Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–…): Season 11, Episode 1 - Episode #11.1 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM

Hello?

So it looks like what happened is this
individual broke into your home,

burglarized it,
and in an apparent attempt to escape,

tripped, hit his head and fell
into the pool and drowned.

You know, I was sleeping.
I heard a noise. I woke up.

All right. And when you came outside,
did you see or hear anyone?

No. No, nothing.

Okay. And sir, your name is?

Willie Nobody.

And you also live
on the property?



Fuck yeah, I live here.
That's my little bungalow right there.

And I see you don't have your fence
up around the perimeter of the pool.

- Is there a reason for that?
- The what? Fence?

Santa Monica City Ordinance
8.12.150 says you must have

a fence around the perimeter of your
pool of at least five feet at all times.

Fence? Honestly, nobody told me
anything about a fence.

I bought the house from somebody.
This is the way it came

and nobody said anything
about a fence.

You are supposed to have one.

Am I in trouble?
What does this mean?

You seem like a decent guy,
so I'm gonna give you a pass.

But get the fence put in.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Can you believe it?
Seeing that in your pool...



I wouldn't have even dreamed
of something like that.

- You know, why me?
- Why you?

What's in my house?

Hi. Welcome to Netflix.

Larry David, Jeff Greene
to see Don Winston Jr.

Great, just give me one sec.

- Don Jr.
- Don Jr.

- Yeah, Don Jr.
- How do you have a name like that?

It must be horrible.

Trump has really ruined it
for all Don Juniors, hasn't he?

- I would not want that as my name.
- Oh my God.

All right, Larry, Jeff.

- Thank you.
- Elevators are to your right.

You going to Albert Brooks' funeral?

I have no choice. Who throws a funeral
for themselves while they're alive?

He does. And I have to speak.
He's asked me to speak.

- No.
- Yeah.

Geez.

- All right. You ready for my pitch?
- Yeah.

The show is called Young Larry.

It's about my life
when I was like 24, 25.

I lived in Brooklyn with my parents

and my uncle, Moe, lived upstairs
with my grandmother.

Moe is in his 70s. He pushed racks
in the garment center,

would take the subway every day.

He never spent a nickel in his life,

so he had
over a million dollars saved up.

So one day, uncle Moe comes up
to me and he says,

"I'm moving into the city.
And I want you to live with me."

"And if you live with me,
I'll leave all my money to you."

So in the show, I move in
with uncle Moe.

And I do everything that I can

to accelerate his demise.

How does he try to kill him?

Subtly. You know, like giving him
terrible food to eat,

Rueben sandwiches.

Making him climb up
six flights of stairs,

telling him the elevator's broken.
You know, things like that.

So young Larry, what's going on
in his life right now?

- What's he doing?
- Very good question.

He's a private chauffeur.
He drives for an old woman.

I was a private chauffeur.

I drove this old lady around. She
was blind. I never cleaned the car.

She had no idea.

And so, he has this huge Cadillac
limousine at his disposal

that he uses all the time.

And I was trying to be
a stand-up comic.

So I was just starting out
doing my act.

That's really interesting.

We'll see him do stand-up

when he's not chauffeuring or whatever
and trying to kill his uncle.

I love this.
I think this is great.

I think we wanna do this show
and we're in.

I love that. Absolutely.
Look at that.

Oh my God. Purell, how about that?

- I'm good for now.
- I'm not a Purell hoarder.

Remember, the pandemic,
the hoarders?

- Nasty people.
- Terrible.

They're like horse thieves
in the old west, aren't they?

Okay. You'll find
that I'm a pleasure to work with.

Don't give me any notes. That's all.

I'm not joking.

I'm not joking. That's not a joke.

Thanks for lunch.

Hell yeah. Every time we sell
a show that quickly,

I'm buying.

So you still going
to Leon's girlfriend's?

- Mary Ferguson.
- Mary Ferguson's dinner party?

Yeah. Leon said she has a nice place.
I wish he'd move in.

Bringing anyone?

Yeah, I'm taking Lucy Liu.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- How many dates is this?
- This will be our third date.

- Isn't that Dennis Zweibel?
- That is Dennis Zweibel, yeah.

You know
he still owes me 6 000 dollars.

Remember I fronted the money
for that golf trip?

Yeah, I paid you.

You did and everybody else did,
except him.

You know, I heard he's got
early onset dementia.

