Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Baptism - full transcript

Cheryl and Larry head to Monterey to attend her sister's wedding. Larry is peeved that the man her sister is marrying is a Jewish man converting to Christianity. But Larry has even bigger ...

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Good morning.


Larry, no.

-No, what? What are you talking about?
-Didn't you just wear that jacket yesterday?

Yeah, l'm wearing the exact same outfit.

l didn't feel like going through...

that whole decision process
of picking out an outfit.

lt's awful.

You know what?
l think it's time to get rid of it.

What're you talking about?
What's the matter with it?

Everything. Look at it, it's maroon.

-Maroon, yeah.
-lt's got....

-You think that's a good look?
-l think it's a good color for me, yeah.

-lt's not.

Why don't you just take it off...

because l'm getting some clothes together
for that homeless guy...

that hangs out by the gas station?

l've had this jacket
since I started doing, since Seinfeld.

-Yeah, I believe you.
-This is my show night jacket.

-l wore this on show night.
-Okay, great.

But you know, it's really time...

to update your wardrobe a little,
don't you think?

What? Get the hell out of here!

-What are you....

This will be quick and painless.
There you go.

Richard Lewis is in your office.

So, l'm not gonna be around this weekend...

in case you wanna get in touch
with me for some reason.

-Where you going?
-l'm going to Monterey.

-That's nice.
-Yeah, Cheryl's sister is getting married.

-Becky's getting married? Really?
-Yeah, to a Jew. Marrying a Jew.

Really? So am l.
They make the best husbands.

And he's converting.

He's getting baptized
and the whole thing, whatever.


But, you know what?

l'll leave you the number
where l'm gonna be staying...

-just in case anything comes up.

l came up here for the tape,
and thank you, but l....

God, I hate doing this, 'cause, you know,
you always take it the wrong way.

You take everything the wrong way,
ever since l've known you.

Seven years ago,
l was in Paris, and I remember it exactly--

Forget Paris!

All right, you stole my outgoing message
on my answering machine.

What, are you crazy? What, are you nuts?

l know you're ethical, l'm ethical.

You know, when people steal jokes,
we fucking hate that.

But I hate when people
fucking steal my outgoing messages.

You don't even know
what you're talking about.

You have my same
answering machine outgoing message...

and it bugs me!

-That's my message!
-l wrote it in Paris!

You wrote it in Paris?
l had that message seven years ago!

-Seven years....

l wrote it seven and a half years ago!

Whose word are you gonna trust, okay?

An ex-alcoholic's,
or a person who was lucid 24 hours a day...

his whole life?

-Do me a favor?

-Please change it.

'Cause it's really bothering me.

l want you to change that
'cause people call me...

and they call you, and they go,
''Larry David has the same thing.''

So I say, ''lt's not Larry David's, it's mine.''

l don't have a wife,
l don't have, you know....

My parents are dead. You have a family.

Come on, change it. Can you.... Come on.

He doesn't have a wife,
and his parents are dead.

That's right. I hold onto these things, man.

Doesn't have a wife,
and his parents are dead.

Do me a favor and change it for me.

Yeah, l'll change it,
because you don't have a wife...

and your parents, you lost your parents.

l'm laughing, 'cause you're funny.

And they would've been 95,
but they're dead.

-l'm laughing but if you don't change it--
-lt's a shame.

Are you done?

Yeah, l'm done.
l didn't steal your message, asshole.

l didn't take it.

You took it from me, but you know what?
l'll be the man.



Hi, we're not in. Please leave a message
at the tone. Thank you.


-What's wrong with that?
-What's wrong? lt's because it's not fair.

-At least it's an admission of guilt.
-lt's not an admission of guilt.

How's that an admission of guilt?
l was the man.

l'm a big man. l'm a big, expansive man.

You're a small, petty man.

Don't change that.

l remember when you made that message.
l thought it was very funny.

You know, so then to show
that I was the man...

l changed the message
right in front of him in the office.

