Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Trick or Treat - full transcript

- Are you nervous?
- I'm very nervous.

I was saying earlier...

This is my first time l'll sit,
and on the screen of a movie...

my name is the only name up,
as sole writing credits.

- That is exciting.
- It's the first time with an audience.

The first screening for... And all my friends.

And the industry people as well.

- Hey.
- Hello.

Hi, Cliff.

I'm glad you could join us.

Sorry l'm late.



I just couldn't pick out an outfit.

Just stop it.

It's actually the truth. I'm not even joking.

- I drove by the theater.
- And?

I saw the marquee.

- And how does it look?
- It looks great.

The numbers... 30 Below.
Instead of spelling that out?

I'm gonna get a picture of that, too.

Yes, you have to get a picture.

- This is a big night. Yeah!
- It is.

Very excited.

Where did you come up with the idea?
Shelley told me something about...

- Cliff Cobb, table of four?
- Great.

You know, I understand what it's like...
Thank you.



...to do something
that you put your heart and soul into.

The whole process is different
if you're just a writer for hire...

Hey, how's Cheryl's present coming?

It's just beautiful.

One of the most beautiful bracelets
l've made, I have to say.

Her birthday's on Friday, so l...

- You'll have it before then.
- By Thursday?

- No problem.
- Great. Thanks so much.

I can't believe you've been...

l have been trying to get to
the Amazon for...

You've got to go.
If you've been feeling that way...

Particularly west of the river, north a little,
it's unbelievable.

And is it just a bunch of people?

Yeah, it's you and guides, in a group.
It's a large group.

You just go to...

l think it depends which company
you go through.

They'll put together different groups
to go out there and do it.

- Are there tons of snakes?
- There's tons of everything.

But that's why you go, right?
You're gonna see it and...

Forgot my napkin.

You know, it's etiquette.

Very important. Must put the napkin on.

It seems silly to put a napkin on
an old pair of pants.

...unless it's some kind of huge emergency.

- Are we ready?
- Yes, please.

Okay, I think l'll have the grilled salmon.

Grilled salmon, all right.

- Yeah, me, too, actually. Same.
- Okay.

- I'll have the paella.
- Good choice.

I think l'm just gonna get a Cobb salad.

Okay. Cobb salad.

And I want to make
just a couple of substitutions if that's okay?

- Sure.
- Okay.

- I'll get no bacon.
- No bacon.

No eggs.

Take it easy.

Blue cheese on the side.

- You sure want a Cobb salad?
- You should get something else.

I'm getting a David salad.

Yeah, it is a David salad.

And l'll get agitation, if you can.

And if the chef can't do this,
if he makes a face at all...

- just come back and let me know.
- Okay.

- Okay, thank you.
- Thank you very much.

Do you go through that
every time you order that salad?

Sounds like you're having a problem
with that of some kind.

- Is it a big deal? What's the big deal?
- It is. It's my grandfather's salad.

- And yeah, it is a big deal.
- So...

lt was your grandfather's salad!

- My grandfather created the Cobb salad.
- Is that true?

I'm the "Cobb" of Cobb salad.

- He's told this many times.
- Oh, my God!

- It's true.
- This is a nice little bullshit story.

No, I am not lying about this.

My grandfather was a chef.
He worked all over...

and there was a time
he was at the Drake Hotel...

working in Chicago and he would
experiment with different combinations.

And the word got out.

That's how the Cobb salad was born.

What? Why is that so hard to believe?

It's just so unbelievable.

It's just, so many people do
what you just did...

and I just don't understand.

I can tell you this, l'm not gonna do it again
if you're at the table.

No, I apologize. I'm jumpy tonight.

The movie, it's...

l was thinking, "What does he give a shit
about what l'm ordering in my salad?"

Let's... What were we saying?
We were talking about what?

I want to get out in the rough.

Right. Amazon.

Did I tell you that I have a very good friend
that went to South Africa?

South Africa. Beautiful. I've been there, too.

He went for a hunting trip.

You know, my grandfather's name
was Harold Bingo.

He invented Bingo. Are you aware of that?

Do you move your camp
or is it a base camp?

I'm not kidding.

They don't even...

We can talk about anything,
they don't have any idea.

Get their own table.

Doesn't make a difference.

They'll take you out there
and get you so close to these animals...

- We should have sex sometime.
- Yes, we should.

Really?

...when you're right there
and looking at it...

Larry, how you doing?

Donald, good to see you.

- What's new?
- Well, not too much.

