Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Shaq - full transcript

After Larry accidentally trips and injures Shaq during a Lakers game, everything seems to start going his way.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Spencer is too adorable. Totally adorable.

Jill, how old is he now?

-He's 1 4 months.
-So cute.

They grow so fast, it's amazing.
You have them and it's instant.

-lt's instantaneous growth.
-Look at this tiny little broccoli here.

Where's the bottom of the broccoli?

Can somebody tell me what they did
to the bottom of the broccoli?

l like the bottom, it's crunchy.


You know, look at this broccoli,
there's nothing.

They cut the whole thing off,
there's no bottom.

ls there one person at this table
who can eat cauliflower?

What is it?
Who put this on earth, this vegetable?

Larry, Jeremy has something
he wants to ask you.

-He's been wanting to ask.
-lt's really no big deal.

lt's, you know, l'm applying for a fellowship.

You want to switch glasses
with me, is that it?

l like that whole Clark Kent thing
you got happening there.

Thanks. lt works at the galleries, you know.

So l'm applying for a fellowship
at the LA County Museum of Art and....

Yeah, l'm real excited.

But I need a letter of recommendation...

and I would absolutely
be indebted to you forever...

if you could do it for me.

-l would appreciate it so much.
-l love the indebted part, believe me.

Don't get me wrong.

You know, I don't really
know that much about art.

But you know about Jeremy.
That's the point, right?

And his work, right?

-Just that he'd be an asset to the county.

That seems easy enough.


-Sure, okay.
-That'd be great.

-Thank you very much for it. Okay.
-Here's to Larry.

And to the fellowship
that's gonna be, all right?

-Yes, absolutely.
-And to the Lakers.

-The Lakers' season starting up tomorrow.
-That's right.

You're not a Lakers fan are you?
You're a Knicks fan.

-l'm a Knicks fan, yeah.
-Table for one.

But l'm going tomorrow night.

My manager has season tickets
right next to the Laker bench.

-He's got the most unbelievable seats.
-Pretty amazing.

-That's pretty amazing.
-But you're a Knick fan.

l'll root for the other team.
l can't stand the Lakers, really.

-No, I can't stand them.

l get so much satisfaction out of seeing...

19,000 people disappointed
when they lose, I just....

Right, when they lose, which is very seldom.

Very seldom. I mean, they have Shaq.
Best player that ever lived. End of story.

-l'll be right back.
-l am a sucker for cilantro, l'll tell you.

l had I just need to seize this moment
while Bob's in the bathroom.

But, Jeremy and Larry,
for Bob's 40th birthday...

what I want to do is to give him...

one of those books
where each person does a page.

-You know what I mean?
-What do you mean, a page?

lt could be anything you want.
Like, if you would draw something.

You could do an art piece,
and you could write a recollection of Bob...

or a poem, or something you can share.

Make it funny, would be great,
if you could make it funny.

-Great, I would love to do that.
-Thank you, he would love that.

-That'd be an honor.
-Larry, would you like to do that?

-A page?
-That would be nice.

l mean, I have a limited amount of time.

l've got his letter to write.

You know, Bob's thing
doesn't have to be a big thing.

-You could do that, honey.

Really? Good, thank you.

Thank you, that'll be great.
Bob's birthday is on Saturday.

So, if I could pick it up around Wednesday.

Does anybody want to split
cheesecake or something?

-l'd love dessert.
-Actually, we cannot stay for dessert.


My parents came into town,
and I hate to leave them by themselves.

-Where are you guys going?
-We're on our way back.

-My parents are in town.
-Let's see, you want some....

You want some money for this dinner?

You want some money for the dinner?


l don't know, how much was this?

$60, or what, I don't know, $80?
What did you have?

l mean, we just had some turkey.

What did we have,
turkey and a glass of wine?

l don't even know
what to put down here. I mean, l'm....

$90, how's that, is that good? ls $90 good?

$1 10?

$1 15, what'd you have?

Chicken and turkey
and a glass... I got $1 15, is that cool?

-All right, bye, you guys.
-Bye, Cheryl.

Thanks for coming out.

-Larry, aren't you gonna say goodbye?
-Yeah, of course l'm gonna say goodbye.

-All right, bye you guys.
-l was gonna say goodbye.

-Drive safe, okay?
-l left $1 15.

l go out to dinner, I wind up
with a homework assignment.

What was all that goodbye business?
That was really embarrassing.

l wanted to remind you to say goodbye.

l was gonna say goodbye, l'm not a moron.
l know how to--

-Sometimes you don't.

Sometimes you forget
to say goodbye to people.

l forget to say goodbye?
Never in my life have I forgotten.

