Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Acupuncturist - full transcript

Larry promises to pay an acupuncturist $5,000 if he can cure his neck. Meanwhile, a struggling writer asks Larry for a $5,000 loan which he promises to pay back after his father dies.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
-How are we doing?
-All right.

Feeling all right?
No uncomfortable sensations?

-No, how much longer?
-Maybe 10 to 15 more minutes.

-Very good.

Yeah. I think you'll be very happy
with the treatment.


You actually think
you're gonna fix my neck?

Of course, I absolutely guarantee it
if you follow my prescribed course.

-Four to six weeks, maybe twice a week.

Forgive me for sounding a little cynical,
but l've heard that before.

You have?

l've been to a lot of different people.
They all kind of tell me the same thing.

-l never get any results.

l've been to doctors and chiropractors
and healers...

people who call themselves healers.

Yeah, healers. What a joke that is.

Well, I understand your concerns.

But acupuncture has been
around for a long time...

and it's been in my family
for several hundred years.


l absolutely guarantee total recovery.

-You do?

Okay, l'll tell you what.
l got a little proposition for you.

lf you can fix my neck, l'll give you $5,000.

And if you can't,
then I don't pay for any of the treatments.


-lf I treat you and you recover?

-And if you do not recover, I get nothing?
-You get nothing.

Well, it would be like taking candy
from a baby, but....


l love you. I love your confidence.

Wait a minute now, if I cure you,
how would I know if you are cured or not?

What are you saying?
You're saying that I wouldn't tell you?

So I wouldn't have to pay the money?
That's ridiculous.

-Come on, l'm a man of honor.
-lt's a family tradition, honor.

lt's not in my family,
but l'm trying to break the mold.

All right, done.

l hope you win.


-Thank you.

How you doing?

-lt's Barry.

What the....

You don't have to look at me that way,
no need for pity.

No, I mean, l'm just shocked
to see you here working.

-How long you been doing this?
-lt's been a while.

What do you want?

Quarter-pound of swiss
and a half-pound of turkey.

All right.

Do you ever hear from any of those guys
at Saturday Night Live?

You know, sometimes
you run into somebody, you know?

-l talk to Elliot and Andy occasionally.
-Yeah, how's Elliot doing?


The writing wasn't happening?

You know,
l just couldn't write for TV anymore.

But things are going good, except for
this thing with my dad, a situation.

-You remember my dad?

He came to your house, yeah, I remember.

Yeah, he's doing this, like...

-this weird number on me--
-Try and put that on the swiss if you can.

-l covered my mouth.
-Yeah, sure.

Yeah, so, my dad is just doing this,
he's basically dying is what's happening.

And he had a triple bypass,
a quadruple bypass.

Boy, he's got seven total bases there, yeah.

And he's left me the money in his will.

But he won't let me have any of it,
you know?

Not a penny, until, like, he's actually dead.

Your father's got a lot of money,
doesn't he?

Yeah, you know, and so, it's....

-He knows you're working in a deli?
-Yeah, of course he does, yeah.

And won't give you the money until he dies?
Why do people do that?

l don't know why you have to wait
until he dies. That's crazy.

You'd think that he would want his kid
to be happy...

as his last memories of him, you know?

Are you guys out of peanut butter here?
Because I can't find it.

Hey, let me ask you something.

lt's amazing that you came in here today.
lt could really help me out.

l need to borrow $5,000.

Of course you do.

-So I can--
-Yeah, of course.

l'll be able to pay you back
as soon as he, you know, as he goes.

Yeah, when do you expect that'll be?

Very soon.

Okay, tell me if I got this right.

-You gave $5,000 to the acupuncturist?

And $5,000 to that asshole, Barry Weiner?


So, in the last three hours,
you've given away $10,000.

Yeah, that's not quite accurate.

l haven't paid the acupuncturist yet.
He has to cure my neck.

And l'll be happy to give it to him if he does.

And Weiner's father has a heart condition...

and he's not supposed to live that long,
and then he'll give me the money back.

l don't know why you call him an asshole.
ls he?

-He's not an asshole, he's just shy.
-No, he's not shy.

He thinks he's smarter
than everybody else...

