Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Thong - full transcript

Larry no longer feels comfortable going to his psychiatrist after he sees him wearing a thong at the beach.

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So, l'm really happy with my new sneakers.

You know, 'cause they're gray.

And if you think about it, it's a good color
'cause white is really too bright...

and black is almost like a pair of shoes.

And gray is kind of right in the middle.
They look good.

We should get back to Cheryl.

You know, we just don't
do enough things together.

She plays tennis, she won't play golf.
I can't play tennis because of my neck.

I can't serve,
l'll have to make dainty little serves...

and she'll beat me every time.

- What else does Cheryl like to do?
- She likes the outdoors.



I don't really like the outdoors, you know.

It's not a good place
for bald people out there.

- What about the beach?
- I don't like the beach in particular.

The beach is lovely this time of year.

I go up to Santa Barbara,
we go to the beach.

Very nice, it's not crowded.

I mean, if I went to the beach with her
she would be...

She wouldn't know what to think, yeah.

- She'd be happy.
- Yeah, she'd be very happy.

- Go to the beach with her.
- Hate it.

All those disgusting bodies walking around,
l have to look at them.

Our time is up.

Maybe l'll take her to the beach.

- Maybe I will.
- Good idea.



Okay, see you next week, be well.

- How you doing?
- Good, how are you?

Nice to see you. You cured?

- 100%% .
- You had the big breakthrough?

- I think l'm ready to terminate.
- Okay, yeah. Great.

It's such nonsense, isn't it?
What are you gonna do?

You can't bother your friends with this stuff.

- This goes on forever.
- I know.

- Rob, have a seat, l'll be right in.
- Okay, all right.

Yeah, listen, I just want to say,
l'm doing this charity thing.

I'm the chairman of this...
You know what Groat's syndrome is?

Groat, have you ever
heard of Groat's syndrome?

It's a syndrome. I mean,
and it affects kids and adults...

who have a tough time
controlling their hyperactivity.

It's just like, if you
were on five cups of coffee...

at all times.

And so, we're doing a big celebrity auction.

And it would be great
if you would agree to...

allow yourself to be auctioned off
and have lunch with somebody.

I mean, a lot of people are doing it.
Tony Danza, and Ted Danson...

Wait a second, Rob, first of all...

l'm flattered that you would
even think of me for this...

but, Rob, no one wants
to have lunch with me.

No, you are the guy who created Seinfeld.

- Yeah, but I mean...
- The people'd love to be sitting...

No one's gonna bid any money.
It's gonna be embarrassing.

To go to a Larry David lunch?
50 cents, you know, it's ridiculous.

You'll be surprised how much money
we'll be able to generate...

just by you agreeing
to have lunch with them.

I just feel like there's a lot of pressure
for me to be entertaining...

No, you don't have to be entertaining.
Just be yourself...

and they'll just be thrilled to be with you.

- If you don't want to...
- No, l'll do it.

You will? Great.

You'll be surprised at how much you go for.

Surprised, l'm gonna be...

l think you're gonna
be surprised at how little I go for.

Anyway, thanks, Larry, I really appreciate it.
That's great.

I think that Santa Barbara thing...

l think that's a pretty good idea.

I think l'm gonna do it.

You know, go to Santa Barbara one day.

So, what are you doing on Saturday?

What do you think about
going to the beach?

Santa Barbara.

- The two of us?
- Any interest in that?

- Yeah.
- Really?

- I think that would be wonderful.
- Do you?

- Of course.
- Really?

Don't you think I would
love to go to the beach?

- Do you? You want to?
- I can't believe that.

What about golf, you're not playing golf?

I don't have to play. I won't play, big deal.

You don't have to play every Saturday.

- No, of course not.
- You can spend the day with your wife.

- Exactly, that's what l'm doing.
- I would love to accept your invitation.

Okay, you got a date.
Now, what do I need to bring?

- You don't need to...
- I need a bathing suit, right?

