Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - The Doll - full transcript

As part of a deal with ABC, Larry agrees to attend a screening of a new mini series. While at the after-party, Larry finds that the bathroom doors have no locks, so he goes to use the upstairs bathroom, and the network exec's daughter asks him to cut the hair off her doll's head. He does so, but it incurs the wrath of Suzie, a theater-goer, and the network exec's wife.

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And now this actress is having problems
getting another series...

because everybody sees her as Evelyn.

l see.

They want her to bring Evelyn back.
She can't get away from it.

ln fact the series could be called
Aren't you Evelyn?

Or I'm Not Evelyn. Something like that.

-l love it.
-lt's funny, right?

l am just so excited about this.
This is wonderful, this is great.

l'm glad you like it.

l'm not surprised. I knew you would
come here with something brilliant.

-You did.
-lt's very funny.



l am just so excited.

What's with you and the water?

Doctor's orders.
l'm dehydrated or something...

and l've got to drink 8 of these a day.

Constantly running to the bathroom.

The other thing is that
Jason will be working with us as well.

-Jason?
-Alexander.

Alexander, you're kidding me?

-No, isn't that great?
-What's he doing?

lt's about a motivational speaker.

-When did that happen?
-Past few weeks.

We've had a few meetings and
we're very close to having it happen.

Where did you meet, if I may ask?

-Here.
-He came here?



Yes, Jason, here.

About 4 meetings now.
Such a wonderful actor.

Yeah, nothing like him.
He's the greatest guy.

They'll both be so different
from how they were on Seinfeld.

So, l'm just thrilled about this.
l just think that this is grand.

This is a green light, absolutely.

l am so excited about this.

-We're delighted.
-Thank you.

l'm so pleased.

So now that you're all
part of the ABC family...

we're having a screening
of Harriet Beecher Stowe tonight.

Oh, my God. My wife's good friend
was the art director on that.

-l heard it's great.
-How is Susie?

We split up. l'm living in a hotel.

-l'm sorry to hear that.
-Don't be! lt's great.

But it's a wonderful mini-series.

Part 1 is tonight, part 2 is tomorrow night.

lt's just beautifully shot.

Love you to come.

The only thing is that
my older kid has a pinkeye, so....

l mean, it's not contagious, but....

Sorry. You'll come, Larry?

-Yeah, sure.
-We'll go, sure.

Afterwards, we're going to have something
over at the house, Anne's preparing...

and you can come along, all right?

All right, good. We'll see you there.

What's the difference between
Harriet Beecher Stowe...

and Harriet Tubman?

l think we might be due
for some sex tonight.

-You think?
-l do, yeah.

Did you pencil that in and didn't tell me?

l think it's about to start.
You guys going in over here?

-Yeah.
-l saw Susie walk in over there.

So, l'm gonna go in over there. l'm not here.

-l haven't seen you.
-Have not seen me.

All right, bye. l'll talk to you later.

Yeah, he's hard to miss.

Larry, l'm so glad you were able to make it.

-l'm Lane Michaelson. How do you do?
-He's the ABC guy.

We are so happy to have
your husband on board.

Listen, we're gonna see you tonight
at the house, right?

-Yes, at the house.
-Anne wants to see you, so please.

-Really?
-Yes, okay, take care. Have a great time.

-Enjoy the show.
-Thank you.

l'm exhausted.

He must have a lot on his mind tonight.

-A lot of coffee, that man.
-He was in such a hurry.

Excuse me, there's no food
or drink in the theater. l'm sorry.

Really? I got a condition.
l really need to have this.

You're gonna have to
finish it out here. l'm sorry.

-Okay, why don't you go in and....
-Get a seat.

l'll meet you in there.

l mean, what if I have
a really bad kidney thing? l'm not--

-Maybe you should finish it outside.
-Yeah, maybe I should.

-Do you like these seats?
-Great seats.

l'm giving you the aisle,
considering all the water you've had.

-l'm looking out for you.
-This is great.