-and he sits there and he judges--
-No, he doesn't, he's just shy.

lt's just that you got shy-asshole confusion,
my friend.

-No, I don't think so, my friend.
-Yes, I think so.

People come to you with their hands out,
you can't say no?

l have trouble saying no.

You know why?

'Cause you're a pussy. l'm just being frank.

Maybe l'm nice.
You have nice-pussy confusion.

Maybe l'm just nice.

And he invited us
to his wife's surprise birthday party...

and I couldn't say no to that either.

Hey there, flowers for Larry David.

Cheryl, somebody sent me flowers.

Are those from your mistress
and you haven't told me?

-Yeah, I wish.

Did you give him a $5,000 tip?

This is really bizarre.


-Who would send you flowers?
-l don't know.

They're pretty.

''Enjoy these beautiful orchids. Kazu.''

-Who's Kazu?
-The acupuncturist.

Why is the acupuncturist
giving you flowers?

l don't know.

So, you know,
working in the deli, it was just....

lt was depressing to see him like that.

Did you even know,
did you know he was working there?

l didn't know he was working in the deli.

He keeps in contact with me.
He doesn't let me know that stuff.

''There, but for the grace of God, go you.''

-Go me, not you?
-No, not me.

Yeah, go me.

He invited me to a surprise party
next Thursday night for his wife.

-You're going?
-Yeah, l'll pick you up, we'll go together.

So, what do you think
of this whole orchid thing?

l think it's some sort of Japanese gay thing.


lt's a little strange.

l don't know if l'll even go back to him
'cause of this.

Would you? I don't know?
Would you go back?

l mean, that's a weird thing.
l wouldn't go back.

Let me ask you a question.

ls it common in Japan
for a man to send another man orchids?

A professional man?

Doctor, or a....

l knew you'd open up a can of worms
just by starting to ask him.

-He's been weird all lunch.
-What the hell?

-l don't know what that was.
-What was that?

-That guy's a freak.
-l think I struck a chord.

-Good to see you.
-Good to see you.

-lt's been a few days.
-This is my manager, Jeff Greene.

-Jeff, nice to meet you.
-Heard a lot about you.

The estate lawyer,
he's gonna handle my estate when I die...

and I leave you all my money.

Have you worked it out that way?
Cheryl will love me.

-You're not working today?
-Yeah, l'm going back right now.

-What's with the outfit?
-lt's Casual Friday.

-l don't like this Casual Friday.
-What are you, my mother?

You know, you're encroaching
in my territory.

l want you people to be uncomfortable
all the time.

lf you don't like this,
you should come by on Naked Tuesdays.

Yeah, Naked Tuesdays.
See? He's a funny lawyer.

-All right, I gotta go. Okay, nice to meet you.
-All right, l'll see you.

l'll see you Tuesday.

Casual Friday. Pisses me off.

l'm telling you,
soon it's going to be Casual Monday.

Five to 10 years.

That's the direction we're heading.
lt's gonna be a sad state of affairs.

People like you
walking around like people like me.

-lt's no good.
-l'll never do it.

Yeah, wait'll you taste this flambé,
l'm telling you...

-it is sensational.
-Larry, that's why we came.

Here we go. Beautiful.

So, I got a meeting set up for you at ABC.

-Just got to confirm a date with Julia.

-Oh, my God.


-Where's Jeff?
-l don't know.

-He should've been here 15 minutes ago.
-l know.

Why are we even riding with him anyway?

l don't know,
he asked me if he could pick us up.

And you couldn't say no.

Listen, I think we should just go
without him.

He'll, l'm sure--

-There he is.
-There he is. Okay, let's get going.

-Hi. Thank you.
-Look how pretty you look.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

-You look pretty, too.
-l'm a pretty little girl.


What are you doing?
What took you so long?

Room service was late with my food.
What do you want?


-You're not wearing that.
-What, why?

You're not wearing jeans to this party.

-They're not jeans, they're corduroy pants.
-That's the same thing.

And a blue sweatshirt
and a black jacket, no.

-Blue and black, that's no good?
-That's no good. You need to change.

Since when is blue and black no good?

Trust me on this one, please.
You're gonna have to change. And quickly.

-You look terrible.
-lt's awful.

Maybe I have a lime-green T-shirt like yours
to put on, asshole.