You need a bathing suit...

but that's all you need
to worry yourself with, okay?

I'll take care of the rest.

A radio? Is there a ballgame
l can listen to or anything?

Then you're defeating
the purpose, aren't you?

So what do you do, you lie down
on a blanket, and...

You bask in the sun.

Don't forget sun block.

I will not forget sun block.

- 35, 40. As high as you can get.
- As high as I can get.

Gotcha. I'm looking forward to it.

All right.

That was a nice drive, I have to say.

Yeah, look at this.

It's beautiful out here.

All right, let's see, l'll grab this.

Shoes in here.

- I'll get this.
- What, where do I put this suit on?

- Why didn't you wear it?
- You got yours on?

Of course.

I thought l'd be uncomfortable.

You're going to the beach.

I didn't want to drive an hour and a half
with a bathing suit on.

I don't have to put it on.
I'm not gonna go swimming anyway, am l?

So what's the difference?

This is beautiful.

You want this water cooler?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

I can't carry all this stuff.
What about the umbrella, you want that too?

Yes, please.

Oh, my God, this is gorgeous.

- Got any sun block?
- Yeah.

Jews buy, like, 85%% of the sun block
that's sold in this country, don't you think?

I've never thought about...

Without Jews these sun block people
would be out of business.

Is that right?

Yeah, l've never once seen a Gentile ask for,
or even put on, sun block.

True.

I don't really get this fascination
that people have with the ocean.

No?

I stare at it for 10 minutes
and I go, "Okay, I get it."

Don't you feel calmer?

I feel aggravated that l'm missing
what other people are getting.

- Holy shit.
- What?

I think I just saw my therapist.
You see a guy in a striped bathing suit?

Skimpy, skimpy suit, you see that?

- Yeah, I see him.
- Yeah, that's my therapist.

Why don't you go say hi?

- I can't talk to him in that bathing suit.
- It is pretty small.

How can he walk around
in a bathing suit like that?

I mean, he's at the beach,
he can wear whatever he wants, right?

- What's he doing?
- He's just kind of settling in.

Did you see the back of his bathing suit?
How does he walk around like that?

Can we go? Let's just go.

We just got here, we're not gonna go.

That's ridiculous. Plus, if you get up,
don't you think he'll see you then?

I've got to stay like this now,
for the rest of the day?

I guess that's up to you.

Kiss that therapist goodbye.

The only question now is,
do I tell Richard Lewis?

- Are you sure it was Dr. Weiss?
- It was him, it was him.

No question about it.
It was Weiss, Dr. Weiss.

Thong, up his ass.

- Like Richard Simmons?
- Richard Simmons has a thong up his ass?

- Did you ever see him do that shit?
- No.

Holy shit.

So, you know, I just wanted to tell you,
you know, so l'm leaving...

You know what, this is so unfair of you.

I turn you on to this guy,
he's a brilliant doctor.

- I would've never told you.
- You should be thanking me.

Saving you from this hedonist
giving you advice.

Hedonist, he's a hedonist?

- He's not a hedonist.
- What is he?

This is my 28th therapist since 1969.

I don't want to go anymore,
l don't want to break the record.

The recap is very hard.
Your recap is two, three months, isn't it?

Two, three months? That's just the crib.

I was born in Brooklyn, and I felt alienated...

- and I became an alcoholic.
- Okay, you don't have to do it right now.

How am I gonna tell him
l'm gonna leave now?

Is it like a woman?
Can you do it on the phone?

You're not canceling cable.

You have to go in. He's a human being.
You got to say...

Let's go out to lunch, let's talk about this,
'cause we need a game plan.

There's no plan, you go in and quit.
What are you gonna do?

- Can't we have lunch and discuss this?
- I can't.

- Why not?
- I've been auctioned off for some charity.

What is this, Roots?
What you mean, "auctioned off?"

It's some celebrity auction.

Somebody paid $4,000
to go have lunch with me.