-From the office?

l didn't know
you could change your outgoing message.

-Yeah, it was easy.
-l thought you had to be here.

What do I got to take?
Do I need a traveling outfit?

Yes, you need a traveling outfit,
you need something for the baptism.

-So, we're probably--
-What is a baptism anyway?

-You don't know what a baptism is?
-l have no idea.

-Something to do with water?

l can't believe
you don't know what a baptism is.

-l don't know what it is.
-You'll find out tomorrow, firsthand.

You're gonna witness the whole thing.

What does the average gentile
wear to a baptism?

-Blue blazer and a red tie and a white shirt?

-Yeah, do you have that?
-My St. Anthony's....

Khakis and a blue blazer
would be wonderful.

-And then something for the wedding?
-Then something for the wedding.

-Then the next day?

Boy, this is rough.

This guy's converting.

Why is he doing that?

You guys come to our side,
we don't go to your side.

Yeah. Jews don't convert.
l'm really surprised.

You know what? lf he didn't convert,
she wouldn't marry him.

l know that about Becky. She's very....

She's very passionate about her religion.

Why do Christians take
everything so personally...

with Christ, you know?

lt's like, not only
do you have to worship him...

you want everybody to.

lt's like, I like lobster.
Do I go around pushing lobster on people?

Do I say,
''You must like lobsters, eat lobster.

''lt's good, it's good''?
You know, it's not only where you live.

You go to Africa,
you travel all over the world.

''Eat lobster, have some more lobster,
it's good.''

-l don't really think it's--
-''We want you to have lobster!''

Lobster and religion,
l really don't see the similarities.

What time is the car
picking us up in the morning?

l'm gonna drive.

-Let's just take--
-No, I don't wanna take that car service.

They never show up,
they're not dependable.

Then we have to find a parking space
when we get to the airport.

We'll leave early, that's okay.

-Look at all this.
-That's too much stuff.

Come on, honey, let's get going!

l can't find the tickets.

When was the last time you had them?

My office.

l left them in the office.


That's okay, we got time.

lt's all right, we have time.
We got up early enough.

They're not there.

And I know where they are.

Yesterday, when I pressed
the security code to get into my office...

there was this creepy guy
and he was watching me...

and he saw me press every number.

l'll bet you he got into that office.
l knew it. He was standing there...

and I knew something was gonna happen.

Somebody came into your office
and stole airline tickets to Monterey?

l knew I should've said
something to the supervisor.

Why would somebody
steal tickets to Monterey?

Why not? Monterey's a beautiful place.

Was anything else stolen?
Was anything else gone?

l don't know, I wasn't paying attention.

All our information is on there,
our address, our phone number.

He's not gonna break into our house,
he's going to Monterey.

This is ridiculous.

l'll call the airline
and tell them what happened.

He can't get on the plane
with our tickets, can he?

Why can't he? lt's a ticket.

He hands them the ticket,
he walks on the plane. Call the airline.

No, I don't think it works like that.
l don't know.

All right, just tell them what's going on.

Okay. Hi. Yes, AirWest?

Thank you.

They're connecting.

Hi, my name is Cheryl David and l'm....

l'm on hold.

Well? What?

l'm still on hold, Larry.
How are we doing on time?

l don't know. We'll make it, I think.

Hi, yes.

We're on our way to the airport right now,
our tickets have been stolen.

Somebody's gonna get
on the plane with our tickets.


They just put me on hold.

They're gonna get a supervisor.

Look at this.

Should I go to Lincoln?

-Whatever you want.
-l need Lincoln approval.

-l can't do it on my own, tell me.
-Then go Lincoln!

There's the lot.


Okay, let me just....

No, because l've already spoken to you.

That's what l'm saying,
l can't.... You cannot help me.

-No, I need a....
-Just forget it.

You know what? Just forget it.
We're already here at the airport.

There's no spaces.

-This is unbelievable.
-Yeah, parking is hard to find at the airport.

That's something new, Larry.