Yeah.

I better get the money now
before he forgets.

- Hey, Dennis.
- Hey, Larry.

- Nice shirt. How's it going?
- Great. How are you?

Pretty good. Slightly awkward, but...

Remember the golf trip
six months ago?

I put up money for everybody
and just a little reminder that...

You probably forgot all about it,
but you never paid me the money back.

I didn't forget.

Well, if you didn't forget,
how come you didn't pay me?

What are you doing?
Were you, like stalking me?

Stalking you? Nothing wrong
with a little reminder, is there?

It's just rude, that's all.
It's unnecessary.

I'll tell you what's rude.
You know what's rude?

Owing somebody 6 000 dollars
for six months

and never mentioning anything about it
and not paying them back.

- That's rude.
- What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with me? I think the
question's what's wrong with you?

You owe somebody 6 000 dollars,

you didn't forget,
and you didn't pay them.

"There's a guy that owes me money."

If the shoe's on the other foot...
Everybody else paid but not you.

- And you decided not to pay.
- I know I owe you money.

When I see you at the club,
I'll write you a check.

And then you'll have your money.
It'll be wonderful.

I see. I'm the bad guy here.

You're sick. You need help.

- I'm sick?
- You need help.

You'll get your money.
You're gonna get your money.

I'm not the bad guy.

How am I the bad guy?

- How's it back there, comfortable?
- It's so nice.

You sure you don't want me
to move up?

I'm great. I am so excited.

I can't believe I'm in a car
with Albert Brooks, Lucy Liu

and Jerry David.
I can't believe we're all going...

You're so funny.

I got my Jews confused a little bit.

I got my Jews confused.
She's funny, Albert.

She's funny.
Anti-Semitic, but funny.

I'm a huge fan of Albert's.

I haven't had sex in a year,
so I'm really excited.

Pull over. I'm done.

So Albert, Larry told me that you're
having a funeral for yourself?

Yeah. And I called it a live funeral.

What is that about?

So in the last three years,
I've been to five real funerals.

The idea that people get together
and friends get together

and say wonderful things
should be done

to a person who can hear it.

I love that idea.

It's just a different way
of thinking about it.

I can't stand that all this praise
is going to somebody in a box.

You can't stand that the praise
is going to somebody else.

I will bet money this catches on.

Okay, you're on.

Wait a second.
So he was dead in the pool?

Completely dead.

How does a guy get in the pool?
Don't you have a fence?

That's city code.

That's right. It's actually a law.

In Santa Monica,
you have to have a fence.

Can we talk about something else?

Everybody, announcement to make.

Mary and I are going
on a trip to Asia.

Really?

In a few months.

We already got our seats picked out
already on the plane.

- Reservations already made.
- And where, China?

All over that motherfucker.
Everywhere.

By the way, expensive trip, no?

Fuck yeah, it was.
Had to do a little GoFundMe.

What did you tell them?
You must have had a sad story.

I said, I'm taking my baby,
my baby to Asia.

That was it?
And people gave you money?

- Fuck yeah.
- It's brilliant. I'm gonna try it.

Come on.

Really, my baby has never seen
a Ferrari, please,

if you wanna send us to Italy
to pick it up from the factory...

- I'm gonna go check on dinner.
- I'll come and help you.

Susie, I've been looking
at your bracelet since I got here.

- Is this stunning?
- It's incredible.

I got this at Dennis Zweibel's
jewelry store.

It looks like an antique.

- Dennis Zweibel?
- Yeah.

The guy owes me 6 000 dollars
for six months.

I asked for the money,
he got like completely offended.

You don't need to ask him for money.

How long do I have to wait,
six months, a year, ten years?

When are you allowed to ask
a person for their money back?

- I don't know. Nine months.
- I'm not the bad guy here.

I didn't do anything wrong.
I loaned him the money.

Maybe you're not the bad guy. But
you need to learn some compassion.

Oh my God!

- Geez.
- What did you do?

What did I do?
You plopped down on the couch.

- I didn't plop.
- You plopped.

You are so fucking skinny, your arms
can't even hold a fucking glass.

Get out of here, skinny.

You plopped. You don't even know
how to sit on a couch.

- I didn't plop.
- Did she plop?

- Like I'm gonna say.
- Did she plop?

I'm not taking sides on this.

- Oh my God, what happened?
- The couch is ruined.

