Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Thor - full transcript

While going to meet Jason Alexander to discuss an idea for a new TV project, Larry has a run-in with professional wrestler Thor Olsen. Thor accuses Larry of "shooting at his kids", and ...

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How are you?

What are we doing here?
How come we didn't go to your office?

I didn't go to my office yet...

Hi, can I get you some coffee?

I'll have a decaf.

Thank you.

"Can I get you some coffee?"

Wouldn't you love that?

I left Susie last night.

It was a whole big thing,
l got the hell out of there and I told her:

"I'm going to a hotel, don't call me."



Yeah.

Holy cow.

Yeah, I don't know
if it's gonna go any further...

than just a separation type situation.

I mean, it was a long time coming.

My problem is...

l don't know about
the divorce thing, because, you know...

l don't want her telling people about me,
or things to come out in court.

I never broke the law,
you know, but personal things.

What kind of things? What do you mean?

Like sexual.

You know, there's certain sexual things
that I like...

and I don't want Susie
yammering about what they are.

They're not horrible things
that involve anything that's against the law.



She's got some...

Yeah, but, you know, just stuff...

Stuff that you don't want her to repeat.

I don't want her to repeat.

This is sexual blackmail.

Sexual blackmail.

That is just awful.

That's, yeah, it's...

That's why l've never done anything
even remotely kinky...

ever, with anyone.

The craziest thing l've done:
I've been on the bottom.

You know, that's it.

Not even with your wife.

Look what's happening with your wife.

You protected yourself ahead of time.

I don't tell my wife anything,
l don't confide in my wife.

I don't trust anybody.
I just treat her like an acquaintance.

Do you think I want her
blabbing about me to people?

If we got divorced tomorrow,
she'd have nothing to say.

Or maybe she could say
l hate a couple of people, but that's it.

I probably said a couple
of nasty things about you...

but other than that...

That's assumed.

I do need you to do me a huge favor...

and that is go over by my house
and get my clothes.

Susie will know all about it.

She's gonna be there?

Yeah, she probably will be there. You're not
pushing secret codes and all that.

She'll eat me alive.

Just grab my stuff.

I feel like it's, like...

lt's almost worse
than confronting a mourner.

I owe you big time.

No, you don't owe me.

I'll go later today.

My God. You would not believe this article.

You would not believe
what a political agenda AAA has.

Honestly.

They just want more roads,
so there will be more cars...

so they'll have more members
and more money coming in.

They don't care about the environment...

they don't care about pollution,
and we're members!

We're supporting this?

You should read this.

I'm going to.

Why are you so quiet?

I'm not quiet, you're reading.

Are you thinking about sex?

What the hell are you talking about? No.

Whenever you're quiet,
you're usually thinking about sex.

I'm not thinking about sex.

You're not thinking about
a little afternoon sex or something?

I'm just curious.

It's kind of kinky.

- You think l'm kinky?
- Do you think you're kinky?

You just said, "That's kind of kinky."
Do you think l'm kinky?

I'm not kinky.

I'm just saying...

you wanting to have sex in the afternoon
is crazy.

First of all, I didn't say I wanted
to have sex in the afternoon.

You said that, why do you say that?

You got a lot going on in there.

Like, sick things going on,
is that what you think?

- I didn't say "sick."
- You think there are sick things going on?

Are there sick, twisted things going on?

No, not at all.

I don't know where you get that from.

I'm just thinking about Jeff, that's all.

Forget I said anything. Sorry.

I got to go call Jason Alexander.

For the show?

Yeah, we're gonna get together.

Do you believe that I might be getting back
into network television?

I think it's great.

All right.

- He really loves the idea.
- That's good.

I mean, he can't stop talking about it.

- Hello?
- Jay?

- Who is this?
- L.D.

- Lar?
- What's shaking?

We gonna hook up and talk about the show?

That's what l'm calling about.

Great, where do you want to do this?

We could do it...

we could do it here,
we could do it in my office...

Would you mind coming here?

Okay, all right, l'll meet you there.

- You don't mind?
- No, that will be fine.

- 3:00, okay?
- All right, l'll see you then.

- Okay, pal.
- Bye.

Never fails:

Every time I have to go to a meeting,
or there's a meeting...

it's never in my office, or my house.

I'm always going.
Nobody's ever coming to me.

I've never had a meeting
in my house or in my office.

I don't even need chairs in front of my desk.
Nobody ever sits there.

Every meeting, l'm traveling.

I'd know that tush anywhere.

Jabroni, open the window.

- I'm awfully sorry.
- I didn't ask your opinion.

I've got three kids in there scared to death...

because some bald-headed turd
is shooting at them.

No, sir, we were playing
Cowboys and lndians.

Have you heard of Columbine?

