobs!

How about this idea?

I feel that you can
never get a waiter's attention.

So, I'm suggesting

that every table
should have a bell on it.

And so, when you want
the waiter, you just ring a bell...

What if three or four people
are ringing the thing at once?

How does their waiter know...

Every waiter could have
their own tone.

So you can identify... when the waiter
hears "ding, ding, ding,"

they know it's him.

And if then if it's
"ding, ding, ding," a lower tone...

- A bell?
- They would answer to a bell

like a Pavlovian dog?

- It's like a butler bell.
- Exactly!

I'm surprised
you're not on board with that.

It's English.
It's a butler bell.

- Michael York, what do you think?
- I'm so appalled by the idea

- that I'm struck dumb.
- It's a good idea. Think about it.

What else do you have?

What are you doing
for the waiters' uniforms?

We have a very tasteful
white shirt, dark slacks,

and name tags.

- No good, huh?
- I think we can do better than that.

- Larry, what do you envision?
- I don't know, I think...

I'll go shopping for uniforms.

- You'll come with me.
- I'm with you to keep an eye on things.

All right,
so give us a choice.

I'll come back with something
you'll be very happy with.

Is everybody good with that?
I'm good with that.

So, you're in.

Welcome aboard.

Maybe.

So, we're definitely
doing this?

It's right on Ocean. It's in a great
location, they've got a great chef...

They couldn't find somebody
else to invest?

There are tons
of people with money.

Maybe they could,
but I'm lucky I was asked.

We should look at it
like a good thing.

- We can make a lot of money from this.
- Oh, I hope so.

- But that's not even the point.
- What is the point?

We could hang out there.

People would come in and I'll walk
around and go to a table...

- "Are you enjoying your meal?"
- You're going to walk around?

This is why you want to do this,
so you can chat with people?

"How's everything?
Are you enjoying it?"

I thought you didn't
like talking to people.

I don't like talking
to people I know,

but strangers
I have no problem with.

I think it'll be fun.
I was put in charge of uniforms.

This is something that
I'm very interested in.

I always wondered,
"How do they choose the uniforms?"

Well, I'm going
to choose the uniforms.

I'm going shopping with Jeff
to pick out uniforms for the waiters.

That's why you want
to do this...

so you can
pick out uniforms for...

It's not only uniforms,
you're making other decisions.

I asked about... we're gonna
get sweet potatoes on the menu.

'Cause you can't get sweet potatoes
anywhere. Have you noticed that?

Everybody's noticed that.

I have this great idea about
bells for the table,

'cause you can
never summon waiters.

They never come
when you want them.

Did you bring this up at the meeting?
How did that go over?

- I think it went okay.
- They liked that idea?

- I think they did.
- People ringing bells

- all over the restaurant?
- Yeah.

Is that a new shirt?

Yeah, this is the shirt

- that Chet was wearing in the picture.
- At Barbara's house?

I went to Caruso's and got it.
They had three left.

Really?
You went shopping?

I did. I love the shirt.
Ted Danson liked it too.

I'm getting a lot
of compliments on it.

- It looks good.
- Feel this material. This is beautiful.

So, Barbara said she'd have
that frame ready next week.

- Oh, good, see?
- See?

It paid for me
to open my mouth.

And your dentist called and wants
us over for dinner Saturday.

- Dr. Blore?
- Yeah.

- Wants to have us for dinner?
- Yeah.

I thought that you'd
know what that meant.

He's my dentist.
Why is he calling me for dinner?

I don't know.

Well, what are we gonna
talk about, my teeth?

I didn't know what to say.
I thought you guys talked about it.

I've never mentioned anything
to him about getting together.

I wouldn't mix social and professional.
That's a terrible combination.

Well, I'm just gonna tell him

we're going out of town
or something.

- Okay.
- Because if we go over to his house

for dinner, we'll have to invite
him someplace.

If we don't, then
he's gonna be offended.

Then the next time I go there,
there's gonna be tension...

"I invited you, why didn't you
invite me?" You know what I mean?

- We don't want to get into that game.
- Um-mmm.

I'll need a new dentist soon,
there's no question about it.

That's the end of this dentist
for all intents and purposes.

I'm telling you,
it's already ruined.

The whole thing... ah,
everybody's got to get together.

"Got to get together."
The whole world's got to get together.

Hey. How about this?

That's what you want
the waiters to wear?

Yeah, why not?

So you want the waiters
to dress like you?

Why is that bad?

Oh, man, you're
out of control.

No, they should walk around
looking like you.

- I didn't say that.
- Well...?