- Do you believe that?
- You should be flattered.

He wants to have lunch with Larry David.

I feel a lot of pressure
to be entertaining, you know?

All right, enjoy your lunch.

Mr. David! Mr. David, over here.

- Hiya, John Tyler.
- John Tyler?

Like the president.

President Tyler.

- Yeah.
- Should I call you Mr. President?

This is great. Thank you
for donating your time...

for the auction and everything.

"Tippecanoe and Tyler, too."

- You know what "Tippecanoe" was?
- No.

You don't know?
If I was named after a president...

l would know everything about him.

I wasn't named after him,
it's just a family name.

- You never know. I'm related to King David.
- Really?

Yes, so, a president and a king...

at the same table. Pretty big table.

- It's a family name, really.
- Big family?

Yeah, five brothers and sisters,
you know, lrish.

You ever catch your parents having sex?

- No.
- Me either.

You know they did, but you wonder when.

So where you from?

- Jersey, originally.
- Yeah?

You ever see Joe Piscopo's Jersey Guy?

"I'm Jersey guy.

"I'm from Jersey, l'm the Jersey guy."

Yeah, people from Jersey
didn't really find that guy funny.

Ever play the salt and pepper shakers?

What song is this?

"Happy Birthday To You."

Happy birthday

Happy birthday, Mr. President John Tyler

Happy birthday

Anyway, everybody
from Groat's Syndrome Association just...

Thank you for your time...

and for donating the lunch.
We really appreciate it.

Please, whatever you need,
l'll donate anything you want.

I'll donate it all. My time, my organs.

What do you want, you want a kidney?
I'll give it to you.

What else do you need?

I've got a terrific penis.
I could donate a penis.

I've got good spleen, excellent spleen.

Mr. Spleen gets rid of dirt and grime

And grease in just a minute

Mr. Spleen will clean your whole house

And everything that's in it, Mr. Spleen

lf you change "Mr." to "Monsieur,"
say, "Monsieur Spleen"...

then you'll think that the commercial was...

Monsieur Clean, Monsieur Clean

lt's a devastating illness...

and we just appreciate
everything you've done.

I've never heard of it. What is it called?

- Groat's syndrome.
- And what does it do?

It's a nervous system syndrome...

that makes people extremely
excited and nervous.

- My niece has it.
- Of course, Dick Groat.

Named after Dick Groat...

who used to play shortstop
for the Pittsburgh Pirates.

I know, 'cause he was a bald guy.
And he didn't feel very well...

'cause he was very excited
all the time, is that it?

No, the doctor that initially diagnosed it
was named Groat.

- You sure it wasn't Dick Groat?
- Yeah, l'm pretty sure.

Dr. Groat might be Dick Groat's father,
for all we know.

- No?
- No, my niece has it, and...

You might want to check into that.

So, he's wearing this skimpy
kind of Speedo bathing suit...

his boys are hanging out all over the place.

I'm not going back there.
No way, I can't, would you?

- To the beach?
- No, to the therapist.

Yours will be ready
in just a few minutes, sir.

- Mind if I start?
- He said it'll just be a couple minutes.

So, you don't want me to start, is that it?

It's a couple minutes.
You don't mind, do you?

I just think it's kind of weird.

I mean, if you had your food come first...

l would say, go ahead and start,
what do I care?

- I would wait for you to get yours.
- I wouldn't want you to wait.

I'd be uncomfortable if you waited.

I'd feel it would be polite to wait
for your food to arrive.

I think it's kind of impolite
to prevent a person...

who is hungry from eating.

Yeah, but we're supposed
to be having lunch together.

Do we have to start at the exact same time?
I don't get that.

I don't see why you can't wait two seconds
for your cold sandwich. It's not even hot.

I don't see why you care
if I take a bite of my food.

- How does that bother you?
- Because we're having lunch together.

- So what?
- The two of us.

Thanks.

Thanks for switching appointments with me.

Yeah, no, problem.