It's idiots like you that cause this whole
society to be going crazy with violence.

- No, l'm not a violent...
- Shut up!

You know what you're looking at?
You are looking at 245 pounds of steel...

and drop-your-bony-butt-to-the-curb appeal.

I will body-slam you so hard
that you will poop your bald pants.

- You hear me?
- Yes, sir.

Don't you ever point another finger
at my kids again...

because if you do, I will break it off,
and shove it up your sphincter.

- You hear me?
- Yes, sir.

Yeah, 71350359.

That's impossible!

When?

Okay, I want to get it reinstated.
No, she had no authorization to do that.

No, that's my wife.

No, I don't want to cancel it.

All right, thank you very much.

- Dude, you're gonna bust your bumper.
- What?

You're gonna bust
right through your bumper.

It goes through, in front of your other tire.
Your back tire.

And use the crank, it makes it easier.

- Which one?
- Right there.

Which, there's two cranks.

You got to loosen the lug nuts first.

You mean, before I lift it?

Am I too close to the curb?

Do you know anything
about changing a tire?

You want to help me change a tire?
Could use a little help.

No? Need a little assistance.

I never took a shop class
and I need a little help.

I'm just coming flat out
and saying, "Help me."

Anybody want to help
a semi-retarded individual change a tire?

$25, $30? $30 to change a tire.

Okay, $35.

$35 to change this tire for me, right now.

I'll give you $35.
I'll give you $10 for a response.

For a verbal response, $10.

Anybody want to make $10
and respond verbally?

No?

Then he calls me a bald turd.

Five minutes later, my tire...

Jesus Christ, so, he cut it,
he slashed the tire.

- Slashed the tire, yeah.
- Son of a bitch.

The guy's coming with my car...

and I got to drive him to the gas station...

so I got to go downstairs.

Now?

Yeah, in a couple of minutes,
he's gonna be here.

I'm sorry.

All right, did you get
a license plate or anything?

The guy's license is "14 THOR."

"14 THOR?"

And he looked like
a Norseman of some kind.

There's a guy,
there's a professional wrestler...

his first name's Thor, Thor Oleson.

- Thor Oleson.
- That sounds familiar.

And I think
there's a big wrestling thing in town...

at the Staples Center, it could be him.

You're kidding? He's in L.A. For this...

Yeah, who else would have a plate like that?

He sounded like a wrestler...

when he was standing over my window...
That voice.

The description is exactly the same
as what you're saying.

Big, huge guy, long, blond hair.

- What's this thing?
- That?

- You ever get one of these?
- No, what are these?

Supposedly, I drove through
some sort of red light or an intersection...

and they have these photos now.

- Holy cow, they took your picture?
- Yeah, they had the thing up on the light.

I don't mind it if they actually catch you
doing something illegal, but not on camera.

Jesus, am I fat!

It looks like
you've put on a couple of pounds.

Horrendous.

- I'm real sorry, what a waste of a day.
- No, listen.

I'll tell you, you want to do it tomorrow?

I don't think there's that much to go over.

Yeah, let's make a time with Vera,
you'll come back in tomorrow...

l got some openings in the afternoon,
and we'll kick it around for an hour.

We'll get into it.

I was kind of thinking maybe tomorrow
we could do it in my office in Santa Monica.

No, that's okay, let's not do that.

We'll do it here. This is good, this works.

It's kind of a lot easier for me...

if we could do it in Santa Monica.

I mean, you know, I came here today,
so, tomorrow maybe...

Yeah, it kind of works a little better for me
if you come here.

It's a little easier.
I can focus on it a little better.

I got a very nice office.
You'll be able to focus on anything.

I got a very comfortable chair.

I got blackboards up there,
we can write it all out.

You know, it'll be a breeze.

It's not the office, l'm very low maintenance.

We were supposed to have a meeting.
And we haven't had a meeting.

Let's start by doing what we set out to do.

Let's accomplish that,
let's have a meeting, at my office.

We did attempt to have the meeting,
and I did make the drive part.

So, the drive part, that I did do.

Yeah, the driving you got done good.

But that's a little out of balance now.
'Cause I did my drive.

It's not out of balance
because you were driving and I was waiting.

The important thing is we didn't meet.

There's a lot to do while waiting
but nothing while driving.

Tomorrow, if you want
to drive to my office...

l'll be happy if you make me wait
for as long as you want.

- I know, but we made a plan.
- I understand.

We said we'll meet at my office
and have a meeting.

That's the plan...

that's not accomplished, let's accomplish it.

We attempted to have the meeting,
but it was aborted.

- Then we failed, let's have that meeting.
- We're having that meeting right now.

This is not a meeting about the show.
This is about having a meeting.

I know, but the intention is the same,
don't you understand?

