Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Shrimp Incident - full transcript

Larry gets take out food and has a run-in with a TV executive, the same one he is about to meet with to discuss his TV pilot idea. But after getting home, he accuses the network exec of taking some shrimp from his dinner.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
No, don't eat cookies,
it's almost time for dinner.

Why don't we go out?

- Chinese?
- Chinese, that would be great.

We could stop and get a drink first.

What do you mean
stop and have a drink first?

We can stop at...
You know where I want to go?

Casa Del Mar,
the fancy restaurant by the water.

We can stop and have a leisurely drink.

Are you kidding?
You can have a drink at the restaurant.

No, but this will be nice.

It'll be just a few hours of hanging out,
having a drink.

You know, first you want to just stop off...

and have a drink there,
and then get back in the car...

and then drive to the restaurant.

It seems like you should just go
and get the drink at the restaurant, no?

I would like to stop off
and have a drink on the way.

It's the same drink,
what's the difference where you have it?

It's a different atmosphere.
You know what...

l don't understand,
it's a different atmosphere?

- What, I thought...
- Yeah.

But it's the drink, isn't it?
They have it at the restaurant.

What's the difference
what the atmosphere is?

- It's a big difference.
- But don't you want to eat?

I do want to eat...

but I would like to sit
and have a drink and socialize...

and not have food passing by us.

I don't see how you could sit
and have a drink...

knowing that you want to leave to eat.

When you're thinking about food...

how can you sit and relax
and have a drink, it doesn't...

You're missing the whole point of the drink.

That's it! What is the point of the drink?
I am missing the point.

You're at a place where everyone's sitting,
having cocktails and socializing.

Then why even go to the restaurant?
If it isn't socializing, then why go there?

I don't wanna go.

Fine, we'll just get takeout food, great.

- That's fine. Good.
- Yeah.

- Here you are, sir.
- Thank you very much.

- And here's your food.
- Okay.

- Enjoy your dinner.
- Thank you.


Rolling, rolling, rolling

All right.

Keep those doggies rolling


Julia Louis-Dreyfus called.


- Did you tell her the idea yet?
- No, l'm gonna pitch it to her tomorrow.

She's gonna love it, I bet.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, don't you think?

- We'll see.
- My elbow is killing me.

This tennis elbow.

Yeah, you know what you should do,
you should call Jojo.

Didn't you say he leaves
marks on you sometimes?

He leaves some black and blue marks,
but he'll fix it.

- What is this? Is this garlic noodles?
- That does not look like kung pao shrimp.

This isn't our food.

Did you check the order before you left?

Yeah, I did, but I decided
to take the wrong food home.

Thank you for inquiring.

I guess you'll just have to run back there...

and get the right order.

What a pain in the ass.

If you could hurry, that would be great...

l'll try.

- I'm really hungry.
- Idiots.

- Yes, sir, how can I help you?
- We got the wrong order here.

- I'm so sorry, are you David?
- Yeah.

That man just brought back your order.
This is it, l'm so sorry that happened.


Okay, this is mine?

- This is yours.
- Okay, thank you.

You're welcome.

My God.

- Here's your food.
- What?

- We got our orders mixed up.
- God.

You almost had my kung pao shrimp.

- How are you?
- Good, how are you doing?

- Good, everything good?
- Yeah.

- Cheryl good?
- Yeah.

- How's everything at HBO?
- Tremendous, just terrific.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Wonderful, couldn't be better.


- We should get out of here.
- Yeah.

I'm back.


- Good.
- That was really pleasant.

Thank you so much. It'll be worth it.

You know who I ran into? Allan Wasserman.
That's who had our food, Allan Wasserman.

- Do I know him?
- The guy from HBO, the president of HBO.

Yeah, remember two years ago,
l got out of that special.

I told him my stepfather got in an accident.

Yeah, why did you make up
a lie about a stepfather?

- You don't even have a stepfather.
- I just thought it was a better lie.

