Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - The Massage - full transcript

In the second season finale, Larry is busted by a restaurant owner for stealing forks. Julia Louis-Dreyfus becomes so frustrated by the incident that she drops out of the pilot, and that ...

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Okay, here's the thing.

l just don't want to do this show.
l just don't want to do it anymore.

l've lost enthusiasm for it.

l just don't feel jazzed about it...

and l've kind of had it.

So let's just walk away from this.

lt's just too much of a headache
and l'm utterly exhausted, okay?

l can't believe you're saying this.

lt's such a great idea. lt's a great idea.

No, I know, Jeff, I know it's a great idea.
That's not what the issue is.

The problem,
quite honestly, has been you, Larry.


l mean, it's just been a fiasco
from start to finish.

lt just seems
that trouble seems to be following you.

He's a victim of circumstance.

Okay, it's his not being
a victim of circumstance, guys...

and, you know.... Lar, come on.

This has been a joke, it's been too much.

l don't know what to say,
l'm sorry that you feel that way.

-lt's a shame, because everyone loves it.
-Yeah, everyone loves it.

lt's what's gone on after
that's been the problem, but--

lf we were to continue,
where would we even go at this point?

Where would we even go?

What are our choices here, CBS?


-No, not Fox, I don't like their politics.
-CBS is where l'd like to go with it.

-What do you say? Come on, we'll do CBS--
-lt's just that it's tiring. This has been tiring.

He's gonna do it all from now on.
He will do it all.

At the next meeting,
you don't even have to say a word.

-l'll pitch the whole show, okay?

You don't even have to come and l'll sell it.

Just divorce yourself from the whole thing
until there's a script in front of you, okay?

-You are gonna do all of it?
-l will do the whole thing.

-The whole pitch.
-Yeah, the whole pitch.

Come on, one more shot.

Oh, my God, all right, CBS.


-That was a little dicey.
-Yeah, you know, I knew we had them.

-Did you?

They needed reassurance, I think, right?

They needed reassurance,
that's completely what it was.

-Don't stare, come on.
-Oh, my God, look at that.

l just read about that in the paper.
lt's called ''scarlet-letter punishment.''

''Scarlet-letter punishment''?

-Poor guy.

-Rick, how you doing?


You know that guy?

He works at the restaurant, Moho,
in your hotel.

The W Hotel.

Why didn't you say
hello to him? You know him.

He wanted to do a stop-and-chat.
l didn't want to do a stop-and-chat.

Where do you come up with these things?

He wanted to stop and chat with me
and I don't know him that well.

''Hi, how are you?
Nice to see you. Take care, bye.''

No, it's more than that.
For him, all I need to do is say hello--

That was kind of rude.

That was not rude.
l don't have to do a stop-and-chat.

You always have rules
and phrasings, ''stop-and-chat.''

Larry, would you
like to help us stuff some envelopes?


-Surprise, surprise.
-That shocks me.

Guess who l'm going to see.


Kim nails or Kim psychic?

-Kim psychic.

-Yes, l'm so excited.
-You're going back to that psychic?

Yeah, to Kim. I kept calling...

and finally she said that
somebody cancelled their appointment.

Last time, she was dead on.

She's great. Yeah.

She told Cheryl
that I was gonna get a hole in one in golf...

and I got a hole in one.

That's amazing, she's almost magical.

She also told Cheryl
l was gonna have a bad time in Hawaii...

-which I did, but, you know....
-But that wasn't so....

Only you could have a bad time in Hawaii.

Yeah, anybody could've predicted that.

And she said that one of my friends
was gonna get pregnant, Carrie...

and she even said the name
and she's pregnant...

and she's gonna have a baby,
and they're so happy.

-lt's unbelievable. How weird is that?
-She's amazing. She's spooky.

You know what I like about her?

Stuff that's bad, she doesn't hold back.
She'll tell you. Yeah.

'Cause a lot of psychics,
they hold back on the bad stuff.

Who's gonna pay to hear
a bunch of bad shit?

Nobody want to hear that.

Do you believe this?
What the hell are they doing?

Putt it.

Every hole...

they line up putts,
from the front, from the back.

They walk around.

Are they playing for thousands of dollars?
Come on.