- I drove here with the same intention.
- The driving is not the meeting, Larry.

The driving is what we're talking about.

You keep coming back
to this insane thing with driving.

- Driving is not the issue.
- I think driving is the issue.

We had a singular plan.

We were gonna have
a meeting about the show.

So we're having a meeting.

You could drive around the world,
we still haven't had a meeting!

- Cheryl?
- Yes?

What did you do? You canceled AAA?

What happened to you?

Why didn't you tell me
you were canceling AAA?

After that article, how could I not?

- I was reading it to you.
- You didn't say you were canceling it.

I was going to tell you when you got home.

That's great, I had to change a tire.
And then, look at this.

- What happened?
- It's a long story.

I got to go change my clothes.

I got to go to Jeff's house
and get his clothes.

Why did you tell Wanda she has a big ass?

- I didn't tell Wanda she had a big ass.
- She just called me and told me.

I didn't say she had a big ass, okay.

I yelled out the window and I said,
"l'd know that tush anywhere."

Why would you do that?

Why would you even
comment about her ass?

What's the big deal?

You might as well call out and say:

"You got a really big ass," it's the same.

- It was just a friendly remark, that's all.
- That's a friendly remark?

Yeah, I was just being nice.
I was being nice and chummy.

You don't yell a comment
about a woman's ass.

- There's only one way to take it.
- No, if she had a small ass...

l could have said,
"l'd know that tush anywhere."

You shouldn't say anything at all.

- You just shouldn't talk about...
- What's the big deal?

What if I did say she has a big ass?
That's not terrible.

What's the matter with a big ass?
I like big asses, there's no problem.

You like big asses?

I don't mind a big ass.
No, not necessarily big.

- No, this is interesting, you love big asses?
- No, I don't love big asses.

How big do you like them?

I like them just the regular...
l like them just like yours, okay?

Because mine is really big,
and "l like them big."

It's not really big, it's a good size.

You said, "l love big asses and I like yours."

No, I said, I don't mind them. I like your...

There are a lot of things
about you I don't know.

- There's nothing about me.
- Yeah, I didn't know you had this ass fetish.

- I don't have an ass fetish.
- This is very kinky.

- It's, like, all this stuff is unfolding now.
- Nothing's unfolding!

This is interesting. After years together,
l'm just finding out...

What are you, crazy, no!

That's so untrue, no, l'm not a deviant.

I didn't say "deviant."

Don't say I have an ass fetish,
you got nothing on me.

- Are you expecting somebody?
- Wanda.

What?

Come on in.

You know who I am? Okay.

I thought I had to turn around,
and show you my big ass.

You completely,
completely misinterpreted that.

- I didn't say you had a big ass.
- You yelled out, "Hey, big ass Wanda."

No, I didn't say "big ass,"
l was just saying hello.

Is that how you say hello?

Is that it? "Hey, big ass."

Or "Hey, Assy," or "Hey, I know your ass."

What is that,
that's not how you say hello, is it?

Perhaps not.

Something about my ass
has made you download it...

and you stored it in your memory.

That's not so.

- What is wrong with him?
- We were having a discussion.

Did you tell him how wrong it is
to say something like that?

- I told him.
- You know, a woman's ass is very personal.

I didn't know he was so obsessed
with asses until today.

- You have an ass man.
- What are you saying?

- You are an ass man.
- I am not.

You are an ass man.

- It's this ass fetish I didn't know about.
- I don't have any ass fetish, okay.

Obsessed with asses?
I am not obsessed with asses.

Okay, Assy.
And why is that shit all over you?

What you been doing, looking for asses?

All in the bleachers and stuff,
"Where's the ass?"

If it isn't Jeffrey's messenger boy.

He is such a slimy, spineless creature
that he sends you to do his dirty work.

Don't you resent it?

No, l'm fine.

All right, let's get this over with, come on.

He can't even face me, that fat fuck.

You know what I mean,
he sends you, his friend...

he puts you in this awkward position,
like all the times he used to keep secrets.

It's not awkward, there's no secrets.

Honest, it's not awkward,
l'm very comfortable.

You think I don't know...

about all the little bimbos, these actresses.

What are you talking about?

He tells them he's going
to give them parts...

so he can get a nice blowjob.

- I know him.
- Blowjob?

He thinks I don't know this shit.
What did he tell you, what did he say?

Did he tell you I kicked him out?
Yeah, his male ego, his stupid male...

He thinks I don't know
about that porn stash.

Take all this.
He's gonna need this in the hotel.

He told me that he doesn't want any of this.

Yeah, Freak That Booty, Big Ass Momma,
all his favorites.

Think I don't know about this crap?

You're into this shit, too?
You're into the kinky Big Ass Momma crap?