Yes, you have. Then people think
that you're doing it intentionally.

That's ridiculous.
You know how much I paid for that dinner?

l just kept putting money down.
Why didn't they stop me?

-Why did you keep putting money down?
-Because they didn't stop me.

-Thank you.
-You didn't have to put in that much.

l kept saying, ''ls that enough?'' $80, $90.

l hope my parents found something to eat.
l didn't even think about that.

-How long are they staying for, anyway?
-They're staying till next week...

when we go to Monterey
for Becky's wedding.

-lt doesn't work because that--
-Okay, all right!

-l think they mean normally.
-Okay, but then I want Arabia.

We already settled that.

-lt's not a country.
-lt is a country.

-Hi, guys.

-ls Arabia a country?
-Arabia? No, it's Saudi Arabia.

You don't know what the hell
you're talking about...

''Mr. Expert in somebody else's field.''

What are you guys playing, Scattergories?

-Can I play?

Hope you don't mind, we raided your games.

-No, I don't care.
-No, we haven't played this--

And your liquor.

You wanna play a quick round
of Scattergories?

-No, l'm gonna go up.
-Yeah, thank you, Captain Geography.

Larry, don't you say goodnight?

Goodnight, sorry.


Okay, ''J,'' five, go!

Ohio State, that's a college with an ''O.''

For heaven's sake.
Give me time, I want to do it, too.



Honey, please don't yell
at my parents like that.

-l wasn't yelling, I was helping.

-They're not real, though.
-So what? They're in the sky.

So what do you know about this page?

Do you know anything about these pages?
Do you paste it on something?

What do you know?
She's very vague about the whole thing.

What are you supposed to write on it?
She wants a poem?

''Something funny,'' she said.
ls it lined paper?

Maybe l'll make little
fancy edges on the end.

Don't they have, like, special scissors
to make those fancy edges on the end?

Are you going to be using
your light much longer?

l've been working on my letter, too...

to the county museum,
my letter of recommendation.

Would you like to hear it?

''Dear LA County Museum.

''This is a letter of recommendation
for a guy named...

''a guy name Jeremy,
who's somewhat of an acquaintance.

''And he draws beautiful concentric circles...

''and geometric figures
that are quite moving.''

By the way, I could make those
triangles and those circles.

You know, is that art?
l mean, if I could do it, is that art?


''Dear County Board.

''l'm writing on behalf of Jeremy....''


''l'll find out his last name
and write back to you.''


So, have you ever done one of these pages?

No. lt's stupid.

Who are you going to dinner with?

-What situation did you put yourself in?
-lt's all our friends.

Listen, I can't go to the Laker game tonight.

-Yeah, Susie's gotta go to New York...

'cause her mom's sick,
and I gotta watch the kid.

My gosh, so what are you gonna do?
Who's getting the ticket?

Why don't you give it to Lewis?

-Go with him.

-Jeffy, how are you?
-Al, how are you doing?

Good to see you, how are you?

Good, Albert Mayo, Larry David,
Larry David, Albert Mayo.

Nice to meet you.

-Shaq's agent.
-No kidding?

l'm going to the game tonight.

-Are you really?
-l got his seats.

You're going to love....
You're the Seinfeld guy, right?

-Shaq loves your show.

-Yeah, loves it.

l gotta run, I gotta get to the Center.
Enjoy the game, have a good time.

-lt was great to meet you.
-Did you play anything?

-Yeah, I won $300 off Doc Wiggins.
-Beautiful, see you later.

-l'll see you tonight.

-Let's go.
-Just one favor.

Just look at this thing on my back.

-What is that?
-What do you think that is?

l don't know what that is.
You know, you ought to go to a doctor.


You know that guy right over there?

That's Dr. Wiggins,
that's who he was talking about.

-He's the Lakers' doctor, go ask him.
-But he's an orthopedic, right?

They gotta know all the stuff.
He can look at it and go:

''That's something or nothing.''

lf he tells you it's nothing
to worry about, you're fine.

-l'm gonna go hit some balls.
-l'll see you at the range.

Dr. Wiggins?

-How you doing?

l'm sorry to bother you with this.

l got a little thing on my back,
and I was hoping...

you could save me
a visit to a dermatologist.

l'm sorry, l'm running a little late.

lt'll only take a second, take quick look at it.

l'm sure it's nothing,
and you could just tell me if--

You can make an appointment
and just come to the office.

-l'll be happy to look at it there.
-l mean, it would just take a second.

Just say is it something or nothing,
or, you know.

-lt's like looking at your watch, really.
-What do you do for a living?

-l'm a writer.
-Next time you're in a big hurry...

why don't you write me
a bunch of shit for free?