- What in the world?
- He was unsteady in his hand...

She plopped down on the couch
and it spilled.

It's gonna stain.

- We'll pay for it.
- Excuse me.

No we. You'll pay for it.
I didn't do a fucking thing.

You're completely
responsible for that stain.

I got a great idea. Why don't you
two start a GoFundMe page?

Fuck you, Albert.

Fuck me?
All right, I'm going with plopped.

Okay, look, everybody, there's
dinner outside on the patio.

Let's have a good time, okay?

Sorry.

- She plopped.
- That looks very nice, Mary.

Totally plopped. From beginning
to end, are you kidding me?

What the fuck, Larry?

Oh my God.

- Holy shit!
- Is he all right?

You okay?

That's glass, Larry.

Holy shit, Larry.

- Can you stand up on your own?
- Yeah.

So this is glass. And there's
an opening right here.

Just follow... Hold my hand.
There's a step down.

That's two feeble things
in a fucking row.

The fucking wine and now he walked
into a fuckin' glass.

He's got one more left.

I'ma drop his ass off
at a nursing home.

All right. So...

Yeah, I had a really nice night.

You know what,
text me when you get home.

So I know you got home safe.

Text you when I get home?

Get some rest
and then we'll talk later, okay?

Wait a second.
I thought I would...

You know what...

You've had a big night.

I just feel like it was a lot for you.

No. It wasn't a lot.

- You fell. You hit your...
- So what?

- You hit your face.
- I got a hard head. Not a big deal.

Just go home, take a bath, relax,
put your feet up.

Do you have a hot blanket
you can turn on?

Put that on and get cozy.

Can I knit as well?

- All right, I'm gonna go.
- Good night.

Okay.

- What's going on in there?
- The fuck you think is going on?

That's where you're going?

This is the bathroom I use
to drop the kids off at the pool.

Why don't you use your own pool?

I can't drop the kids off at the pool
in that little ass bathroom.

Now if you don't want me to use
this fuckin' bathroom all the time,

I'll move around. You got plenty
of pools in this big ass house.

You can use any of the pools
on that side of the house, okay?

Any of the pools down here.

There's one pool though that's
completely off limits, okay?

And that pool is up there, okay?

The resort pool
is not available to me?

It is not available to you ever.

- How about when you're not there?
- No, never. Never.

- Never?
- Never.

I feel you.
Keep your pool to your fuckin' self.

That's Albert.

- Albert.
- Hey!

AB!

- Hey, Leon.
- Hey, hey, what's up, AB?

Thanks for inviting us, that was fun.

- I took care of yo ass, didn't I?
- Great time.

Listen, I just stopped by to pick up
a photo of you, me, and Marty Short

taken at Lincoln Center that I want
for the memorial. Can I borrow it?

- Sure.
- That's all.

- Yeah. It's in there.
- Thank you.

This memorial...

Yeah, that's it. And I love this.

What's the dress code for the event?

Like any funeral, the dress code
is a dark suit.

Can I bring Mary?

Yeah. Is she a fan?
Has she seen any of my movies?

I'll be honest, AB, I haven't even
seen any of your fuckin' movies.

Okay, there's two on Netflix if you
wanna watch 'em before you come.

By the way, what about you?
Are you all right?

- How's your head?
- Yeah, I'm good.

- Did you get an MRI?
- Why do you say that?

You know what a brain bleed is?

- I don't care.
- You don't care? Drop dead.

Then we can have a real funeral.
A real one, okay?

And people will say all these
wonderful things about me.

Yes, let's keep our fingers crossed.

Maybe I'll die and it'll be a real one
and then you'll see the difference.

You through?

Yeah, I guess.

How's Lucy Liu?

Not good. Something's off.
Something is very off.

I'm telling you, she doesn't look at me
as a sexual being anymore.

Yes, because you walked into a door.

Big deal. She could've walked
into a glass door.

Well, she didn't and you did,

and that's what the Three Stooges
did, and they didn't get laid either.

You're right, man.
That little fat motherfucker,

who rolled on the floor,
like in circles going,

that motherfucker never got no ass.
I guarantee you.

Once they see you that way,
like a cripple,

there's no sex anymore.

You know, it throws them off.

You don't know what to do.
Do you take care of 'em?

I thought they like taking care of you.
Women love taking care of men.

- That's not her.
- I disagree.