Larry, what happened with that lunch?
What did you do?

- I'm sorry, I just...
- What did you do?

I felt so much pressure
from the fact that this guy had paid $4,000...

and I tried too hard to
be entertaining and affable.

So, you told him that Groat's syndrome...

was named after the shortstop
for the Pittsburgh Pirates, Dick Groat?

I didn't say that as a fact,
l speculated, because...

Yeah, 'cause Lou Gehrig
had a disease named after him.

And Dick Groat was a ball player.
I thought it was a possibility.

Didn't you read the literature I sent you?

- That depresses me.
- Then you shouldn't have agreed to do it.

- I was just having lunch with the guy.
- I know, but Larry, that's another thing.

You start eating before he gets his food?

What kind of... I mean,
Groat's or no Groat's...

l mean, where are your manners?

I asked if he would mind. I was starving.

- And what did he say?
- He said he did mind.

And you should've taken that
as your cue to wait...

till his food arrived,
so that you could start eating.

Meanwhile, the guy's insulted.

I said, "Do you mind if I start?"
He said, "Yes."

What kind of person says yes
to "Do you mind if I start?"

Do you know anybody who would do that?

He told me he was going
to cancel the check...

unless, you know... I was like, searching.

I said, "ls there anything we can do
to make it up to you?"

He said, "Maybe if Larry would...

"get more involved
and show that he really cared...

"about Groat's syndrome, maybe then
l would agree to give the money."

And I suggested,
"lf Larry would agree to host...

"the Groat's syndrome talent show...

"maybe he could make it
up to you that way."

And he said he would agree
to make his donation...

if you would agree to host the talent show.

Couldn't I just write the check?

Larry, that's not the point.

It's not just the giving money.

It's getting involved, you know, in Groat's.

It's being Groat's active.

It's not a big deal,
all you got to do is you show up...

you say a few things,
you make a couple of jokes...

and then you introduce
the participants in the show.

These are all people,
by the way, with Groat's syndrome.

These are all people who will demonstrate...

that you can have a life
with Groat's syndrome...

and you can be active
and talented and all of that.

I don't understand how lunch could come...

and it's right in front of you, and...

lf you don't feel like
you've done anything wrong...

and you don't feel like
you have to make it up to them...

then fine, go your merry way.

I don't want you to lose the check.

This would go a long way
to helping us secure that check...

and I think also, do quite a bit...

in raising some consciousness
about Groat's.

They still trust me now,
they would want me to do that?

Okay, all right. Good to talk to you.

All right, thanks a lot.

- You'll think about it?
- I definitely will.

- Feel good.
- All right, you too.

- Okay, I do.
- Goodbye.

Hello.

Hello.

I've got some...

big news.

And the news is that...

l think l'm all better.

- Really?
- I'm feeling pretty good.

Pretty, pretty, pretty...

pretty, pretty good.

- What happened?
- I had an epiphany.

And l'm just...
My whole life is in perspective.

I feel great.

- What was your epiphany?
- I'm ready to terminate.

- I'm terminating. I think I can terminate.
- That's wonderful, Larry.

You know what I am? I'm the terminator.

- I am the terminator.
- Was it the beach?

- Was it going to the beach that did it?
- I didn't go to the beach.

I went shopping with my wife, and...

Which is even better,
to go shopping with her. Imagine that.

- No beach?
- I didn't go to the beach, no.

But here's the thing that I want to say.

Once in a while,
l'm sure l'll have a problem...

that's gonna come up.
I would love to be able to come back.

You know, just intermittently, if I can,
if you'll have me, I hope you will.

Just to kind of have
a little refresher course...

just in case things start to go off again.

So, now you feel
all these things that were upsetting you...

Yes, I don't need to
come in regularly anymore.

- All the problems, the Jason Alexander...
- Jason Alexander, yeah, what?

I go to his office for a meeting...

he wants me to go back
for the next meeting.

You see how agitated you are, Larry?