What about this?

- Hey, what about this?
- Come on.

- It looks like a tablecloth, right?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

So, the waiters' shirts
match the tablecloth.

- And?
- What do you mean, "and"?

That's interesting.

- Interesting?
- Yeah!

I'm not finding anything.

We got to get out of here. There's
nothing here. I'm gonna get...

remember that shirt I was wearing
that Ted Danson liked?

- That cream shirt?
- With the black?

- I think I'll get that for him.
- That's nice.

- I got it here.
- That's very nice.

I might even get
another one for me.

- Why?
- 'Cause I always ruin my shirts.

I stain them and I'd like...
it would be good to have an extra one.

Is it crazy to have two
of the same shirt?

No, it's fine. You get a stain on it,
you got another one.

- Excuse me.
- Yes, sir?

I don't know if you remember.
I was in a couple days ago,

I bought a two-tone shirt.
You had three in the basement.

Yeah, the cream and black.

- I want to get the other two.
- Just give me one second.

- Check that out.
- Man, she is hot.

Look at that shirt.
Is that a beauty, the epaulets?

- Look at the epaulets.
- It's a military shirt.

Yes, exactly,
it's a military shirt.

I don't know where
you're going with this.

- Have you ever been to the mess hall?
- No, I never have.

Have you ever seen
well-dressed soldiers eating?

- No, I've never been in the military.
- You should eat there.

- Have you eaten in a mess hall?
- Yes, I have.

- Really?
- I never ate in an officers' mess hall,

But I can imagine they're all there
in their brilliant uniforms.

- When were you in the military?
- Years ago,

but that has nothing
to do with anything.

Excuse me.
I don't normally do this,

but I know you from somewhere
and I just can't place it.

Burt Bondy.
I think I know you

from the 12:15
spin class at the gym.

Burt?

No, I've never taken
a spin class, sorry.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Okay.

Are you "a friend of Bill W.'s"?
In the program?

AA? I think I know you
from there, don't I?

No, I wish you did. it sounds like
a nice place to hang out.

Where do I know...?
What is your name?

- Larry David.
- Larry David, Burt Bondy.

I know you from the waiting room
at the dentist's office.

Dr. Blore.
We have the same dentist.

Oh, okay, okay,
yeah, yeah, right.

Burt Bondy.

- I don't actually go to him anymore.
- I still see him. I run into him,

- I'll tell him you said hello.
- You don't have to.

You don't want me
to say hello?

It's kind of a trite thing
to say to somebody anyway...

- "Someone says hello"...
- I hear what you're saying.

Very high level.
I got to get there.

- That's good.
- Yeah.

- Okay, it was nice meeting you.
- Okay, Burt, take care.

Burt Bondy?
What was that all about?

My dentist invited me
out to dinner.

I'm supposed to be going tonight,
and I told him I was out of town.

Sir?

- Last two.
- Great.

It's kind of got a little French
quality to it, no?

Yeah, French Foreign Legion,
maybe, but, no.

They might think we have
Scientologists for wait people.

Are you kidding me? You don't like this?
Is that what you're saying?

I look at that and I see we're
serving airline food.

- I'm sorry.
- Can I show mine? All right.

Simple, simple, simple.

This is the shirt...
crisp, clean, beautiful.

Now, here's where
it all comes together.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I present... the vest.

A vest, a vest,
a navy vest.

Simple, lovely.
It feels good.

- It's a vest!
- Upscale.

It's very classy, right?

It's along the lines of what
we're talking about.

Actual applause, mind you.

- That's my favorite.
- You really like that?

- Classic.
- I like it.

I got you a present.

Oh, look at that. That's the shirt
you wore the other day.

That's nice.

That's great. Thanks, Lar,
that's really sweet of you.

- Oh, gee, look at that.
- A little rip there.

My God, I'm sorry.

Well, just take it back.
I'm sure they'll fix it for you.

Uh... couldn't you
take it back?

I don't even know
where this store is.

It's on Wilshire and Eighth.
I don't understand.

You want me to take it back?
I just gave you a gift.

You gave me
a defective shirt.

It's got a hole in it.
That's not a gift.

I don't own this shirt anymore,
as I see it. I gave it to you.

- It's your responsibility.
- It's not the point.

The point is, if you give
somebody a gift,

it's supposed
to be a gift, not a problem.

And if you give somebody a gift,
they're not supposed to be an ingrate.

All right, how about
I give you a gift,

and you have to pick it up in Seattle?
That's a problem, not a gift.

- It's not quite the same thing.
I'm giving you a gift.