- How about you?
- Playing a lot of golf.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You know, we should play it sometime.

I don't play golf.

- Since when?
- I haven't played in a long time.

- You don't play golf anymore?
- No.

Larry, come on.

Listen, if you change your mind,
let me know, okay?

- Good to see you.
- Okay.

So glad you could make it to see it.
Go get a seat.

- Listen, l'm gonna check the house.
- Okay.

See what's up.

What is that? I don't know that.

- It's Wagner.
- Really?

It's called Siegfried Idyll...

and he wrote it as a birthday present
for his wife Cosima.

She woke up in the morning
and she heard this beautiful music...

and she came out on the landing
and he was conducting this orchestra.

- That is so beautiful.
- So romantic.

Yeah, listen to this.

That's pretty.

Excuse me.

Are you Jewish?

Are you Jewish?

You wanna check my penis?
Is that what you wanna do?

My real question is,
what were you whistling?

- Hello, Dolly.
- No, it's Wagner.

- Was it?
- Yeah.

You, sir, won $100.

I wanna know
what a Jew is whistling Wagner for...

Do you wanna know?

...when he's one of the great
anti-Semites of the world.

- You know what you are?
- What am l?

- You're a self-loathing Jew.
- Am l?

Yes!

I do hate myself, but it has nothing to do
with being Jewish.

No, it doesn't have anything to do
with being Jewish.

Those millions of Jews were taken
to the concentration camps...

with Wagner being played
in the background.

Yes! Hitler's favorite composer!

- Really?
- Yes.

They got a mental asylum
a couple of blocks away.

I suggest you go and check yourself in.

Where's your Judaism?

Judaism? Where are you?

Where are you, Judaism?

How can you have this attitude?
That you're better?

They should put a muzzle on you.
You're foaming at the mouth.

Please, thank you.

That's something you need to think about,
all right?

- Hi, how are you?
- What's going on?

- Everything all right?
- No.

- But l'm looking forward to your movie.
- I'm so glad you're here.

Get a seat. I'm so glad you're here.

- Is everything all right?
- You know that guy?

- That's Walter.
- Walter?

Yeah, he lives right by you.
Two streets away in your neighborhood.

- That's comforting.
- He's really obnoxious.

We should get a seat. Come on.

Can you keep it down?

Hey, l'm allowed to eat popcorn.

Stop it.

I'm tired. I'm sorry.

I just welled up.

Mazel tov. Mazel tov.

Congratulations.

Cliff, oh, my gosh!

- That was wonderful.
- Congratulations!

I mean, perfect.

- Great job.
- Thank you very much.

Fantastic!

I can't believe that you had that guy
dive into that ice-cold water.

- You liked that?
- Yeah. I mean, my God!

I know it's freezing 'cause you can
see the smoke coming out of his mouth.

Is it smoke? What comes out of your mouth
in cold water?

- It's breath.
- But looks like smoke.

You really like that?

- I just told you I like it.
- Yeah, all right.

- I thought it was good.
- Really?

It was good.

We should go out for a drink, you guys.

Larry, probably not, right?

You have a big day tomorrow.
He has to get his sleep.

What you got going on tomorrow?

Nothing, l'm just sitting around.
I'm not doing anything.

- I don't have a big...
- We're tired, too.

Tomorrow, l'm sitting around.
I'm not doing anything.

Sitting around?

Listen, thank you for coming.

- Hey, great job again.
- Hope you liked it.

Bye.

- I want to see those pictures.
- I'll get you the pictures.

And everything was perfect.
You should feel so proud.

Are you happy? It was really great.

Yeah, I loved it. Honestly, I did.
I thought it was really good.

- Who are you talking to?
- Wanda.

No, it was really good.

I loved every minute,
and then I look over and Larry's yawning.

What? I...

He invited us to this movie.

I wasn't bored. I was yawning because...
Can't somebody be tired and yawn?

I mean it's a biological function.

- He invited us to that screening.
- Doesn't necessarily mean you're bored.

I thought it was rude.

I thought it was. And, of course...

Really rude.

You know who Cliff is? Cliff Cobb.
Yeah, that cute guy in the wheelchair.

So we're in the lobby
and we're talking to him...

and everyone's congratulating him
and he's having this great night...

and he asks Larry
what he's doing tomorrow...

and Larry says that he's just sitting around.

Instead of just telling him
he's playing golf...

He can't say he's playing golf...

he tells him that he's gonna sit around.