I mean, that's a situation
that I find rather annoying.

Yeah, but that's okay, that's okay.

No, I mean, 'cause you
just got through saying...

how great you feel.

I do feel great.

But, if you're gonna
remind me of the holocaust...

l'm not gonna feel so great.

- Frankly, you seem...
- I don't really think I need to come.

- You seem agitated today.
- Agitated?

No, what you're
seeing as agitation is actually ebullience.

You've never seen me ebullient,
so you don't even know what it is.

"Who am l?" you're saying to yourself.

Yes, that's exactly what l'm saying.
Who are you?

I don't even want to talk about it too much,
lest I dissipate it.

I mean...

l see swings of emotion
that disturb me a little bit, Larry.

There's no swing. I'm a hammock.

- A hammock is very placid.
- A hammock?

Yeah, just gently flowing
in the breeze, that's me.

I must tell you, Larry...

you don't seem to be
gently flowing in the breeze.

You've been in therapy for a while,
l know you pretty well.

I feel bad that you
are such a good therapist...

that you're kind of a victim
of your own talents and skills...

that you have to lose a patient
because of the job that you did.

It's unfortunate, l'm sorry.

I just want to make sure that l'm losing you
for the reason that you're saying.

Yeah, of course you are.

Because I know
you were at the beach, Larry.

I was not at the beach.

So it had nothing to do with the thong?

- So?
- He's on to us.

He knows about the whole thong thing.

He knows about the thong thing.

- He's on to us?
- He's on to me.

How did this happen? He's on to me now.

- He'll be on to you.
- How did this happen?

Who told him?

I had this lunch
with that guy for the charity...

and I told him about it.

He must've told Rob, who told him.

Why would Rob even... Christ.

It must have come up somehow,
l don't know.

So what happened? Are you out of there?

- I'm out, yeah.
- How?

I told him I was happy
and I didn't need the therapy.

- You told him what?
- I told him I was happy.

That's what l'm telling him.
How can you steal my termination?

I didn't. I didn't know
you were gonna say that.

- How else am I gonna leave a shrink?
- How the fuck do I know?

I'm miserable and l'm suicidal,
l want to leave?

So, what am I gonna do?

Tell him you're
a Scientologist or something.

- I'm not.
- Tell him you're into Scientology.

It's easy for you to say, l'm a shrink person.

It doesn't matter,
you need something to get out.

- Tell him you went to Scientology.
- I need a better excuse.

Look, what is this? This is what?

Is this the Beverly Center, this thing?

This is so... Look at this,
with the leather, the whole thing here.

- No, that's unbelievable.
- Yeah, okay.

Listen, it's good to see you.
Stay feeling good, I feel great too.

What's the name of that book again...

Battlestar Galactica?

- I don't know, I just...
- l'll look, l'll check that out.

It's a movie too, isn't it?

- I have no idea what you're talking about.
- I'm very happy, l'm very happy for you.

- How are you?
- Good, how are you?

I've never felt better in my entire life.

Groat's, we're not as hyper as we seem

Groat's, let's hold on to the dream

Thank you.

Yes, that was Beth Sweeney,
ladies and gentlemen.

Another round of applause
for Beth Sweeney.

Wasn't she wonderful?

And she is living proof
of the great work being done...

by our team of scientists
at the Groat's laboratories.

And I have been assured
that after they come up...

with a cure for Groat's,
they're gonna tackle baldness.

I've been assured.
So, watch out, bald people.

Your day is coming.
Don't give up hope, keep hope alive.

You must keep hope alive, bald people.

Okay, our next performer...

is a young lady who comes to us
from Fullerton, California.

And she's a pianist.

And I think you're going
to enjoy her very much.

Please welcome Miss Melanie Tyler...

ladies and gentlemen, Melanie Tyler.

This is awful. You can't let her do this.

- I don't know if we should pull her off.
- I gotta get her off.

- Time to stop.
- No!

- Come on, stop.
- No!