Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Car Salesman - full transcript

Larry joins a new job of car salesman- a job for which he is ready to give up a lot of things. He also buys a house and so everything seems to be going fine. Only that people keep asking ...

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Here's Amber, everybody,
Amber, come on out.


Just move a little bit?

I asked you to be ready when I got back.

Have you even moved
since I left this morning?

Yes, of course, what are you talking about?

I got up to tip room service.

Come on, that's funny.

No, it's not funny.

It might have been funny a week ago,
but enough is enough.

Every time I walk in,
you're just sitting here...

with your chips
and your cookies and watching...


You know, listen...

we've got to meet that woman
in a few minutes.

So, you need to get dressed
so we can go look at that house.

Let me just finish.

No, you need to get dressed now.

No, because they're gonna go
to boot camp...

and I want to see which ones
get rehabilitated.

- Please get up.
- They break them down and they cry.

And then when they're done
with the boot camp...

they're all better.

Have you just retired...

is this what you'll do
for the rest of your life...

and you're never going to work again?

Of course l'm gonna work again!

- When?
- I don't know!

You're in the prime of your life!

I'm gonna work
when something comes up that I want to do.

I would really like for you to get dressed
so we can go look at this house.

- Fine.
- Fine, thank you.

All right, here's Brittany,
Brittany, come on out.

Look at that girl come out, look.

"You don't know me!
Yeah, you all go fuck yourself!

"That's right, yeah, come on!

"Come on, yeah, come on, yeah, fuck you!

"No, fuck you!"

It's big.

- It's really big. I think it's a little too big.
- No.

Look at the size of this place.

- It's perfect.
- Perfect?

This is like for the Osmonds, this place.

I didn't know
why we had to sell the old place.

- Just 'cause of the wire?
- It was making me crazy.

That's not a reason to move.

That is a reason to move,
when you can't get rid of it.

There's the real estate agent.

I don't know why we had to leave the hotel.
I love the hotel.

I cannot live there any longer.
It's not a house.

You get the room service, the wake-up calls.

When do you use the wake-up calls?
You never leave.

- Naps.
- My God.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Hello, isn't this beautiful?

- Yes, we were just...
- lt's awfully big.

It's very exciting, you're gonna love it.

- So, here's the scoop.
- Okay.

They are highly motivated sellers.
I think this one's a slam-dunk.

If you like it,
we'll go back and write an offer.

And I asked them about the cash.
They were totally open to a cash offer.

So, that is the absolute best.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

You could maybe be in here in days.

What, days?

They bought another house.
So they are so ready to move.

- Hello, hi, Susan.
- Hi, how are you?

- Good, how are you?
- Barbara Schneider, Cheryl and Larry David.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

- Hi, Larry.
- Hi.

My gosh, is that the ocean?

You get used to that in two days.

- Come on in.
- No, really.

- This is gorgeous.
- Yeah, it's very nice. Look at this.

We have vaulted ceilings.

- Very spacious.
- Beautiful.

What about this furniture,
it's fantastic, isn't it?

Yeah, it fits perfectly in this room.

Beautiful. Beautiful house.

- Really beautiful.
- Thank you, and this is our amazing view.

Breakfast every morning, sunrise.

I love the sea.

My father was an ltalian fisherman.

- Really?
- Yeah, from the old country.

This morning, you'll love this:
I saw a whale breach.

I've never seen that
here before, it's very rare.

Can you shoot the whales from the terrace?

- What?
- 'Cause I like to have blubber for breakfast.

- Don't pay attention to him.
- No, pay attention.

- Okay.
- Are these the new suckers?

Larry David, Jay Schneider.

I'd call you when you were at Seinfeld.
I was working at the William Morris Agency.

I would call him up and pitch my clients.
How you doing? Jay Schneider.

Hi, l'm Cheryl.

Nice to meet you.

You won't believe this,
l just signed Jason Alexander.

- You're kidding, really?
- We're two months into it.

He's phenomenal, l'm a lucky guy.

- A tremendous actor.
- Unbelievable.

Yeah, how's he doing?

Honestly, he's kind of struggling right now.

- Is that right?
- Everybody wants George Costanza.

You know what, he's nothing like George.

He's nothing at all like...

He's the antithesis,
'cause Jason is brilliant...

and George is an idiot,
just an imbecile and, you know...

lt's just tough to branch out with that.

I mean, the range of characters
this guy can do.

- You think he's an idiot?
- It's the classic barnacle.

But every sitcom needs that.