'Cause I don't wanna make him feel bad.
Why should I say l'm going out?

If I was handicapped,
l'd want people to tell me...

that they're sitting around.

"Oh, l'm going out, going golfing,
or horseback riding..."

You feel good that you're lying to him?

If I was playing checkers,
l'd have told him I was playing checkers.

- He was trying to make Cliff feel good.
- That's a good thing.

Why'd you tell the other guy
that you're not playing golf?

Because Cliff was right next to me...

so I didn't want Cliff to hear
that l'm playing golf.

I don't want to play
with that guy anyway to tell you the truth.

I won't play golf with that guy.

He's out of his mind!

I know, he thinks
he's doing a really good thing.

Yeah, absolutely. Okay, I gotta go. Bye.

Trick or treat.

Happy Halloween.

Festive?

Hey, very nice, you're going golfing?

Yeah, actually.

- You look very snazzy.
- Yeah?

This is a good look on you. I like it.

Thank you. I don't tuck in that much.
Golf makes me tuck in.

- You look good tucked in.
- I'm rarely tucked in.

Any messages?

Your therapist called. They wanna move
your appointment up an hour.

So please call them.
And Shelley Cobb called.

Hey, the bracelet might be ready.

- Hey!
- Oh, my God.

Cheryl is gonna flip out
when she gets this thing.

I wish I could videotape this reaction.

But I don't know how to work
a video camera.

I mean, it really took some time
to do this thing, too.

- Here's what I want you to do.
- Okay.

I want you to go on the lnternet
and get some information for me...

on the Cobb salad.

Who invented it, where it comes from...

Okay, l'll get on that right now.

- All right. See what you can find out.
- Right away.

Shelley. Hi, it's Larry.

Yeah, a lot of fun.

And again,
tell Cliff how much we enjoyed it.

That was really a good piece of work there.

Yeah. Okay.

We should go out. I'll talk to Cheryl.

Just you and me?

Oh, my God.

Shelley, no. That was...

No, that was just a joke
because they were talking so much.

It was like a joke for their benefit.

Oh, my God, no.

No. That was just an arm.
I was just stretching my arm.

That didn't... Oh, no, Shelley.

No, Shelley, of course not!

Shelley, you don't...

But no, that's not true!

But what about the bracelet? Shelley!

Larry? Is everything okay?

- The salad stuff?
- Yeah.

"The Cobb salad was created at
the legendary Brown Derby in Hollywood."

The owner, Bob Cobb,
was hungry one night.

In the middle of the night,
he went downstairs...

and he came up with it.

It wasn't the Drake Hotel in Chicago?

No, it was in Hollywood.
You remember that...

Let me see that.

- Created at the Brown Derby in Hollywood.
- Right.

My friend Cliff Cobb lied to me
about the Cobb salad!

His grandfather didn't invent it.

Bob Cobb did!

- Trick or treat!
- Look at you.

There you go.

Bye.

Those kids are really cute.
You wanna do some?

- You wanna switch?
- Yeah, you can do some.

Okay.

Well, let me just do a few more bags.

You keep up the...

You do a few and then we'll switch.

Trick or treat.

- How old are you?
- Thirteen.

- Thirteen?
- Yeah.

You look more like 16 or maybe even 17.

- No, we're 13.
- Can we just have our candy, please?

Where's your costumes?

I'm being my sister. This is my costume.

- I'm a teacher.
- You're a teacher.

Wow, I would like to get my seat
in your class.

- You got candy?
- Hello.

Yeah, I don't think so.

- You kidding?
- It's Halloween.

Yeah, I know. Doesn't mean you're entitled
to go around to people's homes...

and bilk them out of candy.

- Are you kidding?
- Yeah.

Asshole! Fuck you!

Shit.

Can you believe this?

Those girls.

Yeah, why would they do
something like that?

Because I didn't give them candy,
that's why.

You're standing at the door
with a bowl of candy.

Why can't you...

Because I don't think 17-year-old girls
with no costume on...

- You shouldn't be allowed...
- Who cares?

They were just using Halloween
to get candy!

Who cares?
It's Halloween, just give them candy.

You just use the holiday
for your own selfish purposes?

So what? So you'd rather have them
toilet-paper your house?

I didn't know that it was gonna be
"felony or treat."

I didn't think the trick extended to felony.

Why would it kill you
to just give them a few pieces of candy?

I don't understand that.

Because there's gotta be
some kind of cut-offs...

- for Halloween to work.
- What is it with you and your cut-offs?