'Cause if you make up a lie
about a stepfather...

you'll be believed, don't you think?

- That must've been awkward.
- Yeah, it was pretty awkward.

But he didn't mention
anything, and neither did l...

so I don't know.

- Want some noodles?
- Get some of this kung pao shrimp.

Where's all the shrimp here?

Where's all the shrimp?
There's only three shrimp.

- In that giant container, there's...
- Yeah, three shrimp.

- There's usually more than that.
- There's usually, like, 10.

You can have them.

Did he take the shrimp?

I'll bet he took the shrimp.

- Wasserman?
- Yeah.

He was probably hungry.
He got the container.

He knew, he saw it wasn't his food.

And he ate shrimp,
and then brought it back.

Would he really do something
like that, though?

What do you mean, "Would he really?"
There's three shrimp in there.

I really don't want
to be eating after somebody else.

I mean, it's just the whole notion of
the guy gets the wrong order of food...

and takes food that doesn't belong to him.

And then returns it?
What, thinking we're not gonna notice this?

The guy took our shrimp.

Good, nice move.

Hi, Lar. It's good to see you.

- Yeah, good to see you.
- Did it take you a long time to get here?

Maybe about 25 minutes, half hour.

- My God, that traffic.
- Yeah.

Next time, l'll come to your office.

- No, what are you kidding?
- No, l'm not kidding.

- I'll come next time.
- I'm happy to come to your office.

You don't have to come,
l'm happy to come here.

No, we can go back and forth.

We don't need back and forth,
we'll just do forth. Don't need back.

You've turned into a very nice man.

I'm a lovely gentleman.

- So, what's this idea? I'm dying to hear it.
- All right, here's the idea.

- Yeah.
- You play an actress...

who was on a big TV show,
a big hit show, like a Seinfeld.

And when the show ends...

the actress has trouble getting work.

Because everybody identifies her
with this character...

who she played on the show.

- Right.
- Let's say she played "Evelyn," okay?


And she grows to hate the character,
and she becomes embittered and hostile.

All these people
who are yelling out, "Evelyn" all the time...

and everybody wants her to do Evelyn.

And she can't get work because of Evelyn.

- And that's the show?
- That's the show.

- That's a pretty interesting idea.
- You think so?

The thing that I love about it is that,
you know, this does happen to me.

And it happens to you,
you're able to deal with this.

"Elaine, Elaine, are you Elaine?"

That happened to me last week,
l was skiing.

"Evelyn, Evelyn." lt'll be on the series.

"Hey, Evelyn."

That's a good name for the series.

How about this: Aren't You Evelyn?

Aren't You Evelyn?

That's pretty good.

I mean, I think it's a really funny idea.

But I wonder if it's
better suited for somebody...

you know, like Jason.

Jason, I don't...

- Let me tell you why.
- This isn't Jason at all.

- Because...
- I think he's completely wrong for it.

I mean, but he played such a...

l don't know, an idiot on the show.

Maybe it would be better suited
for somebody like Jason.

I could see you being
more frustrated than Jason...

'cause you know how many
different things you can do.

Yeah, that's true.

Really, this is all he can do,
between you and me.

Yeah, you know, l'm more...

- Yeah, you're more versatile.
- Versatile.

- That's why I see it for you.
- Yeah, all right, I like this idea a lot.

- You do?
- Yeah, I like it.

- Good, l'm so relieved.
- So let's pitch it to HBO.


I want to be able to say "fuck," you know.
And I wanna say...

What's the big deal about saying "fuck"?


You don't need to say that.

Actually, I do.
I haven't really gotten to say that a lot.

I haven't. I would like
to be able to say that. "Fuck."

Besides, I have a little problem with that...

the guy who runs it up there,
Allan Wasserman.

- The president?
- Yeah.

What problem?

I think he's bad, l'm not gonna go into why.

- I just don't think he's a good guy.
- What if we didn't deal with him?

Let me tell you why l'm bringing this up.

I've got a friend, a pretty good friend,
Michael Halbreich, who works there.