- What have you been up to?
- Nothing.

Yeah, I bet.

You got any ideas?
Anything coming down the pike?

I've got ideas, but I choose
not to carry them out.

I say we team up you and Jason again.
Let's get you guys in a meeting.

You should call him.

You're not doing anything,
let's take a meeting.

Yeah, you're not doing anything.

Let's sit down and just kick around,
just kick around some ideas.

- I think it's a good idea.
- Don't want to push.

- Nice sweater.
- Thank you, it's cashmere.

- Really?
- It's not for sale.

That's cashmere?

- 100% .
- It's nice, yeah.

- Let's go see the rest of the place.
- Yeah, let's see the rest of it.

I love it. I really think it's perfect.

Larry, did you love it?

- I liked it.
- You think it's perfect?

I really like it, it's a nice house.
It's big, but I like it.

- All right, that's all I needed.
- The master bedroom?

I love the master bedroom,
the downstairs, the fireplace.

Let me ask you something.

Did you notice that when I asked him
about the sweater...

he said it was 100% cashmere?

There's no way
that sweater's 100% cashmere.

It's, like, maybe 35, 40, 50 at the most,
but 100?

- That can't be...
- The sooner the better, l'm ready to...

Wait a second, do you trust this guy...

'cause the guy's lying
about a cashmere sweater.

You feel comfortable with that?

We're not buying a sweater,
we're buying a house.

Okay, listen, we have to
talk about how much to offer.


What kind of person lies...

about a percentage of cashmere
in his sweater?

You know, fake cashmere and all...

l do think it's a good idea
for you to work with Jason.

You know, I love Jason.

I just don't want to go back and do TV.

- Come on, TV is a great medium.
- Too much work.

- Too much work? You have to work.
- It's a pain in the ass, I can't do it.

No, you need to work.

I'm married, that's plenty of work.

Okay, but you need to start writing.

Just, you know, I think for your own good,
for your own sanity.

Why, l'm not insane. You think l'm insane?

Listen, Richard Lewis
wants me to manage him.

- Really.
- Yeah.

But I need you to be honest with me.

- Sure.
- No, really honest with me.

- Okay.
- Is he a high-maintenance guy?

- What, are you kidding?
- So, his act is pretty close to...

Yeah, but so what?

I'm gonna sign him, you like that.


I can't believe he didn't even
mention that to me.

Hey, Tom!

- How are you, man?
- Jeff, hi, good to see you.

Good to see you, too.

Tom Clark, Larry David.

Larry David, nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.
- Tom, sit down, man.

- Tom sold me my Toyota Sequoia.
- Toyota of Hollywood?

- Toyota of Hollywood, yeah.
- You're a car dealer?

- Dealer, yeah.
- Really?

- But I like to sell, too.
- Do you?

Somebody special comes in, a bigwig...

- He's a bigwig?
- Yeah, he manages.

That's good, l'm managed by a bigwig.

- What do you drive?
- I drive a Prius.

You're happy with the Prius?

Very happy, and the Prius
is extremely happy with me.

Let me ask you a question.

How does somebody
become a car salesman?

Do you have to have a lot of experience
for that?

It was in my blood, yeah.
I mean, it takes years to be a car salesman.

You know, I always felt
l could be a great salesman.

You gotta have the gift.

'Cause believe me,
l could talk anybody into anything.

Except women into sex,
that's one thing I can't do.

Besides that, I know how
to manipulate people, l'm very good at it.

- Car salesmen are not bullshit. I mean...
- No, of course, they're not.

We're an honest pack, between ourselves.

To be honest with you,
l like to make money.

But I love to sell cars, I really do.

If I wanted to do that for one day...

- Sell cars.
- Yeah.

Just for a day.

I don't think so.

I want to see if I can do it.
I thought that l'd be great at it.

You can't do it, you're a writer.

- What do you do?
- Do you know who he is?

That's Larry David, he created Seinfeld.


- Forget that, I just want to try it for a day.
- I think that would be great.

Come in and work for me.

Maybe l'll do it for two or three days.
Who knows?

What're you doing?
What are you talking about?

- What do you mean two or three days?
- What do you care?

- What do I care?
- What if l'm good at it? Excuse me.

- What if you're good at it?
- Yeah.

You're not gonna sell a car the first day.

I guarantee you...

l will sell more cars
than anybody in your showroom.

You won't sell a car the first day.
Nobody does it the first day.

- You'll see, okay, fine.
- I'll tell you what. Come by...

get some brochures,
you know where we are.