There's a Munchausen
thing that they have

where they want you sick in bed and
you can't do anything with anybody.

They don't want you to have fun
with anybody else.

And now you're trapped in the bed
and they love that.

- That's your concept of women?
- Yes.

Well, the normal woman
doesn't wanna take care of you.

She wants to feel you can...
You know.

Lady wants you to tap that ass,
you know what I mean?

I'll tap. I can tap.
Give me a chance to tap.

You tapped the door.
You're never gonna tap her.

Okay, get out!

Please come.
Don't worry about the movies.

Although if you wanna see
"Concussion",

that one is on Amazon Prime.

- Okay, coolio.
- Yeah, "Concussion".

You got a delivery or something.

Hey, wear a tie.

Okay.

What is this?

Shit.

Santa Monica Municipal Code,
fencing regulations.

"Every swimming pool shall completely
surround such body of water"

"or property with a fence,"

"five feet above the adjacent grade
at all places. Let's talk."

- Holy shit.
- I know what the fuck that is.

Someone's tryna come up.
Someone's tryna get paid.

It's extortion.

Larry David.

At your service.

I'm Marcos. This is my taqueria.
Want a taco?

Anyways, let's get down to business.

Yes. Let's.

You seem like a nice guy.

I'm a living doll,
as my mother would say.

My brother was a nice guy too.
But now he's dead.

Yeah, sorry.

It's not your fault that
he drowned in your pool.

I mean, I know that.
You know that.

But do the courts know that?

And I start thinking about all the fees

and litigation and attorneys
and possible jail time.

That's a lot to handle.

But you know, you lucked out.
You scored a friend.

- Lucky me.
- Yeah.

But looking down that tunnel,

it's like nothing but money emptying
out of your pockets.

Unless...

Unless what?

My daughter.
She wants to be an actress.

- Does she?
- She's great. Maria Sofia.

There she is. Hi, baby.
She'd be perfect for your new show.

What? Her?

Larry David,
pilot in dev at Netflix.

Look, there's nothing for her
in the show. There's no part for her.

Casting the role of Marsha Lifshitz.

That's for a Jewish girl from Brooklyn,
who's an aspiring ballerina.

Maria. Maria Sofia, come here.

You gotta meet her. Hi, baby.
This is Larry David.

Hi, Larry David.

Tell him about
your high school plays.

Dad... I played Juliet in high school.

It was amazing.
You should've seen it.

- I'm sorry I missed it.
- I mean, she also dances.

- Show him how you dance, baby.
- You don't need to.

One, two, three.

Rewind.

That's very good.
Bravo. Yes, excellent.

- Good job, very good.
- That's not the whole thing.

- I'm sure, yeah.
- Go ahead. I'm gonna talk to Larry.

- Talented girl, for sure.
- Thank you.

The thing is, even if she's
the best actress in the world,

which she very well could be,
but just not right for this part.

But I know Marsha Lifshitz
is that girl right there

eating those left over tacos.

Look, we'll find her something else.

I'll send her picture and resume
to a bunch of agents I know.

- We can get her started.
- That'd be so great.

I just don't know if you'll have
all the time in the world

with the lawsuits
and possible jail time coming.

What do we do?

Well, okay, she can audition.

- I'll give her an audition.
- I got you.

We'll take that audition
and then see you on set.

Suppose I cast her and then, you know,
the show gets canceled.

Shows get canceled all the time.

As long as you cast her,
we're good.

It's extortion, Jeff! Total extortion.

What are you gonna do?
This is crazy.

He could sue me for everything
and he can bring criminal charges.

So is his daughter gonna audition?

Audition. We'll go through
a charade of an audition...

But it's not an audition really.
She's got the part.

This is a nightmare.

- Hey, Dennis.
- Hi, Larry.

- You're going out?
- Yeah. You?

I just quit.

Not for good, I hope.

Maybe. So sick of it, you know?

So the last time I saw you,

you said the next time you see me
at the club, which is now,

to remind you about the 6 000 dollars
you owe me

and that you would have a check
and pay me.

That's close, Larry.

You saw me and you reminded me
of the 6 000 dollars

and I pulled out my checkbook

and I wrote you a check
for 6 000 dollars.

What?

- Yeah. I paid you at the Farmshop.
- No, you didn't.

- Of course I did.
- You didn't pay me at Farmshop.

I paid you. I wrote a check
to you for 6 000 dollars.