It is the same thing.
I appreciate the gesture. Thank you.

Fine, I'll keep the shirt.

- Great.
- I can use an extra shirt.

- You took a nice thought,
and all of a sudden it's like-

- You took a nice thought...
- I'm sorry.

So we're going with
the blue shirt and the vest?

Thank you, everybody,
I appreciate that.

It just seems like
you're taunting Ted.

- I'm not taunting him.
- Taunting him...

When I buy a new shirt,
I like to wear it a lot, so what?

- I didn't think about him
when I put it on.

- Okay. Hi!
- Hey.

Hi, Jill, happy birthday!

Hi, Larry.

- Hi, Ted. Good to see you.
- Thanks for coming.

I like your tiara, that's nice.

Fifth birthday,
this is very cool.

So let's get going.
Where's my Lion costume? I'm ready.

Actually, change of plans.
I want Jeff to do the Lion.

- You are the Lion.
- Hey, yes.

You can be
the Tin Man.

- Dorothy.
- Dorothy, please. Thanks. That's great.

I don't want
to do the Tin Man.

I have no connection to the Tin Man,
I don't like the Tin Man.

It's a kid's party.
You'll be fine, Lar, really.

- Why'd you take me off the Lion?
- No reason.

No reason?
There's got to be a reason.

Larry, it's a party.
Let's lighten up, come on.

- You'll be fine.
- Is it 'cause of the shirt?

'Cause I wore the shirt?
Because of the shirt?

No, don't be silly, Larry.

- Help me out here.
- It's a party.

Let's have a good time.

If I can't do the Lion,
I won't do the Tin Man.

- I don't like the Tin Man.
- Well, all right,

We'll find someone else.
I'll be right back, sweetheart,

- I'm gonna get that other gift.
- Yeah, find somebody else.

What an A-S-S-H-O-L-E.

- Okay.
- Hey!

What? She's five years old.
She doesn't know how to spell.

I'm not gonna do the Tin Man.

Ha-ha-ha, ho-ho-ho,
and a couple of tra-la-las...

Very close.
Oh, the Tin Man is too good.

Let me hear you
do the voice. Do it.

- I don't do the voice.
- What do you mean?

- I don't do impressions.
- Why say you can do the Lion?

I'm the Lion!
I don't have to do the voice.

He's doing a great job.

Did you see us come down
the Yellow Brick Road?

- We're having fun, all right?
- Oof...!

- Larry!
- Oh-hh!

- Oh, oh, Larry, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, my God!

She broke my teeth!

She didn't mean to, Larry.

All right,
let's get some ice.

- Oh, my shirt!
- Oh my God!

My shirt!

- We've got to get you to a dentist.
- A dentist? It's Sunday.

- They're not open on Sunday.
- We'll have to call Dr. Blore.

Dr. Blore?

Burt Bondy.

Ah-hh...!
You know what?

Maybe I need a little
more novocaine.

No, it's gonna kick in.
It's fine, yeah.

Still a little something?

- It's getting there?
- A little bit.

It's getting there.
I feel it getting numb.

Good, I'll give it a minute.

Anyway, thanks for doing this.

I know dentists
don't like to come in on Sundays.

It's like a sacred day.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday,
you know?

- But I appreciate it.
- Not a problem.

Happy to do it.
Sure missed you last Saturday.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
I'm so sorry.

- How did it turn out?
- Oh, it was nice, but, you know...

It would've been great.
I'm so sorry I couldn't make it.

- Have a good trip?
- Yeah, we went up to Sonoma.

My cousin's got
a pear farm up there.

A pear farm?
Like an orchard, right?

Bartlett pears.

Bartlett, those are...
I like pears.

They're delicious,

but all weekend long,
pear after pear.

- Pears in everything, sure.
- Boy, oh, boy,

I was getting the runs
up there after a while.

Well, fruit will do that.

I'd much rather have been in your house
on Saturday night than eating pears.

And it's relatives.
What are you gonna do?

- Right, right.
- And we visited the cabin where...

Bob Bartlett...
who the pear's named after?

- The guy named Bob Bartlett.
- I didn't realize the pear was named...

- In the early part of the 20th century.
- Here in the...

Yeah, right here...
up in Sonoma... Bob Bartlett.

And we went to his...
saw his cabin and everything.

And he's still got
relatives there.

Yeah, and they're still making a living
off of these pears

for over 100 years now.

Everybody knows
a Bartlett pear, right?

The Bartletts are...
they run the town there.

- That's that a green pear, right?
- No, it's a brown pear.