- I don't know if you know him.
- Gay guy?

Gay, no, he's not gay, he's married.

- Michael Halbreich?
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah, he's married.

- I could have sworn he was gay, that guy.
- No, l've known him for years.

I'm in a poker game
with Michael and his wife...

That's great, I wish I was in a poker game.

Why don't you join?

A couple who's in the game,
they're going to the Galapagos lslands.

It would be great
if you and Cheryl would like to play...

'cause we actually need another couple.

You know, l'll ask Cheryl.

I mean, l'll play even if she doesn't want to.

Okay, yeah, ask her,
and then you could also get to know him.

- He's a nice guy.
- Okay.

I'd just like to put HBO in the mix,
l'd really like to.

- All right, HBO.
- All right, exciting.

- Thataway, Jojo. Get in there.
- Shut...

- Get in there.
- My God.

She has a very high tolerance for pain,
this woman, don't worry about it.

Wait, that's...

Julia Louis-Dreyfus invited us to play poker.

She's in this poker game...

Okay, do we have to talk
about this right now?

- We're finished.
- That's it?

- That's it, just got to wash my hands.
- Thank you.

The man's an artist.

- My God.
- What happened, he hurt you?

My God.

What do you got? That's nothing.

That's gonna be a lot worse in two days.

I really don't like that you're taking
so much pleasure in this.

Anybody have a cough drop?

- Would you like a Fisherman's Friend?
- Yeah, sure.

- All right, have one of these.
- Thank you.

- Do you want one, Julia?
- All right, thank you.

- Would you like to try one?
- No.

I can't believe we're here.

I know, this is amazing.

- Pitching another show.
- It's exciting.

The two of us, doing this together?

Lord, I don't like this at all.

Hang on a minute.

I like it a lot.
How long have you been her manager?

- Three...
- No, almost, actually four years.

Is it four now?
Time flies when you're having fun.


Even when you're not.

Tell me what you think of this, okay?


My wife and I are going
out for Chinese food the other night.

She said that she wants
to stop off for a drink first.

I don't get this.

Why park the car, go into this hotel...

have the drink, then come back out...

get in the car again, drive to the restaurant.

It seems like a huge waste of time.

You can get a drink at the restaurant.

- It's sort of an old-fashioned...
- Yeah, it is.

...romantic idea, don't you think?

Yeah, it's lovely.

We're just going out to eat.

- Did you go out for the drink?
- No.

Was she mad?

Very annoyed.
We're not on good terms because of it.

I think you were totally right.

Yeah, see?

It makes no sense,
unless you're trying to get laid.

And maybe that's what she was trying to do.

Maybe Cheryl wanted to get laid.

Okay, I got your point.

Listen, the two of you will take this.

You know, l'll introduce it,
and you'll run with it, okay?

- They're ready for you guys now.
- Then here we go then.

You ready?

There they are.

- Hi, how are you?
- Good to see you, too.

Hi, Michael, how are you?

- Good.
- European.

- Yes, very.
- Hi, how are you?

- Everybody, good to see you.
- You know Michael Halbreich?

- Yeah, hi, Michael.
- Larry, nice to see you again.

- Very cute.
- I have it in blue, too.

I gave Melissa one of those, it's really nice.

- Hi, honey.
- You all right?

Hi, Larry, it's Judy. It's nice to see you here.

It took about 45 minutes for that, didn't it?

- Jesus Christ.
- Sorry, Larry.

You gotta make the nice.

- Yeah.
- Gotta make the nice.

- You've gotta make the nice.
- How's the stepfather doing?

- Good.
- He's doing better now?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, miraculous recovery he had?

All right, so talk to me.

We got a big show to pitch for you,
big show.

- All right.
- Something different and interesting.

- I'll let the principals take care of it for you.
- All right, Larry and I were talking...

about this concept recently,
and I think it's pretty exciting.

All right, you start, and then l'll, you know...

do a dance and cheerlead and stuff.