I'll get the brochures, l'll study up...

and l'll learn everything,
don't worry about it.

- I'll have it down when I get there.
- Come by on Monday?

I really appreciate this,
it's like a fantasy that I have.

- This'll be great. Monday morning.
- You got it. Great.

Thank you.

I'm pretty excited.

My gosh, that's wonderful.
No, that is no problem.

Larry just walked in, I can't wait to tell him.
Okay, bye.

You're not gonna believe this.
We can move into the house on Monday.

- Really?
- Yeah, it's all done.

So fast?

Yeah, it was a cash deal,
there was no escrow.

They've already
moved their stuff out, we're ready.

So, make sure
that you are clear on Monday...

which l'm sure is not
going to be a problem for you.

I actually can't do it on Monday.


- I got a job.
- You did?

That's good, did you call Jason?

I'm selling cars.


I was having lunch today
with a guy who owns a Toyota showroom.

He sold Jeff some cars and...

So, now you're going to be a car salesman?

Yeah, you know, he said I could try it.

- What is wrong with you?
- Why? What?

You've committed to this?

Yeah. It's only for, like, a couple of days.

Or however long I want to do it.
I just want to get it out of my system...

You can't do it on Monday.

I have to do it on Monday.
I have to show up for my first day at work.

What, am I supposed to call in sick?

That's not gonna fly.

Prius? That's ours, that's easy.

"Can I help you?"

What do you think?

"Excuse me, sir, perhaps
the Land Cruiser would interest you.

"And we have, Corolla, Canola...

"and Rave." ls it Rav?

- This is so stupid.
- Why is it stupid?

It's insane.

Some people, they run in marathons,
they want to see if they can do that.

Others, they swim the English Channel.

All I want is work in a showroom for a while.

So, what's the big deal?
Who's more insane?

And then on Monday
when I come home from work...

l'll help with the pictures
or whatever you need me...

to help around the house with,
l'll help when I come home.

But l'll be a little tired, too, probably.

Yeah. Alan, guess what.

Larry David just walked in.

- Who you talking to?
- Alan.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Say hello for me.
- Okay, you take care, l'll talk to you later.

Man, how you doing? It's great to see you.

- How come you didn't say hello?
- There wasn't an opening.

- Boy, you look great.
- Yeah.

Come on, come sit down.
You want water or a coffee or...

- No, l'm good.
- Okay.

- So, L.D.
- Yeah?

What it be?

I like how our representatives
got us together here.

Right, Schneider, yeah.

They set us up.
Did he tell you that I was buying his house?


So, this is good, how's everything going?

Things are, you know, things are good.
I don't know, l've got this set up...

and did some directing and
trying to produce some stuff.

You know, the acting thing is,
frankly, coming a little hard.

I'd love to go back to TV, that seems good.
But I can't shake this George thing.

They all see me as George.

I mean, the thing about it
is that you're not even close to George.

I tell this to people all the time.

"You can't imagine
what a great actor this guy is.

"He is nothing like that character."

- Thank you.
- Nothing.

I know, I go in and I talk to them...

and, you know, I try to present differently.

But they see the idiot...

they see the schmuck, so, I don't know.

What do you mean "schmuck"?
I don't get that.

The yutz, the idiot.

- You know.
- No, frankly, I don't know.

How can you say
he's a schmuck, a yutz and an idiot?

I don't see him that way,
l just see him as funny.

I mean, of course, it was funny.

But he was the fall guy, the jackass role.

You know, this is the guy
that never got the girl...

he finally gets the girl and he kills her...

with the envelope.
Doesn't know what he wants.

That's funny, that's not schmucky.

What is more jerky or putzy
than going to a girl's house...

and stealing a tape
out of her answering machine?

I went to a girl's house...

and took a tape out of
an answering machine.

Larry, he's eating ?clairs
out of a garbage can?

So what, I ate an ?clair out of a garbage can!

And, masturbation contests,
four people agreeing...

l was in a contest and you know I was in it.

So, l'm a schmuck for being
in a masturbation contest?

It's not an incredibly
noble experiment, was it?

I'm sorry that you hate
the character so much.

I don't hate the character,
l'm a little tired of it.

I mean, l'm an actor.
I have a range of characters that I can play.

Why am I relegated to this?

Everywhere I go on the street,
"Hey, Costanza!

"Hey, jackass!"

I just had this idea.

I don't know, l'll throw it out at you, okay?

For a series, an idea for a series, okay?

You played a character...

based on what you're going through now.