-What a nice little theater.
-Yeah, it's beautiful.

ls that the same woman who just told me
to get rid of the water?

Yeah, I think it is.

What's the deal? What is she doing?
Does she work here, or is she a guest?

-Yeah, I thought she was working.
-Me, too.

Excuse me.

-Excuse me.
-Yeah?

-Do you work here?
-No.

How come you told me
to get rid of the water then?

l saw you coming in with water.
There's no water, that's the rules.

l don't see how it was your concern.
You don't work here.

lt's the rules. The sign says,
''No food or drink in the theater.''

l'm sure we would all like to have water.

We're all dying of thirst.
What are you, the hallway monitor here?

-Who are you that the rules don't apply?
-l'm applying the golden rule. Are you?

l don't think the golden rule applies here.

lf you had water, would you want me
to tell you not to bring it in?

How about common courtesy?

But that doesn't supersede the golden rule.
That's the big one.

You're nuts.

-You're nuts.
-All right.

Jackass.

''Now, don't bring any pens or pencils in.''

Quiet, loser.

''Excuse me, Mrs. Cantor,
we've got homework.

''You forgot to give us homework.''

Some people are just rude.

...and she's sitting there.

Now, is she a guest?

Does she work there?

She's just some person that
wouldn't let me bring it in.

We had this huge fight.

There she is, right there, on the right.

She's talking to Anne Michaelson,
Lane Michaelson's wife.

-That's who she's talking to.
-That's Lane Michaelson's wife?

So tomorrow night, you guys want to go
to dinner before part two?

-No.
-l do want to go to part two.

You've gotta go to part two.
You're part of the ABC family.

We're definitely going to part two.

Yeah, we're not going
to dinner with you, though.

-We had already made plans.
-That's all right.

We don't have plans,
we don't wanna go to dinner with you.

-Frozen margaritas?
-Frozen margaritas, thank you.

l actually wanna go 'cause she showed
a lot of cleavage for that time.

Stop it.

They didn't wear it that low,
and she's really....

-lt was a little much, if you ask me.
-l guess it is.... Cleavage.

-Cold! Chest freeze!
-Okay, Larry.

Put your tongue to the top of your....

No, your tongue to the roof of your mouth.

Are you all right?

-Chest freeze.
-l see, yeah.

lt was too cold, sorry.

Would you like some hot tea or something?

-lt'll go away.
-So, Anne, you've met Larry?

No, I haven't met Larry,
but l've heard a lot about you.

-Hi, nice to meet you.
-And l'm Jeff Greene, we met....

-ls there a bathroom I can use?
-Yeah, right down there.

Yeah, just to the right.
Just go down to the end.

l have to thank your producer, director...

whoever, because they didn't reveal that
much bosom in that day....

-Hello.
-Hi.

-ls that a bathroom?
-Yeah, why? Do you have to go potty?

Yeah, I do have to go potty.

-You can go in there.
-Okay.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

What are you doing?

l'm just brushing my doll's hair.

Yeah? What's her name?

Judy.

''Judy! Judy! Judy!''

Boy, she's got pretty long hair.

Do you think maybe it's too long?

lt's kind of long.

Yeah, do you think
you could give it a haircut?

You want me to give it a haircut?

-Can you?
-l guess.

-Okay.
-All right.

-See this thing?
-Yeah.

lt's called a Swiss Army Knife.

You heard of Switzerland?

lt's a country in Europe,
and they don't like to fight.

They let everybody
do their fighting for them...

while they ski and eat chocolate.

About right there.

You wanna give it
a little, kind of, Dorothy Hamill thing?

Yeah.

Boy, she's got really thick hair.

At least it'll be shorter.

All right.

-Yeah.
-She looks much prettier.

l think so, too. Look at that.
l really think I did a great job.

-Yeah, you did a great job.
-Yeah, now l'd take her out.

Yeah, now this is definitely easier to brush,
and it looks great.

Can I tell you something?
lt's a very French look. lt's very French.

-She looks prettier.
-Good luck, Judy!