How were the garlic noodles,
the other night?

- What?
- The garlic noodles?

- I didn't touch your garlic noodles.
- I didn't say you touched my garlic noodles.

- They were your garlic noodles.
- Right.

But you did touch the shrimp.

What are you talking about?

Right, Al?
I ordered Chinese food the other night...

and we got our orders mixed up.

And when I got my order back from him,
about seven or eight shrimp were missing.


The shrimp mysteriously disappeared.

- I didn't touch your shrimp.
- Who gives a shit, come on, Larry.

I don't want to talk about shrimp.

I would understand
that you don't want to talk about it.

Look, Larry, you got your food,
l got my food.

Yeah, you got your full order,
l got mine minus seven shrimp.

You counted the shrimp,
you're a shrimp-counter now.

It's pretty obvious when there's two shrimp.

- Listen, I didn't touch your fucking shrimp.
- Really?

If you want shrimp, take your $475 million,
go buy a fucking shrimp boat.

- Yeah, okay.
- Larry, come on.

He's gonna walk out now.
This is what he's famous for.

Nothing changes in 25 years with this guy.
Same shit.

I'm really sorry. I'm so sorry.

What where you doing? What was that?

- He insulted me.
- How?

He implied that I was lying
about my stepfather.

- You don't have a stepfather.
- But I didn't like the implication.

The implication
for your imaginary stepfather?

How can he insult you
about somebody who's imaginary?

- For goodness sake...
- Because it was...

Let me just ask you something,
what is the shrimp business?

You know, he got my container by mistake
from the Chinese restaurant...

and he took out eight shrimp from it...

that didn't belong to him,
and gave it back to me.

As if I wasn't gonna know
that he took the shrimp?

What does he think, l'm a moron?

Larry, everybody steals shrimp,
and everybody lies about it.

This is Hollywood.
You got to apologize to this guy.

- Please.
- You have to apologize.

We want to make this here.
I want to make this here.

- Go apologize.
- I'll tell you something else, too.

You have to get yourself
into major psychoanalysis.

I'm in analysis, it doesn't do anything.

- What kind of analysis?
- Does nothing.

Apparently not.

Have you talked to him
about your imaginary stepfather?

I'll tell you this right now.

I'm going back to that restaurant,
and l'll go count the shrimp...

and ask them
how many they put in the container.

- I'll bet you there's eight missing, at least.
- You do that!

Everyone, the game is five-card stud.
Everyone ante up there.

- So, Mickey, what do you do?
- I'm a dentist.

- I've been Brad and Julia's dentist for years.
- Really, Mickey, that is good to know...

because I actually need a dentist,
mine just moved.

- Give Candy a call on Monday.
- I will.

You know, my dentist told me
l have the gums of a 25-year-old man.

I think it was about
the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Everything's okay with you and Allan, right?

Larry, you guys are all
made up and everything?

- Yes, we kissed and made up.
- This is the unfortunate shrimp incident?

- That's the one.
- I've been dying to hear this.

There was a mix up
at a Chinese takeout restaurant.

Larry got Allan's order, and Allan, Larry's.

I guess when they switched them back,
Allan had taken seven of your shrimp?

- That's my claim, yeah.
- Allegedly.

Right, and it turned into a big thing
and he stomped out of the meeting...

which I had never seen before.
I almost thought it was not real, but it was.

I saw the Jackson Pollock movie
the night before...

and I got very influenced
by the artist, you know.

It was very impressive.

But everything's fine now,
and we're very delighted...

you guys are with HBO,
very happy to have you.

- Where are we? I've lost...
- l'm out, she's out.

I'm in.

No, you're not out, sweetie, it's only two.

- God, okay.
- Okay, you're good.

All right, l'm such a ditz, okay.

So, Larry, how come you guys
didn't take the show to NBC...

with the history you guys have there?

- You want to answer that question?
- Because I wouldn't let him.

You wouldn't let him?