In other words, you play an actor...

and the actor is having
a tough time getting work...

because he was on this mega-hit series,
like a Seinfeld kind of series...

and now this actor,
after the series goes off the air...

he can't get work anymore...

because he's so identified
with this character...

that they won't let him do anything else.

And he becomes embittered
and grows to hate the character.

That's pretty funny.

You son of a bitch, that's pretty damn good.

All right, let's do it.
Come on, let's go, you wanna do it?

I'd like to.

I'm actually working.

You working on another thing,
another show or something?

I'm selling cars.

I start on Monday.


- Bye.
- Bye.

See you in the new house.

- Okay.
- Wish me luck.

Good luck.

Anything else you have?

If l'm closing in on something, price,
always come to you.

You really do have to come back
and talk to me.

- Okay.
- Just have fun.

- All right, thank you.
- The cars sell themselves.

I'll see you at lunch.

- Hi, l'm Larry.
- Larry, Archie.

You know what?
My wife's name is Veronica.

- So, this is the Camry I heard about?
- This is the big boy, the top of the line.

This is as good as it gets.

You know, you hear "Lexus."

We don't hear "Camry,"
but that's what you should be hearing.

Tell me, what's in the engine here?

What's in it?

Big stuff, big charging,
crazy pistons, nutty pistons.

- Is it twin cam?
- Yeah, twin cam.

- What other colors...
- This is a fucking work of art.

- What's your name?
- Shirley.

- Shirley, that's my mother's name.
- Tilt-wheel steering, which I really like.

Does this car have that? Is it standard?

You know, you don't have the need
to tilt in this car.

I've never had a tilting need.

My wife calls it Pepe. "Are we taking Pepe?"

'Cause we have two cars.

What kind of gas mileage am I going to get?

- 52.
- 52 in the city.

Depending on the city, of course.
Duluth is a city, it's considered a city...

but it's not as big as Brooklyn or whatever.


That's my brother's name.

- Really?
- Yeah.

What's the wheel base?

My wife is concerned
about a car being solid.

It's a thick base, it's a thick wheel base.

I heard that these SUVs...

that they sometimes
they roll over rather easily.

Roll over, are you kidding?
Look at this thing.

Jesus Christ.


Dana, that's my middle name,
Larry Dana David.

I notice this is a GT...

and the brochure says
there's a model called the GTS.

What is the difference
between the GT and the GTS?

Okay, the GTS
is "guaranteed tremendous safety."

So, without the "S,"
it's just "guaranteed tremendous."

- How you doing?
- Fine.

Hi, can I help you folks?

- Apheon.
- Apheon.

That's my step-brother's name, Apheon.

That might be for me, one second.

No, okay.

I want to find out more about the car.

I want to see the features
so we can negotiate...

Don't be acting like...

you going to put a whole bunch
of stuff back here.

- I like it.
- What you need a big car for?

- I don't need to... I like this car.
- Okay, could you excuse us for one second?

What the hell are you doing over here?
You're fucking up my shit.

Why you pushing hard to get this...

Because she likes the car,
she wants to be happy in it.

Maybe she won't be able to afford the car
if she takes it off the lot.

Is there somebody else
who could help me with this car?

Look, sir, l'm sorry, thank you.

I'm really not interested
in buying today, okay?

What? What are you doing? Shirley?

- Ever seen the Seinfeld show?
- Yeah.

I'm the co-creator of the show.

No, it's true.

Please, buy one, please?

You'll sell a lot of them,
you're a good salesman.



Isn't this weird,
coming home to your new house?

Yeah, hi.

- So, how did it go today?
- Pretty good.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Did you sell a lot of cars?

You know, that's not
how the business works.

You know, you don't just sell them.

People, they think about it
and they're, you know...

- you get back in touch with them and...
- Are you over it now?

- What does that mean?
- The whole car-selling thing.

No, l'm not going to quit
just after one day, you know...

l want to do it right. I want to...

l want to show them I can do it.

- Okay.
- But, l'll tell you, it's exhausting.

Tell me, I have been unpacking all day.

House seems different
than it did the other day.

Yeah, it's definitely different.

It feels strange, that's all.

Maybe after we hang everything up...

and finish unpacking.

Maybe, I don't know.

What's that noise?

Do you hear a noise?


What is it?

It's probably just
a house sound or something.

A house sound?

- Yeah.
- What's a house sound?

- You know, noises that a house makes?
- Houses make noises?

- Plumbing, or it's settling.
- What? Settling?

I can't sleep with that.