- Are you crazy?
- I thought you were a family man.

I thought I recognized
that woman from the back.

Let me tell you something.

Your perverse, fat fuck manager,
you know, what he makes me do?

- He violates me, Larry. He defiles me.
- I don't want to know.

At night, he makes me...

Who's that?

Susie, what's going on?

Where's Jeff?

- You've done something rotten.
- What is this?

All right, Jeffrey is at a hotel,
Larry is bringing the clothes.

I'm taking the clothes to the hotel.

I want to talk, could I go with you,
to the hotel?

I want to go with you.

No, you'll get excited,
you're overworked, stop it.

I want to see my boy.

You know what, take Mom to the hotel.

Dad, you stay here with me.
Okay, very good.

We'll take care of everything.

I'm sure you had something to do with this,
you rotten bastard!

Why did you have to put
those clothes of Jeff's...

just throw them off.

Why did you just throw them in the trunk
on top of a dirty old tire?

- There's something wrong with me.
- That's the question.

"What's wrong with me?" is the question.

Why would anybody do that?

I don't have a closet in my house.
I'm used to throwing things.

Throwing them on the floor.

I throw them on the floor,
that's how all my clothes are at home...

l don't even have a bed.

- I sleep on a big pile of clothes.
- It's just disgusting.

- I'm a disgusting man.
- I can see that, l'm just, l'm so...

You're disappointed in me.

I'm disappointed. Now what's this?

"Loose fat, as fast as you can."

Yeah, really.

That sounds good,
l'd like to get that number.

- Have you got a pen, let me put that down.
- There's one in the back seat.

In my day, nobody got divorced.

You know, one little problem,
and nowadays it's goodbye...

grab your clothes, and you're gone.

People live together for years and years...

hating each other desperately,
but still they...

What are you doing?

You like that old car.
You know the back seat faces out.

So that you can see where you've been.

Yeah, makes you nauseous,
the fumes, you know...

that come out from...
Can I help you with that?

That's okay.

- This is a beautiful hotel. Isn't it a beauty?
- Yeah, it's lovely.

I want to retire here some day.
Absolutely gorgeous.

- Did Jeff say he's gonna meet us here?
- He's gonna meet us in the lobby.

- I don't see him.
- There, what's that?

Jeff, darling.

What's the trouble here?

- Could I please...
- Yeah, hold on, come here.

One second, Mom. Drop them down there.

Your father is just all broken up about this.

We'll talk about it.

Go up to Room 818.

Here you go, Room 818.

I'll be up there in a second,
and we'll talk about everything.

I've come all this way.

Go with him and l'll be up.

Take something from the minibar.
I'll be up there.

- You promise me now.
- I promise you.

- All right, sweetheart.
- I'm sorry about this whole thing.

Thanks for the ride.

What happened with Susie?

Guys, dad's gonna run up to the bathroom.

This isn't funny,
so wipe the smile off your face.

Nothing, she's a lunatic.

- She's fucking nuts.
- Yeah, she's crazy.

Now you know why l'm here.

Remember earlier today
you said that you owed me one?

- Yeah, I owe you big.
- I need to take you up on it.

- Okay, what?
- Like, now, quickly.

- Right now.
- Yeah.

I actually have a rather bizarre request.

I want you to go outside,
there's a station wagon out there.

What?

I want you to let the air
out of somebody's tires.

It says "14 THOR" on the license plate.

It's a red station wagon, it's in front,
you can't miss it.

- "14 THOR," but why?
- You said you owed me one.

- All right, yeah, sure.
- But you have to do it now, hurry up.

All right, you'll be here, right?

I'll be here, yeah. Thank you.

Guys.

How you doing?

- Good, you?
- Good. Listen.

Your dad's that wrestler, isn't he?

- Thor, yeah.
- Big tall guy.

I got a little piece of information for you...

that might interest you.

- Wrestling's fixed.
- What do you mean?

All the matches are set up beforehand.
The winners are all pre-determined.

- It's completely illegitimate.
- You mean it's fake?

Exactly, fake.
That's exactly the word l'm looking for.

Dad's kind of a big fake.
You know what he is?

- He's more of an actor than a wrestler.
- Dad's an actor?

That's right, the whole thing's
a big phony boloney.

Everybody knows that.
Nobody thinks it's real.

You tell him the bald turd said hello, okay?

Hi.

What have you been up to today?

- Working.
- Really?

You and Jason worked things out?

No, we can't seem to agree
on the locus equidistant of points.

I suggested a restaurant,
he thought it was too close to me.

Then he suggested one,
and I thought it was too close to him...

and, we just can't get it together.

Of course you can't.
Are you expecting something from the city?

- No.
- Can I open it?

Sure.

Oh, my God.