Thank you.

-There's no lock on that bathroom door.
-l know.

-That's crazy.
-l know. lt's insane.

That's your top priority in a house.

-ln the bathroom.
-Yeah, of course.

-Will you guard the door while I go?
-Sure.

2 minutes.

-Mommy, mommy!
-Tara, what is it, honey?

-Look at my doll's hair.
-Why did you cut her hair?

l didn't cut it! He did!

-He cut it.
-ls this true?

Yeah, she asked me.
She asked me to give it a haircut.

You walked into my daughter's room
and cut her Judy's hair?

-lt's not fair.
-She asked me to give it a haircut.

And did you happen to tell her
that maybe it wouldn't grow back?

-He didn't tell her.
-l thought it was understood.

How could you not understand...

that a little girl has a vivid imagination?
She's extremely gifted.

Sorry.

And this little girl doesn't know
that her dolly's hair won't grow back.

-Do you know who this is? This is Judy.
-l thought--

She is a collector's item.
We can't find another one like this.

-l got this doll before she was born.
-l can replace it, l'm sure I can.

You can replace it?
This is like Liberty, the Beanie Baby.

Out Of Production, OOP, okay?
Not coming back.

-lt's never gonna grow back.
-What is that?

l guess I missed a strand there.
l got a Swiss Army--

lt's ugly, mommy!

Let me get it. I got a Swiss Army Knife.
l could get that.

-lt's ugly, the haircut's ugly!
-Let's go, Tara.

She said it looked good earlier. She liked it.

-Not a surprise.
-l thought it was understood that....

Go ahead.

Jesus Christ.

Who doesn't know
that when you cut a doll's hair...

-it doesn't grow back?
-She should know better.

l thought the doll looked better,
to tell you the truth.

-l don't know what it looked like.
-Ugly. lt was way down to her waist.

-What's the doll's name? Judy?
-Yeah.

l might be able to help you with this, okay?

My daughter has a huge doll collection.
Her room is filled with dolls.

l think she might have that Judy doll.

-You think she's got a Judy doll?
-Sounds familiar. l'm not positive.

We can go in tomorrow,
zip in, zip out, boom.

-Would she miss the doll if--
-No, my daughter's not gonna care.

She won't notice.
Hasn't played with it in a long time.

We'll go by the house tomorrow,
we'll check it out.

Yeah, I mean, otherwise,
you know, this is ugly here.

-l know.
-All of a sudden I got this deal--

The whole ABC deal
could go down the drain. lt really could.

Honestly, I have never been
so humiliated in my life, really.

l fucked up.

-Are you trying to be funny now?
-No.

-Because l'm really not in the mood.
-l fucked up.

Yeah.

Michaelson really knows me.
He knows a lot about me.

What did he see exactly?

Everything, exactly.

Like, imagine the worst moment
a person can walk in on somebody.

l got it.

You think you're alone,
and you're in the bathroom.

-That's what it was.
-l got it.

l cannot risk running into him
at social functions...

at your little ABC parties and screenings.

l think you're gonna have to
just go somewhere else.

Are you out of your mind?

-You wanna end the deal because of this?
-Yeah, I do.

We can't go to NBC anymore...

because of your environmental problems
with General Electric.

HBO, you know what happened with them.
lt's all running out.

That's your fault.

l got news for you.
You might not have to worry...

because it might all be moot.

Why?

Because if I don't replace the doll, it's over.

Divorce?

-ls it a divorce?
-Yeah, it's a divorce.

So start packing up
'cause you're moving out.

l wish you wouldn't talk anymore tonight.

l wish you wouldn't say
one more thing to me.

-Sure you wanna do this?
-l'm positive, come on.

You don't think Sammy's gonna mind?
She's not gonna notice?

She's got a million dolls.
She's won't notice anything.

Here we are in Doll World.

So, there's dolls here, look at all these.

You have no idea
how much money l've spent on dolls.

-Holy cow, look at this.
-This isn't Judy, is it?