Maybe in retrospect,
we should've taken the car service.

Oh, my God.

Larry, we've been down this aisle.

What's this guy doing?


Excuse me, you leaving?

Yeah, he's leaving.


So I guess we'll just run to the gate....
Maybe he's already in our seat.

l wonder if he brought a date.

What's taking this guy so long?

-What the hell is he doing?

Yeah, it's all right, take your time.
Nobody's waiting for you.

Make a call, have a cup of coffee.

And then have a nice bagel.

Take a little nap.

That's fine.

What are you doing in there?

Trade places, you can do it over here.
l'm trying to get catch a plane, sir.

Get here earlier. lt's not my fault.

-Thanks for the tip.
-She's leaving.

Good, okay.



-Did he not....

lf the lot's full,
why do they even let you go in?

They shouldn't even give you a ticket.

Gotta drive around
like an idiot for 15 minutes?

God, look at that line.

-What do you wanna do?
-We don't have time to stand in line.

-We just can't cut right in front.
-This is an exception.

We'll have to go to the front and tell her.

-Go to the front?

We'll just explain the situation.
We don't have time, Larry, come on.

-Where are you guys going?

-Excuse me, we're in line.
-Somebody took our tickets.

We've lost our tickets.

l'd be happy to help you
if you step to the back of the line.

We really don't have time.
l was actually on the phone--

l understand that, but you need
to get to the back of the line, please.

Everybody here has been waiting, okay?

l will take care of you
when it's your turn, okay? Thank you.

ls the plane filled up?

Sir, please get to the back of the line
right now, thank you.

l'm so sorry about that.
All right, where were we?

You're all set.

l got the guy. That's the guy.

-l got the guy.

Okay, you can give me the ticket.

-l want the ticket.
-l don't know what you're talking about.

What l'm talking about?

l'm talking about the ticket
you took from my office.

You memorized the building code,
entered the office.

l want the ticket. I gotta get on the plane.

-You got me confused with somebody else.
-l don't think so.

l don't have your ticket.

-Yeah, right.
-l have my own ticket.

Of course you do.

lt's a bereavement thing, my mother's death.

Right, okay, yeah.
l'd like to take a look at it, okay?

-lt's your ticket, right?
-You wanna see my ticket?

Yeah, I do.

You wanna see? Let's take a look, all right?

-What's the name right here?

ls it your name? No, it's mine.
''Chris Darga.''

See, if this were yours,
it would say ''Fucking Douchebag.''


Sorry about your mother.

Ladies and gentlemen,
AirWest flight 1459 to Monterey, California...

is now boarding rows 16 through 30.

Once again for all AirWest passengers,
flight 1459 to Monterey...

we are boarding rows 16 through 30.

l know what you did.

-You talking to me?

-l know.

-The ticket.
-What ticket?

What are you talking about?

The ticket right here, to Monterey.

-l know, come on.
-l think you got the wrong guy.

Give me the ticket back,
l won't say anything--

l don't have your ticket.
What are you talking about?

Come on, the ticket.

Go fuck yourself.


Ladies and gentlemen,
AirWest flight 1459 to Monterey...

is now boarding rows one through 15.

-What are you doing?
-l was looking for the guy.

Did you look at these people?
Did you see anything?

l don't know who you're looking for, Larry.

Final boarding call for flight 1459,
non-stop to Monterey.

Will all remaining passengers please board?

Okay, you know,
your flight won't leave for another hour...

so you have plenty of time.
We're not even boarding that yet...

so just take it easy
and we'll call you when we're ready. Thanks.

Hi. We lost our tickets.
We need to get on this flight right now.

Somebody stole our tickets,
they're on the plane.

l don't have a single ticket.
l'm completely sold out. l'm sorry.

We already have tickets.

The point is, somebody is in our seats, see?

-l don't think that's--
-No, that's very possible--

Actually, the door is closed.

That means I am not legally allowed
to go back on the plane.

l can get you on another flight--

Somebody's sitting
in our seats on the plane.