No, because GE will not take responsibility
for dumping the PCBs in the Hudson river.

And I say, why keep supporting them?
It's ridiculous.

But the main thing
l would like to add is that on HBO...

you can say "fuck."

And that is, you know, very tempting...

So you throw in a "fuck,"
you double your laughs.

It's a crowd-pleaser.
"Fuck" is a crowd-pleaser.

- You write it, and l'll say it.
- The game is...

The game is Guts.

Card skill game, Brad.

No one appreciates Guts, what's the matter?

Let's play it.
Two-card Guts or three-card Guts?

Two-card Guts, two cards down.

- Whoever loses has to match the pot.
- We keep betting until people drop out.

This is stiff. This could be record-breaking.

You show-biz types get a little richer
than the dental profession.

I'll bet you there's about $800 in there,
you know that?

- I would say at least.
- It's all right.

Let's try.

- I'm in.
- Yes!

- I'm out.
- I can't do it either.

I don't even have enough to cover that.

- Not a chance.
- No, l'm out.

- Go in, somebody.
- Yeah.

Melissa, come on.

- No, out.
- Michael!

- I'm here.
- In?

No, l'm out.

Hall, you must go in,
she's gonna steal the whole thing.

- Don't let your wife steal this thing.
- How much is that?

- A lot.
- It's about, $700, $800 in there, come on.

- $700, $800.
- Are you serious?

I really can't do it, l've got nothing.

My God, look at that, holy cow.

You've got to tell us how much that is.

- What did you have?
- I had a 6 and a 10.

I can't believe you stole this pot.

I'm sorry.

What a bluff,
l can't believe it. What did you have?

- I had nothing, 2 and a 4.
- That's what I had, nothing.

- What did you have?
- I am afraid to say I had an ace high.

- Ace high?
- Sweetie.

I know, but...

How could you not go in with an ace high?

You cunt, what a cunt!

I can't believe
that you didn't go in with that.

I just thought she...

What a hand,
that's a great hand for this game.

How could you not go in with an ace high?

I think that's
kind of a misogynist thing to say.

Come on, l'm kidding around.

On behalf of the women at this table,
and myself, I am offended by that.

Please, we're playing poker here.

That kind of language
is not allowed in a game...

in a decent game.

That's so unacceptable, that's not okay.

It's okay, l'm fine. It's fine.

It's not fine.
You know what, time to go, how about that?

Yeah, I think l'm gonna call it a night...

and the Parishes are back next week, right?

- Yeah, they're back from the Galapagos.
- It was nice meeting you guys, thank you.

Thank you so much.

- I'm gonna call you about my...
- You do that, call Candy.

- Bye, thanks for coming.
- It was nice meeting you.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone.

Thanks for coming you guys,
it was great to see you.

Yeah, we'll see you next week.

So I guess
we probably won't be invited back...

to their poker night.

- Yeah, I don't think so.
- You think?

- I can't believe you did that.
- Come on.

You just shouted out
the C-word in front of women...

in front of other people...

lt's a word you use
when somebody doesn't act manly.

And he didn't act manly,
he should've gone in.

He should've gone in with that ace.

I think there are other words
that you could use...

besides that one.

Maybe in retrospect,
l should've said, "Pussy."

- Jeez, I can't be...
- l'm really shocked.

I can't believe that guy
called me a misogynist.

- I know.
- Nobody ever called me that before.

Maybe you are.
Maybe, l'm learning things about you.

Maybe I am a misogynist.
Maybe I like to beat my wife a little bit.

- Wait, no! Larry!
- You little bitch.

Okay, l'll be good, I promise.

- Buckle up!
- I'm buckling.

And Wasserman says
this is our last chance. This is it.

'Cause of what you said to Halbreich.

All of the women at HBO,
they don't want to work with you.

- That's ridiculous.
- They think you're a misogynist.

- 'Cause I called the guy a cunt, so what!
- 'Cause you called the guy a cunt.

Big deal, I call men pricks all the time,
men want to work with me.