You didn't. I would remember that,
if you paid me.

I remember what you wore.

You wore a green sweater, tan pants,
a blue and white checkered shirt.

You had an almond decaf latte
and a bran muffin.

Now if I know all that, don't you think
I would know if you paid me?

- Why would I lie about that?
- I'll tell you what else.

- I complimented you on that shirt.
- You didn't compliment me.

- I mostly certainly did.
- You've never complimented me.

There was never anything
to compliment you about.

Ask around and see if anyone else
remembers being complimented by you.

I compliment people's outfits
all the time.

- You're a bad guy, Larry.
- I'm not the bad guy.

You're the bad guy!
I pay my debts.

Larry, leave the guy alone.

- What are you doing, man?
- What?

What are you, hassling him money?
He's got dementia.

So what? Dementia's not a license
to steal, is it?

Well, how do we know
you didn't forget?

What are you talking about?

We heard that you ran into
a sliding glass door recently.

Yeah, I walked into the door.
I didn't see the door.

How could I? It looks like air.
Everybody's done it.

Let me ask you a question.

Have I ever complimented
you two guys on anything?

No.

I didn't tell you I like
your new pink driver?

No, you didn't.

Must have been somebody else.

Maybe this Maria Sofia will be okay.

Maybe she won't be as bad
as we think. Who knows?

- I know.
- But it's acting.

It's not so hard.
I think anybody can do it.

What's the big deal?
What do you do?

You say the words, you make a face.

There's nothing to it.

We're fucked.
It's a big bowl of fucked.

- Where's Lucy?
- She's gonna meet us there.

- What's the matter with you?
- What are you talking about?

Are you harassing
poor Dennis Zweibel?

You think I don't hear
about these things?

- Please.
- He's impaired.

I waited six months to ask him
for that money. Six months.

I should've asked after a month.
But I was being really nice.

This keeps catching on the chiffon.

It's ruining my whole outfit. You know,
you're petty. You're just petty.

- You think I'm petty?
- Yeah.

Can I tell you a real example
of petty?

You plopped down on that couch,
spilled the wine on it.

I got charged for the cleaning
and you didn't even offer to chip in.

Because I didn't plop.

No, you plopped! You're a plopper!
You've always been a plopper.

- Jeff, did I plop?
- Don't ask me.

Yeah, you plopped.
You went like this.

Oh my God. I didn't ask
for a reenactment.

Stone missing.

How we gonna find it? It's tiny.

- You see it, huh?
- I'm looking.

Jesus Christ, Larry, they ricochet
all over the fuckin' place.

- Move your foot!
- You see it?

You know what, Larry,
forget it. Just get out.

I don't wanna drive you
to the funeral.

Just drive yourself. I don't wanna look
at your face in the rearview mirror.

- Just get the fuck out.
- What?

- Out!
- Fine, I'll drive myself.

Who the fuck wants to go
with you anyway?

And let me tell you something, okay?

I am not a bad guy. Not a bad guy.

A good guy. A very good guy.

Hey.

How you doing?

Why so sad?

Why so sad? It's...
I mean, too soon.

He's upstairs. What's this thing?

Shiva. The Shavuot, the rending
of the clothes.

Boy, you're really going Jew-y here,
aren't you?

That reminds me.
I wrote a few things down.

Is bashert a word that I could use?

What's the context?

I'm feeling bashert at the loss
of our friend, Albert.

No. Bashert means fate.

Like you wanna say I'm feeling
a lot of tsuris.

- Tsuris? How do you spell that?
- T-S-U-R-I-S.

- Tsuris.
- Yeah.

Hey, what ever happened to the movie
where you were playing me?

The character was based on me?

Yeah, it went away.

They tested it and the audiences didn't
really respond to the main character.

They fill out cards with the feedback.

The word that kept reappearing
was repugnant.

There wasn't much they could do
to fix it.

- I mean, I thought it was...
- It's possible the performance thing...

They were very specific.
They loved the performance.

They hated the character.

Was it a hatchet job on me?
What was it?

I think it was pretty true to life.
Hey, you know what?

It's bashert. See, I pick it up.

Tsuris. I'm gonna do tsuris.

Speaking of, when am I going up?

- You're after me.
- All right.

- There's Larry.
- He looks nice.

He wore a tie. It's a good crowd.
Everybody came.

I never thought I would live
to see this day.

- Larry.
- Hey!