What's wrong with a lime-green T-shirt?

-No, it looks good.
-Thank you.

No, I completely....

-Oh, my God.

-Hi, Carol.

My God, I don't know who to hug.

-Hi, so good to see you.
-l hope....

Yeah, I left my sun....
l was in the deli the other day.

l left my sunglasses there
and I came by to pick them up.

Oh, my gosh. This is so bizarre.

-So, you got them, right?

Why don't you go?
You know, you two go in, we'll wait here.

What is that?

lt's my birthday.

-That's why we got you a birthday gift.
-He told us it was your birthday.

'Cause he told me it was your birthday.

So, I knew I would stop by
for the sunglasses and l....

lt's from the three of us.

-There's a surprise party in that house.

You're having a surprise party?
What, you didn't invite us?

-l'm so sorry, Carol.
-He had to change his outfit.

You are so selfish.


Yeah, great, thanks.


You knew? What happened?

Larry had to change his outfit...

and it was just
a tremendous amount of time.

He had to eat, you know...

have a big dinner for two hours.

Oh, my God, you guys....

Sit down, have a big fucking meal
in the hotel.

Do you believe them?
Do you believe what they did to me?

l mean, 600,000 people.

600,000 people died in the Civil War.

And for what, to save the Union?

Why did we want to save the Union?
Who cares?

l don't know, I don't care.

What is important about saving the Union?
Do you need the South?

-What do you do?
-l do a lot of work for the NRDC.

NRDC? What the hell is that?

The Natural Resources Defense Council.

-You're an environmentalist?
-l am. I guess you could say that.

-That's wonderful.
-Thank you.

l mean, I wish my worthless son
could get into something like that...

-but no, there's no chance of that.

Do you believe my wife
made me change clothes...

before I came here?
She didn't like my outfit.

-You look good, though.
-l didn't get outfit approval tonight.

-Do you get that? Outfit approval?

They got to approve your outfit.
l listened to her.

-l actually went up to change.

That's one of the reasons
that, you know, we were late.

'Cause I listened to her.

lf not for the environment,
then we're fighting to get money...

-so we can fight for the environment.
-Money? You always need money.

-lt's a non-profit organization, so....
-You never called me.

-No, I didn't. I didn't know you--
-You know, l'm not poor.

-You aren't?

-Mr. Weiner, maybe we should talk.
-Call me C.D.

What does C.D. stand for?

Let's see.
lt might stand for ''certified deposit''.

-For the NRDC.
-l like the sound of that.


You want to have lunch?

And we'll talk about how we can arrange
maybe my contributing something?

Oh, my gosh, that would be wonderful.

But we're not just gonna talk about money.

-Of course not.
-We'll talk about each other.

-l'd like to get to know you.

l'd like to get to know you, too.

Oh, my God, you're gonna give me
another heart attack.

Stop it, Mr. Weiner.

-Oh, my God!
-Oh, my goodness.

You're so charming and beautiful.

l don't know how that schlep
ever married you.

-Me neither.

You know what I mean.

l think I do know what you mean.

l mean it very sincerely.

-You remember Barry's father?
-l sure do. How you doing?

-How are you?

Good to see you.

Please excuse me to the ladies' room.
Larry, why don't you have a seat here?

-And chat with Mr. Weiner.
-You will be back, though?

-l will be back.
-'Cause he can't fill in for you.

No, he can't. But he'll do his best.
l'll be right back.

-You'll come right back.

Oh, my God.

What a treat. Oh, God.

ls it a custom in Japan...

for a man to send...

orchids to another man?

Like a professional,
someone who's a professional...

a doctor or a dentist or an acupuncturist?

Now, how the hell
would I know what that means?

l don't know what they do in Japan.

They might take it up the ass
for all I know in Japan.

What are you asking me for?
lt's a stupid question.

-So, what are you doing these days?
-l'm working on a....

Actually, a new show
for Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

-From Seinfeld?

You got to be kidding me.

-How do you know her?
-l worked on the show.

What show? Seinfeld?

-Yeah, Seinfeld.
-What did you do?

-l was the co-creator.
-You must have made a bundle.

l did okay.

-You're a lucky bastard.
-l am, l'm very lucky.