-We have tickets for that flight.
-Can I see the tickets, please?

-We don't have them.
-They were stolen.

l can't go on the plane, my hands are tied.

But what I can do for you
is I can get you on the next flight...

which will get you in at 4:00.

That would not be good, actually.

We would miss the baptism,
we would miss--

l'm sorry.

We're trying to go to a wedding,
and we need to be there in a few hours--

l have an idea, I think I can actually....
Maybe this will work.

l don't have another flight to Monterey...

but I can send you through San Francisco.
10:30, it would get you into San Francisco.

lt's only an hour flight.

You can rent a car to Monterey.
lt's about 100 miles.

That'd get you in by about 2:00,
and that should work for you.

Then we wouldn't miss the baptism.

-That's fine.

l'll set that up for you.

l need a credit card
and l'll get this all rolling for you.

Larry, give her your credit card.

-You got the cell phone?

l wanna call Richard Lewis.
l want you to corroborate this message.

-That is so ridiculous.
-Why is it ridiculous?

That is such a funny message.

How did you ever come up
with something like that?

You are so clever.
l'm sitting here with my wife...

and I believe that she can shed some light
on this controversy.

-So, just hold on.
-No, I don't wanna do that.

-Come on, Cheryl.
-Stop it.

l don't want to do it, Larry.
l don't feel like doing that right now.

She'll talk to you in person.

She wants to discuss this in person.


Flight 627 to San Francisco....

Thank you.

All passengers in rows 16 and higher
may board now.

-All set.
-How long does it take to get to Monterey?

-About two hours.
-Two hours? We can still make it.

Okay. l'm gonna drive. Thank you.

Jesus Christ, slow down.

l'm gonna check the machine.

Have you ever had a fresh grape?

l've had fresh apples,
never had a fresh grape.

l've never had a fresh cherry,
never had a fresh pear.

Never seen a pear.
Never saw a pear outside of a fruit stand.

What's going on?
The machine's not even coming on.

There's no message.

The message that you changed
from your office?

-Yeah. lt's not working?

-Did you check it after you changed it?

No, I didn't check it,
l thought it was.... I did it right.


So what?

So we miss a couple of calls, big deal.

This is nice country, don't you think?
Nice country up here.

Maybe we should move up here.
Think we should?

l think you should look at the map
and find out where we are exactly.

Settle down?
Are we settled down, do you think?

l mean, what do you have to be
to be settled down?

We have a house, and chairs.

You know, grape works as a soda,
sort of as a gum...

but I wonder why it doesn't work as a pie.

Grape pie? There's no grape pie.

l don't know...

did we think
we really needed Alaska and Hawaii?

They gotta ruin everything.

They ruined the continental United States.

Yeah, we have a beautiful Pacific coast,
Atlantic coast...

that's the continental United States.

You don't need more states.
We're not the British empire.

What, are they trying to turn us
into the British empire?

-And what is Puerto Rico anyway?
-Please, I am trying to drive.

Okay, that's three-tenths of a mile,
right there.


-l don't know.

-lt's gotta be around here, right?
-ls that a....

-ls that a row of pines?
-l will be so mad...

if we miss this. This is a row of pines.

We already passed pines.

-ls that a car?
-lsn't that a row of pines?

-ls that a car up there?
-Stupid directions.

Let's just stop and get out and take a look.

-lt's gotta be around here.
-l don't know.


No, Larry!

What's going on? No! My God! Honey, kick!

Jesus, get him! He can't swim!

-Get him! Hold your breath! Kick!


Hold on!

How you doing?

Anybody need a change of dry clothes?

-Hot bath?
-You happy about this, Larry?

ls this what you had in mind?
You like this, you dick?

Honey, it's fine.

lt's not fine.
What the hell is the matter with you?

l thought that he was drowning him.
l'm sorry!

Bullshit, you didn't think he was drowning,
you didn't want him to convert.