All he had to do was take a look at it.
Would it have killed him?

-The doctor?
-Yeah, the doctor.

-What's the big deal?
-Come on, man.

He's in the locker room.

All he's gotta do is take one quick look,
take five seconds.

How you doing?

Man, I mean,
the guy's trying to relax like you.

You gotta give the guy space.

-Look at this.
-How are you doing today?

-Let me show you to your seats.

-This'll be his and this'll be yours.
-These two, right here?

Come on, enjoy the game.

-My God.
-Look at this, how great is this?

-Holy cow.
-Great, right? How great is this?

-ls this fucking unbelievable?
-This is unbelievable.

This is, you know, we have a great manager.
What can I tell you?

Ladies and gentlemen,
your Los Angeles Lakers.

You've got the best seat
in the house, you know that?

You do.
The bench is right over here, look at this.

You know, I can hear
everything Jackson's saying?

l'll tell you what he said.

Shaquille O'Neal.

Anthony Peeler, two shots.

What's he doing?
Why doesn't he put Shaq back in the game?

-lt's ridiculous.
-Who, Coach Jackson?

Yeah, l'll ask him, with his eight rings,
that Larry David's upset.

He's been out of the game for five minutes.

Maybe he's upset.
Maybe, you know, he's tired.

My God.

ldiot, what did you do?

-God, l'm so....
-What did you do?

-Are you okay? l'm so sorry.
-Here, give us some room here, stand back.

Take it easy. Where is it?

-My knee.
-Your knee?

-My knee.
-Okay, easy.

Look at this shit.

lt's not an assassination attempt,
for Christ's sake.

-Can you straighten it, Shaq?

-Can you put any weight on it?
-Larry, how did that happen?

l don't know, I stuck my legs out.
l'm so sorry.

Let's get him up,
l'll hold the leg, get him up. Get him up.

-l'm so sorry.
-Can you put any weight on it?


lt was an accident.

-Just sit down.
-lt was an accident!

This is a nightmare.

l think we should get going.
l'm very uncomfortable.

-l'm fucking out of here.
-Let's get out of here, come on.

Just go.

Go. Get out of here, go ahead, hurry up.

lt was an accident.

-Take a hike.
-lt was an accident.

Yeah, no, believe me, Julie, I saw it.
l saw him on the news.

l saw the whole thing, and he just walked in.

l can't talk right now.
l'll talk to you later. Okay.

-My God!
-What news? You saw me on the news?

-Yeah, of course I did.

They said you tripped Shaquille O'Neal,
now he'll be out for two months.

You mean I tripped him?
They said Larry David?

They have a close-up of you.
They have it in slow motion.

They have,
''Larry David took out Shaquille O'Neal.''

For two months he's gonna be out.

And the phone will not stop ringing.

Could you please take this
to the next room...

so that we can just watch our show?

Look, can we call you back tomorrow?

-lt's just so hectic.
-Two months?

He's gonna be out two months?

Yeah, two months. And not only that...

one of the reporters thinks that...

you had a motive,
because you're a Knicks fan.

Yeah, I did have a motive.
l wanted to kill him, I had a motive.

Can you take it outside, please?
How about a little consideration, okay?

-Oh, my God.

My parents are trying to watch their show.

Don't you say goodnight?


Yeah, you, it's all your fault!

Yeah, asshole!

What the fuck?

lt was an accident.

l was just stretching my legs out
and he tripped.

They took away my tickets.
The Lakers took away my tickets.

-They can't do that.

Sure they can, it's on the back of the ticket.

l'm responsible for whoever sits in my seat.

What were you stretching for?
What reason? You're in the first row.

-How could you need to stretch?
-l stuck my legs out.

Holy shit, you know
how hard I worked for those?

One game, the first game,
and you fuck the whole thing up!


Have a great day.

-l'm sorry.

-What can I do? Can I do anything?
-Buy the team.

That would be a help.

-Hey, Chuck.
-Larry, how are you doing?

-What happened at the game last night?

l mean, Shaq is coming off the bench...

you got your legs stretched out,
l mean, the guy just trips.

-lt was an accident.
-l know, you got to be careful.

You're sitting there,
you know, you see a player coming...

it's a big mountain of a guy.

-You got to be able to see him.
-l know, I know.

lt was a stupid thing, it was an accident.

Yeah, I know. But, I mean, without Shaq,
we can't win this, you know?

How much more clear can I be?
No comment.

All right, thank you.

You've got a boatload of messages...

and when the phone wasn't ringing,
faxes were coming in.

l want to try to get in touch
with Shaquille O'Neal, okay?