And your "shouldn't there be"
and "should there be"? Who cares?

Trick-or-treating at 40?

Free candy, l'm 40 years old,
l want free candy!

Not everybody knows your rules.

You got a set of rules and you think
everyone's gonna adhere to them...

but they're not,
because nobody knows them.

You have a long day of cleaning
ahead of you.

I'm gonna clean it up by myself?

You're gonna clean this up by yourself.
Whose fault is this?

I'm gonna call the police.

So they had no costumes?

Right, they had no costumes,
and for some reason, that really upset him.

You sure there were no costumes?

'Cause sometimes
they can be very subtle costumes.

No they weren't subtle at all.
There were no costumes.

They were just going around
from house to house for candy.

Is it possible to find these girls
and maybe talk to their parents?

By your descriptions,
"dark hair, 20 years old"...

l mean, there's 10,000 kids
who could fit that description.

It was sort of Elvira-ish.
She looked like Elvira.

So she was kind of
in a little bit of costume there.

The Elvira thing.

No, that wasn't a costume.

I'm just using Elvira to describe her.
That's all.

It's just a way to... lt's a shorthand.

They knocked on the door,
they said, "Trick or treat"?

- Yeah.
- And you had treats.

Yes.

I was giving out candy all night.

But I don't have to give them candy,
they don't deserve candy...

and I don't deserve this. "Bald asshole"?

That's a hate crime.
We're a set, we're a group.

You can't call us bald assholes.

What if I were gay?
Would that be "gay asshole"?

That's a hate crime.

But it says "bald asshole."

But we consider ourselves
a group of people.

Sir, l'm bald, l'm not offended.

With all due respect, Officer Byrd,
you are not bald.

You have chosen to shave your hair.

That's a look you're cultivating
to be fashionable...

and we don't consider you part of the
bald community. With all due respect.

Did they threaten you in any way?
Did you see weapons of any kind?

No, there was no threat,
except for the "trick" threat.

- What's the trick threat?
- The trick or treat.

"No treat? Trick."

It's a threat.
How far can you take these tricks?

- If it was any other night...
- Trick or treat, bang-bang!

But it's trick or treat.
We cut the kids a little slack on Halloween.

It's kind of a social contract you enter
when you open that door.

They say, "Trick or treat,"
l would advise you, give the treat.

Why don't you give them the candy
next time, Larry?

I will not be intimidated. Even on Halloween.

Are you playing golf?

Today? No, I played yesterday.

What are you doing dressed like that?

I like the outfit. I like the way it looks.

Yeah, but it's a golf outfit. It's sort of...

Doesn't have to be just golf.
You can't walk around? It's a shirt.

- It looks good on you.
- That's what people tell me.

- So maybe...
- People are right.

Wanna play tomorrow?

I actually can't. It's Cheryl's birthday.

So...

And why can't you?

Don't I have to spend her birthday with her
or something?

Early in the morning, what does it matter?
Is she a baby?

How old is she, 5 or 6 years old?

- Maybe you're right.
- You're taking her out for dinner.

Yeah, I don't have to chained to her
the whole day.

- Why can't we play golf?
- I'll come by in the morning.

I haven't seen the house yet, anyhow.

Great. We'll play. You're on for tomorrow.

- Not a religious holiday...
- No.

Let's talk about the Jason Alexander thing.

What's going on?

I'm done with it. It's over.

He didn't wanna drive to your office
and the whole thing's off?

I went to his office twice,
he never came to mine.

This is just... Excuse my language,
this is completely fucked.

It's too bad. It was a great idea.

I heard that Julia is looking for a project.

And if you ask me,
you can do the exact same project with her.

Actually...

it could really work with her.

She does have the exact same problem
with Elaine.

People always see her as Elaine.
They just want her to do Elaine.

All I got to do... lt's the same thing.

And I know she's been looking for a show.

- I'm gonna call Julia.
- Great.

Larry. Gotta quit meeting like this.

So, can I ask you something?

- How's the golf?
- I didn't play golf, Donald.

"I don't play golf." Look at that shirt.

I'm just wearing a shirt. I like this shirt.

Nobody wears a shirt like that
unless they're gonna golf.

I like this shirt.
I get a lot of compliments on this outfit.

Fine, if that's the way it's gonna be, so be it.

No, it's not the way it's gonna be.
I like the clothes.

You don't have to just wear them
on the golf course.

You're sick.

You can wear clothes, these clothes don't...

Stop it.

Shelley?