Cunt's worse.

It's not worse,
pricks and cunts, they're equal.

- Pricks, cunts, come on. They balance out.
- No, cunt's much heavier.

- Why is cunt heavier?
- I never questioned, it just is.

- That's sexist to me, come on.
- Michael Halbreich took a leave of absence.

What do you mean?

From you calling him a cunt,
he's shell-shocked...

and he's examining everything in his life.

Taking a leave of absence.

- Man, is that so?
- Yeah.

Shit, you know...

l thought he was
one of those effeminate heterosexuals.

There's no such thing
as an effeminate heterosexual.

You're either gay or you're not gay.
He was gay, he's gay.

Hi, would you like to be seated?

No, actually,
l'm a little curious about something...

we're having a little dispute.

How many shrimp do you
generally put in the kung pao shrimp?


- You always put in 11?
- We have a very strict policy about that.

Thank you very much.

- Hi, Mickey.
- So it's this Cheryl.

- Yes, good to see you again.
- Good to see you again.

- That was quite a poker game.
- Yes.

I don't think we ever had one like that.

Yeah, Larry can get
a little carried away sometimes, I guess.

He takes his poker very...

This bruise, there's a funny story here.

Cheryl, you know, I barely know you...

but when we were coming
out of the poker game the other night...

we saw into your car...

and we saw Larry hitting you.

Larry and I do a little bit sometimes
where he acts like he's punching me...

and I act like, "l'm getting hurt."

- We just kind of...
- You'll have to excuse me...

l don't deal with this kind of thing often...

but if you would like to talk
with me about this...

in this cubicle...

we have patient-doctor confidentiality.

And that applies to dentists, too?

I think so.

I think we're on the wrong page here.

Yeah, I have
a very good social-worker friend...

Mickey, listen,
this is a complete misunderstanding.

There's no misunderstanding.

What we saw
Larry do to Michael at that card game...

there's no misunderstanding
that I saw him beating you in your car.

I have seen Larry David in action,
and that man is an animal...

and he has to be stopped.


So that's it, it's all over at HBO.

Dentist got in touch with Wasserman,
thinks l'm a wife-beater.

He thinks l'm a wife-beater.

- I mean, it's so crazy.
- I know.

- There's other networks, right?
- This is not the end of the world, HBO.

We'll go to ABC. I don't have to be at HBO.

- No.
- It's not TV? It's TV.

What do they think people are watching?

- Yeah.
- Watch it on TV.

Don't you? You don't go
to the movies to see it.

- How are we doing over here, folks?
- I think l'm done.

Can I get this out of the way for you? Great.

- Delicious.
- You like it?

- Yeah.
- Great.

How about dessert menu?
We got a lot of good stuff.

- Yeah, excellent.
- You know what, I think we'll take the bill.

- You sure? Okay, l'll be right back.
- Let's go to Shutters and get dessert there.

- Just get a change of scenery.
- You don't want dessert here?

It would just be more fun
to go someplace else.

Relax by the beach.

But we're already here.
We could have dessert in two minutes...

- then we could...
- But it's not all about just the dessert.

- What's it about?
- It's a little bit of an adventure...

to go some place else
and see something new.

I don't know if that's any adventure, really.

- That's an adventure.
- That's an adventure?

You know what, fine.

- No, wait, I just don't get it.
- I mean, because it's ridiculous.

- We're having a meal.
- We're having a good time...

- and I suggest to go to some...
- You're breaking up the good time...

You're breaking up the good time.

'Cause I feel like
l want a cup of coffee after I eat dinner.

I don't feel like getting up
and driving some place.

You know, Larry,
l would just like to go home.

Quick cup of decaf?

Can I get it to go?

That's different, though.

- Are you Mrs. David?
- Yes, I am.

Hi, l'm Linda Johnson from Social Services.

We received a phone call
that there was some domestic violence...

going on in this household.

Actually, this is all a big misunderstanding.

Yeah, this.

Would you care to press charges?