And l'll tell you something.

l'm lucky that I had a father
who was so supportive of me...

because without him
it never would have happened.

l was working in a dry cleaner.
l didn't tell him.

l had no money,
but I needed to support myself.

And then one day, he found out about it....

Next thing I knew, he said to me,
''Listen, I got a lot of money.

''l'm gonna give you this money anyway,
after I die.

''Let me give you some now.''

-Your father left you money before he died?
-Yes, he did.

He gave me a quarter
of what I was gonna get in the will...

and that enabled me to go out
and start writing.

l never would have gotten Seinfeld
if not for him.

l was able to put food in the refrigerator,
when he came over...

he had great things to eat.

l bought a Barcalounger,
a big-screen TV with the money.

When he'd come over to my house,
he could sit and relax.

Why should he wait until he's dead
to give me the money? lt's ridiculous.

Listen, put a sock in it.

l got to move fast.
Do you know of an estate lawyer?

My lawyer's in Acapulco.
l need an estate lawyer right away.

Yeah, I know a great estate lawyer.
Joel Reynolds.

l ran into him the other day.

-Reynolds. Where is he?
-He's in Santa Monica.

Reynolds and McKay, he's great.

-He's good with estates?
-He's terrific.

Probate and that kind of stuff?
l gotta make a change right away...

and I can't wait for my lawyer.

Thank you for the lawyer.
And I love your wife.

What kind of change?
What are you talking about?

You'll find out.

l don't know, Cheryl.
Maybe he'll make a contribution.

The worst that can happen is
you'll fly to Mexico with him...

and come back with a big check.

Where are you meeting for lunch?
That's the Japanese restaurant.

l was there with Jeff last week.

Barry Weiner's here.

All right, listen,
get as much money as you can from him.

Be charming. Okay, goodbye.

What did you do? What the hell did you do?

Did you tell my father some story
about a dry cleaner?

l told him that I worked in a dry cleaner,
and my father found out about it...

and instead of giving me the money
after he died...

he gave it to me before he died.

Your little conspiracy with Cheryl worked.

He cut me out of the will, Larry.

He thinks that I put you up to it,
and now he's cut me out of the will...

and given all his money to NDRC.

-NRDC, whatever the hell it is.

Just like you and Cheryl planned,
your little conspiracy.

But why?
When he left last night after the story...

he said he was going to get a lawyer.

-He wanted the name of a lawyer.
-The lawyer that you gave him.

He's down there right now, Larry.

He is down there flushing my fucking life
down the toilet.

That's what he's doing now,
thanks to your help.

-Hello, Reynolds and McKay.
-Okay, all right.


Hello, sir, Joel Reynolds.

-You're Joel Reynolds?
-Yes, I am.

-Would you like to have a seat, sir?
-Yeah, in a minute.

l'm a little puzzled.

What's this outfit?
ls it a Halloween party, or what?

-l know, it's Casual Friday.
-Casual Friday? What does that mean?

That means we just dress
like we would at home.

-But you're not at home.
-No, but it is Casual Friday, so....

l know, you told me that already.
What do you do on Casual Friday?

We just come in, do our work.
But we dress casually.

-l don't like it.
-lt's just one day of the week.

l don't give a damn if it's half a day a week.
l don't like it.

l'm here to change my will.
A lot of money is involved.

-lt's very important to me.
-We wouldn't treat you casually.

Then why the hell you dress that way?

l want you to be on cutting edge
whenever you're handling my business.

-This is cutting edge.
-l don't need this crap.

You look like a fucking cowboy.
You're J.R., Joel Reynolds, right?

-Look, we--
-You belong in Dallas, not LA.

l'm sorry, please.

Yeah, you should be sorry
because you just lost my account.

You go wrangle somebody else's.

Thank you very much. Son of a bitch.

lf you come back
on a Monday or a Tuesday....

You gotta talk to him
and tell him I didn't put you up to that.

You have to convince him.
l'm totally screwed.

Wait, hold on.

This is Kathleen calling
from Dr. Muriyama's office.

I'm calling to confirm
your acupuncture appointment.

No, I can't do it.

Okay, the doctor just wants to know
how you're feeling.

-l'm better.
-That's good.