You'll get used to it, just ignore it.

Our last house didn't make any sounds.

Yes, it did, you'll get used to this.

I don't know,
this is coming from somewhere.

I'm going to be up all night with this thing.
Gotta be fresh in the morning.

Told you I didn't trust that Schneider.

He didn't say anything
about a house sound.

It's like you're driving a bus up there.

- Yeah, looking over the traffic.
- Didn't you envy bus drivers?

With the big, round steering wheel
like that, you know.

Makes you, gives you a little ego boost.

- Oversee the traffic.
- Yeah, that's right.

You've got a great view.

- You know what? I think l'm ready to buy.
- No kidding.

- Yeah.
- Great.

You get the wood grain,
we might do this today.

We could get some wood grain.
What's so hard about getting wood grain?

- Wood.
- Wood grain is not going to stop us from...

- That's what I like to hear.
- This is a joke, right?

Could you please excuse us for a minute?
I'm talking to somebody.

- This is a practical joke, right?
- A practical joke? I'm sorry.

Would please excuse us for a second?

I'm talking to somebody.
I'll meet you outside.

- Excuse who?
- Excuse me, just wait outside, okay?

Go outside, go outside, okay?

I'm with a customer,
you see l'm with somebody?

You're with a customer, selling cars...

- Sir!
- I'll come back another time.

- Forget him.
- You just cost me a customer.

What did you just say?

- You cost me a customer.
- I cost you...

- I had him!
- How can you have a customer?

I was about to take him
to the manager's office.

What are you, fucking Willy Loman?
What are you doing here?

- I'm doing business here!
- I came from Jeff's office.

He tells me you're here selling cars,
which I say has gotta be a joke.

But l'm here because
you told him l'm high maintenance?

He's my manager. What if he goes
to a studio, to the Palm or Spago...

tells people,
"l love Richard but he's high maintenance"?

And what if he does?

I spent seven years
getting my life together...

and now they can think l'm a fucking,
you know, sex maniac or drinking again.

No, you won't get
the remake of From Here To Eternity.

I thought I had dark secrets?
What the hell is this about?

- It's not a dark secret.
- Larry David selling cars is not a secret?

Is that a cashmere sweater?
This guy had the same one.

- Of course it's a cashmere sweater.
- Is that 100% cashmere?

- What are you doing here?
- Is that 100% cashmere?

- What, you don't believe me?
- Would you mind if I check the label?

My word's not good enough for you?

- Let me just take a look.
- No.

- I don't like people touching me.
- I won't touch you.

Stop it. I want you to call Jeff...

You call Jeff and tell him
l'm not high maintenance.

What the hell is going on here?

That's it, Larry, you're fired.

- Happy?
- Christ.

- I had that sale.
- I'm happy for you, Larry.

- I had that guy.
- You're fired.

I locked him up and I wish
you could have heard it. It was beautiful.


- Hi.
- Hello!

- What are you doing home so early?
- I got fired.

- You did?
- I got the boot!

- Why'd you get fired?
- I got 86ed.

He's checking for the house sound.

- Yeah, hi, l'm Jim.
- Hi, l'm Larry.

I've checked all over the house...

and I can't find the house sound
that you were talking about.

- Tell him what it sounds like again, Larry.
- It's like a camera whirring.

- You sure it's not the ocean?
- It's not the ocean, I know the ocean.

Sorry, I just haven't found anything.

You don't really hear it very well
until after 10:00 at night.

When we're in bed, that's when I hear it.

I don't hear it during the day.
Can you come back tonight?

Wait, what?

Yeah, I could,
l just have to call and get a sitter.

- Great.
- Yeah, if it's trouble...

He just says he has to call and get a sitter.

- That's no problem, I can just do that.
- It makes perfect sense to me.

Why don't we discuss this
and we will let you know, okay?


I think l'm going to call
Jason Alexander tomorrow.

You are? That is good news.

- You like that?
- Yeah.

- We'll go over the show, and...
- That's so good.

Maybe pitch it to
some networks or something.

Why not? Look at you, back in the saddle.

- Maybe l'll call him right now.
- You can't call him now, it's 10:45.

It's 45 minutes past the cutoff.

So what? You get like an hour
dispensation for good news.

- Who told you that?
- Who told me that? It's common knowledge.

- What are you saying?
- That's common knowledge?

Everybody knows that.

What happens with deaths and babies?
You go all night.

- This isn't a baby.
- It's still good news.



- It's news that can wait till the morning.
- Shut up, he's trying to work in there.