They start off green,
then they turn brown.

I thought that was the Bosc
that was the brown.

No, no. It's the Bartlett.

Burt Bondy
was in this week.

Burt Bondy?

Do I know him? I don't know.

- He seems to think you do.
- Really?

Mm-hmm.

- Burt Bondy.
- I don't think so.

I think we're ready.

Did she hurt you?

She tried to, didn't she?

Come on...

- Honey?
- Yeah.

How did it go?

Look at that. These are supposed
to be temporaries, okay?

See the size of these things?

He did it on purpose... Blore.

Because Bondy obviously told
him that he ran into me

and I wasn't out of town,
And he did this to get even.

- They're only temporaries.
- I know they're only temporaries,

but temporaries aren't supposed
to look like Ch/c/ets/

- Look at the size of these things.
- That's about right.

- You don't know...
- I know what I'm talking about.

- You don't know about temporaries.
- How do you know?

I can imagine that you know
very little about temporaries.

I don't want to have a conversation
with you about temporaries.

- That's what they look like.
- Like I want to talk about temporaries?

Did you see what's on?

- Zeke, you're just as scared as I am.
- Oh, wonderful.

If you just would've done the Tin Man,
none of this would've happened.

Maybe Jill did it on purpose too.
That's a possibility.

Maybe you shouldn't have
called Ted an asshole.

Look at this shirt.
Look at this.

Fortunately I have
two more upstairs...

The one I bought for Ted,
and I bought an extra one, see?

You know,
it's not funny, Cheryl.

- I got hit in the mouth with a bat!
- I'm sorry,

I honestly am
concerned about that.

- Who the hell is that?
- That's Barbara with the frame.

Hey, I'm so sorry.
Can I come in?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I am so sorry.
That's an awful thing to happen.

- How you doing?
- Great.

Let me see.

- Wow, they're big, aren't they?
- Yeah, they're very big.

- They hurt?
- No.

I'm so sorry.

You know what?
Can I just give you a word of advice?

- Yes, absolutely.
- Forget the pi?ata parties, okay?

It's a dangerous game.
You could see what could happen...

you got kids swinging
baseball bats around.

And even if the candy
comes down,

then you've got vultures
coming and getting candy,

stuffing it in their pocket,
killing each other to get to the candy.

It's a crazy game, it's dangerous.
I don't know how the Spaniards do it.

How long have they
been doing this pi?ata?

Not one Spanish person has
figured out that the pi?ata

is a sick fucking game?

I hope you know Jill
did not do that on purpose.

Really, she feels
terrible about it.

You shouldn't have called me
an asshole in front of her, but...

- She's a pretty good speller.
- Yeah.

Five years old,
she can spell "asshole."

That's pretty good.

Hey, you know what?
On the way up here,

I was thinking,
I would like that shirt.

I'll take it and I'll exchange it.
It was a great gift.

You can't exchange anymore.
They're out.

- There's no more left.
- It doesn't matter.

I can take it to a shirt guy,
he'll fix it.

This one's ruined,
as you can see,

and I was kind of planning
on keeping the other one.

The one you gave me?

The one you gave
back to me.

I only gave it
back to you

because you were being rude
about me having to exchange it.

You still nevertheless
didn't accept my gracious gift,

- and you gave it back to me.
- Why are you doing this?

Every time we get together,
we push and pull like this.

You should have kept the shirt
in the first place...

Larry, Larry! I'm trying to watch
"The Wizard of Oz."

You just said you have
two shirts upstairs.

Go upstairs,
give Ted his shirt,

and you'll have one
for yourself.

Hi, Ted.

You got two sh/rts?

Well, I bought
an extra one.

Somewhere
over the rainbow...

Hey.

Just put it down.

There's a land
that I heard of

Once in a lullaby

Somewhere
over the rainbow...

Oh. that's Barbara.

So, the restaurant...
you in?

Yeah, I'm going in
for the same amount as you.

Yeah?

- Yeah, you got a problem?
- No, no.

- Is that all right? Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- All right, that looks great.

- I thought it came out really well.
- It really did.

I'm sorry it took
such a long time.

- It's just, with Chet... you understand.
- I know, I know.

Yeah, that looks good.

Oh, we're watching
"The Wizard of Oz."

You want to come back?
Come on.

Oh, why can't I?

Come on in,
have a seat.

Barbara,
do you know Ted?

Hi. Oh, my God, oh...

This was our movie.
Chet loved this song.

If happy little
bluebirds fly

Beyond the rainbow...

Chet's shirt...!

No, no!

Hey, asshole!