Would you like to schedule
another session?

-No. Not now.
-Okay, thank you, Mr. David.


You got to get down there.
You got to do something.

He's supposed to have lunch with my wife
at this Japanese restaurant later.

You're the only one that can fix it,
you know?

-You have to talk to him.

l was just trying to be helpful.

Mr. Weiner, I don't think
l should have anymore sake.

-No, you should.
-Maybe after.

Because it's a wonderful preface
to a great Japanese meal.

-Come on.

-l think we should go ahead and order then.
-We will order, certainly.

But I have some news for you.
First, a little slice.


-What are you doing here?
-l just came to apologize for last night...

and just to let you know that
your son did not put me up...

to say any of that stuff
that I said to you about....

-He didn't?
-No, he didn't.

And he shouldn't be punished
as a result of what I did on....

Why, you shit....

-Nice to see you.
-Nice to see you. Hello.

Hi, Carol. l'm so sorry.

Everybody, this is Larry David.

We used to write together
on Saturday Night Live.

A long time ago.

-Here's his wife, Cheryl.

And this is Jeff Greene.
Jeff used to be my manager.

So sudden, unexpected.

Larry, you remember my cousin, Doug,
from the party, Thursday?

-Sure. Hi, Doug.

Larry was the last person to see him alive.

-Technically, it was the waiter.
-So, you're the one?

-So, what do you do?
-l'm a button man.

-Button man?
-Yes, I sell buttons to the cut-up trade.

-Garment manufacturers.
-l got a bellybutton story for you.

My best friend had a baby 15 years ago,
and I was the godfather.

l was in the delivery room,
he asked me to cut the umbilical cord...

and I don't know,
l kind of botched it somehow...

and mangled the whole bellybutton...

and now the kid
won't even talk to me, it's....

That's a sad story. Excuse me.


-Thank you.
-Back up, man, you're right in my face.


There it is. I told you. Don't cash it for week.

This is a little awkward.

l told you you'd get it as soon as he died,
and you made it happen.

-l didn't make anything happen.
-You kind of did.

That's just great, Larry,
you got your money back.

-The check.

What check? What are you talking about?

Larry lent Barry $5,000.

The condition was,
when his dad passed away...

-he would get the money back.
-Excuse me, there was no condition.

l get it. You took $5,000.
You're a bounty hunter.

-You murdered my uncle for $5,000.
-Come on, please.

-You knew he had a heart condition.
-l didn't--

Why did you have to throw the water at him?

-l didn't throw the water at him, the waiter--
-You're lying.

The waiter threw the water at him. I didn't....

We should get.... Jeff! Let's go.

You're not going anywhere.
You killed my uncle, you murderer!

-Stop it!
-My neck.

Let go of him!


-Who was that?
-l got lucky. My wife.

-Your wife?

How do you like that? Good for you.

Thank you very much. How are you?

Somebody got me in a headlock.
l am much worse.

-l think we can do something about that.
-You're a very confident man.

-You really are.

Say, would you like to make another deal
on that one?

What do you mean, another one?

You already owe me $5,000
for the other one.

Would you like a chance
to get it back, maybe?

How do I owe you $5,000?

l don't owe you $5,000.
What are you talking about?

My receptionist called you
and talked to you on the phone.

You told her, and she told me,
that you said that you were better.

l said....

Yeah, she asked me how I was feeling.
l said, ''Better.''

Better than before, not 100%% better...

not all better, but better.

Better? After I treated you,
you were better, right?

ln English, ''better'' doesn't mean better,
completely better. I don't need a....

There's a confusion here,
a language confusion.

Better is not all better, it's better.

Larry-San, wait a minute, you said better.

Better is better, you said you were better.

Listen, Larry-San...

this will cause me some great shame
with my family.

Everyone knows about this agreement.
My employees, my business.

We made an agreement as men of honor.

You owe me $5,000. I made you feel better!

So, how do you intend to pay?

l have a check...

made out to me for $5,000.

l can endorse it over to you.

-Don't cash it for a week.
-For a week?

Of course, l'll need a picture lD.

So, I got the orchids.

They were so nice.
Thank you for sending them.

Something you do for all your patients?
Send them orchids?

Ancient Japanese custom.