-l know.
-l've got a five-hour round here.

-We're fine.
-We're fine?

-Enjoy yourself.
-l can't enjoy myself.

They can't feel your tension, okay?

You're just all wired up.

You know what? I got a masseuse.

This weekend you're gonna see her,
my treat.

You're just all tense.

You need to relax,
'cause golf doesn't relax you.

How can you relax
if these guys take a year like this?

You're right.

So, my treat.

Sorry about this,
they're taking a year up there.

No problem, don't worry about it.

-l'm telling you--
-All right, fine, l'll get it.

Finally, they're done.

l can't hit in front of an audience.
You know, I just can't.

-Right there, what's that?
-Yeah, that's a bad spot.

Yeah, let's try to breathe through it,
okay, together?

-ls that better?
-No, not really.

You know, sometimes,
the body has a memory...

and it holds on to traumatic events
from our childhood.

And do you think this might relate
to anything that may have happened to you?

My mother did throw me
against a brick wall...

when I was an infant. Maybe that had--


l didn't get hurt at all.


And have you ever talked
to her about this, maybe?

Yeah, l've mentioned it to her
a couple of times.

-She's okay with that?
-Yeah, she said I was a little prick.

-How's your chi?
-lt's good, it's delicious chi.

The whole body does better
when there's no blockages anywhere.

How are you feeling?

-All right.

Would you like me to finish you off?






Are you okay?

l'm just saying
if he gets Sarah Jessica Parker...

to do a guest shot on our show,
it would be great.

-How are you, man?

Good to see you.

-Good to see you.

-Absolutely. What's going on?
-ls this--

-What's going on?
-What's going on?

What's going on?
What in the God's name is wrong with you?

-You're nuts.
-You want me to wait outside?

No, I don't want you to wait outside.
l want you to hear this, okay?

-He sends me to a masseuse...

and, you know, after 45 minutes,
l'm on my back...

she says,
''Do you want me to finish you off?''

And I go, ''Okay.''

l don't know what the hell
she's talking about!

l think she'll work more on my neck
and that'll be it!

Then she puts her hand under the sheets
and starts pumping away.

Wait a minute,
are you messing around with me?

No, I didn't know
what she was talking about.

ls this a gag?
'Cause my character goes to a masseuse...

who wants to give him a happy ending.

-That happened on your show?
-You don't watch my show?

-You don't?

-l put my foot in my mouth, all right?
-l'm sorry, how's the show going?

-You don't watch it, why do you care?
-l'm just making conversation.

That's why l'm not
throwing it back your way.

-Did you enjoy it?
-l stopped it.

What do you mean? Who stops a whack-off?

-l stopped it after 1 2 pumps.
-No wonder you're still uptight.

You either do zero pumps
or a thousand pumps.

l don't know how I did it.

How did you do that?
What did you summon?

l don't know how I did it.

lf I stopped at 1 2 pumps,
l would tell my wife.

l'd go home and say,
''Honey, I was getting a massage...

''and I took 1 2 pumps
and I stopped 'cause I love you.''

-l will never ever tell her.
-l would.

And if your wife ever finds out,
you're a noble man, you made it stop.

She's not gonna find out,
don't worry about it.

All right.

Oh, my God.

She's got an appointment with...

that psychic today.

-The hole-in-one psychic?
-l told you about that?


The psychic told his wife
he would hit a hole in one, and he did.

-Could a psychic know something like that?
-She knew hole in one.

You better stop her from going.

-Larry, good seeing you.
-Good to see you, Mike.

Don't forget the CBS meeting.

CBS today, yeah, l'll see you there.
Don't be late.

She's great, do you want her number?


-Yes, l'm up here!


-How was your massage?

Good. Guess what?
l have made plans for us tonight.

-We're gonna celebrate your CBS deal.
-lt's not even--

Listen, I have a limo
that's gonna pick us up.

lt's gonna take us to Moho
for dinner at the W Hotel.

And then if we're feeling frisky...

then we can stay all night,
do whatever we want.

l saw that guy
who manages the place, Rick Crane.

l ran into him on the street the other day
and I didn't do a stop-and-chat.

He wanted to stop and talk,
and I just kept walking...

but I said hello,
but it could be a little touchy.