Shelley's not here.

- Hey, Cliff.
- What are you doing?

I need the bracelet that she made for me.

Yeah, the bracelet.

Yeah, it's my wife's
birthday tomorrow. So...

Yeah, yeah, your wife's birthday.

Forget the bracelet, Larry.

There isn't gonna be any bracelet.
No bracelet, I know what's going on.

- You know what's going on.
- I know what's going on.

You think I don't have eyes?

I'm not blind. Get it straight, all right?
My eyes work.

- What the hell are you talking about?
- What am I talking about?

I'm talking about the little knee game
with Shelley.

I'm talking about the arm over the neck.
You're busted.

Oh, yeah, l'm busted.

She told me in the restaurant,
you propositioned her.

I was joking around at the table, okay?

And she probably took me seriously.

She did take it seriously,
l'm taking it seriously, too.

I was joking around
'cause you guys were talking...

and I wanted to see
if you were paying attention.

You didn't even hear me say that.

So that's how friends joke around.
One friend jokes with the other friend.

"Let me ask his wife to screw me."
That's how you joke around?

Wait a second.
What the hell are you wearing?

- What?
- Those are golf clothes.

- I didn't golf today.
- You said you weren't golfing.

- Why are you wearing those clothes?
- I like the way they look.

You expect me to believe that?

Yeah, they look good.
People compliment me.

- They don't look good!
- I'm tucking in now!

I can see. You're a liar, man!

- I'm a liar?
- You're a two-faced, backstabbing liar.

I'm just realizing this now.

- It's all coming crystal clear now?
- Yeah.

I'm the guy who goes around
telling people...

that "my grandfather invented
the Cobb salad"!

- That's true.
- That's me who does that?

That's true.

The Cobb salad, my friend,
was invented in 1937...

by Bob Cobb at the Brown Derby!

That son of a bitch stole that salad
from my grandfather.

- Bullshit!
- And you call my grandfather a liar?

You're dead, you son of a bitch!

It was invented in 1937...

by Bob Cobb
in the Brown Derby Restaurant.

What's he gonna say?
I had him dead to rights.

Oh, my God. I gotta call you back.

Hey, Elvira.

Some fucking weirdo is trying to talk to me.
I'll call you back.

- Hey, Elvira!
- What the fuck do you want?

"What the fuck"? That's some language
for a 13-year-old girl.

- Impressive?
- Very impressive. Yes.

Did you have a good time last night?

Yeah? I'd like to talk to your parents.

- They're not home.
- They're not home?

No, they're not.
Can I help you with anything?

I suspect they are.
Or you wouldn't be out here smoking.

- No, I have respect for the household.
- Do you?

Yeah, l'll bet you do.

Larry David!

What brings you to our Jewish home?

Well, well, now it all makes perfect sense.

- What makes perfect sense?
- This is your daughter.

Yes, this is my daughter.

I think you might be interested in knowing
that your daughter, last night...

threw eggs at my house,
papered my house with toilet paper...

wrote "bald asshole" on my door.

Bullshit.

Threw eggs at his house and put...

- No, she says no.
- He's crazy.

- She's a liar.
- She's not a liar.

No, you're a liar.
You're a liar as a human being.

- Here we go.
- I heard about Cliff and his wife.

Did you?

I heard about you
trying to sleep around with her.

A disgrace to your people.
That's what you are!

The psycho-meter's back on now.

Postman! Come here!
Tell the neighborhood!

What a shanda Larry David is.

Not only are you a lousy Jew,
but you're a lousy human being!

He screws the wife of a man in a wheelchair!

A shanda!

Maybe you should have given me
some candy!

You're a lousy Jew!

Oh, my God!

Happy birthday.

Larry!

- Get out. I'll...
- What's going on?

I'll meet you. Wait outside.

Happy birthday.

I forgot. We were supposed to play golf.

You can't play golf today.

- It's my birthday.
- I made a plan with him.

- You need to get rid of him.
- Okay, all right.

We're supposed to be on the tee
in 10 minutes.

Don't you knock before you come in?

I did knock. I've been knocking for a while.

Okay, quiet.

What's going on?

That woman didn't give me the bracelet,
so I had to come up with something.

- I came up with this.
- That's nice.

No.

I can't do it.

You know what I went through?

You have any idea what it takes
for me to take a day off?

Do you have any idea?

What? Come on!

Maybe I can play nine. Hold on.

- Can I play nine?
- No, come on.

I can't do it.

Come on, just go.

How about six?