I got you a glass of water.

- Water?
- Yeah.

Just to make sure you're not impaired
when you're up on the podium.

Okay. Something's going on here
with you.

Since I walked into the glass door,
you're treating me

like an invalid.

Things changed
when that happened.

- Did they?
- Yeah.

I don't see you
in a sexual way anymore.

Hey, I'm as virile
as I was three days ago.

And I was plenty virile then.
And I'm plenty virile now.

And I could prove it to you.
Let's go upstairs. Come on.

I'll prove it to ya.
You wanna test it?

Test me. Come on. I dare ya.

- Take care.
- Test me.

Watch out for glass.

Hey, one day, you're gonna run
into glass. It's unavoidable.

I think we should go.

"Larry, let's go. Thanks for the tie."

Okay. Hey, everybody,
let's get started.

Welcome, everyone.
Thank you for coming.

It saddens me personally
to be here today,

mainly because my dear friend,
Albert Brooks, is very much alive.

Don't do that.

It would've given Albert tremendous
satisfaction to see

all these people gathered here
to pay their last respects to a man

they will see again
in less than an hour.

I'm very sorry that Albert
is faux-dead.

Get the next person, please.

'Cause I was going to leave him
some faux money.

And know this, nobody loved Christ
more than Albert.

Big Jesus guy. Big.

Have you accepted
Christ into your heart?

Are you crazy?

Albert is the one who inspired me
to become a stand-up comedian.

And that, more than anything,
makes me wish he was really dead.

I hate him.

And now, I'd like to bring up
another friend of Albert's,

who was also coerced into
doing this, Mister Jon Hamm.

I'm so excited. I can't believe
you know Jon Hamm.

So much tsuris.

They say laughter
is the best medicine.

And if that is the case, then
Albert overmedicated us all.

- That's sweet.
- He's funny.

I'm sure many of you will stand up
here and praise the genius

of this inward gazing comedy savant,
and you'd be right to.

He was my absolute hands down
favorite comedian of all time.

And now he's been taken from us
far too soon.

Albert was one of the great
American filmmakers of his,

or of any, generation.

- Where you going?
- Bathroom.

I'm after you.
Don't let anybody else go in.

That was the movie I always wanted
to make about jealously.

That is how much his art
resonated with all of us.

Before I got a chance to know him
as a friend, I was just a fan.

I wish I had one more chance just
to tell him

how much Lost in America
resonated with me.

Oh my God!

He's a COVID hoarder.

Albert Brooks is a COVID hoarder.

He's a fuckin' COVID hoarder.
Albert's a COVID hoarder.

- Are you kidding me?
- Look at this, Jon Hamm.

What are you doing in the closet?

- What's going on here?
- Look at all that toilet paper.

And Purell.

First responders could've used
all of that stuff.

Why are people in that closet?

Are you really a COVID hoarder?

- This is unacceptable.
- What's going on here?

The fuck is wrong with you?

You're sittin' over there with a closet
full of fuckin' toilet paper?

- Unbelievable!
- Have you no shame, Albert?

- A shanda!
- I just moved in here.

This used to be a CVS.

You know what, I hope you really die.

Jon! This was beautiful. Come back.

- Come on, Jeff, we're out of here.
- This is a mistake.

- You disgust me.
- Shame on you, Albert Brooks!

Come back! I've got flu shots.

Maybe we'll try again next year.

Yeah.

- Fuckin' Albert.
- I know, right?

Let's get out of here.

- Wait, babe, I left my coat outside.
- Okay.

What the fuck!
Shit!

I'm done with her.

Once you do that shit,
you can't go back.

You can't unsee that shit. You can't
think of the person any other way.

I'm sure Lucy Liu felt
the same way.

Even in the fucking animal world, when
pigeons fly into a motherfucking glass,

motherfucking office buildings
and shit,

they ostracized from
the other pigeons and shit.

You see a whole school of these
motherfuckers,

whether it's pigeons or geese,
they fucking flying

and it's one motherfucker back there.

'Cause that goofy motherfucker ran
into a goddamn building last week

and they don't fuck with him no more.

That's why Mary Ferguson
had to go.

But what are you gonna do?
You paid for the plane ticket.

It's got Mary Ferguson's name on it.
It's nonrefundable.

What are you gonna do?
Eat it?

No, I'ma find me
another Mary Ferguson.