Why didn't you stop?

lt's too awkward and horrible
to do those stop-and-chats.

Don't worry about it.
l wouldn't worry about it.

-We probably won't even run into him.
-We have the meeting with CBS today.

lt's not a done deal or anything.
l don't even know--

Come on, it's as good as done, right?

Have you seen my keys?
l have an appointment with the psychic.

l'm actually running late. I got them.

-All right, I will see you later.
-Honey, I got a better idea.

-Let's fool around.

Right now? Listen, I have an appointment.

Forget the psychic. Let's fool around.

lt took me a long time to get this.
No, not right now!

No means no!

God, no, save it for tonight!

Larry, no. Listen, I have got to get going.

-You're gonna make me late.
-l've got a lump.

l'm afraid she's gonna tell you about it!

Do you hear what l'm saying? l'm dying!

And that's the name of the show.:
Aren't you Evelyn?

l like the edge of it because it's funny,
but it's a little quirky, too.

This is all Larry's idea.
He came to my office and pitched it...

and I immediately
just thought it was superb.

And, Lar, hello?

Hello? We're pitching.

Did she offer you coffee or water
or something?

She did. I don't want any,
but perhaps you'd like an espresso?

-We can make you a latte here.
-l'm okay, thank you.

-All right.
-You know, the thing that's hard...

about having been on a successful show...

is that it's great...

but everybody identifies me with Elaine.

Okay, so for instance...

recently, I was skiing
with my family in Jackson Hole.

And I was wearing the helmet, the goggles...

the big, baggy clothes,
covered in snow, blah, blah, blah....

l see your husband Larry.

-Yeah, he getting a massage.

He getting more than just a massage.

He's very happy.

Yeah, he having sex with her hand!

She pump 32 times, then....

So, that is an example, don't you think?

Larry, isn't that a good example...

-of trying to....
-Like the skiing thing.

-Like, when she was skiing.
-No, that's just what I said.

l know. She was skiing
and then she had the problem.

No, I said that, so--

Situations like that
are gonna come up on the show.

-Just like that.
-So, l'm thrilled that you're here.

-l'm a huge fan of both of you, obviously.
-Thank you.

And I love your idea...

and we would love
to be in business with you.

Great, terrific, fantastic!

Talk further about casting
and further, you know.

l've kind of gotta take off, l'll see you soon.

-Thank you.
-Nice to see you.

We'll be in touch.

How did it go?

lt went well, I think...

l think they really liked the show. I think...

l think they want to do it.

Aren't you gonna ask me
how my appointment went?

Right, the psychic. How did it go?

l know everything, Larry.

l know what happened.

What happened?
What do you mean, ''What happened''?

What happened, what happened?

What are you talking about,
did something happen?

-What happened?

That you're having an affair.

l'm not having an affair!

l know about it, she told me about it.

She told you what? What did she tell you?
That's insane!

She said that you're having an affair
with a woman with long, red hair...

and a tattoo of a star.

l have not touched another woman,
that's ridiculous.

-l'm not having any affair!
-You're not having an affair.

-Why would she make up a story like that?

l don't know why she would.
Maybe she's an anti-Semite.

l don't think so.

-You don't think so?

l'm sure there's some Korean anti-Semites.

She's not Korean.

She's American.

She's American?
l thought you said her name was Kim.

Her name is Kim.

This is not the point.

The point is that she told me
this whole thing about you having an affair.

-She's wrong.
-She seemed very sure of it.

No, it's not true. l'm not having an affair.
l have never touched another woman.

Never ever...

ever, ever.

lf you were having an affair,
you'd probably lie about it, wouldn't you?

l would imagine I would.

Then how do I know that this just isn't a lie?

Because if I just told you
the truth about that...

it means that l'm just a truthful person
who would tell you the truth about anything.

No affair, sorry.

-Who's gonna have an affair with me?

l'm not a cool guy.
You gotta be cool to do that.

-That's true.
-l couldn't do that.

-l won't know how, what would I do?
-l don't know, you won't be good at it.

lt took me six months
to even put a move on you.

l know.

She didn't say anything
about my health, right?