This?

-No, I think Judy's hair was lighter.
-Okay, all right, l'll look.

She looks Swiss.

She looks like Judy.
She looks Swiss? All right.

What's up here? Any stuff up here?
There's dolls up here?

There you go.

-No.
-Yes, it is, of course it is.

No, it's not her.

-That's Judy.
-No, it's not Judy!

-l've seen Judy, that's Judy.
-No, Judy has brown eyes.

-She has blue eyes.
-You don't know the eyes.

-l do know the eyes 'cause--
-l see my daughter call her Judy.

''Suite: Judy Brown Eyes,''
l said it in my head.

You said, ''Suite: Judy Brown Eyes''?

l know the song is Suite.: Judy Blue Eyes...

and she has brown eyes. lt's brown eyes.

-That's not Judy!
-Suite: Judy Brown Eyes.

Holy shit.

Where the....

Some of these dolls are scary.

A bunch of bald ones up here.

-Judy.
-What?

-Judy! lt's her.
-Yeah.

-My God! What are you....
-l needed this.

-Susie's here.
-Shit. Come on.

-Jeffrey?
-What do I do?

-Stick it in your jacket.
-Jeffrey?

-lt's too big. Where do I put it?
-Do something, she's coming up.

-Give this to me.
-Jeffrey, I saw your car.

What the fuck are you doing here?
You're supposed to call first!

-Jeffrey?
-So what you wanna be doing is....

You need a drill.

What is going on here?
What are you doing here?

-The amount of sleep that l've lost--
-What are you doing here?

Listen, and l'll tell you.
Sammy's shelf has been on my mind.

l've always thought this shelf was loose.

And I came here,
and I pushed it and tested it.

-All the dolls fell, right there.
-Why don't I believe you?

l don't know.

What are you doing here
in Sammy's room, of all places?

And you brought Larry
to help you with the shelf?

l know a lot about shelving.
l put up all the shelves in my house and--

You put the shelves up....
l find that hard to believe.

-He knows a lot about shelving.
-l put them all up--

Mr. California Closets over here
all of a sudden?

Look, get the hell.... Leave.
And by the way...

do you think I didn't see you
at the screening last night?

-You think I didn't notice you?
-Okay.

Fat fuck, trying to hide,
like you're Mr. lnconspicuous.

-Get out!
-Are you going back tonight for part two?

l might be.

What do you think?
Do you think it's gonna work?

l hope it works. lt was painful.

You don't think Michaelson's wife....
Do you think she's gonna have....

She's not gonna have
any problem with this?

-With the head, just the head?
-That's fine.

She's got the body. You're fine.

-We'll just attach it.
-Attach the head.

Yeah, good, that's fine.
Boy, that's starting to itch me down there.

What's wrong, Sammy, darling?

Mommy, somebody cut off Judy's head!

Yeah?

Judy, I got Judy.

Where's her body?

lt didn't come with a body.

-ls this an authentic Judy?
-Believe me, that is Judy.

All right. Why don't you come in?

l'll take it upstairs and make sure it fits.

Don't worry, it's gonna fit.

We'll just see about that.

-May I use your bathroom?
-Yeah.

Right here, in the hall.

-How are you doing?
-Good.

-Putting a new lock in?
-A new lock.

Beautiful, excellent.

-Go ahead.
-Okay.

-Don't leave your post, okay?
-Sure.

That's great.

-l think she's fixed.
-Terrific.

-So, thank you. I appreciate it.
-You're very welcome, and again...

l'm just sorry about
the whole thing and cutting it and....

You think this is gonna be okay?

Do you think
she's gonna notice the difference?

No, she'll never know the difference really.

lf she does, you should enroll her
at some kind of school for gifted children.

She's already at Merman.
She is gifted, she's highly gifted.

We might not be able to pull it off.

Yeah, it's a shame she didn't know
that the hair wasn't gonna grow back, yeah.

l mean, 'cause she's a bright girl.

-She has a vivid imagination.
-No, l'm sure she does.