What are you talking about?

I'm gonna put an ad out.
I'm gonna get 'em all here.

I'm gonna audition a bunch
of Mary Fergusons.

Find the one I like,
take that ass to Asia.

What random Mary Ferguson's
gonna go to Asia

with some stranger
who's probably a sociopath?

You're forgettin' one key thing here.
Free.

Who wouldn't wanna go to Asia
for free?

They'll take that chance waking up
dead for a free trip to Asia.

- I promise you.
- I think you might have something.

Okay. I'm gonna take me
a little dip in the pool.

There was a dead body in there just
couple days ago, just so you know.

Ain't in there now.

Yeah, Susie, boy, you popped
this right out of there.

How'd you do that?

- Larry... You know Larry.
- Yeah, I'm not a fan.

Yeah, well, he plopped
and then it went flying in the air.

And then it came out
and I couldn't find the stone.

But then I remembered you gave me
a lifetime guarantee, so here I am.

- A what? A lifetime...
- A lifetime guarantee, Dennis.

You don't remember?

I mean, Susie,
I don't have to remember.

We've never given lifetime guarantees.

Well, you gave me one.

- No, Susie, I never said that.
- Yes, you did, Dennis.

- Why would I say that?
- I don't know why.

Maybe because I buy
so much fuckin' jewelry here.

And we appreciate that.
But Susie, I'm sorry.

I just have no memory of that.

Let me tell you something, dementia
boy, you gave me a lifetime guarantee

and I don't care if you don't remember
your dog's fucking name.

You're gonna fix this and it's not
gonna cost me a goddamn thing,

you hear me, Zweibel?
You got it?

- Got it.
- I'll be back Friday.

Mary Ferguson.

My bad. How about you?
You come on inside?

- Hi, guys.
- Hello.

- This is Larry David.
- Nice to meet you.

I've always loved traveling and I've
been dying to go to Asia for years.

Would you have a problem faking
a disability

just so we can get in the wheelchairs

so they could push our ass
through the airport?

I don't think I would like that.

I want you to eat this matzo ball,
come on. Come on. Push it.

That was great.
That was fantastic.

Thank you, guys.
You guys have a great day. Bye.

She's fucking hilarious.

- Yeah, well, let's see who else.
- Okay.

Next!

Bye.

Thank you.

Mary Ferguson five, thank you.

Okay. Next.

No.

- Fantastic. Thanks a lot.
- She's amazing.

She was fantastic.

I don't think so.

Nah.

Next.

- I want you to eat this matzo ball.
- I'm not gonna eat it.

It's hot! Larry,
your hands are all over it.

That was great. Thank you.

- No.
- Okay.

- You ever date a Laker?
- No.

How about a Clipper?

I've never dated a Clipper.

Fucking dig it.

Suppose we crashed
on a deserted island

and I make it and you don't make it,
is it cool...

You can eat me.

- I think we should do this.
- Wait, so am I going?

Let's do this. What's up?

Shit!

Hi, this is Maria Sofia Estrada.
Larry David.

Hi.

What's up? Hello.

- Did you...
- Headshot.

- Of course. No problem.
- You have a resume?

No resume.

And your mark's back there,
so if you wanna...

- There?
- Right there. Yeah. Great.

To me, eye line to me.
Whenever you're ready.

Larry, my mother wants to know if you
wanna come to our Seder Friday night.

It's Seder. Nah, I don't think so.

And I want you to meet my boo-bay.

- Your what?
- My grandmother.

I can't be around old people.
They creep me out.

- Stop.
- Fine. But only on one condition,.

You have to finish your lunch.

I'm full.

Look, Marsha, seriously, you're too
thin. You're like a rail. Come on.

This is a good weight for me.

Okay, but at least finish
the matzo ball, right?

No.

Well, what is it?
Do you have an eating disorder.

No!

Marsha, I swear to God,
I want you to eat the matzo ball.

- Come on!
- Stop!

- Thank you.
- Thanks, Maria.

Thank you.

- That's it?
- Yeah, that's it.

- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.

- We got her!
- Her?

- That's our gal.
- Larry...

All right, let's go home.

- We still have three more girls.
- I don't think so.

Some double date.

Quite a romantic evening
this turned out, huh?

Hey. You got any Purell?

Yeah.

- I ran out of the smaller ones.
- That's a big boy.

Here, keep it. I got another one.

Thanks.