-Come on.


l know, because I had this whole night
planned for us--

We'll still have a great night.
Come on, I want to, we're gonna celebrate.

-l got the thing, CBS, come on!
-l know.

Come on, don't listen to this nonsense.

-Thank you.
-You're very welcome.

-You don't have to do that, I got it.
-l got it, it's my job.

So what are you gonna do now?

-l'll be in the car.
-You're waiting in the car?

l'll be waiting in the car. l'll wait for you.

-Okay, we'll be a couple of hours, I guess.
-That's great.

-All right?
-That's fine, that's how it works.

-Thank you. You guys enjoy your meal.
-Great, we're going to.

-You'll be all right here?
-l'll be fine.

Okay, thank you.

Look at the size, why'd you get
a stretch limo? lt's gigantic.

-'Cause we're celebrating.
-l know, but we could've got a town car.

But that doesn't say we're celebrating.

-What is this?
-A little bit of a line.

-l'm not gonna wait for this.
-Just wait your turn.

l'm joking, what's the matter with you?
l'm gonna push them out of the way.

-You don't know sometimes.
-Good evening.

-Hi, so nice to see you.
-So glad you could join us.

-Thank you. Nice to meet you.
-How's it going?


-l'll seat you myself.

-Right this way.
-Thank you.

-l hope this table's to your liking.
-Sure, thank you.

-Very good, thank you.
-My pleasure.

-A little chilly in here.
-Yeah, isn't it?

-This is lovely.
-Did you hear this guy?

Have you been catching on
what's going on here?

-What's going on here?
-With this guy, what's going on?

He's been completely snubbing me.

lt's not even subtle, it's ridiculous.
Thank you.

-Hi, l'll be back for your drink order.
-Okay, thanks.

You gotta stop and talk to people like
there's so much information to exchange.

''Hello, how you doing?''
''How are you?'' ''Good.''

''How's it going with you?'' ''Good.''

''Okay, take it easy.''

Are you gonna get an appetizer
or are you going straight to the main dish?

l don't know.

What'll we do about that driver, let him sit
in the car for the next couple of hours?

That's his night?

That's why he gets paid,
he sits there and waits. lt's not a bad job.

l know. But l'm uncomfortable with him
just sitting out there waiting for us.

-l feel like I have to hurry, you know?
-Didn't you used to drive a limo?

-Did you do waiting? You had to wait.
-Yeah, I know, and I hated it.

l've decided that
this is my favorite restaurant.

-lt's really good, isn't it?
-The shrimp is so good, I can't get over it.

Shrimp are great,
but I hate ordering the same thing.

-What do you mean?
-We both got the same dish.

Why? I wouldn't give you any of mine
if I had something different.

What are we gonna do about dinner for,
what's his name, Greg, the driver?

Should we buy him dinner?
l don't know what to do.

-The limo guy?

How many times
are we gonna talk about Greg?

He'll be hungry.
Should we order a dinner for him?

No, I think it's too late for that.

l got some leftovers here. Maybe l'll just
get him a doggie bag or something.

ls that bad?
l don't have to eat these two shrimp.

Are you gonna finish that shrimp?
Your last shrimp?

Yes, I am gonna finish that, thank you.

Boy, l'm almost full already.
And you're a shrimp ahead of me.

What do you think, are you gonna eat that?

No, l'm gonna give it to the limo driver.

You don't have to,
you want to finish it, go ahead.

-No, I don't want it now.
-Go ahead--

No, l'm telling you l'm done.

-l got you some food.
-That's great, thanks.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, there's some shrimp in there and....

Just, like, leftovers?

There's shrimp and....

There's some rice in there.
But I didn't touch any of the shrimp.

l divided the rice very carefully.
lt's all clean, it's all good.

How am I supposed to eat?
There's no fork, there's no napkin.

-l can't eat this.
-l'm sorry, I forgot the fork.

l'll go....

-l'll go get you a fork and a napkin.
-All right. That'd be great.

-That's fine.

We should've got the guy a dinner.

Giving him leftovers like that,
that was crazy.

He should be happy
that you got him something.

-Just sit down, honey.
-l gotta get him a fork.

l didn't give him a fork.

-You haven't even eaten your pie yet?
-l'm waiting for you.