-So you came screaming to stop it.
-What do I care? I don't care if he converts.

That is ridiculous.
You didn't want to lose a Jew.

l don't care if I lose Jews.
Take them all, I don't need them.

That was the point of the baptism,
but you came and blew it.

-What is that supposed to mean?
-l want you, I don't want you to be a Jew.

Tell her it was an accident,
you didn't mean to interrupt.

l never saw a baptism before,
l don't know what it is.

-How can you not know what it is?
-l'd never been to one.

l've never been to a bris,
but I know what it is.

He didn't mean to interrupt you.

Larry, can I have a word with you
for a second?

Come here. You don't know me, Dave Levin.

l'm the schmuck's brother-in-law.

-What you did is a very gutsy thing.
-No, I didn't do anything.

You don't have to take a bow for it,
l'm just telling you.

As one Jew to another,
it's a gutsy thing to come in and step in.

-l didn't even--
-A mitzvah for my family, thank you.

-That's the wife.
-You did good. Excuse me, you did good.

But I didn't even... I thought he was....

Don't be modest about this.
You're with us now.

You're with us now, all right?

The question is, what do we do now?
When do we go back in?

-What do you mean, go back in?

-We gotta finish it.
-Finish it? I did it. I did what I said l'd do.

l got under the water, you held me under.

No, you just kind of started it,
but it didn't really work.

Not complete.

That's not my fault,
l did what I was supposed to do.

But you gotta go back in.

l dunked you one time,
you need to be dunked three times.

You need two more dunks.

You're joking, right?
l don't want anymore dunking.

Get back in, a couple of dunks, you're done.

l don't wanna go back in there.
lt was hard enough the first time.

l like the way you told them
you've never seen a baptism before.

-l've never heard of that.
-That was brilliant.

You're a genius.

You know, I thought
something had to be done, really.

You did it. You done did it, boy.

-So, I said that thing about the baptism.
-Yeah, Rabbi Akiva says it takes one man.

We don't have to do it in a river.
Do you have a tub in this house?

-Yes, of course, we have a tub.
-We can fill the tub up.

l'll tell you what,
get me a cup of water, l'll sprinkle you.

-Just a cup of water.
-l don't think it's about the river.

l don't think I should be doing this.

-You know what?

l don't know what it's like to have a baptism,
or what you're supposed to feel...

but I felt something. When I was held
under the water, I felt a revelation...

like it was some sort of message from God
that I shouldn't do this.

After I came out of the water,
l didn't feel like a Christian...

l felt like even more of a Jew.

What are you talking about?

l'm just saying something happened to me
there that told me...

someone or something was saying,
''Don't do this, be happy with who you are.

''You're Jewish and that's okay.''

l need for you to be a Christian
before I marry you.

Whoever steps up
and does something like that?

-l feel good.
-You should.

-You're amazing.
-You're a hero.

Thank you.

l'd like you talk
at my daughter's Bat Mitzvah.

Something changed my mind for me,
makes me feel different now.

-l think it was the baptism.
-Then we're not getting married.

-l'm not getting baptized.
-l'm not getting married.

-Okay, Sheldon, Becky--
-Larry, did you hear that?

We're not getting married!
You happy now, you son of a bitch?

Don't call him a son of a bitch,
he's not a son of a bitch.

This man happened to do
a wonderful thing today.

-What are you saying...

that being a Christian
isn't a wonderful thing?

-What are you insinuating?
-He's not saying that.

lt's wonderful for you,
we resent the recruitment.

We don't need you.

Everything's a big problem with you people!

lt's good to be home.

There's my jacket,
there's the guy you gave my jacket to!

Can you help me out?

-Remember me? I gave you the jacket.

That's my jacket,
it looks really good on you.

l'm glad you could use it, there you go.

-Thank you.

-Thanks again for--
-Okay, bye.

Oh, dear. Yes?

l found these airplane tickets.

l tried to call you.
The phone number was on there.

You guys don't have a phone machine?