So find out where he is.
He might be in a hospital.

l don't know. But....

Forget it, don't even answer it.

l also heard that he's a big Seinfeld fan.
l want to get Seinfeld tapes, if you can.

All the Seinfeld shows, every one.

And I don't know....

Have you ever done
a page in a birthday book?

Yeah, all the magazine shows are calling.
They're gonna do a spread.

-l'm going home.
-No goodbye?


Oh, man.

Don't leave that in the middle.
l gotta put this in here.

Put it wherever you want to put it.
lt's fine with me.

-What's going on?
-We're leaving.

-You're what?
-We're leaving.

-lt's a little too busy around here for us.
-Too much commotion for us.

-Really, you're going?
-We'll leave you with your chaos.

Holy mackerel.

Mom, I wish you guys
wouldn't leave so soon. I mean....

-lt's time, honey.

Dad, don't you want to stay
a little bit longer?

All right, I mean, if you reconsider,
you can come back.

-Good luck with your telephone.
-That's sad, it's sad.

Don't you say goodbye?

-They were in a hurry.
-lt's a little rude, you know?

Wow! Boy.

-Too much turmoil for them, huh?

Larry! l'm so glad I caught you at home.

l'm so glad.

l don't know if you got started on that page
for Bob's birthday book.

You know why? 'Cause l'm not gonna do it.

l just decided it was too overwhelming...

and I thought, get him some cologne.

l've been giving this thing
some thought, you know?

-l'm sorry, I feel--
-l was gonna do a basketball with....

l was going to forge
some of the Lakers' signatures on it....

Really? Well--

Yeah, and then I was gonna write
a couple of...

my memories from the two times
we had dinner together....

l feel so bad. I can see that you're upset.

l had a beautiful rainbow with
''l love you, Bob,'' and....

Really, that's wonderful.

And l'm sure there's some kind of thing
you can develop with it at some point.

How did the other
acquaintances take it, okay?

-You know, they were fine.
-Yeah? Good.

They were just fine with it,
you know? Thanks.

-ls that Jill?
-Yeah, she...

canceled the page in the birthday book.

Nobody wants to have, apparently,
anything to do with me...

because of Shaquille O'Neal.

-That's kind of sad.
-Sad? What are you, crazy?

l'm gonna go to Starbucks
and get some coffee.

-Starbucks? Wait, l'll go with you.
-No, I just want to get out of the house.


Adora, if anybody wants me,
l'm going to Starbucks!

l'll take a mocha.

And l'll have a vanilla....

One of the vanilla bullshit things.

You know, do whatever you want.

Some vanilla bullshit, latte cappa-thing.
Whatever you got, I don't care.

You got it.

What? What's the problem?

-l don't really like this....

-This new Larry.
-What's the matter?

Just too enthusiastic,
and I miss the old Larry.

-Do you?
-Yeah. There's Jeremy.

Larry, l'm glad I caught up to you.
Housekeeper said you'd be down here.

l want to talk to you real quick.

-Let me take a guess.
-All right.

-All right, can I take a guess?
-Yeah, sure.

You don't want me to write
the letter of recommendation.

-Wow! Yeah.
-Holy, what a--

-That's a load off my mind, l'll tell you.
-lt's a shame, though.

'Cause I wrote some really laudatory things
about your work...

with the geometric shapes...

the triangles and the trapezoids
and all of that.

There's a little more to it than that--

l don't know,
but they're very compelling figures...

-the triangle and the square and....
-Thank you.

You take care of yourself.
Maybe some other time.

l'm available for any kind of favor
that you need.

Okay, thanks a lot, bye-bye, now.

Coffee on me! Ladies and gentlemen...

free coffee and donuts
and Danish and bagels.

Anything you want.
On me, I got it, everybody, come on.

Come on up, get some coffee.
That's right, go ahead, enjoy yourself.

Thataway, that's it, don't be shy.
Thank you very much, thank you.

Come on, people, everything on me.

This is very good, by the way, thank you.
lt's a cafe latte? What is that, milk?

-Milk and coffee?
-Milk and coffee, yeah.

Milk and coffee, who would've thought?

-Milk and coffee.
-We can go now if you want.

-My God, what a drink!
-l want to take off.

-lt's milk and coffee mixed together.
-Let's do that.

We've gotta go there,
sit down, have a donut, have a bagel.

-ls Shaquille O'Neal on this floor?
-Down the hall.

Thank you very much, thank you.

Paging Dr. Bender. Paging Dr. Bender.

Excuse me, are you a doctor?

-Yes, l'm a doctor.
-Could you do me a favor?

Would you mind taking a quick glance
at this thing on my back?