Okay. l'll give him a fork, l'll be right back.

-You're going back out there?
-l gotta give the guy a fork.

l'll be right back, okay? l'll be right back.

Larry, how's it going?

-The food was sensational.

Yeah, really spectacular.

Wonderful, do you mind telling me
what you got in your pocket?

-A pen.
-l was thinking of the other pocket.

l got a napkin and a fork.

There's a driver outside.

Pardon me for suggesting this, but it seems
like you're walking out with our silverware.

l am, in a way, but l'm not stealing it.

l'm just borrowing it for a minute, and
letting him eat his meal, then l'll get it back.

We're having dessert. l'll give him
two minutes, and get back the fork.

l call that stealing.

Okay, I know what this is about.

You're upset, the other day
when I saw you on the street...

and I didn't do a little stop-and-chat.

You know what,
l'm not good at artificial small talk.

-''Hello, how are you?'' kind of thing.
-l don't know what you're talking about.

-Could you wait right there?
-What? What are you doing?

l'm gonna call the police.

You'll be appearing
at the West Los Angeles municipal court.

-Judge Katz.
-That's a lovely building.

-Yeah, you're gonna like that.
-lf you could sign right here, please.

All right, I guess in hindsight...

l probably should've
let the guy eat with his hands.

That would've been
the better thing to do, right?

Just have him get it all over his face...

and have dogs come up maybe
and lick it off him.

That's really what I should've done.

Sir, you'll have every opportunity
to present your case to Judge Katz.

-The court date is on the back.

-And you have a good evening.
-Yes, you, too, thank you very much.

Oh, God, the driver.
Shit, I completely forgot.

l am so sorry.

l had the fork, and the guy caught me taking
the fork out of the restaurant...

and he called the police.

-l have to go before a judge!
-Don't worry about it, l'm okay, thanks.

-Did you eat the food?
-No, l'll get something on the way home.

-Don't worry about it, l'm good.
-l'm sorry.

So l'll maybe call you next week?

-That was great, thank you.
-You're welcome.

Excuse me.

l'm sorry, I know
this sounds strange. I just....

Do you have a tattoo of a star?

How did you know that?

-Can I just--
-Yeah, on my arm, that's wild.

Cheryl, what are you doing?


ln the matter of Larry David,
the record reflect the presence of Mr. David.

This case is here for sentencing.

Mr. David, you wish to be heard
before I impose sentence on you?

Yes, Judge Katz.
And may I say, ''Shabbat shalom. ''

What happened is simply
that I was trying to...

bring a fork to a working man...

who was a driver, a limousine driver...

and he had dinner,
but he did not have a fork to eat it....

All I was did was attempted
to bring him a fork and a napkin...

so he wouldn't have to eat with his hands
and get it all over his face and his clothing.

And it was only
out of some personal animus...

that the restaurateur had toward me
because I ran into him on the street...

and I didn't stop
and have a little chat with him.

You know, I don't like to make
little chit-chat on the street.

l like to have a real conversation
with people.

lt's touching what you tell me.
lt seems to me there was an indication...

that you were gonna do what you wanted,
when you wanted...

because you feel because of your celebrity...

somehow you can do things
without consequences.

Mr. David, I need your help in this.

Obviously, a fine isn't going to do anything.

lt just won't mean anything to you,
you have too much money.

So, what do you expect this court to do
for the public to understand...

l'm not according you
any special treatment?

l could work at the temple
on Saturday mornings...

hand out tallises and yarmulkes.

And you think this is a fitting punishment?
lsn't it a joy?

Temple can be quite grueling,
as you well know.

You know, Mr. David,
l've been thinking about this.

And you know what l'm gonna do?

l'm gonna give you a sentence
that will guarantee...

that you will never, ever do this again.

l swear to God, l'm not lying.

Hi, Larry.

l didn't beat my wife.

How's the shrimp, Al?

Are you enjoying the shrimp
from the Chinese restaurant?


That was a water bottle in my pants.

A water bottle!

Here's a good question
for Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.:

''What idiot runs ABC?''

But l'm not gonna....

lt's a long story.

l was trying to help a driver,
a working man...

so he wouldn't have to eat with his hands...

Miss CBS bigwig.