Anyway, so again, l'm sorry.
You'll be at part 2?

-Yeah, l'll be there.
-Yeah, okay, great.

-All right, all's well that ends well.
-Bye-bye.

You know, I actually think
she looked pretty good with the short hair.

-No.
-Shit.

God.

Where's the head?

l know you took the doll's head. Where is it?

Where's the fucking head?

l don't know.

The kid is home hysterical...

because her doll, Judy,
has been decapitated...

'cause you 2 sickos...

took the head for God knows what reason...

some voodoo shit you're doing. Where is it?

Stop scratching your balls
and tell me where it is!

Just get me the fucking head, all right?

Both of you, 'cause l've had it,
you four-eyed fuck and you fat piece of shit!

Get me the head!

-l didn't need that. Man, she's nuts.
-What the hell are we gonna do now?

l could drive back to the Michaelsons.

l don't think
she's gonna give us the head back.

No, I guess not.

-What are you doing?
-My penis itches me.

Maybe she's got the short-haired version.

-We can get the short-haired Judy back.
-Yeah.

-She may have thrown her out.
-No, we were just there.

What about giving the short-haired head
back to Susie and your daughter?

They won't know the difference.

Your daughter's won't know
that the hair was cut?

My daughter andlor Susie
are not gonna know the difference.

-You think so?
-l know we can get away with that.

-My penis is itching.
-You know what?

You put that doll head down there...

and who knows
what the hair is made out of?

You've got an allergic reaction,
l'm telling you.

Yeah, I think I got some kind of rash.

l gotta check out my penis.

l have to go to the doctor now?
That's gonna be a lot of fun.

''Where did you get the rash?''

''l stuck a doll's head
down my pants, Doctor.

''lt feels good to me.''

Hi, l'm sorry to bother you.

l was wondering....
This is gonna sound a little crazy.

Do you have the short-haired head...

the one that I cut?

Right, you want the short-haired Judy head?

Yeah.

Why would you want
that short-haired Judy head?

l just like it, you know.

Okay, you know what? I don't know.
l'll go and see if it's there.

Thank you, l'd appreciate it.

-Fine.
-Thank you.

-Just wait right here.
-May I use your bathroom?

-Yeah, it's right--
-l know, it's right over here.

-The lock's not working.
-l know. I had to go get some parts.

Great.

-Look at this.
-lt's your lucky day.

Okay, great, thank you so much.

The short-hair,
it's very becoming I think, you know?

Yeah, fine. Good.

Okay.

-See you tonight, part 2.
-Right.

You are not gonna believe what I just saw.

lt's your daughter, too, you know.

All right.

Something's not right here.

That's the head.

-This is the head?
-That's Judy.

This is not the head.
There's something wrong.

-Sure, it's the head, that's the head.
-Are you sure?

Yeah.

-Something seems off.
-l don't know. All right, we brought it back.

l'll see you later.

-See you at part 2? You going tonight?
-Yeah, maybe.

ls your assistant going out with anybody?

You're not going out
with my assistant, okay?

-l just asked you a question.
-No, it's too weird.

How do you know I wanna go out with her?

l know what you're talking about.
l'm not an idiot.

-Quiet, Susie can hear you.
-Hi, how are you?

-God, the Michaelsons.
-My God.

-The little girl. She got the doll.
-Beautiful.

-Look at that.
-Everything's good.

There are the Davids.

Honestly, I can't even look at that guy now.

lt makes me sick to my stomach.

You know what? l'll be right back.
l'm going to the bathroom.

-Cheryl.
-What?

-Come here for a second.
-What?

Do me a favor.
See if anybody is in the ladies' room?

Why?

lt's an olfactory nightmare
in that men's room.

ls anybody in here?

-Coast is clear.
-Great, 2 minutes.

2 minutes, okay.

-Hello.
-Hi.

-Thank you for fixing Judy's hair.
-You're welcome.

Mommy, that bum is in the bathroom
and there's something hard in his pants!