Tell me if it's anything
that I should be concerned about.

-Sure, turn around.
-Right over here.

-Do you see that over....
-This is a solar keratosis.

-What is that?
-lt's benign, it's from the sun.

-l wouldn't worry about it. lt's nothing.

-My God, thank you.

That was so nice of you to do that.

More doctors should be like you.

-Stay out of the sun.
-Okay, thanks, Doc.

Excuse me.

l've got these tapes l'd like to give
to Shaquille O'Neal. ls that possible?

Just leave them there.
We'll make sure he gets them.

-Really? Thank you very much.
-Hey, Larry.

-Hey, Albert.
-What are you doing here?

l just was gonna give these
Seinfeld tapes to Shaq.

That's really nice of you.

Nice of you to come down here to apologize.

-That's very.... He'll appreciate it.
-l was actually just coming to drop them off.

-l wouldn't dare even....
-l'm going in there now.

l'll take you in there with me, come on.


-What, you think he's gonna hurt you?
-Yeah, I do.

l'm sure he'd appreciate an apology.

-lt was an accident.
-l'll apologize.

What can you do? Things happen.

That's a great present.
He'll be on his back for two months.

-You think he'll like it?
-He loves it, it's his favorite show.

-So how things been going?

-Never been better.

-What do you got, big guy?
-Peanut butter.

Dairy product, peanut butter.
What you mean, no?

-Peanut butter is not a dairy product.
-lt's not dairy.

The whole world knows
peanut butter is a dairy product.

-What are you saying?
-Dairy is from a cow.

-Peanuts are not a dairy product.
-Peanut butter, moo.

Okay, peanuts come from
the ground or something.

-Albert, how you doing?
-Look who I found wandering the halls.

Larry David, Shaquille O'Neal.
He's got something he wants to say to you.

l'm so sorry...

about the incident, and I don't know
how that could've happened.

l was stretching.
l never sat there before. l'm sorry.

ls that supposed to help? ''Sorry''?

l don't know what to do
to make it up to you.

l brought you these Seinfeld tapes.
Albert told me you were a big fan.

-l am.
-l got you all the tapes of every episode.

You have every tape of every show?


Dairy products. Peanut butter...

would be considered a dairy product,
am I correct?

-Absolutely, butter.
-Thank you.

-A man that has some sense.

Okay, listen, l've got
''Pendant, Porsche, Popeye...

''Pago Pago, and Provolone.''

-Doc's killing us.
-l'm gonna go to the can, l'll be right back.

-Told you he was smart. What's the score?
-All right, now he has 26.

-And what do I have?
-You have 25.

-And what do you got?
-l have 25.

By the way, didn't the doctor...

mention five items for ''P''?


There's no ''Pago Pago''
and ''provolone'' on this list...

if you just want to check it out.

-Oh, my God.
-The doc is cheating at Scattergories?

He was obviously making it up
after the time ran out.

-Why would you cheat at Scattergories?
-A doctor.

-You want to play another game?

-How can you cheat at Scattergories?
-What are you talking about?

What do you mean? You gave us five names.
There's only three here.

Listen, Doc, you know what?
l'm sick and tired of you.

-You're fired, get out.
-l didn't cheat at anything.

Get this guy out of here, you're fired.

-l won, Shaq.
-Get out.

-Al, come on.
-l told you to get out.

-Get his ass out of here.
-The timer ran out.

-The timer didn't run out, you cheated.
-lt's the timer.

-No, it's not the timer, get out.
-l was gonna write it down.

-Get your ass out of here, get out.
-You heard him. Get out!

You gotta go.

Don't you say goodbye?

Notice how no one ever
says goodbye anymore?

-Have you noticed that? lt's unbelievable.

Why can't people leave a room
and be a little polite?

Okay, my favorite Seinfeld episode
was The Contest.

The Contest?
l got it, you want The Contest?

lf you pop in The Contest,
l'll let bygones be bygones...

and I forgot that you tripped me.

Peanut butter is a dairy product.


Kind of an odd thing. I had a chance
to go back and look at your file...

and I don't know how this happened,
but it seems Dr. Wiggins misread the MRl.

His initial diagnosis of the complete tear
of the quadriceps tendon...

it's a partial tear at best.

lf you sit down for maybe a week,
you'll be back to full strength.

-That's great!
-One week? I can't believe it!

I was alone.

Excuse me, l'm sorry.

-Could you give me a ride?
-The doctor.

-Yes, from upstairs.

-Yes, how's your back?
-Okay, Barry, come on, let's go.

-Stay out of the sun.

-He's not a doctor?
-Sixth floor, Psychiatric.